Late August 1968 found me in Toronto registering for an electronics engineering programme at Ryerson Polytechnical Institute. It wasn't a degree level course, but Ryerson was considered the very best in the country, and its graduates were the most sought after in the field. A single year of university at your leisure and discretion after graduation would get the coveted iron ring.
I wanted to make it work, but I was in such a tailspin, I really didn't have the heart. I split up with Carol and Riekie two years before almost to the day, but it felt like yesterday, thanks to being rejected by RMC. I really should have taken some time off, skipped school for a year and just tried to get my head back together, but I didn't.
The first few weeks, I did Ok. I went to class, did my homework, handed my labs in on time and tried to bury myself in the work. I went home every weekend. A family friend drove back and forth every week to Toronto. For the price of splitting the gas costs, I got to eat home cooking. Around the end of September, Bob called from Winnipeg, of all places. He said he was going to university there, but didn't like the programme. He was thinking of dropping out and changing over to one of the community colleges. Being a hands-on type, he wanted less theory and more practical.
Bob said the whole family had moved down to Winnipeg from FortChurchill after Dolly gave Bob Sr. an ultimatum, and Bob thought the end of that marriage was near. Bob Sr. had caved in and moved the family to Winnipeg, but still spent most of his time in Florida, even though his NASA contract wasn't renewed.
Riekie had started full medical school at U of T, and Carol was in Toronto attending OCA. At least the girls got their career choices! I still didn't know the full perfidy of my enemy, and just wondered which of the Fates I had pissed off so badly. Bob said the girls were back on speaking terms, but still weren't close, although they were close enough o live together with the aunts. I thought if anybody could get them fully reconciled as sisters at least, it would be the aunts, that is, if they had recovered from their own loss. He said Carol was still very depressed, but could smile occasionally. I thought he was exaggerating how poor her mental state was. I felt for sure by now Bob Sr. would have told her the truth and let her heal.
I told Bob about being rejected by RMC and that I was attending Ryerson in Toronto. He said he was sorry to hear about RMC, he knew how much I'd wanted it. Like me, he was mystified how I could be rejected based on my early high marks and my excellent course reports. When I told him I was going to school in Toronto, he thought it would be a good opportunity to contact the girls and at least re-open communications. He even gave me the aunts' telephone number.
Bob's call, far from being helpful, just struck that sore nerve. Telling him about RMC and finding out both my wives were in the same city was too much. Of course, I'd known where Riekie was all along, and if I'd thought for a minute she'd give me even the time of day, I'd have looked her up. Now his suggestion I call them and reopen old wounds did just that by itself.
I went back to Toronto that Sunday night thoroughly depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I went downhill fast. I got in with a drinking crowd, and started partying hard and fast. I burned up a lot of cash on booze and started smoking. I spent most nights of the week drunk and the next day hung over so badly I started cutting classes. The booze and my self-pity were an insidious combination. I only felt human when I was drinking.
After more than a month on this path to self-destruction, I got a belly full of 'Dutch courage' one night, and called the girls. My last communication from Riekie had been that if I called, she wouldn't answer or return my calls. Tante Pie answered the phone and recognized my voice straightaway. She was very friendly and glad to hear from me. I asked to speak to Riekie or Carol. She said Carol had a late class and wasn't home yet, but Riekie was. I expected Riekie to say she wasn't taking my calls, so imagine my surprise when she came on the line! We exchanged pleasantries and she suggested the three of us get together on some neutral ground. Tante Jo heard that, and yelled their house was neutral ground, and to invite me over. Riekie said Ok, but she had to check with Carol and could she call me back. I gave her my number, and we hung up.
About an hour later, I was a little more the worse for wear when the phone rang. It was Riekie. She said Carol agreed to see me at the aunts' and was tomorrow night convenient? I said sure, got the address, and once again we hung up. I got very drunk that night. Hearing Riekie's voice not once, but twice sounding friendly for some reason upset me a great deal. I guess I thought she should be nervous with me. In my drunken stupors, I had begun blaming her for running away. When I was fully sober, I knew it wasn't so simple, and there had been other forces in play.
The next night, I needed some more 'Dutch courage' to go over there and meet them. It wasn't far from me, just a short hop on the subway. When I got there I was mostly sober, and almost turned away at the door, but managed to ring the bell. Tante Pie answered the door and gave me a hug of welcome. She led me in to meet my girls.
The first thing I noticed was they were both still wearing their rings, lockets and bracelets.
