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* A Story Outline for Jake *
* (part 5) *
* (Correspondence between Luke and myself) *
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| Copyright 2005 by Vince Water March 18, 2006 |
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8/7/05 Luke wrote:
Let me go to NtTL15 first. I have read the latest version that
you've sent me. As I think I mentioned in an open e-mail, the
only problem I have is with your description of Br. Simon.
In terms of his name, you might call him Br. Kenneth.
The problem I have is the Catholic Church would never
"silence" a "bad brother" like this. You're talking about
something that might have happened in the Middle Ages and
something like this might have occurred in the 1950s. But
beyond that, nothing like this would have occurred. Sometimes
"bad brothers" or "bad priests" would be sent to a Trappist
Monastery (a VERY strict religious order) to do penance and
they do have a rule of silence. But these days that would not
happen.
The issue of sexual abuse is such a hot potato in the Catholic
Church that a priest who has a credible accusation of sexual
abuse lodged against him is immediately removed as a priest.
He is forbidden to have any contact with anybody "as a
priest". That is, he cannot say Mass, hear confessions,
administer the sacraments, present himself as a priest, or
dress as a priest. The church doesn't want to risk another
occurrence of this behavior because that's exactly what
happened in Boston and elsewhere where abusing priests were
simply sent to another parish and told to never do that again.
And we know how ineffective that is!
If Br. Simon/Kenneth had fooled around with boys either at the
Rosebud Indian School or elsewhere, he would have been removed
by the Jesuits from any contact with kids. He might have been
sent to a Jesuit retirement home, for instance, where he would
have been in charge of the library or on grounds maintenance.
But he would never have been sent to a school where he would
have the chance to do it again.
You can certainly keep this in the story because it's vague
enough that it's not clear what Br. Simon/Kenneth actually
did. And it makes for an interesting sidelight to the overall
plot. I just wanted to let you know, though, that an order
like the Jesuits would never put a guy like this guy in with
kids again.
Beyond that, the only editorial comment I have is that
somewhere in the story you used the word "fluff" as in "he
just fluffed it off". "Fluff" is a fine English word but it
just didn't seem right. I was talking to my partner about it
and finally it dawned on me that what you mean is "slough" as
in "he just sloughed it off" meaning that he just let it slide
off his back so to speak. They both sound the same and it's an
interesting switch of words.
You have certainly created a nasty situation between Mike and
Jake haven't you? Of course, no surprise, but I'm more
sympathetic with Jake. It seems to me that Mike is being
unnecessarily competitive with Jake and butting in when he
isn't asked. I can understand how Jake would be pissed off at
him. You have written this scene in the computer lab very
well. Good job! Mike is seeming petty and competitive and Jake
is seeming nasty and disagreeable. So don't change anything!
I don't like the fact that Winna and Jessie are going to know
about Jake prostituting himself without Mike knowing. It just
doesn't seem fair that this would be kept from him. I understand
your reasoning in this but I feel sorry for Mike at having
this withheld from him. I would certainly tell my partner about
this were he and I in the situation like Jessie and Mike are.
The letter about Jake sent to Fr. McMillan that you preview
for me in your last letter is good. It does appear to be
written by a student or at least not by an educated adult like
Dr. Karl. It would be typical of an adolescent like Charlie to
get it in his head to write such a letter "for Jake's own
good" without thinking through the consequences - namely that he
is going to lose Jake. If anything, adolescents are well known
for doing impulsive things that they don't think through
beforehand. I'm assuming that Fr. McMillan has some other
information to bolster this accusation about Jake. It would be
unjust and unfair to believe an anonymous letter like this in
and of itself.
You're right. If a family member couldn't have been found
for Jake, he would have gone into the court system, probably,
had he been arrested and convicted of prostitution and would
have been put into a tough foster care family if not in the
juvenile detention facility.
I'm sorry that you're intending for Jake to blame Dr. Karl for
writing the letter. However, in keeping with your presenting
Jake as quite complex and having a nasty, angry side to him,
this story line works, I think. I do think that Charlie would
want to "come clean" with Jake about this to get it off his
conscience and he could very well do it in an e-mail.
Unfortunately it's going to not allow Jake to have a tearful
good-bye with Dr. Karl because he's going to be too angry at
him and feeling betrayed by him.
Maybe Fr. McMillan can say something to Jake that would
indicate that the letter didn't come from Dr. Karl. Like maybe
Jake could angrily confront Fr. McMillan about the source of
that letter and suggest that somebody may have broke his
privacy and confidentiality - like maybe one of the priests in
confession or his doctor......... Maybe Fr. McMillan can say
that the letter was unsigned and he doesn't know who sent it
but it does not seem to be written by somebody with a lot of
education and he is quite sure that it did not come from any
of the adults (including Dr. Karl) who have worked with Jake.
It was too poorly written to have come from them. That would
leave Jake not knowing at all who might have sent it. He would
not suspect Charlie although when Charlie comes clean and
tells him, it would all make sense.
Anyway, if Jake cannot feel that the letter originated with
Dr. Karl, maybe that would allow your fingers to write an
emotional good-bye between the two of them as I've suggested
in earlier correspondence.
I'm intrigued by your plan for a big church farewell service
to say good-bye to Jake. Also I'm intrigued that you're making
the "chapel" into a grand church. I really don't think a place
like that would have a grand church but it's your story and
you can do with it what you want. To make it a church where
many NA from around the reservation come for Sunday Mass and,
presumably, to get married, buried, and baptized is more than
I envisioned but certainly OK.
In actuality, I'm not sure how they'd say good-bye to Jake.
Probably they'd announce it at dinner some evening. Fr. McMillan
would probably clink on his glass and make the announcement
that Jake will be leaving with his Aunt Winna and Cousin
Jessie for their home on the Blackfoot Reservation in Havre,
Montana. He would acknowledge Jake's long stay at the school
and how much he has contributed. He would encourage all the
students to say good-bye to Jake before he leaves. He might
even give Jake something in terms of a good-bye gift. Maybe a
book of photographs of people at the school-class pictures or
something like that. I doubt that they would have a yearbook
but it would be something like that. Maybe the kids would sign
the book and write him a good-bye note. Of course, Charlie's
note would be the most poignant for Jake.
His good-bye would also be announced at Mass the weekend that
he is going to leave. It would be done in the form of a
"prayer" at the "Prayer of the Faithful" which is done right
after the homily and right before the Offertory during Mass.
Fr. McMillan might have mentioned in his homily that Jake is
leaving and wishing him luck. At the Prayer of the Faithful
which is usually written by one of the senior kids, it would
be something like "For Jake Marques who is leaving us tomorrow
(today) after being here since he was five years of age, we
pray for his success in his new life with his family and that
God continue to bless him." Everybody would respond "Lord hear
our prayer".
Absolutely no mention would be made by Fr. McMillan about the
prostitution issue. In fact, I would guess that it would be
kept so hush-hush that there aren't even any rumors
circulating around among the kids or staff about this.
Everybody would be genuinely happy for Jake in finally being
reunited with his family.
About the "beating off" scene and the transition to it, I'm
not exactly sure how the transition would occur either. After
the truth telling game, Jake would be feeling more serious.
However all three boys are sitting there naked in front of
each other and they talk and dry off in the sunshine. Mike and
Jessie are gay and attracted to other guys including each
other. We know that Jake is also gay although he does not know
it himself. Anyway, the three of them sitting around naked in
front of each other could lead to them all absently stroking
their cocks and balls. Almost at the same time they all
realize that not only have they gotten hard, but the other two
have also. Maybe they would laugh nervously at each other.
Maybe Jake would say something flip like "Well, what do we do
now?" Jessie might respond "What do you mean?" Jake might
reply by saying "Well......" and shaking his hard cock at him
and looking at their cocks. At this point somebody could, as I
think I've said in my last letter, note the differences in
their cocks. Jake might make a snide comment that as gay guys
he guesses that they have both seen lots of hard cocks. They
ask him if he has and he blushes although he does tell them
that he has seen a lot of hard boy cocks at school. Maybe they
talk about Mike's circumcised cock and Jessie's and Jake's
uncircumcised cocks. Maybe Jake could comment on how hairy
Mike is including his balls and chest. He could note how he's
different from that and maybe Jessie could chime in also.
This kind of talk about their cocks and balls would be making
them all more turned on than ever. The way I envision it is
that Jake, as he talks, looks, and listens, rubs his cock ever
more vigorously. Maybe he surprises himself by suddenly
cumming in front of the other two. You know, how a guy will
sometimes cum in the middle of getting fucked without ever
touching his cock? Maybe it just snuck up on him. Maybe he
didn't realize how close he was getting to actually cumming.
If this does happen, I do not think that either Mike or Jessie
needs to cum themselves although it would certainly be more
"equal" if they did. You can certainly write it either way and
it would work. However, I do think that Mike and/or Jessie has
to say something to Jake, if he's the only one who cums, about
it being OK, that he's a hot guy and it was neat to see him
cum. I'm probably not saying this very well but something that
would relax Jake instead of leaving him hanging out there
alone at doing something like this.
Actually, it would also work for Mike and Jessie to get very
turned on at seeing Jake cum that maybe one or both of them
cums too. Maybe they grab each other's cocks and bring each
other off. Maybe they would use their mind talking to get each
other off. I continue to feel that they should not have
passionate sex in front of Jake at this point especially. But
if they all three cum, it would be another "bonding"
experience among the three of them. And it would be their
secret. Jake would also have the experience of doing this very
private and personal thing with the guys and not getting
pounced on by Mike especially for sex. This would give Jake
one more piece of evidence that the relationship that Mike and
Jessie have is really special.
