Celestial Reviews 338 – August 29, 1999
Note: An attorney married a woman who had previously been married seven times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the wedding suite at their hotel and
the bride said to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle. I'm still a
virgin." This puzzled the husband, since he thought that after seven marriages
at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new
bride to explain.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be, but never
delivered.
"My second husband was from Software Services. He was never quite sure how it
was supposed to function. He spent all his time reviewing the documentation.
"My third husband was from Educational Services. You know the old saying,
'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'
"My fourth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process, but needed time to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the
art method.
"My fifth husband was a Marketing Manager. He had a good product. He just
wasn't sure how to position it.
"My sixth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about
it.
"My seventh husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was...
well... God I miss him!"
She finally smiled and turned to her new husband and said, "So now I've married
a lawyer! I just know I'm going to get screwed!"
Second note: A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not
help the clients.
The Browns came to see the doctor. After giving them thorough physical exams,
psychological exams, and various tests, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say
that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the
grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your
clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a
bull's-eye in your wife's love canal. Then, on hands and knees, you must crawl
to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
"Then, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and, from across the room, toss them
at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then, like a
lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went and did as they were instructed, and their sex life became more
and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and explained that he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. Then he conducted the
same physical exams and the same battery of tests he had conducted on the
Browns.
After this was done, he reviewed the results and told the Greens the bad news.
"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is
as good as it will ever be."
The Greens pleaded with him. "You helped our friends the Browns. Now please,
please help us." "Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the
office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
Cheerios...."
Third note: Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective
dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and
conversation.
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back
and relax. This won't hurt a bit."
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had
made him do it over and over until he got it right.
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she
had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe
normally."
Fourth note: The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding the trail all day. When
they stop for a rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens
atteentively.
"Buffalo come!" remarks Tonto.
"How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger.
"Side of face sticky!" Tonto replies.
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"Five Hours" by John A (romantic tryst) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510615598
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510615604
"Life Cycle of the Kaelen" by Artie (sci fi interplanetary cultural
anthropology) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514931925
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514937748
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514937766
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514937785
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514937805
"Quiet, Mild-Mannered" by Bronwen (romantic tryst) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515451782
"First Creampie" by Creampie Eater (oral sex) 10, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515449621
"Mr. Bowman’s House" by Gapmaster (sex with kid) 9, 5, 4
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514924568
"A Therepeutic Massage" by Mike Adamson (sexy massage) 9, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514130850
"Makin Pagans" by Homer Vargas (Greek sex) 9.5, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515144752
"Survivor's Guilt" by Rob Morton (sex on deserted island) 9.5, 7, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515318326
"Black Magic Muses" by Shon Richards (humorous demonic orgy) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516962243
"The Compromise" by Kathy B. (prudish woman loosens up) 10, 5, 3
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516454486
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516454491
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516454501
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Mary's Fulfillment" by The Midnight Lurker (slutty sex) Myers:
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510767049
"Public Service Announcement" by Generic Joe (oral sex) Homer: 9, 9, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515985596
"The Cure" by Spiller (loosening up the wife) BillyG: 8, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512751108
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512753594
"The Case Is Licked" by Jimmy Hat (detective sex) Tiramisu: 7, 9, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504391975
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504391978
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504391981
"The Lottery" by Roger (sex harem) Einstein:
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=423875345
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=423877134
"Macy's Summer" by Dark Thinker (sex slavery and rape) Myers:
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504856166
"The Bet" by Heatheranne (Exploding a Cliche) Fiddler: 5, 10, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707817
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707817
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707825
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707832
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707837
"Pictures of Hayley" by Emerson Laken-Palmer (coerced kiddysex) DocRock: 10, 6,
2
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511726942
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511724664
"Tender Touch" by Patrick Donovan (ff romance) BillyG: 10, 10, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511322374
"Sunburned Sister" by Typoman (teenage incest) Mary: 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512469253
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "The Truth of Well-Known Sayings" by Bronwen (romance)
10, 10, 10
* "The Offering" by Bronwen (exhibitionism & mercy fuck)
9.5, 10, 10
* "Barley Legal Teens" by Bronwen (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
* "Kim Nice-but-Dim" by Bronwen (humorous sexual
awakening) 10, 10, 10
* "Vamps" by Michael K. Smith (romance)
10, 9, 9
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"Five Hours" by John A (john3365a@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510615598
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510615604
The man is on a trip to Orlando to take the wife and kids to Disney World.
Taking a day off from family things to play golf, he finds himself paired with
an extremely attractive partner. He is a happily married man, but not averse to
spending a few hours in the company of a pretty woman. Pretty soon he has to
remind himself that he is a married man and she a married woman. Still, there's
no harm looking at the menu, even if you're on a diet, is there?