The next thing I noticed was they were still as beautiful as ever, except Bob was right about Carol. She still looked haunted. Her eyes weren't red from crying like the last few times I'd seen her, but there was an emptiness there that frightened and saddened me. It was like the lights were on, but nobody was home. She smiled, but it was a mechanical smile like you see on tour guides. Some how I knew it wasn't just me that got that smile — it was for any situation that socially required one. Carol's voice when she greeted me was almost featureless. I knew Bob Sr. had never told her the truth, and that someday I was going to hunt down and maim or kill the son of a bitch that did this to her. When Tante Pie called us to dinner, Carol moved like she carried a great burden.
Riekie looked a lot better. She seemed brighter than Carol, and carried herself with a self confidence I liked. That quiet inner strength I'd seen in her over two years ago was manifesting itself nicely. But her eyes lacked a certain lustre, too. Hers weren't haunted, just pained with a sense of longing. I thought if I could see mine, I would see something similar in mine. The last two years had obviously not been easy on her, either, and had left their mark. Her greeting was more normal than Carol's, her voice having life and texture.
The third thing I noticed was I still loved these two wonderful creatures beyond reckoning. I had thought I was over the worst of it. Not by a long shot! I realized it would take many years to recover from the loss of these two, if ever.
That's when the evening started to go downhill. It started out fine enough. We made small talk catching up on the comings and goings of various family members until dinner was served. The aunts offered me a drink which I accepted. The booze loosened my tongue, and I was able to talk more freely. They kept my glass full. At dinner, they served wine and again my glass was kept full. By the time dinner was over, I had quite a skin full. The after dinner drinks put me over the edge. The girls had refused the before dinner drinks, but did have wine with their dinner.
Riekie noticed me getting drunker by the minute and suggested I ease up a bit. Good advice, and I might have taken it, but then she said I reminded her of her father when he was drunk. I was already thinking about killing him on sight from the condition Carol was in. Being compared to him set me off on a rant about that useless bastard and what I'd like to do to him. I was just drunk enough, I didn't make any sense. I got very loud and obnoxious and made a hell of a scene. I scared them and they left the room. I knew I had really put my foot in it and that it was time to leave, and let these girls be. Tante Pie wouldn't let me go on the subway in my condition and drove me home. She didn't seem upset with me, just sad. I was sure I'd seen the last of the girls forever.
Oddly enough, that wasn't the last. They called me a couple days later and asked me out to dinner at a restaurant. We talked and had some laughs, and I got pissed again, but I didn't go off on a rant this time. I just got maudlin over not being accepted to RMC, which was the first they'd heard of it. They thought I'd changed my mind and gone to Ryerson on my own. The evening wasn't a total loss like the previous one, but it was far from a success as well. We did make arrangements to meet again, and that night, I was half in the bag when they got there. We had dinner, but the girls said they each had a hard day coming, and needed to get to bed, so they left early. I knew damn well I drove them away with my drinking and self-pity. I got royally pissed after they left. I don't remember how I got home.
The next morning, the phone ringing just about took the top off my pounding head. My mouth felt like the whole Russian army had walked through in their sock feet. When I finally got the God-awful noise of ringing stopped by answering it, Riekie was on the other end. She wanted to meet me for lunch. I wasn't sure if I could be well enough to do it, but said Ok. I lit a smoke, and poured out some hair of the dog.
When I met Riekie at lunchtime, I knew I looked a fright. I was totally disheveled and reeked of stale booze. My head still hurt, my breath reeked, and my guts churned. I wasn't able to eat very much. Riekie came to the point quickly.
"David. What happened to the strong, mature, responsible person I fell in love with and that everyone else admired so much? Where did this weak individual wallowing in self pity come from? I don't know you any more.
"You need to get a grip on yourself. People lose career chances every day, and still keep going. It's not the end of the world. David, I still love you, but the way you are now, you won't live another five years. I'm not saving myself for a dead man or a drunk, and someday you're going to need to be there for Carol Anne."
I wasn't ready to be lectured just yet. I knew she was right about my self-destructive behavior. I kicked myself for it every day, then fell right back into it. What I needed was incentive and answers. I let my booze addled brain do the talking.
"Riekie, you don't know the half of anything about me anymore. It isn't just the RMC thing. That was just the last straw, and it hurts because I tied that plan to you and Carol Anne. You don't lose a marriage and the two people you love twice in two weeks then have the only other anchor in your life jerked out without taking some damage. It's just taken two years for it to show. I was doing fine here, until Bob called and told me you were both here. To be so close to you and yet so far has been the hardest thing I've had to bear in some time. So don't be ragging on Superman because his cape's a little loose. He hasn't lost it completely.