You asked about Winna's emotional state after learning about
Jake's prostituting himself. She's obviously shocked but I
think that Winna is made of strong stuff when she needs to
cope and she probably, after the initial shock, reasons within
herself that Jake is still her nephew and he's only 16. She
worries that Judy's behavior, if she knows that Judy was
prostituting, may have influenced Jake. This is all the more
reason, she would think, why he needs to be home with her and
the tribe so he can continue his growing up in a healthy,
family environment. She might also say in her own mind that
she's going to put the reality of this in the back of her mind
and not deal with it until she gets Jake back home in Havre.
For now, she needs to keep her wits about her and deal with
the guardianship issues with the school and with the court.
She doesn't have the time to indulge herself by getting
outwardly upset about this.
Winna will probably see him as a "victim" as you suggest.
However, it would surprise me if she would weep and wail about
this. She would certainly be upset but I think she would keep
it together to get through this. Also Winna has been living
among Native Americans in Havre who have gotten into all sorts
of things. Maybe she knows about that guy whom Mike met in
that bar who wanted to give him a blow job. I think that she's
likely to be "cooler" about it than upset for now. I'm sure
he's not the first member of the tribe who has gotten into
prostitution and rumors have spread.
Again, if she tells Jessie you might want to consider him
telling Mike but telling Mike he needs to keep this between
the two of them. He cannot tell Jake that he knows and he
cannot tell Winna. Is Mike able to keep this kind of secret? I
sure hope so given the fact that he's the shaman-to-be's
husband and Jessie needs to be able to confide in him while
having complete confidence in Mike's ability to keep these
kinds of secrets. I don't think that Winna will flip out or
anything like that.
8/8/05 Vince wrote:
Your Sunday letter was exactly what I needed to make those
changes/corrections to NtTL part 15. Please keep in mind that
it was a rough first draft sent you last Tuesday. I wanted to
get story out to you for comment without investing a lot of
time in polish if parts of it were rejected by you. That has
proven true for Br. Simon and I'm in agreement with your point
of view. I still like the idea of a 'silent' Brother and will
change that scene to explain it as self penance Fr. McMillan,
his confessor, had reluctantly agreed to since the Brother is
enduring temptation by his 'gay' side. You'll just have to
wait and read this revised scene to see what I mean.
Since Tuesday, I haven't worked on parts 15 and 16. It's good
sometimes to allow days to pass (has it been nearly a week?!)
before getting back to a story. With your comments in hand, I
can incorporate them and polish part 15 for your text editing,
likely at the end of this week.
You did provide me with some ideas to Jake's beating off scene
in a previous letter and in this latest one. Other ideas are
running through my mind that I'll put down into words for
part 16 once we have part 15 posted with the Nifty Archive.
You have to admit that with all that's going on between M&J
and Jake at the pond, the right balance of 'fun' and 'serious'
is necessary to pull it off. I want this important scene to be
memorable to readers, and to your satisfaction.
I'm surprised that you didn't critically comment about those
three 'nude' posters on Jake's wall. In my mind, he's so sure
of himself as a hot 'straight' guy where the other boys at
school know of his exploits with the girls at Socials and his
bragging of having laid some that those posters depict his ideal
of how he wants to develop his body in envy and motivation than
being sexual turned on by those images. There are other posters
on Jake's wall (I have to write that in part 15!) that balance
those three. To someone gay like Jessie who sees them and knows
that Jake is too, it shows how blind sided Jake is to being
gay by how well he's buffaloed himself and the other school boys.
If I'm a good enough writer, that will come out in the story.
I've made Mike seem competitive and getting on Jake's case
when it comes to computers so readers will be more sypathetic
to your character and understand why he takes pot shots at
Mike. You'll have noticed in Winna's talk with Mike on the
bench concerning this while they wait for Jessie and Jake's
return from the dorm.
I'll stick to Charlie being the author of 'that' letter. A
great story scene develops before Jake leaves school on Sunday
concerning Dr. Karl that you'll have to wait and read about!
Keep in mind that texts sent you will be rough first drafts so
I'm not investing too much editing/polish time until getting
your comment and approval first.
I'll downplay the role of the Rosebud Church to the locals who
attend Sunday services. I don't want this historical Church to
be a mere chapel though. It was built in the late 1800's with
the first boy's boarding room and classroom, and survived that
late 1960's arson. Thank you for your specific descriptions to
Jake's farewell service! They will prove most useful when that
scene comes up.
Guess where those ten computers Jake has sitting in his
backroom, all fixed up, are going to? Mike's truck bed is
going to be pretty full when he returns to Havre Sunday.
I was planning for Jessie to learn through Mind Talk with Jake
at the pond that his cousin has been prostituting himself. Now,
only Winna will know during their visit. Thanks for your
insight about this strong woman to bear her nephew's terrible
secret and get through the Guardianship process closed mouth
about it to M&J.
This is only going to be a short letter to address the good
points you've made. That way, I can devote more time to
finishing part 15 and maybe get it sent off to you on Tuesday
when I send this letter. If not, I'll do so on Thursday so you
can grammatically edit part 15 for posting. I'll be working on
that pond scene and send you by Monday of next week. Depending
on other story filling developments, part 16 will end with a
very disappointed Winna (Jake said 'no' at the dinner table)
returning to her motel room Thursday evening to cliff hang
readers. I'll pause writing NtTL 17 to get a few H story parts
written.
I'll end my letter here. I'm relieved that much I have written
in part 15 was approved by you. That text will get polished
with necessary scene changes for your editing either on Tuesday
when I post this letter or by Thursday. Then off to Nifty by
next week! It's been more than a month since part 14 was
posted with them so I don't want to delay a story part too
much or lose Reader interest. My Author's Note at end of part
15 will hopefully get some of them to join my Yahoo! Group.
Not much activity there of late... sigh.
8/9/05 Luke wrote:
I'm glad that my Sunday letter was helpful. I just read the
TEACHL15 which you sent and the section on Br. Kenneth (aka
Simon) is much better. Good job!
I did notice your description of those three "nude" posters on
Jake's wall. I am surprised that he would have the nerve to
put pictures so explicit on his wall although I would not be
surprised that he wouldn't have a clue what he was saying
about himself. He probably really believes that he is just
drawn to their powerful, muscled bodies and wants to be like
them. Jessie comments, of course, that Jake has gotten quite
muscular himself. You have the photographs in the photos
section of your group, don't you? I'm typing this offline so I
can't easily go to the group right now and check it out. I
will do so later.
Yes, your description of the competitiveness between Mike and
Jake is well done. It is also typical of two young males who
are jockeying for superiority. If they were dogs or something,
they would probably be sniffing each other's butts and cocks
and growling quietly but deeply to try to get the other to
back down. You realize, of course, that Jessie is not part of
this male-male competitiveness. I wonder why? He's more the
peacemaker and the one who's trying to calm Mike down. He's
almost like a "nag" - telling Mike that he's not allowed to
Glean one person or another. I do like Jessie's reasons for
this, though. Namely that Mike and he need to let people
develop on their own in the "normal way" instead of jumping
ahead right to their depths.
Don't downplay the role of the Rosebud Church to the locals.
That would be an interesting side-light to the story to have
Jake or Fr. McMillan explain the fact that this church also
functions as the parish church for the members of the
reservation who are Catholic. So you don't need to downplay
it. And having it be a "grand church" for the reasons you
describe is just fine. My only point is that a poor mission
wouldn't have a grand church I wouldn't think. Maybe one of
the unique things about this mission school is the fact that
it has such a big church.
I can't wait to read about Dr. Karl and the "great story
scene" which you tease me with! Bring it on!
Do you plan on Mike bringing back the "older" computers that
are currently sitting in the computer lab? Or will he be
bringing back the newer ones in the workroom that Jake has
just fixed up? Either way wouldn't matter. In fact, Jake
could note that yet another shipment of sloughed off (like
this word?!!!) computers from some big company are arriving
the next day and he doesn't know where he's going to put them
all. That could give Fr. McMillan the impetus to offer some of
them to Mike-plus printers, routers, networking things,
modems, and so forth.
LET ME NOW GIVE YOU SOME EDITORIAL FEEDBACK ON TEACH15:
I decided to read TEACH15 before I wrote this letter although
I was afraid that I would end up running of time. However, I
read it while I was eating lunch so let me tell you what I've
found:
I REALLY like the section that starts with "Who are you to
judge?" said by the scolding Jessie. This is really good and
talks about a person's right to personal privacy even though
one has the power to invade that privacy without a person
being able to stop them. That concept is particularly
relevant these days with "big brother" looking over all of us.
The paragraph where Jake describes his powerful computer I
really laughed out loud! He could as easily be saying "look at
my big hairy cock. It's bigger and more powerful than yours,
Mike, and pumps out more cum than yours ever could. And it can
get into anybody's mouth or ass that I want." It's the same
principle of a guy getting a so-called "muscle car". It's all
about male potency! Anyway, it's a great description of
adolescent male competitiveness and where it's really focused.
You talk about the boys approaching them in the hallway. The
boys look at Winna and Jessie but they do not look at Mike
directly. You say that they are too shy? Is that because
Mike's white? If it's rude to look at somebody directly, why
do they look at Winna and Jessie?