Sarah beats him at golf, and over lunch they discover that neither is perfectly
happy with their spouse. She invites him to her room. She "has never done
anything like this before." Her husband is the only man she has ever slept
with. She is just so attracted to our narrator that she doesn't know what she
is doing. Yadda, yadda, yadda…. Philosophical speculation and rationalization…
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Eventually they get ready to fuck and discover that nobody has protection. He
feels like an ass. Actually, he feels like getting some ass. That is, they do
it anally and then orally, and a good time is had by all.
Ratings for "Five Hours"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Life Cycle of the Kaelen" by Artie (artie@netgate.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514931925
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514937748
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514937766
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514937785
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514937805
This is a long story – over 46,000 words. If you're looking for a high rate of
titillation per 1000 words, this story may not be your best bet. However, if
you are interested in a complex, detailed science fiction story with some good
sex thrown in, this may be the story for you.
This story is written as a dry scientific report submitted by interplanetary
explorers. Dale and Ellen are husband and wife, a planetary ecologist and a
cultural anthropologist, who have traveled to a distant planet to study the
culture there as participant observers.
They discover a matriarchal society where lovemaking is glorious. The word
"delirium" is used a lot. It is a Utopian world, where large insects interact
with the natives to provide sexual pleasure as well as to control other
emotions and cognitive functions.
The sex occurs in the person-to-person mode: the people don't fuck the bugs.
This process is managed through a sort of pheromone-based classical
conditioning that would make Pavlov role over on his metronome. At a certain
point we begin to wonder who's controlling whom.
Having sex is with the kaelen is kind of like driving a really great car with
stick shift. First the kaelen move the participants into a comfort zone, then
they shift to passion, and then to whatever seems like a good idea at the
moment, before eventually easing them into a restful sleep. The amount of power
and control the kaelen exercise is both considerable and interesting. Then
there is also a swarm of moths with hallucinogenic aphrodisial powers.
Our researchers immerse themselves in the culture, and a good time is had by
all.
The story is not merely unbridled hedonism; it also strives to emulate a
serious anthropological study. This is an interesting format, but it also has
the undesirable effect of sometimes slowing the action down a little too much.
In addition, although the story reveals wondrous things, it sometimes doesn't
build the reader's anticipation of these revelations as effectively as it
could.
Overall, this is a good story – if you have some time to spend on it and if you
want a little more than continuously arousing descriptions of sex.
Ratings for "Life Cycle of the Kaelen"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Quiet, Mild-Mannered" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515451782
Mom and Dad are out cruising for a place to have sex, while the older kids stay
home and take care of the younger children. This is necessary because they are
living in a thin-walled trailer, and they really don't want to disrupt the
family tranquility by playing ride-'em-cowboy with the kids within earshot. My
husband and I once pulled a similar stunt in New Orleans: go out and get laid
(by each other) while the kids stay in the hotel room.
As the author puts it, Tonight they're looking for some piece'n'quiet. And that
*isn't* a spelling mistake.
They encounter minor problems. For example, the Place of Choice is occupied by
friends of their children with equally sexual but less marital intentions.
This is not a long story, but it's quite enjoyable.
As I was reading this story, I came to the end in the middle. Actually, it was
just a copyright notice; but I was dismayed. I uttered an obscenity, and my
husband clicked on the scrollbar. All is right in my world. God's in his
heaven, and Bronwen's husband is negotiating her forested chasm on a bale of
hay under a million stars in Cornwall.
I like stories about passionate married love. As the title suggests, Bronwen
perceives herself as a quiet, mild mannered person much like Clark Kent; but
she becomes a knight in shining underpants when she gets a chance with her
husband. Only she isn't wearing any underpants this evening.
Ratings for "Quiet, Mild-Mannered"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"First Creampie" by Creampie Eater (creampie_eater@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515449621
A creampie is a snack derived from the female pussy, consisting of the female's
natural juices blended nicely with the male component, which has just recently
been inserted during orgasm.
The narrator of this story has always wanted a creampie, but after contributing
his part he has always been too sleepy to eat dessert. So he instructs his wife
to force him to eat. She does, and he does.
Ratings for "First Creampie
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Mr. Bowman's House" by Gapmaster (news@thenews.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514924568
Lacy is a bored 12-year-old. She gets invited into Mr. Bowman's house. They
watch a dirty movie on TV, and then he screws her. She promises to keep his
little secret.
This story is an advertisement for more stories of the same sort.
Ratings for "Mr. Bowman's House"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"A Therepeutic Massage" by Mike Adamson (mikey@labyrinth.net.au)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514130850
The guy originally needed massage therapy for a cycling injury, but he has
noticed a different sort of tension from his therapist. So on this visit he
decides to give HER the message, and he follows it up with a good cleaning of
her plumbing.
This is this author's first story. The sex is hot, but he uses the first person
approach. A lot of new authors do this, because they don't realize how
distracting this can be to their readers. What they are doing is picturing a
specific person and writing the story for that person – who is sometimes real
and sometimes imaginary. What they don't realize is that this requires a second
identification by their readers, and this is often an unnecessary distraction.
