Date: Sun, 09 Jul 2000 01:00:12 EDT
From: Dara Lynn <daralynn_writings@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boy Bands/ Any Path, part one
Disclaimer - I do not know or own the Backstreet Boys or 'Nsync. (I
wish I did!) I also do not know Louis Pearlman, anyone at Jive or TransCon,
etc. The actions, opinions and preferences of the real-life people used in
this story are almost all fictional. No offense is intended. All events
are also fictional, so far as I know. I'm new at this, so please forgive
any confusion I cause or mistakes I make.
My thanks go to Becca (author of "Remembering Petticoat Lane") for her
encouragement, and her not minding that our stories are somewhat similar.
Special thanks to Desiree on the BackstreetSubmission list for help
concerning Kevin, a.k.a. "Boo". I would also like to express my thanks to
the Nifty archive and all those who contribute to it and run it - you guys
are amazing.
Recommendations - You should also be reading "A Tale of Two Boybands",
"By My Side", "Truth Or Dare", "Tears In Your Eyes", "Kevin and Justin",
"Remembering Petticoat Lane", "Superman Can't Fly", "J and JC" and my
personal favorite, the best fan-fiction I have EVER read, "Nsync: Lance N
JC". Write to Kevin and bug him to write more! Hee hee...
Apologies to Pop-Tarts, the profession of psychiatry, Beanie Babies,
cheesy things, Margaret Mitchell, "Tiger Beat", Disney, boxers with froggies
on them, Superman, cacti and A.J.'s wardrobe. :)
IMPORTANT: This work of fiction contains humor, but is emotional (I
hope) and contains strong subject matter. It is inappropriate for anyone
under 18, homophobic, or looking for a story with lots of (or, ahem, any)
sex. Thank you.
SOME FINAL NOTES: This story takes place in the summer of 1998. Just
because. BSB and 'Nsync did not do their splitting with TransCon then - I
changed that. Ah, the joy of fiction...
// - indicates thoughts, usually Brian's but not always
* * - indicates stress on a word's pronunciation
----- - between sections, this indicates a change of scenery or passage of
time
As this story is completed, I cannot take suggestions, but all comments
except flames at welcome to me, DaraLynn, at DaraLynn@altavista.com.
Sorry for the long disclaimer...here we go...
ANY PATH by DaraLynn
~Part One~
"People see only what they are prepared to see." - R.W. Emerson
~The First Session~
"Are you comfortable, Mr. Littrell?"
Brian shifted slightly in the soft chair and smiled weakly. "Yeah. I
thought I was gonna have to lie down on a couch."
Dr. Lawrence Gorman laughed softly. He was 42, and though he seemed
business-like in his neat gray suit, his eyes were kind and his face
sympathetic. His patients often remarked how easy it is to talk to him.
He casually regarded the young man sitting a few feet away from him.
Dr. Gorman knew, of course, who Brian was. He had a twelve-year-old
daughter who talked endlessly about the Backstreet Boys. She even had one
of them plastered all over her bedroom walls. Not this one, however.
"That has fallen somewhat out of practice, Mr. Littrell. But if you'd
rather lay down...?"
"No, thanks, I think I like this better. And please, call me Brian. I
keep thinking you're talking to my dad."
"Very well, Brian," said the psychiatrist. "what would you like to
talk about today?"
The young man ran a hand through his short, light-brown hair. He
frowned, but didn't speak.
"Please, take all the time you need."
Brian took a deep breath, and began softly. "A lot has happened the
past couple weeks. It's become like a weight pressing down on me.
Everything's changed and I...I feel like I'm going crazy. I've tried to
work it out myself - I've gone over the whole insane story in my head. I've
tried saying the whole mess over to my walls like some soap opera monologue.
I've tried not thinking about it all. And I've prayed."
The young man paused for a moment. A look of fear crossed his face,
and he suddenly seemed very young. "But I'm sometimes not sure if God's
listening anymore. Not...not now.
"Maybe I just need to tell it all to someone. Maybe then I'll know
what to do."
Dr. Gorman smiled sympathetically. "I'm here to listen."
Brian looked at him sadly. With new resolve, he nodded and began his
story.
~Brian speaks...~
"My tragic little sob-story begins, I guess, at my birth, but I'm not
gonna start there. Suffice it to say, I was happy in Kentucky - that's
where I grew up - but it always felt like something was missing. Man, that
sounds so dramatic! But that's how it was. Like constantly waiting for
something. That must be how it feels when you're waiting to be born.
