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* "NEW TO LOVE" *
* (part 10) *
* by Vince Water 9/03 *
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| Copyright 2002-2006 by Vince Water Corrected 3/06 |
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One-white-horse is at the sink cleaning the dishes after his guests left.
He wasn't part of our meeting (a powwow, I correct myself when thinking in
Indian terms) but he came in afterwards to serve a light meal to everyone.
None of the troubles facing me were discussed in his presence. In fact,
hardly anyone spoke. Yet deep lines of worry were in evidence on the Elders'
faces. Hawk-swooping-down almost looked naked without his police uniform.
Jesse has turned shy after his outburst in council. I'm sure that none of
this was lost on our host.
I hear the plates clinking when they're placed in the drying rack. I'm
watching this Indian's fluid movements of arms bending, his elbows sticking
out then receding when a mug is lifted from the soapy water and rinsed,
wiped with the towel and set to dry with the other dishes. There's a calm
repetition to his act. A soothing expectation of hearing the water run for
a moment, a swishing of the hand towel and clinking. The man's long hair
dances along his back. That often leads my eyes down to his butt. I'm trying
not to look because Jesse will catch me staring at his uncle or know of my
interest by Peering in my head. I force my thoughts in another direction.
About the troubles I'll be facing tomorrow...
I'll be meeting with a lawyer in the morning. Quiet-before-the-dawn said
that Mr. Talbert is more experienced with criminal law than himself and he
will be handling my defense. Is Mr. Talbert white? I'm half hoping that he
is since that gives me confidence that he'll get me out of all this trouble
that I'm in. Not that I'm discriminating against Indians. The Elder is well
learned in his profession by the way he asked me questions about my run-in
with those two police officers but he didn't offer me any advise. I hope
that Mr. Talbert will. He's going to accompany me to the Havre Police
Department when I surrender myself tomorrow. I'm dreading that.
I'm scolding myself. I have this evening with Jesse and don't want to
ruin it by thinking about my troubles! A deep breath is taken. My mind
clears. I Reach out for my lover and am comforted by his Presence as if he
were holding me in his arms. I'm closing my eyes. Another breath fills my
lungs. Calm returns to me. We are always going to be together. My eyes open
and I peer lovingly at Jesse from across the room. The worry on his face
changes to a smile.
One-white-horse draws my attention when he spreads his towel over the
dish rack to dry. What a small butt on him. A boy's shape and I'm sure his
is a nice brown. When the man bends over to rinse his mouth out in the sink,
that gets his rear end to stick out. Not much to look at through the seat of
his pants. I'm noticing again how long his legs are. His arms, too. He looks
even more like a scarecrow than Running Water, caused by them both having
Marfan's. This Indian is thinner, like Jesse. But unlike the other family
members that I've met, this man isn't gay. I didn't sense anything like that
in him. Hawk Flying Over comes to mind. Hmm. I'm not sure of him in spite of
our touching in the hot tub and what we shared on the landing platform. He's
my friend. Simply that. There's no need to discover if he's like me or to
force the issue. He'll come to terms with himself on his own.
I tear my eyes from One-white-horse's ass. It's wrong to look at him that
way. I'm turning to my lover in the room. Jesse is sitting over a trunk. No
sign in him that he knows what I've been staring at. I'm relieved. His is a
wondrous gift but sometimes, I need to have a private place in my head where
no one will intrude. Some of my thoughts are unworthy and it would embarrass
me if Jesse Heard them.
There's a stirring in me from Christopher. A parade of sweet memories
that I allow to flow through my head. He'd enjoyed playing with his younger
Indian friends who went about naked in summer. Their sun-kissed bodies were
nice to look upon and enjoyed under the guise of exploration that boys do.
They were eager to perform male relief acts. Even youths who could only
experience dry thrills their poles gave them. Christopher didn't feel he was
betraying his love for Owopspec. He kept himself from having sex with men
because that would be wrong (to him). His brave lover was often giving his
butt to needing braves and warriors. As a proven warrior, Owopspec ritually
stuck into men to protect them in battle against the blue-coats because his
medicine protected them from being killed. Seeing his lover with other men
arose jealousy in that youth. He couldn't come to terms with those bad
feelings. Marrying Shirt-for-man added guilt to an already confusing
situation. That tainted Christopher's relationship with Owopspec.
I shake my head to empty it of those past memories. Christopher shows how
much a mixed-up kid he was. His strict Christian upbringing, the times that
he lived in (where there was no talk of gay pride or sexual freedom) along
with him being a teenager explains why he suffered so much confusion and
doubt. I'm glad to have been reborn in more tolerant times. I've learned
the difference between having sex with a man and loving him. Running Water
comes to mind. What we shared. But... maybe he is a kind of lover to me. I
quickly turn my thoughts to Hawk Flying Over. He's probably not gay in spite
of what we did together. That's what I meant about having sex versus love.
Christopher really felt threatened by men. Telson took advantage of him
by only offering him sexual relief; not love. And that new soldier at the
fort had sent him running from that guard platform when showing an interest
in him. He couldn't deal with being with more than one man at a time. Boys
were only playing around with him but men... They threatened his sense of
what love was by their adult act. I've come to terms with that myself,
though slowly. There are nice men in Jesse's family who showed me how.
One-white-horse is nice to look upon. I can't stop staring at his little
boy butt that I'd love to check out. I'm scolding myself. Not all Indians
are gay! Yet it blows my mind that I've seen some of them fully naked, even
embracing sex with them. I'm swallowing hard. I'm dreading to Hear something
from Jesse in response to what I've been thinking. I give him a shy grin.
I pat the bed beside me but Jesse lowers his eyes from mine. He won't
join me, probably because his uncle is in the room. Pain pierces my heart
like an arrow. Aren't we going to be together tonight? I release a trembling
breath, calm my thoughts and Send Jes-ee-ah my plea. :Will we be sleeping in
this bed?:
:I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't because my uncle will be in the room.:
We remember grandfather's warning to us. That we must not be together this
night or to even touch! so that we won't be tempted to utterly Join. I think
that danger has passed. Jesse does too but we'll honor our grandfather's
wishes. For this night. But my heart aches!
:Mine too, love. Remember what grandfather said about learning from our
pain and using it to strengthen ourselves so... that won't happen.:
I release a longing sigh. :We probably won't be together tomorrow night
or the next. Quiet-before-the-dawn doesn't know how long I'll be in jail
until bail is set.: My head hangs with despair.
:I'll be near!:
That troubles me. As much as I need to be with Jesse, to see and hold
him, I'll be sitting in a cell like a trapped animal while he'll be outside
and in danger of facing Eli Kie's wrath when that man discovers the Power
Bundle's spirit has been Passed to us. It's now a lifeless thing without
value to his evil master. They'll turn their anger towards us!
:Don't worry, Mike. I won't be alone.:
Jesse will have his mom with him, likely pleading for her son to return
home with her and end his silly display outside the jail. That's going to be
a source of embarrassment for Winna if he resists. The other Indians will
see my lover pining for me and know about us. I'm startled from my thoughts
when feeling eyes on me. One-white-horse is studying us. How long was he
doing that?
The man's dark eyes come to me. I endure the Indian's long stare from
across the room. Does he regret having us here overnight? What does he think
about Jes-ee-ah and me, if he even knows about us? Grandfather has probably
asked him to keep an eye on us. To not let us be together. A breath explodes
out of me as a silent laugh. If not for this Indian's vigilance, Jesse and
me would be making frantic love in his bed! I close my mouth. Gloom returns
to me. This Indian is going to keep watch over us. At least he can't prevent
our joining thoughts or the wonderful touch of our eyes upon each other.
One-white-horse smiles. I'm surprised, my eyes falling from his that ends
our staring contest. He strides across the room. Jesse stands up when his
uncle gestures his need to get into the trunk. A guitar case is pulled out.
I sense my lover's glee when the man turns to sit over the trunk. He removes
the instrument with Jesse and me coming to sit as his feet.
:My uncle plays really well!:
I'm smiling, hearing the first chords struck that resonate throughout
the room. One-white-horse looks down at the movement of his left hand. I
sneak a glance at Jesse. He smiles back. We listen to the song being played
that proves this man's skill with a guitar. It's a slow soothing melody.
The Indian sits over the trunk like a stone. The only movement comes from
his hands that have captured my eyes on them like tree sap. I'm reminded of
watching Owopspec playing his flute for me - his fingerings over the line of
holes, his draws of breath and the sweet sound that came out of him.
That memory came from Christopher. A sweet one. It's strange how I'm
thinking as two persons in this body. I am in control of it. Yet there are
moments when my... former self comes forth to reveal his memories, thoughts
and feelings. I wonder if Jesse is experiencing this same thing from his
former self?
One-white-horse begins another song. A hauntingly beautiful one coming
from his guitar. I'm mesmerized by his hand, its slow even-paced strumming
whose music fills my head with images of trees, mountains and the vast
stretches of prairie grass dancing in the wind. I think it's an old Indian
song describing the Land their People were One with. Christopher agrees. He
too is in awe of this man's skill with playing a guitar. The Blackfoot of
his time didn't know of it and expressed themselves through drums, flutes
and harsh singing.
Silence fills the room. I'm feeling the urge to clap but don't. Another
song begins and to my surprise, One-white-horse sings with a wonderful voice.
His words are in Siksika. I'm drawing on Jes-ee-ah to understand them that
combines with his memory of having heard his uncle sing this before. The
man's song describes snow-capped mountains that stand guard over the empty
valleys; where have the buffalo gone? Not even the eagles know.
One-white-horse's song ends. My lover wasn't expecting that. I'm looking
at the Indian's face and see the sadness in his eyes. I share in it. From
deep within me, a voice answers this man's plea.
"They will return again. Drawn to tender stalks pushing through the
fire-scorched earth. Look for them in the Rains Come Moon. Soon. They'll
cover the rolling hills and between them like a muddy flood. Our People
will rejoice! They will return."
My mouth closes. Silence. I'm startled, realizing that I was singing or
rather, it was Christopher. The strength of his Presence in me and needing
to assure this troubled Indian proves that youth's love for the People. He
really did try to become a Blackfoot.
One-white-horse lowers his eyes back down to his hands. They strum out a
familiar chord, the song he'd been singing about the buffalo. He finishes it
as Jesse remembers when last hearing him play. It's a rather sad plea.
"I hope to see them again..."
Jesse lifts his shoulders and sings in answer to his uncle.
"They go now but not from our hearts. To the hunt or in battle. They will
come back in triumph or in glorious deeds sung by companions so we won't
ever forget them. We hope to see them again."
I know that came from Owopspec. It's a familiar Departure Song sung by
wives when their men are riding away into the distance.
One-white-horse doesn't look at Jesse. His eyes are cast down at his
brown hands that begin another song. One that isn't so melancholy. He
doesn't sing but his bright chords paint images of happiness and love.
I can almost feel the warm Hand of Father Sun upon our shoulders, smell the
sweet grass and watch the wind blowing through their tall seeded heads
while I'm holding my lover close.
Jesse's elbow brushes against my left arm. I'm turning to him, aching
for us to sit closer together but his dark eyes flare in warning. That hurt!