Writing from a non-you perspective – that is, either I and he/she or he and she
– usually forces the author to write a better story by taking the audience into
consideration and by including more details. It IS possible to write a
you-perspective story, but it's much more difficult than most beginners think.
Finally, the author should include more details about the people's
personalities. I am not suggesting a personality profile – just more actions
and conversations that tell us earlier on what the two people are like.
But overall, this story is a good start. Maybe other readers will also give him
some suggestions. Most beginners are happy to get 6's and 9's in their early
work <wink>.
Ratings for "A Therepeutic Massage"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Makin Pagans" by Homer Vargas (vargas111@yahoo.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515144752
Zeus is running short on worshippers, and he becomes convinced that the easiest
way to solve this problem is to have his current worshippers have more babies.
The easiest way to do this is to get the Amazons on Paradise Island engaged in
procreation. And so the gods get together with the Amazons, who get together
with the modern superheroes from the comic books. It's a farce – a very
enjoyable farce.
The humor is sophomoric. I say that in the nicest sense of the word. Back when
I was a sophomore in college, I wrote a satirical essay on the Iliad and the
Odyssey, in which I referred to "the chased Penelope" (instead of "the chaste
Penelope," which was Homer's epithet for her, back when epithets were not
something to be deleted). This was something college kids used to do back
before they had access to the Internet. Nowadays, my modern sophomoric
counterparts write stories like this one for alt.sex.stories. If you are at
least vaguely familiar with Greek mythology and modern comic book heroes,
you'll enjoy these humorous sexual adventures.
Typographical errors present a minor distraction. These errors reflect the
shortcomings of the author's spellcheck: "that" for "than," "nearly" for
"nearby," etc.
By the way, if you ever go on Jeopardy!, be sure to know what the Caduceus is.
This comes up about twice a year on that show. And the River Stix has a y for
its vowel, thus accounting for the adjective "stygian."
On a related note, if you're a former Catholic elementary schoolgirl (or have
ever had sexual fantasies about one), the term "pagan babies" may have a
special meaning for you. Back in the old days, the nuns used to urge us to
raise money so that we could "buy a pagan baby." Each year we would raise about
$25.00 and send it to a mission society, along with the name we wanted to give
the baby. These children lived in Africa or India; and for the designated price
a kindly missionary apparently baptized the child and saw to it that he/she
received a proper religious upbringing. The term "pagan" was ill defined: I
suspect few of the kids were actually infidels. They were probably just hungry
kids who could use a few meals, and the Christian education they received
probably never did them any harm – until puberty, at least. The fact that these
kids might rather be Hindu, Buddhist, or Presbyterian never even entered our
minds. I suspect that some of these pagan babies have now grown to adulthood,
and may be reading Celestial Reviews on the Internet. I would like to take this
opportunity to apologize to the six girls named "Mary" whose lives I may have
helped disrupt. If any of you want to go back to being pagans, it's OK with me.
And you can keep the $25.00.
Ratings for "Makin Pagans"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Survivor's Guilt" by Rob Morton (rkhaan@ix.netcom.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515318326
The story begins with a vivid description of a plane crashing. Cool! Mom dies
in the crash, but Dad and the 18-year-old Daughter make it to a deserted
island. Like Gilligan and the gang, they have a radio that will listen but not
transmit. Unlike Gilligan, Don has active hormones and is almost immediately
aroused by Chris's obvious enticements. After jerking off in the woods, he
finds himself alone with his daughter in the tent, where they have to remove
their storm-soaked clothes before they catch a cold or something. In short,
they copulate. Fade to blank screen and commercial….
After the fireworks, Don feels guilty. But then for the next several weeks
they fuck each other's brains out and exchange sex stories while they get to
know each other better. Eventually, they get rescued and live happily ever
after with Chris's lesbian lover. But that's another story.
The story raises some interesting questions. For example, is it possible to
sprain your tongue during oral sex? Is it the size of the boat or the motion of
the ocean that counts most? And how does Dad explain the pregnant daughter to
the people who rescue them?
I happen to know that it is NOT necessary for men stranded on remote islands to
have sex with the women who are with them. When I was in elementary school, the
nuns told me about St. Jerome, who lived in the desert surrounded by nothing
but female virgins. He just offered this up in atonement for his sins. But as
the author says, that's a different story. A VERY different story.
This is a good story. I think it falls short of its ultimate goals, but that's
because those goals were very high. By this I mean that the real-life physical
and emotional difficulties faced by a father and daughter under these
circumstances would be extremely complex, and the author doesn't really do
justice to this complexity. But as a simple story about "justifiable incest"
with lots of sex scenes, this story serves very nicely.
Ratings for "Survivor's Guilt"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Black Magic Muses" by Shon Richards (lordshon@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516962243
Desperate to win the Golden Clitorides Award, the narrator has summoned up
three erotic demons to assist him. To seal the deal, he has to have sex with
these three beautiful Muses.
The sex is imaginative, vivid, and hot. You would think the author might be
writing a stroke story rather than the literary masterpiece that would be
necessary to compete for the Golden Clitorides Award.
