I was checking out the new club space Sarah had set up for the girls´ class. Tables and benches, a few chairs, a soda machine, bookshelves and such. I´m happy that everyone at Still Waters is taking part in this.
It all looked about right, and I was all set to go thank Sarah when Jane Pinski, a girl I´d taught a little last year, came in the room. She wore her usual depressed air.
“Hi, Mary.”
“Hello, Jane. I´m glad you´re going to be in this class.”
“Yeah, well it looks like it might be okay.”
“Heard you were at a riding camp this summer. How´d you like it?”
“I hated it. It was awful. I´d rather have been in jail.”
“How come?”
“First, it was all English riding. And the girls were just like at school, getting into little clubs and ragging on everyone else, lording it all the time. The ones who had their own horses lorded it over the rest, the ones who had the good horses lorded it over the ones who had plugs. The only good thing was, no boys.”
“Well, at least you didn´t give up on riding.”
“Close. The real reason I´m here is my folks insisted. And it´s okay, because maybe the boys won´t be after me so much.”
“Boys a real problem?”
“Yeah. They get you in the halls and feel you up and then they laugh at you when you get mad. Makes me feel like shit. I feel like shit anyway.”
“Why?”
“I dunno. I can´t do anything right. Can´t talk to anyone ‘cept you, and I hardly ever see you.”
“Well, you´ll see more of me, now.”
“I hope so. You be here every day?”
“No, I´m still in school, too. Just Tuesday and Thursday this term. The rest of my gang will be here the other days.”
“Who?”
“You´ll meet them later. They´re all good guys ... Look. What is this about your folks insisting you come here?”
“They did. Sent me to that fucking camp, too. Last thing I wanted. I knew it would be that way.”
“Do you know why?”
“Yeah. Mom thinks I´m a whore.”
“What? What on earth do you mean?”
“Shit, Mary, you know what a whore is.”
“Why would your mother say that?”
“Well see, after I got raped ...”
“Oh, Jesus. No. Look, let´s sit down and you start at the beginning. No, over here, close to me if you want.”
“I never told anyone. Not the whole thing.”
“Stops with me. You know that.”
“I wouldn´t tell you unless ... I know.”
“So, when was this?”
“Last spring, just before the end of school. I was going home through the woods and two guys from the class ahead of me stopped me. I thought they just wanted to horse around, you know, talk. Ended up one of them held me down while the other one fucked me. They pulled my jeans off and he just did it.”
“What did you do?”
“I screamed bloody murder and fought like hell. Seemed like it made it more fun for the bastard. Anyway, when he finished, his buddy was going to get seconds, but I got away and ran like hell. I sneaked home and no one saw me – I was bare-ass, for Christ sake, all I had on was my shirt. Later, I went back and got my jeans and my books and my purse. They stole my money, though.”
“God, that took courage, to go back there.”
“Never thought of that. Thanks. I just figured, all the screaming must have scared them, made them think someone would come. Anyway, they left.”
“Did you go to the police?”
“I wanted to. I told my folks and told them I wanted to get those two bastards sent up for life. Shit, I know who they are. I see them every day. And they look at me and make faces at me, rub their crotches. God, it´s horrible.”
“I´ll say. But why didn´t you ...”
“Mom wouldn´t let me go to the police. She said, ‘I don´t want people to know my daughter is a whore. ´”
“I can´t believe that.”
“Believe it. She said, if I hadn´t led them on, it wouldn´t have happened. It was my fucking fault. Never mind they had to hold me down and hit me. They broke my nose. Mom had it fixed so no one would know. Then she found that fucking camp and made me go there for the summer.”
“You must have felt awful.” I put my arm around her; she snuggled. There were tears in her eyes.
“I thought I´d kill myself. But that wouldn´t fix anything, I guess, really. I just feel like I´m shit. And guys treat me like shit, and so does my mom.”
“Why do you think your mom does that?”
“I think she´s nuts. Crazy. It´s the only answer.”
“What about your dad?”
“Dad´s different. He won´t cross Mom, but he´s on my side, I think. When he can, he tries to make me feel better, but he can barely talk to me. Doesn´t seem to know what to say.”
“I guess I understand that. I had something like that, too.”
“What? Somebody rape you?”
“No, thank God. I hope that never happens. It was different, but my mother was crazy, too, for a long time.” I told Jane about my mother, how until last winter, she´d pretended I was supposed to be a virgin. All part of a post-partum fantasy that lasted 18 years. It´s over now, and I have a mother at last. But, I kept it short, because it isn´t really the same, and I´d be surprised if Jane´s mother comes out of it like mine did. She´s a healthy, happy, horny lady now. But I didn´t try to hold out any false hopes to Jane. She wouldn´t have bought it. We sat and held each other for few minutes.
“How is it going in school now?”
“I get out of school and go straight home. I don´t have any friends any more, the other girls think I´m weird. But I´m not going to let that happen again. I guess I´m really glad Dad got me into this thing of yours.”
“How do you feel about yourself?”
“I feel like shit. Like someone used me and threw me away. I have nightmares. Half the time I don´t want to eat, but I´m scared of getting ano – you know, skinny.”
“Anorexic.”
“Yeah.”
“How´s your riding?”
“I learned a lot about Eastern riding. I don´t like it. It´s like driving a truck. Hope this will be different.”
“I heard your dad bought you a horse.”
“Yeah. He´s a good horse. Guess he thinks it will make me feel better. Doesn´t.”
“I know. But your dad was the guy who really got behind this idea of mine. Got enough other people together so it could get off the ground. He´s really trying for you.”
“Yeah, I know he is. Did he really help out with the class?”
“We probably wouldn´t have it without him.”
“Guess I´ll tell him ‘Thanks´.”
“Wouldn´t hurt.”