We took our leave of the aunts and Joanne and walked back to the motel, arms around each other as we used to. We didn't talk, just walked, her head on my shoulder. I missed Riekie; she should be on my other arm, making me feel like the king of the world.
The three rooms that Bob had reserved were in a row. We selected the middle one, for personal and public reasons -- the noise -- which turned out to be mine. When he reserved them, with typical Bob thoroughness, he had deliberately put me between Carol and her father. I stopped at the desk and made sure I had all three keys, and informed them Mr. Scott would not be using his room that night, but we would keep it for our privacy. I didn't want that old pervert coming back. Carol didn't see the rental car, so we assumed he was gone.
The phone was ringing when we entered the room. I picked it up and heard Diane on the other end. She was very excited and started talking all in a rush. I couldn't get a word in edgewise except to answer questions in the affirmative or negative.
"David? Is Carol with you?"
"Yes, but..."
"Good, I want to talk to her after. I tried to get you at the aunts' but you'd already left. Has she asked you to make a baby yet?"
"Yes, but..."
"Good. After she called today, I found her last letter..."
I did interrupt. "Letter? What letter?"
"Don't interrupt! Ask her, she'll tell you! Where was I? Oh yeah, between it and the phone call, I was getting pretty confused. Then Mom called from Montreal all excited! She spooked me right out! She said she had Seen something, something important and GOOD and wanted to know what was going on. The only thing I knew of was Carol's request — I'm still not sure why I said it was OK. I told her Carol wanted you to make a baby with her. I thought Mom'd be pissed at such a strange request, but she was ECSTATIC, and yelled it out to Dad and Val as if that was the greatest news in the world! David? They cheered!
"I told her I agreed to Carol's request, but I wasn't sure I liked the idea of sharing my husband with another woman, especially to make a baby, and she said. 'Don't be silly, Child. She's been sharing him with you for eight years, now she's just getting what is rightfully hers.' David, she said it with so much conviction, I believed her, but I don't understand it for a minute.
"Mom said what she'd Seen was something like that, but wasn't sure until I told her. She said you MUST do it, but Carol might have her timing off. Mom said you two must definitely try on Sunday, something about the moon and the Goddess and all that mumbo jumbo. I told her you were coming home Sunday, and she made me promise to call your work to book another day of annual leave. She was really being spooky, so I agreed. I did it, and now you don't have to be back to work until Tuesday. You're supposed to try as many times a possible to make this thing happen. Mom was very clear on that, and she made me promise to tell you. I should be mad, but somehow I'm not. Something told me it was the right thing to do. When I got off the phone with her, I felt completely wrung out, but I did like she asked, and called your work.
"Then something really, really spooky happened, that makes me wonder if we haven't all gone crazy. Rhiannon came home from Heather's where she was playing with Donny, and asked. 'Is Daddy making me and Jenny a baby brother with our other Mommy tonight?'
"I didn't know what to tell her, and wondered where she got that idea, and what was this about her 'other Mommy'? I didn't leave Carol's letter out for her to read, and she was at Heather's when I talked to Mom. I was really shaken up, as you can imagine! I asked her, 'What makes you ask, Honey?"
"Rhiannon said, 'I Saw it in a dream while I was playing with Donny. If he is, he shouldn't come home until Monday, because they have to do it right, the Goddess says so.' I didn't know what to make of that. I know Mom goes on about the Goddess, but now Rhiannon? And out of the blue? That child is only six and a half years old, but today her eyes looked positively ancient, like she knew things and could actually See things.
"Anyway, David that's the strange thing that's been happening here. What did Mom mean when she said Carol had been sharing you with me for eight years? That's how long we've been married."
I didn't know what to say — to tell her the whole story of the last twenty years in a few minutes over the phone wasn't a really viable option, especially when she was about to find out I hadn't told her everything about Carol, except that what we'd had, had been very, very special. And Diane knew about Riekie only as a special friend. This would be complicated. I tried to demur.