The story was both very sexy and very funny. I was going to dock the author a
half point for screwing up his tenses and maybe a point for unexplained
paradoxes in the plot. But then it occurred to me that it's best not to fuck
around with people who have been fucking with Erotic Demons.
You'll enjoy this story most if you have at least a passing familiarity with
the alt.sex.stories newsgroup. Other than that, you're on your own.
Ratings for "Black Magic Muses"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Compromise" by Kathy B. (kathybxx@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516454486
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516454491
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516454501
I think I've been had on this one. I downloaded "all three parts," but there
really must be more to come. Either the author has a terrible sense of plot, or
she failed to label the story correctly. Since this was posted as an apparent
complete thee-part story, I am going to review it in that context.
The premise is a good one: the husband wants the wife to loosen up, to be less
prudish. He tells her this and then leaves on a trip. She fights the idea at
first and then convinces herself to give it a shot. The she gets caught in some
slut-like, "compromising" behaviors before he gets back in town. Then the story
ends abruptly.
As I said, there may be more. There HAS to be. Nobody can write this well in
small segments and this badly in the long run. I suspect the author's "sin" is
failing to label the stories correctly. But that really IS a serious problem.
As the story stands, there are certainly many stories on this newsgroup that
are a lot better. If there's more to come, I encourage you to wait and be sore
the whole thing is posted. Otherwise, you'll waste your time like I did.
Ratings for "The Compromise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Mary's Fulfillment" by The Midnight Lurker (tmidlurker@aol.com), Guest review
by Dave Myers.
http://x25.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510767049
http://x25.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510767053
This is a bang-bang, no apologies kind of story. That can be a good kind of
story if the author knows how to subvert it. Not this time, unfortunately.
The basic plot is that of a slut that likes to get it from two or more guys at
once, and the author basically practices putting her in a number of positions
while our guys have fun. She's enjoying, of course, which is perfectly
acceptable and normal in the bounds of the author-reader contract, but it
becomes less believable when the girl has so little dialogue, and we get the
foregone conclusion that those that are sluts, will just be sluts, and nothing
more. Mary is such a cardboard cutout, I don't know if I'm excited anymore,
before long. These guys are basically interested in getting their own, and Mary
gets her fill (multiples is her kink after all), but I can hardly see how the
story is Mary's fulfillment. That part is somehow kinda incidental.
The story needs to read less like a bedtime story gone haywire and more like a
wicked parade of forbidden pleasures. Ok, well, that's just a suggestion. But,
I felt there was little suspense, and little held back to really save up for
the big blast, if you know what I mean, and any attempt at inserting intrigue
(even mock intrigue) would have worked, IMHO. For instance, have Mary take some
control here and there... or if that doesn't sound fun, have Mary get so used
sexually that we won't be able to take the silly "bedtime story" patter
seriously at all. In the current version, things fall in such clean lines that
I got bored.
"Public Service Announcement" by Generic Joe (genericjoe@vnet.net). Guest
review by Homer Vargas
http://x46.deja.com/[ST_rn=md]/getdoc.xp?AN=515985596&CONTEXT=935441923.46
4388146&hitnum=3
This is a short, sweet <g> story based on the unbelievable premise that Ron's
sexy girlfriend Sylvia has to add a "sweetener" <g> to the deal for him to go
down on her. Maybe this is needed for youngsters, but when you get to be
Homer's age, shenanigans like this are otiose and not good for you cholesterol
level, anyway. At the very least, the author should have specified non-dairy.
Humph! And this is supposed to be a public service announcement?
If you are confused by my beating around the bush, good. I'm not supposed to
give too much away, just enough to make you want to devour this little tart.
[Back off, Ron; I'm speaking metaphorically about the story, not insulting your
girlfriend who has plenty of character. If she doesn't believe it, tell her to
check the "Venus" score. OK?]
Ratings for "Public Service Announcement"
Athena: 9
Venus: 9
Homer: 8
"The Cure" by Spiller (xxspillerxx@my-dejanews.com). Guest review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512751108
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512753594
Manners are the behaviors we adopt that we might be acceptable to other people.
There are, of course, all levels of social behavior we elect to assume in our
daily lives. In a similar fashion, the rules we follow in writing serve the
same end. There are national differences - English and American rules of
grammar - as we have here - are examples that are familiar. Still, for all of
that, there are writing styles that appear to be attempts at being distinctive
or individualistic. They're not unlike my son's style of dress that includes
wearing very baggy pants, the waist of which appear to be perched on his penis
while the crotch hangs somewhere around his knees. I suppose that's
distinctive, but by my lights, not particularly attractive. So too, the
writing style of this story is unattractively distinctive.
