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* "NEW TO LOVE" *
* (part 4) *
* by Vince Water 5/03 *
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| Copyright 2002-2006 by Vince Water Corrected 3/06 |
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I notice the silence. The truck's engine vibration against my window
has stopped. I open my eyes, pulling my forehead from the cold pane and
turn to Running Water. I can't see his face; tears are swimming in my
eyes. Is he mad at me for knowing that it was his nephew who has captured
my heart? A sharp pang fills my stomach. Winna knows about us too! I
remember seeing Jesse's face when he was dragged from the stage by her.
Such pain was in his eyes.
The silence in the truck is like the uneasy calm before a storm. Fear
squeezes my heart. Is he going to yell at me for what I've done with his
nephew? I fumble with the door handle and slip out, nearly falling to the
snow in my rush to get away. My legs are trembling. I push the door closed
with a bang. Bitter cold assaults me and I realize that I'm without my
jacket. I start walking towards my trailer. A crunch of snow with each
labored step.
At the stairs leading up to my door, I reach into my pocket for the
keys. Not there. My other pocket is also empty. No wallet? I'm trying to
understand why. They can't be in my jacket. Then I remember that Jesse's
mom had washed our wet clothes after shoveling her driveway this morning.
They must have been left in their laundry room.
I hear the truck's door slamming. Running Water comes up behind me,
filling me with dread. I'm about to explain that my keys have been left
at his aunt's house. I can't... go back there. There's a rush of breath
out of my lungs when I mutter Jesse's name. My throat constricts from
unbearable anguish. My chest feels like it's been kicked. Hard. My
eyesight turns gray. There's a falling sensation...
I feel an arm around my shoulders, pulling me to sit up. Something
warm is pressed against my lips. A mug.
"Drink this."
The liquid burns my tongue. It's coffee. I'm urged to take another sip.
Strength slowly returns to my limbs. I'm surprised that Running Water is
caring for me. He should be mad. I watch the mug being set down on the low
table at my knees. The man's hand squeezes my right shoulder that causes
tears to fill my eyes from his compassion. A sob catches in my throat. I
bury my face in his chest, crying like a baby. He tries shooing me.
"Shh. It's alright, Mike. Shh."
"I'm sorry! Jesse..." My throat is too tense to utter another word.
Running Water keeps holding me while I cry. Tears are streaming down my
face like there's no tomorrow. My eyes are really hurting. I feel the
man's arm tightening around my back, the warmth of his chest against my
face. I hear his softly spoken words asking me to stop crying. I'm
unable to find the strength to do so. All is woe in me. My feelings of
loss, guilt and great sorrow are too much to bear. Jesse has been taken
from me!
For a long while, the Indian holds me close.
I've cried myself out and am left feeling empty; weary. A ringing
fills my ears. Running Water's arm pulls from my shoulders. My head falls
back until it strikes the couch. I'm feeling stunned. My mouth hangs open.
Air fills my lungs then escapes; a gentle rhythm for me to concentrate on.
My eyes focus and I see the Indian looking at me. No emotion on his face.
There is an intense gaze in his eyes which causes me embarrassment. I can't
tell what he is thinking about me: sad, mad or concerned. I'm forced to
look away.
Alarm fills me when I see Running Water getting up from the couch.
I grab his arm. "Don't go! Please..."
"I'll be right back, Mike."
The panic in me fades. He's walking towards the back of my trailer,
to the bathroom. Its door closes behind him. I'm left feeling angry at
myself because of my silly display. I take a few deep breaths. That helps
clear my head. I'm feeling real tired. My eyes close for a moment of rest.
Running Water returns to the couch. I turn to face him, wetting my
trembling lips before I speak. "What's going to happen to Jesse?"
"I don't know."
I see the mix of confusion and worry on the man's face. He wasn't
expecting me to ask that. "I mean... Is he going to get into trouble? I
don't want his mom yelling at him because of me! He'll hide inside himself.
Not come out." My throat chokes up. I was going to mention that I know he's
autistic. Fear wells up in my heart. In a low voice, "She won't let me come
over to bring him back out of himself like I did before to make him well."
I flare my eyes at the man.
"What do you mean?" asks Running Water.
The Indian's eyes widen after saying what he said. He looks at me real
intently. I nod my head to confirm what he suspects I was trying to say.
I look deep into the man's eyes, pleading with him while hoping that
Jesse won't get sick again. I'm sure of what I did to make him better
but it's something that's hard to explain. How I tried to Mind Touch with
him that still seems like magic. He wouldn't believe me. Words spill out of
my mouth anyway. "We're connected."
"Connected... How?" asks Running Water.
I swallow nervously in my throat. "Your grandfather told us. But Jesse
and me already knew that, how our thoughts touch." I point to my head.
Then my hand lowers to my heart. I'm feeling such pain by being kept from
Jesse. Such fear in me! We won't be allowed to be together. I drop my
hand to my lap and recall that the shaman knew about us being lovers too.
There's fear in Running Water's eyes. That same look from Winna when
she realized I knew of Jesse's ability to read thoughts. "I'm not going
to tell anyone. I swear it! He is special that way and it's made us
become closer. I really love him." My eyes shut tight to prevent myself
from crying again.
"When did... Have you been with him?"
I've heard his emphasis on the word 'with'. I nod my head, opening my
eyes to read Running Water's face. It is revealing. Not anger as I was
expecting nor worry. I see understanding in him. That helps soothe my
aching heart.
Running Water opens his mouth to say something but he doesn't. I lower
my eyes when muttering, "That's why I couldn't be with you." I'm cringing
inside for having answered his unspoken question.
The man releases his held breath. "I understand now."
My eyes rush to his. "I'm sorry! but I was afraid to reveal our secret.
Jesse wanted you to know so that you could help us with his mother, to
help her understand that we want to be together. Need to be!"
I see Running Water nodding his head. His lips are curling into a frown
that frightens me by its meaning.
"That is going to be very difficult now," the man whispers. "She knows.
Without giving me or her uncle the opportunity to break it to her gently.
And others may suspect that you and Jesse are together by the way she
reacted at the meeting. That's going to be hard for my aunt to deal with.
The humiliation after she..."
My head hangs with shame. I know what he means. Winna had announced at
the meeting that she considers me her son because of how I helped Jesse.
Now, she thinks I've betrayed her trust in me.
Running Water's eyes focus on my chest. I look down, seeing the small
leather pouch against my shirt. The shaman had given it to me. Does he
know what's inside it?
"From my grandfather?" asks Running Water.
I nod my head. "During the drumming, he performed some kind of ritual
for Jesse and me behind the stage." A faint smile comes to my lips in
remembrance. "The shaman accepts who we are to each other. He gave me
this bundle saying to open it when I know to." Runner Water's eyes widen
with understanding.
"Mike. I am sorry. You weren't meant for me as I'd thought."
My chest is squeezed from deep emotion. "I've lost Jesse!"
"No. You can still hope for love."
I've heard the bitterness in the man's voice. His lover is dead. My
fingers grasp the small bundle a moment before tucking it back inside my
shirt. I know what it contains now. Yet Jesse will be denied me because
his mother found out about us. I've lost my lover too!
When I dare lift my eyes to Runner Water, his face is stone hard. The
Indian is hiding his emotions from me but I know that he's thinking about
Ron. My hand finds his and squeezes it. "I'm sorry about what happened to
your lover."
"Eh, eeh-too."
I shrug my shoulders from not understanding what he's said. The man
is fighting back tears. His nostrils flair from the effort. When the
Indian has regained his composure, he looks at me for a long moment.
"Mike. I will do what I can to help you and Jesse. You will have to
be patient. Don't try to see him."
I'm nodding my head. "I've left my wallet and keys at his house." I
wonder how Runner Water was able to unlock my door. Does he have my stuff?
"I have a key to give you," Runner Water explains while handing it over.
"Ron kept a spare hidden under the stairs."
"Thank you." I set it down on the table beside the coffee mug. Another
concern comes to me. "I'm teaching class tomorrow night so I'll need the
keys to my motorcycle." My eyes are pleading. I'm hoping that he'll go
over to Jesse's house so that he can see if he's okay. He could also
give him a message from me.
"I can drive you to class. Do you need some money?"
"No." I blurted out that word with my hopes dashed.
"You had left your jacket behind in the auditorium so I'll return it to
you tomorrow. I will speak with my grandfather. He can help. Ah, Mike.
Winna needs some time to think. Don't try to speak with her."
Understanding fills me. "Does she know about you?"
Running Water nods. "It isn't talked about. Even when Ron was adopted
into our tribe, Winna couldn't accept him."
"Because he was gay."
"Yes. But I think it was much more than that. She couldn't understand
why I was with him. That he made me gay or something."
My eyes widen. "Winna will blame me for making Jesse..."
"She will also be angry with me. I had often taken Jesse here to have
dinner with my lover. Ron thought he might be gay. We wanted to help him
understand what that meant. If he was."
I become very angry when recalling what that man had done to Jesse.
"It was wrong what you did. He's even more confused!"
"Mike. What are you talking about?"
I glare at Running Water. "Jesse has told me everything! How he caught
you two in bed and that you let him watch after that. Ron took advantage of
him because of it!" I see the Indian shaking his head. His denial makes me
angrier. "Ron had sex with him!"
"That's a lie!"
Running Water jerks his hand from mine. There's shock on his face and
his dark eyes are filled with fury. I endure his gaze. Though I regret my
last words, they were the truth. He gets up from the couch and staggers
towards the door. I rush to my feet. Something needs to be said to him.
Before I can, the Indian leaves my trailer with the door slamming behind
him. A blast of cold air assaults me. I feel a chill to my heart because
I've made things worse!
The clock beside my bed reads 8:46pm. I've been staring at it for
hours. I can't go to sleep. Troubling thoughts keep going around my head.
My stomach is hurting. Not from hunger; I'm worried about Jesse. Is he
okay? Running Water is really pissed at me. My anger had made me blurt
out those words without considering how they would hurt him. I don't
think he even believed me.
Another glance is taken of the clock's glowing red display. I angrily
knock it to the floor. My blanket is pushed away and I leap out of bed.
I'm thinking of running away! I've made a mess of things here.
No. I can't leave Jesse! I'm falling to the floor with my fists
pounding. Again and again. The carpeting prevents my hands from hurting
and that makes me even angrier. I'm powerless to do anything! I can't see
Jesse and I won't leave him. Running Water isn't going to help me after
what I've said to him about Ron.
My fists slowly relax. There's a tingling from my right pointing finger
so I see if it's been hurt. No. I drop my hand back to the carpet. When
pressing my weight down, there's a depression to the floor here under the
carpet. My pounding must have damaged it.
I notice my trembling. I'm only wearing underwear. There's no heater
in this room because I'd loaned it to Mr. Augusten. I could get one from
the kitchen but I'm not feeling up to getting it.
A yawn comes out of me. I get up from the floor and jump back into bed.
