Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 03:46:30 EDT
From: Storywrightr@aol.com
Subject: All Grown Up

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains
characters who share names, descriptions, etc., with real-life
people (specifically members of the groups *N SYNC and Backstreet
Boys); however, this is all fantasy and in no way is to insinuate
anything about those people.

So here I am, eating my words (electronically) about no follow-up
piece. Two things changed my mind--some very generous comments
from readers and a conversation with Rick (writer of "The One"--
read it!), who had the idea of putting together the following two
characters. That was compelling enough to get me writing. My
continued thanks to Eriker for her encouragement and inspiration.
(Check out "Doin-It" by Eriker.)

By the way, if you read any stories on here and enjoy them, write
a quick note to the author. You wouldn't believe how much it will
be appreciated. I'll certainly welcome your comments--good or
bad! E-mail me at storywrightr@aol.com. Thanks.



All Grown Up 2--Still Growing


A: Hey Dad!

J: Hi Sweetie. You know that when I was a kid, you had to
actually pick up the phone to find out who was calling.

A: Yeah, well, I can't even imagine "picking up the phone"! Don't
you like knowing who you are going to talk to before you start
talking?

J: Sure. I guess I'm just thinking about how much things have
changed in my lifetime.

A: Daddy! You aren't THAT old! What got you thinking about all
this?

J: Oh I don't know . . . guess I was just remembering. . . . So
how's filming going?

A: Great actually. I'm really enjoying it. And I feel like I'm
learning more and more everyday. Richard is such a great
director--I mean, I don't have anyone to compare him with, but I
feel like I can really trust him and that he's teaching me a lot.
And I love working with Keri and Michael too. Oh, speaking of a
hundred years ago, Keri was telling me stories about you two on
that Disney thing when you were kids.

J: Oh God, that must have been painful! It's pretty amazing that
she's playing your mother in this thing.

A: Yeah, kind of cool though, huh?

J: Sure. And are you sleeping enough and eating enough? How early
are you having to get to the set?

A: Daddy! Since when have you had to worry about me taking care
of myself?

J: I know . . . but let me play father a little, okay? It's your
first big job, and you're awfully young to take on all this
responsibility.

A: Excuse me? This coming from the guy who was performing from
the time he was a little kid?

J: Well, that doesn't mean it was the best way to live my life.
And your grandmother or one of the other guy's mothers was around
watching over us.

A: Dad, I'm fine. Don't worry. Though it's kind of sweet. So now
that you're done with that Vegas thing why don't you come see me?
Wouldn't you like to spend some time in New York?

J: You really wouldn't mind?

A: No, of course not! As long as you don't follow me around and
make me eat and sleep and stuff.

J: Well what's the fun of that then? [laughing] If I can't annoy
you, why bother?

A: Very funny Dad!

J: Don't worry, I can't get away for a while anyway. I'm working
with the guys getting them ready for a recording session. I also
promised to attend a meeting next week.

A: A meeting for the guys?

J: No, an AA meeting.

A: Oh. . . . Something you want to tell me Dad? I didn't think
you drank very much.

J: No, not like that. It's an anniversary, and I'd just be going
to support him.

A: Oh. Who's the "him"? Somebody new you haven't told me about?
Spill! You know I love hearing about my father's men!

J: Men! What men? There have never been men! Just two particular
ones. Don't make me sound like there was someone different in my
life every week.

A: Yeah, unfortunately!

J: Be good!

A: Well, it's time for someone new. It's been forever since you
were with Jason. It's time you had someone in your life.

J: Thank you for the advice and the benefit of your advanced
years and life experience!

A: I don't have to be old to know things.

J: I'm enjoying my life just the way it is. It's taken me a long
time to get here--a long time to be happy on my own. On my own
with my sweet daughter, that is--who deserted me to have a career
in New York!

A: Hey, you taught me to live my own life. And I'm only in New
York for ten weeks. Then I'll be back there bothering you--at
least for a while.

J: You better be!

A: So stop avoiding the question. Who's the new guy?

J: What new guy?

A: The drunk.

J: Hey! That's not funny. Don't talk like that.

A: Why? That's how people in AA talk about themselves. That's how
Pop talks about himself.

