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* "NEW TO LOVE" *
* (part 13) *
* by Vince Water 11/03 *
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| Copyright 2002-2006 by Vince Water Corrected 3/06 |
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I'm trying not to get lost in our kisses. So wonderful! Need to keep a
look out for his mom... After forcing myself to pull away, I look towards
the dining room to make sure that we're alone. Jesse Sends me his assurance
that she's in the kitchen preparing lunch. My breaths are trembling. When he
wets his lips, I'm drawn into another kiss. A timid one. It reminds me of
the first kiss I'd stolen from him on this very couch. I look past my lover
to see if we're being watched. His kiss comes to my left cheek. I'm smiling,
turning my head so that we can kiss some more.
Jesse becomes bolder by leaning further into my arms. I deepen our
embrace, lifting him from the couch with my right hand under his butt. We
kiss more frantically. Our tongues take turns in each other's mouths. I pull
away to look around again. We're alone. A trembling breath blows out of my
nose. My lover reveals such longing on his face for me. Is he really mine? I
am nearly brought to tears by the beauty of him. This young Indian. I'm so
happy to have won his heart that it bursts with love and the joy that we are
going to be together as we've hoped. It's really happened!
:Yes, love. We are going to be living together in my mom's house. You're
a good son to her. Thanks. I didn't know what my father had done.:
I Feel grief from Jesse that a moment before had been of utter joy. His
thoughts are being kept from me but I can guess why he's hurting over this
thing. Not so much that his father took money from the house but that he'll
probably not visit Jesse, call him or even send a birthday card in the
mail. In that man's shoes, I'd be ashamed for doing what he did to his wife
and son. I'm feeling really sad. And angry. But what can be done about it
that won't bring more woe?
"Jesse?" He's paused from our kissing and wears a sulken expression on
his face. "I'm discovering that a lot of things just happen in our lives
that we can't control. Some of them bad and not even our fault. It is a
cause for sadness but we need to dwell on the good happy moments least they
pass us by."
"Like this moment," Jesse whispers.
"Yeah." I wet my lips. Jesse closes his eyes and leans forward, bumping
noses with me. I'm tilting my face while he tilts his in the same direction.
We bump them again. I chuckle. "Maybe you should keep your eyes open." My
lover grins. His hands grasp both sides of my face and with careful aiming,
he manages to press his lips over mine. I see him closing his eyes. I've
noticed how he always does that when we're kissing.
His hands rub over my back. My right hand is enjoying the feel of his
butt through his pants. I'm wanting to bring Jesse all the way into my lap
but I know that his mom wouldn't like seeing that if she happens into the
room. Making love to her son behind closed doors is one thing. We're going
at it in her front room where it could be seen. My cock strains inside my
pants. I'm tempted to continue this in the bedroom with our clothes off but
that can wait until tonight. He's gonna get my butt then. I'm not worrying
about the pain 'cause Chris is experienced with getting his taken. I'll
draw on his memories when it happens to me for the first time. I want my
lover to enjoy performing as a man. Doing each other will make us a true
gay couple.
Hmm. Ron didn't let his lover fuck him yet Running Water and him were a
couple for a number of years so it's not right for me to think that certain
sex acts define being gay. I know that it's the love in your heart that
matters. I really like joining myself to Jesse in this most intimate gay
act and hope he'll like it too. We're Joined in other ways that's special.
By Sharing our feelings and thoughts, I've gotten to know who Jesse really
is in a short time. How long have I known him? I'm startled when the
figuring comes up to barely two weeks. I thought it'd been much longer than
that. I've proposed to him on Monday. It's my intent to live with my lover
and his mom here in Havre. Man! How am I going to tell my parents? They
know of the trouble I'm in and expect me to return to Indiana when it's
over with but I'm not gonna. This is my home now. I release a sigh between
our kisses.
"You're thinking too much again," Jesse scolds.
I release a sharp breath through my nose. "You're right. I'm doin' that a
lot. I've left behind my old life an' I'm happy to be with you but there're
still ties back there I'm gonna need to deal with."
"You mean your parents."
"Yeah. Ma was really worried about the legal trouble I'm in. It's gonna
take a least a month to resolve so I have some time before fessin' up to her
about the other stuff she and Pa don't know about. I know it's gonna be a
long and difficult phone call with them to explain things. Me being gay,
staying with you from now on and being apart of the Blackfoot." The corners
of Jesse's mouth are drawing down. "I'm not going to leave you. Ever! I
just hope that they'll understand."
"Maybe you should go see your parents and tell them."
I'm shaking my head. That would mean leaving Jesse behind for a week or
more. No way! An' I just can't face my parents to tell them I'm gay and all.
Better to just cop out and tell them over the phone.
"I can go with you, Mike. If they see me, maybe they'll understand and
won't feel so badly that you're going to be living so far away from them.
I'm lucky that I'll still be with my family."
I'm nodding with understanding. "With us white folk, it's easier to be
parted from our parents than I think it is with those of your culture. I'd
never think of takin' you away from your tribe. Especially now that you're
gonna be followin' your grandpa's footsteps as shaman. Your Ma would've gone
to pieces if I stole you away. Living here with you settled that right off."
Jesse gives me a shy grin that I wasn't expecting from him. This is
serious talk. What does he find so humorous?
"You're talking a little funny."
Jesse has been reading my thoughts so I revert into this easier form of
communication. :What do you mean?: He Sends that my accent changed when I
spoke and how some of my words were older English. A chill runs down my
spine. Christopher talks like that. I lay back over the couch with my head
pressing against the backrest. Jesse takes my hand.
:Mike. It's okay. You weren't speaking from him but yourself. There's
going to be some of Chris coming through because you Merged with him. You
are still you and I love you!:
I'm not so sure. What's happened makes me real scared. How much have I
been changed? It must be more than just talking like Chris. Winna comes
into the room so I straighten up with a feigned grin on my face. I don't
want to be worrying her.
"Jes-ee-ah? I've prepared some sandwiches and coffee for your uncles
outside. Can you bring this tray out to them?"
"Sure, mom."
I watch Jesse leap to his feet and take the tray from his mother. I'm
getting the idea she wants me alone for a talk. Why does that hafta be
right now? I've gotta sort through what's happenin'. Am I still me?
Winna sits down on the couch where her son had been. I'm tensing up.
"Mike. I'm not going to be yelling at you. Relax."
"Sorry." My hands fold over my lap to keep them from darting about. Dread
fills me. That's what Chris did whenever his Pa was giving him a lecture
about something he'd done wrong.
"So. How are you parents?"
"Fine. My mom is worried about what's going on of course." Winna nods.
I'm concentrating on the way I speak so my former self won't come through.
"Will you be seeing them later, after this is over?"
I'm swallowing hard. "I don't know what's going to happen in court or
even when that's to begin. My lawyer is confident that I won't be going to
jail. If you're thinking I'm going to return home after all this, I'm not."
"Won't your parents worry that you'll be remaining here afterwards."
"Like I was telling Jesse, us white folk expect that to happen when
their kids get married." I'm cringing inside for having put it that way.
Winna doesn't bat an eye though.
"You can stay with us for as long as you want, Mike. I was worried about
losing my son to you but... I'm glad that things are going to work out."
"I wasn't gonna run off with him. He still needs you and I do too with
all that's been going on." I'm rubbing my eyes from fatigue. It's difficult
to be just me when Christopher's thoughts and feelings mix with my own.
They're the same for the most part. I'm startled when Winna touches my
shoulder.
"I know a little of what's been happening. Jesse told me this morning
after the police came for you. He said that all this trouble is the result
of how you acted for the good of our tribe. You finding out who murdered
Ron, returning that Power Bundle to grandfather and getting chased by those
two corrupt policemen who want it back. You saved my son from getting shot!
I'm very grateful to you. What I want to know is when all this is going to
end? My house is being guarded by tribesmen because there's someone out
there murdering people like that officer who was involved in all of this."
"I don't know when it's going to end. Eli Kie is causing all that trouble
because he was after the tribe's bundle. He's got it back now for what
that's worth."
"If he has it, won't the bad things stop happening?"
I'm shaking my head. How much should I reveal to her? "He's a Trickster."
Winna gasps. "Yeah. Like you've heard in Indian lore about such a one. He's
not human anymore. Grandfather and the Elder say that he's a servant of Evil
so he's gonna be causing more trouble while he's still on the loose. I wish
that I could tell you more but I'm under oath."
"Jesse's grandfather is coming over tonight. I hope that he'll explain
how that bundle changed the both of you."
"Me, too." Winna eyes flare for a moment, making me realize that I've
confirmed her fears. She'd seen how we were acting as one mind after our
Passing Ritual. That danger has passed. Now, we have to deal with our former
selves. Jesse needs to keep his from overwhelming him and I'm trying to
sort through what happened to me when I Merged with Chris.
Winna looks past me when we hear the front door closing. Jesse comes
into the room with One-white-horse. That man waves a quick greeting then
heads for the bathroom.
I see that Look from Jesse so I open my thoughts to him. There's a
pulling sensation in my head. Now he knows what I've been talking about with
his mom. She takes the serving tray from her son. They exchange glances.
"Oh, Jes-ee-ah..." the woman breathes out in a worried voice.
I'm unable to come up with anything reassuring to say to Winna. What I've
already told her hasn't helped. Anger is Felt from my lover. Not at me.
"None of this is Mike's fault," Jesse says in a firm voice. "I was with
him doing what had to be done for our tribe. The council is behind him. I
want grandfather to tell you everything tonight so that you'll understand."
Winna's eyes come back to me after what her son said. I see the utter
surprise in them.
"You can Talk to Jes-ee-ah from your head?"
I'm slowly nodding. "Even at a distance," I whisper back in Siksika.
My lover suddenly turns towards the hall. One-white-horse is standing
there and he has likely overheard some of what we've been saying.
"I'll be heading home," the man says with a weary voice. "Charlie will
join Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand outside."
"Thank you," Jesse whispers.
:Who's Charlie? That doesn't sound like an Indian name.:
:I don't know him.:
We watch One-white-horse make his way to the front door. Winna reveals
her anxiety for having her house under guard. My shoulders slump. I'm
starting to feel trapped here, wondering when it will ever be safe for me
to set foot outside the door.
Winna is glaring at me. I'm feeling real bad all of a sudden, like this
is all my fault.
"Is lunch ready?" Jesse quickly asks.
His mom nods, turning from us without saying a word and heads for the
kitchen. Jesse casts his eyes down at my feet. I get up from the couch and
go to him, my hand grasping his left arm in assurance. We walk into the
dining room together. He goes to stand by his chair. I'd almost sat down in
mine until remembering my manners.
:Grandfather will explain things to my mom.:
:I hope so. She's really worried about all this, and what little I tell
her only seems to upset her more.: Jesse pulls his chair back from the
table. It aches me to see the distress in his eyes.
Winna enters the dining room with a plate of sandwiches. Jesse offers to
help with getting the glasses but she shakes her head. We wait until her
return from the kitchen. I catch my lover's eyes and Send him as much support
as I can. He smiles a little. We sit down after his mom takes her seat.
