Death by Fucking © 2003 by Andrew Wiggin
Chapter 20 Dinner and a Movie
The Year Seven
Helen’s Story
At the Tennis Court
I sat with Donna and Deirdre Adkins, watching as the
Progenitor played tennis with the prosecutor. I’m from New
York, so I expected that these people would be less than
cultured, living as they do in rural Georgia of all places.
I guess I was expecting a hick town and a hick family. I
was mistaken.
The environment here is lovely. The house is a stately
old mansion. The grounds are well-kept and open. The
family is calm and intelligent. The Progenitor is playful
and gorgeous. I suppose I expected none of this.
I had planned a bitchy little story designed to poke
holes in this person, ridicule his pomposity. But he has no
pomposity. I expected shy, foolish women. Instead I found
confident scholars. And they are as sexy as he is. Even
the friend, this Jake guy, has caught my eye. These people
live a good life.
Just being around these beautiful people had gotten my
juices flowing. Then one of the wives had given me the
Playboy article to read. It was an explicit description of
how Andrew Adkins had serviced two Playmates of the month
during one session in this very house!
Reading this story while stealing glances at the
Progenitor as he gracefully played tennis was one of my more
surreal experiences. Nothing seems to bother these people.
After I had returned the magazine to one of the wives,
she asked, “What are your plans for this evening? Are you
flying back to New York?”
I said, “No, if you are agreeable, I’d like to return
tomorrow and continue our interview. I’ve got so many
questions I haven’t even begun to ask. I’m embarrassed to
admit that you two ladies didn’t meet my preconceptions.
The tone and tenor of my story has to change.”
She smiled her understanding. “Why don’t you stay with
us tonight? Jake usually stays for dinner when the boys
play tennis. You would be more than welcome to join in.
And you could stay in our downstairs guest room. We call it
the “Get Andrew Laid” room. It’s the room described in that
Playboy story. It’s not exactly like staying in the Lincoln
Room at the White House, but at least it has been, uh,
immortalized in print, if you know what I mean.”
I could tell that this woman found the whole Playboy
phenomenon highly amusing. She drops thinly veiled hints
about her husband’s sexual prowess then laughs at how a
boring family man such as Andrew Adkins could achieve the
lofty status of international sex god.
I thought about the vanilla motel room I had planned to
stay in; the standard fare meal from the yuppie food chain I
had noticed on the way out. Instead I was being offered an
opportunity to have a meal with the most extraordinary
family in America (maybe), and to stay in a room guaranteed
to make me want to play with myself (or anyone else that
might offer). This was a no-brainer.
I happily accepted the gracious offer. “Are you sure?”
I don’t want to impose.”
She laughed her melodious laugh, a small hand coming up
to cover her mouth. “Sweetie, we have three adults and six
children, plus Jake, already. One more will hardly be
noticed. I must warn you however, dinner at our house can
be a trying experience to the uninitiated. Suffice it say
that Emma will be there. Oh, and it’s movie night. The
whole crew will be in the den watching. I was told that
Eddie and Edie have prepared something special, but I don’t
know what it is.”
I asked, “Emma? Emma is one of your daughters, isn’t
she? Is she a problem?”
The woman’s laughter had stopped but the twinkle
remained in her beautiful eyes. “Emma is our own little
train wreck. She was the daughter that appeared on Larry
King last year.”
I smiled. “Oh yes, the one who told that Pastor in
Swahili that he has a fat ass!”
Donnie or Deirdre, whoever, said, “That’s one of her
milder pranks. It took the news media a week to pick up on
it. No one of importance in this country speaks Swahili it
appears. But apparently a number of news outlets received
anonymous e-mails explaining the joke. That’s how it got
out.”
I was confused. “They received anonymous e-mails? Do
you have any idea who might have sent them?”
She replied, “I never asked, but I do know that Emma
doesn’t like it if her little tricks go unappreciated.”
I laughed. “Why the little devil. I can hardly wait to
meet her.”
The wife nodded. “I thought you might find her
interesting. If you don’t mind I’ll seat you next to her
tonight. She will be playing to you anyway, so we might as
well make it easy on her. By the way, are you a meat eater
or a vegetarian?”
I said “Why, it doesn’t matter. Whatever the family
eats will be fine.”
“Our family has a divide. Andrew eats meat when he
can. And if Jake is here he has an excuse. So when he
makes dinner on tennis night, those two always have meat.”
I was surprised. “Andrew makes dinner on tennis
night?”
She nodded. “Andrew makes dinner every night. He does
most of the cooking around here. He’s a better cook than
Donnie or me.”
Wow. I was going to have a dinner prepared by the
Progenitor. I said, “If it’s okay, I’ll join the men and
have meat.”
She said, “I’m sure that will be fine. Andrew is
making rack of lamb tonight.”
I tried to back out. “Oh, don’t let him to go to all
that trouble on my account. I’m sure that whatever the rest
of the family is having will be fine.”
She wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. “Don’t worry
yourself about it. Andrew loves rack of lamb. He’s always
looking for an excuse to have it. And he claims that it is
really quite easy to make. So rack of lamb it is. Why
don’t you get your things and I’ll get you settled in the
‘Get Andrew Laid’ room? You can freshen up a bit. Dinner
is at six-thirty. Because it’s movie night, the eKids can
stay up a little later than usual.”
The men had finished their tennis match and were
walking over to the wives and me. I could tell by the look
on Andrew’s face that he had lost. Jake looked smug and was
offering Andrew advice on tennis.
“Drew, I recommend that when a ball comes in your
general direction you lift your racket and attempt to hit
it. Who knows, you might get lucky and connect with
something.”
Andrew looked at Jake with weary resignation. I
somehow felt that when the shoe is on the other foot, Andrew
has no compunctions about offering Jake advice of his own.
“Lay off, Jake. I’m having a very bad day.”
Jake said, “You used to claim that you are a tennis
stud, but now we learn that you’re just a stud. I’m so
proud to know you, Mr. Progenitor.”
Andrew shot what appeared to be a guilty look towards
his wives. He saw that Donnie was perusing the magazine. I
knew it was Donnie because Deirdre was the one I was
speaking to.
“Uh, Donnie are you going to monopolize that thing all
day?”
Donnie looked up from the picture spread as if noticing
Andrew for the first time. “Andrew! There you are. You
know we are all so pleased. Our husband does two Playmates
at once! I think we should send a copy of this to your
mother. I’m sure she will be very proud.”
“Mom always said I had talent. I just had to discover
what it is. Now let me see what it is I did, will ya?”
Donnie looked smug. She said to me, “I’ll bet he
doesn’t even remember who they are.”
Jake nodded his head. “Yeah, he asked me what they
looked like. I told him if I ever went to bed with two
Playmates, I sure as hell would have remembered their faces.
The man’s sick.”
Andrew said, “The man has two wives that will make you
forget every other face you ever saw.”
Donnie hardly even smiled at that. She knew it
already. She handed the magazine over and Andrew looked at
the centerfold with two pulchritudinous babes displaying
their charms.
He nodded. “Oh, yeah; those two. I kind of remember
them. Their names begin with “D”, right?”
Deirdre smiled indulgently at her husband. She said to
me, “Every woman he’s been with has a name starting with the
letter “D”, so he made a safe guess. He’s been impregnating
women from the IAM “D” generation.”
Andrew said, ‘Yes, how bad is that! Worse, I’ve had
over a thousand children, and every one of them has a name
starting with the letter “E”. Now that should warrant
consideration in the Book of World Records, shouldn’t it?
Donnie said, “The real record is that with a thousand
children, over eight hundred girls, and not one Edith or
Ethel or Edna. That was the major condition that Andrew
made the women agree to before impregnation.”
Andrew tried to defend himself. “I hate those names.
Who wants a kid named Ethel?”
I could see that the Progenitor had a child-like view
of life. No wonder these marvelous women were with him.
He’s gorgeous, amazing in bed, and intelligent; yet he’s
innocent and playful.
Jake looked at the wives. He said, “Andrew tells me
that you don’t allow Playboy in the house. What do you plan
to do with this one?”
Donnie chuckled. “It’s going on our coffee table. Our
husband is a celebrity! Is America a great country or
what?”
Andrew said, “I haven’t owned a copy of Playboy since
college. Some guy I knew had a vintage collection of
Playboys that must have covered ten years of issues. For
some reason he didn’t want to take them with him when he
graduated, so he sold me the whole batch.”
“I knew exactly what I wanted to do with them. Did you
ever see that painting “American Gothic” by Grant Wood – a
dour old farm couple standing in front of their house, the
man with a pitch fork, the woman looking like Granny on the
Beverly Hillbillies? I bought a print of that painting and
hung it on my wall in the dorm. I scoured through ten years
of Playboy centerfolds till I found one that was just the
right size and just the right pose. Then I cut out the
girl’s body, cut off her head, and pasted it under the head
of the old lady in the painting. I don’t know, I just
thought the farmer looked happier after that.”
Everyone looked at him with a mixture of amazement and
pity as he went through this dissertation.
Jake said, “Drew the thing that worries me is that you
would probably do the same damn thing today if you had the
chance.”
Andrew replied, “Sure. Who wouldn’t?”
The wives stood up. One said to her husband, “Come on
sweetheart, let’s get you out of the sun. I think it’s
affecting your brain.”
The other wife said, “As long as it doesn’t affect
anything else, who cares?”
Andrew took his wives by the arm and the five us
returned to the house.
Donnie showed me into the “Get Andrew Laid” room. It
was pretty much as described in Playboy. I spent some time
freshening up before dinner then went out to face the Adkins
clan.
Dinner
I don’t suppose I ever wondered what Joanne Woodward
looked like as a child, but I found out when I was suddenly
confronted by these four identical little girls; beautiful,
curly, shoulder-length blonde hair; each missing several
teeth. They were little versions of their mothers: small,
slender and beautiful.