"Then one day my older cousin Kevin called. Which in itself was pretty
odd, I thought then - we always got along okay, but I never really saw or
talked to him except around holidays. He remembered how I love to sing -
something we two shared - and asked if I would come out to Orlando, 'cause
he needed another person for his singing group.
"I never thought much about fate, or destiny. I knew about it from the
'Star Wars' movies, and the stories my mom used to tell me about knights and
dragons, and the love songs I liked to sing along to. But there, standing
with the phone in my hand, I knew Fate for the first time. It dragged me
on to that Florida-bound plane and gave me a violent shove into my future.
"My life began, really began, April 20, 1993. I joined the group that
the world would know as the Backstreet Boys, and that I would come to call
family. We learned to harmonize together, to make five voices become one
sound. The first time I heard that sound, our five voices combining, I felt
whole for the first time. I felt *home*.
"Then it was like someone had pressed the fast-forward button - things
began to happen so fast! We were signed, and suddenly we're off performing
in Europe. And I was discovering what a cool guy Kevin had become, and
getting to know my new brothers. Guess I should tell you about them a
little...
"Kevin, of course, is my cousin. He's three years my senior, but
sometimes he seems decades older. He's always been the dad of the group.
He's the most responsible, the most organized, the most practical...he's
always kept us out of trouble, always protected us. When he could. He...he
couldn't always.
"Howie is two years older than me. He's the quiet one, the peacemaker,
the type of guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. Three weeks ago he broke his right
hand by smashing it into our manager's face. Howie would've killed him, I
think, if Kev hadn't pulled him off, but he was feeling the same way. We
all were.
"A.J.'s almost three years younger than me. One of the most laid-back,
happy-go-lucky guys I've ever known. He doesn't smile as much now. On the
rare occasions he takes off his sunglasses, his eyes look dark, filled with
a sort of cold dismay. An anger at things that can't be changed, maybe. I
probably look the same to him. We've all grown up so quickly, maybe too
quickly. I wonder if becoming adults is like this for everyone...like
falling into cold water.
"Then there's Nick. Little Nicky. The baby of the group, the little
brother I never had and the best friend I always wanted. The wide-eyed,
hyperactive, giggling little thirteen-year-old I made friends with grew to
be a terrified eighteen-year-old who cried as much as he once smiled. I
thought no one could wrong him as I had the day I looked at him and saw more
than a friend. But they could. And they did.
"What happened, Doctor, is this - I'm gay, and I fell in love with my
best friend. And I told him. I thought nothing could ever hurt me more
than the fear I saw in his eyes, until I learned it wasn't me he was afraid
of..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
~Four weeks earlier~
Alexander James McLean smiled gleefully at his comfortably, yet
crazily, attired reflection. He slipped on a pair of his trademark
sunglasses and nodded with satisfaction.
A.J.'s smile widened when he saw the figure standing behind him.
"B-Rok! Fancy meetin' you here. What up, bro? How ya doin'? And where ya
been?"
"Restless. Been walking around the hotel. Have you seen Nick yet?"
A.J. answered as he crossed the room to the windows. "Why? Feelin'
horny already?"
A.J. laughed as he gazed at the city spread below him, and didn't see
the uneasy look Brian's face wore.
//If only you knew, Bone...//
A.J. was still surveying the window's view, imagining what mischief he
would cause New York City that day. "He's playing Nintendo, Bri. Isn't
that typical? On a regular, hellishly-busy day he's so hard to wake up, and
when we finally get a day off he's up early. He seems kinda tired, though.
Did he sleep okay last night?"
"Another nightmare."
A.J. whirled around to face his bandmate. "Shit, really? Was it bad?"
"I think so. He was crying and shaking a little for a couple of
minutes, then he went back to sleep."
"Rok, this is happening almost every night. He's gotta see a doctor."
"You know he won't. He hates doctors."
"I don't give a crap. I'm worried."
Brian sat on A.J.'s bed, his shoulders slumping. "Me too."
"Worried about what?" Kevin entered the room, concern on his face.
"Nick," answered Brian. "He had another nightmare last night."
Kevin nodded slowly. "I thought so. We're not too busy for the next
few days, guys. I'm gonna make Nick an appointment as soon as possible."
"For a psychiatrist or regular doctor?" asked A.J.
"Regular doctor first, then a psychiatrist if necessary."
"He won't go."
