Date: Fri, 1 Jan 2010 16:56:24 -0800 (PST)
From: Peder Pederson <pederdagreat@yahoo.com>
Subject: the story "Why?"   chapter  IV

Chapter IV
An Almost Commitment


	I received my Master's degree in Clinical Psychology. I really
wasn't interested in staring up a practice or working in a clinic. Instead
I took a position in a large firm in Indianapolis, Bassingers, Inc., in
their personnel department as their resident counsellor. Counselling and
clinical psychology are not that far afield.
	Indy wasn't too big--about the max for me. I soon found a decent
apartment on the northwest side of town--easy access to the freeway and my
work. Actually was told about the place by the assistant director of
personnel. He had an apartment in the same complex.
	So, I soon settled in. Work kept me busy, more so than I thought it
would, but I didn't mind. My social life wasn't what you would call active,
but I wasn't complaining.


	Got a call from Ty--we always kept in contact--to tell me he was
coming to Indy for a couple of days--business and personal.
	Asked him if he needed a place to crash, but, he said that he was
staying with relatives while there, but we sure would meet. It would be
good to see him again. Hadn't seen him for about a year and a half at that
point.
	We met twice, once or lunch and the second time for dinner. He
hadn't changed much--a bit mellower--but, that was relative. He had married
and was the father of a beautiful girl! He was so proud and the child was
beautiful.
	I would have liked some private time with him--he wasn't avoiding
it--but his schedule was too tight. The second time we met--for dinner--he
brought with him his cousin, Catherine. Don't know if he was match makin,
but she was a lovely, intelligent, assertive young attorney, and we hit it
off.
	As we parted that night, Ty said slyly, "Careful man, she's a
tiger!"
	"Like her cousin?" I jibed.
	"Hah!" was all he said as he punched my arm playfully.
	Catherine and I had exchanged numbers and met the next week for
dinner. Things progressed rather rapidly and we were soon . . . lovers, of
sorts.
	Catherine was as accomplished as Delphine had been. The difference
was that by then I too had attained a degree of technical proficiency--in
bed! One of the things that I really loved about her was her complete lack
of cover-up! Catherine was totally open! She was incredibly verbal while
making love--that was always a turn on for me--and she wasn't afraid to
experiment.
	She also had a biting sense of humor as well. Several times, while
making love, she would blurt out something crazy and we both would be
consumed with gales of laughter. Of course that would frequently cause my
cock to deflate.
	At that time she would say, "What's the matter? White boy can't
keep it up?"
	Of course I would quickly rise to the occasion and retort, "Mmmm!
As good as any of your black studs!" At which time I would fuck her
vigorously. She loved that! Come to think of it, I loved it too!
	However, there was one thing that affected me from time to time!
She was insatiable! But, I had developed into a cunnilingus expert--of
sorts--and fifteen or twenty minutes of my agile tongue would reduced her a
quivering mass! That usually kept her quiet 'til the next day!
	I remember the time she brought a dildo over. She had entered my
apartment, gave me the usual kiss and disappeared into my bedroom. I
entered a few minutes later to find her, naked, spread-eagled on my bed
slipping the pink toy in and out of her pussy! She had the most devilish
smirk!
	I ripped my clothes, bounded on the bed and said, "I can do that
better!" I did!
	Later as we lay there she got aroused again and pretended she was
going to shove that thing up my ass! Now, it wasn't one of those obscenely
big ones--just normal.
	I had teased her, "Couldn't you find a black one big enough?"
	She chortled and replied, "Sure, but I didn't want to give you an
inferiority complex!?
	"Does this look inferior?" I demanded as I clutched my hard cock!
	She smiled, "Not to me!" and she added, "You want to feel it?"
	"Not particularly," I answered.
	"Come on, Brad! Let me slip it in!"

