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* "NEW TO TEACHING LOVE" *
* (part 14) *
* by Vince Water July 5, 2005 *
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| Copyright 2005-2006 by Vince Water Corrected 5/06 |
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Our journey has begun. I'm following a black truck that's leading us
towards Chinook. It's Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand. Once he reaches Harlem,
we'll turn south onto Rt. 66 to continue on alone. Rosebud, South Dakota is
thirteen hours away. I'm looking at my watch. It's nearly 7:30 PM with an all
night drive ahead of us. Winna and I will take turns behind the wheel. Before
nine tomorrow morning, we'll reach our destination and rest up in a motel
before meeting with the Headmaster at three. Jake will then meet his aunt
Winnapah, his cousin Jesse, and me.
I'm a bit concerned. Jes and I will have to be careful in front of the
boy or he'll figure us out. Hopefully, he won't. According to the letter,
Jake is broken up over his mother's death and in need of comfort by family.
That's Winna's job. Aunt and nephew will get to know each other. My job is
to get there and drive them around town if the school will allow it. How do I
explain my presence though? A friend of the family? It's my pickup getting us
there since Winna's truck couldn't make the trip. Will Jake suspect that I'm
much more than a 'family friend' when he sees Jesse and me together? I can
hide away my love eyes but Jes... It aches me that he's not himself. Our
special bond has been broken!
Well. Not completely; we can still Feel each other's emotions but no
Passing of thoughts or abilities that has made us whole. I can no longer
speak Siksika, the modern form that is. I've also lost the ability to Glean
things from people. Jesse is suffering the most from our lack of Connection.
By not being able to Draw upon me for strength and filtering out the noise
from his perceptions, he's gone back to being autistic. I've seen this in his
eyes. They look off to the side, avoiding eye contact with most people. Dirt-
brought-up-in-his-hand noticed this at the gas station. Jes didn't speak with
him. He's hiding within himself with his own thoughts. I can't Hear them. Nor
can he Hear mine or the Other inside him who could have helped my lover in
his time of need. Good-eyes' wisdom and guidance is lost to us. He was a
shaman who could of helped us understand what's happened and maybe restore
what we've lost. I think that bundle's spirit Passed into us is angry. At me.
My hands tighten around the steering wheel. It's all my fault! I Gleaned
my doom from Mr. Benton and that had me losing myself to despair. I'd said
angry things out of frustration and woe that I regret now. Punishment for
my sacrilege has fallen upon me. I've lost my special bond with Jesse! Why
must he be made to suffer too? It's not his fault that I cursed God for my
fate. Come Monday, I'll be taking the prosecutor's plea bargain to serve
three and a half years in prison. It's the only way that I can protect my
lover, and myself. They have Ron's diary! By making it public at my trial
(if I fight that 'attempted murder of a police officer' charge), the People
will learn that Ron was fucking Jesse and blacken that man's name. Shame
will also fall upon Jes for being with yet another white guy - me. They won't
see our love for what it is.
I turn to Jesse sitting beside me. He's looking down at his knees, hands
folded in his lap. It aches me to see him feeling so alone. Our thoughts
cannot touch. The guilt of what I've done is more than I can bear! We only
have a handful of days to be together before Monday but we really won't be
Together. Not as it was. Each time I'll look at Jes, my punishment will be
seen in his eyes or rather, when his gaze is cast off to the side in autistic
avoidance. It overwhelms him to see and to hear and to feel everything all
around him without being able to stop it. So much noise. I was filtering that
out for him through our Connection. Tears fill my eyes. I'm turning to look
out my window, drying my face with my shirt sleeve. The guilt I am feeling at
this moment... It's too much!
My right elbow is grasped. I'm comforted by Jesse's tenderness. I mind
the road and see a sign announcing that Chinook is a mile away. That's where
grandfather lives. A wise and aged shaman of the Blackfoot. Surely he can
help Jesse! As I'm about to ask Winna if we should see him for her son's
sake, Jes is shaking his head. He can Hear my thoughts? 'Jesse! We need to
see your grandfather. He may be able to restore our Connection to each other.'
I'm not Hearing his reply. I am Feeling that he doesn't want me to. The exit
ramp for Chinook passes by.
Winna releases a sigh. She's sitting by the passenger side window on the
other side of Jesse, unaware of the problems facing me. Not even her son
knows what I've decided to do on Mon... I'm guarding my thoughts. Though our
Connection is broken, he's always had the ability to Look into people when
touching them. I'd forgotten that. The bundle's spirit in us gave us the
ability to Hear each other's thoughts even at a distance but no more.
"Are you up to driving for a while, Mike?"
I glance at Winna. "Sure. You've worked today so try to rest up. I can
easily drive until midnight."
"Alright. Wake me then." Winna looks at the black truck driving up ahead.
"That was nice of Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand."
For escorting us to Harlem? No. That's not what Winna meant. Before we
left the gas station, Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand strapped his five gallon
gas container to the inside of my truck bed. 'Just in case...' as he put it.
He advised us to fill up every chance we get on the road since not that many
gas stations remain open late into the night. I'm not gonna let my tank fall
below half point. When we fill up, I'll note the mileage on my odometer. At
the second fill up, I'll be able to calculate how many miles this old pickup
gets per gallon. I'm not holding out high expectations though.
The speedometer catches my eye. We're only going fifty-five. That's
because Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand is keeping our speed down. The limit here
is sixty. When he leaves us at Harlem, I'll bring that up to sixty-five or
higher if I can. We're gonna lose time along the way to fill up on gas, go
to the restroom and maybe get something to eat. I want to reach a motel in
Rosebud by nine so all of us can get some sleep before meeting with Jake.
I hear Winna sigh again. She's wanting to tell us something but needs to
work up to it before she can. What is it? I'm unable to Glean her. Lost that
ability when my Connection to Jesse was broken. I glance at the woman who
meets my gaze for a moment. Then she's looking ahead at the black truck. I
get the feeling that she's waiting until Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand has left.
Jesse's hand is running along my lower arm. He grasps my wrist for a
moment before returning to my elbow. It's a sensual feeling. A smile comes to
my lips when I realize that he's enjoying the feel of my body hair. When I
turn to him, our eyes meet. Briefly. My nose pains me by trying to keep back
tears. Not from anguish. That look Jes gave me was filled with love and
understanding. He knows what I'm going through. At least part of it though
I'm keeping my thoughts about what will happen this Monday guarded from him.
My breath comes out trembling from my mouth. I want my lover so much! In the
handful of days remaining to us, we'll just make the best of it.
This trip to see Jake. It's a welcomed distraction from the troubles in my
life. I'm really needing that right now! When Jesse's hand reaches my wrist
gain, I drop my hand from the steering wheel to clasp his. I'm Feeling his
joy. A big grin fills my lips and I vow to put aside my woes so that I can be
with my lover as completely as may be. We still love each other and can
express that both in our clothes and without. It's sort of like a honeymoon
for us though his mom is around. We'll be alone each night in our motel
room. Lots of love making for us! That thought gets my dick tingling and I
notice Jes peering at my crotch. I glance at Winna (she's looking straight
ahead) before peering down at the front of her son's pants. There's a bulge
there. Jes and I exchange knowing grins. His left hand tightens around mine
like the hugs he's given me in bed. I can hardly wait until tomorrow morning.
A sign announces that Harlem is just up ahead. Rt. 66 is five miles beyond
that fills me with anticipation. Our trip really begins when we start heading
south. Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand turns onto the shoulder of the road and
slows down. He sticks his left arm out the window and waves at us when we
pass. I'm honking to him in thanks.
Winna looks back. Through my rear view mirror, I also see the black truck
turning around for Chinook. Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand is going home. It's
with relief that I step on the gas to bring us up to sixty. That turn soon
comes up. We head south on Rt. 66 that enters the Fort Belknap Indian res.
according to the sign. Twilight has fallen. From what little I can see in the
ading light, it's a whole lot of nothing. That's the U.S. Government for
you. Taking land from Native Peoples and herding them onto bad places in the
hope that they'll just die. When something valuable is found on the res.,
the Government returns to 'help' the Indians manage it. Yeah, right. Elder
Quiet-before-the-dawn has told me they do that badly so under the table
agreements are made between the oil companies with the tribes. They pump out
more oil than is officially reported. That extra money is to go to the People
but men held in trust like Elder Rides-a-fiery-horse pockets some.
"Mike. I want to thank you for coming along."
Winna's voice takes me from my thoughts. I'm only nodding to her in reply.
I note the distinction to her thanks. Not for using my truck to drive them to
Rosebud but that I'm coming along. "Winna? How are you going to explain me to
Jake?" I glance at the woman uneasily.
"You are part of my family. He should know that."
"Yeah. But maybe Jake shouldn't be told right off that I'm with your..."
I peer at her son. Jesse squeezes my hand really hard.
"I know that." Winna sighs uneasily.
"You could tell him that your truck wasn't up to the trip so you've asked
me to drive you. That's the truth. Say that I'm a friend of the family."
"Very well."
We both realize that in the days ahead with Jake, he may figure it out.
Love is difficult to hide from others. If me or Jes slips even once in front
of the boy... Ah, well. There's nothing for it. I'm not ashamed to be gay and
I sure as hell ain't gonna explain myself to someone I don't know. Silence is
best. That way, I won't cause Winna any embarrassment by making a scene if
Jake only suspects. He wouldn't be stupid enough to come right and ask me.
Would he?
"Mike. I know that you'll be careful in front of my nephew."
I'm exchanging knowing glances with Winna. Yeah. She was thinking the same
thing I was. "This trip we're making is for you. Jake is all broken up over
his mother's death so you'll be consoling him. I understand that. Jes and I
don't have anything to prove. Both of you will have enough on your hands."
"Thank you." Winna releases a sigh of relief. "Jes-ee-ah? Are you excited
to meet a cousin you never knew you had?"
"Ah, na'a."
Though Jesse doesn't sound very enthusiastic, I'm Feeling that he is.
He's curious to meet Jake. But too, I'm Sensing his uneasiness that he'll
appear strange to the boy because of his autism. It aches me that my lover is
ashamed. My fault! that he's reverted back to that frightened little kid he
was. Winna has noticed but she's kept her concerns to herself. I've already
told her that there's something wrong with our Connection. That will become
more apparent in the days ahead.
Winna releases a sigh. I'm getting the idea that she's about to tell us
something that's been on her mind since leaving Havre. Jes lets go of my
hand. I'm gripping my steering wheel in a vice grip and wait. That has me
noticing the hurts to my sweaty palms. Paper cuts, I realize. I'm reminded
that in a mad rage, I'd torn up that copy of Ron's diary given us at the
Discovery meeting. Bits of paper are blowing around a field in Canada.
"My sister's death had come as a shock to me," says Winna in a low voice.
"That she had a son... I'm not that surprised."
Jes and I look at Winna.
"Judy was sixteen when she ran away from home. I suspected why, both glad
and saddened that she had. We didn't have a happy home life."
Winna turns from us to look out her window at the growing darkness. She
speaks again after a long moment.
"My father wasn't around that much. He had to... work long hours at the
factory. Mother died a few years after giving birth to Judy so I took care of
her as if she were my own daughter. There were those who looked in on us but
they fled when father came home drunk." Winna breathes in sharply. "He was
known to have a violent temper."
Winna turns silent. She continues looking out her window that aches my
heart for her. "You don't have to explain anything to us."
"I want you both to know," answers Winna. "To understand how it was! I'm
as much at fault for abandoning Judy as our father was. She was only ten when
I got married at eighteen. I visited my sister as often as I could. Other
family members did too but it wasn't the same. I'd raised Judy as a mother to
her! When you were born, Jes-ee-ah, I couldn't make that trip to Shelby. The
next six years were very lonely for her. Father wasn't ever there for her and
I wasn't either. I couldn't! Not with a baby to take care of."
"Na'a. Mi in att sikk ih kin iooh sit!"
Jes rushes to give his mom a hug. I think he's asked her not to feel bad
about it, assuring her that it wasn't her fault. I'm expecting Winna to
break out in tears at any moment but she continues in a strong clear voice.