I'm feeling sleepy. The blanket is pulled up to my chin. Another yawn.
When I glance at the clock, it reads 10:13pm. Something nags at me, like
I've forgotten something to do or rather, that I have missed something
important. The wind howls outside my window. A cold chill runs down my
spine. I reach for another pillow to cover my head for warmth. My fingers
touch upon something. It's Jesse's underwear.
I bring it back to my nose. Ah. Still sweet smelling. My feeling of
Jesse becomes strong as if he is with me! My eyes close. I bring his
underwear down to my chest, embracing him tenderly as I fall asleep.
The painful pounding in my butt ends. I hear the man's low ending moan
of pleasure. He tried pulling out at the end but my hands had reached
back to his violent humping, trapping his body over mine. A sly grin
comes to my lips. I've caught his sperm in me but not his love. It's the
same game we play when we're together.
"Verborgen unter."
I hear my soft Indian voice ask the man, "That's me?" A soft giggle.
"No. A secret that I'd like you to remember, Jesse."
I'm startled awake. My breath trembles when recalling my strange dream.
It was about Ron and Jesse. The last time that they were together. I felt
what Jesse felt when Ron fucked him: the uncomfortable fullness in his
butt he endured to satisfy that man. Not from love but to be gay. His joy
to express himself with sex that gave him a deep sense of completion.
Ron had whispered something in German. Jesse read the man's thoughts
to translate them: secret under. That had him giggling. He was performing
as a gay bottom with Ron while keeping it a secret from Running Water.
Anger fills me. They didn't feel guilt from what they were doing! Only
the joy from having sex. At least Jesse understood that it wasn't love.
I scold myself. It was only a dumb dream; not real. Probably a way
for my feelings of betrayal and pain to come out when I slept. But why?
I've forgiven Jesse. It wasn't his fault that Ron had used him for sex.
I'm angry at that man! His secret has been revealed to Running Water last
night by me. Maybe that's why I dreamt about it.
I glance at the clock but find it missing from my nightstand. I'd
knocked it over last night. When slipping from my bed, I find it on the
floor. No red digits are displayed on its face; lifeless.
I'm trembling. I run through my trailer to the kitchen as if being
chased. The portable heater is switched on. I glance this way and that.
What am I afraid of?
There's the faint glow of morning coming through the window. I don't
know what time it is but I'm relieved that I won't have to go back to
sleep. I don't want to dream again. My arms are huddled around myself to
keep warm. I need to get some clothes on. The kitchen will warm up then I
can make some breakfast.
My hand reaches down for my stomach. It's aching me but not from
hungry pangs. I go to the table and sit down. The chair feels cold
against my butt. Air is taken into my lungs then released. I see my
breaths blowing across the table as an expanding cloud. The tiny hairs
lift at the back of my neck. I remember watching a movie about ghosts -
that when angered, they can make the room cold.
"What do you want?" I shout! My eyes search for Ron's ghost.
A part of me thinks that I'm acting silly. There are no such things.
Yet another part of me... I clutch the bundle hanging down from my neck.
I'm pinching it, trying to feel what it contains. It could be two rings.
Ron's and Running Water's wedding bands? The shaman said that I would
know when to open it. Will Jesse and I ever wear them as a couple?
'You can still hope for love.' That's what Running Water told me. His
lover is dead but Jesse and I still have a chance. My heart aches. I
want, no NEED to be with him that is more than to embrace our love. I
can't explain it. We have become two parts of a whole. One spirit. Jesse
has been completed by me from his broken self. His mother noticed that
change in him. She said I was the reason for it. That's why she named me
her son at the tribal meeting. Then why... Why can't she accept that we
love each other? What is so terrible about being gay?!
An angry cloud swirls over the table from my breaths. I try calming
myself. My last thought remains unanswered in my head. It just is.
Everyone thinks that we're bad for being gay. A man shouldn't be with
another man because it's unnatural, not meant to be.
I have been with Jesse. It feels right. He makes me feel very happy,
completed, and is the most natural thing in the world! We love each other.
Two persons who want to be together. We just happen to both be guys.
What if Jesse were a girl. Would I want to be with... her? Not for
sex but we'd still be good friends. I'd help Jesse through the handicaps
that person faces by teaching, from listening and being there for that
person. Would I have tried as hard to help Jesse if he were a girl?
Being attracted to Jesse because he is a guy combines all my other acts
of friendship. It's brought us closer together. The teaching, caring and
listening are just as important as the sex. Jesse and me have something
else that binds us together. We're Connected in an unusual way. He can read
my thoughts and I have Felt his. That's bound our spirits together. He also
took what he needed to be a whole person from me while I...
What have I gained from Jesse in our connection? Am I changed? There's
no one in this town who knew me before we met to tell me if that's so.
I've been holding my breath. I release it slowly, no angry swirling
in the air like before. The room is warming up. My eyes close. I press my
palms against my head and try feeling what is different about me. Not to
think about it.
I am a better person for having met Jesse! He's given me back my
humanity that's been lost. Burying myself in the computer had denied it.
I didn't know how unhappy I was until he helped me face my true self. To
be gay. That came from our love.
I sense something deeper. There is a change in me. It's nothing that
I can put into words but know it is so. My heart longs to be with him and
I ache to have him in my arms yet my spirit is not in pain. We are still
together. Jesse won't get sick like before. I know this. He's drawing
strength from me even though we are apart.
A deep sense of peace flows through me. Jesse is with me. For always.
I'm laying in bed. The clock has been returned to my nightstand after
plugging it back in. I've set the time by my watch. It's 7:49am. My
thoughts turn to teaching tonight. I doubt Running Water will be giving
me a lift after what I said to him last night. That was so stupid of me!
I've hurt him bad.
I'll call Miss Owens later to ask if she will drive me to class. I'm
not looking forward to that. Maybe I should tell her that I'm sick and
cancel class. It's true. My heart is broken over Jesse. The strange
thing is that I'm not feeling bad as yesterday. It's like a storm has
passed. I remember my terrible fear and the pain from what's happened
but... Am I going crazy? How do I know what I know? Somehow, I just do.
Jesse hasn't been lost to me. I can still Feel him.
I shut my eyes and concentrate on being with Jesse. My inner sight
fills with the glow of his smile. It warms me. I'm assured that my other
self is well and he is thinking about me, sharing the same fears and
hopes. We must be patient. Things will work out for us to be together
physically. How I long for that! To hold Jesse in my arms. Kisses. That
ache in us will be satisfied to join with what we are sharing now.
I'm drawn away from that wonderful place where I was. My breaths are
racing. How weak my body feels! I hear someone knocking on my front door
so I get out of bed. Walk. It's difficult putting one foot in front of the
other. What's wrong with me? A man is coming into my trailer and he turns
to me. There's a startled look on his face. It's Running Water.
A flood of emotions pour through me: surprise, happiness and relief. I
rush to hug him. This is real. It's as if I've awakened from a dream. I
feel the blast of cold air against my legs. His bulky jacket presses
against my chest with its padded arms snaking around my back. Gloved hands
are gripping me. My face is tickled by the man's long hair.
My anguish pours out of me. "I'm sorry... so sorry!" His arms tighten
around me for a moment. Then we're standing apart. I see the man's eyes
fall low on me, to my underwear. That's all I'm wearing. He turns to
close the front door.
"Aren't you cold?"
I'm nodding with my hands dropped over the front of me. The man
reaches down for my jacket that's fallen from his hand during our hug.
He wraps it around me.
"How are you, Mike?"
"I'm alright."
"Jesse called me. He's doing okay."
I knew that. "Is his mother still angry at me?" Running Water releases
a sharp breath. He gestures for us to go to the couch. We sit down. The
front of my jacket opens to reveal my bared chest. The man averts his eyes.
"Winna is keeping Jesse home today from school."
Hope fills me that I could go over to see him!
"She's taking off from work," he warns. "Jesse called this morning to
tell me that I won't have to pick him up from school."
I'm nodding my head. "Did he... say anything else?"
"No. He couldn't."
Running Water removes his gloves. He looks around the room when the
silence between us becomes awkward.
"Thank you for driving me home yesterday." A stupid thing for me to say.
"I'm sorry about breaking your drum." The Indian's face is unreadable. I
think he's hiding the pain that I've caused him. "Running Water. I didn't
mean to hurt you by what I said."
"Is it true? Jesse told you that Ron had..." His voice breaks up.
My eyes lower to the gloves Running Water is twisting around his
fingers. I can only nod in reply. "Jesse knows what you and I did." Those
words had sprung out of my mouth. The man gasps. "He said that we can..."
I swallow my remaining words.
"Mike. Why are you telling me this?"
Fear squeezes my heart. He may be taking my confession as a hint that
I want to. "Jesse knew about us from being in my head! I couldn't hide
anything from him. He shared his secrets with me, too. Everything. I know
about his difficulties in school. That he's autistic. The disappointment
his father has in him. And about Ron." There's pain in Running Water's
eyes. I have to look away.
In a low voice, "What did Jesse tell you about Ron? What did they do?"
It would do no good to give Running Water the details. His loving image
of Ron had been shaken. He's gotta be feeling betrayed by that man and
worried for his nephew.
Running Water's right hand is strangling his gloves. I can sense the
harsh emotions boiling in him that he's barely containing. I'm afraid he
might explode at any moment. The silence grows between us. I feel the
need to say something, anything to get his mind off Ron.
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about me and Jesse. Couldn't! I am
attracted to you but my heart had already been taken. He loves me too.
From our connection, we've become so close in the short time that we've
been together. It's like nothing I have ever experienced before."
Running Water's hands relax. I dare lift my eyes to him and there's a
look of understanding on his face. My body relaxes. I'd been steeling
myself against the man's expected outburst.
"Mike. I am very happy for the both of you. Jesse needs someone like you
to be with to help find himself. He's a man now and shouldn't be depending
on his mother so much."
"I'm not going to take Winna's son away from her."
"No. Not yet anyway. Jesse can't stay with his mother for the rest
of his life. He needs to grow up and become independent. I didn't think
that was possible until you entered his life. Winna has told me about the
changes in her son. His improvement at school. He's talking more and
showing an interest in things outside of himself. Mike. Do you know how
much Jesse has changed? He was acting like a scared little kid up to a
week ago. Always hiding inside himself. That's because he is autistic.
He'd only come out with family and then, there was a part of himself not
quite there. When I drove Jesse to the meeting yesterday, he talked to
me like I've never heard from him before. Such happiness in him. More
alive than I've ever seen him."
I'm smiling. "Our love did that."
"It's something more. I sense this connection that you have with him."
I sense the unspoken question in Running Water. He hopes that I'll
explain that to him. "Jesse and me... I think we are drawing on the
strengths of each other. His ability to Mind Touch is more than to read
thoughts."
"What do you mean?"