"It's a long story, Honey, too long for this, and I think I should be with you when I tell it, Mom and Dad, too, and Rhiannon, now, I guess. Can you wait until I get home? Will you trust me on this?"
"OK, I guess. It's funny... when I asked Mom what was going on here, she said the same thing: to trust you and wait until you got home for answers, but I'm scared, David that I'll lose you over this. Do you still love me?"
I had an epiphany, and the Power seemed to grow stronger. I hadn't had a real one in years and years, and I relished the sensation, realizing I had missed this. When I was with My Girls, I had them all the time, so much so I sometimes questioned my sanity. I realized a corollary to the 'Cosmic Moment' I'd had on Riekie's wedding day: It was possible to love not just two people at once, but three, and probably more, with equal intensity. An infinite soul has infinite capacity for love.
"Diane Marie Lloyd! I love you more than you can imagine! That is gold you can take to the bank. I'll tell you one grain of truth that you can hold and examine until I get home. It might make you uncomfortable and frightened until I see you, but you must know this: I love you with everything I have, no reserve, nothing held back. I also love Carol Anne Scott with everything I have, no reserve, and nothing held back..."
Somebody tapped me on the arm and shook her head. I went back to Diane.
"Hold on a sec, Carol Anne is telling me something." I put my hand over the mike.
Carol said. "Tell her my right name."
"Your right name? I thought I just did."
"No, my right name is Carol Anne Lloyd. I changed it legally years ago. When I was sure we wouldn't be able to get back together, I wanted something of you, so I took your name, and it helped ease the pain of what I thought that man did to me. By changing it, I wasn't reminded of him every time I had to say or write my name, but was reminded of the good we once had. At first, it reminded me of our pain, but the reason for changing it was to remember the good, and it really helped — therapeutic, I guess is the word."
I wasn't sure how Diane would take this, and wasn't sure of my own reaction.
'Oh."
I uncovered the mike and spoke to Diane.
"Diane? Sorry 'bout that. I was just informed that Carol Anne's name is NOT Carol Anne Scott, but Carol Anne Lloyd. Whatever her name is, I love her completely, as I do you, and have loved her for twenty years. Can you handle that?"
"David, that's a pretty tall order, but as long as you love ME that'll hafta do until you get home. That was another thing Mom said. She said, and I quote her because it sounded so strange when she said it, 'Be prepared for a monumental love that is shared several ways.' It sounded so mysterious, and somehow grand, but now maybe I understand her words a little better. I'm so confused right now I don't know what to think. I should get off here now, I imagine you two have a lot of catching up to do, and I still want to talk to Carol. Is there anything else you have to tell me?"
"A couple things. First, next time you're talking to Mom, and I'll bet it could be as early as again tonight, tell her she must start Rhiannon's training as soon as possible. Tell her she has the Sight, and it is powerful. That's really important. Mom will understand without a lot of explanation. You should also ask her to start yours, too. If you felt what we're doing is right, then you have it to some degree as well.
"Finally, if you're feeling lonely or scared by what's happening right now, take the girls to bed with you tonight and every night until I get home. There's nothing more soothing than the unconditional love of a child when you're hurting or scared, and Rhiannon's special sensitivity we call the Sight could be helpful. OK?"
"I thought I'd sleep with them tonight anyway. Thank you, David. Can I talk to Carol now?"
"Here she is."
Carol took the phone. I didn't listen in, so only heard her side.
"Hello? Diane?
"Yes, I'm sure.
"Yes I do, <A world of warmth in those words> for twenty years. When he tells you the whole story, you'll understand.
"Sunday? < Incredulous> Is that what Mom said?
"OK! Thanks for telling me! <Excited> I'll hafta rebook my flight!
"Oh, I wish I could! <regretfully> I'm dying to meet you, but I've taken too much time off work now, <giggle> 'specially with taking Monday now, too!
"No, I didn't tell him. I thought you were going to.