"The last time I saw Judy, she confided in me that she was falling for a
Mexican migrant worker she'd met in the fields near her home. His name was
Miguel. That's the same name that letter from Jake's school had given for his
father. It makes sense. She ran off with him and gave birth to a son. How
Jake ended up at that school in Rosebud... I just don't know."
The oncoming headlights from cars fill our truck. My quick glance to the
right reveals that Winna is crying. Jesse clings to his mom. It's as I've
suspected. This trip to see Jake is more than to comfort the boy over his
loss. Winna wants to know what had happened to her kid sister. Not just how
she died but to learn of her life with Miguel in those years after she'd run
away from home. It doesn't portend well that Jake was left at that school
when he was five.
Full darkness falls. Jes has returned to my side and we're holding hands
again. I settle into that familiar relaxation that driving can give. I'm glad
that we're going at night - no harsh glare in my eyes from the sun. There's
not much to see in these parts anyway. How naive I had been to expect seeing
half naked warriors running around the Indian reservations. That was the
reason why I chose to vacation in Havre. My motorcycle trips into the Rocky
Boys Res. proved very disappointing. No Indian tipis, men in breechclouts or
anything I'd been hoping to see like what I'd read about in books as a boy.
The Natives have been brought into the modern world yet many of them are
denied jobs and have to live in run down trailers or shacks. The disillusioned
men frequent the bars. It really aches me that Running Water drowns his
troubles in a shot glass. Ron's murder had hit him pretty hard and when he
learned that his lover had been having sex with Jesse behind his back...
A sigh escapes my lips. I'm not gonna be with Running Water like it was.
My vow to Jesse prevents that. It was necessary for me to draw the line
somewhere by promising that the front part of my body will express love only
for Jes. From behind, I can give myself to other men. If my brother's new
'friend' doesn't like to get fucked, Running Water can find release in my
ass. I wonder if Murl is fucking him. Probably. I'm hoping that it's more
than sex between them because my brother deserves to have a man of his own to
love. A part of me still aches to be with Running Water as it was. I do love
him! He is that Indian warrior I've dreamed about in my youth: strong and
proud. Mature. He's really experienced with male love.
I'm feeling eyes on me so I turn to Jes. He faces forward, shoulders
slumping when his head drops to his chest. I've forgotten that he can Hear
my thoughts when he's touching me. 'Jesse? I'll always be with you!' I Send.
There's no reply yet my right hand is squeezed.
"I know."
How softly Jes said that. I'm glancing at Winna to see if she's heard. The
woman is slumped against her window with what looks like a pillow under her
head. I can't tell if she's sleeping yet.
"Almost," whispers Jesse.
Almost what? Oh. 'Jes? Can your Hear my thoughts when we're not touching?'
"No."
It's true then. With our Connection broken, I can't Hear his thoughts and
he can't Hear mine unless we're touching. That's the gift he was born with.
'You know that something happened to us.' Jesse nods his head. 'Do you know
why it happened?" He's shaking his head back and forth. I think I know why.
At the Discovery meeting when I Gleaned from Mr. Benton that he was planning
to use Ron's diary against me and him suspecting that we'd been having sex
with Simon because our phone had been tapped allowing him to know what the
boy's grandfather was saying to me that would come up at trial, I gave into
woe. His plea bargain is my only escape from the shame that would befall Jes
and me. I cursed God for my plight, wishing that I'd never gotten myself
involved with the tribe's Power Bundle thinking that we could have done
without it. I denied its power. That spirit within me Heard. Now, I'm being
punished for that terrible sin.
Jesse reaches up to that wooden cross hanging down from my mirror. I'm
Sensing something strange from my lover, like he's not quite Here.
"Our Father sent us a great Teacher. He died for all our sins."
"Yes," I whisper. "We are saved in Christ." Jesse lowers his head to my
chest so I cradle him in my arm. The tiny hairs lift at the back of my neck.
How much did my lover Hear just now? I'd been guarding my thoughts from him
but something must have slipped through. That's why he said what he did. I
force my head to clear of thoughts and concentrate on the road. There's not
much traffic. I'm wanting to look at my watch but I have my right arm around
Jesse to hold him. He's clinging to me. Not from anguish or fear but to
simply be with me. I'm also Sensing his weariness.
That broken yellow line in the middle of the road captures my eyes. My
troubling thoughts fade. I hold Jesse close to me as he falls asleep while
I'm driving on and on.
In the distance, I see the bright glow of lights. Relief fills me. It is
a gas station! I've been driving on less than a quarter tank when not finding
anything open at Grassrange. There's been no towns since for miles. A sign
says that I'm approaching Roundup with a population of 2,806. My truck slows
when I take the exit ramp.
A huge neon sign depicts a cowboy atop his horse as he lassos a cow. The
lettering above isn't all lit but I can still make the word out: 'Roundup'.
No surprise there. It says below in blinking lights: 'Come fill her up'. That
brings a smile to my face. Yup. That I'm gonna do!
I drive through a parking lot filled with big haul trucks. They look like
dark sleeping giants all in rows. A path between them leads to a darkened
restaurant (closed already?) with the gas station just beyond. There are four
long pumping stations. I pull up to one that's closest to the building that
also serves as a quick mart. Jesse stirs awake beside me. He yawns, his long
arms stretching towards the windshield.
I'm quietly opening my door. Winna is still sleeping so there's no need to
disturb her. We get out of the truck. I note the pump's number when Jesse
lifts the nozzle from its metal cradle. Hey. It'll take credit cards! I'm
pulling out my VISA card to pay instead of using up my cash. Jes hits the
button. After getting my card back from the machine, I help him pull on the
long black hose so he can reach the back of my truck.
"Do they have hotdogs?" asks Jesse.
I give my lover the eye. "You want a hotdog?" Jesse shyly nods. "Okay."
I'm heading towards the quick mart while he's filling the tank up. It's a
pretty big store. I approach the attendant who's watching television. He gets
off his butt and stares at me across the counter. There's a Plexiglas shield
between us. "Do you have hotdogs?"
The man nods. "Get them over there. It's self service."
"Thanks." Another thought comes to me. "Where are the restrooms?"
"The men's is out back around the corner."
"And the women's room?" I ask. Just in case Winna wants to go.
"In here, past the refrigerators on your right."
I walk from the counter to where a microwave has been set up. There's a
few food stations: notchoes, popcorn, and hotdogs. The buns are kept inside
tinfoil wrappers so I'm grabbing three. Winna might want one. A row of
hotdogs are turning in the heater. They're not burned or dried out as I was
expecting. The attendant must have put them on recently. With tongs, I lift
each 'dog' and insert them into the buns. A bunch of mustard and ketchup
packets are grabbed from a bin. Napkins, too.
From the refrigerator, I get two 20 ounce Cokes for me and Winna. I know
that Jes doesn't like soft drinks but prefers water to drink. The attendant
rings everything up. I'm surprised by the total - $6.88?! Wow. That's a lot.
By the time I return to the truck, Jesse is placing the nozzle back in
its cradle. He peers up expectantly at me. "I got the hotdogs." That has him
smiling. The smell of gas is strong from him and when he looks down at his
hands, I realize that some spilled to them. "Go clean up in the restroom.
It's out back, around the corner." My lover runs off.
"Mike?"
So. Winna is awake. I get back into the truck and set the bag of food down
on the seat between us.
"Where are we?"
"Roundup." She's unfolding a map and I point it out to her.
"What time is it?"
I'm looking at my watch. "Fifteen after eleven." I think Winna wants to
take her turn behind the wheel so I'm telling her, "Billings is only 49 miles
away. Let me drive 'till then."
"Alright." The woman looks around. "Where's my son?"
"He went to the restroom." In case Winna needs to go herself, I tell her
that it's in the quick mart beyond the refrigerators. She gets out of the
truck. I'm feeling my own need to piss so I head for the men's room out back.
There are a few trucks parked close by. A dim light hanging at the corner of
the building guides me to where I want to go. The door is half open. Hmm. I
walk in expecting to find a large restroom but there's not much light in
here. A sharp Sense of fear has me gasping. Something has frightened Jesse!
I rush into the darkened restroom. There's a row of urinals to my left and
stalls on the right. An emergency light near the ceiling casts its weak glow
over two men standing in the corner. Their backs are to me. I hear grunting.
"Jesse?" I call out. A big white guy standing closer to me turns to glare.
That allows me to see his companion who has his pants dropped to his feet.
His butt is humping wildly. In an instant, I take in a horrible scene!
Trapped between his legs are Jesse's and I see his long brown arms flailing
out. The man is holding my lover tight in his arms. When he turns his ugly
face towards me, I see him panting for breath. Pleasure shines in his eyes.
"You'll get your turn in a minute." The man's hairy ass flexes in and out.
"After I get me some Indian pussy," says the other man.
Oh, God. He's raping Jesse! I'm rushing to my lover when an arm sticks
out hitting my chest. The man's right arm closes around my back. He tightens
his grip and I'm lifted off my feet. I struggle to free myself but my arms
are pinned to my side. "Let me go!"
"Relax. Nothin's going to happen to you if you don't fight us."
I kick my feet and try pushing my arms against the man's holding me. His
strength keeps me pinned against him. That guy fucking Jesse has turned to
face us. He still has my lover trapped in his grip, his left arm is across
Jesse's throat. I hear my lover struggling for breath.
"Hey, Ralph. Maybe I'll do this white boy. He's gotta nice ass..."
The man holding me bucks into my backside where I feel his hard cock
through his pants. He's gonna rape me? I'm taking a big breath to cry out for
help when a clammy hand covers my mouth. Only his right arm is around my
chest but it's enough due to his tremendous strength. My feet are still
dangling in the air.
I hear a low groan coming from Ralph. He violently bucks into my lover
while he's cumming. Jesse's dick flops between his belly and his balls. I'm
trying to cry out to him but my words come out muffled through my nose.
"That was good..." says Ralph in a hoarse voice. "I'll hold that white boy
for you if you don't want some of this Indian pussy."
I renew my struggling but the man tightens his arm around my chest. He's
laughing, bucking against my ass with his hard on felt through his pants. I'm
gonna get raped in a moment! One of Christopher's memories comes upon me. I'd
been held by Races-over-the-plains this same way when we were play wrestling.
The brave taught me how to use my feet to break free so I'm trying it. I bend
my knees and with a sharp thrust, land blows to the man's lower legs. He
yelps out in pain. We're both falling to the floor with me landing on top. I
quickly turn to him and reaching for my blade, discover that it's not at my
side? My right hand flies out anyway in a hard punch to his stomach. He
doubles up in pain.
I'm jumping to my feet. Ralph has already made it past me to escape out of
the restroom. Seeing Jes sprawled over the floor ends any thought of pursuing
him. I rush to my lover's side. "Jesse! Are you alright?"
"Help me... out of here."
I'm bringing Jesse to his feet. He reaches down to try pulling up his
underwear and pants. My right hand feels the wetness to his butt. Rage fills
me! I see that man who was holding me groaning on the floor. I'm half
carrying my lover towards him with my intent to kick him hard.
"No, don't!" begs Jesse.
"Get out of here!" I shout in warning to the man. He remains on the floor,
holding his belly from the pain. My fist must of struck him good.
"Take me outside, Mike. Please!"
I hearken to my lover's plea. We manage to limp outside and I look around
for Ralph but he's long gone.
"A gun," gasps Jesse. "He's getting... his gun."
Alarm fills me. I know that Jes can Look into people so he must have Seen
that in Ralph's head. We turn the corner. The muscles in my arms are
straining when I carry Jesse along the side of the building to where we've
parked out front. My head turns back and forth to look for help from anybody
who may be around. There's no one.
"Help me with my pants," asks Jesse.
He's managed to pull up his underwear but his jeans are sagging around his
waist. I lift them, buttoning him up. "We need to get help." It's my intent
to bring Jesse into the gas station so the attendant can call the cops.
"We can't! Remember... Danielson."
