From: Betty
Date: Mon Jun 18, 2001 1:49 pm
Subject: I feel better now

Hi

Its me again.  I am sorry for that last message.  I was pretty upset, but I am
a lot better now.  A man has been helping me and things aren't so bad, now.  

He is from this group.  His nick is "Sickman" and that is the only name he has
told me.  I don't think the name suits him, he is actually very nice.  

He just came to my door Thursday night, a few hours after I sent that message. 
I had not answered the security intercom but he got in anyway and just came up.
 I wasn't even going to answer the door, but he started talk to me through it,
telling me that he wanted to help me, that I needed someone to talk to who
understands me, and that things were not as bad as I thought, so I let him in. 
Normally I would never think of letting some guy I've never met into my house,
but I guess I was desparate to believe the things he was saying.

Anyway, I let him in and he was very nice.  He told me he has been following my
letters on the group and that the last one sounded as if I really could use a
friend.  He assured me that he was not here for sex, just somebody to talk to
and to help out.  

I certainly felt like I could use a friend, but he wasn't a friend, just some
guy off the Web called "Sickman".  But he just came in and made himself
comfortable.  He pulled a bottle of scotch out of his pocket and went into the
kitchen and poured two glasses.  I said I didn't want it, remembering all too
well what happened last time I drank, but he said one or two would do me good
and he would not let me have any more than that.  

"Won't let you".  I remember thinking that I should be insulted by that but
feeling only comfort, as if he was looking after me.  I've never drunk scotch
before.  Yuck!

We sat in the living room and I felt like I was supposed to tell him all my
problems, but I didn't know what to say.  I had said it all in that e-mail and
I felt uncomfortable talking to someone I didn't know.  

But he started talking.  He has a very gentle calm voice, but sure of himself
and it made me feel better just hearing him assure me that everything would be
ok.  First he told me not to worry about my job, that they cannot fire me for
that and that he would talk to my boss and would work something out.  I don't
believe him, of course, but it was nice to have the ray of hope.  But then he
started telling me how much he admired me.  He said he admired my courage to go
after my dreams and to swallow my pride and to break taboos.  And of course I
did not believe any of that, either, but then the more he said it the more I
started feeling, oh, I don't know, not exactly special, but like maybe I wasn't
as bad as I had been feeling.  

He started taking notes, writing down things I said.  Often he would have an
idea but he would not write it down until I had accepted it and had said it
myself.  "Full sentences", he would say when I just agreed with something he
suggested, and I would have to say it myself.  But he made me promise not to
say something just because I thought he wanted me to.  I had to believe it.  We
talked all night.  It was almost dawn when he handed me the list of quotes and
asked me to type it in Word before going to sleep.  Then he went to sleep in
Chris' room.  

It felt like my head had barely touched the pillow when he was gently rousing
me with a cup of coffee in his hand.  He had taken the day off work but said we
had to get "back to our work".  Easy for him, he had had an extra hour of sleep
and had probably been able to sleep for the three nights before that.  He said
that lack of sleep will make it easier for me to learn my lessons.

He called my boss and told him that he was representing me and that, before we
started any legal proceedings regarding my wrongful dismissal, he wanted to
meet with my boss and the owner about it because we could probably come to a
mutually satisfactory arrangement.  My boss didn't want to and he didn't want
to get his father involved, either, but Sickman said it was in his father's
interest and he just kind of kept insisting until my boss agreed to at least
ask his father.  I don't understand why he thinks he can just go and fix it
all, but he says that it will just be three businessmen meeting to discuss an
issue and that once they understand the problem they have they will want to
take the easiest, cheapest, least messy way out.  

Yeah.  Sure.  I'll believe it when I see it.  But he just says I should trust
him because this is the sort of thing he does for a living, talking with other
business managers and solving problems.  Well, what do I have to lose?  And he
doesn't want me to go, which suits me just fine!