You throw in a VERY interesting aside about Mike Gleaning that
Charlie fucked Jake! I wish Mike had said more about it or seen
more or something before "scolding Jessie" shuts him down!
OK, that's all I've found in terms of editorial feedback. I'm
sure that your other contributor in your group will have plenty
to add! I'll look forward to seeing part 16 when you get enough
of it written to send it along to me. I hope what's I said
here is useful to you in terms of getting this polished up.
8/9/05 Vince wrote:
THANK YOU for responding so quickly and not only did you
catch some typoes, as expected, I also enjoyed the nice
comments on story elements that you especially liked. That
really helps to motivate me into writing more stories! I think
it's been a long while since you've edited/commented on a
completed story. Your final input serves as a kind of 'pay back'
for all our effort that's brought the story to that point.
I'll make the final corrections and perhaps 'enhancements'
mentioned by you to part 15 and have it zipped in hand when I
go to the Cyber Cafe Thursday. If no one on my Group has
provided me with useful corrections, I'll post the story with
the Nifty Archive. Then it's on to writing part 16.
Oh. I am NOT planning to have Jessie 'touch read' Jake to
learn that he's been prostituting himself. That part was
written at the unfinished end of the skinny dipping scene and
when I return to it, will be deleted. Jessie's scolding of
Mike about Gleaning people will also apply to himself so that
part 16 changes. It would have been difficult for Jes to keep
such a thing about Jake from Mike as you've said. I wanted Jes
to help his mom deal with knowing this about her nephew in a
motel night talk Friday but as you say, Winna is a strong
person who will keep this bit about Jake to herself for now,
only sharing with her uncle (shaman) after M&J leave on their
honeymoon so he can begin the healing process for his grandson.
You can skip this paragraph if you'd rather wait to be
surprised about that Dr. Karl scene I'm planning. Without
going into a lot of detail, here's what leads up to what may
happen between Jake and Dr. Karl. Charlie wrote 'that' letter.
Yes. Fr. McMillan had other disturbing clues about Jake that
supported what the letter 'revealed' to him. Thursday night,
Jake says 'no' to Winna and gets a tough love talk by the
Father to either go back to live with his aunt in Montana or
be placed in a foster home. Jake cries in bed alone; too hurt
to even tell Charlie (his roommate) what's happened. Friday
morning, a very dejected Jake says 'yes' to Winna. The Father
informs Winna in his office alone with her about Jake's past
including what could have led up to it on account of the boy's
mother prostituting herself that led to her murder. Jake is
then brought into their meeting to give his side. Ms. Klein
goes into rush mode with the prepared Guardianship papers
(Winna was working on them during the boys' outing Thursday)
to ready them for the judge. Luckily, it's not an actual court
session requiring previous submission and notice but will be
reviewed in the judge's chamber. She is very familiar with
this Guardianship process and knows people at the court.
Medical records are needed for Jake. She calls Dr. Karl to see
if he can run them over right now. He does. You can imagine
the man's shock that his boy lover is going to be leaving the
school to live with his aunt in the next State! Jake, on the
other hand, is very angry at Dr. Karl for writing 'that'
letter which the man hadn't! The demeanor of these two persons
won't be lost on M&J but not through Gleaning. Mike goes to
the bathroom outside Rosemary's office. Jake goes to take a
piss followed by Dr. Karl. They have words in there without
realizing that Mike is sitting on the pot! "How could you
write that letter to the Father?!" accuses Jake. "What letter?
It wasn't me!" answers Dr. Karl. Mike hears all this and a
very angry/betrayed Jake runs back to the social worker's
office while Dr. Karl leaves the school. Mike doesn't reveal
his presence to them. He still doesn't know that Jake had been
prostituting himself but knows that there was something going
on between Dr. Karl and Jake that some damning letter Dr. Karl
had written to the Father about something bad the boy has done
messing up their relationship. That Friday night, Jake cries
with Charlie and tells him about 'that' letter which has
messed up his life. Imagine the boy's guilt! He's losing Jake
but still feels that he needed help and going off to live with
an aunt will accomplish this. It will be on the following
night, Saturday after Charlie has had a chance to think things
over will he admit to Jake that he wrote 'that' letter. He's
already lost Jake but feels mournful that Jake thinks it was
Dr. Karl who 'betrayed' him to the Father. I don't know how
Jake will take that admission from Charlie and it won't
actually be 'written' in NtTL for being off story for me to
worry about it now. At Sunday's farewell service, Dr. Karl
attends Church of course. Jake now feels most keenly his loss
of school friends, his familiar comfortable life at Rosebud
and for losing Dr. Karl with whom he realizes that he may love
as M&J love as a gay couple. These two will be allowed a short
'goodbye' talk (off story - sorry!) since it's known that Dr.
Karl was the boy's 'Big Brother'. Dr. Karl learns that Winna,
Jes and Jake need a ride to the AmTrak station. He offers to
do so! Mike heads off home in his pickup truck. You can
imagine the silence in that car but the eye exchange between
Dr. Karl and Jake sitting in front that's caught by Jes
sitting with his mom in back of the car. At the station, man
and boy hug with tears in both their eyes. Even Winna will
suspect something from that. In her mind, she's glad to get
her nephew away from his old life where he can be
'straightened out' in her home while Jes feels that those two
need to get back together. Mike is informed through mind talk.
You've probably read the above paragraph, huh? What do you
think? It's only a rough plan in my head that could change
as new NtTL parts are written leading up to it.
Mike will be offered those ten 'new' computers in the backroom
since Jake won't have time to change them out for the older
ones in the lab before he leaves. Having his truck bed filled
adds to a long-intended scene I've planned to trouble Mike
before his court appearance.
Needless to say, much of my letter won't appear in a Jake
Outline. Too much is being revealed so I want Readers to be
surprised. Let me know if something you write me shouldn't
appear. I want Readers to see how Jake develops in NtTL
through our exhaustive behind-the-scenes work which also
serves to document the writing process.
Jake having a better laptop than Mike was to show that the boy
had money he otherwise shouldn't of had to purchase it. That's
one 'clue' to Fr. McMillan who didn't quite believe Jake's
account that he's been saving up his allowance for it. I didn't
consciously intend the laptop to demonstrate Jake's superior
masculinity over Mike as you wrote. Good point, though!
Jake's three friends in the class hall weren't raised Native
so they stare at people of familiar looking Indian faces but
were too shy to look directly at the white guy - Mike. I've
seen this with Asian people. They'll look at my partner but
shy away from really looking at my face.
I know you'd like to have read more sexy tid bits about Jake
being with Charlie that Mike Gleans but I'm not going to throw
Readers too much this early in Jake's introduction in NtTL.
They'll learn more later on in the series when Jake confides
in M&J about his past exploits. Readers can find out now in
the Jake Outline if they want.
8/10/05 Khasidi, a member of my Yahoo! Group: NtTLStoriesAndSketches
emailed this note:
I forget if I have sent you any feedback on Chapter 15 yet.
Here's what I love, the development in Winna's character and
the ride through the desert at the end.
Here is the negative bit (sorry). To me, Jake isn't coming
through too clearly as a person, and I am definitely not
finding him sexy (having a cute ass doesn't do it for me, I
need a personality). The problem may be that everything is
filtered through Mike's perception of him. I found him much
more interesting in the dialog files between you and Luke.
Also, Jes is sounding too "moral." Nobody should be right all
the time. (But I get the feeling that you are aware of this
and have something in mind that hasn't come out yet.)
I've attached a Word file with my editing on Chapter 15. Here
are some general notes:
You use the word "assure" very often when you seem to mean
"reassure." The two words don't mean the same thing at all.
I have eliminated a lot of your use of "Passive Voice". Maybe
you have some reason for using it so much, but I can't figure
out what it is. So, I have changed things like "My coat was
put on." to "I put my coat on."
Mostly I have tried to leave the dialog the way you wrote it,
but I have made some changes where I felt it didn't sound
quite natural. Most of these changes are made according to my
sense of the flow rather for specific grammatical reasons.
I have deleted a couple of whole paragraphs. Almost always it
is because the material seems to just repeat points that you
have already made. I realize that in "Real Life" Mike probably
goes over things a lot in his mind, but I don't think it makes
for a good dramatic flow.
My personal take on the Chapter is that the last part -- the
trip through the reservation in Mike's truck -- is the best.
I am not crazy about the section where they tour the school. I
feel that it drags, there is too much computer talk, and there
is a lot of unexplained tension between Jake and Mike. (Mike
seems to be acting in a kind of cranky and immature way) So
what is going on with Mike and Jake? Why is Mike competing
with him? Why is he so pissed off at Jake? It seems to me that
Jake's reluctance to instantly give his heart to these
strangers who introduce themselves as his long-lost family
would be exactly what anyone, but particularly someone who
was a parent, would expect.
I added some "tickling" dialog to the beginning of the trip
through the desert. This was purely for my own amusement and I
expect you will want to "reject" those changes. On the other
hand, I thought you might enjoy seeing it, so I left it in.
8/11/05 Vince's comment to Khasidi's note above, only appearing in
this text instead of a direct personal response to him:
I'm amazed by how much effort Khasidi has done to edit part 15.