"It's hard to explain. You saw how broken up I was yesterday but this
morning, I'm feeling better. I'm missing Jesse real bad! Yet... We are
still together somehow. I can feel him deep inside me, comforting me by
his spirit and love even though we are physically apart."
My eyes become unfocused. Running Water's face fades from me when I
Reach out for that glow that is Jesse. Yes. I've found him. We share a
deep feeling of joy and utter peace. A completion to our spirits.
I feel palms against the sides of my face. Someone calls out my name.
My eyesight returns. Running Water shows concern on his face for me so I
offer him a smile of assurance. I'm gasping for breath.
"Mike. What happened?"
"I was with Jesse." I'm panting hard as if I've been in a long run.
"You had stopped breathing. That worried me. I saw a far away look in
your eyes as if your spirit had flown."
Running Water continues holding my face. There's a scary look on his
face that makes me realize something weird had happened to me. My eyes
blink rapidly a few times. They feel so dry. The sensation of my body
returns to me.
"You were in a trance," explains Running Water.
A cold chill runs down my spine. "What do you mean?"
"It's a thing I've seen my grandfather do when he's Seeking spirits."
"I did that?" Running Water nods his head. "It happened earlier. Right
before you came into my trailer."
"That explains why you didn't answer your door to my knocking. I was
waiting on your doorstep for a while and became worried. Your door wasn't
locked so I went in. You were standing there with a dreamy look in your
eyes. Like just now."
Fear creeps into my heart. "Is this dangerous?"
"Yes. By Seeking, your spirit leaves your body. It's a kind of death.
That's why you were out of breath. You scared me, Mike. Don't try to do
that again."
"I didn't know what was happening." My thoughts return to that wonderful
place I was with Jesse. It's going to be hard to avoid returning there.
"My grandfather has had training in this. Seeking spirits is a shaman's
ability."
"But I'm not a shaman!"
"No. But we think Jesse will be. He's pulling you to him, in spirit.
"You must not go."
"I need to be with him!" The ache in my stomach becomes a sharp pain.
"And he needs to be with you, Mike. I think the two of you were meant
for each other. As lovers, and something more. My grandfather has told me
what he Saw in the two of you. It is happening more quickly than he
thought."
"What is?" I'm getting really scared now.
"He needs to explain that to you."
"Can you take me to him now?" I'm pleading that he will do this.
"No. Not today. He is... ah, doing something that cannot be disturbed."
My head droops from disappointment. In a low voice, "I really like your
grandfather. He's a wise man. If anyone can help me, help Jesse and me,
it's him." Running Water brushes his fingers across my cheek. I peer up
shyly at him.
"You are a wonder, Mike."
I remember Winna telling me that. My face burns with embarrassment to
hear this from Running Water. The man's fingers roam down across my neck
until he's gently grasping my bundle. "It holds your rings. Doesn't it?"
The Indian nods. Some sadness fills his eyes. My breath trembles when I
feel him caressing my right nipple. I'm closing my eyes trying to deny
the good sensations he is bringing me.
"If Jesse hadn't taken your heart first would I have had a chance?"
"I don't know." Running Water peers at me with such intense eyes. A
burst of anger explodes out of me. "You only wanted to have sex with me!"
The man's hand jerks away from my chest.
"I regret that, Mike."
A tense breath blows out of my mouth. "Me too." I glance at the Indian's
brown face and find no trace of emotion on it. He's hiding himself again.
"Jesse knows that I'm attracted to you. He wants us to be together but
it's not right! I love him. I only want to be with him that way. Ron has
put strange notions in his head that I can't accept! They were together
like lovers but it was only for sex. I've not ever been with anyone before
Jesse and thought he was like me. New to love."
My eyes are filling with tears. I become angry with myself and force
them to go away. My nose pains me by the effort. I'm startled when the
Indian grasps the back of my neck. He brings me to his chest and I let go
with my frustration and pain.
"It's alright, Mike. Try to calm yourself and don't give in to your
emotions. Be strong. That's how a man should act."
"I can't... help it. I've not been in love before and... too much...
has happened to me!" I'm crying really hard. Sobs are kept in my throat
but my tears keep coming. I become angry at myself. My weak display.
"I'm here for you, Mike. A brother to you if you want."
He'd do that for me? Images of cutting our wrists and pressing them
together in an Indian blood rite fills my head. It has me laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks Running Water.
"I was thinking that you were offering to be my blood brother like
you see in the movies."
"Ha! I've seen that too but it's not true. At least, not a rite
practiced by my tribe."
I pull from Running Water's chest. My hand is wiped across my wet face
and that gains me the Indian's approval. "I accept you as my brother."
A low grunt. "At the next meeting in Chinook, I'll announce this."
I remember what Winna had done at that meeting, telling everyone that
I was her son because of me helping Jesse. Shame fills me. I've betrayed
her trust and how she must hate me for it! Everyone must know about me and
Jesse by now. That must be a great humiliation for the woman.
In a low voice, "Do you think Winna will ever forgive me?"
"Mike. You didn't do anything wrong," whispers Running Water. "What's
happened between the two of you was meant to be. My aunt may not like it
but the two of you are going to be together. Maybe not today or tomorrow.
But soon. Jesse needs you. She has seen how much you have helped him. A
lot of people have. When she can come to terms with your relationship for
the sake of her son's happiness, the others of our tribe will too."
"Do you really think I'll be able to see Jesse soon?"
"Be patient. Let my grandfather talk with her. He is an elder family
member and shaman of our tribe. She respects his judgment. Don't try to
see Jesse or talk to Winna."
"Okay. I wouldn't know what to say to Winna that wouldn't get her even
more angry with me than she already is."
"Me neither. I'm staying away until things blow over."
I glance at Running Water. When he gives me a faint grin, I lock my
eyes on his. "I'm feeling really bad about what I said to you yesterday.
I was not trying to hurt you but I was angry, still am about what Ron did
with Jesse."
"I didn't know about it." In a soft pleading voice, "What did happen
between them?"
Fear squeezes my heart. "I can't tell you. Ask Jesse if you really
want to know." A concern comes to me that needs to be voiced. "I think
you should get Jesse tested."
"For AIDS?" There's surprise and shock in the man's voice.
I slowly nod my head.
"I've tested negative. Ron must be too," says Running Water. "Have the
two of you..."
"Yes. I'm negative because I've never had sex with anyone before."
What this man and I had done together comes to mind. I've stuck into
his butt but I didn't cum.
"I thought, maybe, that's why you were afraid to have sex with me, Mike.
You make me feel so excited. I did go too fast with you. Sorry. You're very
attractive and I was horny. You were giving me signals or so I thought."
My face is burning.
"Maybe I was wrong to let Jesse watch Ron being with me in bed. There
was a reason I did that."
"He explained it to me." I'm trying not to get angry. "But it's confused
Jesse. Made him vulnerable when Ron..." I shut my mouth.
"Mike. I really need to know what they did together."
I glare at Running Water for a long moment then drop my eyes. After
taking a big breath, I tell him what he wants to know. "Ron knew that
Jesse was gay by the way he was excited watching the two of you making
love. He found out that Jesse didn't beat off so he showed him. You were
working evenings then and that gave him the opportunity to be alone with
Jesse. Do things in secret."
After uttering that last word, I'm given a strange insight about Ron
speaking in German to Jesse. There's some hidden meaning my dream was
trying to reveal to me. The man's voice interrupts my thoughts.
"Ron was picking Jesse up from school for me," explains Running Water.
"I thought he was taking him straight home but from what you're telling
me... What else did my nephew tell you?"
A reluctance fills me. I'm afraid to tell him anything hurtful. "Ah.
Jesse said that Ron always told him that what they were doing wasn't love.
He understood that. You were Ron's lover."
Running Water nods.
"They didn't kiss, embrace or stuff lovers do. Jesse needed male relief
and from his ability to read thoughts, he knew that Ron was in need.
Especially on that long weekend when you were with your grandfather last
October performing a ritual."
"Hmm. I'd noticed something odd between them after I came back from my
retreat. I thought they were just getting on well. That made me happy.
Jesse wouldn't talk with anyone outside our family but he could with Ron."
I'm feeling jealous for some reason. That Ron was able to draw Jesse
out of his shell as I've done.
"Jesse still acted shy around Ron. He could only speak a few words to
him but communicate what he was feeling on his face."
"That's what I love about Jesse! That I can look at him and know how
he's feeling inside. A very cute, expressive face! Now I don't even have
to see my... lover. This connection of ours. We're always together."
"You two share a very special thing."
I'm smiling to hear that from Running Water. I realize that he's the
first person to hear me say that Jesse is my lover. I'm glad that he
approves of us.
"Mike. I need to know. Did Ron fuck Jesse?"
The smile on my face vanishes like a ghost. I feel an icy grip around
my heart that prevents me from uttering a word. Then anger rises in me.
A swift burning sword that melts my heart! My mouth spits with venom.
"Yes."
"Ee-pah-nu!" Running Water shouts. He pounds the couch angrily.
I'm startled by the Indian's outburst. Never have I heard his voice so
harsh and filled with anger. I'm springing up but the man's hands reach
out to assure me that his anger wasn't directed at me. I slowly sink back
into the couch beside him.
I look at Running Water's face. It's plain and without emotion. Though I
can't see this man's pain, I'm sharing in it because Jesse is my lover. Ron
had taken advantage of him. He had no right to perform that most intimate
sex act with the boy when there was no love between them.
"Did Ron cum in him?" asks Running Water in a low voice.
"Yes." That word sounded so dead from my mouth. Running Water releases
a groan. "He didn't want to," I'm quick to explain. "Jesse told me that he
had reached back to hold Ron's butt, keeping their bodies together at the
end. The man usually pulled out before then."
I look at the Indian's hard face. His control is crumbling when tears
run down his cheeks like raindrops over a stone. It's difficult to watch.
He grabs my arm, hand shaking from anger. I start trembling like a leaf.
"Mike. Have you been with Jesse that way?"
The man's voice sounds calm but that only scares me more. I find the
courage to face him. My eyes are staring into his. "Yes. But our joining
came from love! Jesse wanted me to. I didn't know that Ron had already
done that to him and when he told me, I almost died inside! It made me so
angry. If you want to hit me for what I did with your nephew, then do it!"
My arm is released. The Indian's blazing eyes soften. I'm secretly
pleading with this man that he'll understand why we did it. Accept it as
the act of love it was.
"Mike. I am sorry. It is not my place to ask what you did with Jesse.
He is of legal age. And, I know he knows what he's doing with you. What
Ron did was wrong. That Jesse was not the same person he is now. My nephew
has become a man because of you. He has chosen you to be his lover."
Tears fill my eyes. To hear those words from Jesse's uncle! They give
rise to such strong feelings in my heart. That it's okay for us to love!
"Mike. You really need to learn to control your emotions."
