Date: Mon, 04 Dec 2000 01:22:32 -0500
From: Dara Lynn <daralynn_writings@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boy bands/ Any Path/ Chosen Road, chapter 2
Finally, chapter 2! Sorry about this delay and all future ones...WordPad
hates me.
Anyways, I want to thank many people. First, my sounding board and twisted
twin Aph, who keeps me thinking and writing! Then David and Dennis, my
archivers, and Nifty, which rocks sooooo much!
And of course my wonderful friends and readers, who are too sweet to be
bothering with me, but they do it anyway! :) Sue, Red, Casey, Adam, Rick,
Coll (remind me to get a restraining order - she's dangerous! :)), Tripnots,
William (a new fan but already one of my favorites), Ray, Gabrielle, Jrok
(say sock :)), Kimberly, Crys, Jim, Vocal, aCi, Aimee, Wen, Ryan, NCFan,
Sophie, XxStarkisser, Dennis and anyone that I stupidly forgot - you guys
are the best! <hugs>
Um, I have sooo many stories I wanna plug, but I'm in a hurry, so next time.
For now, go read the two main stories that inspired this trilogy - "A Tale
of Two Boybands" and "Nsync: Lance n JC".
DISCLAIMER: <folds arms> Hmph. I'm not doing it. I'M NOT! All these
people are intelligent enough to know I don't know 'Nsync or BSB, or anyone
else in here who's real. So neener!! :)
Oh, yeah...this is a BSB chapter! :)
WARNING: Contains some dark, disturbing imagery.
Remember:
* * ---> around a word indicates emphasis on the word
// // ---> indicates thought
------ ----> between sections of text indicates change of time,
scenery or format
~ ~ ---> indicates memory
Okay, let's go...
~CHOSEN ROAD~
Chapter Two
"Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would..."
- "Frail", Jars of Clay
~Backstreet Boys Group Journal entry~
Diary thingy -
Yo. Since I'm the first one to write in this thing, I'm supposed
to explain what it's all about.
Nicky's shrink, Dr. Sadler, says that Kaos was not Fat Shithead's
only victim, that we were all affected and hurt by what happened. So she
said that we, in addition to our individual diaries, should write down our
thoughts, feelings and concerns in a group journal. That way, if anyone
wants to say something but doesn't want to, you know, SAY it, the dude can
just write it in here, since we'll all be reading it.
Also, anyone's allowed to make an anonymous entry if they want.
Which isn't going to work too well since we know eachother's handwriting,
but anyways...
Thoughts, feelings and concerns.
Thoughts. At the moment I'm thinking about what a risky thing
this is. Guys, if the fans or the media ever get ahold of this thing we're
going to have a lot of explaining to do.
Feelings. What am I feeling? The usual, I guess. I wanna be the
Cute One, Nick's therapist is hella fine, and Fat Shithead should die a
horrible screaming death.
Concerns. Well, Brian's been a little too quiet lately. And
sorry Kaos, but I'm ALWAYS worried about you. That's what you get for being
the group baby.
Guess that's all for now.
- A.J. McLean
------------------------------------------------------------------------
~Backstreet Boys Group Journal entry~
Dear Journal,
Cute, Bone. For the last time, stay away from Dr. Sadler! The
last thing I need is my psycho friend stalking my shrink. Damn freak. :)
Thoughts. Right now I'm thinking about how nervous this thing
makes me. I know we have to be honest with eachother, face to face and on
paper, but this is going to be very hard.
Feelings. I feel much better than I used to. I still have
nightmares sometimes, and deep down there's a sort of sick feeling. The
memories, I guess. I had really thought by now I'd be past all this, past
feeling so scared and upset by what Lou did to me.
But I'm also feeling sort of optimistic. I'm starting to get
comfortable with the Firm and all the new people we work with, and Jeff is
cool, for a manager. :) And working on the new album is fun. I can't wait
till we start touring again - I miss seeing so many of the fans.
Concerns. I'm concerned about Brian too. Frick, PLEASE talk to
me.
And A.J., quit worrying. I'm okay.
- Nick Carter
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick tossed the pen down and quickly read over what he had written. He
sighed, and ran a hand through his fine blond hair.