"Then I'll have to make him go, cuz."
A.J. snickered. "He's a little old for a spanking, Kev."
Kevin allowed a small smile to touch his serious face.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Backstreet Boys piled into the sleek limo quickly, to avoid causing
a scene. Safely on the cushioned seats, with the darkly tinted windows up,
they breathed a collective sigh of relief.
"Where to, Sirs?"
Howie smiled good-naturedly at the driver. "Just drive around, please
- we'll think of something."
Brian was watching Nick, who was staring blankly ahead of him. He was
dressed typically in an oversized green jersey and jeans. His disguise -
sunglasses and a black baseball cap - rested on his lap. His face was calm
but his eyes seemed over-shadowed by something - a trace of the nightmare,
perhaps.
Abruptly Nick met Brian's gaze and grinned wryly. "See something ya
like, Frick?"
Brian forced himself to laugh to hide his thoughts. //Hell yeah! But
how could I tell him? He doesn't even know I'm gay, much less that I'm in
love with him. He'd hate me and I could *not* take that.//
"Just my little Nicky."
Nick scowled at the use of his hated nickname, but as he turned to face
the window, Brian saw a faint smile on his lips.
"Hey, pull over here!"
"Yes, sir, Mr. McLean."
"What's going on, A.J.?"
A.J. pointed. Five guys were shooting hoops on an otherwise-deserted
basketball court. The Backstreet Boys grinned in unison and hopped out of
the limo. Their bodyguards exited the car behind them and followed their
charges to the court.
The basketball players regarded their challengers with looks of
confused recognition. Finally one of them asked, "Hey, aren't you guys the
Backstreet Boys?"
Howie smiled proudly. "Guilty."
"Cool. You wanna play?"
"If you feel like gettin' creamed, sure!"
Brian laughed as he caught the ball tossed to him, his troubles
forgotten for now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian absent-mindedly fluffed his pillows as he looked at the sleeping
figure in the bed next to his. Nick had fallen asleep quickly, and seemed
to be resting peacefully, for which Brian was profoundly grateful. It had
been a long day, what with the basketball game (a resounding victory but not
a surprise; Brian was a great player and rarely lost), the movie (an
all-action, no-plot flick; they bored Brian but Nick and A.J. liked them),
shopping (A.J. has more hats than the Queen, Brian thought with amusement),
football in Central Park (hastily dragged off by the bodyguards after
encountering an all-girl scholl field trip) and a visit to the top of the
Empire State Building (where A.J. had gleefully mooned the city). All in
all, a fun day. Even Nick had seemed his old, cheerful self.
Brian stood, tossing the pillow down. He smiled at his dreaming
friend, and quietly left the room. He crossed the hall and knocked on the
door.
"Kev?"
"Come in."
Kevin, still managing to seem business-like in a T-shirt and boxers,
sat on a chair by the bed, looking over some papers. Brian sat on the bed.
"Nick's asleep."
"Good. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 2:30."
Brian didn't bother hiding his surprise. "That soon? You found a
doctor already?"
"Johnny recommended him. They're old friends."
Brian nodded. Johnny Wright, part of their management team, knew the
area well.
"So we'll go straight from the fan conference," Kevin said. "You, me
and Nicky. Works out good."
"Oh, yeah, the fan conference. And we got Lou's party tomorrow night.
Are you planning on telling Nick he's going to a doctor?"
"I thought I'd let you do the honors, little cuz."
Brian groaned.
"Please, Bri? He's less likely to whine at you."
"Fine, fine. And he only whines when you treat him like a little kid."
"Yeah, maybe I do. We all do sometimes."
Brian nodded. //Yeah, but he's not a little kid anymore and *boy* am I
aware of it!//
"You better get some sleep, Bri."
"You should too. I will if you will."
Kevin neatly set the papers down. "Okay, okay. G'nite, cuz."
"'Night, Kev," Brian replied as he left the room.
Kevin reluctantly slid between the sheets and rested his head on the
pillows. //Please, God,// he prayed, //please let Nick be okay. And Brian
- something's been bothering him too; maybe it's just Nick, but somehow I
don't think so. Please let me find out what's wrong with them, so I can fix
it. *Please*, let me be able to fix it.//
As Kevin surrendered to sleep, the shadow-painted walls seemed to
whisper sadly:
//There are some things you cannot fix.//
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A slim brunette rose from her seat and took the offered microphone.