"Why? I'm not an Indian who can easily mask his face. Please! What
you've said about Jesse choosing me as his lover, to hear you acknowledge
it makes me feel so happy! It's been hard knowing that I'm gay. I've been
denying my true self and that's why I've buried myself in my work with
the computer. But I was so unhappy. Finally, I decided to try doing
something about it. I took this trip to Montana. I've been looking for
someone to love. Your friends were right about me when they saw me in the
bar. My heart was hungry. Then out of the blue I met Jesse. That first
night I saw him, I knew I loved him! He told me that that's when he fell
in love with me too."
"I understand what you're feeling, Mike. Alright. Cry all you want in
front of me. We're brothers. Just don't do it front of my friends."
I wipe the tears of joy from my eyes then give the Indian a hard thump
to his chest. His winter coat softened my blow. He laughs. I join him.
Silence follows. Grins melt from our faces when harsh reality sets in.
Running Water knows what his lover had done behind his back. I'm feeling
this same pain. Jesse and I have been separated by his mother and it's
going to be a while before we're rejoined. If ever.
The Indian wipes his face dry with the sleeve of his coat. He breathes
in deeply. I've answered all his questions and have some of my own to ask.
"How did your lover die?" I glance at the ceiling above the Indian's head
as if looking for his ghost.
"He was shot."
We're both looking around the trailer uneasily. "I feel his presence all
the time." In a lower voice, "I think Ron is trying to tell me something in
my dreams."
"My grandfather believes this is so."
I don't want to tell him about my new dream. He already knows what Ron
was doing with Jesse. A thought strikes me. "Who killed him?" I ask.
Running Water's breath trembles. "I don't know. There is an ongoing
investigation by my tribe. We suspect the police."
I'm nodding my head. Jesse had already told me that. I don't press
the man for details because it must be very upsetting for him. Silence
grows between us. He's not going to volunteer anything more and I won't
ask him.
"Mike. Are you planning on doing anything this afternoon?"
I'm taken back by his question. "No. Why do you ask?"
"Let me take you away from here. I think a long drive would be good
for you to get your mind off things. We'll return before class tonight."
"Okay."
I get up from the couch. Running Water has an intense look in his eyes
that sends me running to my bedroom. I close the door behind me. My jacket
is pulled off. I'm looking down at myself, at my underwear and a tingle
goes through my dick. He'd seen my near nakedness when coming into my
trailer earlier. I remember his soft caress of my chest.
I'm rushing to find clothes to put on. That keeps me from thinking
about it. I glance at my clock. It's 9:14am. Plenty of time before class
for Running Water to take me for a drive. Does he have a destination in
mind? I'm struggling to pull on my jeans. I don a t-shirt. A sniff of my
body reminds me that I could use a shower. I'll do that later.
Shoes are put on. I grab my jacket from the floor and leave my bedroom.
Running Water is rinsing out a mug in the kitchen. He sees me and joins
me by the front door. A key is offered.
I lock the door behind me after we go out. The key is shoved into my
pocket. I follow Running Water to his pickup. It is very cold outside.
At least it's not snowing anymore. Yesterday's storm had dumped a lot. I
pull on the passenger side door and get in.
Running Water makes a left turn out of the trailer park. We're heading
towards the middle of town. I see a McDonald's but I'm not feeling hungry.
My stomach still hurts a little.
The Indian is keeping silent. I'm relieved. We've already said a lot
back at my trailer, things best to put out of our heads for now. I peer
out my window. Snow lays in high drifts along the sidewalks and on lawns
but all the streets have been plowed.
Warm air blows over my legs. Running Water has his heater at full blast
and that's when I notice he has the radio on. A Country Western station
is playing. Why isn't he listening to Indian music?
We've left Havre. Town houses have given way to empty fields and the
occasional barn. I take a deep breath. I'm glad to be out of my trailer.
A motorcycle ride would have been freezing. It's strange that there's
snow in April when earlier in the year it'd been warm. Unusually so. I
enjoyed exploring Montana after taking leave from work. This State is so
different from where I've grown up in Indiana. There are mountains with
endless prairies between. Few trees. The people here are very different,
too. Lots of brown-faced Indians with long flowing hair. The white folks
don't mingle with them. I've noticed this at the mall, in restaurants and
when walking down the street. Us versus Them. Gun shots were met with
flown arrows only a hundred and fifty years ago, I remind myself sadly.
I sigh. My path has led me into their world but will they ever accept
me? My pale face sets me apart. And being gay... I don't even want to
think about that. Man! I've really messed things up and I don't know how
to make it right. I just want to be with Jesse. I'll have to learn how
to become part of his Indian culture for it to work between us.
Running Water drives on and on. I glance at him every so often but he
remains quiet. I'm not up to talking either. There's an emptiness in me
that welcomes this silence. I look out my window at the sights to keep my
mind off things.
We take a turn off the main road. It hasn't been plowed but the
passage of vehicles earlier has cleared the way. There's a sign on our
right that's caked with snow. I remember what it said when I'd gone this
way on my motorcycle. We're entering the Rocky Boys Indian Reservation.
Running Water has both hands on the wheel, eyes forward. It's a very
rough road though the snow helps soften our passage over the pot holes.
When I came this way a few months ago, I remember the long bumpy ride on
my motorcycle. I wanted to explore this Reservation and see Indians. What
I'd found had disappointed me. No tipis, Powwow dances or scantily-clad
warriors. It's a wasteland of run-down shacks and trailers. The few Indians
I'd seen had frowned at me with suspicion showing in their eyes or didn't
even acknowledge me. It was made plain that I was trespassing on Their land.
A brown jeep is coming towards us. This unplowed road isn't wide enough
to allow that vehicle to pass. It's coming closer and closer. At the
last moment, the jeep swerves up the embankment and stops. Running Water
rolls down his window. A young man wearing a cowboy hat with a black
feather struck through its brim shouts at us, in Indian.
By the glad tone in Running Water's reply, I realize that they know
each other. I'm unable to make out a word. It's pleasant to hear though.
Lots of soft vowels and breathy words that reminds me of when Jesse
speaks with his mom. There's a rhythm to their speech. Kinda like the
beating of a drum.
The young man makes a gesture with his hand then rolls up his window.
Running Water steps on the gas. I'm looking at him, hoping that he'll
tell me who that was.
"My cousin, Hawk Flying Over. He's on his way to work in Havre."
I am momentarily startled that Running Water seemed to know what I'd
been thinking but my unspoken question was obvious. He doesn't possess
Jesse's gift. The Indian remains silent, tapping fingers on his steering
wheel to a song being played on the radio. I return to looking out my
window at the bleak landscape.
After a long curve in the road, we enter a town. A really small one.
There's only a general store and a bar as I recall. I'd stopped here in
February looking to fill up my motorcycle after exploring the Reservation.
Running Water parks in front of the bar. Snow lays thick over the
shuttered windows and along both sides of the porch. The path to its
door is clear. We get out of the pickup truck. I almost have to run to
catch up to him.
We enter the smoke-filled bar. It's crowded with lots of Indians who
turn to us with their heads nodding or the waving of their hands in
greeting. Running Water answers them by nodding his head; I'm ignored.
It's very warm inside. When Running Water pulls off his coat, I'm
removing my jacket and we hang them on pegs along the wall. We approach
the far end of the bar, away from the other Indians. The bartender
speaks softly to Running Water when we take our seats. A small shot glass
is set down in front of him. The bartender's big fat hand fills it with
what looks to be whiskey. It's downed in one gulp. Another is quickly
poured for him.
"What will you have, Mike?"
"I'm not really thirsty." Running Water fingers the shot glass, his
eyes remain fixed on it.
"You should drink something."
I heard the warning in his voice. "A beer then." The fat bartender
looks at me questioningly. "Whatever you have." He turns away and that
gives me the opportunity to stare at Running Water. He won't meet my
eyes. He brings the shot glass to his lips and sips from it. A brown
bottle is set down before me and I take a drink. Yuk. I hate alcohol.
Why are we here? This is obviously Running Water's haunt but I feel
very much the stranger here. I notice how tense my body is; knees pressed
tightly together and my arms are close to my sides. The shot glass is
emptied and refilled. I take another swallow from my bottle of beer.
A quick look is taken of the Indians in the bar. It's quite a crowd.
They wear regular clothes but their brown faces and long flowing hair sets
them apart. I don't meet their curious stares. Do they know that Running
Water is gay? Do they think that I'm his new boyfriend?
I finish my beer. The bartender replaces it with another one. A swallow
is taken, mostly out of nervousness. I don't like the taste. Champagne is
more to my liking but I don't think they have any. It's not a man's drink
when sitting in a bar.
An old man approaches us with a laugh. He's short and thin, wearing his
hair in two long braids down his chest. I'm surprised when Running Water
ignores him. The Indian peers at me. I become bold by offering him a
Blackfoot greeting I've heard spoken a few times in town. "How ne tucka?"
I think I've said it correctly.
"Ah. To-gwo seh ah em-mee took ne how." He grins.
I'm shaking my head from not understanding him. He points at me with
his long bony finger. Oh. He wants to know my name? I decide to be clever.
"Sah-kee-otokan," I utter. That's my Indian name given me by Jesse.
The old man laughs in his raspy voice. He gestures at my short hair
and I nod. Running Water glares sideways at me. I catch his hint that he
doesn't like this person. A quick swallow is taken from my bottle of beer.
After lingering silently at my side for a moment longer, the old man
hobbles off. I notice his drunken steps. A strange Indian. His cracked
face had been very expressive I notice in hindsight.
The bartender gives Running Water another refill. I slide my left hand
towards my companion, my eyes glaring in warning that he takes notice of.
I'm worried about him getting drunk.
"This will be my last one," he mutters under his breath.
Running Water brings the shot glass to his lips and sips from it. I
touch his elbow to show my concern. The Indian's face tightens a moment
then returns to an unreadable expression. My heart aches for him. He's
feeling real bad about what Ron did and is trying to drown his sorrows
in strong drink.
I finish my beer. My head shakes in answer to the bartender's gesture
to bring another. Two is enough for me. I'm already feeling its affect on
my empty stomach.
Running Water sets his shot glass down. To my dismay, the bartender
refills it without a rebuff from my companion. He fingers the lip of it.
His eyes are cast down into its depths as if seeking for answers. He's not
going to find any.
I'm feeling the need to relieve myself. I push off my stool and head
for a corner of the bar. I've used this bathroom before when stopping in
town. They didn't have gas for my motorcycle but I was able to take a
much-needed pit stop.
I pass a group of Indians standing around a pool table. There's the
sharp strike of a ball that knocks a blue ball into the pocket. A wad of
bills are set on the table's railing. They're gambling on the game. I'm
walking away before determining who is likely going to collect it.
I push on the flimsy bathroom door and go in. No one is here. Because
of my urgent need, I stand before one of the urinals. Normally I'd use
the stall for privacy. My fly is unzipped and I pull out my hard dick.
A sigh comes out of me when I let go.