//*Am* I okay?//
Nick frowned. //I don't remember what 'okay' feels like. I've been
messed up for too long, I guess.//
Sliding the group journal across his desk, the eighteen-year-old took a
different notebook from a drawer and opened it to a fresh page.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
~Personal Diary of Nickolas G. Carter entry~
Dear Diary,
I don't know what's wrong with me. I really thought I was getting
over all the shit I went through with Lou. But now old fears are bothering
me again, and even the nightmares seem to have returned.
Kevin and Dr. Sadler both think it's probably temporary, that some
buried stuff was pushed to the surface when Justin got hurt. I wish I knew
what *I* think.
Most of all, I wish Brian would talk to me. I mean, he talks to
me, but it's not the same. It used to be that we could say anything to
eachother...now it's like he's afraid to face me.
I guess I'm no better. I think I'm feeling something, something
not platonic, for my best friend. I know I should tell him. If these
feelings are real, if they last, maybe I could give him what he wants from
me. But...
I'm uncertain. And scared. Everything always comes back to that.
I'm scared.
- Nick
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As he always did, Nick entered Brian, Kevin and Howie's house without
knocking.
"Guys? Anyone here?"
A voice he identified as A.J.'s floated out from the kitchen. "In
here, Blondie!"
Rolling his eyes, Nick strolled into the kitchen and sank into a chair.
"Don't you guys have enough silly nicknames for me besides that one?
Maybe I should dye my hair."
A.J. suddenly looked stern. "The hell you will! *I'm* the hair-dyeing
one! Besides, every male pop group needs a blond one. It's a rule."
"Uh-huh. Where is everyone?"
"Kev went to a meeting with the management, Howie's visiting his mom
and Brian's off doing whatever it is he does when he's not with us."
Noticing Nick's sudden frown, A.J. spoke with concern. "What's wrong,
Nicky? It's B-Rok, isn't it?"
The blond nodded glumly. "Bone, if I didn't know better I'd say that
he hates me."
"Hates you?! Yeah, that'll happen the day ducks fly and Howie becomes
the drummer for Metallica."
"Ducks *do* fly, Boner."
"Penguins, then. They're man-made, you know. I have proof."
Nick smiled.
"Nick, Brian is *incapable* of hating you. He loves you, you know
that. God, he adores you."
"I know. But he's been so weird lately. We used to do everything
together, and now he's avoiding me."
A.J. shrugged. "Well, Rok's always been the most balanced of all of
us. But everyone has their off days, and times when they need space. I'm
sure that's all this is."
"I hope so." Nick glanced at his watch. "Oops, gotta go. Appointment
in twenty minutes."
A.J. grinned. "Isn't it weird that your therapist and Brian's old one
decided to combine their practices and move down here?"
"Very strange, like it's part of some story plot. But I'm glad they
did. See ya, Bone." Nick headed for the door.
"Give my love to that *fine* shrink of yours!" A.J. called.
"Kiss my ass, Bonehead."
A.J. smiled with satisfaction. Deciding to wait there for Brian, the
twenty-year-old looked around for a way to pass the time till his friend
arrived. His eyes fell on the bowl of fruit on the table, and widened
mischievously.
When Brian came in about five minutes later, he looked suspiciously
around the kitchen.
"Bone?"
"Yes, Rok?"
"Why are there apples all over the floor? Never mind, I don't wanna
know." Brian shook his head with mild amusement as he took a seat.
"Bri, I need to talk to you."
"Okay."
"It's about Nick," A.J. began.
Brian visibly tensed up. "What about Nick?"
"Are you mad at him or something? He says you're avoiding him."
Brian looked away.
"Come on, Rok. Talk to *me*, if you can't talk to him."
"I'm not mad at him, A.J., not at all. I'm just frustrated. It's hard
for me to be around Frack a lot now."
"Why the sudden change?"
"Not so sudden. Bone, I never told you this, okay?"
"Sure, what?"
"Nick asked me to kiss him."
A.J. unfortunately had been drinking his Pepsi at the moment, and in
surprise he spit it out over the table, drenching what was left of the
fruit.
Brian smiled a little. "Yeah, that's what *I* said."
"When? Why?!"
"It was the day Justin was found. Nick told me that he was confused,
like he wasn't sure if he was straight or gay or bi or whatever. He thought
maybe if I kissed him that would help him figure it out."