J: Well, even if they do, it's not right for us to.

A: Don't be so sensitive. What's wrong? You must really like this
guy or something.

J: Or something. . . . Actually, YOU really like this guy?

A: Huh? It's someone I know?

J: Yep. Actually you just mentioned him. . . . It's your father.

A: Huh? You just told me it wasn't you.

J: Um, not me, your other father.

A: Huh? I'm still lost here.

J: Your father Brian called me. And he asked me to attend his AA
meeting when he speaks on his eighth anniversary next week.

A: [long pause] Pop called you? . . . Why?

J: Well, he called to catch up on things. To just talk. And to
invite me to the meeting. He seemed to feel it was important
enough to call and ask.

A: You guys actually spoke to each other? I mean, just for a
minute or so for him to ask you the question or what?

J: No, we talked for a while. Probably an hour or more. I'm not
sure. Want me to get the phone records?

A: I'm not laughing Dad.

J: No you aren't; but I don't understand why you aren't. What's
the problem. You don't like your old man's jokes anymore?

A: Daddy, why are you joking about this? What's really going on
here?

J: Sweetie, I don't know what you mean. Nothing is going on.
I'll admit that I was taken by surprise--major surprise--that
Brian called me. I was apprehensive and not very comfortable at
first . . . but in the end, it was very pleasant--or at least very
meaningful. Other than to say hello or good bye in passing, we've
not talked--really talked--in almost ten years. It felt awkward
at first, but then it got better. I was uncomfortable with some
of the things he said, but it was also pretty amazing how much we
did have to talk about. We've both done a lot of growing up--
especially in the last few years. And in some of the same ways.
It seems both of us have done some major work in therapy. We also
share an incredible daughter that we both love more than anything
in the world.

A: [pause] I still can't believe he just called you. And I can't
believe you talked to him--and for so long.

J: Why? Did you think I hated him? That he hated me? Is that the
impression you've had?

A: No. I guess I just thought you'd just never have anything to
do with each other again. I don't know. I really hadn't thought
about it. It's just a shock I guess.

J: I'm sorry sweetie. I would have been more careful about how I
told you if I had known that it would bother you.

A: But what's this mean? Are you suddenly friends?

J: I don't know, sweetie . . . we don't know. But you know what?
There's a huge sense of relief somehow after talking to him. Like
some big ugly cloud has been in my life all these years and it's
finally gone. Strange huh? And it was like I never even knew it
was there--but I know it's gone now.

A: Daddy . . . you, um, you don't . . . um . . . still love him,
do you?

J: What?

A: I think I delivered that line slowly enough for you to hear
it.

J: Don't be a smart ass. [pause] It would be really easy to give
you the answer you want, but if you want the real answer, I don't
know.

A: Oh GOD!

J: Sweetie?

A: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Have you forgotten everything you've
learned through all these years?

J: Sweetheart . . . listen . . .

A: NO! You listen! What are you thinking? Are you that lonely?

J: That's not fair--to me or to Brian! Why are you talking like
this? You're making it sound like you think Brian is some kind of
monster. I thought you loved him.

A: Daddy--I love Papa very, very much. And I love you very, very
much. But my memories of you two together are not the greatest
times of my life.

J: Oh baby . . . I'm so sorry. Really. [long pause; then quietly]
When Brian and I were talking the other day, it seemed we came
back often to how concerned we were about what we had done to
you. How hard it must have been on you. Especially when we were
gone--or when we were all together but not very pleasantly.

A: "Not very pleasantly"--that's one way of putting it!

J: [pause] How would you put it?

A: I just remember everyone being so miserable. You, Papa,
Grandma, all the guys . . . everyone had their own way of showing
it, but everyone was miserable.

J: You left out you . . . were you miserable too?

A: Yeah . . . mainly because I couldn't stand to see you guys so
unhappy. And I loved you both so much . . . I couldn't stand to
take a side. It was just so much easier when you didn't live
together anymore.

J: You were only eight when we finally moved apart permanently.

A: Yeah, but I remember plenty from before I was eight.
Especially when Pop would be drunk. But you'd both have some
strange ideas about what we should be doing as a family--going to
someplace or whatever. Dinners together. But you usually
disagreed on what we should be doing. And when you did sit down
to dinner together, you'd either not speak at all or just say
things that hurt the other one.