I'm startled from pissing when someone enters. It's that old man who
had talked with us. A bright grin is offered me. When he stands at the
urinal to my left, I switch hands to try hiding my piss hard on from him.
The Indian pulls his pants down a ways. I peek at his dick. He pulls its
foreskin back to reveal a brown knob. My eyes shift back to my own efforts.
I hear the man pissing but I'm feeling reluctant to continue.
"Cristoa sah shotta?"
I'm startled that he's talking to me. That's taboo in the bathroom,
especially between strangers. I shrug my shoulders. I'm feeling the man's
eyes on my hard dick. Now there's no way that I can get myself to piss.
When I'm about to tuck my dick inside my shorts, I hear a skin rubbing
sound. My eyes turn to the man's action. He's pulling over himself but
his dick isn't hard. A tingle runs down my spine. I'm really embarrassed,
looking towards the door in case someone enters. That's when my eyes fall
over the man's backside. His cheeks are partially exposed.
I suck in a sharp breath. The Indian pulls his pants down some more.
I get to see all of his brown butt, rounded and small like Jesse's. His
hand reaches back to himself with a suggestive pat.
"Piss in me?"
My eyes widen in disbelief. He wants me to fuck him right here in the
bathroom? An exciting tremor goes through my cock.
Our eyes meet. There's a sly grin on the Indian's face when he jerks
his head in the direction of the toilet stall. I'm forced to lower my gaze,
just happening to catch sight of his hard dick in hand. It's very long with
a slight upwards curve.
The Indian shuffles past me while holding onto his sagging pants. He
heads towards the stall and enters it, keeping the door ajar. I take this
opportunity to make good my escape. I rush to the door, tucking my dick
back into my shorts and zippering up my fly before leaving the bathroom.
I'm panting for breath just outside the door. Someone approaches so
I step out of the man's way to let him go inside. Won't he be shocked if
needing to use the toilet!
I take a quick look around. There are no eyes on me as I was expecting
but that's silly. No one knows what had gone on in the bathroom. I'm
startled by loud hooting near the pool table. Probably a victory cry for
winning the game and that pile of cash. I head that way to see.
A group of Indians head for the door. One man remains. On the pool table
is a white and green ball. It must have been a close game. The player with
the striped ball had won. This man? He squats down before the middle of
the table. I hear the violent push of a lever. Quarters are sent flying.
I hear him swear, the usual English word in such situations. That brings
a smile to my face.
I notice one of the man's quarters beside my shoe. I pick it up,
holding it out in a gesture of returning it to him. The Indian nods to me
in thanks. After inserting it, he pushes the lever again and I hear the
balls dropping down at one end of the pool table.
"You want to play?"
I look fully upon this man. He's tall and well muscled, wearing big
black boots, dark jeans and a brown sweater. His face is nice to look upon.
Younger than Running Water's. I notice his feigned grin. I'm feeling like
the rabbit who knows that he's about to get pounced on by a fox.
"I don't have any money."
"Oh."
The Indian looks past me. I turn away and head back to Running Water.
He's pulling out a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and handing it to the
bartender. No change is given back.
Without a word, Running Water heads for the door. I'm close on his
heels. He hands me my jacket then puts on his coat. We step outside. It's
a relief to be out in fresh air. A cold wind blows across my cheeks. The
Indian heads for his pickup truck. I look for signs in his steps to see
if he's drunk. I'm feeling a bit affected myself.
We climb in and both our doors slam closed. I look at Running Water.
It's difficult to tell if his brown face is flushed from drinking too much.
He notices my concern and waves me off with a grin, his key turning in the
ignition. He drives out of town. Not the way we'd come but deeper into
the Reservation. Where are we going?
I glance at my wrist but remember that I'd forgotten to wear a watch.
It's probably close to noon by now. At that moment, the radio ends from a
commercial to a brief news report. The time is announced: 11:30. I was
only off by half an hour.
My thoughts return to what happened back at the bar. That old Indian
was obviously gay but what about the other men? No. They were straight
but I wonder if any of them have 'relieved' themselves in the toilet
stall with that old man. How about Running Water? I decide to ask him in
a round about way.
"Who was that old man in the bar that I talked to?"
"Just a guy I knew."
A shiver runs down my spine. From the way Running Water said that, I
think he's had sex with that man sometime in the past. He'd acted
embarrassed when I spoke to that Indian. Almost like he was trying to
forget him.
"Ah. Something happened in the bathroom." I glance at Running Water to
read his reaction. He gives me one. Shock. I'll tell him all about it.
"I was taking a piss when that man joined me. He pulled down his pants
and showed me his butt. I think he wanted me to join him in the stall."
"Did you?"
"No!" I see a play of emotions on the Indian's face. That's unusual
for him as he can hide his feelings from me well. "How about you?" I'm
still looking at his face. I see a frown or is that disgust?
"You really want to know?" asks Running Water.
The man's voice was loud and revealed anger. I turn forward, trying to
act indifferent. It was stupid of me to have asked that.
"His name is Creeps Over The Sand. He was my first."
"Lover?" I whisper.
"No. The first guy I had sex with," explains Running Water. "I was only
a boy at the time."
I don't look at the man's face. I'm hoping that he'll tell me about it.
"Creeps Over The Sand... I used to call him Sly Lizard. He drove a truck
that delivered goods to the general store and supplied the bar. I took a
job to help him carry all that stuff in and take away the empty bottles. I
must of been fourteen or fifteen at the time.
"He'd join me in the bathroom to mess around. You know. Showing me his
and I let him look at mine. That led to jerking each other off and having
him suck me. I didn't think I was gay by doing that. Sly Lizard was. He's
what in the old days we'd call a Hee-man-eh, a cross-dresser. I took real
strong to him. I wanted to meet him outside the job but he wouldn't. Found
out later that he had a lover but he liked getting it on with boys. I
wasn't the only one. Found that out when my cousin, he's that man in the
jeep who passed us earlier... ah. He and a friend of his helped us paint
the walls outside the bar. We all went to the bathroom and took turns
fucking him. It was a kind of manhood rite of proving ourselves by sticking
a man's butt like warriors did in the old days by raping fallen braves in
battle. We did Sly Lizard every chance we could get."
I'm keeping my eyes forward. It's exciting to hear Running Water's
story. Nothing like that ever happened when I was a boy. Hmm. I wonder.
Did he fall in love with Sly Lizard? The Indian gulps in a breath before he
continues.
"My cousin and his friend have married. I realized that I was gay
because of Sly Lizard. He knows that I'm without a lover now. That's why
he was poking his head in my direction to see if I was interested."
"I saw how you were ignoring him at the bar," I comment. "When did you
stop seeing him?" I'm hoping that Running Water will reveal if he's had
other lovers in his life.
"When I started going with Ron. That's about six years ago. I've been
fucking Sly Lizard off and on for about fifteen years before then."
I feel Running Water's eyes on me so I meet his gaze. Is that fear I
see in him?
"You have to understand, Mike. For a gay Indian it's hard to find anyone
to be with. Even for sex. That's all Sly Lizard was to me. A good fuck. Yet
he helped me to be gay, build confidence in myself so that I could try to
find someone to love. Ron was the first man who took my heart."
I'm nodding my head. A lot makes sense to me now. Running Water becomes
silent. A glance at him reveals the pain that he's feeling over losing Ron
and being betrayed by him.
"Was Jesse your first, Mike?"
I look at Running Water and nod my head again. "I've never had sex with
anyone before him or been in love!" I'm looking down at my lap. I was with
this man a few times even before Jesse and I were together Saturday night.
He must realize this.
"That's why you were so reluctant with me."
I look at the Indian. He has an intense expression on his face. Our eyes
meet in secret understanding. "You would be the kind of man I'd want to
fall in love with," I admit. "You're mature like the warrior I fantasized
about when I was a boy. I'd want him to teach me how to be gay and do
stuff together." I'm really surprised at myself for having said that! Must
be from drinking those two beers. I think Running Water is kinda drunk and
that's why he's told me as much as he did about Sly Lizard.
A familiar song is playing on the radio. I can't remember the title but
Running Water is softly singing along. His fingers are tapping on the
steering wheel. I enjoy listening to his soft Indian accent.
How different things could have been had Winna not taken her son to
class that night. Would I have fallen for Running Water? I'm physically
attracted to this Indian but he scared me by his boldness for sex. That
could have led to us being lovers though. I just don't know.
I peer out my window. I'm trying not to think about it but my thoughts
keep turning back to Running Water. We've gotten to know each other better.
I know that his heart is good. He's still mourning over Ron so I don't
think he's ready for love yet. And now, it's too late for him and me.
My forehead presses against the cold window. I watch the blur of the
passing winter landscape driving my awareness inwards. My thoughts are
not as sharp as before. My heart aches me to be with Jesse! I concentrate
on my deep longing that Sends me out to seek his presence. We Connect.
"Mike! Come back."
I feel strong hands over my shoulders shaking me awake. I'm taken from
that wonderful place where I was. A gasp for air. My leaden body is slow
to respond. There's pain felt in my arms and legs as if they've fallen
asleep. I shake my foggy head to try clearing it.
The truck has stopped. Running Water is glaring at me with such worry
seen in his eyes. I swallow in my dry throat. He realizes what has happened
to me and I'm expecting a bad scolding. He told me not to. The dangers...
"I know how much you miss him, Mike."
Strangely, I'm not. My eyes widen when I recall being with Jesse a
moment ago. He knows where I am. Who I'm with. He approved of it. Was glad.
We had exchanged something in that wonderful moment that was more than our
thoughts and emotions. I can't describe it.
"I worry about you," says Running Water. "What would happen to you if
I'm not around to bring you back?"
I've heard the concern in his voice. It touches me. My sense of Jesse
is fading along with what we'd Shared. Yet I'm left with a deep sense of
peace. A renewal of my spirit. Happiness. I take Running Water's hand into
my own. He smiles and I return it.
We keep holding hands while Running Water drives on. The road is paved.
I see a few ranch houses pass by. I'm still feeling the afterglow of being
with Jesse. He wants me to be with this man. Not for love but to be with
him as a friend and help him get past his sorrow.
A large tree comes into a view. I recognize it. We'll soon come to a
small bridge without water under it. Not unless it's raining hard. I turn
to Running Water. "You're taking me to your cousin's house."
"How did you know?"
"Jesse has come this way with you many times." I smile knowingly. We're
driving over a small wooden bridge and when I look, there's no water. Only
a dry riverbed. The tiny hairs lift at the back of my neck.
Running Water drives past three houses then turns his pickup to the
right, parking before a rust colored ranch. I was expecting him to like
he's taken me here before.
"Jesse likes this place. You and him would relax in the hot tub outside.
He admires how you look." I've seen this man naked, too.
A small gasp. "He's told you about that?"
"Not exactly," I answer. I'm peering at Running Water and see his eyes
widen. An almost haunted look comes to his face.
"Mike. You know things from being Connected to Jesse?"