"And you did it?"
"Maybe it was wrong to do. But Bone, I couldn't help it. I'd been
wanting to kiss him for so long..."
A.J. couldn't help but smile. "How was it?"
"Oh...it was incredible. I actually heard music."
"Wedding bells or choir music?"
Brian pushed him playfully. "More like choir."
"Hmm. And how was it for him?"
"That's the weird thing. He responded to it, and I'd swear that he
even got a little dazed. But he said he didn't feel anything, and he
wouldn't look at me afterwards."
"Yipe. Well, I'm no expert, but maybe he *did* feel something, but
he's afraid of it."
Brian shook his head. "No, don't give me hope, Bone. It looks like
I'll maybe have to live without hope. And love."
A.J. frowned sadly. "Bri, there are other guys out there."
"For me, there's only Nick. And I don't think that's ever going to
change. Pathetic, I know."
"I dunno. It's kinda romantic."
Brian snorted. "Yeah. So was the Lady of Shalott's story."
A.J. looked at him with confusion, wondering what onions had to do with
all this.
"A poem by Tennyson, Aje." As Brian spoke he gently fingered the group
diary that Nick had left on the table. "When the Lady of Shalott falls in
love, a curse comes upon her."
"What happens to her?"
"She dies."
"Um...Rok...should I be removing all the pills and sharp things from
this place?"
Brian laughed. "No, I'm okay. For me, love's not a curse. Really.
It's a blessing."
//The hardest and most painful gift I've ever been given.//
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello?"
"Jake? It's Brian."
"Oh, if it isn't my pop-star friend! Glad to see you still remember
the little people, Bri."
Brian laughed into the phone. "I need to talk to you."
"Go ahead, hon."
"No, I mean in person. Can you meet me tonight?"
"Sure. I was planning on clubbing anyway. Is ten okay?"
"Yeah, where?"
"You know where the club called 'Lucid' is?"
"I think so," answered Brian.
"Terrif. This wouldn't happen to be about that gorgeous little blond
who stole your heart, would it?"
The singer's eyes closed. "Actually, it is. I'll tell you tonight."
"'Kay, see you then. Bye bye, hon."
"Bye."
Brian scribbled on a piece of a paper and tossed it onto his dresser.
He sank onto the bed, and with an aching heart picked up a framed photograph
from the night-stand.
It was a picture of he and Nick, smiling into the camera as the sandy
expanse of a beach stretched out behind them. Brian's arm was in one of its
favorite places, around Nick, and the young blond clung to him just as
tightly.
//Oh, Nicky. Baby, I *want* to talk to you, I want to be close to you
every second. I just...I just don't fully trust myself around you. What
kind of person does that make me?//
//A human one, maybe?//
//Great, *you* again. What's wrong with me?! I can't even be with my
best friend for too long 'cause I'm afraid I'll lose control.//
//Get real, Littrell. You'd never make a blatant move on him. You're
just panicking now because all the frustration of the past few years has
been building up. The emotional dam is starting to burst.//
//Dam the damn.//
//Don't you mean 'damn the dam'?//
//Whatever.//
Brian leaned forward to rest his head in his hands. //Please, God,
help me. Help me stop punishing Nick for my problems. If I can't have the
love of my life, at least let me have my little brother.//
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The blonde psychiatrist sat in her armchair with a relaxed, but
confident posture. She was thirty-three, but could pass for twenty-five
with little difficulty. A pen poised in her left hand over a folder of
notes, she observed her young patient concernedly.
"Nick, you seem very troubled. Talk to me, let it out."
"Doc, something is...happening to me. It's not *bad*, but it's
confusing. The last thing I ever expected." He hesitated.
Dr. Desiree Sadler by this time knew Nick well enough to know that he
was clamming up. She thought about what to say to keep him interested and
talking, and chose her words carefully.
"Well, sometimes the best things come when you're not looking for
them." She smiled. "Me, for example."
"Huh?" Nick looked at her curiously.
"You could say I was...unplanned. My parents had the same views on
parenthood when they married, as in they didn't want it. Not that they
disliked kids. It was more like, 'Oh, it's such a tremendous
responsibility', 'How could we bring a child into such a cruel
world?'...that sort of thing."
