Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 12:36:46 -0500
From: Silent Kid <silentkid@angelfire.com>
Subject: affirmation 10

Affirmation, Part 10

Hi everyone, thanks to all who wrote me on the last chapter.  I really
appreciate all your comments and encouragement.  It certainly inspired me
to write more.  This chapter focuses more on the Boyzone storyline, so
hopefully some questions will be cleared up.  Please do write me as I love
to know what you are thinking and also who's reading.  And, a quick plug
for my other stories You Needed Me and This Boyz Life which I am co-writing
with Scott.  Thanks, Amber silentkid@angelfire.com

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction depicting homosexual relationships.
It should not be read by anyone under 18.  The sexuality of the people
portrayed such as Darren Hayes, Robbie Williams, members of Boyzone, and J
from Five does not necessarily reflect their actual lives.

Note:  Bent is by Matchbox 20, or Twenty as they now prefer to be called.

----------

When Darren awoke, he was floating.  He closed his eyes to try this wake up
thing again.  Sure enough, he was moving but his legs weren't touching the
floor.  His head hung back and the carpet dizzily whirled by.  A door
opened and closed.  He tried to flail out, but found he was wrapped up in a
thick quilt and couldn't move his arms.  He kicked weakly.  Just as he was
going to speak, he was dumped on the floor.  Another door closed as he
rolled over.  He stood, tripping on the blanket, and fell, rapping his head
on the door as he went down.  He shook it off, feeling blindly for a knob.
He grew worried when one didn't come within reach.  He lifted his hand to
pound the wall and stumbled in surprise when it moved.  The sleepy haze
enveloping his mind lifted and he realized he was in Robbie's closet.  He
slid the door over cautiously, just enough to let a beam of yellow light
through.  He saw Robbie, sleeping on the bed.  If Robbie was asleep, then
who put him in the closet?  He couldn't make out any other figures in the
room.  He stuck his fingers out when someone pounded at the door.

From without Stephen shouted, first for Robbie, then for Ronan.  Darren
withdrew and paused.  Robbie opened the door.

"Hiya, Rob.  Alright, mate?" said Shane cheerfully.

"Is Ronan in here?" asked Stephen, peering worriedly over Shane's shoulder.

"No," said Robbie.

"Where is he?" yelled Stephen exasperatedly.

"It's alright, Steo," said Shane.  "We've been looking all night," he
explained to Robbie.

"Oh," Robbie said.

"Are you alright, Rob?  You look a little pekid."

"Did you eat today, Robbie?" Stephen asked, picking up on his lacrymose
response.

"Yeah, I had a..." Robbie faltered.  Shane grabbed him as his knees gave
out.

"Shite! Sit down, Rob!" Shane said, rushing him to the bed.

Darren stood in the closet, uncertain if he should intrude even though
every fiber in his body wanted to break through the faux wooden door and go
to Robbie's aid.

Stephen muttered to himself.  "When I find him, he'd better have something
good to say.  When I find him, he'd better, he'd better, or I'll..." he
stopped and took deep breaths, quelling either tears or a pent fury
gurgling beneath his surface.  He pushed the closet door harshly.  It hit
Darren's head and he cried out.

"Ro?" Stephen shouted, angrily and hopefully at once.  The door flew open
and Darren found himself face to face with Stephen.  Although his
disappointment was unmasked, Stephen recovered himself instantaneously.

"Good evening, Darren," he said, as though finding him in a closet was a
run of the mill event.

"Hello, Stephen," Darren answered.  He stepped out of the closet,
nonchalantly pulling the blanket behind him.

Shane was bent over Robbie, too busy pressing a cold wash cloth to his
forehead to notice the ridiculous exchange.

"Did he eat anything?" Shane asked Darren.

"Not that I know of," Darren said.

"You're sure?"

"We've been together all night," Darren said, blushing as he did.

"You guys aren't together, are you?" asked Stephen.