I'm nodding my head. "It is strange but I'm not frightened anymore."
We stare at each other. I feel the man's hand squeezing mine before he
pulls it away to shut the engine off. We get out of his pickup truck.
We approach the ranch house. For a moment, I knew what the inside would
look like - all the rooms, furniture, wall hangings and such but it fades
like a half-forgotten memory. I notice the cold wind against my cheeks. My
gym shoes crunch over the thick snow.
Running Water peers at me for a moment then he's unlocking the front
door. We go inside. I'm looking around. We're in the front room but nothing
seems familiar to me. He's taking off his shoes beside the door. I remove
mine. The room is carpeted and nicely decorated. It seems that his cousin
is well to do for an Indian. I'm helped out of my jacket.
"Go sit on the couch, Mike. I'll be right back."
I walk through the room and plop down on the couch. My head rests over
its soft backing. I close my eyes.
I'm startled awake when Running Water sits down beside me. He gives me
a weak grin. His head slumps back, eyes closing. I watch him bring his
right hand up to rub his forehead.
"Are you hurting?" I ask.
"I drank too much."
My hand reaches over to grasp the man's left hand. His long brown
fingers close around mine. I'm enjoying this moment with him, no longer
feeling threatened to be close to him because of our growing friendship.
Jesse approves of it. I do too.
We sit together for a while.
Running Water stirs beside me. I turn to him with a shy grin, our eyes
meeting. He looks so much like Jesse. This Indian has a broad forehead,
big nose, brown rounded cheeks and black eyes. I've not really looked
this close at him before, I realize. He turns his head at the clock when
it chimes. I admire his long hair dancing about his shoulders.
"Are you hungry?"
"No." My stomach no longer hurts me but I'm not up to eating.
"Do you want anything to drink?" asks Running Water.
"No, thank you." I breathe in deeply. The Indian stares at me and I
wonder what he's thinking. He studies my face. My eyes lower sheepishly.
"I hope you don't mind, Mike. I've not really looked at a lot of white
guys. You are very nice to look upon."
I feel my face burning. In a low whisper, "What do you see?"
"Everything that you're feeling. It's there on your face."
I try giving the Indian a plain expression by relaxing my cheeks and
lips. He laughs.
"I can still read you by your eyes."
We peer closely at each other for a moment but I lose this staring
contest. I'm looking at the clock hanging on the wall. It's a bright
yellow. Lines radiate out from its face, reminding me of the sun. Oh.
That's what it's meant to be. There are painted scenes at each quarter hour
but they're too far away to make them out. A black feather points straight
up from the middle of its face. When I peer more closely, a lesser feather
is seen beside it, slightly to the right.
"Don't worry, Mike. I'll get you back in time for your class."
"I wasn't thinking about that. The clock. It's supposed to be the sun?"
Running Water nods.
"The hot tub should be ready now. It'll help you to relax."
A thrill goes through my dick. We'll be getting naked, I realize. I'm
studying Running Water's face for any hint that he wants to do something
with me. I find none.
"Mike. I'm not going to..."
"I know." We both smile. The Indian squeezes my hand, pulling me up
from the coach when he stands. I follow him to the back of the house. We
pass through the kitchen and go out the back door. He pulls off his socks.
I remove mine. We're in a small yard. It's fenced. Standing above the
thick layer of snow is a round wooden tub on stilts. I see steam rising
from it. There's a winding stairway leading up with a landing between.
Running Water climbs up. That's when I notice the towels tucked under
his right arm. My feet notice the cold. When we reach the landing, he
starts removing his clothes. I begin taking mine off. There's not much
room to undress so we're trying not to elbow each other.
We get naked. I'm averting my eyes from the Indian by looking down at my
feet. My dick is limp. I bundle my clothes and wonder where to put them.
"You can put them in there," says Running Water.
The man sets his clothes inside a covered shelf. I place mine next to
his. With towels in hand, the Indian climbs the remaining stairs. My eyes
fall to his flexing brown butt. He does have a nice pair of cheeks like
Jesse's but his are kind of flat. I'm reminded that I've stuck into both
of them.
When we reach the top, I'm begin shivering. A cold wind is blowing.
The steaming water catches my eye and I'm filled with much anticipation.
The hot tub is not that wide but from seeing it from below, I realize
that its depth would be up to our shoulders. The Indian turns to me. He
steps back and down, his left foot finding a rung to the ladder leading
into the water. I see his cock flopping against his thigh. It's not hard.
His brown foreskin is tapered at the end with his knob outlined within.
Before I can look at the man's balls, he's climbing down into the water.
Running Water gestures for me to follow him. When he's in the tub, I
turn around and take a careful step down. Both my hands grip the upper
rungs to the ladder. I'm slowly climbing down into the warm water. Ah!
I feel the man's eyes on my backside. I'm turning to him with a sly
grin on my face. The water comes up to our thighs. My feet touch bottom.
That surprises me because I thought it would be deeper.
I'm turning around. Where's Running Water? Fear grips me so I reach
down into the water to find his drowning form. I knew he had drunk too
much! My hand touches upon his arm. I'm pulling when my feet slip over
some ledge and I'm plunged into a depth. I'm sputtering for breath when
we surface together. Hands around each other. His wrist bracers are digging
into my back.
Running Water stares at me with surprise. Water runs down his face.
When I see his smile, I realize that he was only dunking himself.
"Did you slip?"
"Yeah." I'm too embarrassed to tell him what really happened. The Indian
sits down over the ledge. Water reaches up to his chest. I sit down
opposite him with my legs dangling into the center depth.
We stare at each other with grins. After that tense moment, I'm able
to relax. The hot water feels good. Running Water lifts his right arm out
of the tub, his hand coming to a black knob. He turns it. The water begins
churning around us. I release a long sigh.
"Doesn't that feel good?"
I give Running Water a big grin. The tension in my muscles is melting
away. It seems that the water is getting hotter but I think that comes
from the swirling. I'm kicking my legs with utter joy.
"My cousin and I built this."
"Really? It's very good." Running Water leans over to me.
"Dunk yourself in the middle. It will feel great."
I recall my fright from slipping over the ledge. I'm not wanting to
repeat that experience. Running Water notices my fear. He reaches his
arms out to me but I'm reluctant to take them.
"Try it, Mike. I'll help you."
With much reluctance, I reach for the man's hands and grip them. He
holds me tight. We pull on each other with my butt slipping off the
ledge. I panic for a moment until my feet touch bottom. My head was
briefly underwater. It wasn't too scary now that I know the depth of
this tub. The Indian nods at me. He grips my underarms while I hold his
arms. We both drop down. There's the sound of a motor in my ears. I feel
the swirling against my face, the heat around my body and it feels good.
We come up for breath. Running Water is smiling.
"That wasn't so hard? Didn't you go swimming in Indiana?"
"Yes. But that was in pools and stuff. I've never been in a hot tub
before." In a low voice, "I didn't know about the ledge." Understanding
fills the man's face. He nods again and we drop down together. I manage
to stay under longer until the heat becomes too intense.
Running Water's hands slide down my sides until he's holding my waist.
I've kept my grip of his arms. We stare at each other for a long moment.
My eyes drop to his chest. I see his large brown nipples. They're erect.
That's when I notice that my dick is too from the excitement of dunking
and the heat. I'm glad that the water hides my erection from him.
The Indian releases me. We return to opposite sides of the tub to sit.
He closes his eyes, breathing deeply. I lean back and close my eyes. The
swirling water feels so good!
I'm kicking my feet. An idea comes to me. I plant my hands on the ledge
and kick harder to lift my butt up. My toes reach across until they land
on Running Water's knees. He opens his eyes. I laugh, lifting my body
towards the surface. My dick sticks up like a periscope. That causes me
to become embarrassed. I return to sitting down over the ledge.
"Jesse likes playing that trick on me."
I see the Indian's soft grin. His eyes take on a far away look as I
realize he's remembering something. The water stops churning. I notice the
sweat running down my face and how hot my body feels. When it looks like
Running Water is going to reach for the control knob, I ask him not to.
"That makes the water feel too hot," I explain.
"Yes. I am feeling rather hot myself."
Running Water lifts himself out of the water. Disappointment fills me
that we'll be leaving the hot tub. He scoots up to a higher ledge but
doesn't stand up. My eyes fall to his cock. It's nearly erect. I lift my
butt out of the water and sit over the ledge opposite him. Only our feet
remain submerged. He glances at my cock.
There's a cold wind blowing over my nakedness. Quite a contrast to being
in the hot tub but it feels good. A relief from the heat. Some playfulness
comes into me when I start kicking water at the Indian. He doesn't let that
go unavenged. We both kick hard filling the air with splashes. Then I feel
my legs being pulled. I'm falling into the hot tub!
I try surfacing for breath. Running Water grips my underarms to help me
with a big grin on his face. I'm smiling back. His hands lift to my
shoulders and massage them. It feels good. There's an intense look in the
man's eyes. I close mine in embarrassment.
"Let's get out of the water, Mike."
I turn from the Indian and climb over the two ledges until I'm sitting
outside the hot tub. He joins me from behind. His left leg is dangling in
the water while his right leg folds against my butt. My shoulders feel
his strong hands over them, pulling over my muscles with expert fingerings.
I release a low moan of pleasure.
Running Water works on my tense neck. I'm enjoying his tending, leaning
forward in a completely relaxed state. His chest whispers against my back.
I feel his right nipple rubbing against me. When I look down at myself, I
see my cock standing along my groin. Yet I'm not feeling embarrassed. The
man's hands fall to my shoulder blades. They pull over my muscles for a
long moment before going lower down my back. And lower. The man's fingers
press into my hips with his thumbs against my cheeks. A sharp tingle goes
through my cock. I'm panting for breath.
The Indian doesn't handle my butt. His hands wander up the front of me,
fingers pressing gently. It's kind of a tickly sensation. When he reaches
my chest, my nipples are caressed. I'm feeling really excited. I gasp when
the man's face presses into my neck. His palms are tenderly gripping me.
Our embrace ends. I notice the cold wind over my body. Running Water
slips back into the hot tub and guilt fills me. He should get his turn! I
reach out to the man's left arm and pull. "Let me massage you." The Indian
slowly rises before me. I release his arm.
The man's cock is only inches from my face. It's very hard. His rosy
knob is a contrast to the rest of his brown body. A tuft of black hair
covers his groin. I eye his balls, reddish in color and well outlined by
the skin sac pulled tight. The heat must have done that.
Running Water lazily stretches himself, arms raised high above his head.
He notices that I've been staring at him and turns around to give me a view
of his backside.
My eyes become glued to the Indian's wet slippery butt. Perfect in form!
I reach out for his cheeks and gently guide the man down between my spread
legs. He sits over the upper ledge, feet remaining in the hot tub. My
thighs tighten around his upper legs. I look over his smooth brown body.
My hands tingle in anticipation of handling his nakedness.