"So they never intended to have any kids?"
"Right. They took every precaution. And then, about two years after
the wedding, my mother found out she was pregnant."
"Whoa. How'd they take it?"
The doctor chuckled. "They were pretty terrified. They couldn't bear
the idea of giving me up for adoption, so the bravely accepted the fact that
their lives were going to change forever. As time passed,
they began to stop dwelling on all the problems and worries of being
parents, and started to discover the joys. By the time I was born they
couldn't believe they'd ever not wanted a child."
"Wow. Were they good parents?"
"Oh, the best. They didn't tell me this story till I was your age,
because they were afraid I'd think of myself as a mistake, instead of
something that was meant to be. That's why they named me Desiree."
Nick looked at her questioningly.
"It's French. It means...'wanted'."
Nick smiled. "So, the moral of the story is that change isn't bad,
that happiness comes in many disguises, that the best stuff arrives
unlooked-for?"
She laughed. "Good, I've gotten my point across." The doctor's face
became serious again. "This is about Brian, isn't it?"
Nick sighed. "That obvious? Yeah. It's like...we've been best
friends since I was thirteen. Brian knows me better than anyone. I've
never been so close to anybody in my life. And he wants me...closer."
"Do *you* want that?"
"The more I think about it, the more I *do*. But it would be so weird.
It's been platonic for so long."
Dr. Sadler was silent for a moment. "Nick, as your therapist, I'm
neither able nor willing to tell you that matters of the heart always work
out to a happy ending. I didn't believe that at eighteen, and I'm guessing
you don't either. But as your friend I'll say this - I truly believe you
have feelings for Brian, and we know he has feelings for you. If I were
you, I'd give it a try."
"I don't want to somehow end up hurting him."
"If you deny what you feel you hurt *yourself*, Nick. And wouldn't
*that* hurt Brian?"
"Yeah, it would. I *do* want to give this a chance, Doc. This thing
I'm feeling for Brian...it's getting stronger every day. But, how can I
love my best friend like that?"
A thoughtful look crossed Dr. Sadler's face. "My mother wrote
something in my high school yearbook that I'll always remember...'It's not
what we lose that we love the most. It's what we learn to love over time,
the things that have been part of our existence for so long. We see them
all the time, and yet we don't see them truly until we look with our
innermost hearts.That love is a journey. It's the song within us worth
living and dying for, the grace that poets exalt and dreamers weep for.
That's the bond that keeps people together through all life's joy and
madness. The love of what's right beside you, that travels with you on your
chosen road.'"
Nick let out a deep breath. "Whoa. Your mom's quite a person."
Dr. Sadler smiled. "Most mothers are."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Dammit, Frick. Where could you have gone?" The words echoed vaguely
between the walls of the silent house.
Nick's sharp eyes scanned Brian's bedroom for a few moments before
falling on a slip of paper. He read the scribbled words aloud - "Meet Jake,
10 p.m., club called 'Lucid'."
"Aha!" The young blond quickly memorized the address printed on the
note, and rushed out as fast as he'd come in.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"How did he seem to you after you kissed him?" the raven-haired man
inquired, taking a sip of his drink.
Brian didn't look up when he spoke, absent-mindedly doodling in the
wetness covering his glass. "He seemed...weird. Embarassed, maybe. He
wouldn't look at me."
"Like...upset? Angry?"
"No, more like confused. Jake, he responded to the kiss. And I'd
*swear* he was enjoying it."
Jake shrugged. "Bri, that doesn't mean a heck of a lot. Lips are
lips, male or female. Doesn't mean he's gay, *or* interested."
Brian slumped in his seat. "I know. Nick doesn't have much experience
sexually or romantically, and he's confused about what he wants, maybe. I
just wish I knew how he really felt when we kissed, if it really meant
nothing to him."
"So ask him."
"I can't! You don't understand. Nick is the sweetest, most loving
creature I've ever known. If he thought that this was *that* important to
me, he might end up getting into a relationship with me just to make me
happy. Even if he doesn't want it."
Jake's eyes widened. "He'd do that?"
"I couldn't guarantee he wouldn't. He's...God, he's incredible."
Jake grinned. "You've got it bad."
"Yeah. Well, they say love hurts."