"Jes. The police can protect us! Ralph is getting his gun so we need their
help. Let's get into the building."
"Won't... come in time," answers Jesse. "If we get to our truck and drive
away, he won't catch us." In a lower voice, "I don't want mom to know."
I'm shaking my head. "That man raped you! He's gotta pay for what he's
done to you."
"I'm not hurt that much. Please, Mike! Let's get back to our truck. Don't
say anything to mom and just drive away."
I see the pleading in my lover's eyes. What he wants to do goes against
what I want to do.
"Flight. Not fight," says Jesse. "It's not worth it! I want to forget
what's happened by leaving. Okay?"
"Jes..." He straightens up against me and takes a few weak steps on his
own. My arms are reaching out to catch him if he falls. We reach the front
corner of the building. I peer around and see Winna walking to our truck.
A sense of dread is Felt coming from Jesse. He doesn't want her to know.
"Okay... Jes." We exchange glances. Relief is seen in my lover's eyes and he
gives me a tight hug. I'm feeling tears in my eyes. It's all my fault for
not being there when he needed me!
"No. Not your fault, Mike."
My chest heaves when sobs come out of my mouth.
"Shh. It will be alright, love."
Jesse pulls from my arms and he wipes my eyes dry. I peer back at him. He
puts on a smile for me that only makes my heart ache that much more for him.
"Mom is waiting for us."
I release a harsh breath. Jes starts walking again so I remain close to
his side. I'm looking down at his butt sticking through his pants. That man
took it! We're both looking out for Ralph. I'm half hoping that he'll
confront us 'cause I want to rip his heart out! We make it back to the
truck. Jesse scoots in while Winna lifts the sack of food out of his way.
"What did you buy, Mike?"
"Hotdogs." I don't look at the woman. Jesse is putting on his seatbelt so
I'm putting mine on. He gives me a sharp look.
"Let's go," asks Jesse.
I put my key in the ignition. The truck starts. We head back to the road
while I'm left feeling stunned by the recent events.
After checking my rear view mirror for a while and not seeing any pursuit,
I manage to relax. Jesse is eating his hotdog like nothing has happened.
He's holding mine. I'd seen him cover it in mustard like I want but I'm not
hungry. Winna hasn't gone back to sleep. She expects to take over the driving
when we reach Billings. That's forty minutes from now.
My adrenaline rush is gone. All of today's events catch up to me, leaving
me feeling real tired. Yawns spring from my mouth. When Jes offers me my
hotdog, I take it. He opens a Coke for me. Before I realize it, my meal has
been eaten. My eyes have settled on that broken yellow line running down the
middle of the road. It's soothing to lose myself in it.
Jesse grasps my elbow. I'm turning to him but the darkness prevents me
from seeing his eyes. Oh. He wants to hold hands with me. I'm dropping my
right hand from the steering wheel. My eyes return to the road.
Cogue-ahtose gallops with ease along the beaten path before me. I'm
following it with my eyes. The broken sun lines. Riding close at my side is
Owopspec. He's reached his left hand out so that we can clasp them.
The path turns unexpectedly to our right. I pull on my horse's reins to
guide him back but he won't. Owopspec leaps into my lap. He reaches forward
for my horse's head and gets him running straight again. My right leg is
urgently pulled on. Cogue-ahtose slows down.
"Mike!"
I wake up in a flash. My hands fly to the steering wheel but the truck
isn't moving. I'm looking around. We're stopped on the shoulder and that's
when it hits me. My dream.
A deep yawn fills my mouth. My head feels so heavy from the need to sleep.
Jesse lowers his right hand from the steering wheel. We exchange looks.
"You fell asleep."
I'm nodding from that realization. I turn to Winna who is heard snoring
against the window.
"Let me wake her." Jesse turns to his mother and shakes her. "Na'a?"
Winna yawns. "Have we reached Billings yet?"
"Almost." I'm lowering my face from her. "I can't keep my eyes open."
"Alright, Mike. I'll drive."
Our doors open and we get out. Winna walks around the front of the truck
while Jesse leads me around the rear. When he sees his mother getting into
the driver's seat, his pants come down in a rush. I hear a bubbling sound.
He wipes his butt with some napkins and tosses them to the ground.
I really need to take a piss. My fly is unzipped and I let go to the road.
Jesse pulls up his pants, leaning against the bumper while he waits for me.
I zip back up and face Jes with concern.
"I'm okay, Mike."
I was about to ask him that. We exchange uneasy glances. Jes limps around
the right side of my truck. He gets in. I'm closing the door and fasten my
seatbelt. Jesse offers me a pillow. It feels warm against my head when I
position it against my window. Winna puts my truck in gear and speeds onto
the road.
Jesse snuggles up to me. His left hand presses over my belly while his
right arm encircles my back. I flinch unexpectedly. Oh. That man in the
restroom had held me the same way in his big arms. He was gonna rape me! I
couldn't help my lover who endured getting his butt fucked. Why didn't Jes
Call out to me for help? I know that we can't Pass thoughts but his fear
didn't reach me until I was already in the restroom.
"I was afraid for you," whispers Jesse.
My lover has his face pressed into my neck. 'Oh, Jes! I could have come
sooner and saved you from what happened.'
"No. You couldn't of."
Tears fill my eyes. I'm feeling so much guilt for not doing anything.
"But you did, love. You weren't harmed." Jesse's voice becomes mere
whispering. "That man only used my body. He didn't subdue my spirit but if
you had given into rage, hurt that man lying on the floor like you did to
Danielson after he was down, that... would have broken me."
I remember punching that policeman again and again. He was pointing his
gun at Jesse outside the house. Such rage in me! I'd lost myself in that
moment and if not for Jes stopping me, I would have killed him.
"That's what I mean."
Jesse releases a tense sigh. He doesn't whisper anything more to me. I
lift my left arm from the seat to hold him close. The swoosh from oncoming
cars is heard. Traffic is picking up as we near Billings and I shut my eyes
tight from the lights filling them. I'm feeling really tired yet my thoughts
are racing with what's happened, how I could have prevented it if only I'd
gone with him to the restroom! What surprises me is that Jes isn't that upset.
Not for himself. He was more worried about me losing control of my anger and
I realize that if I'd kicked that man on the floor or confronted Ralph who
was returning with his gun, things could have turned out worse. Much worse.
I'm Feeling this same concern from Jesse. He kisses my neck and in a
flash, all my troubling thoughts go away. I lose myself to the soothing
warmth coming from my lover. Sleep takes me.
I'm gently shaken awake. My eyes open in the faint glow of morning to see
Jesse sitting beside me. He's smiling. A yawn comes out of my mouth before I
can smile back. I notice that Winna is not in the truck.
"She'll be back soon," says Jesse.
We're parked along a building. I notice a faint whiff of gas from Jes and
realize that he's just filled the tank.
"Do you have to go?"
"No." I'd said that rather loud. Jesse's lips form a tight frown as I'm
realizing he doesn't want to go to the restroom either. A quick look at my
watch shows that it's just after six in the morning. Wow. We're only three
hours away from Rosebud. "Where are we?"
"Mom just crossed into South Dakota," answers Jesse. "A town called
Spearfish. She's feeling really tired, Mike."
I nod in understanding. "I'll drive us the rest of the way." Jesse yawns
so I'm wondering how much sleep he's gotten. I'd fallen asleep at around
midnight with him snuggling up to me.
"I only woke up an hour ago."
Jesse has picked up on my thoughts. He's not touching me though.
A sly grin. "You think really loud," Jesse explains. "I'm sitting close
to you so maybe... that's why I can."
I'm Opening myself to him but all that's getting through are his emotions.
Jes is feeling very anxious. Not for his mom but for meeting Jake later
today. I am too.
Jesse rushes to hug me. I welcome his arms around me with my face
drowning in his long hair. It tickles my nose. 'It's gonna be alright.'
"I know." Jesse tightens his grip. "Are you alright, love?"
"Yes..." When the thought of surrendering myself this Monday to the D.A.
enters my head, I cast it out. I've made that promise to myself! Jes and I
have five days to be together so I don't want to waste it by giving in to my
woes. Fuck Mr. Benton! He's far away along with all my other troubles that
I've left behind in Havre. A thought strikes me. Why not just go on the run?
Ah, no... That would mean leaving Jesse behind 'cause he has responsibilities
to his tribe to keep. Grandfather will be training him in shamanism next
month. How can Jes, though? He's fallen back into himself with our Connection
broken. Only my love for him serves as a bridge to the outside world. If I
run away from my troubles, Jesse won't be whole. I can't stay with him in
Havre 'cause I'm gonna be sent to prison.
"What's troubling you, love?"
"The usual." I feign a grin to put Jes at ease. He isn't fooled for one
second when he lifts his face to peer up at me with mournful eyes. I lose
myself in their depths. There's a Pulling sensation in my head but my
thoughts remain guarded from him 'cause he can't know what I'm gonna have to
do this Mon... I reach down to kiss my lover. He responds, kissing me like
there's no tomorrow. We have a few tomorrows left to be together. Tears sting
my eyes at that thought.
We're startled by a door creaking open. Jes slowly pulls away. It's Winna
getting into the truck who averts her eyes from us.
The woman releases a weary sigh. "Mike. Are you up for some driving?"
"Sure. You've gone all night so I know you're tired. We're almost there."
I'm unfastening my seatbelt and pull my door open. Jes remains where he is.
Winna and I pass each other in front of the truck before getting back inside.
Our doors close. Seatbelts are put on. I'm turning the key in the ignition to
start my truck. "How do I get back to the highway?"
Winna points to her right. "That's where you can get back onto 90 east.
I've just crossed into South Dakota."
At the light, I turn right onto the highway entrance and speed up. There's
not that many cars. I'm stepping on the gas until the speedometer reads
seventy. Winna gasps.
"Mike. I recommend that you don't go faster than sixty. The engine was
running hot. A mechanic put in half a quart of oil back in Gillette."
That concerns me. "Is the truck burning oil?"
"Not really. But it is an old pickup truck my husband used to haul around
construction materials to his work sites."
"Okay." I'm reducing my speed to sixty. That satisfies Winna who settles
her head against the window. She doesn't close her eyes though. The rising
sun is facing us with its harsh glare. After a few miles, the highway curves
to the south much to my relief. There's lots of trucks heading west. Not much
traffic going in my direction. A sign announces that Rapid City is fifty
miles away. I'm consulting my sheet of paper where I've mapped out our route.
At Murdo, we're to turn south on Rt. 83 that'll bring us to Rosebud. Hmm. I
wonder how many miles we have to go?
"About 180," says Jesse.
"How do you know?" I ask, surprised. The maps are still folded laying over
the dashboard.
"I checked earlier when mom stopped for gas."
If Jes is right, Murdo is three hours away at my current speed. Rosebud is
another ten miles south where we'll look for a motel to rest at. I'm glancing
at Winna. She's smiling, likely from hearing her son talking. Our Connection
is still broken but my lover isn't as bad off as I feared. That's a comfort
to me. The real test comes when Jes meets the Headmaster and Jake. Will he
turn shy in front of strangers? Probably.
I'm lowering my right hand from the wheel to clasp Jesse's. Winna adjusts
her position over the seat. Her left arm lifts to clutch the pillow against
her window which also covers her eyes. Jes is falling asleep against me. I
settle down to driving.
Rapid City is long behind us. There's been no major town since though the
traffic is getting heavy. Trucks mostly, heading in the other direction. My
tank is reaching half point so I'm keeping my eye out for a gas station. I've
not kept track of the odometer. At this fill up, I'll note how many miles we
go to the next so I can calculate how many miles my truck gets to the gallon.
I've been watching the engine temperature. It's running a bit hot so I've
reduced my speed to fifty-five some time ago. That's means we're losing five
miles per hour. No big concern.
In Kadoka, I stop for gas. Jes pumps it for me while I'm going to the
restroom. The attendant has given me a key. That's a relief since that means
I'll be alone to do my business behind a locked door. Safe.
When I come out of the restroom, Jes is waiting for me outside. "Go ahead.