He points out numerous grammatical errors (they were given in
an MS-Word document he sent me) that in a narrative telling of
story, would apply. Mike Yager is telling the story from his
first person point of view who, like many of us, thinks and
says things that aren't grammatically correct. I also employ a
writing style (still immature as far as being a professional
writer goes) that Khasidi doesn't accept.
It's too bad that more readers don't offer me comments,
suggestions or questions to my stories as Khasidi has done.
He obviously has the skill as a writer that would be better
employed towards story writing of his own than to 'improve'
mine from a technical perspective. Pointing out a misspelled
word, story element error or commenting about the story itself
is what I really need! For example, Khasidi commented that
Winna is a woman with needs of her own instead of simply
playing the 'mom' role for her son Jessie as I'd depicted in
past story parts. That was a very useful. Some of us do take
our parents for granted. Winna will no longer suffer that fate
at my hand.
I rely on Luke's editing of my story parts because his
corrections keep in mind my writing style and telling the
story from Mike's perspective. A narrative form would grant
readers views from all the story characters but that's not how
I write. My first person style puts you right in Mike's shoes
to know what he thinks, says and does in real time. There are
obvious draw backs to this. Other story characters' thoughts,
feelings and actions (not in Mike's immediate sight) are very
difficult to put into the story.
This is certainly true for Jake. Readers can't know what this
boy is feeling, thinking or what he's done in the past (off
story, as I put it) because of this. Granting Mike the ability
to Glean people to know what they've done in the past and
through his Connection to Jessie who can Look into a person to
know their current thoughts and feelings gets this into the
story. These 'Jake Outline' texts document my correspondence
with Luke. We both realize that a lot of the things that's
'happened' to Jake won't ever become known in the story. Yet
by having this background material on Jake, I'm better able to
write about him with glimaces of this troubled teen as the story
progresses. It's no wonder that Khasidi found the Jake Outline
texts more interesting than what the story (up to this point)
has revealed about Jake! He cannot be Gleaned by Mike nor Looked
into by Jessie from his ability to shield himself from them.
The boy is desperately trying to hide things from others which
includes himself - not accepting that he's gay, for instance.
If you were selling your body to men for money, would you want
your Jesuit school's Headmaster, aunt or cousin to know that?
Until Jake can trust, only what he reveals to others through
his words and actions will become known in the story. He'll
prove to be quite a handful for Winna, Mike and Jessie in
story parts to come. All I ask is that readers be patient!
I recognize my own lacking as a writer. I've only been at it
for seventeen years and not being quite middle aged myself,
don't possess the life experiences necessary to be a professional
story teller. Yet my imagination more than makes up for this.
I believe that is the reason why my stories have held reader
interest. Anyone can write about sex to get off with. What I'm
trying to do is write about the human condition where sex is
only one aspect in a relationship, and that there are daily
struggles in life both serious and mundane to deal with. Mike
has certainly faced many challenges to stay with Jessie! How
he surmounts them strengthens who he is as a person by following
the good red road. Mike's spirit will shine all the brighter,
his sweet moments with his Indian lover will be the sweeter
and it sure makes for an interesting story, don't you think?
8/14/05 Luke wrote:
Yes, I did read the paragraph where you describe what you plan
to do regarding Jake and Dr. Karl. It sounds great to me. Your
plan to have Charlie admit to Jake personally that it was him
who sent the letter is good. That gives them the chance to
reconcile and/or for Jake to forgive him and to realize that
it came from love and concern for Jake. That certainly will
allow Jake and Dr. Karl to have a more unconflicted good-bye.
On Jessie touching Jake and learning what's in his head, I
hope he is able to do that soon. I am aware that it almost
happened in TEACHL16. I'm sorry it didn't although it does
seem that Jake is getting closer and closer to allowing Jessie
inside. I was just having the fantasy of the three of them
having a time where they each let down their "guard" and allow
the other to Glean or Read each other. Maybe Jake will feel
that now that both Fr. McMillan and Winna know about his
prostitution activities, he might as well let Jessie and Mike
know since he will figure that they will find out anyway and
he's rather tell them himself than let them find out through
Winna.
In the drying off scene after swimming, maybe Jake can offer
Mike and Jessie to feel his erect penis. You know, to see if
it's as hard as theirs or something like that. Maybe Jessie
could grab Jake's cock and "read" him that way! I'm just
teasing, of course, because that certainly wouldn't happen as
shy as Jessie is. Fun to think about, though, isn't it?
I think that Dr. Karl driving Winna, Jessie, and Jake to the
Amtrak station is a great idea. It will let both Jessie and
Winna have a longer experience with Dr. Karl, see what a
strong, loving relationship he has with Jake, and welcome him
to come visit in Havre. Of course, Winna might think that Dr.
Karl is a loving "father" for parentless Jake and Jessie will
know that it's that plus more. Do you know the expression "a
friend with privileges"? Kids around here use it to mean that
you have a friend with whom you have sex but there's not a
romantic relationship. I wonder if there's such an expression
as a "doctor with privileges" or a "Big Brother with
privileges", and so forth?!!
Anyway, your plan about Jake, Charlie, and Dr. Karl sounds
great. I can't wait to read it once you flesh it out in print.
Yes, you're absolutely right about the fact that Jake having
such an expensive laptop is certainly a clue for whomever
chooses to see it that Jake has money he shouldn't really
have. And where does he get it?
I was amused, also, by Khasidi's comment that Jake is much
more clear as a person in our correspondence than he is in the
story so far. That's certainly true because Jake was really
fleshed out in our correspondence. Khasidi's comment that
everything is filtered through Mike's perception of Jake is
certainly true. That's the way you've chosen to write your
stories.
I have been aware that you write in the passive voice often.
I am aware that this is your style and I haven't made any
corrections regarding that unless you use a word that isn't
the correct one - at least in my opinion. Can you imagine the
time it took Khasidi to make all the corrections he did? Wow!
He's really into this.
The scene which ends with Jake running for the lake while
tearing off his clothes is really good. I really liked it. I
could feel myself right there watching it if not being a part
of it.
A general comment is that in the last half of this chapter it
seems to me that there is entirely too much mind talk between
Mike and Jessie. Poor Jake is left completely out and several
times he asks if they are mind talking. It's like a situation
where I don't speak Spanish and two people who do speak to
each other in that language deliberately excluding me. I think
things would flow better if they didn't talk mind talk quite
so much with Jake present and/or if some of it switched to the
verbal level.
Regarding the skinny dipping scene, it is really good! I like
it! I like them openly looking at each other's erections. I
like the talk about what each of their erections look like. I
wish that Jessie could openly display his erect cock like Mike
and Jake are doing. I like the conversation where Jake remarks
that a guy's asshole needs to get lubed up first.
Jessie offering Jake his hand and the invitation to get to
know them in that manner is really great. Do you plan on Jake
accepting Jessie's hand at some future time? I hope so.
And the wrestling scene with Mike and Jake is really great. I
never would have thought of that. Jake is a champion high
school wrestler so Mike, who hasn't wrestled since high school
and there is no indication that he was a champion wrestler,
really doesn't stand a chance, does he? With Mike as angry as
he is, it isn't surprising that he isn't aroused although some
people would get very aroused precisely from this sort of
thing. You clearly show that Mike does eventually get aroused
during the wrestling and that Jake is clearly aroused. And to
have Jake cum on Mike while he has him pinned is great! I was
wondering if you were going to have Jake stroking his cock up
and down in Mike crack and sometimes stopping with a jab at
his hole.
And I really like that Jake opens up to the guys about what he
knows about what happened with his mother. And his sobbing in
Jessie's arms is also wonderful from the point of view of Jake
letting down his guard and also for the developing
relationship with the two guys. He feels comfortable enough to
wrestle with Mike and even cum on him. I doubt that Jake would
have wrestled with Jessie, would he? Mike did the "traditional
male" thing of turning away from this display of emotion. I
wish he had just gone over and laid his hand on Jake's
shoulder or something like that to show his support and
compassion. I know that you have Mike thinking that Jake will
be ashamed to "give into this weakness" but, hopefully, Jake
will get over this but from Mike's turning away reaction he's
going to feel that Mike was rejecting of him for this display
of emotion when, in fact, Mike seems to cry at the drop of a
hat himself! And do you mean that Jessie "pounds" over Jake's
back? I'm hoping that you mean that he "strokes" Jake's back
or "rubs" it in a soothing way. Pounding his back is something
I would expect if he were coughing or had something caught in
his throat.
The scene in the pizza place is fine. Jake's comment about the
anchovies sounds just like an adolescent! Mike's conversation
with Duck Crossing Pond is very nice. But Jessie's comments to
him through mind speak are really nagging and sound very
parental. Khasidi's comment about Jessie being "perfect",
"always right", and so forth do ring true to me as I read the
past few chapters. He really seems to be turning into a
"scold". You've even used that word in the text as in "scolded
Jessie".
Jake's comment "Can I join you in the conversation?" is
another indication of how shut out he feels with the mind
speak. I'm sure that Jake probably thinks that the mind speak
conversations are about him and that they're negative. Most
people do think that when they don't know the reality. I guess
we're all a bit paranoid. Did Jake pick up Jessie "mind send"
to him about whether he liked rubbing his cock in Mike's ass?
Or did he just pretend that he didn't hear? I couldn't tell
from the text although it appears that he didn't hear Jessie.