	Now we had talked about a lot of things over the weeks. As I said,
Catherine was incredibly open. We had talked about the former
lovers--making the obvious comparisons. She had once told me that she had
participated in several same-sex get-togethers. I admitted the same
thing. We both were non-judgemental about these experiences. Of course, I
used no names, neither did she. If she were aware of Ty's bisexuality, she
never let on, nor did I!
	I had even told her about the Dane experience and the later
experience with the Prof. She quietly asked various questions about my
feelings and sensations--nothing lascivious in her questioning. I did the
same. We had come to understand, and appreciate each other.

	Then she bent over and began to suck my cock! She was a true
virtuoso! At the same time she slathered my ass with KY and began to finger
me! Early on, she found that action really got me hot! I was moaning and
telling her how good she made me feel.
	Then I felt the dildo being brought to bear. I was so hot by then,
I didn't care. Slowly she inserted it and continued to suck me as she
toy-fucked my ass!
	"Oh, gawd! Catherine!" I yelled as she shoved that thing deeper and
deeper.
	She expertly manipulated that thing in my ass! Popping off my cock
she asked, "You rather I had a cock than a pussy?"
	I sat up, grabbed the dildo, threw it across the room, rolled her
onto her back and slid my cock into her hot cunt! She loved to be fucked
that way! Gotta say, that time we fucked--fucked like animals. Guess I
answered that question!

	Don't know what happened. We enjoyed many of the same things,
talked a lot, made love a lot. But . . . after a year and a half things
kinda went stale. There were no fights, no recriminations--but we
parted. We still talk to each other. But lovers? No more! We have even
talked about the reason for the parting--to no avail. Guess it was just not
to be!


	A year later, I was in a local pub, The Shamrock--on the way
home--and Jess Elliot, the assistant director of personnel who lives in the
same complex was there too. I had a quick beer and went to the john, took
the end urinal and was pissing when this guy came in and went to the middle
one. He stood away from the urinal, flopped out his dong--I mean FLOPPED IT
OUT, it was record-breakingly long, and soft--and pissed. I tried not to
stare, but . . . . damn!
	Jess came in before either of us were finished and stood at the
other end! Could hear him pissing!
	I finished first, Washed my hands and went back to the bar! A
minute later Jess returned and took his stool, next to mine!
	"Damn!" he exploded. "Did you see that guy?"
	"Yeah," I admitted, and added, "Pretty impressive!"
	"Impressive? Impressive! Hell it was . . . a monster!"

	We both laughed. Guys generally scope out the competition at the
johns, generally pretty discretely! But, this guy was worth a second
glance--just to confirm that it wasn't an illusion or a hallucination!

	"Bet his wife gets worn out easily with that thing," I commented
with a snort.
	"Yeah! If he has a woman!" Jess commented.
	Now I wondered what he meant by that? He had a habit of making open
ended comments. Then I merely thought, "Strange comment."
	A minute or so later, 'Hose'--the name Jess baptized him
with--re-entered and sat at the other end of the bar. Both Jess and I
glanced at him. He smiled and nodded--a friendly nod.

	Over the two years or so that I had worked at Bassingers, Jess had
made a few comments that I though could be taken two ways. Nothing I could
put my finger on then. Actually I had merely put them aside, but now I can
see that there was a pattern. Discrete, but a pattern nonetheless.