For example, lines that are not word wrapped at 70 or 72 characters when
initially inserted into the Usenet system, will eventually be wrapped, like it
or not. The unattractive part of aftermarket wrapping is the annoying
long-line, short-line formatting. At first, I wondered if the text got
bollixed in its transition through Celeste's hands, but on checking the
original as posted in DejaNews, that wasn't the case. However, the global
replacement of apostrophes in the story did appear to be an error of
transmission and not of the author. I'm assuming that the original text was not
filtered through some infernal machine that rendered beautiful grammar to a
style substantively different.
The substitution of the dash for quotation marks at the beginning of quoted
text was another objectionable shortcut. The ends of quoted text were not
marked by anything.
Save for the malwrapped text, a search-and-replace edit corrects most of the
formatting problems, and one which I'm willing to do for purposes of reviewing
the story, but I suspect that a poorly formatted story will be too off-putting
for many to bear.
At this juncture, having surmounted the formatting concerns, I found the story
to be both imaginative and hot. It's the fanciful story of an apparently
frigid wife and her lusty husband's attempts to bring about a "cure." A series
of appointments with a physician-hypnotist bring about a dramatic change is the
wife's behavior resulting in rapidly escalating chain of conjugal adventures.
Spiller brings a welcome balance of pace and timing to uncovering the wife's
considerable libido. The sex is hot and each episode ventures into new
territory. Finally, to add a dash of concluding spice to the story, there's a
cute, surprise ending.
Ratings for "The Cure"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Case Is Licked" by Jimmy Hat (jimmy@jimmy-hat.com). Guest review by
Tiramisu.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504391975
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504391978
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504391981
The story opens with Charlene and Rebecca observing the Sabbath in their own
unique way: doing lap 69 as Nascar (well, in the story it's SCARA) plays on
the TV in the background.
Charlene's husband is none other than leading SCARA driver, Wally Orbach. It
develops that Rebecca isn't Charlene's only playmate, and that someone has
captured the fun and games on film, and is blackmailing SCARA. Or maybe
Orbach. Or maybe Orbach is doing the blackmailing. Well, someone is
blackmailing someone.
Enter the FBI, and before long the case is, as it were, licked.
A cute, fun story. But there were a few problems.
The sex was more humorous than arousing. Images such as this were simply not a
turn on:
The tan lines reminded Charlene of the swimsuits Ginny owned, and of her cheap
plastic lounge chair with ratcheting hinges that changed positions.
And, the author could have been much clearer in his writing.
For example, Agent Stanton is suddenly referred to as Heather. At this point,
the reader doesn't know who Heather is. On the third or fourth reading I did
notice that Agent Stanton was referred to as "she" and "her" before being
introduced as Heather, but simply introducing her as Agent Heather Stanton at
the beginning would have been much clearer.
Not a bad story: a fun plot, some FF sex, but not one of my favorites, either.
Ratings for "The Case Is Licked"
>>Athena (technical quality): 7
>>Venus (plot & character): 9
>>Tiramisu (appeal to this reviewer): 6
"The Lottery" by Roger. Reviewed by Einstein X. Mystery.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=423875345
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=423877134
Paul Reiner hits the big one. He wins the $115 million powerball, all by
himself. He promptly becomes a rich playboy, and just as promptly gets bored
out of his mind. He gets depressed, and lonely. Then, in a sudden flash, he
decides to start collecting sex slaves. (A harem, belike.)
I found this a marvelously good story. Two caveats, though. The first is that
it is extremely long, for the genre. (320 pages.) And the second is that, while
erotic and sexy, there isn't enough explicit material at a stretch to qualify
as a good stroke story.
And yet, I find that here, this is a good thing. In leaving out the gratuitous
sex, the author concentrates on things such as character development, plot, and
such sundry items.
On the down side, the author seems to think that you spell 'suprised' as
"suprized" (repeatedly). See how I obsess about it. Also, the interview process
gets a little tedious, as he seems to say the same thing to each girl.
In sum, this is a great novel and one I whole-heartedly recommend. (Does
anyone know a good way to print this? Or get it printed? I'd like a copy, bound
as a trade paperback. A 3 ring binder doesn't make for easy reading.)
Sex: 81 - Stroke: 65
Romance: 80
Erotic Nature: 100
Plot: 93 - Character Development: 95
Holes: 100
Loose Ends: 85
Author: 100 - My Review: 100
My Friends: 100
(the other side of the aisle)
"Macy's Summer" by Dark Thinker (jaston@home.com). Guest review by Dave Myers
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504856166
I think it must be easier to write a slavery/rape fantasy story with a first
person female narrative than it is to write from the perspective of the
master/rapist. After all, we can sympathize with the character a lot more
easily if we know that the narrator "wanted it", or at least if she somehow
participates. But in a story about a girl who is being tortured, forced into
sex, and blackmailed by a group of neighborhood boys, the author has to work
double hard to give us some kind of sympathy for the narrator when that
narrator is one of the conspirators.
There are moments where the author purposefully achieves some real poignancy in
this story. However, he has mostly strived toward leaving us with indignation
until at least halfway through. It's an unusual tone for the subject matter. As
if he couldn't decide exactly how he felt about the fantasy itself. Some
readers may feel chilled by it, others will be hot for it. It's a fine line.