Then two little dark-haired boys came scampering by.
One could see their father in them. They were already as
tall as their older sisters.
With six children, one would expect chaos and
confusion, noise and jangled nerves. But these children
barely made a sound. Two of the girls never said a word. A
third girl made a comment or two but was rather quiet.
The fourth girl maintained a steady commentary from the
time she walked in to the dining room until everyone had
found their places. She didn’t shut up until her father
fixed her with a look. He said nothing, and I didn’t even
notice her looking at him. But she suddenly quieted down
then turned and winked at her father. He tried to look
grumpy, but it was obviously an effort: Emma.
One of the wives attempted to introduce me to the
children. She said, ‘Kids, this is Ms. Helen Gammon.
Helen, these are the eGirls and eBoys. Our boys are Ethan
and Eric. Those two across the table from you are Eddie and
Edie. Eddie is the one on the left.”
Andrew butted in. “Uh, Dee Dee, Eddie is the one on
the right.”
Deirdre responded, “Well it doesn’t really matter
anyway, does it? Speak to one and you are speaking to both
of them. Am I right girls?”
Both of the little girls across the table from me
smiled at their mother and nodded their heads in unison.
They looked in each other’s eyes and started giggling.
Andrew said to the girls, “Kids if you have something
to say, you can say it to the whole group. What do you want
to say?”
The one on the right, Edie I guess, said “No”
The one on the left, Eddie I guess, said “Daddy”
Right said “We”
Left said “don’t”
Right said “have”
Left said “anything”
Right said “to”
Left said “say.”
Right said “Do
Left said “you?”
Andrew reprimanded them. “You know we have a rule.
You can’t speak single words when you two are talking. It’s
annoying.”
Right said, “Okay Daddy”
Left said “We won’t”
Right said “Do it”
Left said “Ever again
Right said “Is that”
Left said “what you”
Right said “want us”
Left said “to do?”
Andrew looked pained. “Very funny. Complete sentences
for the remainder of the evening, if you please.”
I was amazed. I asked him, “How do they do that?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. You know how
identical twins are. I sometimes think those two are
telepathic.”
Emma jumped in. “What do you think they are the rest of
the time, Daddy?”
Andrew gave her what looked to be a warning glare.
“Don’t start with me, Emmy. At least you and Elle don’t
speak like circus freaks.”
Elle said “We”
Emma said “don’t”
Elle said “because”
Emma said “my”
Elle said “sister”
Emma said “is”
Elle said “a”
Emma said “pain”
Elle said “in”
Emma said “my”
Elle said “butt.”
Andrew looked resigned. “Just lay off, will ya?”
The wives were serving the food by this time. I was
surprised to be served beautifully prepared lamb, medium
rare with some sort of glaze. Beside the meat were some
vegetable I didn’t recognize and some little muffin-like
things. I didn’t know what they were either.
Andrew saw my confusion. He said, “Those are field
peas along with some hush puppies. This is kind of like
Southern Fried rack of lamb, as it were. When in Rome…”
I smiled rather guiltily and said, “I’m sure it will be
wonderful.” My actual opinion might have been slightly
different. Actually it was wonderful. It was all
wonderful.
As I was eating, Emma leaned in my direction and asked
“Do you have a boyfriend, Miss Gammon?”
I thought that was rather presumptuous of the little
thing, but I answered honestly. “No, I’m between boyfriends
right now.”
She leaned closer and whispered in my ear “Between
girlfriends, too, I’ll bet.”
I dropped my fork I was so shocked.
Andrew caught my discomfort, if not the exchange.
“Emmy, do what you like but don’t do it here.”
She was the picture of innocence when she said, “Okay,
Boss.”
Things seemed to calm down around the dinner table as
the girls concentrated on eating. Andrew had something to
say, so he unceremoniously launched into a lecture. The man
is distinctly odd. I can see where the girls get it from.
“I’ve been thinking about the solitaire game on my
computer. I’m convinced that it is forcing me to lose far
more often than it used to. I did a statistical analysis of
a thousand games. I discovered that if I uncover 2 aces,
the likelihood that the next two deuces I uncover will be
the other two covered suits is about 73.5%. If I uncover 3
aces, the likelihood that the next deuce I turn up will be
the remaining covered suit is 47.3%. Now that just isn’t
mathematically feasible, given a statistically large enough
dataset.”
One of the wives said, “Andrew, do you remember when we
first met that you mentioned to us that sometimes you are
interested in things that other people find deadly dull?
Believe me, sweetie, this is one of those times.”
Jake said, “You play solitaire on the computer? You
sit around and play a thousand games at a time just to
analyze the suit distribution? What in the world for?”
Andrew looked defensive. “It relaxes me!”
Jake shook his head. “Buddy, I thought you had to be
the most relaxed man in the world!”
Emma turned to one of her brothers. She said, “That’s
because he gets laid all the time.”