	I was a week later at the Shamrock, a Friday that I stopped in. The
week had been particularly chaotic and Friday was a doozie! I decided to
forego my usual beer and ordered a double Chopin Martini. I was on my
second one when Jess walked in!
	"See you're hitting it heavy tonight," he commented lightly.
	"Yeah . . . a rough week . . . a rougher Friday!"
	"Happens . . . "
	"Mmmm, glad not too often though!"
	I was finishing my second drink and Jess was half way through his
first when the bartender set two fresh drinks in front of us. "Compliments
of the guy at the table over there," he said with a nod to the left.
	Both Jess and I turned. There sat 'Hose!' He smiled and nodded a
greeting. I nodded back and turned back to the bar.
	"You know him?" Jess asked.
	"No, I was just going to ask you the same question." I was a bit
incredulous.
	"Mmmm! Strange,"
	"Or . . . friendly," I offered.
	We ordered some 'nachos' and continued to talk about the
week. Needed something in my stomach. I gingerly sipped my third drink as I
said to myself, "Be careful!" Two were generally my limit. I had a short
drive, but also knew the police were usually out in force patrolling Friday
and Saturday nights. They were notorious, and rightly so, in their
D.W.I. arrests. "Be careful!"
	A few minutes went by and I felt the call of nature. Quickly went
the the john and started to piss. Someone entered the room shortly after
me. It was 'Hose!' But instead of taking the center urinal, he took the one
right next to me and flopped that thing out!
	Luckily I had already started to piss, so I continued my chore. But
I could see, peripherally, that he wasn't urinating. He was fondling that
impressive thing. An obvious invitation!
	I finished, zipped up my pants, stole a furtive glance at that big
cock and glanced up at 'Hose' He winked. He winked at me! Then he obviously
looked down at his growing cock. I walked to the sink, washed my hands and
left, but not without another glance in his direction. He was looking at
me, smiling and jacking his hard cock! Damn!
	Jess must have seen 'Hose' walk into the john after me, 'cause he
asked, "Anything interesting?"
	"Not really," I said dryly.
	"Mmmmm! Saw 'Hose' follow you--thought he was going to make a play
for you," he said with a smirk.
	"He did," I admitted.
	"Really?"
	"Yeah! He stood next to me and started playing with himself!"
	"Damn! Some guys get all the luck," he snorted and laughed.
	"Yeah?" I said an added with some humor, "Well if you hurry
. . . he's still in there . . . Maybe you can get lucky!"
	"Naw, don't think I could handle it!" he snorted again.
	I downed my drink a bit faster than I intended. The three Chopin
Martinis were now making me a bit light headed. The apartment was just a
few blocks away, but still . . . .
	I turned to Jess who was on his second scotch and soda and asked,
"Hey, man, would you mind taking me home? Think I shouldn't have had that
third one."
	"Sure, Brad, you wanna go now?"
	"Do you mind?" I asked.
	"Naw, I'm finished anyway. Lets go"

	As we left I told the manager that I was leaving my car in the lot
overnight. I would pick up my car in the morning. No problem there since I
had done it once before. The Shamrock would frequently call a taxi for a
patron who obviously shouldn't drive. That was a gratis service for them.
	I walked with a non-too-steady gait to Jess' car, got in, leaned
back against the headrest and was lulled into a near sleep as we drove the
few blocks to our apartment complex.
	I wasn't aware of the car stopping, or even of Jess calling my
name, but I felt his hand as he gently shook my leg--ostensibly to waken
me. Then I felt it as it moved towards my crotch. I wasn't aroused at the
time, but his movement sparked a certain swelling in my briefs. I felt the
warmth of his hand through the layers of fabric and my confined cock strove
to become erect. Then he began to knead me.

	I lifted my head, opened my eyes and asked, "Are we here?"
	Jess' hand froze, then he quickly removed it.
	I looked quizzically at him.
	"Sorry," he stammered and put both hands on the wheel.
	"Mmmm," was my only reply as I got out of the car.

	One thing I now know, alcohol either unlocks my libido, or causes
an acceptance of things sexual. It wasn't that I had developed an interest
in Jess, it wasn't from the earlier exhibition of 'Hose.' it wasn't because
my sex life had been dormant since Catherine, that I 'allowed' his
advance. I must admit it is probably because I am a passionate being by
nature. I must admit it is probably because I enjoy sex--both with men and
women. I must admit it was probably because I was a bit too high.
	The fact that Jess groped me was of some interest. I have never
categorized people knowingly. I have never been particularly interested in
a person's sexual preference. In the few years that I had known Jess, there
was never a hint of his . . . . interest, his inclination. Not that it
would have made any difference.
	We had been colleagues at Bassingers. I found him a competent, even
a concerned professional. We were not friends--that's a term I use
sparingly--but we were more than mere acquaintances. We talked frequently,
but infrequently of personal matters.