Finally, the animalistic side wins out, and Macy is humiliated to the point of
having no control over her life at all. The enslavement process is described in
great detail, though it begins to border on repetitive near the very end of the
"summer", once the games have gone on for quite a while. This hardly matters,
given the intensity of the "training". The trail-out leaves the door open for a
sequel, which would be welcome.
"The Bet" by Heatheranne (hthranne@aol.com) reviewed by Fiddler.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707817
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707825
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707832
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514707837
This is a story of mixed value. The plotting is a delight, some of the
expression of the ideas is not. If we're lucky, Heatheranne will run her next
story by a good proofreader like Mike Ink. The combination would fly.
The setup, the development, and the writing of this story almost seem to come
from three different people.
The setup: Robert and Beth are children of a quite successful scientist,
Frederick. Vicky is the housekeeper and Frederick's mistress. Robert has a
crush on Erika who goes with Mason; Beth has a crush on Mason. Robert bets
Erika that Mason will date another girl before the prom--in which case, Erika
has to go to the prom with Robert. Robert turns Beth from a frump into a
sexpot with the help of a little magic breast-grower from Dad's laboratory.
Vicky's expert advice on seductive clothes and a borrowed sports car help too.
The development: Having piled a few cliches into the setup, Heatheranne then
lets the story develop in an almost completely realistic way. I'd ruin the
story by giving the details; read it and enjoy yourself. (I will say, however,
that the realism led to some not-particularly-hot sex scenes.)
The expression: This, unfortunately, is much less delightful. Some of it is
simply wrong: "ridged" for "rigid," "starring" for "staring." Some of it is
almost-right: "Run along and do some more shopping darling, I'll take care of
her." Try: "Run along and do some more shopping, darling; I'll take care of
her." There are frequent paragraphs which are perfectly correct grammatically
but clumsily expressed.
Heatheranne got the hard part right, but the easy part is also important. I
hope she plots her next story as well as she did this one--and then works on
the expression with more care.
Ratings for "The Bet":
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 9
"Pictures of Hayley" by Emerson-Laken. Guest review by DocRock99
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511726942
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511724664
Emerson-Laken Palmer (who despite my aversion to the band that supplied its
name to the writer ;-) ) has written some terrific stories ("Pussy Show",
"Tempest" and "Libido" for example). This one didn't exactly wind my clock,
however.
The first-person narrator is supposed to look after his thirteen-year-old
niece, Hayley. In the beginning of the story, he reveals that he had started to
have oral sex only with his thirteen-year-old sister when he was sixteen. When
he joined the Navy, she let him fuck her, which was his most thrilling sexual
experience ever. Now he enters the house and finds his niece furiously
masturbating on her brothers' bunk bed bedpost.
Now here comes the part of the story that turned me off. The narrator has a
digital camera and he takes a picture of her masturbating, WITH EVERY INTENT OF
BLACKMAILING HER AND/OR POSTING HER UNDERAGE BODY TO THE INTERNET. She is, of
course, aware of the flash, and freaks out.
He tries to reassure her, and then demands that she strip and allow him to
photograph her breasts and pussy. He threatens to show the pictures to her
mother (perhaps an empty threat, but she doesn't know that), and also tells her
that he intends to post the pictures on a newsgroup, and SHE ASSENTS!
Tearfully, she allows him to see her pussy. He, of course, starts eating her
and she, of course, comes.
By now (by my judgment), the house has left Planet Earth, and she reciprocates
by giving him a skilled blowjob and tells him how hot she's always been for
him. He, of course, wants her to "save" her pussy for him to fuck, "if she
wants to," when she's oh, say seventeen.
This was a very well-written story, as is usual from this author. However, the
domination of a minor under the age of informed consent depicted in this story
was just repellent to me. I have read similar stories, more consensual, which
were far more exciting. (By the way, folks, the word is "consensual," NOT
"consentual!")
Ratings for "Pictures of Hayley"
Robert Fripp (Technical quailty): 10
Madonna: (plot & character): 6
DocRock99 (Appeal to reviewer): 2
"Tender Touch" by Patrick Donovan (). Guest review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511322374
There are very few writers that employ the second person, present tense
successfully. This story does not complete that task successfully. Reading the
"Tender Touch" becomes even more difficult, for the second person format in
this story does not appear to be about the person spoken to. Rather, it has an
off-putting device that reads like the speaker (first person) is telling the
story, but using the second person format. For example, Donovan writes, "The
two of you meet again a couple of days later and have lunch." This is in
contrast to a sentence that might have read, "We met again a couple of days
later and had lunch."
More often, this type of fractured style is the signature of an inexperienced
writer who is thinking in the present tense and speaking to one other person.
This is certainly not the case in this story, for it's simply too well done,
too polished for it to be anything but intended just as it is. Too bad. It
never really settles in to being comfortable.