The brother grimaced. He replied, ‘I know he gets laid
all the time.”
Andrew said, ‘If you went into the Kalahari and asked a
bushman who Andrew Adkins was, the bushman would say ‘that’s
the guy that gets laid all the time’. Everyone in the world
seems to know about my sex life.”
A wife said, “Yes dear, and we are all very proud.”
Andrew didn’t want to leave the solitaire story alone.
He said, “But look, I’ve uncovered an anomaly here in my
card game. It shouldn’t be working this way. I’m winning
significantly fewer times than I used to. I’ve been trying
to develop a theory about why.”
A wife said to me, “Andrew is very good at developing
theories. Some of them are actually interesting.”
He gave her a look then continued. “What could be
causing this phenomenon? Let’s consider. A) It could be
Microsoft’s way of telling someone he plays solitaire too
much. Once you reach a certain number of games it might be
pre-programmed to lower the percentage of wins. B) It
could… I just haven’t been able to come up with a ‘B)’ yet.”
I noticed that Emma next to me was studiously looking
at her plate. She seemed to be trying to arrange things so
that her remaining field peas were underneath the knife
situated along the side of her plate.
Andrew said, “Okay then B) …” His eyes seemed to have a
flash of recognition. “B) Emmy! Emmy, first of all, don’t
think you can hide those peas under your knife. Just eat
them and get it over with. Secondly, you little stinker,
you’ve been screwing around with my solitaire game!”
Emma looked at him with a very innocent expression that
I was beginning to realize was an admission of guilt. “I
wouldn’t do that, Daddy. Would I?”
He said, “You just love to torture me, don’t you?”
She gave him a little wink and said, “But didn’t you
have fun doing your analysis? I try to give your life a
little focus.”
I heard Andrew mumble under his breath, “Focus you.”
I was still trying to get my mind around the fact that
a seven year old could rig a computer game when the subject
matter at the table changed.
One of the wives said, “Jake, have you given any more
thought to our proposal?”
Jake replied, ‘I don’t know, Deirdre. I’m pretty happy
as County Prosecutor.”
I jumped in. This Jake was pretty hunky and obviously
smart as well. “What’s this about?”
The Deirdre wife said, “We’ve asked Jake to consider
handling the legal side of our business affairs. We have
some pretty large things coming down the pike and we need to
cover our bases, legally.”
I was surprised. I asked, “What could you be doing
that requires a full time lawyer to handle?”
Andrew said, “Eddie and Edie have a couple of
developments that we’ve decided to market. If they are as
big as I think they can be, Jake would be managing the legal
team. We need someone we can really trust to be in charge.
We’ll hire other lawyers for specific functions. Our legal
needs look to be pretty large.”
“Come on Jake. It’ll be fun. Aren’t you tired of drug
dealers and jaywalkers? Wouldn’t you like to take on
Microsoft and Sony?”
I know I’m just a feature writer, but there was
obviously a story here. “What have you developed that will
require you to take on Microsoft and Sony?”
Emma said, “My sisters, the computer geeks, wrote a new
operating system when they were five. Windows sucks.
Everybody knows that. UNIX isn’t bad, but still has plenty
of holes. And Apple isn’t even a player. We needed a
secure operating system so Eddie and Edie wrote their own.
I thought we could maybe sell it, so I told them what to do
to make it commercially viable.”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing this stuff from a
seven year old. I asked her “How does it work?”
She looked across the table at her sisters, almost as
if she were asking for permission to speak for them. I saw
an almost imperceptible nod from one of them so Emma
continued.
“First, it is totally secure. I attacked the thing for
months without being able to break in.”
Andrew felt the need to butt in. “Sorry, Helen, but
this part is off the record. Suffice it to say, if Emmy
can’t hack it, it can’t be hacked.”
Emma continued. “Anyway, it recognizes hardware
automatically. Except for the really weird items, no
drivers are required. It will go and find any of the weird
drivers and retrieve and install them without operator
intervention. We don’t need a browser, since the operating
system is a browser.”
Andrew interjected, “There you go, Jake. Microsoft
tried to include Internet Explorer in with Windows and was
sued. We’ll be sued too for having an internal browser.
That’s one of the things we have to be prepared for, though
ours is totally integral with the operating system. It’s
seamless. You can’t see where the OS ends and the browser
begins.”
Emma looked at her father as if to say ‘shut the hell up’
and then went on.
“Our OS requires a special touch-screen that my sisters
developed. Most of the control functions can be performed
without keystrokes and without a pointing device, since the
touch-screen is the pointing device.”
“Since we had a touch-screen already, we put a little
scanner into one corner of the screen. So there isn’t any
sign-on procedure. Just touch the corner with your finger
and the system recognizes you and brings up your desktop
automatically. If it doesn’t recognize your fingerprint you
can’t get in.”
Jake asked, “But what if the person is handicapped and
has no fingers?”
Emma looked at him with a degree of pity. “Please
Jake. I think we know what we’re doing here. I’m just
giving you general information. We’ve covered the obvious
exceptions to the rules already. If I go into all of the
‘what ifs’ I’ll start sounding like Daddy.”