"No!" Darren said, a little too emphatically.

"Ah," said Stephen.  "So how'd you end up in the closet?"

"I don't know," Darren said hesitantly.  "I think I was carried?"

"Robbie," Shane chirped playfully, "did you put Darren in the closet?"

Robbie stared at Shane blankly.  "I guess so," he said.  "I don't
remember."  He yawned.  "Were you in my closet, Darren?"

Darren nodded.

"That's nice," Robbie said groggily.  "I'm a little hungry," he said as he
snuggled against Shane's hip and closed his eyes.

"Listen.  Darren." said Stephen, who had been pacing disconcertedly between
the bed and the foyer, "I don't want you to think anything off about me and
Ro.  I know you heard I'm looking for him.  I'm a little worried.  I don't
want you to think anything untoward."

"No worries," Darren said.

"Stephen, he knows about you and Ro.  I told him," said Shane.

"Shane?" Stephen whined.

"You don't have to worry about me," Darren said.  "I'm just glad the
secret's finally out.  I keep running into Ronan."

Stephen's face crumpled at Ronan's name.  "You were there tonight, weren't
you."  It wasn't a question but rather a simple statement of fact.

"Yes," said Darren.

Stephen nodded.  "I heard him talking to someone after he left.  I should
have gone after him, I guess."

You didn't want him back right then, though, did you?" Shane said
practically.

"No, I suppose not," said Stephen.

"Well, then," said Shane.

Stephen whirled on him.  "You don't think Ronan's good enough for me.  You
never have!"

Shane didn't say a word during Stephen's tirade, didn't make a motion to
confirm or deny what he said.  He simply stroked Robbie's hair and kept his
gaze locked onto Stephen's.  When Stephen finished, he said,

"Feel better?"  and Stephen said,

"No."

"Why don't you sit down? I'll make some tea," Darren said, putting his arm
around him.

Stephen shrugged Darren off, saying, "There's no kettle.  It's America,
remember?"

"I'll order room service, then," Darren said, trying not to show his hurt
at Stephen's brush off.

Stephen perched himself on the bed's edge next to the sleeping Robbie's
feet.  He slumped over and mumbled into his hands.

"I never thought it would end like this," he said sadly.

"What's ended, Steo?  It's not over yet," Shane said, leaning up to lightly
rub his back.

"Remember how it used to be?  When we just started out?"

"When we were on the road and you got homesick all the time?" Shane said.

"I'd shut myself in my room and cry on my bed because I couldn't see mam
and dad and I was so depressed because no one knew I was gay..."

"We knew," Shane said quietly.

Darren handed Stephen a cup of tea.  He blew over it, watching the brown
liquid shimmer.

"Ronan used to knock at my door because he knew I was down," Stephen
continued.

"We all worried about you," Shane said.

"And the five us used to sit on my bed, and you'd all hug me."  Stephen's
voice cracked.

Shane rubbed his back harder.

"And Ronan said that he'd always take care of me," Stephen whimpered.  He
fell against Shane's chest as he lost control of his tears.

"We all said that, Stephen," Shane said.  He pulled Stephen back, forcing
him to look into his face.  "Someone will always take care of you," he said
firmly.

Stephen sat up.  "It's not that," he said.  "I can take care of myself now.
It's that Ronan doesn't care anymore.  When he first said that I'd be safe
with him, that he'd make sure of it, I didn't know what to think because he
was younger than me, but he was so together, you know?  And he kept showing
me over and over how he could catch me everytime I fell and pick me up
whenever I was down.  I don't need his support anymore, but I still need
him."

"I know," said Shane.

"I trusted him implicitly," said Stephen.

"What happened?" asked Darren, who had been sitting quietly with his tea.

"J," said Shane.

"I don't know what happened," said Stephen.  "We were perfect.  This sounds
bad, but after his mam and his grandma and his cousin died, we grew closer.
It was finally my turn to take care of him.  He was the one crying at night
instead of me."

