Date: Sat, 22 Jul 2000 01:02:35 EDT
From: Dara Lynn <daralynn_writings@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boy Bands/ Any Path, part 4
Yes, it's me again, here with part 4. As usual, thanks go first, this time
to, as always, David the Archiver for all his hard work making us happy, and
to all those who have written with nice comments about "Any Path", including
Dennis, Neena, Lissa and Ally. I never expected to get so much feedback,
especially for a story with no sex in it :), but it's meant the world to me.
Thank you.
LEGAL CRAP - I don't know the Backstreet Boys or 'Nsync. If I did, do you
think I'd have time to write? :)
Okay, enough yapping...here goes...
~Any Path~ by DaraLynn
PART FOUR
"All you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be." - Pink Floyd, "Breathe"
~The Fourth Session~
Brian smiled opnely at Dr. Gorman as he sat down. He was, the doctor
thought, looking better with each appointment.
"Hiya, Doc."
"Good to see you, Brian, as always. You seem very cheerful today."
"A big weight's fallen off my shoulders. I told the rest of the group
I'm gay."
The doctor was delighted. "Congratulations! Tell me about it."
"Well, remember the note I got from J.C.? That kinda set things in
motion..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello?"
"J.C.? It's Brian Littrell."
"Oh, hey, Bri! I'm glad you called. How are ya?"
"Not bad. A.J. dragged the other guys shopping, and I didn't feel like
going, so I thought I'd call. How are *you* guys?"
J.C. groaned. "Okay *now*. Last night Joey had a little too much to
drink before he got back to the hotel and tried to jump off the roof."
"Oh my God!" Brian gasped. "Is he okay?"
"Yeah, Chris tackled him in time. Joey tends to think he's Superman
when he drinks. One time he kept calling me Lex Luthor and insisting that
his pillows were stuffed with kryptonite."
Brian giggled at the mental pictures he was getting from this. "I hope
this isn't a bad time..."
"No way! Actually, I'm kinda flyin' solo right now too. Lance and
Chris are at a meeting - lot to figure out now that we're leaving TransCon -
Joey's sleeping it off, and Justin's doing an interview. So your timing's
good."
"Good." Brian fiddled absent-mindedly with the cross around his neck.
"Um, you said in the note that you wanted to talk to me?"
"Yeah. Bri, you're gay, right?"
//Oh my God.//
"Bri?"
Miraculously, Brian found his voice. "How-how did you know?"
"'Cause I am too. Nobody gets under my gay-dar."
"You are too?!"
"Yep. People are always surprised, especially those who think all gay
guys are flamers in pink. Anyways, I figured you might need someone to talk
to. The other Backstreet Boys don't know, do they?"
"Just Nick."
J.C. wasn't surprised. "Your best friend. How'd he take it?"
Brian sighed. "Amazingly well, especially considering I also told him
I'm in love with him."
"Whoa. That's one incredible kid. You gonna tell the others?"
"Yeah, I guess I should. I'm just scared that things will change."
"So was I. But things are supposed to change, Bri. And sometimes
changes are better. What, are you worried they'll be grossed out or
something?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
J.C. paused. "You know, before I came out to the guys, I was terrified
of what they might say. Justin's known longer, and he was always fine, but
I wasn't so certain about Lance, Chris and Joey. I started doubting myself
at everything I did, questioning every word, every action."
"Yeah, exactly!" Brian agreed.
"I love these guys, ya know. I knew I wouldn't be happy without them,
so for the time, it seemed safer to stay hidden, however unhappy it made me.
But then one day I realized that the way I was going is no way to live.
"You know what I think life's all about, Bri? I think it's about
making yourself whole. Everything we do, everything we touch, everyone we
love...it's all about completing yourself. It's like, 'Nsync is part of me.
If I'm not being honest with them, then I'm lying to myself too."
"Wow," Brian murmured. He had never heard the quiet, serious J.C.
speak so openly. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"I'm not trying to tell you what to do, Bri. Everyone's gotta follow
their own heart..."
//Their path...//
"...and I know what you're going through, it's the loneliest feeling in
the world. But sometimes I think ya just gotta move forward. Bri, those
guys love you. You're a family - I know how it is. The bond you have with
those guys will be there forever. This won't break you."