	I let myself into my apartment and immediately took off my shirt
and singlet dropping them in the entryway. I mused over Jess' actions when
there was a knock on the door. I turned, opened the door and was faced with
a concerned Jess.
	"Brad . . . . I'm sorry . . . " he stammered, and continued "I have
to tell you that. . . ." He was obviously upset.
	"Don't be . . . I'm not," I answered, trying to dispel his worry.
	He stared at me, baffled.
	"It's OK, Jess . . ." I tried to allay his concern. "Don's stand
there . . . come in."
	He stepped in, I closed the door.
	"I don't know why I did that!"
	"Of course you do," I said to myself, and then added, out loud,
"Really?"

	I was later to find out that part of Jess' concern was that if I
violently objected, it could affect his position with
Bassingers. Bassingers was an equal opportunity employer and accepted
employees who had same sex unions. However, they were adamantly opposed to
unwanted or inappropriate sexual advances or harassment.

	"I'm sorry . . . " he chocked out again.
	Again, I answered, "I'm not."
	He appeared incredulous, baffled and in emotional turmoil--even
agony! I stepped up to him and enfolded him in my arms and hugged him. I
did so merely to help allay his concern. The fact that I was bare chested
at that point added to my action. He gasped.
	Then, softly I said, "Jess, I'm not sorry . . . because
. . . because . . . your hand felt good!"

	Well, that statement opened the flood gates. Jess confessed that he
had had a crush on me since I started at Bassingers. But, my association
with Catherine and my ignoring of most of his pointed remarks convinced him
that I was totally hetero.
	His obvious distress coupled with his open confession filled me
with warmth. I must admit that in those few moments my appreciation of Jess
had shifted.

	Then I pulled back and kissed him lightly . . . on the lips.
	"Umph," he groaned in disbelief.
	Then he lifted his arms which until that point merely hung, limply
at his side, wrapped them around my chest and kissed me. Not as lightly as
I had done, but not a probing one either.
	He pulled back and I smiled at him and said, "See?"
	We kissed again, long, probing and passionate. We pulled away,
breathless. I guess I had communicated all that he had wanted as Jess sunk
to his knees, undid my pants and in one easy, practiced movement slid my
pants and briefs down to my ankles and sucked my half-hard cock into his
mouth!
	"Ahhh!" I groaned as he began to give me a frenetic suck-job! I
thrust my hips forward and just stood there, looking down as my cock
appeared and disappeared into his bobbing lips!
	Usually I'm not a passive participant. But, this time I was. Maybe
it was the alcohol, but I gained as much pleasure from watching as I did
from the feel of his hot, moist mouth.
	Again, "Ahhh!" and, again! Damn! It was so nice! I was quickly
approaching the edge of release. Then I pulled out of his suctioning,
pistoning mouth, reached down, stepped out of my pants and briefs, lifted
Jess up and stated, "Come on!" I led the way to my bedroom.
	"Strip," I demanded and Jess quickly complied. I laid on the bed an
he soon joined me. We kissed, again long and probing before we torqued out
bodies and ended in the desired soixante-neuf position.

	Jess was about my height and build--in every way. Unlike Ty and the
Prof, Jess was circumcised. He had a large, flaring, mushroom-like
cock-head--in truth, he was a real mouthful! He obviously worked out as his
body was firm and taunt. He possessed a light dusting of hair across his
chest, belly and a real bush 'round his cock, as well as hairy legs and a
fuzzy butt.
	Jess was unique, in a way. There was nothing about him physically
that could be described as 'outstanding.' But the sum of his bodily parts
coupled with his quick mind, wit and conscientiousness produced quite a
positive package! I guess that's what really attracted me to him.