Darren glanced over to Robbie.  Stephen didn't notice, but Shane smiled
reassuringly.

"How did you know something was wrong?" Darren asked.

"J came up to me and said Ro was a good kisser.  I think he was drunk.  It
was a month after 'When the Going Gets Tough,' but they'd been seeing each
other since the album came out.  I confronted Ronan and he told me
everything.  But he never told me why he did it.  I figured I had done
something to disappoint him, but I couldn't think what."

"Don't blame yourself," said Shane.

"Well, blaming him hasn't done me any good," said Stephen.  "I thought we
could work it out, get past it, but I don't know what he wants.  One minute
he's apologizing, the next minute he's with J again."

"J is fairly addictive," Darren said.  "I mean...he has a tendency to...get
what he wants from someone."  He blushed.

Stephen's eyes widened.  "Am I the only one here who's never made out with
Jason?" he bellowed.  Darren stared at his feet sheepishly.  Robbie opened
his eyes and nodded before falling against Shane's leg again.  Shane waved
at Stephen.

"I've never kissed J," he said.

Stephen rolled his eyes.  "At this rate, you will have by the end of the
week."

Shane laughed.

"What am I going to do?" Stephen sighed.  "After last night, especially, I
hate to admit it, but I'm a little scared of him now."

"I won't let anything happen to you," Shane promised.

"I know," said Stephen.

"I saw him last night, you know," Darren said slowly.  "I don't really
understand what's happened between you two, and it's not my business, you
know, but I think that Ronan doesn't know either.  I think he's just really
lost.  And he's not used to that.  It upsets him and he lashes out, but
it's not at you.  I think it's just because he doesn't know what to do."

"He had a gash on his forehead two days ago," Shane said.  "Do you know how
that happened, Steo?  He wouldn't tell me."

"We were fighting, as usual.  I pushed him," Stephen said.

"You did that to him?" Shane said in disbelief.

"No.  He tripped on the coffee table on his way out."

 Shane snickered.  He patted Stephen and cooed, "Poor little Stephen,
letting a piece of furniture do your dirty work."

"Shut up," Stephen said.

Robbie yawned, stretched, and sat up.

"Feel better?" Shane asked.

"Much," he said.  "Did you lose Ronan?" he asked Stephen innocently.

"God, I hope not," Stephen said desperately.  "I won't give him up, I
can't, we've been through too much."

"Hey, hey," Robbie said, quickly.  "I didn't mean to upset you.  I'm sorry,
mate."

"Where is he?" Stephen cried.

Robbie paused.  "Um, doesn't his brother own a bar around here?"

Stephen sat bolt upright.  Shane slapped his forehead.  "Of course!" they
yelled.  "Let's go!"  They were halfway out the door as Robbie scrambled
into some clothes and Darren hollered,

"Wait!  I have to find my pants!"  He ran off to his room, calling to them
to hold a cab.  In a minute, he was downstairs as well.  One cab holding
Stephen and Shane was just pulling out and Robbie hailed another.  Robbie
told the cabbie to the follow the others.

"I was really worried about you, last night, Rob," said Darren.

"Why?"

"You were banging your head on the wall."

"I was?"

"Yes," said Darren.

"I don't remember," said Robbie.

"No, I imagine not.  Do you remember last night at all?  I took you to my
room."

"No."

"You couldn't stop crying.  You scared me."

"I'm sorry," Robbie squeezed Darren's arm.  "But I'm glad I wasn't alone,
even if I don't remember."

Darren sighed.  "Robbie, I wish you would just tell me what upsets you so
much.  I don't know that I could stand seeing you like that again."

Robbie withdrew into the corner.  He watched the traffic lights whirl past.

"Robbie?" Darren said.

"I want to tell you, Daz."

"Then do."

He shook his head.  "I'm afraid..that you wouldn't like me very much after
I told you."

Darren grinned.  "I couldn't like you any less," he joked.