Andrew looked offended. “How come I get insulted
around here when I’m not even in the conversation?”
Emma said to her father, “Don’t worry Daddy, you’re our
favorite Homo sapien.” That seemed to mollify him.
“Anyway, we built a multi-level degree of difficulty
into the user-interface. So the operating system can be set
to be used comfortably by kids, teenagers, adults, and
computer geeks. All of the options are sensitive to user-
competency levels.
Andrew interrupted. “I think we all get the picture.
We need to negotiate with a major computer manufacturer that
would be interested in making a dent into Microsoft’s
monopoly. I was thinking IBM, since they’ve been pushing a
UNIX version for a while. Someone like that. Obviously, we
need a good legal mind to spearhead this effort.”
“Jake, we’re not talking small potatoes, here. If we
can make some headway against Microsoft, the dollars might
be significant. We’re talking billions. And I can
guarantee you this OS will blow Windows away.”
Jake asked, “Can I get a look at it?”
Finally one of the little computer geeks spoke. “We
can give you a computer pre-loaded with a beta-version of
the operating system.”
The other said, “You can take it to work.”
The first said, “It’ll plug into any network and be
recognized.”
The other said, “You can even make it a server if you
want.”
The first said, “Without spending a fortune for server
software.”
Emma said, “This goes a long way towards making a
computer like any other appliance in your home or office.
You just plug it in and the computer does the rest. Maybe
we’ll piss off a few computer geeks who like to think they
know the secrets to the universe, but the average H. sapien
should like this a lot.”
Andrew took over. “The remaining step is to convince a
manufacturer to build a computer that has only one kind of
port. At the same time we need to convince the peripheral
manufacturers to make sure their hardware uses the same type
of port, a USB port, probably. That way there will be no
confusion about what to plug in where. You can plug any
device into any port. The hell with backward
compatibility.”
I was only partially sure of what was being said, but I
knew enough to recognize a big story in the making, assuming
any of this were true. I said, “You said there were a
couple of things you have to market. What’s the other one?”
Andrew answered, “You’ll see the other later tonight.
It’s being demo’ed in our den in about a half an hour.”
Well seeing the second product will give me a clue as
to the value of the first product, I suppose.
I turned to Emma and said, ‘I know what Eddie and Edie
do. I understand that Elle is a financier. But what do you
plan to do with your life?”
She said, “I’m going to be President of the United
States.”
I laughed. “Well that’s a pretty big goal for a little
girl.”
Andrew kind of snickered. “Not for that little girl”,
he said.
Emma smiled at him. “I could be president by the next
election if I figure out how to change the age restriction.
The Republicans think that they are the only ones who can
rig those touch-screen voting machines. They’re in for a
surprise.”
I was shocked. What was this about rigging voting
machines?
One of the wives put an end to the topic. “Emma, you
know we never talk politics at dinner.”
Emma said, “Or in bed. Did you forget that one?”
Andrew had had enough of Emma for a while. “Well, that
about wraps up dinner. What say we have popcorn and juice
along with the movie, instead of dessert?”
A Movie
Jake and I moved to the den while Andrew and his wives
cleared off the table. The eKids were obviously required to
do their part in the cleanup as well.
Jake and I sat on one of the couches in the den. The
den was obviously set up to handle lots of people. This is
a big family. Jake and I hadn’t exchanged two words since
we met. But I was certainly interested in talking to him.
“Are you considering the Adkins’ offer to be their
legal director?”
He replied, “I don’t know. They are offering about
four times what I currently make. But I’ve always wanted to
be the ‘crusading prosecutor’. I’ll admit the reality of it
doesn’t quite live up to the image I had in my mind. But I
like it. I’m doing something important.”
I said, “On the other hand, this sounds pretty
important too. It will be a big challenge, and the
potential seems incredible.”
He agreed. ‘Yeah, it is a pretty exciting opportunity.
Besides which, the next lie that Drew tells will be his
first. I’d trust these people with my life.”
The man’s Southern accent was most attractive. He
seems sincere and talented. I suspect that honesty goes
both ways. The Adkins’ wouldn’t be making the offer if they
didn’t feel the same way about him. I felt I had to know
something important about him.
“How does your wife feel about all this?” I hoped I
wasn’t being obvious.
He smiled. “I have no wife, I’m afraid. Right now the
only person I have to worry about is me.”
That was nice. I asked him, “Is there going to be a
lot of travel involved? It sounds like there will be some
negotiating going on.”
He said, “Drew tells me we can do most of the
negotiating through teleconferencing. Obviously I would
have to make some trips to New York and to the Silicon
Valley, among other places. Maybe even to Washington State.
But no, there isn’t that much travel involved; just enough
to make it interesting.”
I said, “You sound like you might be leaning towards
accepting their offer.”
He wasn’t ready to go that far. ‘Well, let’s see what
it is they have. That will help me decide.”