A deep breath fills my lungs in my attempt to calm myself. I understand why
my lover won't let us touch. The guitar playing tries soothing my pain.
One-white-horse's song ends.
Silence. It's a pleasant moment after a song. My eyes are fixed on the
Indian's brown hands but they remain still over his guitar. He addresses us.
"Both of you sung with such fire in your hearts like it was when there
was an expectation of a wonderful tomorrow as yesterday had been. I didn't
understand some of your old Siksika words but they filled my heart."
Jesse becomes shy. Oh. Was his uncle expecting him to explain where our
singing had come from? I rescue my lover by blurting out, "You sung well!
I've never heard such beauty coming from a guitar before and it made me see
things even without your words to describe them."
One-white-horse nods. "My grandfather has taught me the songs of our
ancestors. I put them to melody with my guitar. A way to bring forth our
past into the present."
A cold shiver runs down my spine. Does he know that Jes-ee-ah and me have
done this same thing from our past lives? The Indian's dark eyes blaze at us.
I think he does.
One-white-horse begins another song. It's a hearty melody that has me
tapping my foot. The Indian smiles, his eyes are bright when he looks at
Jesse and me between stanzas. I think there are words to go with this song
but the man remains silent in voice.
Jesse claps at the song's end so I join him. One-white-horse hugs his
guitar like a lover. What an expression on his face! I've seen (and have
heard) his love for music. He's really skilled with the guitar. That has
me wondering... Is there a special someone in this man's life to complete
him as Jesse has for me?
:I've heard his girlfriend sing to that song he's just played. She's away
at college. Far away from him.:
I nod my head in understanding. I'm glad that One-white-horse has someone
and explains why he didn't sing. "What is her name?" I ask out loud.
"Susan..." A dreamy look fills One-white-horse's eyes.
I'm startled. Is his girlfriend white?
:Yes, love. Don't ask him anything about her because his heart aches from
missing her.:
I glance at Jesse, nodding. One-white-horse looks around the room with a
stone hardness coming to his face. I've seen that Look in an Indian before.
"When Susan comes back, she expects that I'll have an electrical line
hooked up to my house so she can enjoy the modern conveniences of lights,
a place to plug in her hair dryer and watch television." In a small voice,
"I don't need all that."
My eyes drop from the Indian's when seeing the regret in them for having
said that. He'd spoken in English, I realize. It becomes an awkward moment.
My mouth opens. "We all have to make changes in our lives from love."
One-white-horse sighs. "Yes. We do."
I endure the Indian's long stare without flinching. He turns to Jesse
with a weak grin on his face.
"We walk a more difficult path than the others."
I release a sharp breath after what he's said. He knows about us!
"Do you know what you're doing, Mike?"
I'm feeling stung. "Yes! And my name is Short Hair." I've said that in
Siksika to drive my point home.
"I didn't mean to offend," says One-white-horse.
I'm sensing Jesse's scolding. That cools the anger I've felt so I offer
the Indian an apology.
Our attention is drawn to the wood-burning heater by its loud popping.
One-white-horse shows concern. The fire casts an eerie glow over the floor
and a ghostly sigh is heard. He checks on the heater's metal cover. It
appears snug. When he turns to us, a yawn escapes his lips. Jesse begins to
yawn. I clamp my teeth together to prevent myself from being caught up in it.
"Are you ready for sleep?" asks One-white-horse.
Jesse slowly nods. A pang of fear squeezes my heart because that means
this night is coming to an end. Tomorrow will come. I'm really dreading its
arrival.
The Indian returns his guitar to the trunk. From another, he pulls out a
rolled sleeping bag and spreads it over the floor at the foot of his bed.
A pillow is set over it.
"Mike. Ah, Short Hair. I hope you don't mind being put on the floor."
I'm swallowing in my throat, trying to hide my disappointment. "No. I've
slept over at Winna's house a few times on the front room floor." That draws
a sharp look from the Indian. He peers at Jesse.
"Only two of us can fit on the bed," explains Jesse.
I figured that he was going to sleep with his uncle. A way to keep us
from being together this night. I'm dropping to the sleeping bag in defeat.
Its side is unzipped. When my hand reaches in and presses down through the
thin cloth, I realize how hard the floor is going to feel against my back.
At Winna's house, I'd been given two folded blankets to sleep over and her
front room has carpeting. It's like I'm camping out in the wilderness. At
least the room is warm for as long as the wood lasts in the heater.
One-white-horse blows the flame out in a lantern set against the wall. It
turns dark in the room. A dull red glow comes from heater that allows me to
see a little. My eyes search for Jesse. I see him pulling off a shirt but
he's mostly in shadow. An aching fills my heart. We aren't going to be
together tonight!
:I feel your pain, love.:
I'm gasping. :Oh, it hurts to be kept from you!:
:My heart hurts too. It's only going to be for a few nights. Just think
of how wonderful it will be when we can be together again. With our bodies.
We are never really apart.:
That is so. Yet our physical bond is just as important, especially when
we're aching to get naked and fulfill ourselves as lovers. I'm going to be
really horny when Jesse and me can get together in a few days.
I pull my shirt off and consider removing my pants but decide against
it. Hmm. It's warm enough not to be needing to slip into the sleeping bag.
I'll lay over it so the floor won't feel so hard against my back.
A beam of light in the kitchen startles me. One-white-horse is heard
opening the back door and he goes out. I think he's going to the bathroom.
I'm rushing to my feet and grope along the edge of the bed. Jesse meets me
half way. He too realizes that we could steal this moment for a good night
hug! Our arms go around each other with a meeting of bared skin in warmth,
chest against chest with our faces pressed into the other's neck. Ahhh.
"Ne stoa pinnan jeh ah-eene, Jes-ee-ah!" My lips roam up to his left ear
and pull over its small lobe. His long hair tickles my eyes and nose.
"Ah, toa..."
I'm sensing a dark emotion in Jesse. My arms tighten around him, love
swelling in my heart that tries lifting him from his unexpected sadness.
:Jes-ee-ah? Please don't be sad. We rarely get these moments to be alone and
I want to kiss you. Okay?: Our faces come close together. I wet my lips...
We're startled by a beam of light over us. One-white-horse lowers his
flashlight and grunts. Disappointment fills my heart. Then I become angry.
"There's a skunk out there. I'll wait until he's done with his business
before attending to mine. I'm going to set the flashlight down here on the
counter if you need to go in the night."
We've separated while One-white-horse was speaking. Jesse returns to the
bed while I search for my sleeping bag with my feet. I drop down to it with
a tight bulge in the front of my jeans. My lips are still trembling after
being denied a goodnight kiss from my lover. I should have just done it! Who
cares if that man were to see us. Ah, but no. Jesse would likely have been
embarrassed. There's the soft pattering of feet passing by me. I hear the
bed creak under the man's weight, a blanket being pulled across the sheet
then silence. A deep breath is taken to try calming myself. My eyes close.
Yet I'm feeling too intense to even consider going to sleep.
I reach into my jeans to lift my straining dick. No release for it
tonight or for the love swelling in my heart to be given Jesse. I'm left
feeling frustrated. There's such aching in me to be with my lover!
I'm really angry. How can One-white-horse prevent us from being together?
He's not an Elder but a man of our age, maybe even younger. How I long to
hold my lover close, our sweet kisses and the completion of ourselves!
Christopher is also pining to be with Owopspec. I'm feeling this very strong
from him.
We've made a promise to grandfather. He thinks there is still a danger of
us utterly Joining like what happened this morning. I don't think it will
happen but we must respect our shaman's judgment. That appeases Chris. His
urging lessens within me.
My hands reach back and lock beneath my head. I'm feeling the hardness to
the floor against my back. The heater catches my eyes, a dull red glow that
flickers through slits in the metal cover. I'm listening to the soothing
sound of burning wood. Its crackling and long sighs try lifting my spirits.
A stab of fear goes through me. I'm going to jail tomorrow and it's not
for anything I've done wrong! Are the policemen going to beat me up? They
think I've attacked one of their own. I've put Danielson in the hospital but
he deserved it. He was in Jesse's house (illegally) and stormed out with
his gun pointed at my lover. Was he going to shoot us? I know Eli Kie would
have if my neighbor hadn't come with his rifle. We owe Mr. Augusten our
lives! He also prevented the Power Bundle from falling into that man's
hands. Eli Kie is a Trickster. That's something to be scared of because he's
no longer human and has dark powers that I'm unclear about. What I do know
is that he's murdered Ron (and Christopher). I want to see him pay for that.
I try finding a comfortable position over the sleeping bag. My pillow is
too flat to cradle my head properly. It's going to be difficult for me to
sleep tonight. At least I'm a free man (for now). I doubt that I'll get any
sleep in jail. How many nights are they going to hold me until bail is set?
I hear snoring. I'm Reaching out for Jesse but sense that he's asleep.
That's always amazed me. How easily he can do that - in my arms right after
making love or when in an unfamiliar bed. I can't easily get to sleep even
when I'm in my own bed. An hour is needed for me to settle down and that's
why I'm often beating off to tire myself so that I can get to sleep.
My dick has softened. I can still get off between my thighs even when
I'm not hard but I don't have anything to clean up afterwards. That simple
boy's act doesn't compare to releasing in my lover's arms. Will we ever have
a place of our own to be together? I don't want to steal Jesse away from
his mother so she should let me stay at their house. In her son's room.
That's my hope, anyway.
I pull my hands down to my sides. My head settles over the pillow but in
an uncomfortable position. I don't like having my pants on. After pondering
over some concerns about removing them, I'm reaching down to bare myself.
Cool air is felt over my legs. Yet the room is warm enough where I won't be
needing a blanket. I'm using the sleeping bag as ground cover.
My hand slips inside my shorts. I'm pushing my limp cock down and turn
onto my right side to mash it between my thighs. I stretch my legs and relax
them in a familiar rhythm. No sense of pleasure comes from it. I'm feeling
too stressed out to beat off.
I turn onto my back and spread my legs over the sleeping bag. My cock
rests over my balls. Sleeping. And so should I. My eyes close. Troubling
thoughts are kept from entering my head so that I can try getting to sleep.
The shadowy forms of people walk past me. I know they are Indians. Each
brown face is studied but the one I'm looking for isn't found. No one
acknowledges me, not even a morning greeting. I'm feeling lost between two
worlds - red and white. I've tried living in theirs but few accepted me as
one of them. I can't return to my own people. Don't want to. I'm caught
between... That thought startles me. Where is Owopspec to guide me back?
A group of young boys run towards me. I glance at their flopping poles
with a grin. Indian youths go about camp in unabashed nudity even in front
of the girls. I've enjoyed playing along with them in pissing contests,
comparing our sizes (they marveled at my lack of foreskin) and handling each
other for thrills. I spot Necklace-boy and raise my right hand to him in
greeting. The boy looks older. He and his friends don't stop, passing right
through me as if I were a ghost.
A darkness clutches my heart. I realize that there's something wrong
going on here that I'm trying to fathom. Something... happened to me?
I'm struck by lightning! The painful crash in my head leaves me stunned
as if from a tomahawk blow. I groan out. My hands press against the cold
ground in my attempt to rise from my knees. A pair of strong hands come to
my shoulders, pushing me back down. My rear flap is torn from my thong belt.