Robbie pursed his lips ruefully.  "Believe me, you can."

"Robbie, I promise you, whatever it is, I won't think any less of you, I
won't leave you alone, and I won't stop caring about you."  He chose the
last phrase carefully, weighing the difference between loving and caring,
and ultimately deciding that he wasn't ready to say loving yet and Robbie
probably wasn't ready to hear it either.

"We're here," Robbie said.  He darted out of the cab.  Darren tossed a few
dollars to the cabbie and raced after him into the bar.  He pushed his way
to the bar in time to see Ronan's brother hand Stephen a pint.

"We're going to take him home before long.  We have to close in half an
hour," he shouted.

"How is he?" Stephen shouted.

"Very Irish," the brother said, saluting him with his Guinness.

"Gimme some of that," Robbie said.  A pint slid down the bar, but Shane
caught it.

"He'll have a club soda," he said to the elder Keating.  Seconds later
Robbie had it in hand.  He sipped at it disdainfully.

"Has he been at it long?" Stephen asked.

Darren looked around, wondering what he could mean.  He finally spotted
Ronan, sitting atop the karaoke machine, his blond head bobbing above the
smattering of patrons.  He held a pint in one hand and a microphone in the
other.  He swayed a little, and might have lost his balance if not for the
wall holding him up.  Looking down, Darren realized why.  Eight empty
glasses were meticulously lined up on the floor beneath his feet.  The
ninth was about to join them.  Stephen was talking to him now.  He tried to
pull him off the machine, but Ronan pushed him away.  Stephen fell against
a table.  When he stood up, his shirt was stained with lager.  He tried
again to lure Ronan back with him, but Ronan wouldn't have it.  He tried to
pull Stephen up with him.  He wouldn't come and instead yelled at Ronan to
snap out of it.  Ronan laughed and burst into tears.  Stephen grabbed his
arm, but Ronan shook him off.  His brother handed him another Guinness.  He
took it and Stephen stormed off.  Ronan took a gulp of it and yelled after
him,

"Stephen!"

Stephen turned around.  Ronan slid off the karaoke machine.  His legs
buckled and he held himself up against it.  He reached out and Stephen ran
to that familiar spot by his side.

"I wanted to sing to you," Ronan said.

"So sing," Stephen said, not as coldly as he might have.

If I fall along the way,
pick me up and dust me off
and if I get too tired to make it
be my breath so I can walk

Ronan held onto Stephen desperately.

If I need some other love
give me more than I can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded
wait around I'll smile again

Stephen shook.  He'd been waiting such a long time to see Ronan's smile.

Shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

He squeezed Ronan tightly.  Ronan pushed him away and held onto his
shoulder, urgently pleading,

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
get put back together

You're breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent

Stephen held Ronan's hand on his shoulder.  Ronan leaned into him.

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
could you paint me better off
could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot.

Stephen shook his head, biting back tears.  Ronan dropped his hand and
stood confrontationally before him.

I started out clean but I"m jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin

He crinkled his nose in self loathing.

Start bending me
It's never enough
I feel all your pieces

His lip trembled.  Stephen reached for him, but he shook his head, knowing
that a touch would send him over the edge.

Start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in

Shouldn't be so complicated

He started crying and Stephen grabbed him, pulling him in to him.

Just touch me and then
just touch me again

Ronan gasped out the last part and commenced sobbing in Stephen's arms.

Stephen stroked his hair.  "It's okay," he purred.  "I understand now.
I'll be the strong one for awhile."

Ronan clung to Stephen as his bastion against the world.  Stephen escorted
him out.  He didn't take his arm from his shoulders, even after they slid
into the taxi.  Darren watched them drive off as Ronan nestled against
Stephen's chest and Stephen turned his head side to side, cautiously.
Darren wondered what threats he watched for, and if they were the same
demons that turned Robbie into the shell of himself, if they were the same
ones that Darren wanted more than anything to destroy.


tbc

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