Brian considered J.C.'s heartfelt words, as he and his inner voice
spoke in his mind.
//What was it A.J. said, that day when we were signed...//
//He said he always thought there was something very special about
being in a group, that people are stronger together...//
//And so we have been. Everything we've done, we've done together. Is
that what Nicky meant that night, when he said he wouldn't break, so
certain, despite the hell he's been through? And when he said he knew he
would get past this, because he has us?//
The Backstreet Boy felt tears hit his cheeks, as they fell from eyes
where realization was dawning.
//That's it. Alone people can fall apart, but that's why God gave us
families, familes we're born to and ones we choose ourselves. Some Fate
*we* make. Yes, Fate took my hand that day I left home, but I knew what I
wanted. I wanted to be whole. I didn't want to be alone anymore.//
//And you're not, Littrell. So why are you hiding? Why are you crying
so far away from them?//
"J.C., I'm going to tell the others when they get back."
J.C. smiled, but cautioned, "Bri, don't do it unless you're ready."
"I am. I really think I am now. Thank you, Josh."
"Any time. I'd wish you luck, but you don't need it - you've got great
friends."
Brian smiled, his tears beginning to dry. "And I'm proud to count you
among them. I'll talk to you later, Josh, 'kay?"
"You bet. Bye."
"Bye."
Brian hung up the phone. He reached under the mattress he was sitting
on and pulled out his photo album. Flipping to the back, he looked down
silently at a group picture taken years before. From the well-worn page,
the Backstreet Boys stood together, looking up with million-dollar smiles.
"I hope you're right, little voice," Brian whispered. "I don't ever
wanna be alone again."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Silence please, gentlemen; Mr. Littrell is about to address us.
Kindly hold all comments until he is finished speaking."
"Um, thanks Bone."
"Sure thing, Rok."
Brian exhaled deeply, and looked around at his friends from his place
on the bed. Noticing his hesitation, Nick went over and sat next to his
best friend. //We'll face this together,// the young blond's eyes seemed to
say.
With the other half of his heart next to him, Brian felt himself grow
stronger. "Guys, I'm gay."
Howie's jaw dropped open. Kevin blinked in surprise.
A.J. simply grinned. "So, decided at last to come out of that cramped
closet, huh? Finally! I thought I was gonna have to go in and get ya!."
"What?! You knew?!"
//Him *and* J.C.? What, is it stamped on my forehead?//
"Well, I was pretty sure. I just noticed that you don't check out
girls, like, ever. And I've caught you glancing at guys a few times."
"So...you're okay with it?"
"Hell yeah! In fact, I love it! More chicks for me!" A.J. laughed.
Kevin spoke up. "I'm glad you told us, cuz. Is *this* what's been
bothering you?"
"Part of it, yeah," Brian replied.
"I'm so relieved." Kevin smiled. "I was afraid it was something
serious."
Howie looked at Brian sympathetically, and gave him a quick hug. "Aw,
Rok, I'm sorry you felt you had to hide this. You don't have to go through
*anything* alone, man, not with us around!"
Tears of joy trailed down Brian's face as a crushing weight slid off
his shoulders. "Thank you, guys. Your acceptance of this means the world
to me."
Nick pushed him playfully, his fair face beaming. "Told ya they'd be
okay with it!"
"What?!" asked A.J. incredulously. "You told Blondie before us? Man,
you suck! Whoa, that phrase means a lot more now, huh Rok..."
A flying pillow cut him off.
"Thank you, D. And I didn't *plan* on telling Nick first. He...um..."
//No point stopping now...//
"...he found me kissing a picture of a guy, and I blurted it all out."
A.J. started cracking up. "Whose was it? Mel Gibson? David Boreanaz,
maybe?"
Howie and Kevin smiled, more in relief for Brian than amusement.
Nick spoke softly. "It was my picture."
That shut A.J. up. He, Howie and Kevin stared at their bandmates in
shock.
Howie spoke for all three of them. "Um...what?"
Brian nodded. "I'm in love with Nick. I care for him first and
foremost as my friend, but...there's more."
Kevin blinked in amazement. "Nick, are you..."
"No, I don't think so. Look, Brian told me how he feels. He can't
help it, and even though I don't feel the same way, we're not gonna let it
hurt our friendship."
They seemed to accept this. After everything that had happened
recently, nothing seemed unbelievable anymore.