She addressed her favorite musical group with a shaky, nervous voice.
"Have you found that success here in your home country is better than
the success you had in Europe?"
A.J. leaned forward to his microphone. "Well, of course it's really
satisfying to be loved at home, but success is pretty sweet wherever it is!"
The guys laughed and nodded in agreement.
A short girl in a Backstreet Boys T-shirt got the microphone next.
"Nick, I love you!" she squealed breathlessly.
Nick blushed. "Thank you."
"Is it hard being the youngest of the group?"
Ignoring the amused glances from his bandmates, Nick answered, "Yeah,
kinda. I mean, I get away with more than they do, but they're always
picking on me. And Kevin treats me like I'm about five."
"I do not!"
"Do too."
"I do not!"
"Do too!"
The fans giggled at the childish exchange, and a dark-haired young
woman stood up.
"Do you guys ever fight?"
Howie spoke up. "Well, yeah, but all brothers fight about dumb little
things. It never lasts long, though. A Backstreet fight never lasts more
than five minutes."
A.J. chuckled. "Less, with Howie around!"
"Yeah, I'm kinda the referee. Kev and Nicky butt heads the most,
'cause of their age difference I guess, but I try to keep 'em in line."
"A.J., you are so awesome! Where do you get your crazy hats?"
Brian glanced over at Nick, who noticed but didn't smile back. //I
don't blame him. Maybe we should have *asked* him again about seeing a
doctor instead of just *telling* him. This is just the type of thing ya do
to a five-year-old.//
"...anywhere, really. I drag these guys shopping with me wherever we
are. Gotta uphold my image, ya know!"
A blond woman raised her hand, and spoke with an accent. "Hello, I was
at the second concert you did in Munich three years ago -"
Howie interrupted. "Cool! I remember that."
"- and I was wondering why Nick wasn't there?"
Brian looked at Nick, expecting him to answer, and was startled to see
that Nick's face was suddenly paler than usual. None of the fans seemed to
notice, but the blond boy's fists were clenched on his lap and he looked as
though he felt nauseous.
//What the hell? Is he remembering the nightmares maybe?// Brian
thought for a moment. //Why *wasn't* Nicky there that night?//
Fortunately, Kevin remembered. "He was sick. We had to leave him at
the hotel."
The blond woman's eyes narrowed. "You left him alone when he was
sick?" she demanded.
A.J. answered. "Believe me, none of us are ever alone. And our
manager Lou stayed with him."
//Oh yeah. That was another time we practically had to drag Nick to
the doctor. He got better quickly - he always hated missing concerts. It's
nice of Lou to stay with him though, whenever he does miss them.//
Brian stepped out of his reverie to notice that Nick was answering a
question. The boy's color had returned a little, and his voice was calm and
unwavering.
"Of course we love our fans! We'd be nothing without you guys, and we
thank God for all of you every day."
The fans shrieked wildly, but Brian, lost in thought again, barely
heard them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So? Did you find something wrong with him?"
Dr. Raymond Brown frowned slightly at the man's impatience, but only
for a moment. He was accustomed to dealing with worried family members and
the two men before him, though not related to the patient by blood, were
quite obviously his family.
"Your young friend does not appear to be ill, Mr. Richardson. The only
physical problems I can find are overtiredness - probably due to the
nightmares you say he's been having - and that he's a bit underweight for
his age."
Brian nodded. "Yeah, his appetite's been off lately. We practically
have to force-feed him sometimes."
"Has he undergone any sort of trauma lately? Death of a loved one?
Problems with friends or family?"
"I don't think so," Kevin replied. "We're all really close - Nick
would tell us if something happened. At least, I hope he would." Kevin's
face became grim under the weight of doubt.
"Have you tried directly asking him what's wrong?"
"About a million times. He either says 'Nothing', or that he's just
tired."
"And the nightmares?"
"He won't talk about them," said Brian. "Whenever we ask what they're
about, he says that he can't remember and changes the subject."
Dr. Brown nodded. "I don't think it's a physical problem we have on
our hands."
Brian's eyes widened. "You mean there might be something...wrong with
him mentally?"
"I wouldn't say it like that. He's obviously not unstable. He's at a
very confusing age, as I'm sure you two both remember."
Kevin and Brian nodded.
"And I'm assuming his life these past few years has not been exactly
conventional. I can imagine the amount of pressure a person living that
kind of lifestyle deals with. His behavior may simply be a reaction to the
stress he's feeling."