I'll wait for you out here." He smiles, knowing what I mean. Christopher's
training is ever in mind so I head for the corner of this building to guard
over Winna as well. She's still sleeping against her window. From this
vantage point, I can keep an eye on my lover as well.
Only a few dollars are returned to me by the attendant. The pump doesn't
take credit cards so I'd handed him a twenty bill. I've given the restroom
key back. Jes and I get into the truck and off we go. We're both getting
excited since Murdo is only forty miles away. Our long journey comes to an
end in an hour!
I'm crossing over the Big White River and become concerned. Rosebud wasn't
found where I expected it. We've gone fifteen miles from Murdo. The map had
indicated it's only ten miles south on Rt. 83. I'm pulling over to the side
of the road. Jes and I pour over the map. "There's Rosebud."
"No. It's down here," says Jesse.
My eyes widen when I see that he's right. The 'Rosebud' I'd found on the
map yesterday doesn't refer to the actual town. A reservation? Jesse moves
his finger so I can plot where we are (above White River) to where we still
have to go. We'll continue on Rt. 83 south to Mission. That's twenty seven
miles away. Then we take Rt. 18 west for about twelve miles until it hits an
unlabeled road going southeast. Rosebud is ten miles down it.
"What's wrong?" asks Winna.
We're both turning to her. "Ah... Nothing. I'm just checking with the map
to confirm our turns for Rosebud."
"Are we close?"
"Yes. We'll be there in about half an hour." Winna drops the pillow to her
lap and straightens up in her seat. Jes and I exchange glances. Neither of us
is gonna admit to a woman that I'd figured our destination wrong. I'm quickly
returning to the road and step on the gas.
In White River, I pull into a gas station. We've only traveled fifty three
miles since Kadoka but it's a good excuse to top off my tank and to ask for
directions. Jes is pumping for me (as usual). Winna has remained in the truck.
It's a small service station manned by an old man. He's wearing overalls, a
wrinkled long sleeved shirt and a baseball cap. I'm given a knowing grin.
"Where you headed?"
I smile in response. "Rosebud. What's the best way to get there?"
"Well. Keep on going down Rt. 83 'till you hit 18 and turn right. After
about eleven miles you'll see a road on your left. That's Rosebud Road and
it'll take you there."
"Thanks. Is that where we can find the Rosebud Indian Mission School?"
"Yes. It's right outside town."
Another thought strikes me. "Is there a motel in Rosebud?"
The man shakes his head. "No... The closest is in Mission. You'd turn left
on Rt. 83 and go three miles to get there."
Jesse walks up to my side. He's slowly waving his hands in the air while
I'm getting a strong odor of gasoline from him. I turn back to the old man.
"Where's the restroom?" He peers at my companion, smiling, and points to a
door on our left. My lover goes to clean up.
After getting my change, I head back to the truck. Winna has popped the
hood. When I'm at her side, a frown of concern comes to my lips to see her
wiping the oil stick. "How is it?"
"Fine. The level is between the two markings." She wads up the oily napkin
and tosses it into the trash can.
I'm dropping the hood with a loud bang. Jesse walks out of the station.
"Clean hands now?" I tease.
"The nozzle leaked!"
There's a wet spot on Jesse's right leg, above his knee. I'm sniffing.
"I'll change my pants at the motel." He sticks his tongue out.
Winna draws our attention when she passes by with a worried frown. Hmm.
Not 'cause her son has spilled gas on himself. I think she's getting really
anxious about meeting Jake. I'm looking at my watch. It's 9:18 AM. We're to
meet with the school's Headmaster at three so we need to get some rest before
then. Jes and I get into the truck.
Mission proves to be a small town as I was expecting. Rt. 83 runs right
through it. A bunch of quaint shops are passed before the motel comes into
sight: 'Mission Keep'. That's a rather funny name. I note the 'vacancy' sign
below its name and that has me longing for sleep. I'm pulling into the lot. I
park my truck near the manager's office.
"I'll get us two rooms," says Winna. She gets out of the truck.
Jesse turns to me with a sly grin. "It'll be nice to sleep in a bed."
He's nodding in agreement. I'm looking forward to being in his arms when the
memory of what's happened last night hits me like a tomahawk blow. My eyes
drop from Jes.
When Winna returns, she directs me to the rear of the building. I'm
parking in front of room twelve. This motel is single storied. It's stucco
that reminds me of the Catholic missions of old. We're getting out of the
truck. Jesse reaches behind my seat to fetch our clothes. He hands over his
mother's bag to her along with a large envelope.
"Our meeting is at three," reminds Winna. "How far away is Rosebud?"
"About half an hour away." The woman thinks for a moment.
"I'd like us to leave here at one thirty. We'll have lunch in town then
head for Jake's school. Is that alright with you?"
I'm nodding in reply. Winna unlocks her door and with a weary glance in
our direction, goes into her room. I'm clutching the large plastic tag
bearing our room number. Why do motels have key rings so overly big? I insert
the key in the lock, turn it and push on the door. Jes follows me into the
room. It smells stuffy as if no one has used it in weeks. There are two beds.
A quick glance reveals a television set over a long counter with drawers
below. Green carpeting. My eyes return to the beds. I really need some sleep.
"Why don't you take a shower?" Jesse walks towards the bathroom while I'm
removing most of my clothes. The covers are pulled down. I'm half falling
into bed. My head hits the pillow and sleep takes me.
I'm startled awake when arms come around me from behind. How could I have
forgotten about Jesse? Man! I'm really out of it. The warmth of his bare
chest presses against my back. He's naked or nearly so. I don't have any
desire to do anything with him except to sleep.
"I'm tired too," whispers Jesse.
My head backs into the pillow. There's ringing in my ears that I think
comes from not hearing my pickup's engine roar after all these hours. This
room is so quiet. I'm glad that Jesse hasn't pulled up the covers since it's
rather warm in here especially with him holding me but I want... no need my
lover to hold me right now! I should be the one holding him after the horrible
thing that's happened to him earlier.
"I'm alright, Mike."
"Are you really?" I'm thinking of turning around to face Jesse but his
arms keep their tight grip around me.
"Go to sleep."
I really need to. My body is weary and my head feels stunned after our
long drive. Winna was behind the wheel for six hours. I'd driven for about
eight. It's worn me out, physically and mentally. Jesse had endured worse.
I'm trying not to think about it right now since we both need the sleep but I
can't help myself. That man... He raped my lover! Oh, God. How can he be
alright?
"I wasn't hurt and you weren't either, love. That's what matters."
"Oh, Jes. I'm sorry that it happened! If it had been me, I couldn't..."
"I know, love. Please forget about it."
How can I? Anguish squeezes my heart for what my lover has had to endure!
If it had been me, I couldn't just walk away and let them get away with it.
Ralph should have been made to pay! So what if he was running to get his gun.
I'd subdued his companion with my punch to his stomach so it's not like I'm
unable to defend myself. Chris has had training in hand-to-hand fighting.
He's faced mounted soldiers with their rifles blazing. I could have taken
Ralph on. Then he'd be the one laying dead at my feet instead of Strong-as-
the-mountain. It should have been me who was shot by that soldier. Not
Owopspec's grandfather!
"Mike. It wasn't your fault! Kris couldn't stop the soldiers' attack on
his tribe or prevent grandfather's death."
"He prevented mine!" The guilt Christopher bore from that day has carried
into my life. He wanted to die but Strong-as-the-mountain had kept Chris to
the ground by pulling on his hair. After the soldiers had galloped passed, he
turned to the old man and saw that look in his eyes. That blank unseeing
stare that haunts me to this day.
"You are sick at heart, Mike. Not only because of the woes in this life
but from your former self. Give them up!"
"I... can't." Jesse releases his breath against my left ear. He's feeling
disappointed with me. Tears run down my cheeks.
"Mike. Please try to go to sleep."
I've noticed how Jes doesn't call me by that name he's given me. Not since
yesterday morning when he Sent me his plea: 'Come back to me, Short Hair.'
Why?
"You didn't come back to me as... him. That's what I feared would happen."
"What do you mean?" Jesse squeezes me hard in his arms.
"You have strayed from the path, love. I know how hard things have been
for you and I forgive you! As you left me yesterday morning to attend that
meeting with your lawyer, I'd Seen that something would happen to shake your
faith and resolve. That's why I'd asked you to come back to me."
"I did! I'm sorry that we didn't have that afternoon to be together but
something happened at the meeting that I needed to think about. Alone."
"Only Mike came back to me."
What is Jes trying to say? Does he know that I've angered the bundle's
spirit Passed into us by thinking that we could have done without its power?
I'd cursed God for getting me in all this trouble. He's punishing me, and
Jesse too.
"No, love. Your thinking is all wrong. Our Father isn't angry with you nor
is that spirit dwelling inside us. It's you who is angry. At yourself. That
is why our Connection has been broken."
I'm turning around in Jesse's arms to face him with pleading in my voice.
"What can I do to restore it?"
"Come back to me, Short Hair."
"What... do you mean. How?" Jesse shrugs his shoulders and he looks away
from my piercing gaze.
"I didn't See how. I think, maybe, when you've found yourself again. To be
more than just Mike... That's when our Connection will return."
"I want that more than anything! Then we can love each other like it was
before." Jesse peers at me wide eyed.
"Our love hasn't changed! It has nothing to do with that Power Bundle. We
didn't even know about Kris and Good-eyes who had fallen in love in our
previous lives. I chose you and you chose me. We are in love as much as it's
ever going to get!"
Jesse buries his face in my neck. I hold him close, crying with him. What
he's said is true. We are still in love in spite of our Connection being
broken but we need to get that back. Then Jes will be whole again so he can
follow in his grandfather's footsteps as shaman. I'll return to who I was as
Short Hair. A true human being. If our special bond is to be restored, I must
find myself again. That's what Jesse said but how can I? The bundle's spirit
had given me that power to be more than who I was as Mike. It's a catch-22
situation.
"Sleep, love. My mom is going to need us at her side when she sees Jake so
we need to be fresh."
"I want to sleep!" but too many troubling thoughts are running around my
head.
"Let me help you then."
My eyes widen in understanding. It's a thing Jes has done to me before
coming from his ability to Look into people he was born with. I'm nodding for
him to do it. A calming sensation comes over me. We cling to each other and I
don't notice that moment when I fall asleep.
I'm awakened by the loud ringing of a telephone. Jesse stirs from my
breast. He lifts his head from me, reaching behind him to the nightstand and
lifts the phone. I hear Winna's voice. My lover answers her.
"Ah, na'a. Nits sksin nii pa."
I'm not sure what Jesse told her. Modern Siksika has many words that's
changed from what Chris has been taught of old. Winna asks him something.
Jesse answers, "Sah. Nits iiks staa na ah ksoy ssi.
Hmm. Jes doesn't want to eat lunch. I'm giving him the eye and scold,
"Kits iiks eepik sini, Jes-ee-ah."
"Okay. Bye." Jesse cradles the phone. "Why did you say that my nose is
too thin?"
I'm shaking my head. "Eepik doesn't mean nose in old Siksika. I was saying
that your body is too thin... by not wanting to eat." Jesse nods his head in
understanding. "What did your mother say?"
"She wants us to get ready."
I look at my watch. It's 1:15pm. Jesse startles me when he drops on top
of me. He's giving me a kiss.
"We have a little time."
I reach my arms around Jes and kiss him back. That gets my cock tingling.
I'm feeling his dick rubbing over mine. Is he wearing underwear?
"Find out, love."
My left hand wanders down Jesse's back but I stop short of touching him
down there. That man... he'd raped my lover! I'm squeezing my eyes shut in
anguish. Anger is Felt coming from Jes.
"I took a shower earlier like you asked. I'm clean, Mike."
Yeah. I remember asking Jesse that before I fell into bed. My eyes open
to look up at my lover. I'm seeing resolve in him not to allow what's
happened to prevent us from making love. My left hand reaches lower for his
butt. He's not wearing underwear. We stare at each other for a moment then
I'm given his hungry kiss. I respond. Any thought of denying my lover flies
from my head when our bodies move against each other. Jes tries pulling down
my underwear so I lift my butt up from the bed. When I fall back to it, our
hard cocks rub together. More kisses. We lose ourselves in utter passion.