J: [softly] I remember. . . . I'm so sorry. . . . SO sorry. . . .
Do you have any pleasant memories?

A: What? Of course I do! I told you--I loved you both very much--
I still love you very much. And I have wonderful memories of
spending time with each of you. But only time I spent with each
of you alone. That's why when you didn't live together anymore it
made it so much easier. There was no pretense of spending time
HAPPILY as a family. We didn't have those tense times. And
especially after Pop stopped drinking, when he'd come to
Grandma's he seemed to really relax. We'd do all kinds of fun
things--horseback riding, whatever. And then when I came to live
with you, but would go spend time with him, that was good too. We
always had a great time.

J: [quietly] Do you ever think about or wish that someone else
had adopted you?

A: WHAT? WHAT? NO! Is that what you think? You wish you hadn't
adopted me?

J: Oh baby NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! A thousand times NO!
The one thing Brian and I could agree on more than anything was
how wonderful you are--how much we love you--what a blessing
you've been to us--how lucky we are that you turned into the
wonderful woman that you are! I can't imagine my life without you
in it!

A: And Pop too?

J: And Pop too! You know he loves you. More than anything. You're
the greatest force behind how he turned his life around.

A: Then why the question about someone else adopting me?

J: I don't think it's any different than a couple that give birth
to their own child . . . if they feel that they've not provided a
good or happy home--a good childhood--they wonder if they did
wrong. If the child would have been better off in another home.
Do you understand that? It has nothing to do with how wonderful
the child turned out or how much they love her--it's just that
every parent wants the best for his child--the happiest times,
whatever. You know?

A: I guess. Maybe it's just one of those adopted children things.
Maybe it's not. Maybe any child sometimes wonders if their
parents wished that they had been free and not had the child in
the way.

J: Oh baby, we've gotten way too serious for this conversation to
be over the phone. I'm in such need of hugging you! I really NEED
to hug you--to try and make you feel how loved you are--and to
make me feel that I've made you feel that just a little bit.
I might just have to book a flight for tonight.

A: [laughing softly] Daddy, I love you. You give great phone
hugs.

J: Promise? Promise you know that Pop and I love you more than
anything? That you are the most wonderful thing to ever happen to
us? In a life of some wonderful things!

A: Yeah, I promise. I love you too Daddy.

J: [pause] I'm sorry that my conversation with Brian upset you.

A: No, it just worried me--for both of you.

J: You don't think we're up to it, huh? That we can't take it?

A: Maybe. You said something earlier about not hating him. And
that he doesn't hate you. It's funny, I never thought you did. I
mean, you guys were miserable around each other, and I never
really thought about it, but I never thought you hated each
other. In all the years I've never heard either of you say
anything hateful about the other one. You've been sad about the
other one. And you've had to defend him from things others have
said about him. But it's always seemed like you wanted only the
best for the other one.

J: Hmmmm . . . I'm glad that's true. Especially glad that that's
what you saw. And it is true.

A: So love wasn't the problem, was it?

J: Whew, baby girl! When did you switch to hardball?

A: [laughing] What? I'm sorry. Too intimate?

J: Hmmmm . . . Can your own daughter ask you too intimate a
question? . . . I don't know, I guess I just wasn't expecting it.
But it's not a bad topic. Not a bad topic for us to talk about.
It's also much of what Brian and I talked about the other day.

A: You guys talked about love?

J: We guys talked about just about everything. It was really a
pretty amazing conversation. I didn't know either of us had it in
us to be so open and honest--at least that's how it felt we were
being. I think your parents are finally growing up. Maybe some
day we'll be as grown up as you!

A: Maybe! [laughing] I won't hold my breath!

J: At least you're laughing about it now!

A: Yeah, well . . .

J: Listen sweetheart, it felt good to talk to him. Like I said,
it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

A: So what did you guys say about loving each other?

J: Hmmmm . . .  Just that we acknowledged that love wasn't the
problem. I think Brian questioned if I had loved him--or if I
thought today that I had loved him back then. I did, though--as
much as someone so young and so immature can. That's what I
blame--the immaturity--the insecurity . . . that's what did us
in. And the pressures of the groups--so much felt like it was
riding on our shoulders.