	We sucked avidly for long minutes. Suddenly, Jess lifted of me,
turned and sat on the bed facing at me. His countenance was serious and
there was a degree of concern in his eyes.
	"When was the last time you had a blood test?" he asked in a low,
direct voice.
	"Last month, " I answered. We had yearly physicals at Bassingers--a
requirement--and complete blood work was done. Then it dawned on me! "Oh! I
am negative!"
	Obvious relief spread across his face. Then in hurried phrases,
"Oh, Good . . . . I needed to know . . . . I am too . . . . " then the
declaration, "I want you to fuck me, Brad . . . . I want to feel you cum in
me . . . ."
	I smiled broadly. "Damn! For a slow starter . . . . You sure move
to the chase without hesitation!"
	He smiled too. "But, you don't know . . . . I had wanted this for
so long . . . . I just can't wait!"
	I sat up, took his face in my hands, and kissed him. Then I gently
laid him back onto the bed, reached into my bedside able and extracted a
used tube of KY. Slowly I moved between his legs as I gazed into his
smiling face. I bent down and returned to sucking his cock.
	"Ahhhh!" he gasped, partly in expectation.
	As I sucked his cock, I deposited a dollop of lube on my fingers
and slathered it over his tight, puckered hole.
	"Ahhhh!"
	Still sucking him, I slipped a finger, gently in.
	"Oh! Gawd!" he gasped in pleasure as he spread his legs further,
flexed his knees and rolled his hips upward.
	I began to slowly finger-fuck his tight hole.
	"Oh, Damn!That feels so good!" he breathed.
	Deeper and deeper, faster and faster my finger probed. I lifted off
his cock, grabbed a pillow and forced it under his hips--raising his
ass. Carefully, I inserted another finger and continued my movement.
	"Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!" as I probed again and again.
	Glancing up to his face and down to watch my fingers disappearing
into his hot fuck-tunnel, I revealed in both the feel and the sight.
	"Your ass is so tight . . . and hot, Jess!"
	"Oh! Gawd! Brad . . . . I want you!"
	"Mmmmm! You want my hard cock in ur hole?"
	"Oh, yes! Do it, Brad . . . . Fuck me now!"
	I removed my fucking fingers from his relaxing hole, squeezed more
KY on them and covered my throbbing cock. I crabbed up between his raised
and spread thighs, took my hard dick and rubbed my reddened, swollen
cock-head against his hole.
	"Oh! Gawd! DO IT!" he almost shouted.
	I pressed against his sphincter--simultaneously Jess bore
down. Suddenly his muscled gate gave way and my head popped in!
	"Ahhhh!" we both groaned from that delicious sensation of primary
entry!
	I held that position for a few moments 'til I felt him bearing down
again. I slid in further and waited and finally slid all the way up his
steamy fuck-tunnel. Slowly I began to slide in and out. My gaze shifted
from his pleasure glazed eyes to my cock as it pushed in and withdrew from
Jess' tight ass. I marvelled as my cock fucked that stretched hole!

	As I look back now--that was a truly memorable fuck! Twice I
approached the brink of release and stopped--taking deep breaths--composing
myself--preparing for another onslaught! We bother were verbal and deep,
heartfelt groans punctuated our sport. The third time I approached release
I was about to back off when Jess' sphincter began to spasm.

	"Oh, My Gawd! I'm CUUMMIIIING!" he screamed.

	And, indeed, he was! I had heard of spontaneous
ejaculations--ejaculating with out physical contact with the cock. Jess had
not been playing with his cock as I fucked him, neither had I. As he made
that pronouncement, I looked down and say a river of cum spew from his
cock. And, the was his spasming ass-hole.

	"Argh, Arghhh. ARGHHH!" I yelled as I was catapulted over the
edge. My orgasm was so strong, so violent that it left me breathless.
	Jess was moaning in the delight of our mutual release!
	I fell forward onto his chest. His legs encircled my waist and held
me firm--imbedded. We kissed softly.
	Thus locked we rolled to our sides and fell asleep!

	To use the common vernacular, I guess I could be pigeonholed as a
'versatile top.' Jess was too! His desires that first night and his
automatic release had fostered several sessions in which he assumed the
passive role. 'Passive' is not really accurate term in describing Jess in
any sexual role he assumes. However, for the first three or four times we
made love, Jess wanted me to fuck him.
	Then came the night when the roles were reversed. He knew of my
high school experience, and, I must say, he was as gentle as he was
understanding. Jess was an accomplished lover, at least I found him so. But
then, when two people are as attuned as we were, one would assume as
much. We soon knew those private places and/or touches which brought
maximum sensations, and we utilized that knowledge in various ways. So,
when hat night came, I was prepared physically and emotionally.
	Nonetheless, I had some trepidation. Jess was fairly well endowed,
more so than George. I must admit I was a bit anxious. We had spent a long
time in foreplay, which we both enjoyed.