The three candles are lit. There's a moment of silent prayer. When Jesse
and his mom are done, I clasp my hands together and pray out loud. "Lord. I
offer my thank for Your many blessings. It is through the trials in our
lives that test the goodness of our hearts and find them worthy of You. I've
come to a good place in my life by having Jesse in it. He completes me. I
ask for strength and the courage to face what is to come. Good friends and
family have joined me on this path. I'm very grateful to you, Lord. Amen."
Winna passes around the plate of sandwiches. I take a few wedges. Our
eyes meet.
"Mike? I am sorry..." Her voice breaks up.
"It's alright, mother. I understand." Winna peers at her other son who
smiles in assurance. The woman releases a tense breath. Then she smiles too.
I'm biting off a corner of my sandwich wedge. My eyes fall to the glass
of milk set beside my plate. That has me grinning. :You had your mom get me
some milk for dinner last Friday.:
:I knew you liked to drink that with your meals.:
:Thanks. It was one of the few highlights in that difficult evening. You
are often thinking about others and, that's why I love you so much!:
:You think about others too, Mike, like offering to help my mom with the
house payments, what she can do about getting her job back and teaching her
MS-Word. Oh. Your laptop is broken! There's a hole in the side of it.:
:I know. Danielson removed its hard drive. He also took that zerox of
Ron's diary from my laptop bag when he was in the house. They were found on
him at the hospital.: I nibble off a corner to my sandwich.
:Can the police find out what you translated by looking at that drive?:
I've spilled some milk down the front of my shirt. :Yeah, they can. I'm
worried about that too. If they learn what Ron had been doing with you...:
:That would really upset my mom!:
:Danielson had already taken Ron's diary from me. Miss Thomas or him could
have hired someone to translate the German entries to find out what Ron had
written about. I'll ask my lawyer to try getting my hard drive and zerox
back from the police. That officer is dead so maybe he didn't get the chance
to hand over Ron's diary to Miss Thomas. I hope not.:
:Does grandfather or the Elder know what Ron wrote about me?:
:No. Only Hawk Flying Over and Running Water know what Ron was doing with
you. They didn't actually read my translations.:
"Will the two of you please stop Talking to each other and eat?"
Jesse and I give her shy looks. Most of my food remains on my plate so I
return to eating. All my sandwich wedges have their corners nibbled off.
That's something Chris always did. Me too. It's comforting to know that we
share some habits. Maybe we're not all that different from each other.
Jesse peers at me. He's caught my smile and returns it but nothing more
is exchanged between us during lunch by voice or in thought.
Winna excuses herself from the table after we're done eating. Jesse
and I task ourselves with clearing it. The dishes are washed. We haven't
been Thinking to each other but I'm still able to Sense my lover's mood. It
matches my own. I hope that grandfather's arrival tonight will set things
straight with our mom.
I fetch the glasses from the dining room. My lover rinses them in the
sink while I'm standing behind admiring him. He has a lithe brown body.
Extra long arms and legs but it doesn't make him look that awkward. His
flowing black hair dances along his back. My eyes are led down to his butt.
They're a fuller shape in his pants than what I'd seen of One-white-horse's.
"Is that all there is to wash?" Jesse asks.
"Yeah." He gives me a sly grin that proves he knows what I've been
looking at. I bring my arms around my lover from behind. He covers my hands
grasping his chest with his hands. In this way, Jesse confirms that he's
mine. We are a couple. It's a wonderful sensation of completion. I have
found that one man for me.
:Yours in every way.: Jesse Sends. :And you are mine.:
Jesse's behind presses against the front of me. My cock stiffens. I
rub my nose through his flowing hair, breathing him in. Ahh. I'm getting
very excited. He is too, humping his butt and his breaths come out as soft
moans. I squeeze my lover in my arms. This moment! It is sweet.
:I am really happy, Mike.:
:Me too. I'm just wishin' that we could be free of all these troubles to
just be together like normal people. Well, I mean still being gay but doin'
regular things in life instead of what's been happening.:
:I know. My mom has been going through a lot, too.:
:She's mostly seen the bad things,: I Answer.
:Give her some time. I know she likes you, Mike. Don't try so hard to
win her approval because you already have that. Grandfather will tell her
what's been going on. All of it. My mom deserves to know.:
I'm Sensing my lover's concern about something. Oh. He doesn't know how
grandfather will react when learning that his former self is trying to come
out in him. Can he even help him? I hope so! Jesse needs to be assured of
this. :He is a wise man. The shaman of our tribe who knew how to Pass that
bundle's spirit into us. He'll help you in this too.:
:You're right, Mike. I shouldn't be worried.:
Jesse becomes tense in my arms. I turn my head to see Winna standing in
the kitchen. How did my lover know? That woman didn't make a sound.
"I have an extra pillow to put in your bedroom," the woman mutters.
"Thank you." I've released Jesse from my arms. Winna lingers for a
moment longer so I'm dreading that she's about to scold me again.
"Mike. It has been difficult for me to accept your relationship with my
son. I only wish that you had been a woman... or he was my daughter or
something." Winna closes her eyes and shakes her head. "I don't know what
I'm saying." She opens her eyes with tears coming into them. A deep breath.
"I see the love in both of you. You're only expressing what's in your hearts
for each other so I don't want to make you feel that it must be kept hidden
as if in shame. Please. Don't mind me while you're in our house. I am happy
for the both of you."
Tears are filling my eyes that I allow to fall. Winna squeezes the pillow
in her arms and heads for the bedrooms. Jesse rushes into my arms. His wet
face presses against mine.
:You sure cry a lot, Mike, but I understand. That was nice of my mom to
say about us.:
:Yeah. She's a great lady. Ah. You're crying too.:
:Only because you've made me break up by your display in front of her.:
:Sorry. I never used to be so emotional before. We've been through a lot.:
Jesse slowly pulls from my arms. He's wiping the tears from my face with
his fingers. I wipe his tears away with mine.
:Remember what you told me about not letting the good happy moments pass
us by?:
"Yeah." I reach over to kiss my lover. He holds me real close as if never
letting go.
Winna is watching television in her comfort chair. I'm sitting with
Jesse on the couch but not really watching the program. We're holding
hands. No kissing in spite of what his mother told us earlier. She's not
ready to see two guys doing that.
We're often gazing at each other. I can't get enough of Jesse's dark
eyes that peer back at me with such longing in them. He looks so young.
Inside him, he's more mature than I often give him credit for. I'm having to
restrain myself from reaching over to give my lover a kiss. We both know not
to do that in front of his mom. At least not yet.
I peer up at the clock. Grandfather will be over for dinner in a few
hours. I'm anxious to see him and hope that he'll be able to help Jesse.
Winna will finally be told what's going on. That's our hope, anyway. I'm
fidgeting out of nervousness. My lover notices, his eyes revealing how
anxious he's feeling too.
"Mike. Let me show you around the house. We have a big backyard I'd like
you to see."
Jesse didn't Mind Speak out of consideration for his mom. I'm nodding.
We get up from the couch with his mom turning to us from her chair.
"Mike. I'm going into town tomorrow. Let me know what you need in the way
of food and such and I'll get it."
"Thanks. Ah. I'd like to go with you because I need to get some things
done." I'm looking down at myself. "I'll buy some clothes, set up a bank
account here in Havre and other stuff that'll come to mind."
"It would be good for all of us to get out," adds Jesse.
"I'll treat us out to lunch." Winna thinks a moment then nods her head.
Jesse leads me down the hall. He makes a quick bathroom stop that
reminds me of my own need then I'm shown throughout the house. I'd seen the
main rooms already (front room, dining room, kitchen and a bedroom) but the
laundry room is new to me. It's a long space filled with the two machines
and some stuff being stored here: paint cans, a tool box, big sheets of
plaster board and plywood, some old pipes, boxes of nails and bags of
cement. That has me wondering if Jesse's father worked in construction.
:He did,: Jesse Answers. :That's how mom got her job as a secretary with
the company. Mr. Spenser was my dad's boss.:
I'm nodding, hoping that Winna will try getting her job back even if it's
only part time. I look around the room with a thought coming to me. A lot of
this stuff could be put in the garage. I remember that old pickup truck
inside there. If it's not running, Winna should get rid of it to make room
and get this stuff out of here.
:I think mom was, maybe hoping that he'd come back to live with us.:
Oh. That explains why everything has been left the way it was. The
construction materials kept in the laundry room, his pickup in the garage
which has been nearly buried with stuff. I'm curious to know how long ago
he left them. I don't want to ask Jesse. That would only remind him of his
deep hurt when his dad abandoned them. I've been blocking these last
thoughts from my lover.
"Does that lead to the backyard?" I'm quickly asking. Obviously that's
the back door to the house. It's not facing the driveway but westwards.
"Let me get our shoes," whispers Jesse. "We'll go outside."
I wait for him to return. He hasn't talked much to me about his dad but
from what I've learned, I know that Jesse has a lot a pain to work past.
His therapist at school tried to help him. Even his mom. They couldn't get
him to talk about it but I have. I'll be there for my lover when he's ready
to let it all out.
I'm peeking through a window at the backyard. It's a large space, filled
with a few trees and what appears to be a garden. The snow has since melted.
Winna will soon be at her Spring planting that I wonder consists of only
flowers or eatables as well. Ma kept an herb and vegetable garden. She was
good at cookin' up whatever was growing in season: tomatoes, beans, squash,
potatoes and the like along with corn that came from our fields. Pa would
sometimes go hunting for deer and possum like his father before him but game
has grown scarce. That's why he wanted to head for new parts in the West
where 'civilization' hadn't encroached. He's a man that likes keeping to
himself, only his family with him.
I realize that came from Christopher. There are lots of memories of him
in my head helping Pa out with farming. They planted corn and cotton, mostly.
It was hard work. In this modern age, our lives have become so easy. We go
to the supermarket to buy vegetables whether they are in season locally or
not. Meat is wrapped in plastic. I'm glad not to be living in his time but
part of me misses certain aspects of it. People seemed closer then. We'd sit
on the porch for hours to talk with neighbors or enjoy festivals throughout
the year that brought the whole town together. Life was more fulfilling back
then. Not the lonely isolation many of us endure now by living in apartments
and rarely knowing who's living next door.
Ma made really good potato pancakes.
I'm falling to the floor with my arms wrapped around my head. Anguish
fills me. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to my parents! I
didn't tell Ma that I loved her or tell Pa. It happened so suddenly, the
capsizing of our raft. Then they were gone.
I hear footsteps coming up from behind so I'm turning with my feet
sticking out, eyes cast down so Jesse won't see me crying. He sets my shoes
down. In numb pain, I put them on. Get to my feet. His hand comes to my
shoulder along with soothing thoughts in my head.
:Mike. That was Christopher's grief for his parents that you should not
revisit. Your own parents are alive. Heed your former self's advice to see
them and say what you need to say. But like his parents, yours already knows
that you love them. The words don't need to be said. Explain why you are
making this change in your life because you've found happiness here with me.
I know they'll understand.:
Jesse is right. I should go see my parents and tell them goodbye.