Pain! I'm crying out but a cold clammy hand covers my mouth. A man is
squatting behind me, his cock sticking inside my butt?!
"Feel my male stabs... eh, white boy?"
Is this Mr. Telson who rapes me? No. That can't be 'cause Owopspec had
killed him for that evil deed. The pounding quickens in my butt. I hear the
man's groans of lust and realize something else through my pain. Those were
Siksika words mocking me!
I fight against my captor but he is strong. A bite to one of the man's
fingers gets him to yelp out like a coyote. The crickets are disturbed from
their nightly song. My face is slapped. Hard. I see stars flashing at the
edge of my sight. The hand returns to my mouth. I'm feeling weak from more
than the pain. It's as if a dark spell has been cast over me.
Who is it that is doing this thing? It must be an Indian. I'm slowly
relenting to his desire at taking me, the brutal joining of our bodies. My
lower was ever gentle. He will avenge this evil deed committed on my person
as Mr. Telson discovered to his ill. The tiny hairs lift at the back of my
neck. Does this man intend to kill me afterwards?
"Yes! I'm striking you with my fleshy blade and after it spits its venom,
you'll feel my flint knife across your neck. My initiation into Darkness
will be completed... Ahhh!"
The man releases a low throaty moan. He has conquered me. His right hand
tightens over my mouth, forcing a lifting of my chin. I cry out! There's a
cold line drawn across my throat. Surprisingly, no pain from it. My breaths
cannot be drawn and I realize what has happened in utter horror.
:Owopspec!: I Cry out in my desperation for him to Hear my thoughts.
:Krist-o-fer? What has happened!:
I awaken with a start. My bad dream is already fading from my head. I'm
looking around, bewildered. Who had called out my name?
My head falls back to the pillow. I sense the dark stillness around me
that reminds me of death. I'm closing my eyes to deny it. Sleep returns.
I awaken early in the morning with the need to relieve myself. The dull
glow of morning is seen through the windows. I sit up. Stretch. My shirt and
pants are pulled on and as quiet as a mouse, I make my way to the kitchen
door. A back glance reveals One-white-horse and Jesse fast asleep under the
covers. They're laying close together over that small bed.
The door creaks when I slip outside. A blast of cold air assaults me,
reminding me that I'm not wearing shoes or a jacket. They've been left at
the front door. I spot an outhouse and head for it.
Relieved, I linger outside to take in the beauty of this land. A vast
stretch of prairie is seen in every direction. The morning sun glistens off
some hills partly covered in snow. I breathe in deeply. I'm glad to be alive.
Spring is soon to come and the People will be following the buffalo herds.
No. They don't do that anymore. I'm realizing how Christopher's memories are
intruding on me more and more. Is that a bad thing?
One-white-horse had sung a sad song about the buffalo. They no longer
range as they've once did in Christopher's time. They were nearly decimated
by white hunters in the late 1800's who shot them for mere sport. Only their
tongues and hides were taken while good meat spoiled under the sun. That's
what finally drove the Plains Indians to Reservations, from hunger and a
loss to their way of life.
I'm turning completely around to look for something. Tipis? I shake my
head to clear it. There's a dirt road leading to the house with a pickup
truck parked out front. No corral of horses. I concentrate on who I am and
where I am. It's the year 2003. No more Indian tipis or buffalo herds to
hunt. I'm Mike Yager! That helps quiet my former self.
I stare at the primitive dwelling before me. It almost looks like a
ceremonial lodge except for the plate windows, a chimney spouting smoke and
the outhouse. One-white-horse's place isn't much to look at. It's no wonder
that his girlfriend wants the place to get hooked up to electricity. It's
the land that draws the Indian to live here. He's said that grandfather will
be turning over his horses to him in summer. He doesn't need a corral to
keep them. They'll have nearly a thousand acres of land to run. No fences
that I can see to hold them back. Free.
I'm startled when a painted brown mare peeks at me from around the house.
She sniffs the wind, head tossing while keeping her eyes on me. I remain
still. There's not even a halter on her. A wild horse? The mare bobs her
head and slowly walks in my direction.
"Come to me, Shadow Walker!"
Startled, I turn to One-white-horse and see his bright face. He's holding
out his hand. The mare circles around me and after much reluctance, comes
closer to eat the sugar cubes the Indian is holding out to her.
Shadow Walker is an old horse. I note the sagging in her back, the sharp
yellowed teeth and a cataract to her left eye. One-white-horse pats her
long neck. He nickers and the horse answers him.
"Do you ride her?" I ask in a whisper so as to not spook the mare.
"Not any more. She's too old. But in my teens we'd shot through the
prairies and climbed half way up that mountain."
I look towards the high peak that he's pointing to. "Do you have any
more horses?"
"A few. I've only set up my house last year when my bid for this land
was accepted. My grandfather will turn his herd over to me this summer."
I see the man's bright eyes. "What do plan on doing with them?" Maybe
this Indian wants to breed the best lines for sale as rodeo horses or
mounts. Not much money to be earned doing that though.
"Just let them be. Our Mother will welcome a return of her four legged
children to these lands."
"Does Susan like horses?" The Indian frowns. I'm regretting those words
out of my mouth. He fondly slaps the mare's rump and she ambles off into the
distance. He turns to me with a plain face.
"I've been trying to teach her to ride."
I release my held breath. More questions are begging to be asked but I'm
not going to. One-white-horse realizes the difficulties he faces to keep
his young 'mare' content in these wild lands. I glance at the man's crotch.
Perhaps he's already taught Susan to 'ride' him and that's what's kept her
satisfied, for now. I'm scolding myself. There's more to love than sex. I
know that he loves Susan a lot. I've heard that in his music and the way he
embraced his guitar from missing her.
"What's brought you to Montana?"
"Oh. I'm on vacation from my job."
"Where's that?" asks One-white-horse.
I've noticed how the Indian has steered me away from talking about Susan.
"Indiana." We've been talking in Siksika. Uttering that word for my home
State had me noticing. In a low voice, "I won't be returning there."
One-white-horse gives me a curious stare. I don't lower my eyes from his
but meet his challenge. We appear to be about the same age and height. What
would it be like to wrestle with him? That would allow me to feel his butt.
I'm scolding myself. He's a cute guy but wouldn't be interested in me as I
find myself being for him. I have Jesse for that and Running Water when
I'm unable to be with my lover. Man! I'm feeling so horny. I have to stop
looking at every Indian man I see and think he'd want to be with me.
"Will you be able to live in our world, Mike?"
I keep my eyes fixed on his. "Yes. It is here that I've found my true
self. I'm happy for the first time in my life. I'll admit that it hasn't
been easy with the things I've seen about your culture that's unknown by
us... eh, white folk." In a stronger voice. "I have endured some trials and
that's made me stronger. The Blackfoot are my People now."
"Because of Jes-ee-ah?" whispers One-white-horse.
I don't flinch. "Yes. But it was meant that I've come here. Not only to
be with him but to serve our tribe." The Indian drops his eyes finally.
"How will you do that?"
He probably thinks it's what I've done to bring Jesse out of his shell.
I'm feeling stung. I want to tell him about all the things that's been
happening but my oath prevents me from revealing them to this Indian so I
cover my mouth in a gesture he'll understand.
"I shouldn't have asked."
Our eyes meet. "I wish that I could tell you! I've done more than help
Jes-ee-ah from my love." One-white-horse blinks his eyes. He keeps his face
plain of emotion; guarded. My troubled heart is bursting to tell him more.
"Today, I'll face the consequences for serving our People. It's nothing I
have done wrong. Those policeman had acted badly, to both Jes-ee-ah and me.
Our whole tribe! When everyone learns what they've done, it is they who will
be going to jail."
When it seems like One-white-horse is going to ask what that is, I turn
away from him. Tears sting my eyes. A few deep breaths are taken to calm
myself. I'm startled when the man grasps my shoulder.
"Short Hair. I have seen the good you've done for my nephew. Grandfather
had asked me to hide you here from those bad men even though he hasn't told
me what's going on. I respect his judgment. I know that you are part of
something big in the tribe. Our Elder has given you an eagle's feather. You
speak in our tongue as if born of our People and the things you know!"
One-white-horse reveals awe in his eyes. He takes a long look at the
prairie before he speaks again.
"I see your troubled heart. It is not my intent to add a further burden
to your shoulders. Jes-ee-ah shares in them. Doesn't he?"
I'm slowly nodding.
"If my nephew has chosen you to be with him, I accept that. Not an easy
thing because of what our People will think about it. That's why I'd asked
you last night if you knew what you were doing. I have only to look at my
own life to see the difficulties we both face."
He means Susan. I don't think it's because she's white and he's an
Indian. I'd seen that mixed coupled with their newly born baby at the
meeting. They were accepted by our tribe. I think he fears that Susan is
going to have a problem with fitting herself in his life. Not having
electricity in the house is only a small thing that speaks of the greater
challenges they face by being together.
One-white-horse lowers his hand from my shoulder. He's staring into the
distance. I see the troubled look in his eyes. "Love will find a way. It
makes us face the truth about ourselves and what we're willing to give up
for the other."
The Indian stares at me. His eyes become unfocused as if in deep thought.
"Does grandfather approve of you being with Jes-ee-ah?"
I nod. "He called on our Father for His blessing upon us." The Indian
shows puzzlement in his face. Oh. Maybe he wonders why grandfather asked him
to keep us apart. I'll explain that to him. "We've endured a Passing Rite a
few days ago. Grandfather is concerned that there's a danger from our
Joining but we think it has passed. Jes-ee-ah and me, that is."
Our eyes meet. I see that One-white-horse wants me to explain further but
I'm not willing to do so. No oaths prevent me. I just don't know this man
well enough. Does he know about Jesse's gift to See in a person's head?
I'm turning towards the rising sun to break eye contact with him. That
reminds me of what I'll be facing this day - going to jail! My stomach feels
like it's filling with rocks. I try swallowing in a dry throat.
One-white-horse joins me by facing east. His long arm comes around my
shoulders. I'm warmed by his act of friendship. It doesn't surprise me any
more that Indians can show affection. To outsiders, they are a stoic people;
fierce like the warriors of old and they don't often display emotion on
their faces but once they let you inside... I lift my right hand to his
shoulder. We stare at the morning sun together for a while.
I'm trembling from the cold. My wet feet bother me. I often look at the
road, wondering when they'll come to get me. My stomach aches. I turn my
head towards the small house when sensing my lover's awakening. He's
wondering where we are.
"You should go back inside," asks One-white-horse.
I stare at the Indian with tears filling my eyes. My heart aches to be
with Jesse.
"I'm going to tend to a few things out here..."
My heart skips a beat. He's going to let us be alone together? I fly from
the Indian to the kitchen door. Jesse meets me just inside the house, his
long arms taking me. We kiss. My hands rub over his warm back. :Oh, love!:
:Mike! Be with me while we have this chance. I love you so much!:
I'm growing very excited. Jesse's erection presses against mine and I
can hardly wait to get us naked. Making love together! Our kissing gets very
frantic. We both gasp for breath. There's such longing on my lover's face. I
gently pull from his embrace and take him in hand to the bed. He tugs me in
another direction - to the sleeping bag. I pull off my shirt to join him.