	Then he suggested, "Sit . . . on my cock," as he rolled onto his
back.
	I looked at that substantial erection. I must admit, the thought
had crossed my mind a few times in that past week.
	"Are you afraid?" he asked concerned.
	"No," I answered in a half lie!

	He had been fingering me while we were sixty-nining--I loved
that. So I was somewhat prepared. I reached for the KY, slathered his rigid
throbbing pole with a liberal amount and also anointed by quivering hole.
	Slowly, I straddled his hips, reached around, grasped his throbbing
dick and lowered myself 'til I was in contact with his cock-head. I took
several deep breaths--a technique George taught me--and lowered myself a
bit further. There was a pressure against my sphinctered hole. I fought to
relax--then his head popped in!

	"Ahhh!" I gasped.
	"You all right?"
	"Yeah . . . I am."

	Well that was not altogether true. Jess was bigger than George and
the invasion, although not unexpected, was considerable--at least, in my
book. I fought the discomfort, took another deep breath, tried to relax and
bore down further.

	"Damn!" Jess gasped.
	"What?"
	"It feels so good!"
	"Yeah, it does." My discomfort had slackened considerably. I sat
down all the way--feeling it slide in 'til my balls nestled in his
cock-hairs.
	"Mmmmm!" I moaned.
	"Damn, Brad," he declared, "I never thought I would be doing this
with you."
	I was now completely accustomed to Jess' cock in me. A warm
sensation infused my being.
	"Why?"
	I was impaled!
	He smiled. "Well . . . " he began, "I thought . . . you would be
too . . . macho to let me fuck you."
	"What gave you that idea?" I queried.
	He grinned, "Well . . . you were so fantastic so far . . . . fuckin
me . . . so accomplished . . . I never thought you would ever bottom. And,
besides you were . . . pretty thick with Catherine."
	I smiled. I let the Catherine reference slip by, but stated, "Macho
and bottoming are not mutually exclusive!"
	I began to raise and lower my self on his turgid tool with more and
more force.
	"Yeah . . . " he answered, quietly concentrating, "I see that
. . . now!"


	What ever compunction I may have had about a cock in my ass, was
initially modified by George. It was completely neutralized by Jess!
	I learned to enjoy that part of my sexuality--even yearn for it
from time to time. As our relationship progressed, I tended to be the
initiator, the top more than Jess. That is not to say that he was never the
aggressor! But, it just worked out that way to our mutual satisfaction and
delight.
	In the job, in my social life, I tended to be more forward, more
assertive. On the other hand, Jess tended to be more laid back. Don't get
me wrong, Jess was not 'queenie' in the least! Just . . . laid back. When
he was the initiator--he propelled me through a phenomenal maze of
delight. I would be breathless!
	As our relationship progressed, we got together not just on
weekends, but more and more during the week as well. We joined at either
his apartment or mine--which ever seemed most convenient at the time.


	But there was one time that we didn't make it to the apartment. We
had decided to spend the weekend at one of the state parks, The Run. It had
a small hotel, adequate dining room and miles of trails in some of the most
spectacular scenery in Indiana. Late Saturday afternoon, we decided to take
a trail the led through the woods, a deep ravine and over some impressive
rock formations.
	At one point Jess was leading the way. We both were wearing walking
shorts and polo shirts. As he walked in front of me, I couldn't help but
gaze at his firm, muscular ass and we labored along. At one point I reached
and cupped his buns--they were so inviting!

	"Careful, man!" he commented, "You may get more than you bargained
for," and he chuckled as he stopped.
	"Mmmmm! And what might that be?" I continued to fondle his buns.
	He turned and kissed me deeply and dropped his hand to my crotch!

	There, deep in the woods, in the shelter of the boulders we
kissed. Within seconds, things began to spiral out-of-control. He unzipped
my shorts, knelt and soon had my cock in his mouth!