"So, what would you suggest?" asked Kevin.
"If you like, I can recommend a good psychiatrist who could see Nick
while you're in the city."
Kevin closed his eyes for a moment, and exchanged looks with Brian. He
took a deep breath before he spoke.
"Please do, Doctor."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin strolled into Howie and A.J.'s room without knocking. "You guys
almost ready?"
"Kev, man, I coulda been naked in here or something!"
"Sorry Bone. You guys ready, or what?"
"Almost," said Howie. "Kev, which jacket - the Gucci or the Armani?"
"Gucci. Hey, nice ensemble, A.J. Ya look like the inside of a
kaleidoscope."
A.J. grinned crazily. It was true; he was wearing a colorful outfit
that not many people would be caught dead in. "Hey, can't risk being
unrecognized. Maybe if certain people wore something other than black, KEV,
I wouldn't have to compensate!"
"Kev, did ya call the shrink yet?" asked Howie.
"Yeah, she can fit Nick in on Thursday. So we've got two days to
convince him that this is a good idea."
"I dunno," said A.J. doubtfully. "I mean, if Nicky won't talk to *us*
about what's bothering him, why would he tell a total stranger?"
"Maybe it'll be easier for him to tell someone he doesn't know,"
suggested Howie. "No emotional involvement."
Kevin sighed. "Maybe. I'm really hoping he'll tell *us* first,
though."
"And if not," declared A.J., "we can bribe the shrink to threaten Nicky
with a lobotomy if he doesn't spill the beans!"
Howie smiled. "Those things are illegal now, Bone-head."
"So? I bet Nick doesn't know that."
"He's blond, A.J., not stupid."
Kevin interrupted. "Howie, just pick a jacket or we'll never get to
Lou's party."
Howie thought for a moment before pulling on the Gucci. "Are Bir and
Nick sure they don't wanna go?"
"Yeah. I don't want Nick to deal with any more than he has to right
now anyway, and Brian's seemed kinda off lately too. He insisted on staying
with Nick."
A.J. smirked. "Great, the two possible basket cases left alone
together. We'll come back and find 'em talking to their Beanie Babies."
"A.J.!"
A.J. turned to Howie, who had spoken. "Calm down, D! I was kidding!
Sheesh, you guys are all losing your sense of humor. I told B-Rok to quit
checking out my ass before and he freaked out."
"We're worried, A.J."
"You think I'm not? Humor's my whatdoyacallit...my defense mechanism.
It's my way of dealing with fear."
"It's your way of dealing with everything, Boner."
"Very good, D. Now hit me with a few clever knock-knock jokes."
Howie turned to Kevin. "Lou's gonna think Nick hates him or
something," he half-joked. "He didn't go to Lou's birthday party, or his
barbecue last month either."
Kevin frowned. "That's true. But why would Nick dislike Lou? We owe
our fame to him."
A.J. shrugged. "Maybe he's rebelling. Doesn't wanna be around older
people. 'Eeeww, adults', ya know?"
"We're adults. And Nick's eighteen now."
"Physically, yeah. But mentally Nick'll always be twelve, and God
bless him for it!"
Kevin shook his head at A.J. and moved to the door. "I'll meet you
guys at the limo. I just wanna check on Bri and Nick before we go."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hey cuz. You guys are gonna be late."
"I just came in to check on you guys before we go."
Brian smiled. "We're fine, Dad. We won't stay up too late, I
promise!"
"You're a laugh riot. Where's Nick?"
"Shower. He takes, like, four a day now."
Kevin frowned. "We'll mention that to the doctor."
"He's been doing that for a while now. I think he enjoys the
solitude."
"Maybe. Is he still mad about this afternoon?"
"I don't think so," said Brian. "But he's not too thrilled about
seeing the shrink. He mumbled something about us treating him like a baby,
but mostly he's been pretty quiet."
Kevin's frown deepened. "That's not normal either. God, I'd give
anything to know what's wrong with him!"
Brian nodded glumly. "Well, hopefully we'll know soon enough. Maybe I
can get it out of him before Thursday."
"Yeah, then maybe we can talk about what's bothering you, huh cuz?"
Brian stared at Kevin in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Something's bothering you, and it's more than Nick. Don't deny it."
"Yeah, okay. But let's concentrate on Nick for now."
Kevin opened the door, and hesitated. "'Least little Kaos is lucky
about one thing."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"He has a really great best friend. See ya later, cuz." Kevin smiled
as he strolled out, shutting the door behind him.