I'm laying down on my right side gazing over my lover's slim brown form.
Our chests press together. Jesse flinches, reminding me of the cuts to our
left tits. His black eye draws my attention. It looks really bad. Anger
fills me at Eli Kie for striking him! Jesse has suffered and today, it'll
be my turn to face the consequences of acting for our tribe. I'm feeling
scared about that.
I see the worry in Jesse's face. He's Heard my thoughts and that has me
scolding myself. I'm ruining what should be a sweet moment for us. I bring
my face close to his for a kiss but he is slow to respond.
Jesse begins to cry. I Sense his fear about surrendering myself to the
police - what they may do to me.
"They won't dare harm me while I'm in their custody!" I assure him. I'm
wiping away my lover's tears with my fingers. There's guilt in him too.
Jesse didn't want me getting into all this trouble because I'm an Outsider.
Not born of his tribe yet taking on these responsibilities. That had me
considering running away when things were rough. He knows this. "But I
didn't run away, Jesse. Your love strengthened me and that's why I'll do
anything for you! For our tribe."
"Mike? Please be careful! If anything were to happen to you..."
Jesse presses his face into my chest. I feel his tears wetting me.
There's such suffering in him that's difficult for me to bear. I try to
be strong, for him. My arms wrap around him really tight. :It's going to be
alright. I'll be in jail for only a few days until this mess clears up.:
:What if they keep you in there?:
:They can't! I'll be out on bail and return to you.:
:You'll still have to go to court. I don't trust your system of justice
because innocent men have been convicted! Maybe you should run away.:
:No! That would mean running away from you and I can't do that. Nothing
bad is going to happen to me. This is the right thing to do. When the truth
comes out, those bad men will go to jail and I'll be free to be with you
forever more!:
:I want that, Mike. I need that!:
My eyes close tight in anguish. I'm not afraid of being jailed, facing
the policemen's wrath, going to court or anything like that. It's being kept
from my lover. We never seem to have much time to be together. That really
tears me up inside.
:I hope that my mom will let you stay with us.:
I'm sucking in a breath through my clenched teeth. :Me too. But your mom
is going to need some time to get used to the idea of us being together.:
My eyes close as if to hide my doubt from Jesse. I know how difficult it's
going to be for Winna to accept our love for each other, for her to allow me
to live with them. It probably ain't gonna happen.
Anguish comes from Jesse. His hope for us is fading in his heart. A
darkness comes between us like a cold moonless night. I've Felt this before
in my lover when he'd gotten sick.
:Eli Kie is going to come after us.:
That's really worrying Jesse. That evil man has murdered before and
he'll do it again to further his master's aims. I'm not afraid for myself
but how my lover is being affected. It's as if Eli Kie has cast a spell over
him. One of gloom and doom. I feel helpless to counter it since I'm not an
Indian with knowledge of their mystical ways. How can I protect Jesse from
such powerful evil?
:I can't stay out here, Mike. Not when things keep going wrong and joy
becomes a struggle to keep in our hearts.:
My plea to Ask Jes-ee-ah not to lose heart is lost in a furry of bad
thoughts going around in his head. He's like a leaf caught in a storm. I've
never felt my lover being so depressed. He doesn't think the People will
ever accept us being together. Ron wasn't, in spite of all the good he did
for his tribe. Jesse's mother doesn't want us to be together. I try
soothing my lover's fears but I don't have any answers for him. We're both
caught up in a situation beyond our control. So much have we endured and the
worse may be ahead of us. I can't hide my own fears from him.
The dark emotions building in Jesse burst in him. He turns his head to
rest over my breast, eyes open yet unseeing. I'm not sensing anything from
him. My left hand runs down along his hair. I hold him for a long while,
wondering if he's gone to sleep or something. He doesn't answer my thought/
pleas. I can't bring myself to admit that he's falling sick again.
"Jesse?" I try shaking him awake. Tears fill my eyes but I stop them
with a burst of anger. I must remain strong for him. That last time, I'd
went to him in his bed and pressed our faces together. I didn't believe he
could Hear my thoughts but I tried anyway, Sending him all my love and
Asking him to wake up. I must undo the spell of despair holding him again.
I believe in Indian magic now. A spirit from their world is inside me.
My eyes close in concentration. I'm drawing on our Connection to find my
lover and he responds, but slowly. :Please stay with me! I haven't run away
when things went bad. Don't you either. We can endure this together and
we'll earn the joy that has seemed elusive. Please, Jes-ee-ah! Stay with
me. I need you too!:
I sense another Presence urging my lover to return. It's Owopspec. I'm
not Hearing his thoughts but Jesse responds to whatever wisdom that old
shaman has to offer him. Within me, Christopher urges me to coax Jes-ee-ah
back with my love. My lips rush to his. We kiss as two loving couples like
there's no tomorrow. Sadly, that had happened to our former selves. Their
joy had ended abruptly and unexpectedly.
During the Passing Rite, we'd seen Owopspec's sad lingering after his
lover's death. Yet he was strong, enduring those lonely years to achieve the
honored status of warrior, chief then shaman of his tribe. He married. Sired
a son who carried his life beyond him to the present who became Jes-ee-ah.
:My love. We'll never be alone as Owopspec had been! If one of us dies...
we'll go Above together. Grandfather said that would be so. But I'm not
going to go. I'll endure this hard time if you are with me. Knowing that you
will wait for me until we can be back together, that gives me strength!
Please, Jesse. Just hang on for a little while longer. For me. For them.:
:I'll try, Mike.:
We hear the kitchen door closing. I'm not ashamed that One-white-horse
will see us hugging. We still have our pants on. Jesse becomes very shy. He
turns his head downwards to bury his face in my neck to hide himself from
his uncle. Regret fills me that we didn't get the chance to make love. I'm
feeling ashamed thinking that. Jesse needed me to assure him that things
will work out for us. I keep holding my lover close. Eyes shut. I'm afraid
to see what's on his uncle's face by seeing us hugging. He's a straight guy.
One-white-horse is heard moving about the room. He fills the heater with
wood. I hear something being dragged across the wood floor. A chest is
opened then closed with a bang. I know that the man is looking at us. What
does he think about it?
When the Indian steps past us to make his bed, Jesse pushes against me
and runs away. I watch him going out the kitchen door. There was no warning;
I think he's embarrassed that his uncle saw us hugging but nothing had come
from him to warn me that he needed to get up all of a sudden. I sit up and
stretch my arms. I'm too embarrassed to look at One-white-horse.
I'm staring at my feet. Eyes are felt on me but I ignore the Indian when
going deep into my head. Something has changed in Jesse. He's not the
confident young man that he became from our Connection. We aren't as close
as we were. There's a change. What that is, I'm unable to figure out.
"Are you hungry?" asks One-white-horse. "They'll be coming for you in
a few hours."
I'm startled from my thoughts. What did he say? Oh. A stab of fear shoots
through my stomach. I peer over at the Indian then lower my eyes.
"Mike?"
I dare to lift my eyes back to his. The man gently smiles while drawing a
deep breath. That gets his slim shoulders to rise and fall when he exhales.
The folded blanket in his hands is set on the bed.
"Give me your sleeping bag so that I can put it away."
I spring to my feet. The sleeping bag is rolled up while my shirt is kept
tucked under my arm. The man averts his eyes when taking it from me. I watch
him walk across the room with my eyes falling to his butt when he bends over
to toss the sleeping bag in a chest. His long black hair dances along his
back. I'm scolding myself for my staring. I have a hard dick. Jesse caused
that when we held each other, leaving me feeling excited and aching for not
having been with him when we had the chance.
One-white-horse turns to sit over the chest.
"I didn't mean to interrupt the two of you..."
"You didn't," I blurt out in too loud a voice. The Indian cringes from
hearing my anger. I'll need to explain that to him so he won't think I'm mad
at him. "Jes-ee-ah is scared for me. What's going to happen today when I
surrender myself to the police. We were just holding each other so, like,
nothing was going to happen that you'd interrupt."
Our eyes meet. I see a measure of understanding in his dark eyes that
draws me to this man with my need for his approval.
"It's been really hard for the two of you. Hasn't it?"
I'm nodding, tears stinging my eyes that I struggle from falling down my
face. Embarrassment fills me.
"I think I know what you're going through," whispers One-white-horse.
"Susan and me..." His mouth shuts.
We drop our eyes from each other. An awkward silence follows with no
proper words that I could say coming to me. Maybe nothing needs to be said.
We're feeling the same anguish, fear and doubts of what tomorrow may bring.
I remember the shirt tucked under my arm and put it on.
I peer at the kitchen door. Jesse is taking a long time out there.
"Maybe you should go check on him," asks One-white-house.
I spring past the Indian. He gestures for me to wait a moment. A drawer
under the sink is opened and he removes something. I'm handed a roll of
toilet paper.
"Thanks." I open the back door and slip outside. The wet ground feels
cold against my feet. There's a slight wind blowing. I breathe in the odors
of grass and burning wood. Those are familiar smells that remind me of the
coming Spring. That late winter storm had come as a surprise but its hold
over the land is loosening. Father Sun's warmth will return, awakening life
that had been sleeping these past moons.
I knock on the outhouse door. "Jesse? Are you in there?" An Answer comes
from within my head. My lover's plea for me to come inside. I shyly do so.
Jesse is wiping himself. I avert my eyes, setting down the toilet paper
One-white-horse had given me next to the nearly spent roll. My eyes roam
along the wooden floor until finding a pair of brown feet. I follow them up
to Jesse's fallen pants, his long thin legs to his knees until I'm looking
at his dick. It's sleeping over his balls. I look away. It doesn't seem
right to be staring at his nakedness when he's sitting on the pot.
:You're silly to think that, Mike. I like you looking at me.:
My heart is lifted that my lover is no longer feeling gloomy.
:I'm sorry for acting silly earlier.:
:It's okay. I know where your sadness comes from but we can't give into
our fear. We will endure so long as we have each other!: Jesse stands up
and launches himself into my arms. His face presses into my neck and I'm
half expecting him to cry. He doesn't. I'm feeling such happiness from him.
I join into it and squeeze him really hard.
:I love you, Short Hair!:
:I love you, Jes-ee-ah.: I'm kissing his neck and am tickled by his long
hair spilling against my face. I sense his excitement. My left hand falls
down his back until I'm holding his butt. Jesse sighs. His hands rush to my
waist where he struggles with unbuttoning my pants. They fall to my feet. My
underwear is pulled down. I press myself against my lover's hard warmth. Our
lips find each other in a kiss.
There's such hunger in my lover. He's grasping my shirt and lifts it to
my chest. I help him get it off me. It's tossed to the outhouse floor. Our
bodies come together again in naked warmth. It feels so good! I reach down
for his butt and he grabs mine to set love's urgent rhythm between us. We
rub our dicks together while our hands play over our butts like war drums.
Kisses. I drink of my lover as if greatly thirsted. I can't get enough of
them! Jesse pulls away to take a breath. We stare at each other with such
longing. I'm Seeing both of us, through my eyes and his. We feel what both
of us are feeling. Such joy!