And that's unfortunate, for there's an excellent story hiding in there, a story
of two women - one American and one Irish - who've had bad luck with men.
They're drawn to each other and with no known lesbian history, they come
together with an undeniable tender force. It's a story I'd not have finished
had I not been reading it for review. Having completed the task, I'm glad I
did. The compelling aspects of the story gained strength for me with temporal
distance from the awkward mechanics.
Ratings for "Tender Touch"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 8 (the mechanics were too
off-putting)
"Sunburned Sister" by Typoman (Wrenchman@earthlink.net). Guest Review by Mary
Jorsay Gandmar (maryjg@finebody.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512469253
This one's really a beauty. It's got everything - it's funny, it's extremely
well written, the sex is terrific, and it has a vivid slice-of- life feel to
it.
The sister has sunburn; the brother, who evidently favors the hands-on
approach, suggests aloe and offers his services. The sister demurs, and they
have a bet. If he can make it through her locked door (a snap for this man with
Renaissance hands), he gets to see her naked; if not - well, the alternative
isn't that bad, either. He gets to the door - and we have a delightful
flashback of a previous incident, lots of steamy sex, extremely erotic. It's
proofread, too (major relief) - I only saw one small, forgettable typo and two
insignificant jumbling of past/present tenses, but then I was looking for
something like that. Nothing I'd even suggest changing, seriously.
The remarkable feature of this story is its credibility. The teenagers talk and
act like teenagers, not like adults pretending to be teenagers. There is a
spontaneity and a freshness to the writing, high spirits and lots of cheerful
good humor. For all that it's an incest story, there's a real warmth and
affection in the story. Actually, in many ways, it's not so much an incest
story as a coming-of-age tale; there's nothing crude about the siblings' sexual
explorations. And there's enough sex for those who only want that. Best of all,
it's that one thing so few
stories are: a lot of fun.
Ratings for "Sunburned Sister"
Athena (Techical Quality) : 10
Venus (Plot & Character) : 10
Mary (Appeal to reviewer) : 10
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "The Truth of Well-Known Sayings" by Bronwen
(bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515030241
At first glance this story seems somber: the husband has just found out that
his brother is dying in middle age. The wife comforts the husband and verifies
the truth of the adage, "A good fuck is the best response to bad news." I
don't know who first said that - I doubt that it's in the Bible or in Ben
Franklin; but I've often found it to be true, especially if the good fuck is
with someone you really love.
I doubt that this story will lead you to a mind-blowing orgasm. As the
well-know saying goes, "Sorry about that."
Ratings for "The Truth of Well-Known Sayings"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Offering" by BronwenSM (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515030238
The young adolescent is getting it on with her older boyfriend in the dark in a
semi-public place, when she becomes aware that someone is watching. It's a
derelict - a sad lonely man, who really likes what he sees. To her boyfriend's
dismay, she invites the old guy to join in. It's stories like this that have
brought terms like "mercy fuck" and "charity date" into our language.
Ratings for "The Offering"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Barley Legal Teens" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
http://wwwdeja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=515030234
Unless you look at this title carefully, you'll miss its point. Usenet has
generated an elite coterie of scholars known as spammers - dysfunctional
dullards who post vast quantities of useless and inappropriate messages in
newsgroups in such a way as to demonstrate their pathetic ineptitude while
annoying the regular users anddisrupting the newsgroup as much as possible. On
a.s.s. these simpletons post vast quantities of wannafucks and advertisements
about supposedly free pictures of naked women allegedly engaging in explicit
sexual activities and nubile teenagers who want to lose their virginity to
people who will talk to them on the telephone.
Astute observers have resigned themselves to this sort of foolishness, and most
of us simply ignore the spam or filter it out. Lord Malinov tried a more
creative approach with his Spam Contest in the Fall of 1997. The idea was that
authors had to incorporate spam into their stories. The contest drew some good
stories, and I'll repost my reviews of several of them.
Back to the present story - the title focuses on the fact that spammers
typically can't even spell their titles correctly. The original spam title was
supposed to refer to BARELY legal teenagers - as in just beyond jailbait.
Bronwen has seized upon this literary peccadillo and has written a story about
teens doing it in barleyfields on a small island just off the coast of Europe.
This is a wonderful story, and I won't risk ruining it by trying to summarize
it. Just let me point out that although it may be LEGAL -albeit barely legal -
to do it with barley, it's a bit risky. In my opinion, those other blokes had
it right when they recommended strawberry fields forever.
Ratings for "Barley Legal Teens"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Kim Nice-but-Dim" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516553724
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516553729
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=516553737
Bronwen's stories are archived at http://www.cyber-mall.com/Bronwen.