Kevin slipped into group-dad mode. "Brian, I'm glad that you're
dealing with this so well, but...Nick, are you sure you're okay with this?
After what's happened and all..."
Nick jumped up, his face flushing with sudden anger. "What the HELL is
that supposed to mean?! You think Brian would ever-"
"No!" Kevin stood, his eyes wide. "Of course not! I just meant-"
"Kevin, I'm not a baby! Just because some perverted asshole abused me
doesn't mean I can't deal with my best friend's feelings!"
"Stop it!" Brian yelled, rising. "Please don't fight! Nick, I'm sure
Kevin didn't mean to imply that."
"Nick," explained Kevin, "I didn't mean I thought Brian would try to
take advantage of you. And I know you're not a baby. All I meant is that
you're dealing with a lot right now, and it kills me that I can't do
anything to fix it."
Nick looked at Kevin's pained face and realized his mistake.
"Oh God, Kev, I can't believe I said that to you..."
Kevin managed a smile. "It's okay, Nicky. You rushed to the defense
of your best buddy because you got the wrong idea. No harm done. But thank
you for not attacking me - I'm getting old, ya know. My bones are brittle."
Nick laughed as he was pulled into yet another hug.
"Thanks for being so understanding, Dad."
"Hey, anything for my little baby."
Nick suddenly went cold in Kevin's arms and pulled away. Kevin looked
with panic at the boy's terrified expression. But before he could speak,
Nick's wet eyes cleared and looked at him apologetically.
"What is it?! What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry, Kev," Nick whispered. "It's just...*he* used to call me
that...and-and every time I hear it...I remember everything-everything he
did to me..."
Nick, now sobbing so hard he could barely speak, began to slide to the
floor. Kevin caught him and held him tightly.
"I'm sorry, Nicky, I'll never say it again. It's okay, you're safe
now..."
Brian came up next to his oldest and youngest bandmates and wrapped his
arms around them. A.J. joined the group hug, followed immediately by Howie.
After a few minutes they pulled apart, but none moved far. Kevin
continued to hold Nick, whose sobs had settled to soft whimpers.
The blond spoke, clinging to Kevin still. "Guess I still have a long
way to go, huh?"
"We," corrected Howie. "We're all in this together."
"Yeah," agreed A.J. "Stronger together."
Brian smiled. "And we're all on the same road."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
~The Fourth Session, continued~
"Coming out to your friends must have been a tremendous relief," Dr.
Gorman commented.
"Oh yeah. You know, I've spent so much time with them, that I know
things about them no one else does. Lots of fans know that Howie irons his
pajamas, I guess, but they don't know he whistles Boyz II Men songs while he
does it. Kevin's so calm and level-headed, yeah, but people would be
surprised if they saw how nervous and jittery he was before our first
concerts. Any fan of Nick's will tell you that he loves to draw, but
they've never watched him sketch amazing portraits of people as a carelessly
as if he were scribbling a stick figure.
"And A.J....wow. He certainly lives up to his title of 'The Wild One',
but so few people get to see him as more. He loves to hear himself talk,
sure, but he can say some great things..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian fell backwards onto his bed so hard the pillows flew off. He
didn't care. He had just returned from a long "Meet and Greet" session.
Usually Brian liked Meet and Greets, but, while they weren't as tiring as
rehearsals with Sergeant Fatima, they were close.
//Maybe that's where those bouncy girls get all their energy from.
They drain it out of us.//
Brian immediately felt guilty for that thought. He honestly loved
their fans, all of them, but it wasn't a comfortable situation, dealing with
all those adoring girls who doodled "Mrs. Littrell" on their notebooks. He
couldn't have any romantic interest in females - that ability had left him
long ago. Then privacy had fled a few years later, and left a big mess
behind.
Plus, though Brian was handling his love's inability to return his
feelings very well - and he knew it - it was not fun to watch giggling young
females ogle *his* Nick. Presumably they had notebooks too, each one
scrawled with "Mrs. Carter".
//And they all have a better chance than I do,// Brian thought glumly.