Running Water's wet black hair clings to his back. I gently part its
lengths to slip my hands between and up so that I can grip his shoulders.
I'm pulling over his tight muscles. He scoots closer to me. My hard cock
presses against the crack of his butt. I try ignoring what's happened.
"Why don't you braid your hair?" I remember that Creeps Over The Sand
had done that with his.
"I will in the summer. My loose hair keeps me warm."
I'm enjoying the feel of it against the back of my hands which are
hidden from sight when I palm the man's upper arms. He moans softly. My
hands wander back along his shoulders until I'm massaging his neck. He
leans forward. I look down at his butt. My cock slips between his cheeks.
A sharp gasp comes out of me. Before I can pull away, the man straightens
his back, trapping me inside his butt. I'm not trying to fuck him!
"Your hands feel good, Mike. I'm not worried about you raping me."
He's read my thoughts! I gently push on the Indian's back to try freeing
my cock from him. He tightens his cheeks. The sensation both excites and
frightens me. I don't want this to happen.
My hands drop to his butt. I pushing on it to get my cock out but the
man's plea stops me.
"Mike, don't. I like feeling you there and that keeps your cock from
getting cold. Nothing is going to happen. Please massage my back."
My hands slowly relax. I bring them up to massage his shoulder blades.
There's a tattoo of an eagle on the left side of his back. My fingers don't
feel any difference between his brown skin and the inked part.
I'm often looking down during the massage, at my groin hair pressed up
against his cheeks. I'm really stuck through his butt though my cock hasn't
penetrated his hole.
I notice my trembling, not because of the cold. My hands work over his
muscles with hard pressings. I remember to use my fingers. They dig into
his wet skin to offer pleasure. My thumbs too. I realize that this is the
first time I'm massaging someone.
Running Water moans. He's enjoying my hands as much as I am by handling
his body. The earlier awkwardness I'd felt is fading. This man knows that
I love Jesse - will only be with him for sex. What we're doing together
now is to share a simple pleasure. There's nothing wrong with that. We're
brothers he and I. I'm comforted to know that.
Something breaks in me. A resistance that's been holding me back from
fully enjoying myself with this nice man. We are friends. He could use
one and I'm honored that this Indian has accepted me as his brother.
My hands have reached the man's hips. I realize that only a hard pull
over them would get my cock to stick through his hole but I won't. Guilt
fills me. My lust had me considering that.
I reach around Running Water's slim body to rub over his tummy. He
flinches. Must have felt ticklish, I realize. My hands roam up to his
chest. I caress his breast and feel hard nipples under my palms. The Indian
pants for breath. My arms tighten to embrace him. I rest the side of my
face against his upper back. His hair tickles my ear.
"That felt very good, Mike. Thank you."
Deep feelings squeeze my heart. I know that I love Jesse but I'm feeling
something strong for this man. It's more than friendship. Can you love more
than one person at a time?
Running Water squirms against me. I loosen my hold of him and he slips
back into the hot tub. The front of me feels chilled. I quickly join him
in the hot water.
We sit on opposite ends. When I peer at the Indian, he gives me a soft
knowing grin. I'm studying his brown face. He's no longer hiding his
emotions from me but I don't see anything scary like love eyes as I was
expecting. He breaks from my gaze by reaching for the control knob. The
water begins to churn around us.
I gently kick my feet. My butt flexes over the ledge and I'm given a
sharp thrill from my cock. It's still very hard. If I were alone, I'd be
tempted to beat off to relieve its sexual tension.
There's a revealing beat to Running Water's right arm. I can only see
the upper part of it sticking from the water but I think he's handling
himself below. I'm trying to act like I don't notice. My hand reaches
down to grasp my cock. Though I've never gotten off that way, it feels
good to try. The Indian acts like he doesn't notice what I'm doing.
"I wank off sometimes in the hot tub," admits Running Water.
I'm given the man's sly grin. My right arm flexes more noticeably to let
him know that I've joined him.
"Jesse started doing that earlier this year. He knew I was wanking off
in the tub and tried doing it himself. Ron must have taught him how."
Sadness fills Running Water's face along with some anger. I'm surprised
that he doesn't try to hide that from me.
"In a way, your lover helped Jesse grow up." I'm surprised by what I've
said. Running Water nods.
It feels good to beat off in the warm water. My cock feels real slippery
and the thrills are building up. A grin returns to Running Water's face.
"Let me show you a special feature to this hot tub."
The Indian slips into the deep water. He steps back, arms reaching
behind himself towards the ledge. I wonder what he's trying to do.
"The pump circulates heated water into the tub. Here."
I notice the water gushing up the Indian's back. I'm scooting along
the ledge until positioning myself at his side. He bends over. There's a
intense expression filling the man's face. He slowly steps back some more.
"The water shooting through my butt feels better than getting rimmed!"
I gasp with surprise. It must feel real good to the Indian because the
expression on his face grows more intense. His mouth opens. From the way
his eyes are narrowing, I sense the man's ecstasy. It makes my cock throb.
"Oh. It feels soooo good!" says Running Water. "I'd do this before Ron
took me into the house to fuck me."
The Indian pants for breath. His eyes close as I imagine him remembering
that happy time with his lover.
"You want to try it, Mike?"
Running Water steps away from the ledge. He turns to me with such
longing on his face that frightens me. I don't want to fuck him!
"Have you ever been rimmed?"
I'm startled by the man's question. "No." I realize that I'm not even
sure what he means.
"The water gushing into your butt feels like a big strong tongue."
"Really?" Oh. Now I know what he means. The Indian pulls on my arm to
get me standing in the middle of the hot tub. He turns me until my back
is positioned towards the flow.
"Back into it slowly, Mike."
I'm a little scared but curious, too. Running Water is holding both my
arms. He leads me back towards the ledge. I feel the gush of hot water
against my butt.
"Feel it?"
I nod. I'm gently pushed closer to the shooting water. A memory returns
to me. I've watched my friend's mom giving your baby an enema after a
change in diapers. She'd squeeze a clear bag filled with water while a hose
was stuck through the boy's butt hole. At the time, I thought it a weird
thing she was doing to her child.
"Spread your legs, Mike."
I do. The rush of water goes between my cheeks. It has me gasping.
"Feels good, doesn't it? Now open yourself."
I'm startled by what the man has asked me to try. "Won't it get the
water dirty?"
"It gets filtered," assures Running Water. "That's why Jesse and I can
wank off in the tub and not worry about my cousin finding out. He probably
does it too."
I'm excited to hear that Jesse has beat off with his uncle. I would
love to have seen him - the shy smile on his face when handling himself
turning to an intense expression when he came. Did he cry out at the end?
I wonder if Running Water revealed that he got off in front of his nephew?
I spread my legs some more and open my butt hole. The gush of water
inside startles me. Running Water tightens his grip of my arms. I try it
again. I'm feeling the violent gush against my cheeks but what takes my
breath away is the feeling from my hole. It feels really good! I wonder
if this is what getting fucked is like?
"This is a good way to relax your asshole before getting fucked. I bet
that yours is real tight. Eh, Mike?"
My face burns with embarrassment. I realize that he wants to know if
I'm a virgin. "Yeah. I'd like to give that part of myself to Jesse."
The Indian nods. I'm feeling many conflicting emotions from having told
him that.
I back some more onto the shooting water. When I position my butt just
right, rushing heat fills my hole. Oh, what a feeling! I get an intense
urge to get fucked. My eyes bore into the man's. He looks away suddenly.
"I'll bring you and Jesse back here sometime when my cousin is at work."
"I'd like that." The Indian releases my arms. The force of the water
pushes me away until I'm standing in the middle of the tub. I reach for
his shoulders. A sly smile comes to my lips. I can see it now. After the
hot water cleans out my asshole, we'd streak into the house where I'd let
Jesse fuck me. Running Water would remain in the tub alone to beat off.
"Would you let me watch?" whispers Running Water.
I'm momentarily startled by his question. Let him watch? Then I remember
how he's let Jesse watch Ron and him making love in the trailer. "Maybe."
We stare at each other knowingly.
The water stops churning. Steam rising from the tub burns my face. I
head towards the ledge and climb over it until I'm standing. The Indian
joins me by the ladder. He lets me go up first.
I feel the man's eyes on my backside when my feet step up the rungs.
I'm half expecting him to touch me, a fond pat over my butt or even to
kiss it! He doesn't. I wait for him to join me above. Then we climb down
the stairs until reaching that small landing. My eyes fall over him. I
drink in the beauty of this man's body. He has a slim physique. I'm very
attracted to his smooth brown skin. His nipples stick out from large dark
circles over his breast. I eye the man's tattoos: a yellow sun image near
his left armpit and an arrow blazes down his stomach. It's met by the
man's long cock standing over his groin.
"Admiring my... tattoo?" asks Running Water.
"Yes." A shiver goes through me when I heard the man's hesitation. Was
he going to ask if I was admiring his cock instead? I start trembling.
"Are you cold?"
I peer into Running Water's eyes. They're gentle looking that puts me
at ease. When the Indian lifts his arms towards me, I embrace him. Tightly.
His warm hands are felt over my back. I bury my face into his breast. Deep
feelings fill my heart, the utter joy from hugging him close. As friends.
There's a gentle thrust against my cock. I'm gasping from that intense
sensation. My left hand reaches down to hold the man's butt. I pull over
it to make him stab again. He does, more harshly this time. A breath
rushes into his mouth. I'm also gasping for air. His hand grips my butt.
We join into a rhythm of rubbing our cocks together and pulling over each
other's cheeks.
I'm not feeling troubled by what we are doing. Running Water is a nice
man and he's in need. I know that what we're doing is sexual, yet... It's
not happening from love. Well. I do love him as a friend. We're hugging
to show our affection for each other. A gentle expression. My heart feels
how right it is while my head is trying to sort it out. The wonderful
sensations from holding this man drives away my troubled thoughts. I'm
going to listen to my heart.
A wind is blowing past us. My feet are getting cold along with my legs,
parts of my back and my head. The front of my body is blazing. Our rubbing
gives warmth both to my flesh and my heart. I'm happy to be with him.
I realize that Running Water is acting as that warrior from my fantasies.
But this is real! I want to learn from him. I'm feeling his need to teach
me everything. There's great joy from it.
Running Water's hand increases its beat over my butt. I feel his stabs
becoming more forceful, quick. My cock meets this Indian's challenge. We
stab each other for the thrills building in us. Who will win this battle?
He does. I hear the man's low groan against my ear. I feel his liquid
squirts to my belly and to my surprise, I'm cumming too. Such thrills! We
struggle to catch our breaths and that's when I realize that I've done it
forward. No need to release through my thighs. Pride fills me.
My left hand lifts to Running Water's back. I'm squeezing him hard. I
don't want this special moment with him to end.
"Mike?"
I sense the man's concern. "It's okay. I'm glad we did it." My back is
squeezed. We hold each other for a while. Together, as close friends.