Anyway, by the time he drove me across town to get my groceries, I had a long
list of my own quotes.  He calls these my "kata"; my exercises.  I am supposed
to read them outloud, and I have to say them as if I believe them.  He calls it
re-enforcement and I don't know if it is working, but I certainly feel better
today than I did a few days ago.  Was it really necessary for me to stay awake
most of the weekend?  It felt like he was torturing me, but he said it would
make me feel better, and I do, so maybe he was right.  

I'm going to copy my kata ont the bottom so you can see what I am talking
about.  Not all of it is things I said.  He added the points at the bottom, but
they feel true to me, too, now.  I don't think I ever used the word "cunt"
before in my life and now I am calling myself one!  Its sounds so aweful, but I
like saying it.  Somehow it makes me feel stronger.  That doesn't make sense,
does it?

After the groceries on Friday he made me read my list over and over.  It was so
boring and I was so tired I started falling asleep so he made me stand up so I
could keep reading.  He isn't a mean person, he is just very firm, insistent. 
He talks to me as if I am a small child who doesn't know what is good for
myself.  Kindly, but in a way that it would be hard for me to say "no".  

After it got dark we went out to the adult video store at the mall.  I had
never been in one, but he made me go in with him and help choose four tapes. 
It was bad enough having to face the guy at the counter at all, but with four
of the things I felt like a total sex maniac.  But I blushed my way through it
and then we went back and he put one on.  

He waited until I had gotten a little turned on and told me to masturbate.  I
was embarrassed to do it in front of him, especially when he was fully dressed,
but he kept insisting, and told me that we had already proven that I like
humiliating myself, so it was time to show him what a dirty little cunt I
really was.  That's what he said.  Nobody had ever said such a thing to me
before, well, except me during my katas, but I liked it.  A shiver of excitment
went through me and I wanted him to say it again.  

"Look at her" he said about the girl squealling in passion on the TV, "who is a
dirtier little cunt, her or you?"  

Well, I thought, she is doing it on film for everyone to see, so she is.  

But then, you do it for a fat old man and lick your own son's cum out of used
condoms.  

"I am", I admitted.

"Full sentences"

"I am a dirtier cunt because I suck off my super for rent and lick my own son's
cum out of used condoms."

"And you want to show me your dirty cunt, don't you?"

Yes, I knew I did if I would only admit it to myself, so I started taking off
my slacks.

"Just to your knees" he said and then made me kneel on the floor stretched out
across the coffee table watching the movie, with my fat butt facing him.  And I
watched the girl get fucked up the ass with closeups of it sliding in and out
while she sucked the other guy and I desparately wanted to masturbate.  Partly
because the movie turned me on, but I think more because I felt so stupid being
in such an undignified position and I wanted to make it worse.  I wanted to
masturbate in front of him so I could feel even more pathetic.  Ever since he
convinced me that I actually get off on being humiliation the more I realize
that it is true.  But I wanted him to tell me to do it again so I would not
have to volenteer, so I waited for him to tell me to.  But he didn't.  He just
started talking about the movie: didn't I wish it was me being stuffed full of
cock from both ends and just think how turned on I would be after four movies,
and then I just did it.  I shoved my hand down and started rubbing myself like
a slut.  I felt so pathetic, like I was too horny to be able to control myself,
but that turned me on more and I would have cum in no time if he had not
stopped me, telling me I was not "allowed" to.  Not allowed to?!  Oh, that
really made me squirm, but I slowed down and then he made me read my kata. 
Over and over, lying there in that humiliating position with various woman
grunting and squealing on the TV.  