//Too bad the pillows went flying, or I could smother myself with one. I
can see the headlines now - 'Brian Littrell's Tragic Death By Pillow'.//
That, strangely, cheered the young man up, enough so that he decided to
pay a visit to A.J. The other three Backstreet Boys were all out - Kevin
had gone with Nick to his appointment with Dr. Sadler, and Howie went to
visit a cousin that lived in the city. A.J. had actually left the Meet and
Greet early to do an online chat with fans, but he would be done soon, if
not already.
Brian entered A.J.'s room and plopped down on the floor in front of
Howie's bed.
A.J. glanced over at him before re-gluing his eyes to the laptop.
"Hey, Rok. Bored? Good. You can help me answer questions. Let's
see...aha. 'Does Brian wear boxers or briefs?'"
A.J.'s eyes glowed with amusement. "Hmm...I'll just put neither." The
keys clicked as he typed.
"Bone!" Brian shrieked.
"Just kidding. I told 'em you wear both...at the same time." He
grinned crazily.
Brian groaned. "Next question."
"Hmm...'Is it true that the Backstreet Boys are leaving TransCon and
why?' Damn, I'd hoped they wouldn't ask that again."
"Just give 'em the standard answer."
A.J. nodded. "Last question. 'A.J., what is your fondest Backstreet
memory?'"
He read aloud his answer as he typed it. "'There are an awful lot.
Getting signed, meeting the guys, our first concert, and the time in Arizona
when Howie sat on a cactus.'"
Brian laughed. "He's gonna kill you for that, Bone."
A.J. answered as he typed his good-byes and logged off. "He can't. It
would upset the cosmic balance of the universe. And I'd come back and haunt
the homicidal bastard."
He sat down next to his friend on the carpet. "So, Rok...wanna talk?"
"I want to know how you knew."
"That you're gay? I already told ya."
"Is it really that obvious?"
A.J. sighed. "No. I'm just observant. Look, Bri, is this really
what's bothering you?"
Brian pulled his knees up to his chest, his arms clasped around them.
"Yes. No. Yes. It's...it's this and it's everything else! Finding out
what happened to Nick, splitting from TransCon, admitting I'm gay
and...and..."
"And having to accept that you're not gonna get the guy you love?"
//I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry anymore!// Even as he
thought this, Brian's eyes began to water.
"Yeah. I mean, I could live the rest of my life having him just as my
best friend, and die thanking God for how lucky I've been. But every time I
look at him and think about how much I want him I feel terrible!"
A.J. yanked off his shades. "Terrible? Why?"
"Because he feels guilty about not wanting me back. Because he's been
through hell and having another guy lusting after him is probably the last
thing he wants. Because we raised him as much as his own parents did and
he's been like my little brother."
A.J. was silent for a moment. "Okay, first of all, if Nicky does feel
guilty, it's perfectly natural and it *will* go away in time. Besides, in
Nick's eyes, some guilt is a small price to pay for having you as a best
friend. Believe me, I know.
"Secondly, I'm probably just as shocked as you are about how well Nick
is coping with all of this. But he's a tough kid, Rok. He's had to be.
And one reason he's so strong is 'cause he knows we're right behind him. He
doesn't see you the way he does Lou, Bri. Lou is a sick, twisted
motherfucker who used a scared kid for his own perverted amusement. You're
a guy who would walk through fire for Nick, his best buddy. And you happen
to be in love with the kid. Nicky needs all the love he can get right now.
"By the way, not to get off topic or anything, but you're sure as hell
not the only guy who's got a thing for Blondie, Bri. Just look at Nifty."
"Look at what?" Brian asked. A.J. ignored him and continued speaking.
"And finally, you can't choose who you love. Yeah, Nick's pretty much
grown up in our care - man, he was just a baby when we got together! But
he's a young adult now. I'm damn proud of how he turned out, and I know all
you guys are too. Anyways, we're all family, but you two aren't
blood-related. If it was Kev you had a thing for, I'd be freaked, I admit.
But it's Nicky. He *is* the 'Cute One', and he's got a lot of good stuff
inside. If I were gay, I'd be nuts for him too. But I'm not. So all I can
do is plot ways to take over the kid's title, and try and comfort my buddy
'bout Kaos playin' for a different team. Has this helped at all, Bri?"
Brian was looking at his friend with admiration. "More like a lot,
Bone. Thanks."
"My pleasure. So, you wanna kick my ass at some Nintendo 64?"
Brian laughed as he headed to the door. "Sure. It'll be a refreshing
change, to win."