I'm surprised to see a young Indian face from my lover. My face looks
older in his eyes and it's missing freckles. Oh. That had come from
Christopher. I shake my head to help bring me to the present. I'm Mike. This
isn't Owopspec in my arms but Jesse.
:There is a danger from our former selves,: Jesse Sends. :Grandfather
warned us about this. I've been thinking thoughts not my own that I know
comes from Good-eyes. We could lose ourselves if we give in to them.:
:I know. But it's hard to deny who we were! They have wisdom to offer us
and interesting memories of how things used to be. Owopspec helped advise
you back there when you were falling sick. Didn't he?:
Jesse presses his forehead against mine. Our noses touch. We peer deep
into each other's eyes with the resolve to be on our guard. These are our
lives now. Possession is a real concern.
Our inner voices quiet. We have returned to being one couple again who
have this moment to express our love for each other. It is sweet! Jesse
turns his head slightly so that we can kiss without bumping noses. I'm drawn
back into intense passion by him. Our hands pull low over each other. That
drives our male expression towards fulfillment.
Our clutching bodies sway like corn stalks in a strong wind, to and froe.
My breast wound stings from sweat. The eagle's feather dances against my
back. Pressed between us is that small pouch grandfather had given me. We
both look down at it with the hope of a better future for us.
:Will you marry me, Jesse?:
:Yes, silly. I will!: A strong surge of emotion bursts in my heart. When
we turn our eyes upwards to peer at each other, I'm struck by a sweet memory
coming from Chris. He'd asked Owopspec to marry him too. The brave answered
that they were already in their hearts and there was no need for formal
oaths or ceremony.
I kiss my lover. A brief, sweet kiss that leaves a sparkle in his eyes.
Tears of joy fill mine. I'm blinking a few times to appear strong for him.
We return to our sensual dance of love. Jesse's face presses into my
neck. I silently weep against his long hair with such joy in my heart. This
man is mine! All that I've longed for in my life has happened. He is mine.
Forever more.
Our bodily expression of love joins with a melding of our thoughts,
feelings and emotions. It's like being wrapped in a blanket of joy. I'm able
to remain who I am while Joined to Jes-ee-ah. We See how to.
:That spirit within us has settled down,: Jesse explains. :When Calling
out to us from the bundle's nearing death, its spell had been clumsily cast
yet so strong to where we were being overwhelmed. That danger has passed.:
"What about our former selves?" I ask in a whisper because they might
Hear my fear.
"We'll learn to live with them."
I'm sensing a dark emotion from my lover. Owopspec is strong in him and
could threaten taking Jesse over. I'm remembering something from last
night, a glimpse from a dream that leaves me badly shaken. Christopher
Sends a plea across our Connection. I didn't quite catch it but Jesse sighs
with relief.
"Just make love to me, Mike!"
I was going to Ask what Christopher Said. My hands resume pulling over
Jesse's butt. His are savage over mine, a fury in him to return to good
feelings and the joy we'd felt but a moment before.
I'm noticing a distancing from my lover. He's reverted back to speaking
words. By not Mind Speaking, he's hiding a part of himself from me that
leaves me aching. We're still together in bodily expression. I do as my
lover asks. My hard cock mashes against his when pulling over his soft
backside. Our chests rub together. I'm startled by wild kisses and his
tongue swirling in my mouth. I'm swept back into passion by him. There's
such urgency in Jesse to release that is more than getting his dick off.
I'm having to gasp for breath. My dick is feeling intense. Jesse buries
his face in my right shoulder. I nibble on his earlobe. Moans come out of me.
We're stabbing each other with love's full fury. I'm often losing my grip of
his wildly humping butt. He plays my butt in perfect rhythm like when we
matched drum strikes with our tom-toms at the meeting. A more joyous union
is being performed right now.
A heaviness fills my stomach. Sharp tingling from my balls forewarns my
male explosion. I stab with a warrior's joy for the battle. Release!
I'm wetting to Jesse's belly. All my pent-up emotions come out: worry,
frustration and my anger. I growl out like a bear. I'm left with a deep
sense of relief that goes beyond the thrills of sperming.
Breaths rush through my mouth. Jesse is still pulling over my butt so I
open my eyes to watch his ending. My lover gives me a fierce face, eyes
narrowing as if in pain then fluttering when he reaches climax. A boyish
high-pitched cry escapes his lips. I feel his liquid warmth coming to my
belly. An explosion in my head!
I've Felt his sweet male thrills. My dick throbs as if cumming again.
It's very intense. Our heated bodies slow against each other, hands running
up to grip each other while we recover from mating. Jesse swoons in my
arms. I plant my feet over the floor with my arm muscles tensing by holding
his full weight. It's like he's fainted or something.
I have to set Jesse down over the pot. His long arms around me won't
let go. My head presses against his chest where I breathe in our sweetness
that lessens the stink of this outhouse. We're enjoying this moment of male
relief. Jesse really needed it. Me too.
Jesse kisses my head. Strength is returning to him that reminds me of
his fainting spell. :Are you alright now?:
:Yes. I didn't get much sleep last night.:
That surprises me. He'd fallen asleep before I did so something must have
woke him up in the night. I'm Peering into my lover's head for the reason.
He'd Heard my cry for help?
I'm even more startled when glimpsing something he'd done with his uncle.
Jesse had taken One-white-horse into his arms?
"He thought I was Susan."
I'm trying to See more but Jesse is keeping those memories from me. I
suspect that's what sent my lover flying from my arms when his uncle had
seen us hugging on the sleeping bag.
I reach for the toilet paper to clean up. Jesse sits up straight. I'm
wiping his belly dry, tossing the clump of paper through the opening between
his thighs. I notice that his dick is still erect. Its brown knob is oozing
cum so I lean forward and take it into my mouth. That has my lover gasping.
Jesse's dick feels nice. Warm, stiff and it's exciting to be taking this
part of his body into my mouth. I suck out his remaining sperm. The sensation
is too intense for him so he's squirming over the toilet. I pull back but
not before giving his knob a gentle kiss. I'm swallowing. A stickiness is
felt at the back of my throat.
We peer at each other shyly. I'm not embarrassed by what I did but he's
feeling strange, in a good way. :I wanted you inside me...: My thoughts turn
to when Jesse will be laying over my back to put his love's seed in me.
We'll do that when truly becoming a couple after this trouble blows away.
My belly gets wiped. Jesse holds the wet toilet paper in his hand for a
moment before dropping it through the hole. He regrets casting our mingling
seed away as if it were excrement.
:We've kept that pair of underwear from our first time.: Jesse's eyes
smile in sweet remembrance. His thoughts turn to where it's being kept - in
my laptop bag to have for always. I don't have the heart to tell him that
I'd removed it. Hmm. Where is that pair of underwear now? Oh. It's back at
my trailer. I'd dropped them in the front room when hearing Jesse's plea
for help when Eli Kie attacked him outside.
Jesse's reaches out for my hips. He leans forward, making me realize
what he's wanting to do with me. I look down at my swollen dick. He swallows
it completely, his hands reaching around for my butt. It's my turn to gasp.
I endure the tickly sensation that feels exciting at the same time. He's
sucking me for a long moment. When Jesse doesn't pull away, I lower my
chest to his curved back. My hands reach down for his butt. I'll give my
lover a drink from my loins if he can manage to coax it from me.
:I feel you getting hard!:
I'm too embarrassed to Answer him. He knows that his sucking is feeling
good. I turn my head to rest over his back. His soft hair is felt against my
right ear. Jesse's hands surge, driving my dick in and out of his mouth.
I'm pulling over his soft butt to enhance my excitement.
Jesse's body is flexing under me. He wants me to release but I've not
been sucked off before. Running Water tried but I couldn't. It had felt too
ticklish. I'll try doing that for my lover. It's kind of a strange act but
I'd watched that sex video where two guys did a '69' and came. In another
scene, they took turns fucking each other. I remember beating off from
watching them even though they were white guys.
I'm holding breaths. That deepens the thrilling sensations from my dick.
Jesse Sends what it's like to be sucking me: the hardness to my shaft
slipping through his mouth, his nose pressing into my groin hair where he
smells my musky scent and my balls are slapping against his chin. He's
excited to have my maleness inside him while his hands enjoy the humping to
my butt. I know that he likes me touching his. One of my fingers slips
through his cheeks to find his hole. I rub over it. My lover moans through
his nose.
Lusty thoughts of fucking him go through my head. Getting sucked is too
intense a sensation for me to be able to shoot.
:Then do me, Mike!:
Relief fills me. I don't think I'll be able to cum this way. Jesse's
hands relax over my cheeks. He pulls from my groin but not before giving my
balls a tender kiss. A trembling breath comes out of me. My lover wants to
take my seed from me in the most intimate act that two guys can perform.
I straighten up. Jesse springs to his feet and gives me a tight hug. His
erection presses against mine. We kiss again and again! I'm tempted to give
us wet bellies again but my lover wants me to fuck him. We slowly separate.
I look around at the small outhouse and wonder how we're going to do that.
:Sit down, silly!:
Jesse turns me around and I'm lowered to the toilet. He then spins over
his feet to get his butt sticking towards me. Before he can sit over me, I'm
grabbing hold of his slim hips. My mouth goes to his brown cheeks with
kisses and small bites. Oh, I really like his ass! It's soft, warm and gets
me really excited. Especially when I think what I'm going to be doing to it.
When my tongue tries sticking into the crack of his butt, his cheeks tighten
to prevent me.
:I'm not clean in there,: Jesse explains.
My hands tighten around his hips. I gather some spit over my tongue and
stick deep into his butt. Jesse cries out. I've managed to find his tight
hole and lick into it. There's bitterness, yet I'm so excited to be rimming
him that I don't care.
An urgent breath is taken. I rub my face over his cheeks, breathing in
his musky smell that gets my cock throbbing. There's such lust in me to
stick into his little butt!
Jesse is eager for me to be inside him. I push on his ass and direct it
down over my groin. My hard cock is sticking up, meeting his butt that
slowly lowers to make our bodily connection. I'm slipping through a slimy
tightness. Heat. My lover wails softly when feeling my cock in him. Deep!
I'm panting for breath. Jesse adjusts his weight over me when slipping
his feet under my pants that are sagging around my ankles. His hands grasp
my upper legs. My arms wrap around his waist so that I can begin it.
"Wait..." Jesse gasps.
Concern fills me. I massage my lover's tense cheeks until his pain
passes. We didn't prepare for our joining, only a little spit was put in
him. I'm scolding myself for giving into lust.
:Don't feel that way, Mike. I'm lusting for you too! You can begin it
now and don't be afraid that it'll hurt. I want you bad.:
Such desire in my lover to do him! I wait a moment longer to relish our
bodily connection. Our feelings and thoughts join. We're One.
My hands slip around Jesse's slim waist with my fingertips pressing
into his groin hair. I feel his dick standing along it. My fingers wrap
around and gently stroke over its silky hardness. My lover pants for breath.
I'm gasping for breath when Jesse lifts himself over my thighs then drops.
My cock stabs back into his tightness. He continues this lusty motion to
have me fuck him while my fingers are tightly clenched around his stabs.