"I'll ask you a question. Where were you when I needed you? You ran out on me, leaving only a letter, and refusing to even talk to me. If you'd have hung in, or even allowed communication we stood a very good chance of working it out with Carol Anne. Even if you couldn't stay in that house, you could've gone to the farm. You'd have been there to explain exactly what happened and I'd have been better equipped to deal with the machinations of your father, who, by the way, I am going to personally destroy someday. So don't be getting on my case because I feel sorry for myself two years after winning a battle and losing the war. You have some explaining to do of your own."
She was taken aback by my little speech.
"What do you mean you lost us twice in two weeks?"
Her question just set me off again.
"The first started when you left without notice or explanation. A letter, regardless of how hard you might think it would be in person, doesn't cut it with me. You wounded me to the quick, Riekie. You cut me to the core. Even Carol Anne, in her pain, made worse by your leaving, stayed and faced me to tell me it was over. Yeah, I broke down and bawled my eyes out like a baby and felt all empty inside, but I was Superman, and I hung in there. I fought back, with the help of Bob, and won Carol Anne back. We were within a couple hours of total reconciliation, but I had a date with the boys and she insisted I keep it.
"That's how the second and most total break came to happen. If I'd have stayed and talked to her instead of going out with Bob and our friends, we'd all be happily back together now. Your father said or did something terrible while we were out that crushed Carol Anne completely so she became what you see today, the shell of a person. If I'd listened to my better judgment that day, and if you'd been there still, it wouldn't have happened.
"I didn't let that get me down completely, either, but then your father moved the family away. I knew what he was up to. We all did, but were powerless to stop him. Even with you there, I doubt we could have stopped the move, but if all three of us were together, we could have done something, even if it was to finally go it on our own.
"But I didn't and you weren't so here we are now, three lost souls trying to find each other again and it doesn't look good. Carol is so damaged, it will take years, I think, maybe more than we have, for her to realize her own self worth again. Only one person other than herself can free her, and he isn't about to any time soon. I know it's not me that hurt her, and so does she. She calls me David, and that's how I know. I'm as much a victim as she.
"So don't be giving me shit because I feel a little sorry for myself. You're doing it too, but by burying yourself in your school. I could have done that too, if things had been different. What makes you so special that you were able to make it into your lifetime dream and use it to help you survive? I not only met the requirements, I exceeded them. Why was I rejected? Too many questions for this boy, now Riekie. Too many questions, and finally I broke under the weight of them and a love that eats me up everyday. Is that so bad? That I finally proved to be human?"
Riekie was close to tears, but hung in there.
"I had no idea, David. I knew it would hurt you for me to leave, but there were other things happening too. Perhaps the all or none rule was too severe, but that's what you saw, and we all accepted it. I still can't tell you, but someday you'll know, I promise. I never knew you were so close to getting us back. I wondered why Carol was so badly off. When I left she was angry and hurt, but nothing like now. What did my father do to her, David?"
"You obviously never read my letters, or you'd have known how close we came. You never said you wouldn't read them, just you wouldn't reply. You probably threw them in the trash as soon as they came in. I can't tell you what he did to Carol Anne. It's no longer my place. Both of you have cut yourselves off from me. If you want to know, ask her, but I doubt she'll tell you, and he certainly won't."
"No, I still have those letters, I just never opened them. I think maybe I will now. Oh, David, I'm so sorry for not being there for you. I was scared and hurt and very angry. Yes, I guess I did run away, but now I'm stronger and I want to make things right some day. I have promises to keep, and now a sister who needs me as a sister to help her heal. I guess we all need some more healing."
"Yes. Riekie, we all need it. It's going to be harder than we imagine. I'm totally alone, now. At least you and Carol Anne have each other on some level. Even the Power that once guided us has left me, and what's left in its place seems determined to keep us apart. Maybe someday the Power will reassert itself. Mom thinks so, but I'm not hopeful. Some days I think I might just as well curl up and die."
"Well, I'm not about to do anything so senseless! I have a life and a career, even if it is on my own. And if you do decide to end it all with drinking and being stupid, I think you should at least consider other people first, like you used to do. This may sound strange, and a real turn of the topic, but your genes are too valuable to lose. Even if fate conspires to keep us apart so we can't have children like we hoped, perhaps there is a way to save a part of you for others.
