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Andrew Roller Presents
holy joe in
The Man from T.O.I.L.E.T.
(That Offensive Illegal Lecherous Execrable sTranger)
Issue No. 2
BECOME A STAR WARS MILLIONAIRE !
by yoda joe
No, T.O.I.L.E.T. hasnÕt sold out. What I have done is call the Star Wars
hotline, after receiving a brochure in my mailbox. Also, being someone
who doesnÕt have a girlfriend, I also read the brochure. Particularly the
back of the brochure, at the bottom, where there is a lot of fine print.
I have found a loophole in the Star Wars brochure. It only applies to
people who live in Alabama, but thatÕs how loopholes work.
LetÕs say youÕre a bum in Alabama. LetÕs say your name is P.P.
Wilson. How can you become a Star Wars millionaire?
Well, according to the Star Wars brochure, ÒIn AL only, get 3 free
official Game Medallions by request in-store per visit. All visits to same
KFC [Kentucky Fried Chicken], Pizza Hut, or Taco Bell location within 2
hours constitute single visit.Ó
Now, what does that mean, in plain english?
Well, if I were P.P., hereÕs what I would do.
I would wake up. (This is important.)
I would take a bath. (This is almost as important.)
I would go to the nearest Goodwill store and buy a shirt and a pair of
shoes. (This is fairly important too, even in Alabama.)
Oh, yeah. Buy a pair of pants too, P.P.
NOW, walk to the nearest restaurant. (I know you canÕt afford to eat
there, but go anyway.) Pick one of these restaurants: Kentucky Fried
Chicken, Pizza Hut, or Taco Bell.
Walk in. (DonÕt beg for money first, outside the door.) Walk up to
the counter. Say to the clerk, ÒExcuse me. I would like to receive my
three free game medallions.Ó
Next, walk to the next restaurant. Get three more free game
medallions.
Next, walk to the next restaurant. Get three more free game
medallions.
Depending on how many Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut, and Taco
Bell restaurants there are in your city, you could wind up with a LOT of
free game medallions! If nothing else, you can save them for a decade or
so and then sell them to nerds at a comic convention.
If you donÕt live in Alabama, call this number: 1-888-234-8226.
(Unfortunately you will only get three free game medallions if you do that,
and you can only do it once.)
You may be wondering why I am helping out George Lucas by
promoting his game. The reason is this: inside the Star Wars brochure I
got in the mail, there was a free game medallion. Guess who was pictured
on the medallion? Twelve-year-old Natalie Portman !!!!
(For a cute 12-year-old girl, IÕll do anything.)
Before I drop the subject of Star Wars, allow me to contribute a
tasteless joke to the Star Wars phenomenon.
ÒHow did Natalie Portman get her last name?Ó
She was walking down the street, trying to think up a stage name for
herself, and a guy saw her and said,
ÒIÕd like to stick my dick in her port, man!Ó
Natalie thought it was pretty cool that a mature, older guy liked her.
So she chose ÒPortmanÓ as her stage name.
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NAKED girls and more at:
http://www.AlessandraSmile.com
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Now, after that educational essay by me, it is time for an
inspiring story:
Naughty Naked Dreamgirls in
kiddie clitties
Chapter One
ÒSally, we *fuck* at those parties,Ó Eveline told me bluntly.
My fingers found my spot and I couldnÕt help diddling it. ÒOoooh! I
want to!Ó I cried. (Though, in truth, I think I was a little confused at what
I wanted just then.)
Eveline snapped her whip against the ground. The sound made me
shiver and nearly leap into the air. I strained up on my toes. My fingers
strained within my panties. Eveline reached out and grasped both my
wrists with the long fingers of her hand and pulled them stickily out of
my panties.
ÒDonÕt be a baby,Ó she admonished. I blushed. I wiped my fingers
against my bare thighs. I felt a need within my slit that burned to be
satisfied. My panties had a wet spot in the crotch. Looking at me, Eveline
let her own hand go to the front of her hotpants. She unbuttoned the top
button, but she was deep in thought and I think she didnÕt even know what
she was doing.
ÒAlright,Ó she said. ÒIÕll let you join. But donÕt think youÕre going to
be special or anything, even if you are my niece. You have to find a friend
to bring along, so there will be two of you, the same age, to lean on and
give each other confidence. IÕll be too busy to give you anything more than
cursory guidance.Ó
ÒOh, thank you!Ó I cried. I threw myself against her, my pussy still
buzzing, knowing she was excited too at what weÕd agreed on. I felt my
bare belly rubbing against hers. Though I was shorter, I stood on tip toe,
and she I think bent her knees a little to receive me as I threw myself
upon her.
