My Incredible Great Aunt 
by Uncle Tom


I retired from writing WE stories some time ago to devote all my 
creativeenergy to my regular job as drama critic. Since my heart attack and 
six-way bypass of last year I can no longer review plays so I have returned 
to WE writing with this story.

My Incredible Great Aunt

Yes of course I remember the first time I went to one of my Great Aunt 
Lucinda's Christmas dinner parties. I was 18, I went with my twin sister, 
Maria, and we ate her.
Along with remembering the sensation of biting into a delicious slice of 
honey-roasted Maria, I remember how excited she and I were when we got the 
invitation to the dinner. Great Aunt Lucinda's Christmas dinner parties were 
famous in an underground sort of way, and people of importance and influence 
were eager for invitations. One of her invited guests was the Lieutenant 
Governor, and he was very puffed up and vain about it. The Governor would 
have loved to be invited, but unfortunately for him Great Aunt Lucinda 
thought he was an asshole.
So when Maria and I got the invitation we felt very important, and honored. 
Of course we had no way of knowing that Maria was to be the main course, 
served up on a silver platter, roasted to a golden brown and with an apple 
in her mouth. Had we known we certainly would not have gone, or perhaps I 
would have seen if I could go without her.
Maria and I were very close, as twins are apt to be. We had given each other 
our virginities when we were 14 and had had sex frequently after that. When 
she was 16 Maria tried doing it with other men, some of whom she liked 
better than others, and I had some successes with other young women, some of 
whom were better sex partners than others, but we still shared our bodies 
with each other frequently and enjoyably.
Great Aunt Lucinda had been married five times and had had numerous other 
lovers. Two of her husbands had been elderly and had died shortly after 
sharing the marriage bed with her, each leaving her great piles of money. 
The other three had also lavished considerable worldly goods on her, as had 
most of her lovers. (One who did not was that same Governor whom she later 
wrote off as an asshole.)
That and an ability to elicit inside information on the stock market and 
other financial transactions had left her, as she described it, with 'more 
money than God.' To this she always added, 'But He has more friends.'
As a result of her five marriages she had all kinds of stepchildren and 
other relatives by marriage. She was always generous with these, having put 
several young people through college and helped hem get started on careers. 
For a time there were two stepdaughters who lived with her, their father 
having disowned them for being too free with their bodies.
After that first dinner, where we ate Maria, I became a regular at Aunt 
Lucinda's dinners and came to know the history of them.
It seems the dinners started out as elaborate feasts at which a wild boar 
was barbecued whole over a slow fire. Much wine was consumed, elaborate 
favors were given out and guests who had had too much to drink were invited 
to spend the night in one of the 20-some bedrooms in Aunt Lucinda's 
elaborate mansion, with no bed checks on who was sleeping with whom.
Well, one year -- three years before the Maria dinner -- the wild boar died 
two days before the dinner of some disease that made it inedible. Great Aunt 
Lucinda had already issued the invitations and the invited guests -- movie 
and TV stars, business tycoons, political big wigs, champion athletes and 
the like -- were looking forward eagerly to coming.
She asked, despairingly, what she could do and one of the stepdaughters, 
Malanie Dear, said, 'Why don't you roast Tamara,' Tamara being the other 
stepdaughter.
Great Aunt Lucinda said,'Why you wicked girl, what an evil suggestion, but 
what a good one. Just for that, I think we will roast you.' She did, and it 
was her most successful dinner yet.
Great Aunt Lucinda told Tamara, 'Don't gloat, young lady. You could be next 
if you don't watch your step.' And then she caught Tamara naked in the arms 
of a footman -- and Tamara WAS next. The dinner was equally successful, and 
established the pattern of young women replacing wild boars on the menu.
For the following year's dinner Great Aunt Lucinda had a second cousin, 
Elbert Hoobard, whom she had bailed out of bankruptcy twice. He had a buxom 
daughter whom Great Aunt Lucinda requisitioned for the dinner and Elbert, 
well aware that he would probably need Great Aunt Lucinda's financial help 