Running Water streaks around the kitchen. Some leftovers are placed in
the microwave and I hear beeping when he sets the heating time. We had
carried our clothes down from the hot tub but haven't put them on yet.
This gives my hairy body a chance to dry. He doesn't need to because of
his Indian smoothness. I think that he's being naked for my benefit. I'm
often admiring his body.
I'm given two plates, cups and silverware to place on the table. Our
eyes meet. Not a blazing of love in them but something just as special.
I can't explain the feeling. It just feels right.
The microwave chimes. Running Water removes two steaming clay bowls and
brings them to the table. He gets his bundle of clothes. I watch him put
on underwear so I'm grabbing mine to put on. We sit down to eat. After a
moment of silent prayer, the man breaks a round pita bread in two, dropping
a piece over my plate. He tops it with what had been heated in the
microwave: fried vegetables and pieces of meat. He covers them in gravy.
Water fills our cups. I drink after taking a few bites of this delicious
food. I'm feeling very hungry.
A thought strikes me. Where has my longing for Jesse gone? It had hurt
my stomach so much that I couldn't eat. Have I forgotten him? Running Water
peers at me across the table. He smiles, and for some reason that puts me
at ease. No. I'll never forget my love for Jes-ee-ah. We are Connected,
always together in spirit. I resist the temptation to Reach out for him.
There's no need for me to. I know that he is well and I'll soon be with
him. That has me smiling.
I finish what's on my plate. My glass is emptied. A loud burp comes
out of me that draws Running Water's mused attention. I excuse myself.
"Ron once told me that Germans do that on purpose to offer their
compliments to the chief."
"I didn't know that." The only German I know comes from what was taught
in college.
"This is good food," comments Running Water. "Winna had made it."
A sharp stab is felt in my stomach. I'm looking down at my empty plate
when guilt fills me. Tears fill my eyes. "I don't want her to hate me!"
Running Water rushes to me. He gives me an assuring hug.
"Shh. Don't worry, Mike. Everything will work out."
I fight against my tears. They are silly and I want to be strong in
front of this Indian. I squeeze him hard, enjoying the warmth of his
chest against mine. "You are a good friend," I whisper.
We slowly part. I quickly wipe my eyes dry and put on a feigned grin.
"Get your clothes on, Mike. I'll clear the table."
Running Water joins me on the couch. I look at the wall clock to read
the time. A long black feather covers the four and the lesser feather is
touching one. I can make out the painted scene below the twelve that had
been covered up earlier. It is of mountains.
"What are you looking at?"
"The clock." Running Water looks at the wall. "I see the mountain above
but can't make out the other three scenes."
"Oh. To the west is the great water," the Indian says. "Deserts lie to
the south. East are the forests."
I didn't realize that compass directions applied to the four quadrants
of a clock. "Four is a sacred number to your People."
"Yes, Mike. We honor the winds He sends us, the rains and the snow.
Above is the sun to warm our Mother. We are His children upon Her."
I've heard Running Water's emphasis on the word 'his'. He must mean
their God. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"
"My People believe that he was sent by our Father to teach."
I don't ask if he believes that Jesus was the Son of God. The important
thing is that the Indians believe in the same God I do. That's comforting.
Our most holiest Christian holiday is this Sunday.
I raise my head and pray unto Him: 'Lord. I thank you for guiding me
to this place where I have found love. And a good friend.' I'm reaching
for Running Water's hand and grasp it. 'Please give me the strength to
face what will come, good or for ill. I know that You are in my heart.
I'll try not to question things but act as You direct me, Lord. Amen.'
I turn to Running Water. His mild expression proves that he knows I
was praying. I'm squeezing his hand. Smiling.
"It is good to give thanks to our Father," says Running Water.
"Can you read my thoughts?" There were a few instances when it seems
that he has.
"No. That gift has been given to Jes-ee-ah but many in our family have
a sense of what People are thinking. We can detect lies. There's no need to
reveal our hearts on our faces because we can Feel the truth in each other."
I knew that Indians are a very spiritual People. Running Water has
revealed something to me that outsiders aren't told. My voice trembles.
"Will I ever become a part of your family?"
"Mike. You already are."
Tears of joy fill my eyes. I know he doesn't like seeing me crying but
I can't help it. I've never been that emotional before. A part of myself
has been freed by Jesse's love. I'm a human being now. Able to live.
It is a silent drive back to Havre. I've been looking out my window at
the wintry landscape while thinking things through. Not about Jesse but of
my growing friendship with his uncle. How do I love him? Perhaps that's too
strong a feeling to describe what's happening to us. I'm attracted to this
Indian and we have loved. No, it was only sex. Oh, I don't know! My heart
feels okay with it but my head is still confused about Running Water.
My thoughts turn to his cousin, Hawk Flying Over. I was shown through
his beautiful home filled with Indian things that his wife had crafted
like that clock in the front room. She was a commercial design artist.
It had been a good living for her and explains the rich furnishings in
their home. I was saddened to learn of her death. Hawk Flying Over works
in Havre as a line boss in a farm equipment factory. He lets Running Water
come over to his house to enjoy the hot tub (with Ron when they were
together) and they share a close friendship beyond being cousins.
I wonder why Hawk Flying Over doesn't have any kids? Running Water
didn't tell me how long they'd been married. Could he be gay? I'm feeling
bad to be thinking this but he and Running Water and their friend had
fucked Sly Lizard 'every chance they could get' as boys.
I scold myself. It shouldn't be any of my concern whether Hawk Flying
Over is gay or not. What he'd done as a boy could be chalked up as youthful
curiosity and sexual conquest. As a man, he married. So did that other boy.
Running Water came to terms that he was gay.
I break the silence. "Running Water? That friend of yours and your
cousin who did Sly Lizard... Does he have any kids?" The Indian gives me
an odd look.
"Mike. You have to stop thinking too much. Listen to your heart. Find
patience. My grandfather can help you with that."
I deserved his scolding. "I'm sorry." I return to looking out my side
window at the landscape. It's so barren. There hasn't been a house, trailer
or even a run-down shack for miles during our drive. No signs of human
habitation. This Reservation is mostly a wasteland.
My left hand is gripped. I turn to Running Water and see concern on
his face for me. I'm glad that this Indian allows his emotions to show
through. That has come about because of our friendship. He and I are no
longer strangers.
"I'm worried about you, Mike."
"Why?" Oh. Running Water is afraid that I'll try Seeking out Jesse and
the danger that poses for me. A kind of death, he called it. I really do
need his grandfather's help. That shaman can also help me to become a
better human being, to get in touch with my spiritual side. The only
teachings I've had concerning my soul was at church. Yet that focus was on
keeping it free of sins so I'll earn an everlasting reward in Heaven.
I feel Running Water's eyes on me. When I'm turning to him, my hand is
squeezed. Hard.
"Mike. I want to tell you some things, as your brother."
I'm nodding my head. The Indian release his breath in a long sigh.
"I know that you come from a different society so I forgive you for many
things. If you are to become a part of my tribe, you need to mind yourself.
Don't ah, say something that could cause embarrassment or ask a thing
that's not proper. Think about the other person's feelings even if you
can't see it on their faces."
"I am sorry."
Running Water smiles. "I had given Ron this same advice. He was adopted
into my tribe."
"Even though he was gay?"
"Mike. That was only a part of the person he was. His was a good heart,
proven by deeds by aiding my tribe. My People overlooked his strangeness
by being white. He worked hard on trying to belong."
I'm feeling angry for some reason. I try quelling that emotion. A
thought strikes me. "What did Ron do for your tribe?"
"Many good things. He helped us resolve land disputes with the U.S.
Government, recover our People's remains that were being desecrated by
scientists and he brought about the return of sacred objects of the
Blackfoot being held in museums. Ron was both a legalist and a historical
researcher. He had come to study my People as an outsider but ended up
becoming part of my tribe."
It seems that Ron had done a lot for them. "What can I do for your
people? All I know is how to write computer programs but I'm not wanting to
do that anymore." In a low voice, "It had robbed me of my humanity."
"Perhaps that is what you will do for us. Being human."
"I don't understand." Running Water stops his pickup truck. He turns
to me with a grave expression on his face.
"Mike. Our shaman is old. He needs an apprentice to follow in his
footsteps. A spiritual leader for my People after he is gone."
Fear squeezes my heart. "I can't do that!"
"No. Only a man born of the Blackfoot can."
My eyes widen from a revelation. "You mean Jesse! He is to be your
next shaman." I already knew this. What I'm realizing is that he needs my
help to be complete. Not for his own sake but for his People.
"Yes, Mike. Your love has guided Jesse from that dark place inside him.
You've made him whole. My grandfather has Seen your special Connection. I
didn't understand what that was until today."
"Me too." Running Water smiles and I join him. He puts his truck in gear
and continues driving down the bumpy road. Thoughts are swirling round in
my head. I'm understanding a lot more about my connection to Jesse. How it
has helped him and I know that Winna will have to accept our love for each
other for the sake of the tribe. Guilt fills me. It was bad of me to think
that. I want Winna to accept me for who I am instead of as a necessity for
the good of her people. I'm needing her acceptance and love as a mother. I
want to prove her faith in me for naming me her son at the meeting. Jesse
and I are going to be together! Now, I'm more sure of this.
A cold chill runs down my spine. There are powerful forces working
through us that has brought this about. More than can be explained by
Jesse's gift to read my thoughts. It's Ron's ghost! He is still helping
his tribe by giving me strange dreams, having me find his ring and it
must be his spirit that has somehow Connected my spirit to Jesse's.
I huddle my arms around myself when a shiver goes through me.
"Are you cold, Mike?"
"No." I know that the heater is already at full blast.
"What's wrong?"
I glare at Running Water. "I'm scared!" He reaches for my shoulder.
"Things are happening to me that I don't understand. I've only believed
in things that I can see with my own eyes or can figure out through logic.
This Indian stuff. I can't accept it."
"Mike. Don't be afraid. My grandfather can help you through this.
That's why I didn't want to tell you anything until you've met with him
again. I'm not wise like a shaman."
I'm dreading having to return to my trailer. Ron is back there. "Can I
sleep over at your place for a while?" My eyes are pleading for him to let
me. "I don't want to be left alone!"
"I can't, Mike. I'm staying with my parents in Chinook."
That explains why he'd go over to Ron's trailer to be with him.
"Mike. I can stay with you, if you want. Ron wouldn't hurt me."
I'm quickly nodding my head. There's much sadness on the Indian's face.
And some fear. He knows that his lover had betrayed him by being with
Jesse. What is Ron capable of as a ghost?
Our drive back to Havre is in silence. I'm relieved that I won't be left
alone in my trailer. Running Water dreads it as much as I. I'll need to
find a new place to live. Soon. Until then, we must endure Ron's presence
there and I fear what could develop between this Indian and me if we're
going to be together at night. My love should only be for Jesse!
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