Jesse's back slides along my chest in a meeting of brown against white.
I'm looking down at his butt that's impaled on my cock. It still amazes me
that two guys can join their bodies that way. The feeling is tremendous.
:Oh, Jesse!:
A breathy giggle. :I Share in your joy, love. My butt feels so good to
have you inside it. You'll be able to release your dick and complete me as
if I were your squaw!:
Jesse's long black hair makes him look like a woman. It's his hard dick
slipping through my hand that proves he's male. The rear part of his body is
female? He's wailing out at my deeper thrusts, the kind of pleasure a woman
experiences from having a man in her. I'm not repulsed. Just a bit surprised
by this realization. I won't consider having my butt taken making me act
like a girl. I'd want my lover to enjoy fucking me while I remain a guy. Why
does he think differently?
:You worry too much, Mike.:
I release a troubled sigh. :Sorry! I'm new to love and it's like my head
is in conflict with my feelings. I don't know what to think.:
:Good-eyes saw this same confusion in Krist-o-fer.:
I'm Looking deep within myself and remember something Owopspec had told
his young lover in their tipi: 'I am two-spirited. The front of my body is
a male expression while I give the rear of myself in a female expression.
There is no shame in this.'
:Krist-o-fer shares your spirit, Mike. He allowed Good-eyes to fulfill
himself in his butt while remaining a man. Ron never let himself get fucked.
That didn't mean he was half gay or anything like that. He truly loved my
uncle. It's what's in your heart that's important. Our bodies express that
love. You and I don't like getting sucked so we find other ways to fulfill
ourselves. I'm not ashamed to act like a woman in your arms as we are now.
You fulfill my squawness. In front of me, your hand offers me male release.:
I tighten my fingers around Jesse's dick. He's stabbing through my hand
and I'm sharing in his male joy. His butt offers him another source of
pleasure that's similar to what a woman feels from being taken. No shame in
that, I suppose. I'm going to be giving my butt to him. Not as a squaw but
a gay man to fulfill our desire to make love.
Jesse pushes against my legs. He resumes the lusty motion of his butt
humping in my lap that feels good joining with the love that I feel in my
heart for him. My head is no longer troubled.
:Love feels so good!:
:Yes. We're utterly together!: I share Jesse's thoughts, his intense
feelings and the bodily sensations from sex. It makes us One. A thought
strikes me. :Grandfather has no need to be worried.:
:I know, love. We can be together now without losing our separate selves.
It's when we try going to that Place of Light where our spirits are. That
is a perilous Journey only to be taken when leaving our bodies in death.:
I know what Jesse means but it's difficult to put in words. I'm feeling
the truth to what he's Saying. We're not ready to go to that Place of Light.
Only a trained shaman risks Flight there when seeking a vision. Christopher
had witnessed this sacred rite performed for him to address his fear of
other white people who might come to take him away from the Indians. The old
shaman told him that it wasn't foreseen. He'd die as one of the People.
:Let's enjoy this brief time we have on our Mother,: Jesse Pleads.
I'm nodding. I pull over my lover's waist to get my dick stabbing very
deep in him. He wails. It's a high-pitched cry that I'd rather think as
coming from a boy than from a girl.
:I am both, Mike.:
:I'm realizing that.: Jesse's hair reaches down to my belly, tickling
it. Indian men can wear theirs long without a loss to their masculinity. I
bury my face in it. Breathe in. His hair is soft against my nose and
smelling like flowers and sweat. A contrast of odors just as my lover's
body performs as the two sexes that seem to contradict.
I stab into Jesse's brown ass when lifting mine from the toilet seat.
His hands push against my thighs, raising himself until my cock nearly slips
out of him. He tightens his asshole at that moment. Oh, what a sensation!
I'm driving back into slimy tightness by pulling over his hips. He wails
out in a high-pitched voice that joins with my low groans of pleasure.
:Let's Share this completely, Mike!:
:Uh! Uh...uh! Okay.: In my head, there's a change of position where I'm
on top. I Feel a hard cock sticking deep through my asshole and pressing
against something that makes me feel intense. A kind of thundering under my
balls that's like a thrilling pain. I'm wailing out like a girl. My butt is
given for pleasure and aching for more thrusts. I want it to be conquered!
In front of me, my cock stabs through clenched fingers. Both sensations
complete my body unlike anything that I've ever experienced before. I'm
being overwhelmed by it though.
My cheeks open wide when pulling out of the butt above me. I'm expecting
to feel a penetration in mine. It doesn't happen. The toilet seat is under
me? Oh. I've returned to myself. I understand what my lover was trying to
tell me before. His womanly urge to be taken by a man. That intense feeling
deep in his ass when my cock sticks him good. How can he endure such
pain/pleasure?
:It completes me!: Jesse Answers. :I only expressed my female self when
Ron laid over me. He only fulfilled his male self. It's when I'm with you
that both halves to myself come together in love making. A wonderful thing!
I am two spirited, expressed by both sides of my body.:
I've Felt that myself for a moment. :I'm not like you, Jesse.:
:I know. That doesn't displease me or make you any less. You're like Ron.
More male than female, but willing to give yourself to me like a squaw. I've
Felt your joy when I was sitting below a moment ago. One day, I'll lay over
you to actually experience what that's like.:
The speed from which our thoughts fly to one another was such that I've
stabbed but twice into his butt. We're learning to control our Connection.
A way to be in each other without losing our separate selves.
:Yes, love. You're not going to fade out during love making like what
happened in your trailer. Remember? I was sitting in your lap facing you and
enjoying our mashing cocks but you didn't return to your senses until after
release. That spirit was Reaching out to Join us from the dying bundle. You
didn't know how to handle that. There's something in me that can, like an
instinct or something.:
:Your foot will rise along a moon beam.: I'm sensing Jesse Peering into
my head and allow him.
:Grandfather foresaw that in me!:
:Yes. He knew a lot from being given visions but didn't tell us what he
Saw. You have a shaman's ability. His hope for you to walk in his footsteps
will be fulfilled.:
I've stabbed again into Jesse while we were thinking to each other. When
withdrawing from his asshole, I feel a stiffening to his dick against my
fingers. He's about to climax. His belly trembles when holding a breath,
there's a pleasant tingling from his balls and we enjoy the intense male
thrills he gets from shooting! His cum falls as sticky rain to my hand. My
dick gets squeezed by his asshole. I gulp in a breath and feel that
lightning sensation in my loins. I'm crying out when squirting in his butt.
:I feel it!:
My lover wails out joined by my low throaty moans. We share our intense
pleasure in a Oneness that's temping to prolong but I return to myself. Air
is gulped into my lungs while I cling to my sweet lover. His hands lock over
mine that are gripping his heaving chest. Our sweating bodies relax. We've
mated. Done.
I'm feeling weary after so much love making. I'd want to lay my head down
and hold my mate until we've recovered. It aches me that we have to steal
these brief moments to be alone like in this dumb outhouse. It stinks! I
long for that time when we can share a bed and be in our own room.
:That's my dream too, Mike.:
I'm squirming over the pot. My legs are aching with Jesse's weight over
them but I don't want to let him go... not yet! We aren't going to see each
other for a few days, I realize with sadness. Why is it such a struggle for
us to be together?
:That is the path we're to follow.:
I release a harsh breath. :I'm not trying to deny our responsibilities to
the tribe but we should be given an equal thing in return. I want our love
to be accepted by everyone! Not see disgust and hatred in their eyes because
of who we are.:
:That's why shaman Good-eyes made that sacrifice of self,: Answers Jesse.
:He Called upon that spirit to bring a truth to the People. It has Passed
from the bundle into us, and through us, those who share our spirit will be
revealed to them as not being bad but just like them. Able to feel love and
express love even though it's between two men or two women. That is the
truth we are Geased to reveal. We'll be the example so they will understand.
Acceptance will follow.:
Jesse reveals how he's thinking like a shaman. Yet there are times when
he returns to acting like a boy. Why is that?
:I'm trying not to depend on you so much, Mike. Grandfather asked me to.
He wants me to mature in my own way by not drawing on your strength,
confidence and experiences. What you saw before in me wasn't really me. I'm
not denying our Connection; just searching for my own answers and a path in
life to follow. We'll always be together. I need you!:
I'm feeling conflicting emotions. Jesse doesn't want me to help him? No.
I think what he's trying to say is that he needs to stand up on his own two
feet. I'll be there to catch him if he falls.
:You have to let me fall. Otherwise, I won't learn from the experience.
Pain is a useful teacher. You'll be there to hold me afterwards.:
A sad realization comes to me. That's what I've been missing from Jesse
since last night. He's been slowly pulling himself away. I'd seen that in
his shy eyes that looked away from me, how he didn't catch me staring at
his uncle's butt or know what I was thinking at times.
:You looked at One-white-horse that way?:
Anger fills me. "Yeah. I couldn't help myself! You don't have to be
Peering in my head all the time!" Jesse trembles in my arms. My eyes close
in anguish for having shouted at him. :I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.:
"I know, love."
My right hand rises to his chest. I clutch him, trying to get past my
feelings of guilt and shame.
"I have something to tell you," Jesse whispers.
I'm sensing embarrassment in my lover. I calm myself, opening my thoughts
to his but nothing is forthcoming from him. I'm reminded of that same
hesitation in him when he wanted to admit what he'd been doing with Ron.
"You don't have to tell me!" Jesse cries out as if I'd struck him.
An awkward silence follows. I'm feeling terrible. What made me lash out
at Jesse like that? He needs to tell me something that must be hard for him.
The pain in my legs is getting bad. When I squirm over the pot to find a
comfortable position, Jesse pushes against my legs. He slowly stands up.
I look down at my cock pulling from his cheeks. It plops to my left thigh.
A brown stain covers my knob.
I open my sticky left hand to find it filled with cum. Jesse grabs the
toilet paper and wraps it around my dick. He looks around the outhouse for
a moment. I think he's looking for a bathroom sink. None in here. He spits
to his fingers. The toilet paper is pulled away and he cleans my knob, using
another wad of paper to dry me there. It's cast down through the hole
between my thighs.
I'm struggling to my feet. Everything around me doesn't seem real, as if
in a dream. Jesse wipes his butt. The soiled toilet paper is tossed into
the pot. He looks down at my left hand, turning to get some more paper but
I clench my fingers into a fist.
"Are you still mad at me?" asks Jesse in a strained voice.
"Mad?" I see the worry in his brown face. "No. I'm just feeling strange."
My eyes fall to my left hand. "I want to have this from you. Not going..."
I glance at the toilet. Quick are my next actions.
My legs spread as far as my fallen pants will allow me. I lower my wet
hand between my cheeks and stick fingers into my hole. Jesse releases a
sharp breath. He'd seen me put his love's seed into my butt before.
:Mike?:
Our Connection returns. That's why I was feeling so strange! Jesse
reveals that he'd pulled away after I had yelled at him. Guilt fills me.
:I didn't mean to be angry with you. What you did left my feeling stunned.
I was stuck in my head without being able to be with you. It hurt!:
My lover's arms come around me. He shoos me and Asks for my forgiveness.