About what they talk about over pizza, it could be almost
anything. Maybe they could ask Jake about the town and what
it's like. Maybe they could ask how much contact Jake and the
other kids have with the people in the town. Of course, this
might make Jake nervous. I wondered if Jake was going to spot
one of his tricks in the pizza place. They would, of course,
studiously avoid each other but both Mike and Jessie would
pick up that something was going on. Maybe Jessie and Mike
could talk about Havre and various relatives like RW,
Grandfather, and so forth. Mike could talk about his
experience of drumming with Jessie. They could, of course, ask
Jake what he remembers about his early years with his mother.
Maybe he could tell them what he remembers without having to
necessarily sugar coat everything. Maybe he feels that these
two guys might understand. Besides missing his mother and
being very upset that she was murdered, he is also probably
still angry at her and even angry that she died. After all, he
did expect that she was just leaving him at the school for a
short time and would be coming back to get him. Not only did
she not come back to get him but she didn't even write him or
call him. Maybe she did it because she felt he would be better
off with her completely out of his life. If she has been dead
for five years, then she died when he was about 11 and he had
been at the school for six years.
8/16/05 Vince wrote:
Even if Jessie touches Jake, he cannot Look in for immediate
thoughts or feelings because the boy has 'shields'. When Jake
trusts his cousin enough, they will Share but it still won't
grant Jes access to past memories like he can Delve into from
his former self or Mike's because of their Connection. Mike
can't Glean Jake (for past memories) unless the boy allows it.
No way for now! Jake would feel the attempt by Mike so he
won't attempt it. People like Fr. McMillan and Winna aren't
shielded and when they know about Jake's secrets, Mike could
know from Gleaning them so that's why I had Jes scold Mike
about NOT doing that anymore to people and Elder Quiet-before-
the-dawn scolded Mike earlier not to Glean family members.
Jake may very well keep his secret from M&J until their return
from their honeymoon.
Jake was born with the ability to Glean people. It's not as
strong as Mike's bundle spirit given ability. This is how Jake
can 'read' people to know their likes/dislikes and inner self
instinctively which he's put to his advantage. That's how Jake
pleases his johns by giving them what they want even if they
couldn't voice it to him. Jake can read people and fears it
being done to him. That's the reason for his 'mask'. He is two
different people; what he wants people to see and who he is
inside. We all wear similar masks but Jake's is more practiced.
M&J won't be getting too many glimpses inside this boy during
the visit. He has much to hide from them! Even when Winna and
the Father know about his prostitution, M&J won't know. His
aunt keeping the secret from M&J will bind Jake to her.
I plan on LOTS of sex in the H series (it IS M&J's honeymoon
after all, and they both share with others in the tribe!). Not
much sex in NtTL of late for obvious reasons. Jake is proving
to be quite a handful for M&J, and Winna. I have written an
erotic dream of Mike's about Jake! An enhancement of their
earlier wrestle where Mike wakes up startled to be thinking
that way for the boy after hating him so much. Yup. There will
be a difficult scene for you to take where Mike thinks about
all the bad things Jake has done and all the trouble he's put
them through after saying 'no' to Winna. I want to polish part
16 some more, add that after pizza talk (using your suggestions)
and write that DINNER scene where Jake blows Winna off.
Our Jake Outline is very revealing. Without having to see Jake
through Mike's perception, it's not wonder that Khasidi would
make that comment about not finding Jake as interesting in
NtTL from what he's read in the outline. Dahhh. Also, not that
many story parts have been written yet about Jake. I sure hate
readers sometimes who don't realize how difficult it is to
actually WRITE a story where they just ease back and read in
an hour what takes me days or weeks to compose!
My writing 'style' betrays my lack of professional skill in said
art. I wasn't being entirely truthful with Khasidi when I
claimed his numerous corrections in NtTL part 15 were rejected
due to their incompatibilty with the way I write. He was right.
I do use too much passive voice when I should be more direct.
I am glad for the grief he's given me. Winna will have a 'life'
beyond being a mother due to his comment of such. I'll be more
conscious of how I write due to his sharp critique. Khasidi
has too much time on his hands to be editing my stories, don't
you think? I'm glad that he'll be putting his skills to
composing a story of his own. Yes. I've heard of 'slash'
stories before such as where Capt. Kirk and Spock have a gay
relationship in a book I'd glimpsed when I was eleven
attending a Star Trek convention. Yuk! Why does Khasidi want
to 'copy' someone else's characters when he should write a new
original story of his own? Different strokes for different
folks, I suppose. That took me for a turn when Khasidi said
that he's not written stories himself! Where did he pick up
that skill? He'll discover that it's much harder to write from
scratch than to 'correct' another's writing. I wish him lots
of luck.
Jake is meant to be 'left out' of M&J's mind conversation. I
wanted this to be accute to the boy. I'll review the scene in
question to see if I can get some more verbal interaction
between all three of them though.
Jes is SHY in front of his cousin where the sexual function of
his body is concerned. That's just one of his perculialities.
He'll be riding all the cock in Montana, as Khasidi put it,
but where Jake's peeking on his hard 'thing' is concerned...
Jessie can be rather shy.
Jes tried reaching out to his cousin with his 'hand'. Rejected.
The boy needs to trust more but FEAR of his dirty secrets
becoming known to M&J prevents that, for now.
I had to come up with a sport Jake would be good at. His
muscle building pointed me towards wrestling. He would want to
prove how 'strong' and 'manly' he is to Mike by wrestling him.
Sure pisses Mike off. He gets wet in the end, too. I am
keeping in mind your earlier comment that 'Love and hate are
only different sides to the same coin'. I'm setting up
unconscious sexual tension/attraction between these two.
No. Jake won't dare stick/tickle into Mike's asshole during
their wrestle though I've enhanced an earlier scene where Jes
is tipping into Mike when holding him from behind and Jake
comes up to 'look', asking if his cousin is fucking Mike. Jes
fibs when he said, 'No. Just holding my lover.' Jake did NOT
intend to cum on Mike. He's not jacked off in a few weeks
after learning about his mother's death, their wrestling was
fierce and sensual. Jake did what comes naturally to a horny
teenage when naked with a guy - 'Cum happens' as Mike puts it.
Wasn't that nice of Mike not to use that against Jake where he
could have really rubbed it in?
Mike turned away to look at the pond when Jake was crying with
his lover. Mike still doesn't connect to the boy and has issues
with him yet to be dealt with.
I'll see about lightening up on Jessie's nagging of Mike. It
is wearing on Mike that his lover is always right and trying
to keep his feet set on the good red road. We'll see in part
16 where Mike drives Jes and Winna to the school Friday
morning but he remains in the truck because he's tired of
Jake's abuse of him (remember, Jake had said 'no' to Winna
last night). Jessie lets Mike sulk in the truck instead of
scolding him or asking him to come along for another visit
with Jake. You'll have wait to read what I mean.
8/23/05 Luke wrote:
I'm curious that even if Jessie touches Jake, he cannot Look
in if Jake has shields up. I thought that Jessie could just
read whatever was there. I thought that the shields only
worked if Mike or Jake tried to Glean something.
Back to Jake's Gleaning - do you think he will develop this
once he gets with Grandfather? That is, can he take this
innate skill and perfect it with training? It seems like he
should be able to do this but I don't know for sure. As an
adolescent Jake is still developing in every way. He's not
just still developing physically but also psychologically,
emotionally, intellectually, and also in terms of himself as
an Indian including whatever internal skills he has from birth
like Gleaning. One of the problems with physically developed
teenagers like Jake is that people expect them to also have
the internal development of an adult which they do not yet
have. It's like having an immature kid inside when your
outside looks very mature. Thus, the play in the skinny
dipping scene including Jake's cumming on Mike's ass is
exactly what an adolescent would do. "Oops! I didn't mean to
do that" you can almost hear Jake saying.
I'm glad that you're going to put lots of sex in the H series
and also in the next parts of NtTL. I like your sex scenes as
I've told you often before!
When you do your "saying 'no' to Winna" scene, please try to
give Jake some ambivalence when he says that because that's
how he's going to feel. Maybe he doesn't want to leave his
Rosebud School home plus Dr. Karl and his prostituting
activities, but he still will feel a powerful pull to his new
family. It's all just too fast for him. After all, he didn't
learn about his Montana family until just before their
arrival. It would take anybody a while to adjust. So that
when Fr. McMillan does tell Jake what he knows and what he
suspects, Jake will swing to the other side of his ambivalence
and agree to go back to Montana with the family. He won't go
happily but he doesn't need to go so angrily. Mostly I
imagine that he will feel sad and depressed. Also he will
probably feel ashamed that Fr. McMillan and Winna know about
his prostitution activities. He, like most of us, will
probably emotionally regress under this kind of stress and be
looking for soothing and comfort. He probably cannot get it
from Winna since he knows that she knows about the
prostitution activities. Hopefully he will be able to get it
from Dr. Karl. I also think that if he is upset enough, maybe
he can confide in Jessie and/or let Jessie "read" him. Maybe
he would feel "Fuck this. Everybody knows. What do I have to
lose? Just let Jessie know too." My own thought is that
Jessie would immediately Mind Tell Mike and that the two of
them would talk it out with Jake and let him know that they're
not going to reject him because of this. In fact, maybe they
could let him know that they understand better than he thinks.
Your writing style is fine. Don't worry about the "lack of
professional skill". Your following in terms of your stories
is proof of that. Also you have gotten more skilled as you've
gone along in terms of your writing. It you want to write in
the passive voice sometimes, that's fine.
