Stay

Comments from adultery on the Love Bank - an email conversation

<<<I have stayed with you because I have wanted to, because I love you.  While hurting you is not something I want to do, if I have to go I will go, and I know that you will be okay.

>>>

That is what I believe.  There is a great deal of understanding in our relationship, a sense of realism that underlies the dream.  I do not know many people with the depth of understanding that you have.  Also, we seem to like a lot of the same things together.  You enjoy my company!  And I yours!  What a concept! The adventure of it all is also a great asset, is it not?

<<<Do you think that your wife would be terribly devastated if she knew that you are having an affair with a co-worker?  Would that not be doing something TO her?  Shouldn't all of your investments be flowing into her account?>>>

Yes.  Terribly.  Yes, in many ways.  Yes, in a perfect world.

I think that she would have a difficult time getting over that knowledge.  I am not sure how she would react to me, but trust would be a thing of the past at least.  As far as my wife relates to us, in my way of thinking, I am doing this not to her, more because of her, or maybe in spite of her.  I believe that her choice to put me on the back burner contributes.  As I've said, my wife and I have talked about her priorities and she is comfortable with the status quo.  I am not. 

We have a running joke about our youngest daughter, that "it's all about her."  Whatever comes up, our daughter looks at it with a narrow perspective that begins and ends with her.  the argument could be made that I am doing the same thing.  I don't believe it and would not continue if I did.  My sense of morality is at least such that I am not a (consciously callous) user of people.  Much of it IS about me, but it is also largely about you.

If my account had much in the way of deposits from my wife, I would naturally be making more deposits in her account.  I think that is the author's point, that it is natural to do so.  I continue to make some deposits, believing at the time that I will not receive proportionate compensation for my efforts.  I do not begrudge these, and am more sad and disappointed about it than angry.  (although I have been angry from time to time)  It is not as though the flow is cut off, merely trickling.  And yes, I could do more were I not banking with you. 

I know I am in lust with you, I'm not sure I want to admit being in love.  (perhaps my "problem" is that I am only in love with myself) I know I love you very much, as your impact on my life has been beneficial and striking.  I love you enough to accept the sharing, as you do.  And if I thought that (or you told me that) complications form our relationship were making you unhappy, I too would not hesitate to step aside and live with my memories.  As you would.  Wither then? I cannot say, and pray that I do not have to find out.  But I would survive.

X0x0x

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