"Oh! I see! That's Ok. I'll tell him myself. <giggle> Something tells me that's the way it was supposed to be.
"A boy? <mouth open in surprise> How do you know that?
"She sounds like a very special child.
"Give my sister Heather a hug for me, too. <sigh, wistfully> It's been too long since I was home, but I don't know when I'll get there.
"OK. Give my love to Mom and Dad and Val.
"Ok, Diane Marie, and thank you from both Ben and me. Did you want to talk to David some more?... OK, here he is, and thanks again, By-eee!"
Carol handed me the phone and mouthed a kiss at me. Then she pantomimed she was going to get her bags from the other room.
"Hello? Diane?"
"David, she sounds so nice! I HAVE to meet her!"
"She's been through a lot. You two have a lot in common. I'd like nothing better than to get you together. I think you could help each other with your healing."
"You think? David, I'm beginning to put some things together, but I'll wait until you get home to hear your story. From just a few things Carol said, I know she knows more about your family than 'just' an old girl friend should. No, don't start explaining now. I'll be OK. I trust you, and strange as it may sound, I trust her. I just wanted to tell you I love you, David, before we hang up."
"I love you, Diane Marie, don't ever forget that."
"I love you, too David. Oh! I just love it when you call me Diane Marie! You've never done that before! And it sounded so sweet when Carol Anne used it too! I think I love her, too! Is that possible? So soon?"
"I'll explain the name thing as part of my whole story. Yes, it's not only possible I think in this case, it's probable, maybe even inevitable."
"Sounds even more mysterious. Gotta go! Jenny's starting to fuss. See you sometime Monday! I love you! And David? Make a baby! A brother for the girls! <giggle> Listen to me! A few minutes ago, I was questioning my decision to let you do it, now I'm cheering you on! What's come over me? Uh-oh! Jenny's really fussing now. Gotta go! Love you! Byee!"
"'Bye, Diane Marie. I love you, and we will."
We hung up together.
My mind was in a whirl! Something really strange was happening here! Not only had I felt the Power back in my life, it seemed to have taken things over completely, and was making psychic waves even Diane could sense! And Rhiannon! Mom had always suspected Diane was one of Hers, and now our daughter's ability almost proved it, for where else could it have come from?
I heard Carol's key in the door as she returned with her bags. She set them down and came to me for a kiss. We exchanged a warm tender kiss that almost wiped out twenty years of loneliness and pain. We still had a lot of ground to recover, but we were off to a good start, and Diane's almost unquestioning support was beyond price.
Carol's kiss was getting more demanding, and I felt my body responding. We broke from that wonderful kiss and stared into each others' eyes like we always used to.
Carol smiled and whispered. "I should change into something more comfortable."
I shook my head. "Not just yet, Sweetheart, we still have some things to talk about, and I want my wits about me. I have an idea what you mean by 'more comfortable', and I don't need that lovely distraction just yet. In a way, I guess I still have to talk to the Carol Anne who's been alienated for twenty years.
Carol looked uncertain and a little frightened, but I continued. These things had to be out in the open for all of us to heal.
"Carol Anne, I can't just pick up where we left off, much as I'd like to. I'd like nothing more than to turn back the clock to July 1, 1966 and turn my back on a certain bus, but that isn't possible. And while you've reminded me of a promise I made in all seriousness twenty years ago, I can't just turn that function on and off, either. I love you, and always have. I buried it for I don't know how many years, believing you lost to me forever. Today I got it back, but I also need to sort it all out, or at least start sorting it out. I had two missions this weekend: your mother's funeral, and to expose that man's perfidy. I never expected that exposing him would bring you back to me.
"So, I have questions. We have the entire weekend, and if need be, I'll take even more time off work to get through this."
"You make it sound so serious and you're scaring me that you won't make a baby with me."