again, gave her up willingly. The daughter, who called herself Salome the 
Enchantress, was an aspiring dancer and Great Aunt Lucinda had told her she 
was wanted at the dinner to entertain the guests with a dance of the seven 
veils.
Salome obliged and when she had shed the seventh veil and stood naked before 
the applauding audience, Great Aunt Lucinda said, 'Marvelous, my dear. And 
now, for a sequel, a performance on the grill.' Two muscular footmen seized 
the girl, tied her hands and feet, than laid her on a grill over a sizzling 
bed of coals. The audience was entranced as Salome begged, pleaded, screamed 
and uttered un-lady-like curses while slowly roasting into a delicious main 
dinner course.
(It came out later that Salome's mother, Mary Eloise, learning of the fate 
in store for her daughter, had gone to Great Aunt Lucinda and, citing a 
mother's love, begged her to spare Salome's life. Great Aunt Lucinda looked 
at Mary Eloise, still just in her early 40s and having a firm waist, great 
breasts and a wonderful ass, and said, 'Why of course, my dear, we will 
gladly spare your daughter -- if you will take her place on the grill.'
Mary Eloise thought this over for a long moment, then said, 'Well, try not 
to burn her, and I hope you enjoy her. Don't use too much sauce,' and left.)
So you can see how Great Aunt Lucinda's Christmas dinner parties were famous 
only in an underground way. None of the invited guests ever talked about 
them publicly, and since they included top people in the media fields, 
nothing was ever published or broadcast about them. And the high ranking 
public officials in attendance made sure there were no problems with the 
law.
When Maria and I got our invitation all we knew was that there was something 
very special about them, and how lucky we were to be invited.
The invitation said to be there at 2:00 o'clock. When we got there Great 
Aunt Lucinda said, 'Oh, I'm so glad you could come, children. Maria, I know 
this is an imposition but I'm asking a really big favor. Three of my maids 
are ill so could I impose on you to help out in the kitchen before dinner?'
Maria said, 'Of course, Great Aunt Lucinda.' To me she muttered, 'Now we 
know why we were invited,' then went into the kitchen to 'help out.' Lucinda 
then invited me down to the game room, where she introduced me to a young TV 
starlet whose career was just starting out and who was excited to be invited 
and to meet a close relative of the famous Lucinda. So we had a pleasant 
afternoon of getting acquainted and servants kept pouring me wine -- which I 
was not used to drinking -- so by dinner time I was in a happy mental fog.
That mental fog kept me from being shocked when I saw Maria laid out on that 
silver platter and then being carved and served. I didn't even object when I 
was handed a plate with a slice of Maria's right thigh, nestled in with some 
tender baby carrots and some nicely roasted new potatoes. Great Aunt 
Lucinda, at my elbow, said, 'You must try it, dear. It would be an insult to 
your sister not to.'
So I ate it, and by golly it WAS good. So good that I gladly accepted a 
second helping from her right shoulder.
Well, as I've said, from then on I was a regular at those fabulous Christmas 
dinner parties and I even had something of a hand in choosing the young 
women to be served. That is to say Great Aunt Lucinda encouraged me to 
become acquainted with my large number of female cousins or other relatives, 
and at times she would ask something like, 'What do you think of your cousin 
Greta?' or, 'How do you like that cute little Suzanne?' I would says 
something like, 'Oh, great kid' or 'I really like her.' Or maybe it would 
be, 'I think she's a spoiled brat,' and then somehow that spoiled brat would 
be on the next Christmas dinner table.
Mind you, I never specifically recommended a girl to be eaten, or advised 
against eating one. But my opinions did seem to weigh in the selection 
process, enough so that when I met a new first, second or third cousin, one 
of my first thoughts would be how she would look on that silver platter.
So that's what I know about my Great Aunt Lucinda's Christmas dinner 
parties. And if you want to know if I can get you an invitation to one of 
them, all I can say is if you have a sexy daughter, or stepdaughter, a 
sister or maybe your wife whom you would be willing to see roasted to a 
golden brown and served up on that platter, I might be able to help you.
That is, of course, if that daughter, stepdaughter, sister or wife really 
deserves to be roasted and served. That's your call.