A: Weren't you my age when you guys got married?

J: Yes.

A: And you see that as too young?

J: Don't you?

A: Well, I see it as too young because there are so many things I
want to do before I'm married. It's not that I don't think I
could make the decision now.

J: And the fact that you realize that there are things you want
to do before you get married already makes you much more mature
than we were. Or I was. But really both of us. Brian was 24, but
that's still young. It's funny, being in those groups caused us
to grow up faster in some ways, but it made us less mature in a
lot of ways. We didn't have the years in normal school activities
to learn from. Well, in those days, gay boys didn't have that
experience even if they were in school. We were actually more
protected, perhaps. We weren't in school where we might have been
taunted. But we did have to keep it all a secret way into
adulthood--that was always a heavy pressure--and one that would
have been missing if we were working in advertising or something
of that sort.

A: So the groups were a blessing and a curse.

J: Oh absolutely! Without question. Yes!

A: Come on Dad, express an opinion on the question!

J: Cute! [laughing] You know I loved performing. I got to travel
all over the world. I made so much money. But I never got to play
basketball for my high school. I never got to go to college.
After about age 15 or 16 I could never go to places without body
guards. It's why we worry about you--I think Brian more than me.
He really wanted you to have a normal school experience. But he
respects your choices.

A: Yeah, I know he was disappointed. But even if I had stayed in
school, it wouldn't have made up for you guys--and who knows if I
would have been happy anyway.

J: I know. You're right. The other thing for us was that we met
and there really was this magical love between us almost
immediately. And because we were horny boys, it became sexual
very quickly. Then it was like, "How do we turn back?" I mean,
especially with Brian's religious background, if you were in love
and especially if you were having sex, you got married. So we got
married!

A: Horny boys--that sounds like a logical cause for the problems!
[laughing]

J: Don't be an elitist female! [laughing too] For me, even though
your grandmother had done what she could to be with me and show
me how much she loved me, I was still the product of a broken
home and was off travelling from a very early age. That can build
your ego in some ways, and even make you independent, but it can
also leave you hungering for love. That was me--immature for my
age and needing someone to show me love. So when that love came
from Brian, I returned it and then desperately clung to it. But
all my insecurities were still there. I needed to constantly be
told that he loved me. I couldn't be away from him for a minute
without worrying that I was going to lose him. I so desperately
clung to him for my whole sense of self. Isn't that ridiculous? I
had half the teenage girls in the world wanting me--and half the
teenage boys wanting to BE me--even if they would never have
admitted it to each other!--and I fell apart if Brian was out of
my sight. Over time, that kind of connection turns on itself. I
started to resent him, and he resented me. He started drinking
more, I started spending more and more time away from him. After
a while you start to create the situation you fear--I pulled away
from him, even though my greatest fear was losing him. At least
if I pulled away from him, I had some control over WHEN we'd be
apart. I didn't have to wait for him to leave me--I made it
happen myself.

A: Wow--did you know this at the time?

J: Ha! [laughing] My dear child, your inheritance is going to be
substantially less than it would have been if Daddy hadn't spent
so much at the shrink's office! But your Daddy would have
continued to be a pretty miserable person if he hadn't done so
and learned about himself.

A: I think there's probably enough money to cover it!

J: Yeah, I think so!

A: And Papa is going to a shrink now too?

J: Yeah. You didn't know that?

A: No. I love Pop, and I love spending time with him, but he and
I don't talk quite as openly as you and I do.

J: Oh. I'm sorry for Brian . . .but it makes me feel very
special.

A: You are very special! And so is he. It's just two different
relationships. I guess even more so since we weren't all
together.

J: Are you ever sorry you didn't have a mom?

A: Now who's asking questions out of left field? [laughing]

J: Hey, I'm taking advantage of you saying we can talk so openly!

A: Well, don't push it! Just kidding, Daddy! And no! I mean, who
knows, if I hadn't spent so much time with Grandma, maybe. But
who knows? And you always had female friends. And you knew when
there was stuff I needed to deal with.