I Feel such need from Jesse to be with me. I need him too! My butt flexes
over the bed when I'm driving myself up against him with stabs. His dick
meets my blows. My shoulders are grasped and pulled on with a lusty beat.
Both of my hands are enjoying his ass. It humps wildly.
"Mike!"
I'm feeling my lover's squirts. Pleasure explodes in his head and I'm
Sharing in that. With a few more pulls over his butt, I get my cock to shoot.
Jesse cries out again when he Shares in my male joy.
We rest for a while in each other's arms.
I'm running a razor across my chin. Jesse remembered to pack it before we
left home. On the sink is toothpaste and my toothbrush. He'd set it out for
me earlier. I've showered alone. If we were to share that pleasure, it would
have led to another 'delay' before we leave the room. Winna is waiting for us
outside to join her for lunch.
I walk naked into the bedroom. Jes has laid out clean clothes for me to
wear: blue jeans, underwear, socks, and a brown long-sleeved shirt. He has
already dressed. My hairy body is still damp so I'm sitting over the bed for
a moment.
Jesse looks at the clothes laid out beside me. I think he's wondering why
I'm not putting them on. "You forgot to bring the hair dryer."
"My mom and I don't use one."
I'm smiling. Jesse catches my drift when he looks at my hairy chest.
We're both remembering how he blow dried me in my trailer's bedroom. It was
the first time he'd seen me naked. "Come here." Jes stands in front of me
with a grin on his face. He's wearing tan pants (with a belt) and a dark red
shirt. His long black hair flows down past his shoulders to his back. No
braiding. A very Indian looking face. Longing fills my heart to see how young
and cute he looks. Every emotion that my lover is feeling is there on his
face. I'm Feeling how much Jes loves me in return. "You look very nice."
Jesse nods. "So do you."
I'm looking down at myself, hiding my smile when asking, "You think Jake
will think so?" I playfully buck over the bed to get my cock bouncing over my
balls. Jesse giggles.
"Oh, yes but he won't get to enjoy this view of you... once you're in
some clothes."
"I'll dress soon." Our eyes meet in secret understanding that requires no
need to be Connected. We already are through our love. I lift my right hand
to touch Jesse's nose. It's a big one. He closes his eyes and breathes
heavily when I rub my fingers across his brown cheeks. Nicely rounded. I'm
feeling no trace of facial hair even from his chin. In spite of my lover's
age at twenty-three, he remains smooth faced like a teenaged boy. I lower my
hand back to my lap. Jes opens his eyes, shining from strong emotion. "You
will hide away your love eyes for me in front of your cousin."
"Of course."
I'm laughing when Jesse's face turns plain and the tightening of his lips
makes him look fierce.
"I'll stay away from you when we meet Jake. My mom in the middle of us."
Winna is a big lady. It aches me that we can't stand together but Jake may
figure us out if we were to. I don't want to make a scene. The boy is in
grief so our presence at his school is to comfort him. That'll fall mainly
on his aunt when she hugs him admits tears from them both. Jes and I will...
well, just wait around.
My chest is touched. Jesse rubs his fingers with a thoughtful look on his
face. He's thinking of getting a towel to dry me. My eyes widen in surprise.
'Jes. Can you Hear me?' Nothing. He's walking towards the bathroom when I get
to my feet to stop him. "A towel won't help much. It can't dry my hair."
"How did you know I was getting one for you?"
"Your intention just popped in my head." We exchange hopeful looks. I'm
Opening myself to him but I'm not Hearing his thoughts. Only emotion. Jes is
Feeling disappointment as I am. He hugs me with his hands rubbing all over my
back. His left hand falls to my butt.
"You're still wet."
"I have a trick for that." After giving Jesse's bottom a fond squeeze,
I'm pulling from his arms and fling myself into the second unused bed. I roll
over its covers to dry my body. Jes giggles at my antics.
We're startled by a knock on our door. Jesse goes to answer it while I
pull down the covers and slip inside to hide my nakedness from his mom. The
door is opened slightly.
"Jes-ee-ah. Are you two ready yet?"
"Almost. We'll be out in a few minutes."
I'm looking towards them but I can't see Winna because of the way the door
opens on Jesse's right. He shuts the door. I'm getting out of bed, streak
to my clothes and quickly put them on. Jes has laid them out in an orderly
fashion: underwear and socks on top of my folded shirt. Jeans beneath them.
He fetches my gym shoes from the floor for me. I'm slipping them on.
"Ready?" asks Jesse.
"Yeah." Our clothes bag is left in the room. We're spending the night here
at least even if there's a motel found closer to Jake's school. I doubt that.
That old man at the gas station in White River said that there's none in
Rosebud. We're only half an hour away by being here in Mission. I'm looking
for the room key. Jesse dangles it from his hand so I follow him outside.
The waitress sets down our drinks. Hot chocolate with whip cream for me,
coffee for Winna and orange juice for Jesse.
"May I get you anything else?"
"No. We're fine thank you," answers Winna.
Our waitress is Native American. I've been noticing how many of the people
in this town are. Sioux, I think. None of us have ordered food. At least Jes
and I had hotdogs last night but Winna is too nervous to eat anything. She
hasn't spoken a word since we joined her outside our room. This restaurant
was just across the street from our motel. The 'Crow Eagle Diner'. Most of
the patrons are Indian so I'm thinking we're in a reservation. I didn't see a
sign saying that when we turned south onto Rt. 83 from Murdo.
Winna gulps coffee from her mug. I'm stirring the whip cream in my hot
chocolate to cool it down. Jesse sips his orange juice. We're both glancing
at his mom from time to time to see how she's holding up. Not well, I think.
There's fatigue seen in her face that has me thinking she didn't sleep any in
her motel room. At least she'd slept some in the truck when I was driving.
"May I give you a refill?"
Winna nods so the waitress tops her mug off with coffee. "Excuse me..."
The young woman looks at me, smiling. I'm not sure if it's polite to ask but
I go ahead anyway. "Are you Sioux?"
"Sioux Lakota, of the Burnt Thigh Nation."
"Oh." I notice her gaze on Jesse and his mom. "They're Blackfoot from
northern Montana."
"Siksika?" the waitress asks.
"Yes." My right hand automatically lifted from my mug in an affirmative
gesture. That draws the woman's attention.
"Would you like more hot chocolate?"
"No, thank you." I'm lowering my right hand to my knee to prevent more
outbursts from it. From Chris, I not only know how to speak old Siksika but
hand gesturing as well. This woman mistook my signing for 'yes'. She leaves
our table to offer hot coffee to her other patrons.
We finish our drinks in silence. Winna excuses herself, passing our
waitress who exchanges a few words with her. Then she comes to our table.
With a smile, the woman sets down our bill near me. I'm waiting until she
leaves before looking at it. Six dollars are taken from my wallet.
Jes and I wait for his mom to return. I'm noticing how quiet my lover has
been. When we exchange glances, he shyly drops his eyes to stare at his empty
glass. He's Feeling a bit overwhelmed. That has me noticing how crowded this
restaurant is. People look in our direction though not really Looking at us,
the babbling of their voices, eating sounds and the occasional laughter.
There's movement all around us. Parents with two kids being led to a table
near ours, a young boy playfully spinning over a stool and the passage of
vehicles along the street. I can shut it out but not Jesse who has to endure
the noise that can overwhelm him. Being autistic does this. When we were
Connected, I'd filtered that out for him so he could be normal.
I'm reaching my left hand under the table until finding Jesse's leg. His
right knee is grasped. That draws my lover's eyes back to me, so filled with
fright and desperation. "Let's go." He looks towards the restrooms. "We'll
wait for your mother outside."
Jesse is nearly running for the door. We have to wait for a married couple
entering the restaurant before making good our escape. Hmm. How did I know
that? Not from Gleaning (lost that ability when our Connection was severed)
so I'm thinking my impression had come from Jes. He's crouching by the side
of the building, arms wrapped around himself. I have to resist my urge to
give him a protective hug.
"So many... Voices!" gasps Jesse.
My eyes widen in alarm. My lover is Hearing everyone's thoughts along with
what they're feeling. And he's not even touching them. 'Jes...' No response.
'Jes-ee-ah! Look at me and concentrate only on me.' He does. I'm Sending him
strength which he latches onto like a life preserver. His long arms rush
around me, face buried in my chest. Some people are leaving the restaurant.
I ignore their curious stares by turning us away from them. I'm concentrating
on my lover again, Sending him whatever he needs so he won't drown.
"Mike! What's wrong with my son?"
Winna steps in front of us and when she sees Jesse's distress, a haunting
look fills her eyes. She knows what's wrong with him.
"Take him back to the truck."
The woman's voice was filled with concern. I'm half carrying Jesse
towards the sidewalk, across the street and into the motel's parking lot.
Winna is close at our side. We reach my truck and I'm digging into my pocket
for the keys. Winna scoops her son from my arms to hold him.
After opening my door, I slide across the seat to open their door. Winna
lifts her son inside.
"Kitai ko pohpa?"
I don't know what Winna has asked.
"Sah. I need Mike!"
Jesse tears from his mother's arms to reach me. I'm holding him back,
feeling him shaking like a leaf.
"Maybe you should take him to your room..."
I'm holding up my right hand to quiet the woman. I concentrate on Sending
to Jesse my strength and love to put him at ease. There's that Pulling
sensation from my head. It leaves me feeling faint.
Jesse clings to me for a while. I'm giving him what he needs though it's
very draining for me. I don't know how I'm doing it. With our Connection
broken, a lot of energy is wasted in the Passing like tossing water out of a
bucket into the air in the hope of some falling into his thirsty mouth.
There's a loud ringing in my ears. As I'm about to pass out, Jes Pulls away
from me. He continues to cling to me physically. Sight returns to my eyes.
I straighten up in my seat and turn to face Winna.
"Mike. Tell me what's happened."
I'm wetting my lips. "Our Connection has been broken since yesterday." The
woman nods slightly. "Jes was feeling overwhelmed in the restaurant by so
many people being there."
"I've seen this happen before with my son."
"He needs my strength... my energy to sustain him and block all the Voices
filling his head." I don't know if Winna understands but that's the closest I
can come up with to describe what's happening to her son.
"I'm okay, mom."
Winna releases her breath in a huff. "Oh, honey! I am worried about you."
Jesse slowly pulls from my arms. He sits up in his seat though his eyes
are cast down at his knees.
"Do you want to go to your room and sleep?" asks Winna.
Jes shakes his head back and forth. I'm realizing that if he did, I'd have
to go with him and Winna would be left alone to meet Jake. He doesn't want to
do that. I close my eyes in concentration. The turmoil I'd Felt earlier from
my lover has faded. "He's... better now, Winna."
"I am, mom." Jesse takes a few breaths. "Let's go."
Before the woman can object, I'm closing my door and start the engine. We
all put on seatbelts. I don't dare look at Winna in case she's having second
thoughts about leaving the motel yet I have to turn my head to look behind me
when I'm backing out. She's holding her son so our eyes don't meet. I shift
into first gear and drive through the parking lot to the street. I'm turning
left. No one says a word when we leave Mission. Rt. 83 comes up a few miles
later but I continue driving west since that's where the turn off will come
to reach Rosebud.
Jes reaches down to the floor. After taking a few glances off the road,
I see what he's brought to his lap. A bag is opened. He pulls out a hotdog
and starts eating it. That brings a smile to my lips and I'm relieved that
he's feeling hungry. Well. He's not Feeling hungry but hopes that food will
help restore him so he can face what lies ahead. Meeting with Jake.
I'm slowing down. There's a road forking to the south that should be the
one that leads to Rosebud. A sign indicates that it's BIA-1. Huh? That old
man at the gas station said I'm to take Rosebud Road.
"Is that our turn?" asks Winna.