Again, that wrestling scene is terrific. It's a brilliant
idea. I like it a lot.
8/24/05 Vince wrote:
Jake is shielded. I've taken that premise from the Derni
Magic novels where enhanced humans could Read minds, perform
magic, etc. I want his 'secret' to be kept from M&J for now.
Perhaps on that Amtrak ride home, Jake will confide in Jes but
remember, Winna will be there and touch is required between
them. Mike will be busy driving home ALONE so if Jessie knows
about his cousin's prostitution, he won't Tell Mike since he
has to concentrate on the road. We'll see.
M&J's special abilities strengthened by that Spirit inside
them Passed from the Power Bundle. They have abilities, but
not the disipline to fully use them not to mention the
morality of doing so though Mike has been scolded about
Gleaning family and strangers. Jes was born with the ability
to Look into People for their surface thoughts and emotions.
Jake was born with his Gleaning ability that he's been mostly
unconsciously using on people. I agree with your idea that as
an adolescent, he will grow in Power and learn how to use his
gift. Grandfather will help him. I'm thinking that Jake will
get better at Directed Gleaning and discover he's able to
Glean animals - know how they're feeling, etc. and thus become
very good with horses.
In answer to one of your old questions about Jake - No, he
isn't a reborn spirit or rather, I should say that he won't
recall former memories or self. We're all reborn spirits but
don't remember. Him being able to Glean is enough for his
character. I don't want to fall in that writer's trap of
'enhancing' characters with new Powers or abilities. That's
what happened to Willow Bird.
Don't worry. I won't depict Jake blowing off Winna rudely.
He'll give lots of reasons why he wants to stay at his school:
"I still have three weeks to this semester, have a wrestling
match coming up, two more years before I graduate..." etc.
Jake will be feeling pretty lost by Sunday. That's where Jes
can really help the boy on their trip back to Havre. They're
cousins of nearly same age. Winna will seem too much like a
mother he's never really had to feel comfortable to confide in,
especially after she KNOWS about his activities. Jes is a good
listener.
Thanks for your nice comment about my writing skill. I didn't
intend to become a 'professional writer' but to simply write
stories about Indian boy sex for my own satisfaction. I'm
slowly getting there with the technical skill but I'm proud of
my imaginative abilities to come up with interesting story
plots, twists, and the sex scenes. I too miss the latter in
recent NtTL story parts. That's Jake's fault. Yup. Blame it on
the teenager but once he gets back to Havre and Jessie goes
off for shaman training.
9/5/05 Luke wrote (when commenting about part 16):
I really like the exchange between Jessie and Mike when Jessie
tells Mike that he can learn something about "losing himself
in nothingness". That's very nice and very true. Nice addition.
I like the addition of Mike's out loud comment "yum". That's
great. And very sexy and suggestive. I like the self-reflection
on Mike's part that Jake knows that Mike has a preference for
Indian boys and Jake is a prime example of one of those! This
whole chapter as you have augmented it has created a kind of
sexual energy between Mike and Jake which is really neat. I
hope Mike can get over his "do not have sex with a relative"
issues and that he and Jake can eventually get it on somehow.
I know they have already to a certain extent during the
wrestling but I hope that more can occur as in Mike's dream!
Jessie's comment to Jake where he says "I'd like us to. We
don't know each other well but I'd like to, cousin." This is a
very caring statement and a very clear reason for the "game".
It's an invitation to Jake that he partially accepts. I hope
that eventually he will take Jessie's hand and really get to
"know" the two of them.
You describe Jake as "panting"! That's quite a descriptive
word and really shows his level of excitement over all this.
Jake's defensiveness is clear by his "sex, sex, sex" comments.
That's clearly what he's grown to expect and may be what he
also wants. His constant reminders to them that he's fucked a
girl are interesting. Mike has accurately picked up, I think,
that who Jake has fucked have been men. He has probably fucked
a girl just to prove that he can and he's certainly sexy and
seductive enough. Anyway, I like "panting".
Your description of Jessie's hand "pulling over that pink
dick" is nice. Again, nice use of sexy words.
I like where Mike tells Jake "A tongue can do that by pushing
spit in." Very clear. Very straightforward. And also very
sexy. Who knows what Jake actually knows about butt fucking?
Maybe he's always used some kind of lube. Or maybe he's just
spit on his cock before insertion. Or maybe the "john" has
sucked him, gotten his cock slick, and then Jake stuck it in.
Who knows what he knows about rimming. Probably clients have
wanted to rim him. Maybe he's rimmed a client. What do you
think?
I LOVE the wrestling sequence with Jake cumming onto Mike's
back. You've really done that well.
I like the discussion where the boys have a discussion with
Jake about "Indian stuff". Jake's clarity about the fact that
he's not been able to join in the ceremonies because he's
Sioux is true and very interesting to hear.
I really like the addition of Jake being noticed by the man
as he gets into his Lexus. Clearly he is one of Jake's
clients although most readers, I guess, wouldn't know this
because they wouldn't know yet about Jake prostituting
activities. Nice addition.
The offer by Fr. McMillan of the computers is done very well.
I like that sequence. It makes perfect sense. Also it leads
right up to Winna asking Jake to return to Montana with them.
Clearly Jake is at a loss for words at having "his" computers
so summarily offered to Mike for the Blackfoot.
And then the conversation about the offer to Jake by Winna
followed by his refusal is well done. You have written it
well in terms of showing how shook up Jake is and how shocking
and upsetting it is to suddenly be faced with the prospect of
leaving the school - his only home for most of his life. In
addition it seems to me that all the "gay" talk between the
boys and Jake must also give him a lot of food for thought.
The prospect of living with these two guys and feeling as he
does (conflicted) about his own sexual orientation and
interest would also lend to his refusal of Winna's invitation.
Your description of the truck ride back to the motel as being
"deathly silent" is also very well written. Did Jessie end up
going to his mother's room and spending the night with her? I
wasn't clear about that. Somehow I had the impression that
they remained sitting in the truck although it would make
perfect sense that they would have gone into her room. Mike's
anguish and anger (punching the bed) is well done. It shows a
very human side of Mike.
And I really like the dream Mike has about himself and Jake.
That's really hot. I hope that Mike can actually have Jake
"into his hole" sometime in the future.
So this is a great chapter. It is noticeably more human and
more sexy. You've done a good job with it.
9/6/05 Vince wrote:
I want you to be happy with my portrayal of Jake. These latest
NtTL parts depict his birth in the series that I'm depending
on you heavily to properly raise the boy. Eventually, I'll
take over full Guardianship of Jake once he's settled in
Havre. Then you can sit back and enjoy reading a completed
story part instead of bits and pieces requiring your input.
I am setting a sexually charged situation between Mike and Jake.
It's Jes who considers it taboo to have sex with a family member.
As we've seen, Mike has been 'working through' Jessie's family
by having sex with RW and HFO. Why not Jake, too? My dream
sequence for Mike has now made him consciously aware of that
possibility. He'd promised Jes not to jump his cousin. Jake
has already 'jumped' Mike! You once told me that love and hate
are only different sides to the same coin. Their hostility and
competiveness belie their attraction to each other. It won't
be until the 'New to Love Shaman' series where I'll write
about Mike and Jake getting it on. Please be patient!
Per our Outline, Jake has experience with getting rimmed by
clients but NOT allowing them to fuck him. He has lubed up
men's butts to fuck them with a condom. He's had boys fuck him
(such as Charlie) in his early teens but thinks it's not a
manly thing to allow. He'll prove to be a 'top' with Mike.
Yes. Another reason why Jake didn't want to go live with Winna
was because he feared M&J finding out about his own gay life,
unconsciously, and in denial. When Winna learns about him
prostituting himself to men! That will be a wake up call for
Jake that he is gay in the eyes of Fr. McMillan telling him so!
Ms. Klein will reveal to M&J that Jake needs their help to
accept his sexual orientation. (Nothing about prostitution).
That's why neither batted an eye at dinner when Jake blurted
out that Mike sleeps in Winna's son's bedroom.
9/8/05 Luke wrote:
I am happy with the portrayal of Jake. Thanks for being so
solicitous with me about being sure that's the case. I'm glad
that Mike and Jake will get together sexually even though it
will be in the next series. Yes, I do feel that they are
attracted to each other. It's certainly OK with me if Jake
is only a "top" with Mike but I think it would be much more
interesting, when the time comes, for Jake to also allow Mike
to fuck him. Maybe it could be done in the context of another
wrestling match but this time where Mike gets on top of Jake
and pins him with his hard cock in Jake's crack. Maybe Jake
would "submit" to getting fucked by Mike while really allowing
and liking it to happen without having to specifically admit
it. He's been fucked before by Charlie so it won't be
completely new to him. Another possibility would be that Mike
and Jake could talk about it ahead of time. Like Jake asking
Mike "you mean you'd let me fuck you for real?" or something
like that. And Mike responding that he would do that if Jake
would allow him to fuck Jake. Jake would, of course, object
("I only top.") but Mike talk to him about Jake's fear of
getting fucked and promising to take it very easy and be sure
Jake isn't hurt. Jake might do it as proving that he can "take
it" just like Mike can. The danger here is that this "other
side of the coin" phenomenon would come into play and Mike &
Jake might be flooded with very positive, loving, erotic
feelings for each other. That might cause problems between
Mike and Jessie. Oh well, you've got lots of time before any
of this comes up.