J: Good. You know I'm so thankful for all your grandmother did
for you--for all of us. She's a pretty terrific lady! She raised
the two people I've cared most for in my life.

A: [pause] Whew! If you are going to start talking like that, I
need some preparation!

J: What?

A: Well, calling Pop and me your two favorite people.

J: I think I said the two people I've cared most for--that's not
necessarily the same thing as two "favorite" people.

A: Vague difference--and I think you are just avoiding the point.

J: That being?

A: That you still have strong feelings for Pop.

J: You know, it's not too late to quit this acting thing and
study psychology.

A: Ha, ha.

J: Honestly? I really don't know how I feel. I told your pop that
I was going to have to schedule extra therapy sessions--and I
meant it! Brian has changed a lot, it seems. And I know I have.
Whether that means that the old codependent habits that we fell
into could be avoided now, who knows? It was nice to talk to him.
I found myself feeling so proud for all that he's done--turning
around his life. Have you heard his new music? The ballads? The
musical he's working on?

A: Some of the ballads. That one about walking on the beach is so
beautiful.

J: Isn't it? I'd LOVE to record that one!

A: So do it!

J: Wouldn't that surprise people! Could get some attention, huh?

A: Speaking of "people"--how would you two face Uncle JC--and
Grandma--and Grandmother!

J: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We're not sending out
remarriage announcements! I just have to hope that they don't go
crazy over us speaking. And hopefully becoming friendly again.
Being in each other's lives in whatever way--beyond our love for
you. I don't understand it, so I can understand if they don't.
Look how much trouble you're having with it. I know what we put
people through. I know that it would scare people for themselves,
for you, for us. But I can't live my life worrying about how
someone might react to it. It felt good to talk to Brian. I THINK
it would feel good to have him back in my life. But who knows? It
could also be really painful. Especially if one of us goes
farther with his feelings than the other. Or at a different pace.
But we're trying to be adults. That includes being responsible
for ourselves and facing joy and pain and whatever else life
might bring.

A: And you think he feels the same way?

J: What do you mean?

A: That he wants you guys to be back in each others' lives?

J: Um, yeah; he feels that way.

A: What's that mean? . . . He wants more already, doesn't he?

J: No. Don't go jumping to conclusions! And I'm not going to tell
you everything we talked about. Just as I don't share everything
you and I talk about with him or anyone else. He reached out. I'm
glad he did. It feels good. I'll be careful--for all of us.

A: You know he's not as strong as you. You might have to look out
for him some.

J: Why do you say that?

A: I guess I just think of him as more fragile than you.

J: [laugh] Really? [then seriously] Because of the alcoholism?

A: Maybe. Though that's been under control since I was pretty
little. I don't know, maybe I'm being unfair to him--or even you.
And maybe it's because you and I do talk so openly. But there's a
real sadness in Pop. He has turned his life around, but I'm not
sure he's ever gotten over the hurt--not as much as you have.

J: Who says I have?

A: [pause] I'm sorry . . . I guess that was unfair.

J: No, don't feel bad. But I don't know . . . you know, maybe one
of the things that feels good about his calling is that we just
fell apart ten years ago; we didn't really end it or finish it.
There was never any closure. There was just this wound that I got
used to having. Maybe Brian is necessary to help it finally heal.
And that could mean heal and find closure, or heal and have him
in my life in some way. I can't honestly say which. Nor can I say
what I want it to be. I know that I don't want him to be hurt,
and I'll do whatever I can to try and keep him from being hurt--
as long as it doesn't mean sacrificing myself. I HAVE learned
about codependency in the past decade!

A: Good. I don't want to see either of you hurt. And neither does
anyone else. But I guess that's the fear we'd all have about you
two getting together in whatever way. But as you say, it's maybe
necessary at this point for each of you to move on, huh? So, it
could be bad, okay, good, or wonderful, huh?

J: Yep, those are probably the choices, baby girl!

A: Can we take a vote on which one?

J: Well, maybe in the form of a prayer!

A: I'll do that.

J: Good. It's always good to be in a prayerful mindset. Good
things come from that.

A: So what's next? I mean when do you see him?

J: I'm not sure when or where the meeting is. I guess he'll call
and give me directions. Or I'll call him.

A: Need his number?

J: Got it, thanks.