"I don't know..." I've forgotten to keep track of the miles since leaving
Mission but I think we've gone eleven miles like the man said. "This may be
our turn off. It's going in the right direction but I was told to take
Rosebud Road. This says 'BIA-1' whatever that means."
"Bureau of Indian Affairs," whispers Jesse.
"That's how roads are sometimes labeled in the reservations," adds Winna.
From her voice, she's not sure if this is the road I'm to take. I make a
decision. We start heading south. The pavement is cracked and there is the
occasional pothole. At least it's not a dirt road like the one going into
the Rocky Boys Reservation from the north. This road is nearly wide enough
for two lanes. The surrounding area is flat with a long stand of trees seen
in the distance on our right. I drive for a few more miles. Another sign
comes up and to my relief, it announces that we are on Rosebud Road.
We enter the town. It must be small 'cause the sign states a population of
only 1,650. More importantly to me, it proudly announces being the home to
the Rosebud Indian Mission School. I drive into a residential neighborhood.
Rows of single stories houses line both sides of the street. Some are well
kept while others... There's a woman and two kids walking down the sidewalk.
She's Native American. I'm pulling over to the curb and mouth the word 'ask'
to Winna. She rolls her window down.
"Hello? Excuse me... Could you please tell me how to get to the Indian
Mission School?"
The two kids stop dead in their tracks. It's a boy of around eleven and a
younger sister. The woman timidly steps up to our truck. When she sees that
Winna is Native like herself, her face breaks out into a smile.
"Yes. Drive on for two blocks and turn right onto Main Street. Go four
blocks and turn left on Spotted Tail Road. After a few miles, you'll see a
sign for the school. It's outside of town."
"Thank you very much," says Winna.
I'm smiling to hear the woman's soft Indian accent. It differs from
Winna's by the way she spoke certain words. Jesse peeks around his mom to
look at the woman and her two kids. I drive on after a moment.
Main Street seems to be the commercial district of Rosebud. There's a
movie video store, quick mart, gas station (my tank is still nearly full),
grocery store, gift shop and the city hall. This government building is
rather small. A few more shops are passed but I don't note what they are.
I turn left onto Spotted Tail Road. There are houses along it (left side)
with a river on our right. I follow it for two miles until coming upon a sign
for the Rosebud Indian Mission School. I'm directed to turn right at the next
intersection. Excitement fills the truck. Winna is intently looking through
the windshield to catch sight of the first buildings. Jesse grabs my right
hand. He's already holding his mother's hand. I turn right as directed by
the next sign that announces the school.
We pass under a carved wooden archway: 'Rosebud Indian Mission School'
and follow a curving road through a thick stand of trees. We can't see the
buildings yet. Tension grows in the truck. Winna stares forward intently
while I'm Sensing from Jes how tight his mother's hand has become around his.
I've been holding his hand. The trees give way to offer us a view of the area
ahead. I see several buildings, long and single storied painted white, a
church bearing a cross atop its steeple and a structure that reminds me of an
Indian lodge formed of huge tree trunks fitted together. The sign asks that
visitors go to the administrative building. I'm pulling into the parking lot
filled with cars.
Winna releases a tense sigh. She looks at her son for a moment with her
eyes peering at me, filled with apprehension and excitement. I'm sensing how
much she'll be depending upon us to get her through this day. I give the
woman an assuring grin. She reaches down to her feet for a large yellow
envelope but pauses from opening her door. I open mine and get out. Jes joins
his mom on the other side of my truck. I'm breathing in the fresh air. It's a
bit cool and smelling strongly of pine trees.
We start walking towards the 'lodge'. I'm leading in front with Jesse
holding his mother's hand. Two large wooden doors present themselves with a
sign on the rightmost confirming that this is the administrative building. I
push it open. We enter a large entrance hall filled with glass displays,
Christian motifs along the walls (Virgin Mary cradling her baby Jesus is very
striking) and to my surprise, there are tiled Indian designs covering the
floor at our feet. After looking around, I notice a man sitting at a desk who
is watching us. He's white faced but garbed all in black. A priest! Winna has
noticed him too. After we exchange glances, I lead us to him.
The black robed priest stands up. "Welcome. I am Brother Mathews. How may
I assist you?"
"Ah. We're here to see the Headmaster." He smiles knowingly as if having
expected my response.
"You will find him through there." The Brother points to the hall slightly
behind him.
I offer him my thanks and lead Winna and her son down the hall. It ends at
an open door. I'm pausing to take a deep breath before entering the room.
There's a woman crouched over a zerox machine with her back to us. I'm taking
a quick look around. She's obviously the secretary when I see a desk stacked
with papers, a telephone and computer and along the wall are four filing
cabinets. The woman is plump. Long black hair flows down her back and when
her left hand reaches for the stack of copies in the hopper, I note its brown
color. She's likely Native American.
"Oh, hello!" exclaims the secretary.
She sets the copies down on her desk before walking up to us. I'm opening
my mouth to speak but Winna beats me to the punch.
"I have a three o'clock appointment to see... Headmaster McMillan."
Winna's voice sounded very nervous. The secretary gently nods and her warm
smile helps put us all at ease.
"I'm Rosemary, Father McMillan's secretary."
"I'm Winnapah, this is my son Jes-ee-ah and his... friend Mike."
Rosemary nods in acknowledgement. "I'll tell the Father that you're here."
She turns from us and goes to a door I hadn't noticed before to knock on it.
Even before waiting to hear a response, she opens it and goes through. Jes is
still holding his mother's hand. He's standing on the other side of her, away
from me as we've planned. After a moment, the woman returns with a black
robed priest behind her. My eyes drop from the man's bearded face to his
sandals. I'm not sure why I avoided his eyes. Not out of a sense of shame but
perhaps shyness (me?) and apprehension. He greets us.
"I welcome you to our school. I'm Father Sean McMillan."
As the closest to him, Fr. McMillan offers me his hand. I shake it while
muttering my name. "I'm Mike Yager." We exchange looks. He's white faced with
kindly brown eyes peering down at me. A big tall man. His dark beard is
shortly cut to his chin. There's strength to his hand shake. He's been
studying me too in this moment. I wonder what he thinks about me? This has me
wishing that I can Glean people like I did before.
"I'm Winnapah."
Fr. McMillan is shaking hands with Winna beside me. She's not that
uncomfortable with it but her anxiety about meeting with Jake is apparent in
her eyes. The man doesn't linger before her like he's done with me and offers
his right hand to Jesse. My lover doesn't lift his eyes up from his feet.
"This is my son, Jes-ee-ah." An awkward moment passes when her son doesn't
face the man or shake his hand. "Sorry... He's autistic."
I can't believe Winna told him that! Well. She is pretty nervous and felt
the need to explain her son's seemingly unfriendliness due to his shyness.
"I see the resemblance," says Fr. McMillan.
Yeah. Jes does look like his mother though not as plump faced.
"To Jake?" asks Jesse.
My eyes widen in understanding. That's what the Father meant!
"Yes." Father McMillan turns to his secretary. "Could you please locate
Jake Marques and have him sent here once I give the word?"
"Yes, Father."
"May I speak with you alone, Winnapah?"
Winna nods, following Fr. McMillan into his office but not before giving
her son a backwards glance. Jes closes the distance between us. I'm resisting
the temptation to hold hands with him. The door is shut before us. My lover
lifts his eyes from the floor to peer at me. I give him a smile.
"You can sit over there while you wait," suggests Rosemary.
Jesse slowly turns from me and walks to a row of chairs along the wall.
I'm joining him. He sits down, folding his hands in his lap while staring at
his knees. I'm about to sit when noticing a rack of pamphlets above his head.
I grab one.
I'm looking at Jes but he doesn't raise his eyes from their fixed position
on his knees. Rosemary sits at her desk. She calls someone to inquire about
Jake and that gives me the chance to whisper to my lover. "Are you alright?"
He slowly nods. I become concerned when his feelings aren't Reaching me. I
can't tell if he's scared, sad, anxious or anything. The pamphlet is brought
to his hand. That allows me to brush fingers with him and I Send him what
support I can.
Jesse studies the pamphlet. I'm reading it too, describing the role of
the Rosebud Indian Mission School to the Lakota People. It's a Roman Catholic
not-for-profit organization. I'm following the words with my eyes but from
nervousness, not really reading them. A few phrases stick in my mind though:
'Baptized Catholics on the Rosebud reservation', '43% are eighteen years or
younger', 'young people demand our full attention'. I'm closing my eyes for a
moment of rest. The information in this pamphlet is important to know so I
should give it my full attention.
I'm opening my eyes and start at the beginning again. The pamphlet reads:
Welcome to the Rosebud Indian Mission School.
This mission school is sponsored by the Society of Jesus
(Jesuits). It's a Roman Catholic not-for-profit organization
with the purpose of providing quality education to needing
boys and bring the Gospel of Jesus to those who have not heard
of it. There are large numbers of baptized Catholics on the
Rosebud reservation. Many are not active in the Church. This
is especially true for young people. According to the U.S.
Census 43% of the people who live on Rosebud are eighteen
years of age or younger. From a recent study commissioned by
the Diocese of Rapid City we know that most of these young
people are not affiliated with any religious tradition
although many have been baptized. These young people demand
our full attention. A scientific study conducted by Dartmouth
University and the YMCA of America, shows that If they are not
given a spiritual foundation they will seek to fill up the
holes in their souls with drugs, alcohol, violence and sexual
promiscuity. Our immediate challenge is to help these young
people find meaning in their lives by bringing them into
contact with Christ.
As Jesuit, sponsored by the Wisconsin Province of the
Society of Jesus, Rosebud Indian Mission School is animated
by the charism of St. Ignatius Loyola and by the Spiritual
Exercises, Jesuit of justice which it includes. Rosebud
Mission acknowledges the Xaverian Brothers of Penance and
Christian Charity, who founded the mission in 1886 by
erecting a Church and school.
I'm skimming through the long history that lists dates, names of Jesuit
priests, Lakota Chiefs (who welcomed the Black Robes to teach their children
so through the Catholic Faith, helped them to function in White society).
I want to get to the part talking about the school of today. Jesse turns the
page. He points to what I'm looking for and I continue reading.
After the tragic fire in 1969, which consumed the boarding
school and other mission buildings, only the Church, which was
spared, continued to serve the Lakota people in Christ...
I'm skipping to the next paragraph that talks about the rebuilding of the
boys' boarding school in 1973. Hmm. When the building was finished, classes
began again. There's a mention of pledges made by the Jesuits to the Lakota
Sioux to respect Native beliefs in 'the fostering of understanding between
different spiritual paths'. Kind of makes me wonder if that fire hadn't been
started by Indians who were angry at the way their children were being taught
Christian values while snubbing Native beliefs. I know that in the early
mission days, Indian kids were taken from their parents and dressed in White
clothes, hair cut short, given White names and forbidden to speak in their
Native tongue or practice their religion. Winna has heard of this and
explains why she didn't know if the Headmaster would grant her permission to
see Jake. I told Jes that he would; that's why he'd sent that letter.
Jesse turns the page and points out a diagram to me. It shows the layout
of this school: administrative building (where we're at now), two dormitories
that house eighty boys (older and younger), a refectory (dining hall), the
Church and a classroom building that also houses the library and computers.
There's a dotted outline for two more buildings planning to be built. Another
dorm and classroom. Donations are requested to 'achieve this necessity'.
There's a buzz from Rosemary's desk. We hear Fr. McMillan asking her to
have Jake sent to his office. Jes and I exchange excited looks. We're gonna
be the first to set eyes on the boy! I'm folding the pamphlet, tucking it
into my front left pocket. We're both too anxious to look at it anymore. The
secretary lifts her phone and dials. She speaks really soft but I can make
out her mentioning Jake's name and that of the Headmaster's. The woman
cradles her phone and comes over to us.
"Do you have any questions about our school?"
She'd seen us pouring over the pamphlet of course. "Ah... No. Not right
now, thank you."
Rosemary smiles, dropping into the chair beside Jes-ee-ah. "Your cousin
will be arriving shortly." She sees him nod shyly. "Allow your mother to meet
with him first since Jake... He doesn't know that you've come to see him."