I'm getting to my feet. Jesse opens the back door. A warm breeze blows
into the room that takes me by surprise. I breathe in the wet smell of dirt
and last year's leaves. We go into the backyard to welcome the coming of
Spring.
"I liked playing in the backyard," says Jesse. "It made me feel safe to
see the trees standing there like sleeping guardians with the rest of their
tribe encamped in the distance. That tree over there has good apples to eat
in the Fall."
I'm looking at the gnarled tree my lover points to. He walks up to it,
placing his right hand over the trunk in a kind of Indian greeting. My eyes
are drawn to a tall oak out yonder. A tire hangs down from one of its
branches by a rope. That makes me smile. I had one in my backyard as a kid.
"Mom used to garden out here," continues Jesse. In a sad voice, "The
weeds have taken over since... my father left us and I've not been out here
for a long time."
I'm looking around this huge backyard. Between the neighbor's fences to
our left and right, I'd guess it measures at least fifty feet wide. There
are four old trees to this plot that stand in no particular order as if they
sprouted from wind blown seeds not set down by man. In the far distance is
a forest. No back fence to hold them back.
Jesse walks along the right side of the backyard that meets the garage.
He shows me a rose bush. His mother's pride, I'm told though from winter
it's only a stark collection of thorn branches. No leaves or flowers yet.
I see where Winna had set up her garden areas along the sides. She
boundaries them with rocks. Grass grows in most of the backyard with little
trespass into her garden. Dead plants and weeds are in there now.
I'm looking up at the sun. Its warmth feels nice on my face. Spring has
truly arrived to these parts that helps lift my heart. I turn to Jesse. He
Feels this same awakening that comes after a harsh winter. His hands lift to
gather up his loose hair to form a single length down his back. I see a
peculiar gleam in his eyes. Before I can ask him about it, he's running to
the tall oak tree. Beside him is a tire hanging down from it.
"My dad used to push me."
I've heard the sad edge in my lover's voice. "Let me give you a ride."
Jesse peers into the tire and frowns. I notice the water myself. With my
hands grasping both sides, I lift the tire and slowly tilt it. :Stand back,:
I warn. Water is emptied out to the ground. It's left a wet spot where you'd
sit so I turn the tire within the loop of rope a quarter of the way around.
:Get in!:
Jesse grins. He grasps the tire and lifts himself from the ground,
directing his long legs through its middle. I notice how low he's sitting.
I'm thinking that his dad had set the tire's height to accommodate a much
younger son. It could have been years since my lover last took a ride.
:Five or six years,: Jesse Answers.
:Is that when your father left you?:
:No. When he last pushed me.:
I Sense my lover's sadness deepening. This should be a fun moment for us
so I'm quick to grab hold of the tire and pull back on it. Jesse gasps. I
release to send him off flying. He's turning slightly, swinging back towards
me with his butt sticking out from the tire. That's too much a temptation
for me to pass up. I push on him there. That sends Jesse flying away with
his long hair trailing behind him. I'm laughing. He is too with utter glee.
There's a crackling sound. I look up to see the rope tightening and pray
that it won't snap! Jesse is swinging back towards me. My hands connect to
his butt and push over it. He daringly raises both his arms like kids do on
a roller coaster ride to prove bravery. I see his eagle feather. My lover
has already proven that he is.
I'm growing concerned about the rope. It's old and weathered from the
passing years. God! Please let it hold.
When Jesse swings back, I don't push him so hard. My left hand doesn't
catch his butt right so he's twisting around a few times. I'm having to do
some fancy footwork to recapture the tire and straighten out his swing. I
push him carefully. Each time, my hands linger a moment over the seat of his
pants. I'm sensing his excitement from me touching his butt in this mere
kid's game. I'm getting excited too.
:Love. You're discovering another way to enjoy this part of me!:
:Yeah. It is nice.: I push Jesse a few more times noticing the tight
bulge in the front of my pants. Tonight, I'll get to fully enjoy my lover's
butt as a man.
:Now it's my turn to swing you, Mike.:
I'm laughing. :You mean to touch my butt!: I grab hold of Jesse's hips
and slow his swing to a stop. We trade places. I've caught the sly look in
my lover's eyes and can hardly wait until he fucks me tonight.
:Hold on tight!: Jesse warns.
Before I can warn him about the rope, my butt is pushed on hard. I'm sent
flying. The wind rushes past me until my feet nearly point to the sky. :Not
so hard, Jesse! I'm worried about the rope breaking.:
:Scaredy cat!: He pushes even harder.
:No, really. Don't you hear the rope frazzling above us?: On my swing
back towards Jesse, his hands grope around my hips but fail to hold onto
them. I swing forward a little ways. He manages to stop me on the return
swing. His hands are all over my butt.
:It is nice,: Jesse comments.
A lusty sigh escapes my lips. :Tonight, you're gonna find out how much.:
:Maybe I can't wait.:
To my surprise, my lover lifts himself into the tire with his legs
running over mine. I'm urged to lift myself. He scoots under me until my
butt fits into his lap. His dick sticks me hard. There's a surging to his
legs, his arms pull over mine above our heads where I'm holding onto the
rope. He starts bucking into me from below. I feel his trembling breaths at
my neck. A slamming of his chest against my back.
:I want you right now, Mike!:
We still have our clothes on. Jesse isn't meaning to fuck me in this
here swing, is he? I Sense utter need in my lover. He's grinding himself
against my butt that reminds me of our first embrace in my trailer. A wet
one for him. He intends to do that again?
Jesse doesn't Answer me. His breaths are sounding like moans while his
body strains under me. I suppose that he does. I'm really excited for him
so I start humping my butt. His dick rams into it. A steady rhythmic beat
that plays my drum wonderfully.
:Mike! I'm feeling real good. Kiss me, please?:
I release my right hand from the rope so that I can turn my head. Jesse
sticks his chin into my right shoulder, our lips can almost meet. There's
such passion in his face for me. His eyes are closed. I struggle to lean
closer until we kiss. Ahh!
Several things happen at this moment. My left hand loses its grip of the
rope. Jesse sticks into my butt hard, unbalancing us. We fall backwards.
I'm Feeling an intense explosion in my head.
We're left feeling dazed. I see our feet are caught in the tire above us.
I'm laying over Jesse. We've fallen to the ground? :Are you alright?!:
:Yes. But my back is all wet.:
Relief fills me. I'm Sensing his male joy that I share in while we're
freeing our feet. The tire swings over us like a pendulum. My lover giggles
under me.
"I'm wet in front too."
"Uh huh." I struggle to sit up without crushing my lover under me yet I
linger a moment over him with my legs folding over the ground. His dick is
felt against my butt. I'm bucking against him to play act getting fucked.
Lots of moaning.
"Silly!"
I get to my feet, turn, and offer Jesse a hand up. He has a wet spot in
the front of his pants. When my lover stands next to me, I peer into his shy
eyes. Is he regretting what he's done? His arms rush around me in a hug. I
complete our embrace and we kiss. It's sweet. I'm pulling away to see if
anyone was watching us. Relief fills me that no one did. Jesse catches my
lips again with another kiss that becomes another, and another. And another.
My left hand is pulling over his butt. I'm feeling the joy from rubbing my
cock against his through our pants.
:You're going to wet in your underwear too, Mike.:
:Yeah!: The thrills are really building up, especially when Jesse lowers
his hand to my butt and pulls over it. We kiss with lots of tonguing. I hear
someone calling out my name.
"Mike. There's someone on the phone for you."
I'm lifting my left hand from Jesse's butt with much regret. Fear comes
to me. That was Winna calling out. Jesse's arms loosen around me. I step
back, try to catch my breath before answering his mom. "Okay... I'll be
right there!"
With dread, I look past my lover for Winna. She's gone. The back door has
been left open. My eyes return to Jesse. He gives me a really shy look.
"Sorry. I gotta go an' see who it is."
"Tonight." Jesse's eyes flare.
"Yeah." We both start laughing. I give Jesse a quick hug, noticing that
the back of him is all wet. :Go change your clothes.:
:I will. Mike?:
I've released Jesse from my arms and have run halfway towards the house.
He gestures with his hands in the old way. I return his gesture, 'We'll be
together again soon.' Chris has seen this ritual farewell between warriors
and their squaws when going off to battle.
After taking off my shoes by the door, I race into the kitchen. Winna is
chopping vegetables. She pauses when I'm bringing the phone up to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Is this Mike Yager?"
"Yes it is."
"I'm calling from the Havre Daily Newspaper. Do you have a moment to
answer some questions about..."
"Sorry, no. I've already spoken with a reporter about it."
"That's why I'm calling. We're going to be printing your statements in
tomorrow's edition and I wanted to confirm those parts you'd spoken in
Siksika if I may."
I release a harsh breath. My face is burning from what Jesse and I had
nearly completed in our embrace. I'm really aching to get back to him.
"Mr. Yager. Please let me know if this is the proper translation of your
words. From Siksika you said, quote: 'I ask for us not to allow our hearts
to hate those who are not our enemy. An evil man has done this terrible
thing. Brothers. Don't be forced into acting badly. Keep peace in your
hearts.' End quote. Is this what you were saying to the Blackfoot People?"
I'm trying to remember what I said to that reporter. "It's mostly right,
I think."
"We'd like to have an accurate rendering, Mr. Yager."
I'm beginning to hate him calling me that. "I am Short Hair to my tribe.
Do you have a recording that I can listen to?" Winna is glaring at me. I
know that I shouldn't be talking to this reporter.
"Yes, I do. Hold on."
There's a fast Mickey Mouse voice coming over the phone. Oh. That's from
him rewinding a tape recorder while still on play mode. I hear a loud click.
My voice is heard over the phone.
"... officer's murder was done to pit the police against the Blackfoot
People. I ask that they restrain themselves and not act like the U.S.
soldiers who fell on them in blind anger and ignorance."
My words then revert into Siksika. I'm surprised by how my voice sounds,
the proper Indian accenting and exhale of breaths. It's perfect Siksika. I
just hope that the People will take heed of my plea. The woman reporter's
voice follows mine on the tape recorder.
"What. What did you say?"
My voice is heard answering her. "I urged for calm. Everyone, the police
and the Blackfoot." A loud click comes over the phone.
"Mike. What do you think of our translation?"
"Not quite right. Can you play it back again and write down from me how
it should be translated into English?"
"Sure. Hold on."
The tape recorder is rewound again. I listen to the Siksika words and
speak them back to him in English: "I ask that we too don't allow our hearts
to burn against those who are not our enemy. A servant of evil has done this
bad thing." There's a pause. "Brothers. Do not be tricked into misdeeds.
Hold peace in your hearts!"
"Thank you very much. I want to tell you, Mike... ah. Short Hair, that
what you said was the right thing to both sides. I've been reporting the
news for quite a few years now and I fear a war is brewing in this town."
"That's why I made that appeal!" My hand grasping the phone is trembling.
"I understand. Ah. What did that hand gesture you made in the middle of
speaking Siksika mean?"
"It's a warding off gesture to evil."
"Oh. Okay, thanks. Mike? You're from Indiana, is that right? How did you
learn to speak Siksika?"
