Of Boys and Angels
She was my angel dressed in white and fading the way dreams and angels must, and memories. Like her golden hair fallen to the floor and bright blue eyes once filled with the effort of living completely. She'd been too long for this world and not nearly long enough.
"Don't stay too long," her mother whispered, taking my arm in her scrawny hand and squeezing me. "She's tired today."
I nodded with my eyes down. I'd never learned to look her in the face and I had no recollection of the woman as anything but suffering. She frightened me for that reason and so I avoided her gaze and nodded my head until she let me go. She frightened me the way her daughter didn't and I smiled at the bed and the little girl upon it.
"Hey." She returned my smile and wanted to sit up, but didn't have the strength for that.
"Hi," I said, holding up the odd shaped carton. "I brought you a new hat."
"Hmmm…" She pursed her pale lips, mocking a pout. "I missed you yesterday."
"I wanted to come, but…"
"Mom told you not to, huh?" She sighed as I sat on the edge of her bed.
"Yeah," I agreed and looked at her beautiful face, tilting my head and frowning. "What happened?"
"Oh..." She closed her eyes. "I got a nose bleed last night."
"After the chemo?"
"It wouldn't stop," she said, lifting one small hand just enough to let her fingers flutter. "It looks bad, doesn't it?"
"Let me see," I said gently, touching her chin and turning her face towards me. "Just a little bruised, that's all."
"I'm bruised all over now." She looked down at the blanket covering her thin body and tried to smile. "I'm glad you can't see my legs."
"I like your legs."
"Every time they touch me it hurts."
"You're still beautiful."
"If you kiss me, my lips will bruise too."
"Will they?" I laughed lightly, enjoying the corners of her mouth when she smiled. "I don't know; I can kiss pretty soft."
We looked at each other as I leaned carefully over her, not touching the girl at all, but wanting to so badly it hurt inside. She bit her lip and I clucked my tongue.
"Stop it," she said with a bare giggle rising from her tummy like a flame too small for the darkness around it. "Where's my hat?"
"Here," I said, remembering the box on my knees and I turned so she could watch me open it for her.
"Oh," she sighed with the tiniest nod. "It's nice."
"You like it?"
"Yeah."
"You can try it on…"
"No." She closed her eyes. "Later. Okay?"
"Okay," I agreed, playing my thumb across the velvet, lavender with white lace trim and yellow flowers.
I replaced the hat and the lid of the carton, and set it on the empty chair beside her bed. We were quiet and I did touch her, resting my hand atop hers and curling my fingers beneath so she could hold them. She felt cold and lonely there and it was all I could do not to take her in my arms and away from that place.
I'd bring her someplace else where dying wasn't allowed. Someplace warm and lovely, with cool grass and tall trees, flowers growing wild and unexpected. Blue skies and white clouds, the sun and the rain and nothing to come between us…
"That's a nice dream," she said, surprising me as I hadn't realized I'd been speaking aloud.
"I'm going to kiss you."
"I know," she whispered just before my lips touched hers.
Her mouth opened and I touched her tongue with mine and for just that moment everything was alright again.
"I think about you," she said a few minutes later.
"I think about you too," I said with a roll of my eyes.
"No." She smiled, licking her bruised lips. "I mean, before. I wish we, you know…did it."
"Did it?" I gave her a blank look.
"You're teasing me," she pouted. "You should have tried harder."
"I tried pretty hard."
"Yeah. I shouldn't have said no."
"Well..." I shrugged. "Not fifteen times anyway."
"It wasn't fifteen times. Only like…seven maybe."
"More than that."
"Too many."
"One too many," I sighed. "That's all."
"I thought you'd try harder."
"That's love though."
"You said you could wait," she reminded me.
"I can."
"Now you'll be waiting forever."
"Don't say that."
"I'm worse now," she said. "I'm going to die a virgin."
"No, you're not."
"No?" She smiled at me. "Are you gonna try again?"
"You're going to get better."
"There's no cure. I don't want one anymore anyway."
"Don't say that."
"It's alright. I'm not scared or anything. I just want it to be over."
"I love you," I whispered and kissed her lightly. I didn't know how else to make her quiet.
"The doctors said if I start bleeding again, I probably won't stop."
"Shhh…"
"Make love to me."
"What? No! We can't."
"I want you to."
"We're in a hospital."
"I don't want to make you wait."
"Your mom's gonna come back any minute and…"
"What's she going to do? Ground me?"
"Shut-up!" I laughed at her. "I don't even have a rubber or anything."
"God," she breathed. "Like that matters? You can't say no."
"Yes, I can."
"I'm dying. Nobody says no to me…"
"I'm sorry."
"…they just apologize a lot."
"I love you."
"Prove it."
"I am proving it."
"If we do it," she sighed, "I could just bleed forever."
"No you couldn't." I shook my head. "Angels don't do that."
"Maybe that's all they do."
We didn't say anything else for awhile, but only looked at each other until even that small effort proved too much for her. She needed to rest and I could wait forever if I had to.