When I was in elementary school, I once referred to someone as "nice," and the
person to whom I was speaking replied, ""Nice' means 'bow-legged.'" Just now I
finally got around to checking that assertion. I wish to report that there is
no evidence in my unabridged dictionary that "nice" means "bow-legged." On a
related topic, however, there is dictionary evidence to uphold the old
distinction between a "nice girl" and a "good girl." {A good girl goes out on
a date, comes home, and then goes to bed. A nice girl goes out on a date, goes
to bed, and then comes home.}
I have previously reviewed the first chapter of this story as a separate
posting {"Sucker"}, and a guest reviewer has already done the same for the last
two chapters. The author has updated these chapters slightly and has reposted
them under this new title, and I am now reviewing the whole story. I am also
reposting the previous reviews.
Kim is the teenage daughter of an MP. No, not a mounted policeman or even a
military policeman - the bloke's a member of parliament! As the title
suggests, Kim is not too swift in the attic. It's not quite true to say that
she has a room temperature IQ, but she lacks a certain social sophistication.
As the title of the first chapter suggests, she's a "sucker" in more ways than
one.
Kim has been the kind of girl nobody would take a second look at. But then her
body gets really involved in this pubescence thing, and all of a sudden she is
the girl everyone fancies, and most of them seem terrified of her.
Then Oliver asks her out. Oliver, the best looking boy in the school, who used
to not care about Kim enough to give her the time of day. On their first date
Kim has medicinal sex with him. Pretty soon she's giving first aid to all the
homies in the 'hood -<ooops! wrong dialect!>
British sex is complicated. Her father gets blootered and makes a suggestion
about "fucking the European Community" - a formidable task even for a person as
diligent as Kim.
Then one afternoon while she is mooching about by the horseboxes at the polo
club, where her mum spends her time trolling for Argentineans, Kim meets Greek
Eddie - who is actually French. At first I was concerned over the statement
that Kim was having trouble "ringing" Eddie, but then I realized that problem
was more closely related to Ma Bell than Big Johnson. Eventually, Eddie gives
it to Kim up the jacksie - not very delicately, I might add. Either he thought
she was screaming with delight or it didn't bother him that she wasn't. It
hurt. In fact, it hurt like buggery, which gave Kim an insight into the
etymology of that term. As Disraeli said, " I adore sucking cock, but this
buggery crap is simply not my cup of tea." Or as Mark Twain put it, "If your
arse hurts that much, how do you take a shit?"
But then on one of those moveable feast nights Brits get in the country, Kim
has an epiphany. {There's subtle religious humor in the preceding sentence,
but just in case you missed it, I'll offer you something less subtle: What do
you call an Aggie cheerleader with two brain cells? Give up? Pregnant!}
Anyway, Kim discovers that the men have been using her for their own pleasure.
Rude Awakening City! Kim doesn't mind being considered so dumb that blondes
tell jokes about her, but the worst thing is that she has been pootling along
thinking they liked her, and they didn't - they didn't give a shit and she'd
never noticed. Revelation Station!
Well, Uncle Barnaby rescues Kim and takes her home in his dj. {That one
worried me for a while, but eventually I realized it was a dinner jacket.}
Barny is a sort of knight in shining armor. When he finds out what the teenage
boys have been doing to Kim, he exclaims in a passionate paroxysm of avuncular
alliteration, "How dare the bloody bugger bugger my battered baby?"
Barny is initially a bit concerned at how his niece (who is not really his
niece) got to be so gormless, but he sets the question aside and jumps her
bones. He does it very nicely. The waves pound on the beach, the pistons
piston, fireworks go off, and rockets are launched. Then, of course, there's a
surprise ending.
Here's a vocabulary note. Bronwen makes some mistakes on purpose, but I think
she said "homely" where she really meant to say "homey." In the unlikely event
that you get bored reading this story, you can look for that one.
Ratings for "Kim Nice-but-Dim"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Vamps" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com).
http://x45.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=517671558
http://x46.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=517674052
http://x46.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=517676270
{Someone has started a discussion of this story in a.s.s.d. Instead of
contributing directly to that thread, I am reposting my review here.}
I am a member of that small minority of Americans who believe that there are no
real vampires in the world. At least none that look like humans and require
human blood for sustenance or recreation or whatever. Therefore, I appreciate
it when an author gives me some concise background information on the ground
rules for vampires in his story, and this author performs that service nicely.
Vampires live long lives, but they retain their youthful appearance. They can
also exercise control over the minds of the humans around them. They blend
into the midst of the human race by taking on various jobs or roles in society.
One of the interesting aspects of this story is that Maya, the female vamp,
has spent the last several decades concealed as a nun in a Cistercian convent.
Maya is young (hardly more than a hundred years old) and sexually
unsophisticated; and so the narrator (a male vamp several centuries old) takes
her under wing. {It's hard to tell this story without an accidental pun now
and then.}
The story is somewhat complex. Graeme (our narrator) meets Maya on a Brazilian
beach that is frequented by vampires. Graeme and Maya take into their
apartment a vulnerable Brazilian, non-vampire girl who appears to be about 14
years old. They engage in numerous sexual pleasantries. But then we discover
that the ways of vampires and of humans are not completely compatible.
Ratings for "Vamps"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
<end>