Secret Annexe - Chapter Four
Choo-Choo Girls
The Burlington-Northern runs past my yard, up on the raised gravel bed. It goes slow here, west to east and the other way too. But especially up the long steep hill out of town, going east where the world is hungry for oil and wheat and lumber. I listened to it rumbling past the night my father came into my room for the last time. Every time is the last; it has to be. I put myself on that train and watched my little house go by, dark and silent and meaningless, like all the other little homes. Swallowed up by that rush of wind and and deep-throated diesel roar; it carried me far away.
I couldn't get up. So after he was done I just curled up. I hugged myself and rocked myself until Emily got out of her bed and came over to mine. She got under the covers and put her little arms around me and let me cry. She brushed my hair and kissed it and tried to tell me it was okay. That he was gone. But we both knew he wasn't really gone. He was always with us, every minute. Like a ghost, I could still feel him inside me. And I ran to the bathroom to wash him out. But it wasn't any use, it never was, I couldn't wash him away with all the soap in the world.
Emily opened the door and pulled me out of the bathtub. She'd been crying too, I could tell. I stood there and let her dry me off, and we went back to our room, into her clean bed. I told her about the train. I whispered the words as if he might hear us somehow. I told her that I'd been on it, that he hadn't touched me. Not really, not me. I was on the train and there was a wind, and a deep growl that filled the air. The smell of grease and oil, and the soft click-clack of the rails beneath me. I was free. I was watching everything go past and nothing could catch me. Not even him.
Emily told me it was a nice dream. That trains were big and strong and went far away. She always understands and I hugged her tightly until we both fell asleep.
The next night he came again. I pushed myself against the wall, trying to be so little he couldn't see me. I pulled my blanket up and put my pillow over my head and made soft sleeping sounds. He wouldn't bother me, he wouldn't touch me if I was asleep, I told myself. I shivered and waited and I heard his feet and I wanted to cry and scream and run away. But I didn't. I just laid there.
It was Emily's turn. Little Emily who was so strong for me. So brave and strong. She called him Daddy and said she had a bad dream. Her voice was shaking and I felt the hot water in my eyes and I hated it. I couldn't move, though I tried, I swear. I tried to sit up and tell her to be quiet. But I didn't. I just laid there and cried and thanked God that it wasn't me again. And that made it worse.
I heard the bed moving, the little springs being squeezed when he got on Emily's bed. And I heard her muffled voice saying no Daddy and please Daddy, and I had my eyes closed tight. I held my breath and listened for the train and it was coming. I heard the engines like thunder a long way off and I wanted it to hurry. To come soon and take Emily with it, take her away from here. She was crying and I wanted to plug my ears, but I couldn't; I had to listen for the train. I had to help her find it.
Emily was screaming, he was bad tonight. He was angry because it was Emily and not me, because she'd been awake when she should have been sleeping. I heard him cursing her, telling her to keep quiet. But Emily wasn't listening. She isn't big like me, she's so small and he was hurting her. I had to say something. I told her to get on the train. Get on the train Emily, go away and don't look back.