:You need me as much as I need you.:
I didn't realize how much until now. :We need to figure out how to
control this thing between us, Jesse? My head feels like a yo-yo. It goes
up to heights of great joy then falls to sadness and loneliness.:
:I am sorry!:
We clutch each other for a while in the outhouse. Our thoughts wrapping
the other like a warm blanket.
Jesse leads me back to the house. I close the kitchen door behind me,
noticing his wet trail across the floor. My own feet are soiled. I'm looking
for something to clean it up.
"Don't worry about it," asks One-white-horse. "Wash your hands then come
to the table."
We stand side by side in front of the sink. Jesse runs the water while I
soap up our hands. They slip over one another in a meeting of brown and
white. That reminds me of our clashing societies. I'm going to be living in
Jesse's, guided by his love. I hope I'll do that better than Christopher
with this second chance I've been given.
I give my lover a strained grin. We sit down and pray in silence. A plate
is lifted from a bowl of scrambled eggs. One-white-horse spoons some over a
piece of bread. It's not been toasted, I notice. Another slice is fit over
to make a sandwich. He hands it to me.
"Thank you." The Indian makes egg sandwiches for Jesse and himself. We
eat them in silence. I'm not feeling hungry but force myself to eat. This
will be my last meal before jail food.
One-white-horse is staring at my chest. I look down at myself. Is he
curious about my bundle? I'm noticing the crusting to that cut across my
breast. Oh. I've left my shirt in the outhouse so this Indian probably
knows what we've been doing in there together. My face begins to burn.
I gulp water from my glass and set it back down on the table. Jesse
peers at me. I hold his gaze while thinking to him. :Let's keep our
Connection strong for a while. I don't want to be left alone today when...:
:I should have thought about that. I'm sorry, Mike.:
I'm starting to feel really scared about giving myself up to the police.
Jesse promises to be right outside, waiting for me. No matter what. He
ignores my Plea to go home with his mother so as to not make a scene.
:A Trickster fears the light of day. I won't let him hide the Truth any
longer!:
I've caught a glimpse of something my lover is planning. He's still
managing to hide some of his thoughts from me but I don't press him to
explain what he meant. One-white-horse is staring at us.
I get the feeling that this Indian knows how we can Speak to each other.
Jesse lowers his eyes as if embarrassed. He is, but I'm not given the
reason for his discomfort.
One-white-horse gets up from his chair to clear the table. My eyes follow
him but turn to a pot boiling over the stove. Jesse turns to me. I give him
love eyes while he reveals some shyness in his. Something to do with his
uncle, I think.
:Last night, Mike...:
My lover wants to tell me something that happened. That's the source of
embarrassment for him. I stop myself from Asking him not to like before
that had led to our argument in the outhouse.
:Something woke me up and I felt the need to hold you,: Jesse begins.
:I didn't know it was my uncle. He was feeling very strong... down there.
My hand reached into his pants. He was excited so I handled him towards
relief. When I felt unfamiliar thoughts coming into my head, I knew then it
wasn't you I was grasping. He was dreaming about Susan. Being with her. It
was too late for me to stop.:
I'm trying to hide my shock. Not very well, though.
:He woke up. I pulled from his back feeling all mixed up inside. Instead
of scolding me, my uncle reached down for his shirt from the floor and
cleaned my hand. I couldn't explain to him why that happened.:
I'm looking towards the sink for One-white-horse. He can't Hear what
Jesse is tell me. Silly, really. I meet Jesse's blazing eyes and can't
turn away.
:My uncle held my shoulder. I Felt him in my head! I didn't need to say
anything because he just knew. I've never suspected that he could do what I
can with people. At least not that strongly. Running Water shares my gift
but to a lesser extent. Grandfather can.:
I'm fidgeting in my seat. :How much did he See in you?:
:I don't know, Mike. I was still half asleep and not thinking straight.:
"The hot water is ready," says One-white-horse.
We turn to the man. He gets a big metal tub that was hooked to the wall
and tips one end into the sink. He runs the water. Jesse gets up from his
chair. I follow him to his uncle's side to see what he's doing.
"If you make haste, both of you can get cleaned up before Running Water
arrives. Jesse? Can you carry this outside while I get the hot water?"
When my lover struggles with lifting the partially filled tub from the
sink, I grasp one end. We carry it towards the kitchen door. One-white-horse
scurries past us with the boiling water to open it for us. We go outside.
"Set it down over there," asks One-white-horse.
Jesse and I struggle to reach the stones he was pointing to. We set the
tub down there. I'd wondered about that spot when seeing the rounded pattern
of half buried stones on my way to the outhouse this morning. I thought they
served some kind of ritual significants.
One-white-horse pours boiling water into the tub. I see steam rising and
relish the thought of getting cleaned up.
"Let me get you some towels."
At that moment, we hear a phone ringing. It's a high-pitched sound that
comes from a cell phone. The Indian rushes back into the house. I'm smiling.
One-white-horse doesn't have a real bathroom or a place to shower but he
isn't without that modern conveniences. Funny, that.
:Susan bought it for him.:
I smile at my lover. :I'm not surprised. That woman is going to be the
ruin of him!: Jesse catches what I meant. We both laugh. One-white-horse
has lived his life like the Indians of old but he's slowly going to be
brought into the modern age with electricity in his house and other
conveniences to make their lives easier.
Jesse lowers his eyes to the steaming tub. :You go first.:
When I'm about to protest, my lover explains that I'll need to be clean
for today. He doesn't mind going second. My shoulders slump. They probably
have shower facilities for the prisoners. I'm gonna hate getting naked where
everyone can see me showering. With a sigh, I pull down my jeans and my
underwear. Jesse takes them from me. They're held close to his chest like
I'd seen him do with his father's overalls after I'd worn them.
I tip my big toe into the water. It's hot but not overly so. Jesse asks
me not to be a sissy so I jump into the tub and squat. My hands bring up
water to my shoulders and chest. Jesse uses a free hand to clean my back.
The hot water feels nice over my body. There's no soap so I'm careful not to
get my head wet. There's nothing worse than having soaked greasy hair.
I'm trembling from the cold. The metal tub isn't quite big enough for me
to sit in. I splash water over my legs, into my butt and clean the front of
me. Jesse has been helping me with my bath. I yelp when he pulls on my
dick. My left foot splashes him. That causes a splashing contest to ensue.
I end it by lifting my arms in surrender because I'm worried about getting
my clothes that he's holding from getting wet.
Jesse looks past me. I turn to see that we're being watched. Relief
fills me. It's only Running Water.
"It looks like you're both enjoying a bath," the man says with a chuckle.
Jesse smiles. He shakes my clothes with his unusually long arms that
stretch out from his body. I turn to the Indian with a sly grin. He doesn't
avert his eyes from my nudity because he's seen me thus before. We've also
been together. I'm not ashamed that he wants to look at me.
At that moment, One-white-horse comes out of the house. I turn my back on
that man so he can only see my butt.
"Hello, cousin! I heard your truck pulling up."
"Hello! I needed to take a piss before coming in," explains Running Water.
He starts heading for the outhouse.
One-white-horse hands two towels to Jesse. My cheeks tense up. I'm very
embarrassed that the man might be trying to see more of me but he averts his
eyes. I'm handed a towel by my lover. He knows what I'm feeling. The Indian
turns to go back into his house. I drape the towel over my right shoulder.
"Your turn." My lover hands me my clothes and starts stripping. I look
over his slim brown form with a grin. He smiles at my attention. Longing
fills me. What a cute guy! Is he really mine?
:I am, Mike.: Jesse spreads his arms and slowly turns around to show off
every part of his body.
I notice a stretching to his waist. What long legs. I'm reminded that he
suffers from Marfan's Syndrome that gives a body a gangly appearance. I take
a quick look around to see if we're being watched.
I'm stepping from the tub and Jesse gets in. I pour in the remaining hot
water, away from his feet. He squats down. I'm keeping a look out for his
uncle but recall that the both of them had been in the hot tub together at
Hawk Flying Over's house. Running Water's eyes would only be interested in
my nakedness.
"Do you need to take a piss, Mike?"
I've caught Jesse's hint. :No. And what would One-white-horse think if
he saw me joining your uncle in the outhouse?: There's a part of me that
wants to.
:I just wanted you to know that it's okay with me. If you two...:
Jesse Sends me more than his thoughts. He's excited to think that I'd be
willing to be with his uncle while assuring me that it wouldn't harm how we
feel for each other. Strangely, I'm not feeling any guilt. My lover knows me
and I know how much he enjoyed being with Ron that no longer has me feeling
so mad. That man taught Jesse how to be gay. At least with his body. I only
wish that he'd not been with him as only true lovers should be.
:You've done that with my uncle. Mike? That's okay because I know you
love him too.:
I release a tense breath. My eyes shut as if to prevent my thoughts from
being Heard. Running Water has captured a part of my heart. Not in the same
way I feel for Jesse or as intense. We're sort of like gay brothers. And,
well, I'm finally able to admit to myself that we could have been lovers if
Winna hadn't taken her son to class on that fateful night.
:No, Mike. We were meant for each other. My uncle had a lover before so
it was my turn. Ron opened that hidden part in me that I didn't know was
there. That made me ready to find you. I'd seen that possibility in your
eyes when we were in the parking lot. I knew then. We'd fall in love.:
A warm glow fills my heart. Jesse talks really sweet sometimes but too,
his brutal honesty can be difficult to handle. The smile fades from my lips.
I'm trying not to dwell on what else that white guy opened in Jesse. It's
going to take me a while to forgive Ron for fucking my lover. He really was
a kid then. His innocence was stolen from him and he was made vulnerable to
being taken advantage of for sexual conquest. Jesse doesn't see it that way.
He believes that man taught him how to be gay. That should have been me
showing him!
I'm expecting Jesse to respond to what I've been thinking but he shows
no sign of this. Oh. Was I blocking my troubled thoughts from him? He's been
keeping some of his thoughts from me. A kind of mind set, for privacy. I'm
not sure how I'm doing it myself.
My eyes are drawn to my lover. His wet skin glistens in morning's light.
I take in the sensual curves of his lithe body. A nice brown color. What a
cute little butt! My love's seed fills him there. My butt, too. I long for
that day when he'll put his love's seed in me himself. A way of completing
our physical bond. That will make us true gay lovers.
Jesse knows where my eyes have fallen on him. He holds his butt with a
gleam in his eyes. I turn sideways and hold my butt with a sly grin. It's
also filled from our love making in the outhouse.
:I like having you inside me, Mike.:
My thoughts turn to us having a baby. We're both male so no new life can
come from our love. That's kind of sad.
:That's the part of being a woman I don't want!: Jesse Sends.
I gently laugh. :We perform the love act of trying for a child. It isn't
any less joyful than what a man achieves with his wife.:
Jesse nods. He suddenly turns his back on me and I sense the reason for
it, what he wants us to do together. A silly thing. Yet I'm turning around
to touch butts with him. He grips my hips and I hold his. It's a gesture of
giving ourselves to each other while remaining men. I'm feeling awed.
A warm feeling comes to my heart. Jesse is Sending me all his love in a
way that goes beyond feelings or thoughts. I Answer him in the same manner.