"Cool. I'll be right in - I just gotta call my mom."
"Give my love to her."
"Will do. You gonna tell *your* mom your little not-so-secret-anymore
secret?"
Brian fiddled nervously with his cross. "Yeah. Just not yet."
"Your mom rocks, Bri. Worst thing she'll do is try to fix ya up with
one of her friends' sons."
A.J.'s humor worked; Brian's smile returned.
"That's bad enough, believe me." He opened the door.
"Bri?"
"Yeah?" The older boy paused and turned around.
"I'm cool with ya being gay, but I got a question about it."
"Okay, what?"
"Does this mean you'll go shopping with me now?"
Brian, holding a straight face, shook his head and went to his room.
A.J. cackled mischievously as he grabbed the phone.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In other entertainment news, the Backstreet Boys, the Orlando-based
pop quintet, announced earlier last week that they are leaving
TransContinental, the company owned by their manager Louis Pearlman. In the
future they intend to be managed solely by Jive Records. In their brief
statement to the press, the group's lawyers stated that reasons for the
split include financial disagreements as well as personal ones. Neither Mr.
Pearlman nor TransContinental could yet be reached for comment.
"Rumor has it that Backstreet look-alikes 'Nsync are also planning a
split from TransCon, but this has not been confirmed. And in other news-"
Howie turned off the TV just as Brian entered the room.
"Hey D, when did you get back?"
"A few minutes ago." Howie sat down on his bed. "Were you asleep?"
"I hope so. One way or another I was unconscious for a while. Where'd
A.J. go?"
"He was here a minute ago. He said something about short-sheeting
Kevin's bed."
Brian smiled wistfully. It was the sort of thing he'd done when he was
younger.
"What's wrong?"
"D, I feel old."
Howie frowned. "Old? You're younger than me. You're not old. I
think it's just the weight of everything that's happened your feeling."
"Yeah, maybe."
"You still seeing the shrink?"
Brian nodded.
"Is it doing any good?"
"Yeah, definitely. He's great. Getting everything out in the open is
so..."
"Cleansing?"
Brian grinned. "Yeah! He kinda helps me look at things from a
different perspective. Sorts things out."
"Hmm. We're leaving the city soon. You gonna continue with him by
phone, like Nick's gonna do with his?"
"Maybe. I dunno."
A.J. strolled in and plopped down, his face alight with mischief.
"Hey guys, what's up?"
"Kevin's temperature, when he gets back. Seriously, Aje,
short-sheeting his bed? This isn't summer camp."
"That's why he'll never expect it, D. It's perfect."
"He'll get ya back. Kev may not be very good at practical jokes, but
if he asks Nick for help you are *dead*. Nick's the prankster king."
A.J. pouted. "How come he gets to be the 'Cute One' *and* the best
prankster? No fair!"
Brian shook his head. "Bone, man, you've got to get over that. You
wanna trade titles with me? Don't you like being the 'Crazy One'?"
"It's what I live for! And thanks, Bri, but no thanks. 'The Friendly
One'? Yuck."
"Thanks a lot."
"No problem."
"Ah, here you guys are." Kevin smiled as he entered the room, Nick
close behind him.
The five guys exchanged greetings. A small snicker escaped from A.J.,
and Kevin glared at him suspiciously. Like many parents, Kevin was good at
guessing what the other boys were up to.
//I know that look,// Kevin thought wearily. //He probably
short-sheeted my bed, or something stupid like that.//
Brian came up to give Nick a hug, and was startled to see how red the
younger boy's eyes were. "Nicky, you okay?"
Nick nodded. He smiled weakly and gave his best friend a quick hug.
"Yeah. I just got kinda upset when I was talking to the doc. No big. But
if Kevin asks me if I'm okay one more time, I'm gonna throw him out the
window."
Brian laughed. "Then *A.J.* can be the 'Responsible One'!"
The two friends laughed hysterically at the idea as A.J. stared at them
haughtily.
"I resent that. I mean thank you."
Kevin broke through the laughter. "Okay, guys, how 'bout we don our
disguises and go to the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner?"
The others agreed.
"Um...ya sure you don't wanna take a nap first, Kev?" A.J. suggested.
Kevin groaned, beginning to dread bedtime.
~To be continued...~
Comments welcome at DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com