"Never fear on that point, Love! It will definitely happen. Not only does Diane approve, her last words to me tonight were a direct order to make a brother for the girls. And Mom and Dad are, to use Diane's word, 'ecstatic'. I can't argue with those people. How does she know it'll be a boy?"
"Rhiannon told her."
'Oh, I'd forgotten that in the surprise of her call. Now, I have some questions for you. Diane mentioned she got a letter from you. I didn't see any letter, and I picked up the mail. The only thing in the mail today was a letter from her cousin."
Carol reached in her purse, brought out a business card and handed it to me.
"Does that name and address look familiar?"
It did. It was Diane's cousin's address, but the name was for a construction company in Calgary. A light started to go on. More lights going on! I began to feel if maybe the clock had been turned back!
"I'm her 'cousin'. I started writing Diane just when Mom started to get into her terminal stage. I didn't know her name then, but Bob did, and he told me you were back on the farm. That address is burned into my brain, so it was easy to get a letter to her. I wasn't sure how you'd react to me writing her, so I used Ben's name and the company address. I knew you wouldn't open her private mail."
"Ben's name?"
"Yes, when we were married. I kept my own name. I'd already changed it to 'Lloyd', and when he saw I was really proud of that name, he insisted I keep it. It made it a lot easier, too, for all my legal papers — driver's licence, Social Insurance card, and the like. I'd already been through all that once. It's quite a process, even for someone who works in a lawyer's office and knew the correct procedures to speed things up.
"Anyway, I started writing Diane because I had already decided to get you to keep your promise. Ben can't have children, and I want them so desperately, and I always wanted yours, so I decided to start 'checking out the ground' as you would say. Actually, it wasn't my idea, really. Ben suggested it."
"Ben suggested you have my baby?" I was staggered.
"Yes, he knows ALL about you. I've told him everything, even about the promise. He's going to be very happy when I tell him about you and Da--, uh, that man. If he'd been able, Ben would have been here today, and he'd have helped you throw him out the door. Ben has never met you, but he thinks very highly of you from what I've told him. He's always onto me how I could let a man like you get away. And he never liked my father. He called him a serpent."
Funny, I used that word today to describe what I saw in the old fart's eyes. I'd never met him either, but I was starting to like this Ben.
"But why would Ben suggest you have my baby? If you wanted a child so badly, couldn't you have gone to a fertility clinic?"
"You missed the point. I said I wanted a baby, and more importantly, I wanted your baby. I always have. Ben knows that. When we knew Mom was dying, we also knew she'd be buried back here, so there was my chance to get home to see you. Yes, I said 'home'. The West has never been my home, I'm from here, and this is 'home' to me. The only thing we needed to do was find some way of getting together with you, and Ben insisted that your wife must know and give her permission. He knew you wouldn't cheat on her, even with me."
"He's right about that. Go on." I sat back and let her ramble on. It was good for her, and actually helped me relax. After the scene this afternoon, and Diane's revelations, I was wound tighter than a nine-day clock.
"So I started writing Diane and told her a little about us. Not everything, just that we had had something very special, and once upon a time you had promised to give me a baby.
"Diane likes to write letters, as I'm sure you know, and she was curious, so we started a real pen pal correspondence. She knows more about me, especially my current life style, than I maybe should have told her, but she was so open with me, I owed her that.
"From her, I know so much about your present family, I practically feel like one of you. I know how old your kids are, their birthdays, how Rhiannon does in school, sometimes what they had for breakfast. I know Jenny's good with animals, and Heather has three boys and lives at your Uncle Doug's farm. I know Dad is retired now, and they built a new house in the pines I'm dying to see. I know about your job and how much you like it,
"I told Diane what a good person you really are and how special you could be in bed, and some of the things you used to like. Through my letters I was gradually working up to asking her permission to bed you to make a baby, just letting her know I was no threat to her. Ben helped me write them so I wouldn't come on too strong or insincere. He wants this baby as much as I do. And that's how it came to be that Diane and I are 'cousins'.