After a couple of the movies I started falling asleep in mid-sentence again
anyway so he made me stand up, with my slacks still around my ankles, and say
my kata again.  I felt delirious.  Tired, horny, pathetic.  It all started
running together.  When I had originally said all those things in my kata I had
thought they were all true, but as the night went on I began realizing how true
they were.  They summerize my existence.  Even the parts that he added at the
end, which were things I never would have thought or said, I realized were the
absolute truth. I AM a cunt.  Nothing but a cunt.  And I DO really love being a
cunt.  It turns me on.  But it is true, too.  I am just a cunt.  I used to be a
mother and a wife and Secretary of the Events Committee and I was so bored. 
Now I just want to be a cunt.  A cunt who's only function is to suck cocks.  It
is simple, I enjoy it, and there is no reason that I can't.  Sickman is right,
my old life is gone so why not try something really different with my new one
and just be whoever I want to be.  

I was in tears at times, partly because I wanted to go to bed and stop reading
it, but also because I realised the truth that my old life was gone which
seemed aweful and because I felt so relieved by embracing my new life as a slut.

He put me back kneeling over the coffee table and made me show him what a good
cocksucker I am by practicing on a zuchinni.  That turned me on enough to keep
me awake for a little while.  During one of the movies a girl was giving a guy
a very long blowjob and Sickman asked me if I would like a cock in my mouth
right now.  I figured he wanted a blow job and said "yes".  But nothing
happened.  I turned to look at him and he had this questioning look on his
face.  After a while he just shrugged and went back to watching the video, so I
did too.  But by then I was thinking about it and the more I watch her sucking
cock the more I wanted to.  When I read the parts in my kata about liking to
suck cock I really meant it.  A while later I finally asked if the movies were
turning him on.  I was hoping he would say "yes" so I could offer him relief,
but he didn't answer and when I looked around at him he was smiling at me, like
his eyes were laughing.

Some time after that I came right out and asked him if he wanted a blowjob but
he just said that the question was whether I wanted to give one.

"Yes", I said.

There was silence except for the grunting on the TV.

"Yes, I want to give you a blow job".  There.  Was that what he wanted?  To
hear me say it?

Nothing.  I looked around and he was looking at me like he was expecting more. 
I knew then that he wanted me to beg him.  But it was like a hurdle I just
could not cross on my own.

"Keep talking" he said.

And that was all I needed.  I was so tired and horny and I was already standing
in front of him playing with myself so what did it matter?  So I did it.  I
told him I wanted it and how good I would do it and how much I would enjoy it. 
But, though he seemed happy with that, he said, "keep talking"

I was running out of things to say.  I started repeating myself and I don't
know what all I said.  And the more I said it the more I meant it until I
finally started actually begging him, saying "please".  Oh yeah, he had asked
me "What's the magic word" which is when I started saying "please", but that
made me cry.  Partly from the humiliation but also from the frustration and
just because I was so tired and was feeling sorry for myself.

"Tell me all about it", he said, and I just started babbling.  I don't even
remember it all but it was not just about sucking his cock; it was also all
mixed up with stuff about my life and it all just poured out in a sobbing,
blubbering mess.  I thought about how ugly I must have looked but it did not
seem to matter, the tears just kept coming.  Oh, I remember saying over and
over parts of my kata.  Not reading them, just blubbering them because they
seemed to best express what I was feeling.  

After that emotional storm had basically passed, he told me to kneel down and
gave me a big hug and started stroking my head and saying that I was good girl
and everything would be okay.  That was the last thing I remember.

I woke up in my own bed.  There was a saucer on the bed-side table covered in
cling-wrap and a note saying that he would drop by after the meeting today and
that I should say my kata at least three times when I woke up and again last
night. In the saucer was a puddle of runny sperm.

I did it.  I licked up that cold, sick mess and said my kata over and over,
more than three times, with a mouth full of old cum.  It was hard to talk but I
figured it didn't matter because I was knew what I meant.