My mouth turns dry. "The Blackfoot are my People now. I wanted to make my
plea clear to them for peace."
"You are a full member of their tribe?"
"I was... and I am." I'm scolding myself for saying it like that. Jesse
comes to my side. His arm comes around my waist.
"Alright. Do you have anything further that you'd like to add about this
matter? What happened between you and those two police officers. Why the
Blackfoot surrendered their sacred bundle to them, their treatment of you in
custody and who you think murdered Lieutenant Danielson?"
"No. My lawyer has advised me not to say anything." I'm looking at Jesse.
There's such worry in his eyes and I Feel his concern for the People. For
everyone in this town. "Ah, Mister..."
"Bradstone."
"Please don't write an inflammatory article. Okay, Tom?" I hear a gasp
from him.
"I'm not. That's the last thing I want to happen in this town is a war.
Again, thank you for talking with me. I wish you luck in your trial."
"Thanks. Goodbye." I'm hanging up the phone. Jesse squeezes me. I turn
to his mother who's been staring at us. She returns to chopping vegetables.
I release a long sigh. There's a pulling sensation in my head. I know that
comes from my lover who wants to know what I've been saying on the phone.
:Mom is worried that you are talking to reporters. I'm going to tell her
that you were only clarifying something you've already said to them.:
:Okay.: I'm startled by the phone ringing. I pick it up. "Hello!!"
"Is this you, Mike?"
"Yeah." It sounds like my lawyer's voice.
"I wanted to call to let you know that Mr. Augusten and his wife are in a
motel. They're in..."
"Don't tell me where you've put them up!"
"Alright. Also, I wanted to tell you that the D.A. has refused to meet
with me. Most likely because of Danielson's murder. I still need you to sign
those affidavits and a complaint against that police officer who taunted you
in your cell. Can you meet with me tomorrow, at my home?"
"Sure. What time?"
"Around two. Bring Jesse with you. I've talked with Elder Quiet-before-
the-dawn to get his permission so that I can hear your friend's account of
what happened."
"Alright, I will. Oh. Can you try to get my laptop's hard drive and zerox
of Ron's diary returned to me from the police? Danielson took it from the
house. They shouldn't be keeping it." I'm also worrying that those porn
images of boys I'd hidden could be discovered. Then I'd really be in trouble.
"I'll talk to Captain Ruston about it. Those items were likely removed
from the house illegally so you should get them back. We've done him a favor
by not making a complaint against his detectives for questioning you without
legal representation."
"No one's gonna try that again. Right?"
"I have Bill's personal assurance on that, Mike. None of his men are
going to bother you anymore."
"And Jesse too?"
"Yes. It's not in their best interest at this time to bring in any
members of the Blackfoot to the station for any reason. He doesn't want to
enflame the situation further."
"Okay, good. Jesse and I will see you tomorrow at two."
"Take care of yourself."
"I will. Thanks for calling." Mr. Talbert hangs up. I set the phone back
down on its cradle. Jesse has been speaking to his mom. They both turn to
me with that Indian Look on their faces.
"Grandfather will be arriving soon. Mike? Why don't you take a shower."
I'm nodding to her suggestion. My eyes flare at Jesse who turns away
from me in response. That stung.
:Go take your shower, love. I'm going to help my mom out here.:
Disappointment fills me. I had hoped we could shower together.
:My mom saw us outside when we embraced and, I think it's best that she
doesn't see too much at once if you know what I mean.:
:You're right. Jes-ee-ah?: I'm reluctant to tell him how excited he made
me outside before his mother interrupted us. No chance of us getting back
together until later tonight, I suppose.
:I'm aching for you too! We'll have all of tonight to be together.:
:I still want you to, you know, join with me like what you were trying to
do outside.:
:That wasn't mere trying, love. I did my best to fuck you while our
clothes were still on.:
:The real thing tonight?: Jesse tosses some scraps into the garbage can
under the sink. He glances at me with shy eyes. I see his face burning with
embarrassment. Winna is chopping some more. I'm glad that she can't Hear our
exchange but my lover's face will reveal much to her.
After rinsing off, I'm taking the razor to my face. It's one of those
expensive metal ones that you have to load blades into. Was this used by
Jesse's father? Probably. My lover's face is smooth like a boy's so it's
obviously not his. A terrible thought strikes me. Could this be his mom's to
shave her legs with?
I step out of the shower and dry off. A sly grin comes to my lips. A
lusty pat is given to my butt that I'll soon give to my lover to make a man
out of him. Is it gonna hurt me a lot? Christopher's memories reveal how
Mr. Telson used him badly. His pain came mostly from getting raped and
having his insides filled from that man's lust. I remember how my butt
almost got taken by Running Water. He stuck me in my bedroom. The pain!
Chris reveals that when he's given himself to Owopspec, the discomfort of
taking that Indian's cock up his butt was cast aside by the strong feelings
of being loved by him. Completely! His brave used buffalo fat and fingering
to loosen his hole before penetration. Later, when he became used to fucking,
Owopspec only had to rim him with spit put inside before they did it.
My face is burning. I'll reveal to my lover what Chris has shown me so
that my butt can be prepared tonight for our first joining. I'm aching to
give Jesse the pleasure of fucking me in spite of any pain. I'll win his
seed in me that Chris thought was the best part of performing 'Indian love'
with his brave.
I'm getting dressed, ignoring the aching from my cock by thinking about
what's gonna happen in bed tonight with my lover. It'll find relief then.
I hear voices coming from the front room when closing the bathroom door
behind me. Grandfather has arrived! I'm rushing to see him and nearly run
Winna over. She hugs me, thinking that's what I had intended.
"Dinner will be ready in half an hour, Mike."
"Okay. And thanks for everything." We separate with the woman looking
deep into my eyes.
"I'd told everyone at the meeting that I consider you to be my son. Now,
more than ever, that is so. You've brought him out of himself." A pause.
"Mike? Be... gentle with my son."
My face burns. In a low voice, "I hope he will be with me tonight." Winna
blinks her eyes rapidly.
"Yes, ah. Ah. I need to get back to my kitchen."
The woman bolts past me. I'm really regretting having said that to her.
That was stupid of me!
After releasing a tense breath, I turn from the hall and enter the front
room. Jesse is sitting on the couch with his grandfather. I'm keeping my
thoughts from being announced to my lover so he won't know what's just
happened between me and his mom. Man! I've gotta think first before I speak.
"Short Hair. Come and join us," asks Shaman He-who-runs-up-mountains.
I'm walking to the couch. Jesse gives me that Look so I open my thoughts
to him.
:Grandfather is going to perform a ritual for us before dinner.:
I'm nodding my head in understanding. The old man struggles to his feet.
Jesse was about to help him but thinks better of it, settling back down in
the couch. A gesture is given from my lover to sit beside him. I do so, on
his right side. Our hands clasp.
Grandfather goes through a leather pouch laying over the coffee table. He
pulls out some things: a rattle, clay bowl, a sprig of sage and a lighter.
Chris has seen these ritual conducting items before but instead of the
lighter, a fire would be burning in the tipi to set the sage aflame.
The shaman places his sage into the clay bowl and lights it. The room
fills with its strong scent. Many of Christopher's memories are invoked by
that smell. I remember a healing rite the tribe's shaman had performed for
him when he'd been with fever, the time his stomach hurt him bad and when
Chris asked the shaman to seek a vision on his behalf to learn if White
People would come and take him away from the Indians. He'd been assured that
it wasn't foreseen. He'd die as one of the People. And he did.
I'm taken from the past by the sound of a rattle shaking. Grandfather
has set a rhythmic beat that is pleasant to listen to because of its
predictability. So soothing, like staring at the dancing flames of a fire.
I'm drawn to a center of my being. A place of utter peace.
My eyes close for a moment. When I open them, there is silence. I offer
grandfather both of my hands when he reaches out for them. They clasp. He
Looks deep into my eyes that are an entrance into my very being. He Sees me.
I'm not afraid that he can because he's a wise man whom I trust and love.
This man's own heart has been revealed to me thusly.
There's a familiar pulling sensation in my head. Not from Jes-ee-ah. I
don't fight it but allow grandfather to. He speaks after a long moment.
"You are the stronger for it," says grandfather.
He means that Change in me. There's no denying the strength from Merging
with my former self but I fear it. What that's meant to my relationship with
his grandson whom I love so much! Jes-ee-ah seems to accept who I've become
but I'm still finding that difficult.
"Put your heart at ease, Short Hair. You are as One."
I'm blinking my eyes from revelation. He called me Short Hair. I've been
given that name by Jes-ee-ah to mean who I've become: his lover, a true
human being in service of my tribe but it's much more than that. Grandfather
just told me that I've become as One. I understand now. Mike is who I was
before - that computer wiz who thought he knew everything but how empty was
his heart. Chris was me before in a former life cut short by a servant of
Evil. Grandfather is right. I am the stronger for encompassing all these
parts of myself. Jesse already knew this, accepted me even before I could.
Now, I'm ready to accept this of myself as well.
"Thank you, grandfather." He smiles and releases my hands. I turn to my
lover who gives me a knowing gaze. The wisdom in him. He is worthy to follow
in this man's footsteps as shaman of our tribe.
Grandfather takes hold of Jes-ee-ah's hands. He Looks deep inside the
youth for a long moment then gasps out loud. His arms are shaking. To see
this disturbs me and I worry for my lover!
"Such anger! That blinds an Inspired One from all else, the good he was
when stumbling from the path of Light when he learned who killed his lover.
Shaman Good-eyes cannot be allowed to be brought forth. Do you hear this?
You will not take over this life! Remain where you are so that this youth
may draw on your wisdom to carry on with the sacred task you Geased one of
our Father's unborn spirits unto. Do not possess him!"
Jesse pulls his hands back and folds them in his lap. I reach over to
cover his trembling hands with one of mine. They grow still. Something deep
in me Goes to my lover that sustains him. Grandfather Sees this.
"I have glimpsed the working of your spell, grandson, but it is fragile
in keeping your former self within. Beyond my ability to help you strengthen
into a proper shield. Short Hair's love for you is the reason why you've
been able to do this. That same love in him as Krist-o-fer appeases the
Inspired One to remain where he is for now. The Trickster's evil taint is
working in both of you yet. It must be cleansed! Only then will the danger
of possession turn to smoke lost in the wind."
"Can you do this for us, grandfather?"
My heart fills with hope that Jesse's plea will be answered.
"No, grandson. I am not skilled to do this thing. Yet I have heard of a
man who can. It is said that he holds other lives within him and that our
Father has special favor with him. I will seek him out."
"Who is he?" Jesse asks. "Is he a great shaman or someone... like me?"
"Many years have passed since I heard of this man. He is a shaman. Not of
our People but his feet walk along the same path of Light. If he's still
alive, I will find him. Only he knows how to help you, grandson."
Jesse and I settle back into the couch. Grandfather returns his rattle
to the leather bag, removing a clay lid that he covers the smoldering bowl
with. I Sense my lover's thoughts racing. Too quick to follow but I know
they are of that shaman who might help him. I lift my face upwards in prayer.