The Adkins family began to drift into the room by then.
Andrew came in and opened a door in one wall. I realized I
was looking at the largest flat screen TV I had ever seen.
It must have cost a fortune. I guess these people have
money.
Eventually everyone got settled. Donnie and Deirdre
were on one couch, each with a little boy on her lap, each
child sucking his thumb. Andrew was in a recliner with a
little girl riding each knee. Another little girl climbed
up on Jake’s lap. It was obvious he had been here before.
I looked around for the remaining little girl, thinking
she might want to sit on my lap, but she was nowhere to be
found.
The TV came on and a movie started. I expected,
perhaps a Walt Disney children’s movie. Instead an old
movie from the ‘60s was playing. It starred Paul Newman and
Joanne Woodward. It was called “A New Kind of Love”. I
don’t remember having seen it before, and I must admit that
it was pretty good. It was a light comedy.
Joanne Woodward played a dowdy fashion designer sent to
Paris to steal the designs of the important designers. Paul
Newman was a reporter sent to Paris because he cuckolded his
boss.
One by one the children had climbed down and now were
all lying on the floor watching the movie. I still wondered
where the last little girl was.
Midway through the film, Joanne Woodward was
transformed into this lovely thing through makeup, clothes,
and a new wig. It was then that I saw how much Deirdre and
Donnie looked like her. I was watching the scene unfold in
front of me in the den, as Andrew seemed to have a difficult
time concentrating on the movie. His eyes kept drifting
toward his wives.
They pretended to be oblivious, but I could tell they
were both acutely aware of his attention. Both women
changed position on the couch, and as they did, their skirts
seemed to slide up a little. Andrew seemed mesmerized by
the amount of leg being shown by each. This man is in
serious lust. He might be as sexy as everyone thinks.
Andrew took a quick trip to the kitchen, and suddenly
there was popcorn and fruit juice for everyone. The man is
very domestic. I’m impressed.
The movie was winding towards its conclusion. There
was a bedroom scene in which Joanne Woodward was dressed in
a sexy negligee, with the intent of seducing Paul Newman.
Just as it was getting to the good part, Joanne turned
toward the camera. She seemed to be looking directly at
Andrew.
Then she said, “What do you think, Daddy? Am I doing
okay?”
Jake dropped his glass of juice on the floor. I felt
like we were in the twilight zone.
Andrew smiled and said, “Not bad, honey. I certainly
prefer this movie to the last one you did.” He looked at
Jake and me. “Last week she starred in ‘Emmy Does Dallas’.
It was embarrassing. But I’ll admit that Emmy is a better
actress than Debbie.”
The Joanne Woodward figure turned to Jake and me. It
said, “This is what we call VV – Virtual Video. All of the
main characters have been digitized. We have virtual
helmets that you can wear that allow you to become one of
the characters. I wanted to be Joanne Woodward, because
Daddy has the hots for Joanne Woodward.”
Andrew looked cross. “Don’t start with me, Emmy.”
Joanne Woodward just smiled and blew him a kiss. To
add to the surreally of it all, Paul Newman looked at Joanne
and said, “What’s the matter, did you forget your lines?”
Joanne turned to Paul and said, “Shut Up!” He sat on
the bed and gave his trademark insouciant smile.
Joanne (Emma) turned back to Jake and me. “The script
is displayed right in front of your eyes. We can do it in
seven languages right now (because that’s all we know), but
when we are ready to market it, we’ll have every major
language available.”
“We can deviate from the script a little bit, but right
now the other actors can’t follow a major change unless they
are virtual actors too. And we can use the actor’s voice,
or we can use our own voice.” All of a sudden, Emma’s tiny
voice was coming out of Joanne’s mouth and then the figure
morphed into the image of Emma. This was truly weird.
“We even have ‘help’ available. It can be acting help
or criticism. Would you like to see it?”
Both Jake and I nodded our heads. I have no idea where
Emma was located, but she must have seen us.
Emma said, “We’ve programmed several levels of possible
help. This is the ‘Daddy Lecture’ help mode.”
Paul Newman slowly morphed into the figure of Andrew
Adkins and back into Paul Newman. He began talking. “Emmy,
that was very good. But you should learn to put more
feeling into the scene. Picture what you want to do before
you do it. And open up with your feelings. A) Look into
yourself to find the meaning of the words. B)…” the voice
droned on and on. Emma’s figure morphed back into Joanne
Woodward. Joanne put her finger down her throat and made
gagging noises.
Andrew said, ‘Enough already! We get the joke.”
Joanne had a slight smile on her face and said, “We
also have a ‘Daddy Driver’ help mode.”
Suddenly Paul Newman stood and began yelling. “What
the hell is the matter with you? You fucking idiot!”
All of the children were giggling and even the wives
were laughing.
Andrew said, “I think everyone gets the point. Let’s
just end this before I become violent and start eliminating
actors the hard way.”