A: You don't even know when the meeting is?

J: I know which day it is but not what time.

A: Which day is it?

J: Thursday.

A: Oh. Thursday is the . . . Daddy! Thursday? This next Thursday?

J: Yes.

A: [excitedly] Do you know what the date is?

J: [quietly] Yes.

A: [a little loudly] You are going to see Pop on YOUR
anniversary?

J: That's the plan. I didn't know you knew that date so clearly.

A: Huh? Where do you think I grew up?

J: Funny. But it's not like we celebrated it each year--least not
the past ten.

A: No, didn't celebrate it . . . but each of you sort of
commemorated it.

J: Oh. I'm sorry baby.

A: Sorry? What for?

J: I don't know. Being difficult through the years. Your life
being difficult. I feel like you probably missed out on some of
your childhood because your fathers weren't done with theirs yet.

A: Oh Daddy . . . it wasn't bad. I told you already; I have a lot
of great memories from my childhood.

J: Well, I hope so. You deserve the best.

A: Thanks Daddy. [pause] So on your anniversary? You're going to
see him on your anniversary?

J: Well, it's his AA anniversary too.

A: Did either of you bring it up when you were talking?

J: Oh yeah. Brian was direct and honest about it. And said he'd
understand if it was too uncomfortable.

A: And you don't think it will be?

J: I honestly don't know. I'm assuming that the attention will be
on the AA anniversary. That's what I'm going to concentrate on.
And how much he's changed. And celebrating that.

A: Don't forget the champagne.

J: Nasty girl!

A: Sorry--couldn't resist. Don't tell Papa I said that!

J: Don't worry!

A: Are you going to see him other than at the meeting? I mean are
you like having dinner or something?

J: I don't know. We haven't talked about those details yet. He
just asked about the meeting. Probably we should just wait until
we're both there and see how we each feel before deciding that
stuff. Unless he already has plans with friends or whatever.

A: I wonder why he didn't invite me . . .

J: Well, you're out of town for one thing.

A: Yeah, but still . . .

J: It could also be that he's afraid it might be hurtful to you.
I really don't know. You know him--these days--a lot better than
I do.

A: Hey! Do I know about you two when I talk to him next time?

J: What do you mean?

A: Do I know about you talking to each other?

J: Sure--you planning amnesia or something?

A: You know what I mean. Do you think he'll mind that you and I
talked about it?

J: I hope not. I hope we aren't going to play a bunch of games. I
think it's natural that I told you about talking to him. I hope
he didn't mean to keep it a secret from you.

A: Okay. So you don't mind me letting him know that I know?

J: No of course not. I mean, I would hope that you won't relate
every word we've exchanged . . .

A: Of course not Daddy!

J: I trust your judgment. . . . Will he be uncomfortable that we
spoke about it? Or that you know?

A: I really don't know. I hope not. As I said, he and I don't
talk as openly as you and I do. Maybe this will open him up some.
It could be good for us.

J: That would be nice. Anything that brings you two closer
couldn't be all bad!

A: Yeah. I love him.

J: He knows that. He said so.

A: I wish it was enough to make him happy.

J: I'm sure it makes him very happy.

A: You know what I mean . . .

J: I do. But you can't take on that responsibility. We're big
boys--we can take responsibility for ourselves.

A: Well, we'll see! [laughing]

J: Hey! Shouldn't you show some respect for your fathers?

A: I respect you guys. Really!

J: Very convincing. I hope you're delivering your lines on camera
better than that!

A: Ouch! That was a low blow! [laughing]

J: [laughing] I'm kidding you sweetie! . . . I love you so much.
You really are the best thing that ever happened in my life--I
hope you know that and will always know that. I hope that brings
some joy to your life. You've brought so much to mine.

A: You're a sweetheart Daddy. And I love you. . . . But I also
have to go to sleep! See! I can realize it's bedtime!

J: Good. I guess I won't have to fly there to tuck you in then,
huh?

A: No, but it's sweet that you wanted to.

J: So sweetie, don't worry about us, okay?

A: I won't Daddy. But you promise to take care, okay?

J: Yes sir! . . . And you too, okay?

A: Promise!

J: Bye baby.

A: Bye Daddy.