'Please, Lord! Let that old man still be alive and willing to come help us.
I don't want to lose my lover to he who dwells inside him. Jesse deserves
to remain who he is. The young man that I love!'
Grandfather gives me a knowing look. He continues speaking in Siksika.
"Short Hair. With our Father's help, I will find this shaman. He's a
legend amongst the Omaha who possesses many abilities to serve the Light."
I'm nodding my head. Jesse peers at me, a distant look coming into his
eyes that sends a chill down my spine. He's Taken somewhere. A place that I
cannot follow. I'm remembering to breathe with air loudly filling my lungs.
My hand is squeezed. Relief fills me that Jes-ee-ah is back. It's painful
when something happens to our Connection.
"What did you See?" asks grandfather.
Jesse blinks his eyes a few times. There's a strange look on his face
and he speaks in whispered words that's hard to catch.
"A hand opening with a silver ring on the finger next to his thumb. A
butterfly emerged. It wasn't really a butterfly but a winged ball of Light.
What does it mean, grandfather?"
"It takes much training to interpret what our Father reveals."
"You're a shaman," Jesse pleads.
"Yes. But it's your vision, grandson. I will begin your training soon so
that you may lead the People after me."
"I am ready."
Awe fills me by their exchange. It reminds me of what Running Water told
me of this man's vision about Jes-ee-ah: 'When the Flower Moon comes, a boy
of his choosing will blossom into manhood. This new one will be filled from
the Old. He will walk forward with one foot firmly on our Mother while his
other foot rises on a moon beam. His left hand pledged. His right hand to
serve the People.' I squeeze my lover's hand. He acknowledges that what
grandfather Saw is true.
"Grandson. I think your vision is about that man I'll seek for. He has
been reborn and goes by a new name."
Jesse's eyes grow wide. "A young man of the Omaha who's emerged from his
cocoon as that glowing butterfly from the caterpillar he was."
Grandfather nods. Something catches his attention. We all look towards
the dining room.
"Dinner is ready," announces Winna in a soft voice.
Grandfather lifts himself from the coffee table. I hear his old bones
cracking in both legs. A trace of pain crosses his face before it's masked
with a grin. How old is this man? From Seeing back in time in our Passing
Rite, I know he's the son of shaman Good-eyes' son named Meek-buffalo who
had hidden his father's body in the mountains some ninety years ago. That
means grandfather is a little older than that if he was born before Good-
eyes' death or in his eighties if born afterwards. An unusual long life for
a Native American. How has grandfather fend off death until the boy of his
choosing is ready to be trained as shaman after him? Running Water told me
it would take Jesse a lifetime before he learned everything he needs to
know. I don't think this old man will see that many more moons.
:Don't feel sad for our grandfather, Mike. He's lived a very long life.
Think of the changes to our world his eyes were a witness to. In his boyhood
years, our People were being forced to leave the buffalo plains. They were
put into a Reservation when he was a young man. Too old to attend white
man's school, he learned shamanism from his father like his father before
him, my former self. I'll learn what I can from grandfather in the time
remaining to us.:
:Running Water said that would take you a lifetime.:
:Yes. That is so. Our People's sacred ways and rituals will be passed to
me by grandfather before he goes Above. What takes a lifetime is for me to
fully bring into my heart what I've been taught and finding my place in
harmony with the All. Do you know what I mean?:
:I think so.: Fear comes to me by what that will mean for our relationship
when Jesse undergoes training as shaman by his grandfather. The time we'll
likely be apart and afterwards, when he assumes that role in the tribe.
:Mike. My left hand is pledged to you while my right hand serves the
People. This was foretold in grandfather's vision. You will always have a
place in my life!:
:I'm sorry for doubting that.: Grandfather is asking me something.
"... have Running Water join us for dinner."
"Yes, grandfather." Jesse follows him to the dining room where his
mother awaits. I'm walking to the door with an aching in my heart to see my
brother. Where are my shoes? Oh. I'm racing to the laundry room and fetch
them. They're hurriedly pulled on by the front door. I step out into the
twilight that comes before night. Still so warm outside, reminding me that
I don't know what's happened to my jacket. Was it left at Mr. Talbert's
house, in his car or at the police station? My heart skips a beat when I
spot a red pickup truck parked at the curb. I'm walking to it. Running Water
sees me and gets out.
"Is everything alright?"
I quickly raise my hand in assurance. We meet on the sidewalk. I'm needing
to hug my brother but I don't want anyone to see that. Where are the others
who supposed to be guarding Winna's house? Charlie comes to mind. He relieved
One-white-horse earlier and I'm curious to see if he's a white guy or Indian.
"They've gone home," answers Running Water.
I glare at him. He's read my thoughts?
"I'm waiting for Hawk Flying Over."
"Oh." Running Water turns from me to kick a stone into the street. I've
caught a glimpse of something on his face he couldn't hide from me. I take a
quick look around. Then I'm giving my brother a hug that traps his right arm
between our chests. It feels so good to be holding him.
"Okay, Mike..."
He's tapping my right arm in a gesture to let him go. I'm feeling very
strongly for my brother. I've really missed him! It's a love that's similar
to how I feel for Jes-ee-ah, more than from my heart. His body tenses up in
my arms for not letting him go. What's wrong?
Running Water slowly pulls out of my embrace. He turns to me with a shy
expression on his face. I'm revealing how I feel for him on mine. His eyes
drop. A sharp aching fills my heart because he can't accept that nothing has
changed between us. I still love him!
"Your eyes hurt me, Mike."
I'm closing them. From Chris, I know how some Indians found it difficult
to see the intense emotions on his face that a man usually guards against.
He found it hard to control them. I am too but there's no shame to reveal
what I'm feeling for this man. Why does he need to hide the love that he has
for me? Unless... it's no longer there in his heart.
"Here's your wallet, keys and watch that I've kept for you."
"Thanks." I shove them down into my pocket. An awkward silence follows.
"Grandfather asked me to invite you inside for dinner."
Running Water nods. "I'll wait until Hawk Flying Over arrives."
By that, does he mean I should go back inside the house? I stand at his
side in silent defiance. Another thing Chris has learned from the Indians
comes to mind. I'm swallowing past a hard lump in my throat. I don't look
at Running Water since he's avoiding my eyes, a similar thing Owopspec has
done to Chris when in council or before a group of warriors so he won't be
shamed. I find my voice. "I'm sorry for making that display. How we feel
for each other is not for others to see."
Running Water doesn't answer me. I dare to catch his eyes but there's
nothing in them for me to read. Such a stoic Indian face. That gets me
angry because I deserve more from him!
:Love. You really need to learn patience," Jesse Sends.
My nose pains me when I try keeping tears from filling my eyes. :Why can't
he acknowledge what we've felt for each other? He's acting like that INDIAN
I'd seen when we first met. Silently proud, emotionless and the rest of it
that outsiders see and therefore thinks about them but I'm no longer an
outsider. I know who he is. Him and me... loved!:
:Did you ever consider that he's hurting bad inside?: Asks Jesse.
I'm hurting inside from feeling his rejection! A surge of emotions run
through me: bitterness, fear, hope, anger then compassion. Such conflict in
me. It's difficult to handle. I take a deep breath to calm myself.
Words come out of my mouth not from me. "You deserve to have a man of
your own, Running Water. Put aside your mourning for Ron. We have comforted
each other during a difficult time in our lives. I'll always cherish that."
"Mike..."
I'm startled by a brown jeep pulling up behind Running Water's pickup.
It must be Hawk Flying Over. He can't see me crying so I'm running back to
the house. My shoes are quickly removed inside the door. I tip toe along
the long hallway that passes the bathroom and ends at the kitchen. To my
relief, Winna isn't in here. They must be sitting down to dinner. I'm not
feeling hungry so I head for the bedroom. My head is numb.
I lay over Jesse's bed with my face buried in the pillows. I'm acting
really stupid and know it. I just can't help myself. A part of me understands
what's going on so I should accept it. I can't though. Everything that I've
been though, all the trials, anguish and pain runs through my head. It's too
much! I need some time to sort through things or I'll go insane. Not now
though. I'm hurting real bad and have caused this in others.
You were patient with me, Wind-go-through-his-hair. I'd taken Owopspec
from you but you didn't act jealous or get angry with me. You waited until
my heart could accept that we could all love each other. That's the Indian
way. Running Water stands in that place I was as Chris. Well, sort of. He's
keeping himself from me so that I can be with Jesse. That will allow him to
keep his heart open for a man of his own who can love him completely. My
brother deserves that. Those words I'd spoken to him outside had come from
Christopher. He understood Indians much more than I do.
Why can't Running Water accept that we're still going to be together? A
struggles ensues inside my head. Part of me wants this but part accepts that
things change. No! I don't want to lose him!
My head feels strange all of a sudden. It's like I've fallen from a great
height and wait for that sudden stop. The ground doesn't come up yet. I wait
in dread anticipation. Waiting...
I lift my head from the pillows. Darkness surrounds me though I'm able to
make out the faint glow from a night light along the wall. I must have dozed
off for a bit.
I'm turning onto my back. That's when I remember seeing Running Water
outside and how he hurt me! Chris seems to understand how he acted. I don't.
That Indian could have at least explained to me what's going on instead of
keeping silent, hiding his eyes and rejecting my hug! Tears sting my eyes.
There's a soft knock at the door. Dread fills me. Is that Winna asking me
to come to dinner? I don't want to see anyone right now.
The door opens. It's Jesse. He closes it behind him and comes to sit in
bed beside me. I'm not able to make out his face.
"Are you ready to eat something?"
"No." I'm startled by how sharply I said that. Jesse finds my left hand
and grasps it.
"Mike. You've really upset Running Water. He was so quiet when he came in
for dinner and left right afterwards to join Hawk Flying Over outside."
Anger fills me. "He really hurt me! Acting like nothing happened between
us and all. Why does he have to be so... Indian!"
"He's feeling bad inside."
"I Heard you telling me that already! He didn't explain why and you're
not telling me. How am I supposed to understand what's going on?" Jesse
breathes in sharply. I'm unable to see his face in the dark or sense his
thoughts. That may be me blocking them, out of anger.
"Grandfather realized what must have happened outside. He kept me from
going to you so that you could work it out on your own. It looks like you
haven't though."
I squeeze Jesse's hand really hard. "What haven't I worked out?!" He
pulls his hand away. I've Felt his pain, both from his pinched fingers and
in his heart by what I've said. Guilt fills me. Yet I'm unable to bring
myself to say that I'm sorry. An uneasy silence comes between us.
"Mike..." A trembling breath. "Running Water hasn't stopped loving you.
He just can't show it."
"Why?" Jesse remains silent. I'm racing to try and figure out the reason
but it doesn't come to me. Chris made me say something to Running Water.
Something about him deserving to find a man of his own and that we were
comforting each other in a difficult time in our lives. Does that mean it's
over between us? Anger fills my voice. "From the start, I didn't want to be
with your uncle but you pushed me to be with him. Even your grandfather. Now,
it's like everyone is against it. Why the sudden change! Has Running Water
found someone else to be with?" I could accept that reason.