"Ben and I wracked our brains to figure out a way to get to see you, and had just about given up hope by the time Mom actually passed away. Then we ran into our own family crisis when none of my brothers could come East. Bob had the brainwave of using you as his proxy. It was the answer Ben and I had been looking for. We deliberately had Bob delay calling you to the last minute by seeming to hesitate with my agreement to the idea. We didn't want to seem too eager, and by calling you late, we thought you'd be more likely to accept. Bob never doubted, he said, 'a friend is a friend; he'll do it for me.'
"We wanted Diane's full agreement, so we wrote that last letter together. In it we both asked her to let you get me pregnant. Ben's words were even stronger than mine. The mail has been really fast lately, so we thought it would get there in time. We asked Diane for permission, but we also asked her to tell you the whole story about the letters and the special request we were making of her and you, regardless of her decision. I told her I would phone her today for her answer. But she didn't get it in time. I was surprised when I phoned her today that she hadn't, and even more surprised that she said yes without reading the letter first."
"I picked up the mail. Your letter was in. I put it on the kitchen table like I always do. She must have been too busy to read it right away. She often doesn't open her private mail until the kids are in bed. If it had come in yesterday like I think you wanted, then things would have been different. In a way, I'm glad it worked out this way; that would have given me too much to think about on the way here. As it was, I spent the whole four hour drive reliving the last twenty years, ALL of it."
"Now, Carol Anne Lloyd — God! I like the sound of that! — you and Ben decided to have a baby by me, and assuming I accepted, how were you, yourself going to go about it? Until today, you were mortified to be near me and wouldn't look me in the eye because you felt unclean. Yes, I've known this since that man abused you and made you believe his heinous lie. And you said today no man could touch you, not even Ben if he was able, so how did you figure on getting round that?"
"David, you were always and have always been the only one who could touch me. Ben and I thought I should be able to overcome my fear and loathing of a man's touch if it was you, and I've longed for that touch so long, I was sure I could do it. I never expected to make that searing eye contact with you that we did today, but when that happened, I KNEW I could do it. Right up until then, I wasn't sure if I could, and almost backed out. Did you have the same experience I did? It was like the first time we met, but stronger still. I don't know what I'm going to tell Ben, now."
"You'll tell him the truth. He deserves no less. Oh, Carol Anne! I saw stars again today! You don't know how good it made me feel to see something in your eyes besides pain, hurt, shame and despair! I had come here today promising I'd put some real emotion back in those eyes, even if it was just genuine anger directed at me! I've felt guilty for twenty years because I didn't tell you the truth about him once I discovered it. I never told you he lied to you because I was sure you wouldn't believe me. Only he could do that. Was I right? Would you have believed me?"
"No I don't think so, unless it happened like today, where you got so angry and he had to be there. You never got that chance until today. Don't beat yourself up over that David. You did what you had to do. So where do we go from here, David my love?"
'More questions first, Dear Heart. You said Ben knows everything? Define everything."
"I mean everything. Ben is more like a special friend to me than a husband. He found me when I was at one of my lowest points. That was when Bob told me you had just got married. Up until then, I still hoped we could find a way to make it work, but I was still too ashamed of myself to go to you. You don't know what it's like to feel such self-loathing. I was always afraid if I cheated on you once, I would do it again. I didn't lose trust in you ever again after I realized I was wrong about you at camp, but I did lose trust in ME."
She was starting to lose it, tears running down her cheeks. I moved to her and held her until she quieted.
"That's what I missed as much as anything, David -- having your arms around me when I was sad or hurt or lonely. Anyway, when I met Ben, it was like something told me HE would protect me until you and I could get together, even though you were married. Ben saw your ring and the next thing I knew, I told him the WHOLE story, everything. He knows we're married, not once, but three times. He knows about Riekie — everything, including what my father did to us and me. He couldn't believe I still spoke to that man. He was right, but you know, now I think about, some part of me knew all along he lied, and I kept contact waiting for the day he'd tell the truth."