Brian shook his head at the silent walls. //No. I'm the lucky one.
Even if he never feels the same way I do.//
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Louis J. Pearlman warmly greeted Kevin, Howie and A.J. and ushered them
inside.
"I'm so glad you came, boys. Where are Brian and Nick?"
"Brian's gone solo. He's opening for Celine Dion now. And i sold Nick
to a band of gypsies. I'm the Cute One now!"
Kevin rolled his eyes. "You wish, A.J. Nick and Bri weren't feeling
well, Lou. They'll be okay."
"Good. You guys have some concerts coming up soon, you know."
"Don't worry," said a still-grinning A.J. "We'll rock. We always do."
Lou laughed heartily. "That's what I want to hear. Now come on, boys,
I have some people I want you to meet..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian sat Indian-style on his bed, pretending to read his Bible but
actually watching Nick, who was absorbed in the video game he was playing.
Nick loved video games. When he had the controller in his hand, he was
in charge. He chose his own actions and made every decision himself. No
schedule, no press, no having to smile no matter how he felt.
If only real life had a reset button too.
Nick had barely spoken in the last half-hour, save to say "Hiya,
Frick." He had come out of the bathroom in a robe, grabbed a T-shirt and
sweatpants and went back into the bathroom to put them on. Then he'd gone
straight for the Nintendo 64...
//Wait a sec,// Brian thought. //Is it just me, or lately does Nick
not seem to wanna change his clothes in front of us?//
Another voice, similar to Brian's own, spoke up in his mind. //It's
just you, Rok. You wanting to see your best friend naked, that is.//
//Shut up, it's not like that! We've all always changed our clothes in
front of eachother, it's not like that...//
//But it is. It is now. It is with *him*.//
//He's going through enough right now. The last thing he needs is his
best friend hitting on him.//
//I'm just trying to help.//
//Yeah, well, when I want your help I'll ask for it.//
//Okay then.//
Brian covered his eyes with his hand. //Great. I'm having
conversations with myself. And we're sending *Nicky* to the shrink...//
Brian scooted off the bed and sat on the floor beside Nick. "Hey
Frack, whatcha doin'?"
Nick didn't move. "Savin' the world from a big evil monster who kinda
looks like Kevin when he first wakes up."
Brian laughed, and after a moment Nick did too.
"Can I talk to you?"
"Sure, Frick. Go ahead."
"With the game off, I mean."
Nick rolled his eyes comically, saved his game and turned it off. He
sat facing Brian, patiently waiting.
Meanwhile, the voices had begun to speak in Brian's head again.
//Those gorgeous blue eyes. I could get lost in them.//
//Dude, snap out of it. You keep staring and he's gonna get
suspicious.//
//If I start babbling before I know what to say he may get even more
suspicious.//
//If I were him I'd be suspicious already.//
//This starting to sound like that movie "Clue".//
//Yeah, we oughta get an Oscar.//
//Will you please go away? I have to talk to-//
"Bri? You gonna talk, or what?"
Brian cleared his throat. "Was the dream last night very bad?"
Nick's face darkened, though he managed to keep his voice from shaking.
"I guess so."
"You can't remember it?"
Nick shook his head.
"Well, maybe the psychiatrist can figure it out."
Nick scowled. "I can't believe you guys are making me go to a shrink."
"We're worried."
"I keep telling you, I'm okay."
There was silence for a moment before Nick spoke again. "I talked to
Mom this afternoon. She sends her love to all you guys."
Brian smiled; he loved Nick's mother. "Have you told her about the
dreams?"
"Nah. She'd just get worried. You know how she is. Besides, it's not
that big a deal."
"Nick, if something upsets you it *is* a big deal."
"Bri, I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. Now, I'm kinda tired,
I'm gonna go to sleep, okay?"
"Okay, Nicky." Brian leaned forward and hugged his best friend. Nick
stiffened for a second, then hugged him back.
//Don't you say a word, little voice. If all he ever is is my little
brother and my best friend, he's still the best thing in my life.//
"I'm always here if you need to talk, Nicky."
Nick smiled. "I know. Thanks, Frick."
As the young blond began to drift into sleep, Brian smiled lovingly at
him. //How did I get so lucky, to get a best friend like you?// Brian
wondered.