One of the wives looked at us. “Donnie and I have been
very concerned about the direction taken by entertainment in
the last couple of decades. It seems to us that children
spend most of their time looking at some kind of screen: a
computer monitor, a television, a video game. This
generation has become watchers instead of doers. I asked
Emmy to come up with a way that they could become a part of
the action. And this is it.”
Both Jake and I were stunned. This was the most
amazing technology I had ever seen, and it was developed by
seven year olds. I heard Jake mutter, “Maybe I should be
considering this offer more seriously.”
Emma came skipping into the room, reminding me of how
very young she is. She jumped into Andrew’s lap and gave
him a big hug. He was tickling her and she was laughing.
It was all so very domestic for an exchange between a genius
and a super-genius.
Emma said, “Jake, when we go public with the new
operating system, I want to have a contest to prove how good
it is. We’ll set up a system with a known IP address then
offer a million dollars to anyone who can hack into it.
We’ll have every geek on the planet fighting for the
chance.”
“My geeky sisters set up fire walls a couple of years
ago to keep the government out of our database. They left a
little something behind the last firewall to reward anyone
who was able to break through, though no one did. You see,
our database wasn’t even on that computer.”
“So I did the same thing with this one. In addition to
a million dollars, anyone who breaks into our operating
system will get this.”
Emma clicked on the remote control and suddenly there
was displayed a virtually life-sized picture of Donnie and
Deirdre, asleep and naked in each other’s arms. I gasped.
Jake gasped. It was the sexiest picture I’ve ever seen.
One of the wives let out a little scream. “Andrew!
You promised that picture would be hidden.”
Andrew tried to sound sorry, but he was looking at the
picture at least as diligently as Jake and me. “Dee Dee,
you know if Emma wants to get into something, nothing I can
do will stop her. Besides, this is high art. It’s the best
picture I’ve ever taken.”
Deirdre’s and Donnie’s faces were crimson. But I had
to put in my two cents.
“Really, Andrew is right. This is a beautiful picture.
Please consider letting me show it to the editors at Cosmo.
I feel sure they would want to use it for the cover. At the
very least it would be put at the top of my story. It’s an
amazing picture.”
The girls were looking daggers at Andrew. He looked
innocent. Having met Emma, Andrew may well have been
innocent. I was wondering if tonight might be one of
Andrew’s rare off nights.
Finally one of the wives said, ‘Time for bed,
children.” There were a few grumbles, but I saw that most
of them had been rubbing their eyes. The girls and boys
took off up the stairs, all except for Emma.
She looked at Jake and then she looked at me. I felt
Jake’s eyes on me. I looked into his eyes, and I suddenly
wanted him. He is very sexy. I don’t know what got into
me, but I was hot! I heard Emma giggle, and saw her run for
the stairs. She turned and looked at us one more time, and
then went up to bed.
I expected there to be recriminations between Andrew
and his wives, but when I looked up Andrew had an arm around
each one, and they were both snuggled into his neck, hugging
him. I guess anger doesn’t stand much of a chance around
here.
Andrew turned to us, both wives in his arms. He said,
“Good night kids. It’s definitely past our bedtime. Feel
free to stay up as long as you like. The TV has cable if
you want to watch. We usually eat breakfast about 7:30 in
the morning. You’re both welcome to join us.”
And then the three of them went up the stairs, still
holding each other. My God, I just realized that Andrew
just assumed that Jake was going to spend the night. With
Me!
I looked at Jake. He appeared to be uncomfortable with
the situation. He said, “Uh, Helen, I sure didn’t put
Andrew up to anything, and I don’t expect anything to
develop tonight, so to speak.”
I just walked over to him and took his hand. I said,
“Oh, the hell with it”, and pulled him into the bedroom.
Jake’s Story
I must be the luckiest guy on earth; well, maybe the
second luckiest. I’m being taken to bed by the third most
beautiful woman in Georgia. I’ve got to give Donnie and
Deirdre their credit. They are seriously hot and deserve to
share the #1 and #2 ranking.
But Helen is a definite lottery pick. And tonight
she’s mine. I’ve just got to keep hanging around Drew.
We were in the ‘Get Andrew Laid’ room. Well I guess
tonight it’s the “Get Jake Laid” room.
Helen pulled me into the room and closed the door
behind us. She turned to me and we instantly embraced.
I don’t know how it happened. I had been sitting there
after the movie just looking at her when I was overcome with
lust for her. I guess the same thing happened to her.
We were in major lust. My lips devoured hers as her
slender body crushed itself against mine. Our tongues were
dueling, barely touching; teasing each other. I was hard as
a rock. Damn was I turned on!
She was wearing a dress that buttoned down the front.
I like that kind. As I slowly unbuttoned her, the dress
fell away from those gorgeous shoulders.
I love soft round shoulders on a woman. Drew tells me
it is because it makes them look like an ass. Well maybe,
but he’s got other crazy ideas too, so I don’t put much
stock in this particular notion.
Helen has ‘grade A’ shoulders, is all I can say. I
kissed down her long lovely neck and then started attacking
her shoulders. I’m a shoulder man, I guess.