Anyway, thank God Sickman came.  I don't know why he is doing all this, but I
don't know where I would be without him.  Like the phone: I had to unplug my
phone last week because so many people were calling me, either to tell me how
horrible I am or to ask for a date.  But like he says, how can I get a job if
people can't call me.  So he called the phone company and ordered a second line
which will be unlisted.  The phone guy is coming Wednesday to put in new line. 
I just wanted to cancel the old number, but he won't let me.  He says I need to
build a new social life so he had me change my Call Answer message to say that
I would not be answering that line but gave this e-mail address for people to
write to and there are already almost twenty guys who want to get together with
me.  

No way I am ready for that, though. My life is still really screwed up.  I
still don't dare leave the apartment, at least, not on foot.  I am thinking I
may have to move, but my lease isn't up until September so I am stuck here
until then.  Its awful not having any friends any more.  I miss my son and I
feel horrible thinking that he will never love me again.  I still hope my
mother will forgive me and talk to me, but I don't know if she will.  I am just
glad my dad did not have to see his daughter go through this.  I think I will
call my mom to give her my new phone number and hope she will talk to me.

Actually, thinking about it, not that much has really changed, has it?  So I am
getting a new phone line and Sickman SAYS that he is going to fix my job; so
what?  I don't think I could work there any more, anyways, and I've told him
so, so I don't know what he thinks he's going to do.  But despite all of that,
I feel a whole lot better than I did on Thursday, that's for sure!  Saying my
kata helps.  I don't know why.  I guess it just helps remind me that what is
done is done and that no matter how horrible it feels to lose my old life, it
really was nothing that great, there is nothing I can do about it, and besides,
my new life may be really great.

I am starting to get depressed again, so I think I had better go and say my
kata a few times.  But I will be writing again; Sickman says that I was lying
to too many people for too long and that I need to practice telling the truth,
so he wants me to keep writing these letters telling everything that happens. 
It is hard since I know that people who know me are reading it, but he is going
to read them too, and he says he will be very disappointed if I have not
included enough details and enough of my feelings.  

So I guess you will be hearing from me again real soon,

Betty 



Here is my Kata:


Ø	My old life is over
Ø	My family and friends are gone forever
Ø	I may never see Chris again
Ø	They are as dead to me as if a bomb had killed them all and I survived, and I
must accept it.
Ø	It may make me sad, but it is still true and nothing can change it
Ø	When I tried to think of the best parts of my old life, I could not think of
any.
Ø	Chris and I have not been close in years
Ø	Russell and I were miserable together and we are both happier without each
other
Ø	I used to enjoy my church committees but they have really been boring me
lately.
Ø	I hated my job
Ø	Sucking cock was the most exciting thing I have ever done
Ø	I really loved the excitement of sucking cock.  Of being forced to suck cock
Ø	I was afraid at first, but the fear was as exciting as doing it.
Ø	I guess I DO like humiliation
Ø	I never thought of it as something I liked, but I guess I do
Ø	Sucking a dirty old man's cock is humiliating and I enjoyed that.
Ø	Part of the reason I wrote into cum_on was so everyone would know what a slut
I am
Ø	I wanted people to know what a slut I am, I just have trouble admitting it to
myself
Ø	I don't want people to know what a slut I am because I am afraid they won't
like me
Ø	I don't really like feeling humiliated, but it turns me on
Ø	I like feeling really turned on the way being humiliated does
Ø	I wish I had not been drunk when those men used me behind the restaurant.
Ø	I remember that for a while I was nothing but a cocksucker, a mouth to be
fucked and face to be cum on
Ø	I remember that I loved that feeling and I wish I could remember it better
Ø	I would like to feel that way again, only sober
Ø	Being on my knees doing disgusting things is the most intense thing I have
ever done.
Ø	I feel like I have become addicted, but I don't want to stop.
Ø	I want more.
Ø	I feel like such a dirty pig when I am masturbating with a face or mouth full
of cum
Ø	I can't think of anything more disgusting, I guess that’s why I like it.
Ø	If there are more disgusting things, I think I might like them.
Ø	The strongest orgasms of my life have been masturbating while spitting cum
onto a plate and licking it up
Ø	I never really liked sex with Russell because it was always just intercourse.
Ø	I like the feeling of being used
Ø	When my super cums on my face I feel like I disappear.  I don't exist.  I am
nothing but a dirty slut.  
Ø	At that moment I think "God, I am NOTHING.  Who am I under this face full of
sperm?"
Ø	I don't know why, but I love feeling like that.
Ø	So my next thought is always, "I want more!"
Ø	I wish I had been sober with all those guys.   Maybe that would have been
enough.
Ø	I read the word "Sperm Receptacle" in a story.  That’s what I feel like.  
Ø	At that moment, I am not a person any more, just a sperm receptacle.  A
dirty, slut-doll for an old man to use and cum on.
Ø	I like that he just leaves me with cum on my face and doesn’t even thank me. 
It makes me feel more used.
Ø	I enjoy feeling like nothing but a dirty slut
Ø	Its like I become someone else, and I like her because she has an exciting
life.
Ø	Every time, I feel like "Maybe I shouldn't", but I cannot stop myself, so I
guess I need it
Ø	It is like a hunger
Ø	I feel like I'd do anything to make the hunger go away.
Ø	I feel like I have become addicted, but I don't want to stop.
Ø	Everybody hates me for what I did and yet I want to do more.  Worse.
Ø	Sucking my super's cock is not as exciting as it used to be.
Ø	I guess it is not as scary as it used to be.
Ø	I still feel disgusting for sucking of that smelly, fat old man.  I feel
really sick and low.
Ø	I felt out of control at first, now it doesn't.  The fear was really exciting.
Ø	I would like to do things that gave me that thrill again
Ø	No, I cannot think of anything wrong with sucking cock.
Ø	I cannot think of anything wrong with having a man cum on my face
Ø	Other people might think so, but what’s wrong with masturbating with cum on
my face
Ø	What other people think is not important
Ø	All the people in my old life are dead.  Who I have in my new life is my
choice
Ø	I am a different person then I was a year ago
Ø	I want to be with people who like the new me
Ø	I'm a dirty slut
Ø	I think women just don’t like sluts because they feel threatened
Ø	Men probably like it that I am a slut, first because they might use me, but
also just because they can look down on me.
Ø	I want men to want me to suck their cocks partly because it makes me feel
attractive, wanted.  
Ø	It feels good to know men still find me desirable at 41.  
Ø	It felt horrible to have a younger man reject me.  It made me feel like only
old men who could not get anyone younger would want me.  That’s why the guys at
the restaurant made me feel better
Ø	No, I don’t think Chris’ age is why I am turn on by that fantasy
Ø	I think I felt like I was supposed to control him, but wanted him to control
me, instead.
Ø	I wanted Chris to use me is because I was never good at disciplining him, and
now that he is a young man and without his father around, I feel as if he is
stronger than I am
Ø	I feel out of control with him, and for some reason, I like it.
Ø	I like the idea of my own son using me like a slut.  But it would have to be
by force.
Ø	No one forced me to spy on him or steal his used condoms.  I guess I just
like doing sick things
Ø	Part of the thrill was knowing he might catch me and know what a sicko his
mother is.
Ø	I guess the rest was just the humiliation of doing totally disgusting things.
 I guess I really do get off on humiliation, don’t I?

Ø	I am a cocksucker
Ø	I am nothing but a cocksucker
Ø	I love being a cocksucker
Ø	Being a good little cocksucker is all I want


Ø	I am a cunt
Ø	I a sick little cunt made to be used
Ø	I am nothing but a cunt
Ø	I am nothing but a sick little cunt made to be used
Ø	I love being a cunt, a sick little cunt made to be used
Ø	Being used as a sick little cunt, is all I want 


Ø	I am a sperm receptacle 
Ø	I love being nothing but a sperm receptacle
Ø	Being a sperm receptacle excites me and makes me happy