I'm startled into speaking. "Why wasn't he told?"
The woman's lips form a tight frown. "Jake is very upset as you can
understand from learning about his mother's... death. Father McMillan wanted
to be sure that you were coming and I'm sorry to admit, verify that Winnapah
is the boy's aunt. He's not seen or heard from family since being admitted to
our school at the age of five. We didn't want to dash Jake's hopes. Father
McMillan thought it best to wait until you did arrive before telling Jake.
Please don't say anything to him when he comes into the room."
"Okay." I look at Jes who meets my eyes for a brief moment. He understands
the situation.
"Jes-ee-ah. Your cousin does bear a striking resemblance to you. I knew
right off that you were Jake's family and Father McMillan obviously has been
assured that your mother is his mother's sister. The boy has been grieving.
We've tried to console him but that is best done by his family even if he
never knew his aunt. I think you could provide the most help for being the
same age he is, someone that Jake can really talk to."
I'm getting what she's saying. Jesse lifts his eyes from his knees to
peer over at Rosemary.
"I will."
It took a lot of effort for my lover to say that and meet the woman's
gaze. I'm Sending Jes strength which he soaks up like a sponge. I'm left
feeling a bit dazed. When I come to, Rosemary is back at her desk. I think a
few minutes have passed. Jesse touches my arm and I'm Feeling how sorry he
is to be depending on me so much and how it weakens me. 'I'm alright now.'
He looks me in the eye for a long moment so I smile to him in assurance.
The office door is opened. Jesse and I turn our heads and see a boy
approaching Rosemary's desk. It must be Jake! His face does resemble my
lover's for the most part though I note a trace of a moustache like you see
from not shaving for a day. A big Indian nose, brown eyes (I think) and nice
rounded cheeks. Such sadness in his face. He's not seen us yet by having his
attention directed at the secretary. The boy is taller than me! He's also
more muscular by the way his chest and arms bulge out from his white shirt.
My eyes lower to check out his butt. Wow. A nice pair of cheeks stick out
from his blue dress pants. I'm quickly lifting my naughty eyes. He wears
shoulder length hair, brown, parted in the middle.
"Go right in, Jake."
He walks towards the door and finally notices us sitting along the wall to
his right. Jesse is given a startled look by the boy. I'm holding my breath,
hoping that my lover won't do or say anything to confirm what Jake may be
suspecting. I'm given a quick glance. It's difficult, but I keep my face
plain of emotion when our eyes meet. Jake walks faster to reach the door.
He opens it, pausing a moment to peek inside before going into the room.
Rosemary notices that the door has been left open but she decides to let that
be after exchanging glances with me.
I'm straining my ears to hear voices. Father McMillan asks Jake to take a
seat. There's silence for a long moment. Jesse is closer to the door so I
wonder if he's hearing anything.
"... your mother's older sister, Winnapah who's come to see you."
"Oh, Jake! I am so sorry about your mother's death. She was my sister..."
Fr. McMillan shouts out Jake's name and in the next moment, I see the boy
running out of the room. His face looks like a wild animal, torn by strong
emotion when he rushes past us. Jesse jumps from his seat to give chase.
Fr. McMillan enters the room with Winna close behind him. Rosemary stands up
at her desk just as startled as I am by what's happened.
I'm torn by running after them or staying at Winna's side. The woman is
crying but when Fr. McMillan offers her a hug, that decides it for me. I run
off down the hall. In the entrance way, I'm passing Brother Mathews who's
looking bewildered. No time is given to explain things to him. I exit the
building and find them right away. Jake is sprawled on the landing over his
belly facing away from me. He's clutching a post. Jesse is kneeling right
behind him. His hands are trying to turn the boy around to face him.
"Jake? It's going to be alright," Jesse pleads.
I step closer to them. Jes is trying to loosen Jake's left hand from the
post but it's not gonna happen. The boy is much stronger. I'm sensing someone
standing behind me, likely Brother Mathews but he can't see much from the
door 'cause my body is blocking his view of them.
To my surprise, Jake's left hand is pulled from the post. Jesse holds it
in both his hands. The boy has turned to face my lover. That wild look is
gone from his face but I see the tears. My lover helps Jake to sit up. He
doesn't notice me but stares at my lover with glowing green eyes. The tiny
hairs lift at the back of my neck from Sensing Power. Wonder and awe fills
the boy's face when Jesse Talks to him, mind to mind. I'm Sensing that.
"Oh. Father!"
I look back to see Brother Mathews giving way to Winna and Fr. McMillan
coming out the door. I'm holding up my right hand to them in warning. Jes
needs a moment to calm the boy. Relief fills me when Fr. McMillan nods in
acknowledgment to my plea. Winna slowly approaches. I'm Feeling from Jes to
allow her to go to Jake.
When I turn to look down at the boy, his eyes have returned to being
brown. I'm not sure what I saw (sunlight reflecting in them earlier?) but
I had Sensed Power in Jake. That's since faded. He's still staring at Jesse
with a plain expression on his face. Whatever my lover has Told him has
calmed the boy and he gives no outwards appearance of what's transpired
between them to the others.
"Jake?" Winna grasps the post and slowly drops to her knees beside him.
"Are you alright?"
The boy slowly nods. He tears his eyes away from Jesse's to look at Winna
with shame on his face.
"I didn't mean to startle you earlier, Jake. It wasn't your fault..."
"I couldn't help myself. I didn't mean to run away like that."
The woman gives Jake an understanding look. She opens her arms to him.
Jesse releases Jake's hands but the boy grabs onto one of them before he
reaches out for Winna with his right hand. Aunt and nephew embrace. I hear a
door closing behind me. Brother Mathew must have gone inside. Fr. McMillan is
standing before the door and he exchanges looks with me. I have to turn away.
My lover holds Jake's left hand between both of his while the boy sobs in
Winna's arms. He's saying something to her in a strained voice.
"... not see me before! Why?"
Jake is sobbing louder. His face is buried in Winna's bosom. She begins
stroking his head, shooing the boy to calm himself but he's really lost it.
I suppose that I would too after learning about my mother's death and only
then having family come to see me after all these years. What did Jesse Tell
his cousin? I'm surprised that Jake Heard him since my lover's ability is to
Peer into others for their thoughts and emotions when he's touching them; not
the other way around.
I'm gasping when Jes Reaches out for my strength. I resist him since we're
not alone. Fr. McMillan will see! Yet I cannot deny my lover's need and that
familiar Pulling sensation is felt in my head. My legs grow weak...
I awaken in a strange place. Its smells of disinfectant, the walls are
white and above me is a surgeon's lamp hanging off to the side. A brown face
comes into a view. It's a woman who must be a doctor or nurse. I'm sitting up
and swing my legs off the bed which earns me a scolding.
"Whoa there. Not so fast or you'll faint again."
That's when it hits me. Jesse had Taken a lot out of me this time and
I've ended up at a hospital. A quick look around the room confirms this. I'm
not wearing a shirt but with relief, see that my bundle hasn't been removed.
My head is clear. I'm feeling alright so I want to get out of this bed. The
woman's sharp eyes warn me otherwise.
"I'm Doctor Farnsworth. Stay put and let me check a few things first."
"Where am I?" She wraps something around my arm and starts pumping a black
ball. Oh. That'll give her my blood pressure. While the wrapping tightens
around my upper arm, the woman answers my question.
"You're in the school's dispensary."
That's a relief. At least I wasn't taken away in an ambulance to the local
hospital. They couldn't treat what's wrong with me. I'm wondering something.
"How long was I..."
"Nearly an hour." Doctor Farnsworth is satisfied with the blood pressure
level. She unwraps it from her patient and pulls a penlight from her pocket.
A light is shined in my eye.
"Look up. Look down. Good."
"Where is... everyone?" I was gonna say Jesse.
"Outside." Dr. Farnsworth smiles grimly. "I heard that you were driving
all night. Nothing to eat this morning. Right?"
I'm giving her a slight head nod. Relief fills me since that'll explain
why I fainted. "We were in a rush to get here. Winna hasn't ever seen her
nephew and when news came of him, well, she had to see Jake."
The doctor nods her head sadly. "That was tragic news for the boy with his
mother being murdered some five years ago and him not knowing it until now."
I gasp. "Murdered?" From the way she tightens her lips, I can tell that
nothing forthcoming will be got out of her.
"You appear to be fine now. Your shirt is over there."
I'm dropping to the floor in my socks. I grab my shirt and put it on,
noticing a bulge in the pocket. It's my watch. I'm putting it on my wrist
while noting the time - 4:26. My shoes are pulled on.
"Take it easy for a while," the doctor warns. "And get something to eat."
"I will." Before leaving the room, I'm turning back to her. "Ah, thanks."
The woman waves her right hand. The door is opened and three brown faces turn
in my direction. Winna shows relief. Jake gives me a plain expression but on
Jesse's face, I'm seeing such guilt. That aches my heart. I'm thinking of
Sending to him that I'm okay but fear stops me. He may try to Pull what
strength I have left out of me.
"Are you alright, Mike?" asks Winna.
"Yes. The doctor says I'm fatigued after our long drive here and not
eating since last night. That's... why I fainted." I'd said that for Jake's
benefit though Winna and Jes know better.
"Father McMillan has invited us to dine with him, if you're up to it."
"That sounds great. We could all use something to eat."
When Winna gets up from her chair, Jes joins her (still holding hands)
followed by Jake. He glares at me for some reason. Striding ahead, the boy
leads us down a long hall until it reaches that entryway. Brother Mathews is
still at his station.
Winna turns to her nephew. "Could you please tell Father McMillan that
we're ready." Jake nods, running off to the Headmaster's office. I can Sense
that Jesse is about to break out in tears if I don't give him a hug or say
something to put his heart at ease. I can't. We're not alone in this room.
"Are you really up to staying at the school for a while longer?" Winna
asks. "We could return to our motel."
"I'm okay. Really!" My eyes are on Jes when I've said that. My smile tries
assuring him that it's so. He peers mournfully at me. My heart is nearly
breaking for not giving him a much needed hug. For both of us! Winna notices
how we're feeling with a mother's concern showing on her face. She positions
herself behind her son. The Brother's view is blocked when I step up to Jes
and reach my right hand out to him. Both his hands grab my arm. I'm Sending
my lover that it's alright for him Pulling strength out of me and I haven't
been hurt. That brings tears to his eyes. He buries his face in my shoulder.
I dare to bring my left arm around him in a quick hug. Tears sting my eyes.
We've lost our special bond to Pass thoughts to each other but we can Share
how we're feeling. It is joyous. We really need this hug.
The tiny hairs lift at the back of my neck so I'm releasing Jesse. After
wiping my eyes dry, I see Jake timidly approaching us. Winna wasn't blocking
his view and he has seen!
We're sitting down at the dinner table. Fr. McMillan is jolly and his
uplift mood has spread to Winna and Jake who are smiling. Jesse looks down
at his plate. He's avoided eye contact with the priest every time the man has
tried to engage him in conversation. I've been avoiding Jake's gaze likewise
but for a different reason. Does he suspect?
The room we're in is connected to the refectory, near the kitchen. Rows of
boys were seated along long tables when Fr. McMillan led us through to this
private room. How they looked at us. Their curious stares and whispering. Jes
felt scared from so many boys being near him. I became scared myself. That
he'd become overwhelmed by the noisy chorus of Voices in his head but
something quieted them. I should say it was a who. Jake had noticed his
cousin's uneasiness and put his arm around him. It was like dowsing a fire
with a bucket of water. I'd Felt my lover growing calm.
Food is served by the chef himself. He's wearing a stained white apron
that bulges out from his enormous belly. Platters of fried chicken, green
beans, creamed corn and soup are laid before our table. Fr. McMillan rubs
his hands together in anticipation, thanking his chef.
We pray. The Father, Jake and myself fold our hands and look down in
silence. I was half expecting Fr. McMillan to say Grace but he doesn't. I'm
unable to come up with words to Say unto my Lord. My head is too befuddled.