	"Ahhhh!" I moaned. He was fantastic. Soon my hips began to probe
forwards and backwards as I fucked his mouth. Then he pulled off.
	"I want you, Brad!"
	"I want you, Jess!"
	"I want you . . . . now . . . ." Then he added, hoarsely, "In my
ass!"
	I wanted him too!
	"Let's go back," I suggested.
	"NO! . . . . I want you NOW!" That said, he stood up, dropped his
shorts, turned and bent over. He deposited a dollop of saliva on his
fingers and rubbed it on his tight, quivering hole.

	Now, I have never had sex out-of-doors up to that time with a
guy--had a few times with Delphine. I'm not especially prudish! I have
always looked up sex as a natural response. But, I too have felt that it
was a private thing between two people. With his appealing ass, bared and
offered, the temptation was too much. I grasped his hips, stepped forward
and slid my already wet cock into his tight hole.
	It was glorious! Maybe it was the out-of-doors! Maybe it was the
smell of the pine and the must of the forest! Maybe it was simply the
unique locale.
	I began to fuck him deeper and faster. I lost control and became a
pistoning machine! I loved to look down and watch my swollen cock slide in
and out his tight hole. I loved the way that muscled opening stretched
outward as I drew back--stretched wide.
	I watched as my cock-head slipped out, his hole snapping shut and
the incredible sensation as I popped it back in again. I would repeat that
action three or four times . . . . pop . . . pop . . . pop, and then plunge
all the way in. It was glorious. I knew Jess loved that procedure too as he
always groaned loudly and urged me on!
	Jess also had incredible control over his ass muscles. Those times
when I popped my cock-head in, he would constrict his muscle causing cosmic
surges to run through me. And, when I shot off deep in him and remained,
his ass would spasm as he came too. On those times he did not cum he could
perform the same tremulous sensations . . . those contractions.
	Jess was truly marvellous in bed. And, I now know that we raised
each other to flaming heights through our mutual passion. We both grew in
that respect.

	"Arghhh!" I groaned as I finally shot my pearly discharge deep in
him.
	Impaled and impaling--we stood for a short time, thus joined. Then
Jess Stepped away, turned and gave me one of the sweetest kisses.
	"That was . . . awesome," he stated.
	"Yeah," I replied, then added, "You cum?"
	"Nope," came the simple reply and a smile. Then he added, "But I
will later . . . I promise!" That said, he winked and pulled up his
shorts. I followed suit.

	I was not to know 'til much later, that our coupling there midst
the boulders and pines was not completely private, or unobserved. We had,
inadvertently, been watched.
	That evening, as we were finishing our dinner and sipping a cup of
coffee, I glanced past Jess. Behind him, sitting at a table alone was this
guy. He winked and smiled. I quickly glanced away.
	"Wonder who he is?" I thought! "Was he trying to pick me or us up?"
I mused. "Naw," I answered myself, "Just a friendly guy." However, I
avoided any more eye contact.
	That night, Jess made good his promise. I had learned, by degrees
to enjoy anal sex. However, I always needed adequate emotional and physical
preparation. He prepared me and drilled me with passion. It was memorable!
I had been suitably primed.
	I remember one time, Jess came into the shower with me and started
to probe my ass cheeks with his considerable erection. Old visions, relicts
returned and I told him sharply to stop. Later, I explained and Jess
understood. I was not to be taken in that manner!


	A month or so after our excursion to The Run, on a quiet weekend
together, Jess said, "Ya know, we have been spending so much time together
lately--either at my apartment or here--we should consider combining
households. What do you think?"
	To say the least, I was not prepared for that suggestion. I had
enjoyed, even depended upon Jess' being there . . . . but . . . !
	"You mean move in together?"
	"Yeah . . . . makes sense! Doesn't it?"
	"Mmmmm," was my only reply.

	To say that I had no feeling for Jess was untrue. To say that I had
not developed an attachment was also untrue. But, to say that I had
developed a yearning to formalize our . . . association by moving in
together was further untrue.
	Inwardly, I panicked.