"One last question. Why can't Ben have children?"
"Oh he could once. He had two wonderful boys with his first wife. She died some years ago, and he just couldn't bring himself to find another, he loved her almost as much as I love you. Shortly after she died, he developed testicular cancer. It advanced quickly, and the only treatment at the time was total castration. He can't even get an erection, let alone make babies. He's always on medication because they think it could come back. Living with Ben is often like living with my brother or my best friend. We love each other, but it's not a romantic love. If I told him today I was going back with you, he'd help me pack my bags and drive me to the airport, happy for me. I can't do that to him, though. He wants this baby, and we'll raise it for whatever little time he has left. Yes! Just before I left, the doctor said it didn't look good, that the cancer was back. It's growing slowly, and they give him a couple years.
"Can I ask you some questions now, David?"
'Sure."
"Just as I was going to get my bag I heard you tell Diane something. You said 'She's been through a lot. You two have a lot in common. I'd like nothing better than to get you together. I think you could help each other with your healing.' What did you mean by that?"
"Diane had a similar experience to you. She didn't lose the love of her life from it, although she could have if the truth hadn't come out. I was getting pretty frustrated at our love life. Nothing seemed to make her like sex, oh, she got a little better when she got pregnant with Rhiannon, but often even then she just went through the motions. Anyway, after her step father died, her sister came forward with the story, and it explained a lot, and made me feel like a fool for not recognizing the signs. But unlike you, Diane had suppressed everything and had little or no memories. She's in therapy now, and is making excellent progress."
"David, you're talking in riddles. What happened?"
I told her the whole story about Judy and Diane and Pete their step father abusing them and how Diane was getting much better and now enjoyed sex. I told her how angry I was, but couldn't get the son-of-a-bitch because he was already dead and how that was one of the things that made me go after her father. If I couldn't help Diane, at least I could help free her.
"Oh dear! That poor girl! It must have been awful! I thought my mind had shut out the awful memory too, until I found out there was no memory to shut out."
"Yes, but you still need healing. You don't carry something like that around for twenty years and have all the pain go away at once, although so far you're amazing me."
"I understand what you're saying. I don't know if I need therapy like Diane did, but I will certainly need some support. Thank the Goddess you're back in my life where I can at least call you now, and Ben is so good, he'll be a big help. And Riekie will help now, and Joanne. But I guess I should really make up with Riekie first, eh?"
"You never made up with her?"
"Not completely. I kept a wall up because of him. I have another question. You made a very big point with him today about the RMC thing. How did you find out it was him that ruined your chances?"
"Remember the girl I helped, Patty?"
"Yes, what about her?" Carol was still cool on that subject, I could tell. She might believe that I didn't do anything with Patty, but she was suspicious of the person herself.
"Well, Patty and Roy, the boy I helped her get back with, got married. Roy and I have remained friends. They've become good friends with Diane, too, and Patty never lets us forget they wouldn't be together if I hadn't helped. You should actually meet her; you'd like her. I even went to their wedding just before I started college. They have always said they were going to repay me for helping, but couldn't find a way.
"Roy joined the army the way I wanted to, and has done very well. Just this past July, Roy called me and said 'Sergeant Major, it's payback time!' and then proceeded to tell me what he'd found."
I went on at some length explaining how her father had had my records altered to guarantee I would be rejected, and how that was the last straw and I vowed I would destroy him. I told her he stood a good chance of going to jail over it. Carol then asked me about his other rape victim.
"That one, I can't tell you, unless I check with the victim and get her permission. I just found that out recently, too. I think she'll want you to know, but it would be violating her trust to say anymore just yet, OK?"
"I understand, now are we going to bed, or what? It's getting late, and we have a busy day ahead. Whether we try to make a baby or not tonight, we still need sleep."
"Let's go to bed."
"I'll change into something more comfy"
"Can't I help?"
"Not this time, Big Boy! It's a treat!"