Eveline stroked my blonde hair. It was like finespun gold, a long
delicate mane, though pulled at the moment into twin little-girl pigtails
to keep it from being mussed as I slept. I liked my hair. It was long, like
BarbieÕs, and lots of people said I looked like her, especially since my
breasts had appeared.
ÒYou can thank me more helpfully than by just hugging me,Ó Eveline
told me. ÒI need your bottom for target practise.Ó
ÒNo!Ó I cried. But instead of letting go of her I hugged her tighter.
ÒDonÕt worry, weÕll do it indoors, in your bedroom,Ó Eveline said.
ÒOut of the dirt. And IÕll wash off the whip before I use it.Ó
ÒOhhhh, please donÕt!Ó I pleaded. But I hugged her tightly, until she
finally had to take me by my pigtails and pull on them to get me off her.
Then, taking my hand, she led me from the barn. Pepper whinnied to me as
we left.
ÒBye, Pepper,Ó I said, turning and looking at my favorite horse. I
think he mounted Downy when we left.
The wind lifted my nightgown again. It was noon now, but I hardly
noticed, for I was walking beside Eveline. SheÕd restored her top just
outside the barn. It was loosely tied, like before. Her breasts threatened
to bounce from the cups as we walked. She didnÕt realize that sheÕd
unbuttoned the top button of her hot pants and they hung low on her hips. I
could see her bikini panties within, where the hot pants sagged down to
reveal them. She walked with a proud stride across the grass, her legs
clad in knee-length riding boots of the finest leather. I hurried along
beside her, my feet bare in the grass, my nightgown uplifted to show my
belly and the thin pair of panties I wore. EvelineÕs long whip trailed in the
grass, snake-like, slithering along behind us.
Next to the back door there was a puddle of fresh rainwater, slowly
evaporating in the summer heat. It had rained last night, putting me to
sleep. Now Eveline pointed to the puddle and told me to splash my feet in
them to clean them. When I had, she stepped into the puddle, so that the
soles of her boots would be clean. Then she splashed her whip in the
puddle, flicking it in the water so it looked like a water snake. When she
lifted it from the puddle, dripping with water, we both ran our hands along
the whip to clean them.
ÒIt feels, like a penis,Ó I said, breathlessly. It was thickest at the
handle and then tapered slowly down its length until it was very thin at
the tip, where the tassel was.
ÒHave you ever felt a penis?Ó Eveline asked me. The sun was hot on
our bodies.
ÒNo,Ó I breathed.
ÒPenises have a strange shape,Ó Eveline said. ÒThey are a thick
shaft, elongated when the man is excited but shrivelled quite small when
heÕs not. Near the head the shaft briefly tapers inward, then, just when
you might think itÕs tapering down to a more manageable size, it flares
out into a big, bulbous head. Of course, wherever the man wishes to stick
himself, the head, which is biggest, must go in first, which seems quite
impractical to me, given that a girl must get used to a penis. YouÕd think
God would have made a manÕs penis like a whip, thickest at the base, and
smallest at the tip. But no, itÕs just the other way round.Ó
Òmmmmm,Ó I hummed, listening. I wanted to stick my fingers in my
panties again but they were wet from the puddle-water.
ÒLetÕs go inside,Ó Eveline said. I bit my lip but let her take my hand.
Together we mounted the back steps and went into the house. ÒUpstairs,Ó
Eveline told me. ÒGo to your bedroom and get on your bed, like youÕre going
to sleep, or take a nap. But put your head in your pillow and kneel, with
your bottom up in the air. IÕll be up in a minute.Ó
ÒEveline!Ó I said disconsolately.
ÒIt is important that you prove to me you can obey me if youÕre going
to go to my parties,Ó she said. We were in the kitchen. She went over to a
cabinet and opened it. ÒGo on!Ó she said. ÒIÕve seen you take naps in the
afternoon, when uncle asks you to go out and feed the horses. You have no
problem getting in bed then, so that your indulgent uncle makes me feed
the horses instead. Of course, you donÕt mind riding them...Ó
I pouted and darted from the kitchen. I heard the cabinet door bang
shut. She was right, of course. The last week IÕd done almost no chores at
all, and uncle had said it was okay, that I was a guest, and so Eveline had
to do my chores instead. I felt sorry for her and for myself and as I
speculated on why IÕd been so bad, I went upstairs to my bedroom. I stood
and looked at myself in my mirror. I liked my new breasts, but I hated
them too, because they made me much more noticed by all the boys (and
even men!) than IÕd ever been before. I untied my pigtails.