"No, Mike."
I'm pounding the bed between us out of frustration. "Just tell me what
the hell is going on!"
"Grandfather has called for an emergency meeting tomorrow evening. All
the chiefs and Elders will be there to explain things to the tribe. It's
going to be a big event. A war must be prevented. What you said to that
TV reporter was good, Mike. At that meeting, the People will be urged to
remain calm. You are going to be introduced to them as a full member of the
Blackfoot. Some might not accept that. You've not undergone an initiation
expected of an outsider. Even worse, there are those who already suspect
that you and I are a couple. Grandfather says that could cause trouble
because I'm going to be named shaman after him. The People may not approve
of me leading them if I'm gay. We have to be on our very best behavior and
in time, they may come to accept this about us. That's why grandfather asked
Running Water to stop being with you."
Truth. What my lover has revealed puts me to shame. I'm wiping my wet
face with my arm. He's right. Running Water knows that I'm going to be with
Jesse so he's letting go of me in his heart for both our sakes and for the
good of our tribe. I've been acting very selfish and stupid.
"I'm really sorry, Mike. I know that I've told you to be with my uncle
because there was no denying how the two of you felt for each other. Not
out of guilt for me being with Ron! I didn't know if we were going to be
allowed to be together. I'm glad that mom is finally accepting this about
us. Running Water was asked to stop seeing you. I didn't know this until
grandfather told me a little while ago. My uncle is hurting bad. You were
going to be told but you ran away and hid in the bedroom. Grandfather asked
me to let you be, that you'd work it out for yourself. I didn't think you
would. Now you know. I'm sorry!"
I reach out for Jesse and hug him. "No. I'm the one who's sorry! I've
acted badly, haven't I? Running Water should have told me outside but I
suppose he couldn't, not with Hawk Flying Over expected to arrive at any
moment." I'm realizing something else. Running Water might not accept what
grandfather asked of him. How can he be expected to stop feeling love in
his heart for me? No. He's been asked to stop expressing that for me.
That's the difference. I'm not going to stop feeling love in my heart for
him but we won't be allowed to be together anymore.
"Mike? You know why this is going to be harder for my uncle."
I squeeze Jesse in my arms. "Yes. He doesn't have anyone. I have you."
"Grandfather knows we've been Geased by that bundle's spirit. We're to
bring the truth of what we are to the People. We have to show that two guys
who love each other is a good thing, no different from how a man feels for a
woman. It's not their approval that we're seeking but that they can accept
this. And not just for us, Mike. There must be others in the tribe who are
hiding that they're gay. If we can, through our good example win acceptance
of the People, those others like us will have the chance to find fulfillment
in their lives too."
I'm feeling ashamed. I wasn't thinking ahead like Jesse has.
"Mike? There's something else I've noticed about you that I want you to
realize. Don't get mad."
"Okay."
"You're very possessive," Jesse whispers. He takes a deep breath. "Love
is freely given and not something you can own like a thing. You have this
from my uncle so don't hold it so tightly in your hands. Grandfather asked
him to hide away his feelings so others won't see it. You didn't outside.
That reminded him of his pain both for himself and you. A great burden on
his shoulders without your support in this thing."
"You're right. I shouldn't be thinking of only myself." My thoughts turn
to my brother who must go on without me. That seems so unfair. I've finally
come to understand that it's okay to feel love for more than one person. Both
from what Christopher discovered when he loved Wind-go-through-his-hair and
Owopspec and when I came to love Running Water and Jesse. The People would
find this too hard to accept. That's what being gay is usually thought of -
a bunch of guys fucking around with each other. No commitment to one mate.
"Mike. You have come far already to understand what it means to be one of
my People. There is much more to our lives than what your eyes merely see.
You have opened your heart, Seen with inner eyes and believed. I know that
this was done out of your love for me but you've also accepted taking on the
responsibilities of our tribe. Try taking just a few more steps. I'll be
there for you should you stumble."
That's what I promised him when he was afraid to come out of himself. We
both have a lot to learn. Strength comes from us doing that together.
Jesse takes me away from my thoughts by his kisses. I drink of his love.
We hold each other in the dark without thought of anything or anyone else.
I'm sitting at the table with Jesse. Two candles are lit with their tiny
dancing flames that often draws my eyes. Standing beside them are three unlit
candles. Grandfather and Winna are in the front room talking. Running Water
is outside watching the house with Hawk Flying Over. I take a bite of food,
drink from my glass of milk and wipe my mouth with a napkin. My lover sits
at his customary place at the table, too far for us to hold hands but his
twinkling eyes are on me. I smile back. We've not been talking or Thinking
to each other while I'm eating but there's no need to. Our emotions Pass
between us. It's kind of like an embrace where we share the warmth of our
bodies, little kisses to show love, a soothing squeeze and all the other
wonderful sensations that are felt from that joining. We're never alone.
I nibble on some corn bread. It's very moist and I'm enjoying the corn
bursts that reminds me of how Ma often served this with our meals. Such a
long time ago. Chris drank milk too but it wasn't cold from refrigeration.
I notice that my glass is empty. Jesse gets up from his chair and takes it
from me to get some more from the kitchen. He's so responsive to my needs.
After I'm finished eating, we wander into the front room. Winna sees us.
She's getting up from the couch with a dazed look in her eyes. Jesse meets
her near the couch with his hand grasping her arm in assurance.
"I'm alright," Winna whispers.
We watch the woman go into the dining room. She looks really upset.
Grandfather casts his eyes at me and gestures that I sit with him. Jesse
goes to sit over the coffee table. There's still a lingering odor of sage in
this room that reminds me about rituals. They've always comforted me, ah. I
mean Chris.
My eyes close for a moment in remembrance. Another shaman had sat with me
to explain the ways of his People so that I could better fit myself into
their lives. He was called Comes-the-rain. An Indian of age like grandfather
and very wise. I liked talking with him about things that troubled my heart.
A visitor comes late in the night. I'm layin' over a sick mat in the
lodge because my stomach has been hurtin' me bad. My shaman hand gestures
with this strange young man. I'm peeking at them through mere eye slits,
feigning sleep.
A dark cloud obscures what happened next. There's a voice inside my head.
'I've told you that your shaman would not understand. His is a good heart
but our path diverges from his in service to the People. I will tell you a
thing to prove this is so. Comes-the-rain has denied your lover's desire to
perform a marriage rite for both of you. He fears losing respect of the
People if he were to even though your warrior's father is chief who carried
his son's request to perform the rite by your shaman. He refused to.'
"How can you know this?" My anger is actually directed at my shaman. He
doesn't want to bind Owopspec an' me as a couple?
'I have Looked into Comes-the-rain earlier. You were watching our words
that were not for your eyes to have seen. I needed to know who you are.'
"You didn't come here 'cause of me."
'No. This other matter was only just revealed to me by our Father. It
concerns your warrior. I... will tell you but afterwards, your memories of
me and what we've done must be blocked in your head to prevent Evil from
learning about it. You are scared about this. Don't be, Krist-o-fer. Have I
not revealed only truth to you and ask first before taking?'
I'm startled into opening my eyes. That was a memory from my former self.
Not a complete one though.
"Has you heart at ease?" asks grandfather.
I note the clothes this old man is wearing. Blue overalls and a crumpled
white shirt. No feathers in his long hair. I've returned to the Now as Mike.
Jesse Looks at me in a way that reminds me of what we talked about in
our bedroom. Grandfather wants to know if the anger in my heart has cooled.
"Yes, some."
"Mike. I forget you not born of the People so that bring wrong thoughts
in head, a hurt in you heart. My heart hurt also of this thing I asked."
Grandfather used my Christian name. He's right. I'm not Indian so there's
bound to be misunderstandings because of our differing cultures. I recall
Owopspec calling me 'Kris' when disagreements broke out between us to remind
me of those differences. I'm realizing something. I'd never been given a
Blackfoot name. Everyone called me 'Krist-o-fer' even after my initiation as
a brave. In this life, I have been given a proper Indian name: Short Hair.
I'm reverting into Siksika to speak as one of his People.
"Please forgive how I've acted, Inspired One. My heart is quick to anger
when I should consider others beyond myself." Grandfather releases a sigh.
His arm comes around me.
"Love can be like the swollen river overflowing its banks after the storm.
Quick to find the easiest path."
I'm nodding my head in agreement. "In its fury, many things are drowned."
Jes-ee-ah's eyes become bright. I'm Feeling his approval for my good words.
"Words are easily spoken, Short Hair. How will you act to prove them so?"
How sharp this man's barb is to my heart. He's right, though. The mind
can be clever but reigning in the heart a much more difficult thing. Indians
have learned to this do from birth. I'm gonna have to try from now on. He's
waiting for me to answer. "I shall not give my heart an easy voice from me."
"Good, Short Hair. Learn to temper your emotion as if it's a wild horse
you're breaking in. That wildness is never gone from your mount but subject
to your ever vigilant control."
I'm noticing how grandfather speaks in parables. Shaman Comes-the-Rain
did the same thing so that I could more easily see the situation by stepping
back from myself where I'm blind sided. Ah. With Chris, that is. It's getting
harder to separate him from me. What he experienced with the Indians and how
he thinks. We are the same person now. Grandfather continues speaking.
"Who you were as Mike was in denial of his true self. You've become a
human being through my grandson's love and made sensitive to the Light by
that bundle's spirit. This is a difficult time for you, Short Hair. I Sense
your struggle with self. When you can accept that Krist-o-fer is part of
you, then will you find harmony."
"He knows some good things," I'm half muttering to myself. Christopher
had spoken to Running Water outside the house to reveal his understanding
to that man. I was being selfish. From anger and pain, I acted badly to my
brother and even to Jesse. I yelled at my lover!
:I've forgiven you, love!: Jesse Sends. :Let me guide you through the
ways of our People since, like Chris, you will be living with us from now on.
Your former self can help you too. Try to listen to the wisdom he's gained
by living with the Blackfoot.:
:Okay. I will.: Grandfather is smiling. He's able to Hear our exchange?
I'm directing my thoughts at him. 'Running Water is in such pain! Cannot I
comfort my brother since I do love him.' The man frowns. Anger comes to me.
'No one should tell us what we're supposed to do!'
"A chief does not lead men by imposing his will over them. He suggests
what is good for their tribe."
I revert to speaking out loud. "Running Water accepts that he must deny
our love?" Anger was heard in my voice.
"For the sake of his tribe," answers grandfather, "but mostly for you."
I'm sucking a breath through my clenched teeth.
"You are given too easily to your emotions, Short Hair. Think first, then
act properly. When you have learned control as a man must..."
Hope fills me! Grandfather nods in reply to the unspoken thing between us.
"I understand." I'm turning to Jesse. :Help me to act as a man.:
:I have been, love but that begins with yourself. From all your Selves.
Christopher is not trying to take you over. He is who you are now."