Unbeknownst to him, the last thing Nick said to himself before slumber
took him was the same question.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A.J. slipped silently through the lively party-goers and took refuge by
one of the food tables. He stood quietly next to a large,
forbidding-looking plant and tried to be inconspicuous. For someone garbed
as insanely as A.J. McLean, it was not easy to hide. Even his new plant
friend could see that.
A.J. was too busy scanning the crowd to notice Howie come to his side,
and so jumped when his friend spoke. "Looking for babes, Bone?"
"Yike!" A.J. glared at Howie from behind his shades. "Don't do that,
D. And actually, I was-"
"Hiding from Lou," Howie finished.
"Yes, hiding from - No! Of course not! I was just, um, scoping for
some munchies. Ooh, look, cheesy things..."
Howie laughed. "Yeah, Bone. Come on, you're doing the same thing I am
- avoiding being dragged around and introduced to people whose names we'll
never remember. Fess up."
"Okay, okay. Where's Kev?"
Howie chuckled. "He couldn't escape."
"So ya just left him? Abandoned ship and left the Captain to face the
sharks alone? I'm surprised at you, Howard."
"Hey, in times like these, it's every Backstreet Boy for himself!"
"Hi, boys. Enjoying the party?"
"AAH!" This time, both A.J. *and* Howie jumped. They smiled guiltily
at Lou, who stood before them. Kevin was behind the manager, trying not to
laugh.
"It's great, Lou."
"Good. 'Nsync was going to be here too, but there were some scheduling
problems."
A.J. grinned. "How are the 'Nstink boys, anyway?"
"Good, good. You'll be seeing them pretty soon. And this time i
expect you to behave yourselves."
A.J. tried to look innocent. "What, *me*? I never did nothing to
'em!"
Kevin snorted. "Yeah, you just pulled Chris's pants down on live TV."
"Man, did you see Kurt Loder's face! That was the *best*!"
Howie spoke up. "They probably think we're all nuts."
"Nah," disagreed A.J. "We talked to 'em for all of ten minutes. It
usually takes people at least fifteen to know I'm crazy."
"Really?" Kevin laughed. "I knew within the first few seconds."
"Is that so? Ya know, Kev, much as I like the black ensemble you've
got goin' there, I think it could use a bit of color. Some yellow, maybe?"
"Huh?"
A.J. proceeded to make good use of the 'cheesy things'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As soon as he was certain Nick was asleep, Brian took his photo album
from its hiding place and sat on his bed, his back to Nick, and looked
through it.
Because they were so constantly together, the Backstreet Boys often
assumed that they knew everything about one another. But this album was
Brian's most closely-guarded secret...besides his sexuality, that is. It
was filled with pictures of Nick - group pictures, family pictures, a LOT of
solo pictures, and even a few baby pictures he had gotten from Nick's mom.
She had thought the request extremely cute.
//Yeah, I don't think Jane would have been so obliging if she knew how
you really felt about her little baby.//
//Quit it. I'm not in the mood for you right now.//
Brian smiled as he gently fingered one of his favorite photos, taken by
him the previous year. From the page the young blond grinned mischievously
up at him, hiding a water balloon behind his back.
//The little brat got me good with that thing. "Now quit taking
pictures of me!" he'd yelled. But I can't help it. The camera loves him.//
//Not as much as-//
//I know, I know. I'm so pathetic.//
Brian closed his eyes, lifted the book to his face and began to kiss
the picture. All this time he was oblivious to the sound of rustling
sheets...
"Bri? What're ya doing?"
//Oh my God.//
Brian whirled around and froze, holding the book close to him. Nick
stood before him, an amused look on his face.
"Lookin' at dirty pictures, Frick? What would your mommy say? Lemme
see..."
"No!" Nick snatched the book from Brian's hands and looked down at the
page his friend had been getting intimate with. Brian could only stare
dumbly as Nick lifted his head, an expression of confusion where the
amusement had been.
"Uh...Bri...what's going on?"
//I can't do this anymore.//
Brian sank to his knees and began to sob into his trembling hands.
"I'm so sorry, Nicky, I'm so..."
Nick, very confused by now, knelt down in front of his friend and
hugged him. "Bri, you're scaring me! What's wrong?! Please tell me, you
can tell me anything, you know that!"
Brian lifted his tear-stained face. The concern and panic in Nick's
eyes tore down every wall Brian had built up, and he blurted his secret out.
"I love you."
"I know, buddy, I love you too."
The older man took a deep breath through his sobs. "No, I mean...I'm
gay, and I'm in love with you."