I like your plan about Mike getting more thoughtful and
losing himself in the tranquility of the wind in the pine
trees. I like that Charms A Bird being able to reach out to
Mike and give him a much needed "hug". As you know, I hoped
that the boys could have Charms A Bird available for as long
as he is alive to help them on their journey with each other.
I'm glad that Mike is going to loosen up with guys too -
including his asshole!
9/9/05 Vince wrote:
Thanks for assuring me that I'm doing alright with portraying
Jake. He is a complex nut that M&J won't crack right away. I
really want to keep his prostitution with men from being known
in NtTL though Readers know from the Outline. There are 51
members to my Group now. I suspect there are MANY more who
only read my stories from the Nifty Archive so they don't know
about Jake.
I have worked out in my head Friday morning's going ons with
Jake, only some of which you know about (restroom scene where
Mike overhears Jake's accusation of Dr. Karl about That letter)
but won't ruin the other surprises by blahhhh it to you now.
I hope to have that section of text written by Friday evening
and posted with my Group, and emailed to you. Check Saturday
morning for it.
I've already responded to Khasidi's posting with my Group. His
claim of my 'playing dirty' sure came as a surprise. Perhaps
my 'dark side' description of where he's coming from wasn't
appreciated in the context of what I meant about him. He's had
over a week to review my Dedication and offer an objection. He
didn't until the final version was posted. Anyway, do read my
response posting.
Right now, my obsession is with story writing. That allows my
tremendous creativity and need of expression to come out. I
don't see myself as a great technical writer (Khasidi has sure
proven that to be so) yet I do spin a good yarn that's held
Reader interest (beyond the yummy sex parts). His story is
technically worded properly and I'm in awe of his ability of
expression but I think he lacks the ability to interest others
in what he has to say. Great writers can do both. That's why
they have become a success. That's not my goal. I want to
write stories that satisfy ME and if others like them - great.
I will likely finish the NtTL series with Jake returning to
Havre by part 20. My H series will become the 3rd series,
retitled 'New to Love Honeymoon' with 20 story parts of its
own. M&J have a LOT to do in 1891. Upon their return to 2003,
'New to Love Shaman' will become the 4th series. They'll marry
each other at its beginning, Jes goes off for shaman training
and Mike gets a lot of time to be with Jake during the summer
before he goes off to school.
Mike will be more liberated towards sex in the 4th series so
he won't have a problem with fucking Jake. I'll keep your
ideas in mind and review after the H series is completed.
Don't worry about Mike & Jake getting too intimate emotionally.
Jake will come to accept being gay and that feelings can be
expressed physically. The boy will be ready to be with Dr.
Karl after his 'training' by Mike. That's how Jes was ready to
find Mike after Ron taught him.
9/12/05 Vince wrote:
I need your help with filling in the {BLAHH?} parts such as a
description for Karl, what Ms. Klein wears, what Fr. McMillan
says to Jake right before they leave for court, etc.
Know that Mike gets it wrong as to what he believes That letter
said. It wasn't about Dr. Karl but the boy's prostitution that
Jes now has strong suspicions about and keeping from Mike. Did
you pick up on my hints to Readers?
9/17/05 Vince wrote:
I've checked our Jake Outline and didn't find any descriptions
for Karl. You did mention he had three kids that I brought
down to two (those teen girls of his) in part 17 NtTL. Note
their ages. That's so Karl won't find it as hard to divorce
his wife had his girls been younger kids. PLEASE provide me
with the physical descriptions for Karl. All I said was that
he was a bit taller than Mike - he'll be a match in height for
Jake and therefore be of proper stature as 'Dad' for the boy.
I've written more to part 17 but await your help to fill in
the {....} areas in the text. Do you have any suggestions to
enhance that restroom scene between Karl and Jake? That man
wouldn't admit that he's in love with Jake to Mike during
their discussion. You can understand why he'd be reluctant to
admit anything to Mike at this time. Sunday will be a
revealing day as you can imagine!
9/28/05 Luke wrote:
Now to comments on part 17:
Overall, I like what you have done with it. The one thing that
surprised me was Jake saying to Mike that "I'm his boy..... He
messes around with me and I get money for it." Clearly he's
telling Mike that he's prostituting himself, right? Even
though Mike doesn't yet know the extent of what's been going
on, Jake is certainly telling Mike about at least part of his
relationship with Karl, right? I'm not criticizing your
addition of this material. I'm just surprised. And, pleased, I
guess, because it's opening Jake's "door" just a little more
until he's able to let Mike Glean him or Jessie Read him and
they both find out about "everything".
You have three {........}. In the first of these you want to
describe how Dr. Karl is dressed. Since he has come from his
office to the school I would guess that he's dressed casually
in whatever he would wear under his white lab coat which is
what he probably wears at his office. Since Mike did not know
that he was a doctor until somebody told him later, clearly
Dr. Karl is not dressed "as a doctor". So I would say he is
dressed in a white shirt, conservative tie, dark slacks, and
"sensible" shoes-that is, not sneakers but tie, leather shoes
with wide toes that look like they'd be comfortable wearing
them all day. He would not be wearing a suit jacket. He is
probably going to stop by the local hospital on his way back
home to do rounds of any of his patients who are in the
hospital.
Then you start to describe Dr. Karl. I've always thought of
him as a tall, muscular-tending-to-be-heavy, guy of German
background. I have pictured him about 6'1", dark blond hair
parted on the side, maybe about 200 pounds, looking muscular,
handsome but not "pretty", looks directly at you when you're
talking to him so you get the impression that he is really
listening to you. He looks very "masculine". He would look
like the kind of guy who somebody would look to for a
"father". Although Mike wouldn't know this unless he saw him
pissing, I've also thought of him as having an average sized
cock - about 6 inches, circumcised - and with a moderately
hairy body. I've always thought that Jake would have a larger
cock than Dr. Karl and that would be a source of both teasing
and mutual pleasure for the two of them. Maybe Mike startles
him while he's standing at the urinal trying to pee but not
peeing yet because he's thinking about what just happened
between him and Jake. Maybe he is startled by Mike's sudden
appearance and turns around to face Mike with his cock clearly
visible. Mike would certainly notice it and tell Jessie about
his cock size.
Later, you start to describe Dr. Karl's facial features: As I
started to say above, he is a masculine looking guy. He's
attractive but not pretty. Nobody would ever peg him as being
gay. I think of a "typical" German-American when I picture
him. He's tall and muscular as described above. In terms of
his facial features, he has blue eyes, dark blond hair, fair
skin, nice mouth, conservative haircut, and looks like a
handsome man in his early 30s. He might be a bit wind blown
when Mike meets him since he rushed over here and then had
that encounter with Jake.
You asked what does Fr. McMillan say to Jake. He might say
something like: "Well, Jake, you're going to be going to court
with Ms. Klein, Mr. Evans, and your Aunt Winna to do the
paperwork to allow her to take you back with her to your
family in Montana. This shouldn't take too long. I'll look
forward to seeing you all when you get back. I hope everything
goes smoothly." To Ms. Klein, he might say "And I'll be in my
office all afternoon so if you need me, just give me a call on
my direct line. Good luck!"
It is interesting to me that Ms. Klein and Fr. McMillan both
think that Jake is gay based on finding out that he is selling
himself to guys for money. That, in itself, does not make him
gay. It makes him a prostitute. We know that he is, in fact,
gay but their assumption is a reach.
Also a doctor would not just wipe his hand across is shirt
before shaking hands if he had just handled his cock. He would
wash his hands with soap and hot water. Doctors are "big" on
that kind of cleanliness.
9/29/05 Vince wrote:
I am glad that you have helped me with most of the {...}
sections in the story text.
I've incorporated Karl's descriptions given me into part 17.
You have not been visiting my Yahoo! Group where several
revisions have been posted - lots of polishing from what
you've read and scene enhancements otherwise you would have
read how Fr. McMillan didn't say anything to Jake but just
gave him a much needed hug. I still need your help with an
outstanding {....} in the text. It's a description for how
Ms. Klein is dressed smart. How would she be dressed for court?
Please see if my description for Karl meets with your approval.
No. Mike doesn't see the man's cock because he was only
pretending to stand in front of the urinal in the hope of
avoiding that 'stranger' who overheard his conversation with
an angry Jake. Karl has to be in his late thirties for having
two girls aged 19 and 17. The Outline mentioned three kids by
you but to keep the man's age from hitting forty, that's why
he has only two kids and their nearing adult age will make it
that much easier for him to divorce his wife. Karl marrying
young (at 18?) to do the 'right thing' when he got his girl
pregnant added to his older girl's age of 19 (plus pregnancy)
puts Karl's age in his late thirties; not early 30's as you
had wanted. Sorry.
Jake feared that Mike had overheard too much in the restroom
and had Gleaned Karl for their 'secret'. That's why he angrily
blurted out what he did. It didn't reveal that Jake has been
prostituting himself with other men you'll notice. That dirty
secret is still desperately being kept by Jake.
I've not gotten much feedback to part 17. TryMe asked me to
clarify the 'double mirror' scene where M&J Show Jake himself.
I assured TryMe that Jake still isn't ready to accept that
he's gay or reveal that he's been prostituting himself with
other men. Grandfather will be helping the boy with this. I
want Jake to come to trust M&J first. It will be a gradual
process with bits and pieces of his inner self coming out. I
plan for a nice picnic scene with Winna, M&J and Jake on
Saturday afternoon after the boy has finished his tests that
will graduate him from 10th grade. We'll see more of Jake
coming through.