Ours is a wondrous Connection that keeps surprising by what it does for us.
We rub our slippery butts together. Ahhh.
I look around to see if anyone is watching us. Jesse returns to his
bath. My eyes are glued to his little behind. It's filled from me. I long
for when he will act as the man over my back. His talk about being two
spirited comes to mind. I'm not like him. Man! There's a lot to being gay
that I need to understand.
What I do know is that I've bound myself to this person. I'm so lucky!
He's a real Indian that I've longed to meet since I was a boy. Hearing his
soft accent, seeing his gentle mannerisms and good heart, I've really fallen
for him as no white guy could have done for me. Not that there aren't any
good men in my culture to fall in love with. I'm attracted to Jes-ee-ah
because of those qualities in him.
He really is mine in body, heart and spirit. I proposed to him and he
accepted! My nose pains me when I try holding back tears. I've become so
emotional of late because of love. It's a new feeling for me. A source of
strength when things get difficult. I'm glad that I didn't run away. I just
wish that my shoulders weren't carrying the burdens of his tribe. They are
heavy! I'm scared of what's going to happen to me today.
Jesse laughs. He's threatening to splash water at me so I stick out my
tongue, daring him. I'm splashed so I hold up my towel as a shield. After
waiting a moment when there are no more splashes, it's lowered. He gives me
a shy grin. What a youthful face! If I didn't know better, I'd think he was
only in his late teens. He sometimes acts that young. I'm remembering what
he's told me about in the outhouse.
Jesse's distancing himself from me is returning him to that kid I'd met
in my class. Our Connection was giving him a false maturity. Grandfather
wants him to grow up on his own. I so much want to help him with that! We
are always going to be together yet our bond has changed. Our thoughts can
fly to each other with ease but to Reach each other's memories takes some
effort. And either of us can block that.
The outhouse door closes with a bang, taking me from my thoughts.
Running Water comes to us and offers to hold our clothes. I start drying
myself with the towel. The man's eyes look low at me. I'm trying to pretend
that I don't notice his interest but it's making me feel uncomfortable.
When Jesse is done with his bath, his uncle hands him a towel to dry
with. There's no signs of modesty in either of them. I'm feeling a need to
say something to Running Water but the words won't come out. I don't want to
hurt his feelings. And maybe it's petty to tell him but he needs to know
that I'm going to be with Jesse. Exclusively. I don't think it's right for
us to ever be together again.
I step into the tub, behind Jesse and wrap my arms around him. We face
the clothed Indian with my actions speaking loudly for me.
Running Water drops his eyes from us. A mix of emotions come from my
lover for what I've done. Mostly, he feels sad for his uncle. That man
doesn't have anyone to hold. Guilt squeezes my heart.
"There's room in the tub for you too," Jesse whispers.
I'm startled by what my lover said. Running Water's eyes widen when he
too understands the meaning behind Jesse's words. I shed my guilt like a
dried snake's skin. My hand lifts and reaches out for the man. Longing comes
to his face. He starts lifting his right arm but lowers it back to his side.
"The two of you should get dressed," mutters Running Water.
I release Jesse from my embrace and he steps out of the tub. He dries
his feet, puts on the underwear his uncle hands him and then his pants. He's
peeking at Running Water uneasily. I step out next to my lover over a
sunken stone in the ground to prevent my feet from getting dirty. I'm quick
to get dressed. Runner Water empties out the large metal tub. Jesse grabs
the boiling pot.
We walk back to the house. Butterflies fill my stomach when I realize
that the moment I've been dreading has come. I'll be leaving Jesse!
:We were together these past two days, love. Wonderful days!:
My spirit lifts in sweet remembrance. :And many more wonderful days will
follow. I love you and swear that I'll return to you no matter what!:
Running Water is by the sink talking to his cousin in low whispers.
Jesse is sitting with me on the bed holding my hand. I'm feeling very
scared about what I'll be facing today. He's constantly assuring me that it
will be okay but we both don't know what's going to happen. I know that the
Havre police are out for my blood for having attacked one of their own. Are
they going to treat me badly? I've never been to jail before. There are bad
people in there. Stories about getting beat up by inmates and rape comes to
mind. I'm hiding these concerns from Jesse.
I release a tense sigh. Jesse squeezes my hand in assurance but the
worry on his face mirrors my own. His eyes fall to the small bundle hanging
down from my neck. I'm smiling in remembrance. He accepted my marriage
proposal so if grandfather is willing to perform the rite, we'll bind
ourselves officially with the wearing of rings. Will our tribe accept us?
A thought strikes me. I reach to my neck and lift the thong over my head.
My eagle's feather and that small pouch hang down from it. Jesse's eyes
widen. He knows what I'm about to do.
:Wear this for me. They'd only take it from me when I'm put in jail.:
:Okay, Mike. I'll keep it for you until you return.:
I lower the thong necklace over Jesse's head. He gives me a knowing look.
I've decided to give that feather to my lover. He deserves it more than me.
"A real Indian," I mutter under my breath. Jesse turns his head to show how
his long black hair is adorned with it.
One-white-horse and Running Water approach. I turn to them and speak the
formal words Christopher heard when a brave received his first feather.
"Jes-ee-ah has been given a feather for showing bravery in battle against
our enemies. See his black eye? He prevented the Power Bundle from being
taken by Eli Kie so I proclaim him a warrior." The two men pound their
chests. Jesse beams with pride.
:Grandfather gave you the pouch filled with those two rings. He said that
you will know when to open it, Mike. I hope that's sometime soon.:
:Me too. You're only keeping it safe for me until after, you know.:
Jesse gives me a strained grin.
"Are you ready to leave, Mike?" asks Running Water.
I'm swallowing nervously in my throat and nod. Jesse brings his face
close to mine for a kiss. It's bitter sweet. My arms fly around my lover to
prolong it. We kiss passionately as if never seeing each other again!
:We will be together. In all things!: Jesse vows.
Our kiss ends. I'm shyly turning to the men who have been watching us.
No embarrassing expressions come from them and they didn't avert their eyes.
Running Water is smiling. I'm surprised that One-white-horse is too. Hope
rises in me. If they can accept our love for each other, maybe the rest of
our tribe will too.
I turn to Jesse. There's such longing on his face that makes me want
to kiss him again. We press our foreheads together instead. Our arms are
tight around each other in a last hug.
:Be careful, Mike!:
He doesn't mean about me and the police. Eli Kie is the real danger,
especially after he learns that the Power Bundle's spirit has Passed to us.
I take my lover in hand and we get up from the bed. One-white-horse stands
behind Jesse, holding both his shoulders. There's such sadness on my
lover's face. We're only moments away from leaving each other.
"Take care of Jes-ee-ah for me."
One-white-horse stands up tall. "With my life."
I'm surprised by his formal oath but nod in acknowledgement of it. My
right arm is pulled on by Running Water. That gets Jesse's arm to stretch
up in the air when my hand tries keeping hold of his hand. A terrible aching
squeezes my heart. I'm about to burst into tears but clamp down on my strong
emotions. We let go of each other.
:I am always with you, Mike!:
I'm nodding. :I'll see you again soon. Please don't get sad.: Jesse knows
what I mean. I'm worried about him getting sick again.
Running Water leads me out the front door. His red pickup truck is parked
out front and the passenger side door is opened for me. He sets me inside.
I'm in need of his help because I'm feeling stunned, separated from Jesse
and really scared about surrendering myself to the police.
:Be strong for me, love. No crying. I'll be with you so don't you feel
sad either. Okay?:
"Okay," I answer out loud.
Running Water gives me a puzzled look. I turn from him and reach for the
seatbelt. He walks around to the other side of his truck and gets in. The
engine is started.
We go down the bumpy dirt road until reaching the highway. Running Water
turns right and steps on the gas. I'm getting scared. My hand slides across
the seat until finding the man's right hand. He loosely clasps mine.
:Can you Hear me?: I Send to Running Water. No reply. I'm turning to look
at his face but there's no indication in him that he's Heard. Jesse doesn't
respond either but then, my Plea had only been directed at this man.
"We're going to see Mr. Talbert in Chinook. He's going to talk with you
before, you know."
A sharp pang goes through my stomach. I try not thinking about that. I'm
staring at Running Water's face that has turned stone hard. He's hiding his
feelings and that aches me. We've been together in a sharing of ourselves.
Why does he need to close himself up?
"My brother?" The Indian glances at me. I'm sensing something from him
that isn't about the troubles I'll be facing today. I think he's sad about
losing me as a lover. A trembling breath comes out of my mouth followed by
words that I need to say to him. "I'm sorry for acting silly back there
when I held Jesse in the tub and all."
"I understand."
I'm pained to hear his stern voice. "What I'm trying to tell you is that
we can still be together. Jesse said it's okay." Running Water is startled.
He keeps his eyes forward on the road.
"We can talk about this later, Mike."
I squeeze the man's hand. "No. Let's talk about it now. It hurts my heart
to feel what you're going through. I am learning what it is to be gay from
you just as Jesse learned that from Ron. What we share is more than that.
My heart is big enough to love more than one person."
A play of emotion is seen on the Indian's face. He's struggling with
something that I can't glean even by holding his hand. Jesse has the gift
to Peer into people's heads but I can only do that a little.
The silence becomes awkward. I was hoping that Running Water would say
something to accept what I've told him. My left hand squeezes his hard.
"I'm going to need to think about this."
"Okay." We continue to hold hands. I see my brother's discomfort from
staring at him so I turn to look out my window. Houses are passing by. Is it
very far to the lawyer's office? I don't want this moment with Running Water
to end.
:Mike. Can you Hear me?:
:Yeah.: It surprises me that Jesse and I can Send our thoughts to each
other at a distance. I have to concentrate on keeping it though.
:I just wanted to know if you could. Sorry.:
:No! I'm always wanting to be with you even when we can't see each other.
I've told your uncle that it's okay for us to remain being together.:
:What did he say?:
I'm sensing hope in my lover. That bothers me since, well, he's acting
too eager to thrust me into his uncle's arms. Jesse's question is still
upon me so I Answer, :He needs some time to think about it.:
:My uncle thinks that it's my idea and not yours. Doesn't he?:
:Yeah.:
:Mike? I'm not trying to thrust you into his arms if you don't want that
but I've Seen into your head, Felt your feelings for my uncle that is love.
Being with him won't harm our love. Really, it won't!:
I'm reminded that Christopher felt it was wrong to be with other men. He
loved Owopspec but got hung up about sharing that with anyone else even
just to have sex with them. I'm not going to make that same mistake! Jesse
is right about me.
:Where are you, Mike?:
:I'm still here.: I realize that it's getting easier for me to enter that
mind set where my thoughts can be kept hidden from Jesse.
:We'll talk about this another time, love. I know that you must keep your
mind on what's going to be happening today.:
:Thanks.: A concern comes to me that I Send. :Jes-ee-ah? I don't mind if
you want to think to me. I want to know that you're within reach anytime
that we're needing to be with each other. At least with our heads.:
:Okay. I want that too.:
I Feel kisses blown through the air from my lover. I'm laughing out loud.
Running Water gives me that Look. I turn to peer out my window with a grin.
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