	"You don't seem too keen . . . about my suggestion!" He observed,
	That was true.
	"It's just that I haven't considered it."
	"Do you want to consider it?"
	"I don't know."

	I didn't mean to be evasive at the time. Yet I was. I could see
that it hurt Jess.
	Weeks before, after a particularly romantic evening and a
passionate coupling, we lay in each other's arms. At that time Jess
declared that he thought that he was falling in love with me. I found his
declaration warming. But, it brought back memories of Catherine stating the
same sentiment. How I panicked then.
	'Til that time, I had never told anyone that I loved them. To me
such a declaration was tantamount to a commitment. Or, at least, inferred a
commitment.
	I had felt that too many people said, "I love you," too
casually--often in the heat of passion, when their juices were boiling! I
remember, one of my college amorata stated, "I love you," when she really
should have declared, "I love how you fuck me!" To say, "I love you," ought
not to be bandied about so flippantly.

	"Brad, can I ask you a question?"
	"Of course," I answered, dreading the question.
	Jess looked me straight in the eye and asked quietly, "Do you love
me?"
	I should have known! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! Still, I was not prepared
to answer. I looked at him and almost sotto voce stated, "I don't know."
	The look in Jess' eyes cut me to the quick. His eyes moistened.
	Then, as if to quell the tide, I stated, "You must know the I'm
. . . . very fond of you."

	Damn! That was probably the most stupid thing I had ever said!
Fond! Fond? What the hell does that mean? I'm fond of french fries! I was
fond of the old collie I had as a kid. I am fond of a juicy, rare steak!

	Then quickly, "That's not true . . . the 'fond' thing. Jess
. . . . you have come to be an important part of my life that I really
cherish!"

	Ah! Shit! Did I love him? I suppose I did, but for some
unexplainable reason, I could not verbalize it. I look back on that
evening, those months past, and regret my inability to come to grips with
my emotions--my life at that time.

	He laid back, I turned off the bedside light and it was a long time
before I went to sleep.


	Three weeks after that night, while Jeff and I were at lunch, he
said, "Brad, I have something to tell you."

	I braced myself. Our life together had been . . . . strained since
that evening. We came together regularly, but much of the verve that we had
experienced earlier was missing.

	"I have been offered a position with Bassingers, Seattle branch,
and have decided to accept."
	"Oh!" was my only reply.

	I was dismayed. The thought of Jess leaving hit me like a ton of
bricks! Already, I felt deprived of an important segment of my being. Yet,
I understood his action. My inability to confirm what I now know was
unacceptable to him.
	Jess was not a possessive person. He was not demanding. He was not
a vindictive man. But, he had a degree of pride and self respect. I suspect
that he felt that to continue in our relationship with his declared
feelings might have been futile. He wasn't prepared to be a mere
fuck-buddy!
	Jess was to come over to my place that night. I took special pains
in getting those special things I knew he liked for dinner . . . . even two
bottles of wine, rather than the usual one. Later, as I enfolded him in my
arms, I spared nothing in arousing him and even yearned for him to enter
me. He did, gently, passionately in long sweeping movements.
	As I lay on my back, legs wrapped around his waist, I experienced a
singular orgasm. From his movements and groans, I could tell he did
too. There in the half light, unaccustomed tears rolled down my cheeks.

	Clutching him to me, I said, "I'm missing you already." My voice
broke and quiet sobs wracked my body. I could feel the same reaction in
him. We held each other for long minutes. We melded in ways not experienced
before. Why?


	The evening before he left he came over. We did not make love. Our
mood would have precluded any passion. However, at one point during the
evening of quiet conversation Jess declared, "Brad, my sweet man . . . .
you must . . . recognize the fact . . . that . . . you have trouble
admitting your feelings . . . . trouble committing."
	"Yeah, I know."

	The fact was I didn't know! But, his statement cut to the heart of
things. I wanted to say, "Jess, I think I love you! Don't go!" But, that
would have been wrong at that point--intolerable, petty and self serving.
Why?