Fear squeezes my heart. :You're not giving into your former self!:
:No. It is wrong for Shaman Good-eyes to try coming out in me. I don't
understand why he acts to do so. It's more than out of anger when he learned
that Eli Kie murdered his lover. I won't risk Asking him because that could
cause our Merging. Grandfather will seek out that Omaha Shaman to help me.:
"Short Hair. There's going to be a big meeting tomorrow night."
I'm nodding my head. Jesse has already told me of it.
"I want you to come at six to the Meeting Lodge in Browning. All the
chiefs of our People will be there to speak with you."
I'm feeling tense. "What's gonna happen?"
"You will find out. Your former self went through something similar."
I delve through Christopher's memories of important rites he endured.
Many were painful to prove that his body was frail. He learned that
strength comes from deep within. That spirit we both share.
I'm reminded of what Shaman Comes-the-rain failed to do for Christopher
and Owopspec. That same mistake cannot be repeated. The People must see
that two men who love each other can bind themselves too. In a formal voice,
I address grandfather. "Shaman He-who-climbs-up-mountains. I ask that you
perform the rite of marriage for Jes-ee-ah and myself."
The old man nods. "You are the keeper of rings I've given you."
"Yes." I'm looking down at the small bundle hanging from my neck. I peer
at Jesse sitting over the coffee table, reaching my left hand out to grasp
his. "I have proposed to him, grandfather."
"I have accepted this man to love with all of my heart," Jesse answers.
"Very well," the shaman answers. "When the Flower Moon comes, I shall
perform that joyous rite of binding."
I'm holding back tears. My face had been plain of emotion to show that
I can control what others see. Jesse squeezes my hand. His surge of love
for me breaks my resolve. Tears of joy fall. Grandfather looks at us with
an understanding grin.
"It makes me very happy to see the love two people have for each other."
The old man lifts his hands. "I ask for our Father to bless your union. I
ask that He open the eyes of His children so that they will understand."
Jesse comes to sit in my lap. I hold him close in my arms while burying
my face into his neck. :Please let them understand! I love you. There's no
shame in this.:
:We will open the People's eyes to this truth, love.:
I Feel such a resolve from Jesse, like he really has the power to do so.
Someone is coming into the house. It's Hawk Flying Over.
"Greetings to you, grandfather. Hello Jes-ee-ah... Mike."
I'm peeking around my lover to see that man. There's nothing on his face
to show what he thinks about Jesse sitting in my lap. I've told him about
us already but him seeing it is another thing.
"Is Running Water still outside?" Jesse asks.
I've Felt something from my lover when asking his uncle that. Winna comes
into the living room.
"You missed dinner but there's plenty of leftovers for you to take home."
"Thank you, aunt." Hawk Flying Over nods at his nephew in answer to his
earlier question.
I've avoided looking at Winna. Her eyes are felt on my back while I'm
holding her son close to me. It's both exciting and a bit embarrassing that
everyone in the room knows we're a couple. They are seeing this with their
own eyes. Nothing is said about it.
Grandfather struggles up from the couch. Jesse takes him in hand to the
dining room with Hawk Flying Over following behind Winna. I slip away to the
front hall. My shoes are put on and I'm flying out the door.
It's grown cool outside and very dark. I'm wrapping my arms around
myself when in search of Running Water. I stumble down the sidewalk. There
are no street lights along the street to guide me. When reaching the curb,
I carefully step ahead to where my brother's pickup should be parked. A
door creaks open.
I'm getting in and shut the door, turning to Running Water but I can't
see his face in the dark. He remains silent. What should I say to him?
"Grandfather has spoken with you?"
"Yes." My stomach tightens. "I didn't know what he'd asked of you earlier
so please forgive my bad display."
"I understand, Mike."
Does he? I wet my lips to explain, "My head is a bit messed up." I'm
startled when the man takes my hand into his own. "Grandfather asked that I
guard against my emotions from showing for you..." Running Water laughs out
loud. Now I'm really startled.
"Mike. I am sorry about what happened earlier."
My heart lifts to hear this from him. I'm squeezing my brother's hand.
"Me, too. Nothing has changed in my heart for you. I want to know if
anything has changed in your heart for me? I hope not..." I'm rushing for
more words to say to get it all out of me before I burst into tears.
"Hold up there, Mike. Nothing has changed for how I'm feeling for you."
A pause. "We need to be careful about expressing that for each other. Okay?
There's a big meeting tomorrow."
"I know. I'm going to be formally introduced to the Blackfoot as a member
of them. Again." That last word had come out of me. Running Water remains
silent so I'll explain that. "My former self was. Ah, as Christopher."
"Yes. Grandfather has told me."
"I'm needing to recover from that. Kinda like what you saw happening to
Jesse and me after our Passing Rite from the tribe's Power Bundle when we
were acting as One."
"Mike. You are going through a lot, aren't you?"
"Yeah. If not for Jesse being there for me..." My mouth shuts.
"I've let you down when you needed me."
"No! We were both in pain earlier but... How are you now?" He reveals a
light heart and we are holding hands, talking with ease like nothing has
changed between us. I'm wondering what happened between then and now.
Running Water releases a loud breath. "I've been talking with my cousin."
I'm trying to recall how much Hawk Flying Over knows about us. He'd
thought Running Water was my lover until I revealed that it was actually
Jesse. He sure didn't like that, thinking him too young for me and all.
"We can go over to his place anytime we want."
"Oh." The man's hand tightens around mine. "Alright. I'd like that." Now
I'm confused because of what grandfather told us about not getting together.
"He's concerned about you revealing too much, Mike. Your face, that is.
And how you act up sometimes. I understand what you're going through. The
rest of the tribe doesn't. You're going to have to endure what Ron and I
went through. To hide yourselves from them as we did."
"No."
"What? Mike. You need to listen to grandfather in this..."
"He knows something you don't. Listen to me, brother. That spirit in the
Power Bundle was Geased by Shaman Good-eyes to reveal a truth to the People
that those like us are not bad. Jes-ee-ah and I are going to prove this is
so by just being ourselves. There's something in the both of us that will
burn away the wrong thoughts of those whom we meet."
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"You will, my brother." :Jes-ee-ah? You knew this!:
:Yes, love. It's good that you've realized this Power in us at last.
Give your brother a kiss then get back in here.:
"Running Water. I should go. But first, can you give me a hug?" Before I
finished asking him that, the man's arms were coming around me. We embrace.
It feels good, a healing to my heart that was breaking earlier. I'm Feeling
our own connection. One of emotion that assures me that we're going to
remain together. Part of me is sad though. Am I being selfish to hold this
man's heart when he could be keeping it open for another?
:Love. My uncle is old enough to know what he's doing. He'd been with Ron
for six years and learned a lot more about being gay than the two of us
combined. Please don't say anything more. Okay? You've both come to an
understanding so I don't want your mouth to trip you up. Come back inside.:
I loosen my arms around Running Water. I've decided against giving him a
kiss as my lover asked. Not out of defiance. It's just, well... Now the
moment for it has passed.
"Good night, Mike."
I'm opening the truck door and slip out without answering him. My throat
is too choked up. If there were light enough to see Running Water's face,
I'm sure it would be showing everything that he's feeling. No need to see.
I can Feel him inside me. Our love. I'm lingering a moment on the sidewalk
before turning to go back into the house.
Hawk Flying Over is getting his shoes on. I'm taking mine off next to him
in the hall when our eyes meet.
"Have the two of you come to an understanding?"
I'm nodding. My face burns so I have to look away. That's when I notice
the grocery bag at the man's side. Probably filled with containers of
Winna's cookin'. The Indian reverts into Siksika when he speaks to me again.
"Short Hair. Let me welcome you into our tribe. You're not... who I
thought you were and, well. You're welcome to come to my house anytime. Not
just when Running Water takes you over there."
We're shaking hands. I peer into this man's eyes with a chill running
down my spine. I'm not sure what to make of that. He releases my hand, grabs
the grocery bag and goes out the door. My eyes fall low over him. Nice butt
on him. Shames comes to me. Don't I already have my hands full with Jesse
and Running Water?
I enter the front room. Winna is sitting in her comfort chair with the TV
on. Jesse is sitting with grandfather over the couch. I'm not sure where to
go sit down. The coffee table?
Jesse lifts his arms above his head and yawns. I'm catching his intent
by the intense emotions coming through our Connection.
"Good night, grandfather. Mom. We're off to bed."
"Okay. See you in the morning," Winna answers softly.
I'm yawning. I don't think that's fooling anyone though. Jesse walks to
the dining room with me close behind. By the time we reach the kitchen,
we're holding hands. In front of our bedroom, my lover turns to me for a
kiss. Our frantic hands are rubbing all over each other's back with my left
hand going low for his butt. He's pulling over mine. There's a blood rush
into my cock that I'm pressing over his. It feels good.
:We're going to wet in our underwear!:
He's right. With much reluctance, I force myself to pull away. We're both
breathing hard. My eyes go to the bedroom door with a sly grin coming to my
lips. Finally! We're going to be alone together.
"Mike. I'd like to ask you something."
"Yeah, sure."
"When we go inside our bedroom, let's close the door on everything that's
a burden to our shoulders. All the troubles, our responsibilities to the
People and you with all your worries. Okay? We can return to all that in the
morning. The couch has been a good place to talk about them. Let's just
enjoy being with each other in the sanctuary of our bedroom."
I stand up tall. "I promise." Jesse nods in acceptance of my oath. When
opening the door, I startle my lover by lifting him in my arms with his feet
pushing it inwards. I'd seen that done on TV when the groom carried his new
wife over the threshold. He's giggling. After his head makes it clear into
the room, my foot pushes the door closed with a bang. I carry him towards
the bed and drop him over it.
"Be gentle with me, love." A giggle.
So. He knows what his mom had asked of me. "You were peekin' in my head!
I'm gonna teach you to be good from now on, Jes." My hands rush to his chest
to tickle him something fierce. Then they lower to his belly that gets him
laughing the hardest. I reach down to his feet and pull off his socks. He's
kicking to avoid my tickles to him there.
"Stop, Mike! Okay. I promise not to be peeking in you so much. Stop it,
please!" Jesse pleads in his high-pitched voice.
In feigned anger, "You better be good from now on!" Jesse gives me soft
puppy eyes that melts my heart. I've Seen that from him instead of with my
eyes. I'm realizing that's how he Sees how I'm feeling because the darkness
in this room obscures my face.
"Mike? I can't help but know what's happening with you. When you're sad,
angry, glad or very worried. That makes your stomach hurt or it's there to
see on your face. You're not good with blocking your feelings from me yet.
Only your thoughts sometimes. I want to know how you are. I'm relying on you
more than I've told you about or to grandfather. We're in this together. For
better or worse."
I recognize those last words Jesse spoke. They come from a marriage vow.
We have gone through worse these past two weeks so it can only get better.
It has to start with us; how we treat each other. A sharp pain squeezes my
heart. I'd yelled at him. I did that terrible thing! Such guilt in me for
acting so stupid when he came to explain things to me about Running Water
that I should have known. Chris did.
"Shh, Mike. I've forgiven you. Please try to accept all parts of your
Selves to be that man I love... Short Hair."