I kept unbuttoning that dress and finally it fell to
the floor. She stood before me in her glory, with just a
bra, panties, a garter belt and stockings. She sure as hell
looks like she came ready to fuck.
Next to come off was her bra. She has small but
beautiful breasts. I know guys that need huge breasts to
make them happy. I just don’t see it myself. Any breasts
will do as far as I’m concerned. Her breasts may be small,
but her nipples were ready for the major leagues. They
stuck out like erasers, hard and rubbery, just longing for
my tongue.
I picked her up and carried her to the huge four-poster
that serves as Drew’s private brothel. She’s as light as a
feather.
Helen wasn’t content to let me take over. As soon as
she reached the bed she also reached for my pants. She was
in a hurry to see what was in there, I guess. I’m proud to
say, I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.
I helped her and my pants dropped to the floor along
with my boxer shorts. Her eyes widened in appreciation of
what I had to give her. Yeah, I’ll give it to her all
right.
But not quite yet. Hers is the kind of body that you
want to devour. If an old country boy like me gets a shot
at a body like that, there is nothing to do but worship it.
And worship it I did, let me tell you.
I spent a long time making love to those lovely
shoulders, but finally worked my way down to those beautiful
tits. I love responsive nipples on a woman. And hers are
way up there on my list. I sucked a nipple in to my mouth
and I think she almost climaxed right there.
She had started moaning by the time I reached her tits.
Her body was pressing up into mine, trying to find contact
points. I let my hand wander down to the junction between
her legs.
Let me tell you, I’ve never seen a shaved pussy before.
When I pulled her panties down, I was confronted by one
beautiful hairless cunt.
I read somewhere that women shave their pussies because
it feels good when someone goes down on them. Well damn, I
can take a hint. I’ve always called it muff-divin’ myself,
but there wasn’t no muff to dive into, if you catch my
drift. She was bald as a baby’s butt.
I slipped off her stockings then licked her thigh from
her knee all the way up. I switched legs and did the same
thing. She was watching me, and I could see by the way her
ass was moving around the bed that she was hot for me.
I played with her a little bit, you know; just letting
her know that I was there without actually licking anything
important. But finally I took pity on her. Well actually I
really wanted to taste her cunt. So I let my tongue run
right up the center of her pussy lips.
She groaned out loud as my tongue massaged her lips. I
worked my way up to her clit, which was standing out, just
waiting for attention. Yeah, I’ll give that little button
all the attention it can handle.
But first my tongue plunged into her pussy. She
screamed and her legs tightened around my ears. I realized
she had gone over the edge the first time something went
into her cunt. That’s the kind of woman I’m talkin’ about.
Well, hell, I was just starting to warm her up some.
She was wet as the blazes by the time she started coming
down. So I stuck a finger right in there and let her start
to take off again.
Sucking her clit between my lips, I started to ride her
good with both my finger and my tongue. Damn, the woman’s
screams like to raise the dead. She was cumming like a fire
engine, panting and swearing. The woman was hot, and I
hadn’t even dicked her yet.
It was time to solve that problem. My dick felt like
iron, and I wanted to pump a little iron.
I moved up to hold her. We kissed and cuddled a little
bit. I wanted to give her some recovery time before I put
her over the top again. I’m a gentleman from Georgia.
My plan was to slide it on in there and let her have
it. But all of a sudden this New York vixen pushed me onto
my back. She sat up and took hold of my dick. Then her
mouth slid over the head and I felt just about the best
feeling I’ve ever had. Man the woman was a first class
cocksucker! I saw her head popping up and down, my dick
going deep into her throat.
But that wasn’t what I wanted right now. I wanted to
fuck her. Just as I was about to tell her so, she stopped.
She looked me in the eye and said, “Hope you don’t
mind, but I’ll finish you off that way later. Right now, I
need this beautiful thing inside me.”
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. She kept hold of my
dick and climbed right on top. She rubbed the head of my
dick across her crack, the same damn place my mouth had been
ten minutes ago.
She looked me straight in the eye and then plunged down
on my dick. Hot damn, that was one tight cunt! She was
moaning and humping on my dick like a crazed cowgirl.
Her eyes were closed as she slammed herself on to me.
When she reached bottom she ground herself against me. Damn
the woman can fuck as well as she can suck!
Then she started getting vocal. “Oh yeah. Oh GOD!
Yes. Yesss! Fuck me, big boy. Make me cum. GOD! Fuck me.
Fuck ME. FUCK MEEE!!”
She was taking me with her with her dirty talkin’. I
could feel myself growing bigger, swelling up right inside
that warm soft cunt of hers.
Her eyes were still closed. We were both almost there.
And then I went over the top and started pumping cum into
that pussy for all I’m worth.
That put her over too. She started to scream her
climax. “FUCKKK! FUCK MEEE! YESSS! OH GOD! FUCK ME
ANDREW!!!”
Andrew?! Well shit!