"Do me a favour will you? I work at a fertility clinic as part of my placement training. They need sperm donors. They pay, and it's totally anonymous. Surely you can donate some of his Precious Stuff so some childless couple can have a child that has the benefit of your genes, and will be wanted, even if you're gone, having drank yourself to death."
This rather abrupt turn in the conversation floored me, but it did get us off what could become an interminable round that could only end in bitterness and rancor, which neither of us wanted. I didn't know what to say, but I was also broke, thirsty and the rent was due. Finally, after several seconds of silence while I adjusted to the turn in the talk and wrapped my head around what she was asking, I asked the question.
"How much do they pay?"
"Fifty dollars per sample. We like to get a minimum of three samples per donor."
Fifty bucks for jerking off in a test tube? That was found money! But I still had some qualms.
"Sounds interesting, I could use the cash. Poor broken down student and all that, but it would be embarrassing to the nth degree to just walk in off the street and jerk off in a test tube."
"We try to ease the embarrassment. It's very professional without any tittering or off-colour remarks. We stress how much good we're doing for people who can't have children on their own and who desperately want them. The clinic actually counts on students for most of their samples. They recognize two things. Students are young, virile and potent AND they're usually in need of funds. The clinic gets the best of available semen, and the students get much-needed money. It's a win-win situation."
"Ok. I'll think about it, do you have a card?"
"Yes, and if it's any easier for you, I work every day from nine to noon. I just came from there. If you do decide to help the clinic out, they only allow one sample per donor per day. You and I know you're capable of more than that, but they want the most viable samples they can get."
She handed me the card. I knew I'd do it, but only for her. Despite my eagerness to make some easy money, I wasn't comfortable with the prospect.
"I understand. I seem to recall giving you girls a mini lecture on the subject one time. If I do it at all Riekie, it will be for you, and you must be my contact person. If they try to put me off to a generic handler or whatever they're called, I'll leave."
"That won't be a problem. When you come into the clinic, if you don't see me, ask. Many donors are brought in by direct personal referral of a staff member. That contact is always respected. You will be no different. I'll make sure you're as comfortable as possible."
We finished our lunch, or rather she did. I couldn't eat yet. She had to get back to class and left soon after.
The next day, I was there by ten and found Riekie. I'd do it for her and the money, but only for her. Riekie had me sign a release, handed me the sample bottle and showed me where to do my thing. She made small talk and tried to put me at ease. There were porn magazines to aid the process. I hadn't needed magazines in a long time. Since the breakup, I hadn't had the urge very often, but every now and then, a memory would go the right way and I'd need relief.
My heart may have been broken almost beyond repair, but I was still only nineteen, with all the hormones in place. Whenever I needed that relief, all I had to do was recall one of my sessions with either or both of my girls, and I got off quickly and copiously. Riekie made a crack just before she left me to my own devices about wanting to see his Precious Stuff again, but never expected to do so under these conditions. That remark made me think of the New Year's Day when she sat on my cock in the stable. I got rock hard very quickly, and almost filled the sample bottle in short order.
I returned the sample to her, and got my money. She stared at the sample longingly, shook her head and laughed.
"I'd almost forgotten how much you can produce. The clinic got its money's worth today."
I made three more trips to the clinic. Each time she made a remark that made me think of an incident with one of them, and I'd produce a large sample quickly. I would have made more trips, but on the fourth day, she said her placement was over that day. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back without her there. Thus ended my one and only experiment with a sperm bank.
Riekie, Carol and I got together a few more times after that. I was on my best behaviour, too. I didn't drink around them, and tried not to smoke. I took Riekie's concern seriously and was starting to clean up my act. Regardless of my defense, she had made me think, and if there was a hope, however faint of getting back with them, I had to be healthy, both physically and mentally. After all, she had said, "I'm not saving myself for a dead man."
It was getting close to Christmas break with exams. I'd blown off so many classes the exams were just a formality. I knew I wouldn't be back after Christmas. I saw the girls one more time before I went home at break. I told them both I loved them. Carol cringed. Riekie just said she knew. Neither one of them replied in kind. I told Riekie if she saw a letter from me, please read it, because it might contain important information. She said she was still reading the old ones because she realized there was more in them than just lover's drivel. I got a small kiss from both of them before I left.
That was the last time I saw them, until I saw Carol at Dolly's funeral. I wrote Riekie occasionally while she was still in school, but after a while that stopped too.