"Neet ahkse." Those words from my lips sound strange to Mike but not to
the man I'm becoming. I'll try to do as grandfather asked. Accept myself.
Jesse lays down over the bed with me joining him at his side. My head
settles over his lap. I feel his male bulge against my cheek. I'm tempted to
mouth his cock through his pants but that will lead to something more. We'll
have the whole night to enjoy ourselves. I want just a little more clothes
time with my lover to get to know him better. That sounds silly. We know
each other so well already from our Connection. It's difficult to explain.
"Mike..."
"Yeah?" Jesse's left arm comes around to pull me to lay over him. Our
faces come together. A kiss. I can't make out his face in the dark but I'm
Feeling his love for me bursting in his heart. :I really love you.:
"Me too. So much do I love you!" Answers Jesse.
The sides of our faces press together. Cheek against cheek. I am so happy
at this moment that I'm almost fearing that it will end. Like we don't
deserve to have this moment together. We've been interrupted before. Someone
calling me on the phone, maybe his mom will knock on our door or yet another
trouble will come that we'll have to deal with. Anger fills me. I've made
that promise to leave all our cares outside the door.
"We are going to have this night together, love. No matter what."
"Yes. We are." Our lips find each other for a kiss. It's very sweet. His
lips move against mine while our noses rub together in a small kiss of their
own. Jesse's hands rub all over my back. I'm pressing my full weight down
on him knowing that he wants to feel that. My hands reach under his head,
getting tangled in his long hair. Our kissing grows frantic. I'm sticking
my tongue into his mouth that he sucks on. I get my turn sucking on his.
We're grinding our cocks together that are quickly building towards an
explosion.
:Mike. We have to stop... Okay?:
:Yeah. Let's not wet in our underwear. I wanna do that in your butt.:
:I'm going to in yours.:
:Yes, my love. I really want you to.: We've stopped kissing. Jesse is
gasping for breath under me so I turn myself and fall on my right side over
the bed. He brings my head to rest over his chest.
"Mike? Thanks for bringing me out of that place where I was hiding inside
myself. It's been hard out here. I'll stay, with you at my side."
Jesse is reminding me that he's autistic. My love has brought him out. I
remember when we first met. He was a shy youth who wouldn't shake my hand
I'd offered him in class. I heard Jesse's first laugh when my motorcycle's
headlight lit him up like an angel outside in the parking lot. He didn't
speak a word to me until his mom had driven us to my trailer, him saying
how Ron had died there. Not what I was expecting to hear from him.
"I did say goodnight to you, Mike."
"Yes. You did. I loved hearing your Indian accent when speaking my name."
Jesse reverts into Siksika. I'm listening to the soft sounds of his words
instead of translating them.
"Ne stoa pinnan jeh ah-eene, Sah-kee-otokan."
I wet my lips and answer him. "Ah. Ne stoa pinnan jeh ah-eene, Jes-ee-ah."
He giggles at me. "What?"
"I'm remembering how clumsily you first spoke those words to me. Your
obvious white accent, running the first two words together without exhaling,
mispronouncing the word for 'we'... Yet your heart was in it."
"I'm speaking Siksika better now. It didn't take me years to learn like
you'd said."
"Only two weeks. You pretty good talker, Pale Face."
We're both laughing. Our Connection has given me that ability to speak in
his language and even to know his thoughts. Hmm. Indian magic. It no longer
scares me.
Jesse's chest returns to its gentle rising and falling beneath my head.
I'm noticing that he's been fingering my hair. Little turns around his
forefinger that sometimes slips from his thumb. My right hand is tangled in
his length. Hair covers my other hand that's grasping his slim shoulder.
"You'll notice a change in my appearance tomorrow, Short Hair."
"What change?" Jesse doesn't answer me so I tug on his hair.
"You'll have to wait and see."
"Can you give me a hint?"
"Maybe. It was pretty warm today. Thanks for pushing me in the backyard."
"Don't try to change the subject. Are you going to give me a hint or not?"
Jesse giggles.
"I just did."
I'm shrugging my shoulders. Just have to wait 'till tomorrow, I suppose.
Happiness bursts in me to be lying next to my lover. We have this night to
enjoy each other but I'm content to wait a while before getting naked.
"Do you want to see my room?" Jesse asks.
"Sure." He strains to reach across the bed for something. A lamp turns
on. We sit up together with my eyes roaming along the walls. I see a few
posters. One depicts Indians dancing at a powwow. Another shows them as a
free People in the old days while a third poster takes me for a turn. It's
of the Beatles.
"I like listening to their songs," Jesse explains.
"Me too." My eyes spot some toys sitting over his dresser. I'm scooting
off the bed for a closer look. Jesse comes to my side. He turns the key to
a mechanical monkey who bangs two cymbals together. I see the delight in his
eyes at the noise he makes. A windup car catches my eyes. He gets it going
across the dresser, catching it in his hands with a grin.
"What's his name?" I ask when pointing to a brown teddy bear. Jesse
becomes shy.
"He used to sleep with me until mom scolded me for that."
I'm Sensing from my lover that this child's toy comforted him in the
dark. His mom didn't approve of that. I bring the teddy bear into my arms
saying, "You now have both of us to cuddle in bed." A strange look comes
from Jesse. He opens the bottom drawer to his dresser and places his toys
into it. My arms tighten around his little friend.
"I am a man now," Jesse explains. "No need for such things."
"Even for Teddy?"
"You can have him, Mike."
I turn to Jesse and press the little bear between us. In a squeaky voice,
"Let me sleep with you both. I won't tell mom." Jesse smiles. From within,
I'm Sensing his longing for his bedtime friend along with embarrassment. In
my own voice, "He's helped keep you company when you felt so alone."
"Yes. But I have you now."
With my right foot, I close the bottom drawer. Teddy is brought back to
bed and set down between the pillows. Jesse pulls the blanket back. I'm
Sensing his desire for us to make love. He gasps sharply. I see something in
our bed that the blanket had covered. A beaded leather pouch.
I'm Sensing very strong emotions from Jesse. His face is flushed. Wide
eyed, he stares at the pouch that I think his mom had put there tonight.
It's an Indian fetish. Chris has seen them crafted for all sorts of uses: to
protect a newborn child from evil spirits, in shaman healings, to Call for a
return to the buffalo in Spring dances and other Blackfoot ceremonies. Why
is this fetish in our bed?
"Mike!"
My lover chokes up. I know this fetish means something very important.
I'm getting that from our Connection. "What does it mean?" Jesse gropes for
my left hand and firmly grasps it.
"After I was born, mom put that cord connecting us inside it."
"Your umbilical cord?" I ask.
"Yes."
Jesse turns to me. There are tears in his eyes. When he smiles, I know
that this fetish is a good thing.
"This is her way of letting me go. To let you have me. Mike?"
I bring Jesse into my arms and hold him close. "I understand." We hold
eac other for a while. Teddy's big black eyes watch us. I know he's happy.
We're laying in bed with the light off. Our clothes lie in a heap on the
floor. Teddy sits near our heads. Winna's fetish pouch is at our feet. I'm
holding my lover close to me but we're not ready to make love yet.
"But we are, Short Hair. I feel the warmth of your body against mine, the
smell of you in my nose and your breaths are felt on my face. We're together.
Aren't we both Feeling that?"
I've been stroking over Jesse's long hair. My fingers come to his face
that I trace out in the dark. A broad forehead. Between his eyelashes, I
follow his nose down to his lips. They're trembling. "Can I kiss you?"
"Silly. That's what I wanted you to do that first time you tried in the
front room. Remember?"
"Yeah. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to kiss you so I didn't."
"You blew it alright. Told me that I had a booger hanging down from my
nose. I'd Sensed your fear and both of us ended up disappointed."
"I tried again after dinner."
"You more than tried, Mike. I had closed my eyes so you could enter in
your laptop's boot password and that's when you kissed me."
"It was nice but when you didn't react like in shock or something, I'd
thought you didn't want me to."
"I was scared, a little. No guy had ever kissed me before."
I'm shaking my head in dismay. Ron had fucked him lots of times but that
part of Jesse wasn't reached by that man's lust - my lover's heart. He'd
given it to me first.
"Yes. You wanted me in a way no man had before, Mike. My body learned
what the act of love was all about from him. Your kiss was a new experience.
So wonderful! What you yearned to have made me shy though."
I lean my face close to his until our noses touch. Jesse wets his lips.
There's no need to ask if he wants me to kiss him so... I do.
:Are you sure Teddy won't tattle on us?: Jesse Sends.
I'm blowing a sharp breath out of my mouth in a burst of laughter. Jesse
fills his lungs with it. :It's too dark for him to see us kissing!:
:He can hear really well with those big ears of his.: Jesse giggles.
:Maybe if we both give him a kiss, he'll not tell.: My lover tightens his
arms around me. We're kissing some more until thoughts of Teddy fade from my
head. I'm feeling my manly desire for this man. My cock grows long against
his, mashing together when my left hand pulls over his butt. He holds mine.
I'll be giving myself to him tonight.
We pause from kissing to take breaths. Jesse has been feeling all over
my butt, palming over my cheeks and wiggling a finger between them to find
my hole. I spread my legs.
"Mike? It hurts a lot the first time," he warns.
"Then why did you let Ron?" I was reluctant to ask him that.
"He wanted to. And I wanted him to show me what it was like."
I'm feeling mixed emotions about what he's said.
"Ron thought I could be gay and I needed to be sure. He opened a part of
me that wanted to fulfill a man's need. Not for love. It's hard to explain...
I'm Shown what happened between them. Ron had taken Jesse to his bed a
few times to offer him male relief through handling. Sucking on his dick was
too ticklish. When the man tongued his hole, that drove Jesse wild. He let
the man fuck him. It was painful the first few times yet he also felt the
joy from having their bodies joined. That proved he was gay.
:Why did you want him to finish inside you?: I Ask. Some embarrassment
comes through our Connection but Jesse reveals why he did.
:I'd Felt Ron's thrills as a man when he fucked me before. He'd pull out
to squirt over my cheeks. I wanted to feel that inside me so that's why I
reached back to grab his butt near his ending to have him do that in me. It
was very thrilling for both of us. A rite-of-passage for me that proved I
was gay.:
:Okay. But once you knew you were gay, why did you let him keep fucking
you? He had Running Water for that.:
:Ron wasn't with him for a while. My uncle was undergoing a rite with
grandfather in October that required him to abstain from sex. I offered that
man relief.:
I'm Sensing more from Jesse than he's admitting to. He wished that Ron
was his lover but knowing that Running Water had already taken that man's
heart, gave of himself to satisfy that shadowy form of love coming from lust.
Ron was caught up in it along with Jesse. There was no turning back for them
after that.
"Mike? About me and Ron..."
I squeeze Jesse in my arms really hard. :My love, there's nothing for me
to forgive. That man showed you what it meant to be gay. He didn't try taking
your heart; only your butt.:
"I love only you!" Jesse vows.
"I know." Some guilt tugs at my heart for having given it to his uncle as
well yet Jesse accepts this and now, so do I.
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End of file: NEWLUV13.TXT The story continues in: NEWLUV14.TXT