Eveline walked into the room. She was carrying her whip and a small
black satchel. ÒDid I say to primp?Ó she asked. ÒGet in bed! Auntie and
Uncle might come home any minute, and I know you arenÕt going to be quiet
like you should be!Ó
ÒOhhhh!Ó I cried. I didnÕt want to go through with it now. But I got
on my bed. It was still unmade. Eveline noticed, tutted. She placed the
satchel on top of my dresser and unzipped it. She took out a bottle of
vinegar. I guessed sheÕd gotten it from the kitchen. She unscrewed the
top. I smelt the pungent tang of the vinegar. She drew a rag from the
satchel. It was white, like cotton. She wet a rag with the vinegar, then
wiped it along the length of her whip.
ÒIt will sting better with vinegar on it,Ó she explained. Poutingly I
put my head in my pillow and raised my ass. I felt my nightgown slip
down from my waist. It gathered around my breasts. ÒPlus, in the
accidental event that I should draw blood, it will be sanitary,Ó she said.
ÒOh, please Eveline, IÕm sorry I didnÕt do my chores and I do want to
go to your parties but...Ó I protested.
ÒWith or without?Ó she asked simply.
ÒHmmm?Ó I queried.
ÒWith panties or without,Ó she said. She advanced toward the bed,
putting the open bottle of vinegar and the rag on my dresser, holding only
her whip. She reached behind her back. Awkwardly she untied the
drawstring of her bra that looped around her back. The cups, loosed, fell
from the prominence of her breasts to lie in the space between them.
Then she reached up behind her neck and untied the drawstring there. Her
bra fell away, leaving her breasts nude and uncovered. They joggled a
little in their newfound freedom and rose and fell with her breaths.
ÒWith panties, of course!Ó I said.
Eveline reached out, and caught the back of my panties and yanked
them down. ÒThen you must do it without, since you wish the opposite,Ó
she said. I felt a cool rush of air on my bottom and worriedly flexed my
hinds. I was going to rise up, but suddenly I felt quite saucy. I wiggled my
bare ass at her and said, impishly, ÒWhat if I cut a fart?Ó
Eveline stepped back. ÒTry to be good and not yell too loudly,Ó she
said.
I felt bolder, in my new condition. IÕd never showed a girl my bottom
before. Eveline was seven years my senior and it seemed okay, somehow,
to tease her with my naked ass. IÕd never have done such a thing to my
friend Tabitha but with an older girl it seemed delightfully silly and
naughty.
ÒWhat if I cut a fart?Ó I asked again, giggling. Like Touche Turtle I
proffered my ass, as if it were his little sword, and I seemed to wish to
joust with her. ÒWhat if I cut a fart?Ó I said again, and was giggling quite
hard now, uncontrollably so.
Eveline simply looked at me, sizing me up. She took the pad with
vinegar on it and ran it over her whip again, down the entire length of it,
soaking the cord with the pad. Then she re-dipped the pad in the bottle of
vinegar, drew it out dripping, and wet her whip yet again. All this time I
was giggling loudly and brandishing my bare ass at her as if I was
Supergirl and her whip couldnÕt hurt me in the least.
ÒOkay, IÕm ready,Ó I said finally, feeling quite daring. ÒWhip me on
my heinie so I can go to your parties and steal all your men!Ó Sassily I
gyrated my bare bottom around, feeling my tight cheeks as they rubbed
back and forth against each other, loving the bittersweet touch of my
pussy lips. I was naked, save for my nightgown wreathed around my boobs,
and my panties ringing my thighs. Naked and wanting and randy, loving my
nudity and how easily I could tease her about the chores IÕd skipped, and
how I might swipe all her boyfriends. ÒWhip me, Eveline!Ó I cried,
giggling. ÒWhip me hard!Ó
SWIIIIIIICK! Suddenly, without warning, without even putting down
the pad of vinegar, which might have inspired me to leap from my bed,
Eveline gave me my first stroke. It slashed across my rump and imparted
a deep stinging to it. That was no mere touch of the tassel! That was a
full-blown stroke, meant not to kiss my bottom demurely but to teach me
a lesson!
ÒYoo hoo hoo! Not THAT hard!Ó I cried.
Looking Over The Bridge (Built In 1936)
by Will Dockery
Freefloating ashes
down slowly to the creek
to the gunky dirty sewer creek.
On a cigarette pack
I write these words
with an ancient pencil
maybe sent down from God
because my pen is lost.
The sky's a murky pea soup
but it will not rain
there is no rain in this town
those were different times.
The city is overcast
by bright grey translucent shadows
as I ride brother Dave's bike
stop on this bridge for a smoke.
I don't necessarily want to go
I have to go.
Cigarette butt falls down quickly
with a blur
a swirling flourish
then slowly moves downstream.
What year was this bridge built?
Seems so ancient
I must remember to check the date on it
when I leave it.
-Will Dockery 5-5-99
AND IN THE END...
A TIP from holy joe
If you sit near the bathroom in a restaurant, you can see all the
little girls going to and from the bathroom.
-------------------------- T.O.I.L.E.T. ------------------------
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