Fr. McMillan and Ms. Klein have figured out that Jake is gay
not only because of That letter but in consideration of other
behavior the boy has shown through their years of contact with
him. Them nude posters on Jake's bedroom wall, for instance.
The Father has heard things from his Brothers about Jake
messing around with the other boys in his early teen years.
Rumors and such. And with Jake acting so masculine and denying
that he's gay (especially in that meeting with Winna and
himself Friday morning), it only makes them suspect he is but
in denial. That's why Ms. Klein is glad M&J are gay so they
can help the boy deal with it.
Oh. In the revised version you have yet to read, Mike Tells
Jes that he's figured out (without Gleaning Ms. Klein) that
That letter must have said that Karl was having sex with Jake
and by having Winna taking the boy home with her, it will
solve the crisis facing the school since they won't no longer
be seeing each other. Jessie's reply to Mike is interesting.
He just says 'maybe that's so' but suspects it's something
else (prostitution). His belief is strengthened after Jake
teased Mike about paying him $200 to find out if his butt is
still tingling. Note how Jes didn't laugh to his cousin's joke
on Mike and he guarded his thoughts from Mike about what the
boy had revealed to them though Mike didn't catch it.
Do read part 17 and comment. I plan for Winna to return to her
motel room to sleep later that afternoon. Jake will remain at
the school to study up for his tests the next morning. M&J
will enjoy a night out on the town as a couple. They really
haven't 'dated' so this gives them the opportunity to enjoy
some clothed time together.
Guardianship of Jake transfers to Winna at 12 noon Sunday.
She'll be keeping the boy's dark secret to herself since
telling M&J (Jake begged her not to!) would shame him. They
already know he's gay so Winna doesn't need to let them know
about the boy's prostitution. That will end by taking Jake
away from Rosebud. On Sunday, Mike will discover that his
thinking about That letter was wrong when Winna is friendly
with Karl after church service and accepts the man's offer to
drive them to the Amtrak station. Too much will be happening
that early afternoon for Mike to reconsider what that letter
was really saying about Jake. He's got computers to get into
the back of his truck and a long drive alone ahead of him.
Jake has to pack.
9/30/05 Luke wrote:
Ms. Klein would probably be dressed "professionally casual"
since she is in a school away from a big city and is also
called on to teach classes when teachers aren't there. So
she's probably dressed in a nice blouse, slacks, shoes with
low heels, and maybe something over the blouse like a vest or
something like that. Since she is going to see the judge, she
would obviously not be "dressed down" in jeans or something
like that. She would definitely NOT be wearing a dress or
shirt. Professional women these days almost never wear skirts
or dresses.
10/11/05 Vince wrote:
I am satisfied with how I've depicted Jake. He really is a
hard nut to crack! A typical teenager who knows everything
(so he thinks) but knowing not much at all. It's like he's
stuck in a familiar comfortable place in his life and is
resisting change that is going to happen by going home with
Winna. I'm more determined than ever to prolong Jake's
mistrust of M&J in that he won't accept their help or talk
about things, especially his prostitution just yet since he's
been shamed in front of Fr. McMillan and Aunt Winna when they
learned of it and confronted him during that Friday morning
talk. Their Saturday afternoon picnic in Ghost Hawk Park will
prove to be a real writing challenge for me. I want Jake to
have fun with his aunt, M&J and have some talk between either
of them so Readers will get to know more of Jake without the
boy spilling the beans. Any suggestions on what talk could be
had between Jake with Winna, M&J would help! Perhaps he'll
tell them about his mom (prostituting? drugs? - probably not)
though Winna knows that she'd been murdered by a supposed
'boyfriend' (a john) who did drugs with her and the man went
wild with brutal sex and murdering her.
Writing 'New to Love Honeymoon' will mean Jake's absence. I
want to do your character justice by writing what I can in the
remaining NtTL parts. I'm really appreciating your help with
Jake, depiction of his Jesuit school and the characters
running it. I want Church on Sunday to be grand for Jake and
again, I'll be relying on you for Catholic service rituals to
make it authentic. Thanks.
Have you brought up to your partner about perhaps making a
sketch for Jake?
10/26/05 Luke wrote:
I am sorry that you're finding it so hard to write about
Jake. Please consider him "yours" at this point and don't
worry about what I think about him or what you're doing with
him. I really believe it's because you worry about what I want
that is making this so hard. So please "let go" of that and
just write away with your flying fingers! Jake is "set up"
well at this point in the story so he's yours to do with as
you wish!
It is clear that you are really focusing on the relationship
between Mike & Jesse to the exclusion of the "sex" in the
story. Some of your other readers have commented on this. I
don't think it's just because you wanted to introduce Jake.
After all, there was some sex involving Jake with Mike, right?
But it is still true that your latest story parts have been
almost exclusively character development and story development
which didn't include much sex. To that extent you have grown
up from the person who wrote the earlier stories. Young men
are very interested in sex. Middle aged men are much more
interested in relationships.
Yes, you've done a good job depicting Jake. You've described
him as a typical teenager and they do tend to both charm and
enrage adults who deal with them including and especially
their own parents. Incidentally after reading that little bit
about Dr. Karl with Jake and then with Mike, I found myself
longing for more. I realized in reading this how much I guess
I've been identifying with Dr. Karl. Turning Jake over to you
as I have already done parallels what Dr. Karl must feel in
seeing Jake go to Winna and the family in Montana. There is a
feeling of loss and sadness but also of hope and expectation.
In terms of the conversation between Jake, Winna, and M&J at
the picnic in Ghost Hawk Park, I think it's a great idea that
they all get to know Jake better. I can picture them lounging
around on several large spreads finishing off an overly
abundant lunch supplied by whom - the school cafeteria or by
Winna or by M&J or some combination - and just shooting the
breeze with each other. If Winna can keep her mouth shut and
not pepper Jake with questions, it may give him the time and
space to open up a bit more. I think it would be fine for him
to talk about what he remembers about first coming to the
school and of seeing his mother leave. He would have felt
scared and lost. That's the period when Fr. Jerry would have
really taken him under his wing and helped him through this
very difficult period. I also think that maybe Jake is
comfortable enough to tell them what he was probably told by
his mother about his early years of living in Mexico and of
what Jake remembers as a little kid about living with his
mother in Los Angeles. Everybody already knows that she was
killed by a guy to whom she was prostituting herself, right?
So the fact that she prostituted herself and was into drugs
is already "out" and Jake can talk about what he knows.
Remember, he was just a little kid and his memories are going
to be the way a little kid would remember things. I think,
actually, that as he talks about this, Winna may feel more
understanding and forgiving of Jake for the life of
prostitution he was into at the school. You know - he saw his
mother doing it when he was just a little kid and thought it
was the thing to do to make money. Sex as a commodity to be
sold instead of something to give pleasure or express loving.
I think Jake might also tell them something about his
relationship with Dr. Karl. How he met Dr. Karl and what they
did in terms of Dr. Karl being his Big Brother. Obviously he
would not say anything about how they originally met - Dr.
Karl being one of his tricks. He would only talk about Dr.
Karl coming to the school to volunteer and requesting to host
Jake as his Big Brother. That would give him the chance to
talk about Dr. Karl's home, his wife and daughters, and what
they did together in terms of throwing around a football,
visits to some larger city maybe for a weekend to go to the
theater or something like that. Maybe visit a museum. Even
Winna would pick up in listening to him how much he cares for
Dr. Karl and she will be not surprised that Dr. Karl is going
to drive them to the train station.
10/28/05 Vince wrote:
As you've seen from the speed in which parts 17 & 18 were
completed with part 19 nearly half finished (posted on my
Group), I won't have a problem with Jake's picnic scene. I've
some ideas in mind on what that boy is going to share with
Winna, then with M&J alone. Your comment that Winna should
not pepper Jake with questions and give him the time and
space to speak is great. Also, that he'd tell them what he
remembers about his mother in 'child' terms will help me
write that scene. Thanks. You're right in that I'm worrying
too much about depicting a Jake that would please you. I sure
haven't been so far because of the lack of sex the boy is
having (compared to what we wrote in the Outline) but it's
important to show him as a hard nut to crack, a believable
thing given what's happening to Jake right now. He's no simple
'Simon' as I've told you who dropped his pants in front of
Mike to demand some loving. Jake is a long-term investment
that will pay off in dividends and enhance my story later.
Thanks for your compliment about my having grown up some by
showing more of Mike & Jessie's relationship versus just
writing about the sex they have. They'll continue to get it
on together and with other guys!
I am glad that my depictions of Jake so far have been to your
approval. It's been difficult introducing your character but
also to keep him true to a sixteen year old troubled youth he
is. Part 19's picnic scene will prove if I've taken Jake as
my own and I think I'll do just that. My earlier depictions
were brief and almost afraid of him! I'll get over my shyness.
PLEASE NOTE:
Only those exerpts about Jake are included here from my
correspondence with Luke. We talk about other things that are
private so that's why our letters may appear to begin and end
abruptly. I want Readers to see the process of how Jake's
character was developed and continues to do so while I write
him into the NtTL series, and beyond...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of file: JAKEOUT5.TXT As my correspondence with Luke
Folder: A-STORY-OUTLINE-FOR-JAKE continues, it'll be recorded in
JAKEOUT6.txt (not yet written).