When the moment passes, I see Winna lowering her head after prayer. Jesse
glances at me from across the table. I'm smiling at him.
Damn. Jake caught that and glares at me. I get the idea that he's not
liking me very much or disapproves of my relationship with his cousin. It's
as I feared. The boy has figured us out.
The next half hour passes quickly. I've eaten heartily; the fried chicken
was especially good and reminded me of my hunger that's gone unanswered since
last night. Too much had happened to notice it before. The last of my water
is drunk down. I missed not having milk with my meal since it would have
complimented the chicken. Everyone else has eaten their fill and glasses are
emptied, that is, everyone but Jesse. He's hardly touched his plate. I
didn't dare scold him across the table in front of the others. His mom tried
coaxing him to eat but it only resulted in a few bites from his chicken leg
and a spoonful of creamed corn. At least he's drunk half of his soup. Two
boys dressed in white aprons scurry around our table to carry away dishes,
cups and the serving platters. I'm hardly taking notice of them.
I sense the growing unbalance from our broken Connection. It's much more
than not being to Speak to each other. Jesse needs me and I cannot give him
my strength with the ease that we've had before. I'm feeling drained after
each episode, causing my lover to become that much more guilt ridden. He's
gonna withdraw inside himself where even I cannot Reach. The only one who
could help us is hundreds of miles away. Can Jes hold out before he sees his
grandfather again?
A thin little kid exchanges grins with Jake. I'm taken from my troubling
thoughts to study the two. The boy appears to be Indian by his dark skin and
black hair but the features to his face are all wrong. Jake helps him pile up
the dishes in his small hands. The way the two boys look at each other proves
that they're good friends. Maybe more.
"Don't forget the spoons, Charlie." Jake stacks them in the uppermost bowl
set over a pile of plates.
There's an awful moment when the kid nearly drops everything. He's loaded
up more dishes than he can handle but Jake comes to the rescue. The upper
stack is lifted off by him. He sets them down on the table.
"Thanks," mutters Charlie. He walks out of the room with his arms full.
Next to Jake, I notice the way Winna is looking at Fr. McMillan. There's a
serious expression on her face like she wants to talk alone with him about
something important. The man notices. His gaze falls upon Jake, Jesse and
myself. The two boys are finishing clearing the table.
"There's a garden outside," says Fr. McMillan. "The sun is just about at
the right position to show you something wondrous at the fountain. Jake. Why
don't you go show them?"
"Yes, Father."
Jake obviously knows what the man is talking about. He gets up from his
chair and leads us through a side door I'd thought was a tall window. Winna
remains in her seat.
I'm last to leave the room. My backwards glance at Winna confirms what I
suspected. She wants to be ensured that we won't be returning anytime soon
and I'm nodding in understanding to her unspoken plea. The glass door is
closed behind me. I catch up with Jake and Jesse who are walking through a
garden filled with flowers and ornamental plants. There's the sound of
splashing water heard in the distance. That's where Jake is headed.
After a bend in the cobbled path, we come upon the fountain. A life sized
Jesus stands in a large pool or actually, his feet appear to be walking on
the water. A delicate waterfall drops from his cupped hands. Jake looks back
over his head at the sun. Then he's positioning himself just so before Jesus
with a brief bowing of his head. The boy looks at the waterfall.
"Come stand before me if you want to see a wondrous sight!"
He was talking to Jes. My lover steps in front of Jake who reaches down to
his hips, pulling him backwards a little to where he was standing. There's a
long silent moment when Jesse looks at the waterfall.
"Wow. I see it!"
I'm Feeling the awe in my lover as if he's witnessing a miracle. That
makes me very curious to see it for myself. I stand at their side and look.
Nothing. Jake lifts his hands to Jesse's shoulders to keep him standing
there. When I step closer to them, the boy gives me a warning glare. His eyes
turn green. I'm feeling struck as if from a tomahawk blow but without the
physicality from it. That has me gasping.
"Stop, Jake. That's not polite," Jesse scolds.
"What... isn't?"
Jes covers his cousin's hands with his own. I'm released from Jake's eyes
that were attacking me. Perhaps that's too strong a word but I think I
understand now. He was trying to Glean me. I've lost that ability but there's
still Power in me to block it from others like when Brings Wood tried it on
me during her daughter's interview.
"Why are you so angry at Mike?"
"I'm not," snaps Jake. He pulls his hands from Jesse's shoulders and
stalks back towards the refectory.
I can't allow the boy to return. Winna needs more time to speak with
Fr. McMillan so I'm running to catch up with Jake. He's nearly there. That
forces me to grab his arm to stop him.
"Hey. Let me go!"
Jake angrily turns towards me when I don't. It seems like he's ready to
fight so I'm releasing his arm. "You shouldn't go back yet."
"Why not?" Jake demands. "I don't have to do anything you want."
The boy looks past me at Jesse who's come to stand at my back. Then his
eyes glare at me hard.
"Why did you come here?"
Does Jake mean the garden? No. He's asking me why I've come along with
Winna and her son to his school. "Winna's truck wasn't up to the trip. She
asked me to drive them." That gives the boy some pause. I press my advantage
by asking, "Didn't you notice that your aunt wanted to speak with Father
McMillan alone? That's why he asked you to take us into the garden." The boy
shakes his head back and forth.
"No. The Father wanted me to show you the fountain. I did."
In a low voice, "You didn't give me a chance to see it."
"Please, Jake. I want Mike to see its wonder too."
The boy's fierce expression fades when he peers at Jesse. After a sharp
exhale of breath, he walks past us back to the fountain. I chase after my
lover who has ran to catch up with his cousin.
"Stand there," says Jake. He points down at the marked spot on the stone.
I notice the painted sun emblem and stand over it. When I look at the
waterfall, I'm not seeing anything.
"Bow your head and pray for a moment," says Jake. "Maybe Christ will
forgive you."
That earns the boy a sharp look from me. I can see in his eyes that he
disapproves of my love for his cousin. No. He's thinking that I'm using
Jesse for sex by taking advantage of his autism. I'm not Gleaning that
from Jake but read it from the sneer on his face.
I look back upon Christ and utter old Siksika words along with hand
gesturing. "Oh, Father! Please bring understanding to this boy and grant me
patience with him until he does. You know that my love for Jes-ee-ah is a
good thing. It fills my heart!" My hands drop to my sides. I silently mouth
my next prayer in English. 'I do ask for Your forgiveness, oh Lord! What I
have done in anger yesterday to offend You deserves punishment but should it
fall upon my lover as well? I'll be sacrificing myself on Monday to protect
him from shame. Is that not enough!'
I'm opening my eyes. The waterfall from Christ's Hands hasn't changed.
Utter despair falls upon my heart and I fall to His feet standing on top of
the water in the pool. My hands sink into the depths, soaking my shirt
sleeves and the front of me.
"Mike!"
Jesse struggles to pull me out. Stronger hands pull on my waist until
I'm sitting over the cobble stones. They both look at me, stunned by what
I've done. I close my eyes to hide the tears in them. I have not been
forgiven. This punishment is more than I can bear because it's included
Jesse whom I love more than life!
"I'm really sorry for what I said, Mike. Who am I to say that you need
Christ's forgiveness?"
Jake's words startle me from my woe. It gets me thinking. Jesse said that
our Father wasn't angry at me nor that spirit dwelling inside us. He said
that it's me who is angry. At myself. When I've found myself again, to be
more than just Mike... That's when our Connection will return.
A revelation comes upon me. I had wished not having found the tribe's
bundle thinking that Jes and I could have done without its power. I was
wrong. I'm getting to my feet. My plea goes inwards to Ask myself for
forgiveness and release that terrible anger of self. I love Jesse! I must
also love myself, who I've become by following the path at his side and not
allow anything to get in our way! That means not surrendering on Monday to
Mr. Benton. That's what Mike thought he should do. Short Hair wouldn't. He'd
wield his Power like a weapon and fight the Darkness any way he could.
I'm facing the fountain and announce in a strong voice, "I am Short Hair."
The waterfall spilling from Christ's Hands flash with points of golden Light.
Such a wondrous sight! I'm laughing out loud and feel a release from the
anger drowning my spirit. Jesse's thoughts fill my head. He cries out in joy
and I join him! Our special bond is restored. We are Connected!
I'm turning to my lover and he jumps onto me. Our arms rush around each
other. Joy! Oh, great joy! My left hand falls down Jesse's back to hold his
rear end to support his weight on me. We kiss. There's a Sense that Jake is
trying to Glean what's going on. I Open myself to him. In this way, the boy
will understand and Share in our happiness.
:I have missed you, Short Hair!: Sends Jesse.
:Me too. I won't ever leave you again!: Our hearts soar like a pair of
mated eagles into the sky. We're Joined by another. A brother to us who
shares our spirit though he knows it not. :Do you See Jake as I do?:
:Yes, love. The boy hasn't found himself but we will help him. Don't say
anything about it for now.:
We squeeze each other tight and after another kiss, I lower Jes back down.
He turns to his cousin.
"Jake. I would like to introduce you to my lover, Short Hair."
"Your... lover?"
Jesse nods. "I know that you've been thinking badly of him but it's wrong
and I forgive you." He offers Jake to shake hands on it.
When the boy does, I see his eyes glowing green and awe fills his face.
He Looks at me. I'm Opening myself to him. Understanding finally comes to
Jake who offers to shake hands with me. I do so with a grin. Jesse hugs me
from behind with his right hand coming around ours. :Hi, Jake.:
"I Hear you in my head!"
:And me too,: Sends Jesse. :I Reached out to you after you ran away from
my mother. It wasn't in words you could Hear.:
"I Felt you though," says Jake. "That helped calm me down."
A worried expression comes over the boy's face. He pulls from our hands.
"Can you... Hear my thoughts?"
I know what's troubling Jake. "No. You're blocking them from us. Jesse
and I Share a special bond that's only now come back to us." I'm fondly
looking back at the fountain.
"What do you mean?"
"A Power was granted us," explains Jesse. "My lover here..." punching him
in the arm, "messed things up yesterday for being a dumb White skin but all
is forgiven."
I've noticed Jesse's emphasis on that last word. "Yeah. I can be a real
dumb fuck sometimes." We're laughing and Jake joins in.
"I'm still not sure what's going on."
Jesse sighs. "I know, cousin. We'll explain everything later but for now,
I must ask you not to tell anyone about it." He flares his eyes.
"Okay..."
"I mean it, Jake! You are family so that's why we're sharing our secret
with you. And I don't mean about us being lovers."
"I'm not going to tell anyone that you two can, ah... do telepathy or
whatever it's called. No one would believe me if I did."
"Please don't even try, Jake."
"Does your mother know?"
Jesse nods. "Mike has already moved into the house and with her blessing,
he's sleeping in my bed with me."
"Really?" Jake is stunned. "What about the telepathy stuff?"
"Yes. She knows all about that, too. There are others in our family who
have that Power." A sly grin forms on Jesse's lips. "You do."
"What?" gasps Jake.
"Your eyes glow green when your Power manifests itself. Didn't anyone
notice that?"
"I was told that I have 'mood ring' eyes. What Power?"
"It's an ability I also have to Glean things from people," I explain. "We
can know things about someone just by looking at them." That makes Jake
nervous so I'm adding, "Unless they block that like you are."
"You can't... Glean things from me?" asks Jake.
"That's right. When you glared at me earlier at the fountain for standing
too close, I'd Felt you trying to Glean me but I blocked it."
"That's not a polite thing to do," says Jesse.
Jake grows wide in the eyes. He's remembering my lover scolding him.
"Let's get back," says Jesse. "I'm really hungry now."
I think enough time has passed for Winna to have had her private talk with
Fr. McMillan. My lover says he's hungry. Those are sweet words to my ears!
The three of us run down the cobbled stones like a wolf pack. After knocking
on the glass door in warning of our return, we enter the dining room.
"Did you witness the miracle of Christ?" asks Fr. McMillan, smiling.
All three of us are nodding. It was more of a miracle than he supposed.
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