He expected laughter. He expected anger. He had prepared himself for
"Very funny, Rok" and "You sick queer!" and "Our friendship's over!" He
expected anything but what he saw.
Nick's eyes widened as fear spread over his face. "No no no no no no,"
he murmured as he stumbled backwards toward the door. As though a beast
from one of his video games were chasing him, Nick ran out of the room.
Brian watched, his eyes overflowing, as the blond went into A.J. and Howie's
room and locked the door behind him.
//He hates me. God, what have I done?!//
No voice rose up to comfort or taunt him. As thousands of young fans
enjoyed their impossible dreams of Brian Littrell, their idol curled himself
into a ball, and wept as sorrow overwhelmed him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
After nearly fifteen minutes of sobbing, Brian began to regain his
composure. Slowly, he pushed himself up, only to sink dejectedly onto the
bed.
//You've gotta go talk to him. You've gotta fix this.//
//I can't. I've lost him.//
//You can't let that happen, Littrell, not as long as you're still
breathing! You know Nick! He was shocked, that's all. He'd never ditch
you over something like this.//
//If that's true, then why hasn't he come back in here?//
//Have the past few years taught you nothing? You're the big brother
here. You gotta make the first move. You gotta lead.//
//Yeah. Yeah.//
//So...lead.//
Brian stood up and moved purposefully up to A.J. and Howie's door. He
knocked softly, then harder. "Nick? It's Brian. Open up, please."
After a moment, the door swung open and Nick stood before him, a look
of quiet resignation on his face. Brian stepped inside and sat on A.J.'s
bed, gently patting the space next to him. Nick sat down, not as far from
Brian as he could have, but not as close either.
//God, is he scared to be near me?//
"Nick, I'm so sorry."
Nick's head snapped up, and deep blue eyes looked at Brian in
confusion. "For what?"
"For...for before. I upset you, and I'll understand if you d-don't
want to be...my friend anymore."
"We're still best friends, Brian...if you want to be."
A smile of relief dawned on Brian's face. "You mean you don't hate
me?" he asked incredulously.
"Frick, you are who you are. You can't help that. And you can't help
how you feel. So what if you're gay? You're still Brian. And as for the
other thing you told me..." Nick shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not really
sure how to react to that. It's gonna take time."
Brian paused his heartfelt thank-yous to God to say, "It doesn't have
to change anything. I'm not gonna molest ya or anything!"
Instead of the laugh he expected, Nick was silent.
"Nick, if you're okay with this then why did you run from me? Why did
you look so scared?"
Nick sighed. "I don't know. I wasn't thinking straight. I don't know
how I could have thought, even for a second, that you'd..."
"That I'd what? Try to force myself on you?"
Nick looked down at his lap. His pale face grew mournful, and his
mouth formed a hurt frown.
Suddenly, thoughts began to flash in Brian's head like pieces of a
jigsaw puzzle slamming together. Nick's nightmares. His weight loss and
poor appetite. His withdrawl from everyone. Not wanting to change clothes
in front of anybody. Jumping whenever he was touched. Showering
compulsively, as if he couldn't get clean enough. Going out of his way to
avoid Lou...
Lou...The answer was right there. It had been all along.
//Oh my God. No, please God, no!//
But the other voice was stronger, more sure, remembering the way Nick
would clam up whenever Lou entered the room, his almost frightening
insistence about not missing a show, the odd looks Lou would give him that
Brian had always dismissed as his own imagination...
//Yes. Oh my God, that's it.//
Brian fought in vain to keep his voice steady as he gently took Nick's
shoulders and made the boy face him.
"Nick, look at me."
Tear-filled eyes met his, and looking into them was like floating on an
ocean of pain.
//Oh I would to God I died before I ever saw that look on his face...//
"Nicky, has Lou been messing with you? Touching you?"
Nick's eyes overflowed, and he began to tremble in Brian's hands.
Suddenly he wasn't the young man whose experience had matured him early.
Instead he was again the little boy away from home for the first time, with
people he had thought he could trust, one of whom had betrayed him in the
worst way possible.
Nick nodded, and fell forward into Brian's arms, crying as though his
heart was slowly breaking inside him. Brian held him tightly, gently
rocking him, whispering words of comfort. He had no idea what he was saying
- every part of him was too shocked and horrified for logical thought - but
he was there, holding his best friend as years of repressed pain was
released. For the time, it was enough.
~To be continued...~