His friend raised his glass. "Amen to that."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It wasn't until Nick entered the dim, noisy club that he realized he'd
forgotten his hat and sunglasses. As he mentally slapped himself for this,
he noticed two things - one, there were *no* women in sight, and two, there
were Backstreet Boys and 'Nsync posters on one wall, along with many
pictures of other young males.
//Great. I'm undisguised, in a gay club, where I could very well be
recognized. *This* is worthy of a 'Seventeen' article. Okay, calm down! I
just gotta find Brian and get outta here.//
Careful to avoid the posters with his likeness on them, Nick moved
slowly through the immense room, scanning the tables and dance floor. A
large man with spikey black hair smiled at him from the bar and
beckoned to him. Judging the stranger to be seemingly friendly enough, Nick
cautiously approached.
"Hi. You look kinda lost. First time here?"
"Um, yeah." Nick squirmed uncomfortably under the stranger's eyes,
which seemed to be examining him closely.
//STOP IT! Not everyone who looks at you wants to hurt you! You can't
be suspicious of everyone for the rest of your life!//
"Can I buy ya a drink?"
"Um, thanks, but I'm just looking for a friend."
"No problem, I understand. Hey, if you tell me what he looks like
maybe I can help. I've been here for a few hours, so I know most of the
faces in here right now."
Nick pulled a photograph out of his wallet. "This is him."
The stranger studied the picture. "Oh, yeah. He just came in a little
while ago. There are a few back rooms here, where people go to talk away
from all this noise - he's in one of them."
Nick breathed a sigh of relief. "Can you show me where?"
"Sure thing, follow me. Oh, by the way, I'm Tad."
"Nick."
"Good thing you talked to *me*, Nick. Not to make ya uncomfortable or
anything, but if you stay out here in the open much longer you're gonna get
hit on, big time."
Nick blushed a little as he followed Tad through the club. He noticed
with discomfort that Tad seemed to be right - almost everyone they passed
eyed the blond suggestively.
"Right back here - not much further..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian's eyes lifted from the table before him and widened. Jake
glanced behind him to where Brian was looking, then back at his friend.
"Bri? What's wrong?"
The Backstreet Boy frowned. "I thought I saw Nick."
Jake chuckled. "Man, you *do* have it bad!"
"I don't like this. I'd better go make sure. It probably wasn't him,
but..." Without another word, Brian stood up and began to push through the
crowd. Jake shrugged, and started to follow.
"Delusional gay pop stars, on the next Springer," he mumbled.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick looked in confusion at the room he'd entered, and didn't notice
that Tad had quietly closed the heavy door behind them. the room was
furnished simply with a few couches and chairs, but no one was
there.
"Huh? He's not here."
"Your friend? Nah. But now we have some privacy."
Nick took in the hungry expression on Tad's face and ran for the door.
Just before he reached it, rough hands grabbed Nick and slammed him against
the wall. The blond struggled, but his attacker was
considerably stronger.
"Get your fuckin' hands off me!" Nick screamed.
Tad delivered a stinging slap to Nick's face, with almost enough force
to knock him down.
"Too loud out there for anyone to hear you. Now calm down, I'm not
gonna hurt you..."
~Louis Pearlman traced his fingers up Nick's thigh as the
fifteen-year-old sobbed. "Relax, I'd never hurt you, Nicky."~
The rough hands moved over Nick's chest and stomach, undeterred by the
teenager's struggles and protests. "C'mon, you know you want it..."
~The cold eyes slid up and down the trembling body, the fingers never
hesitating. "I know you want it, my little baby. You think you can dance
like that out there and not turn people on? You don't have to say
anything..."~
Nick futilely continued to scream and fight as the cool extremities
moved under his shirt.
~The bulky hands began to unfasten the teenager's pants. "It's
play-time, Nicky."~
The chilling fingers moved down to Nick's jeans, feeling for the zipper
as Tad stared into terrified blue eyes. "Time to play, pretty boy. I'll
make you feel so -"
Suddenly Tad was knocked away, and Nick's tear-blurred vision revealed
Brian and a man he didn't recognize. Breathing heavily, Nick slowly slid
down the wall to the floor as the scene played out before him.
Brian was screaming with a anger none knew he possessed. "I'M GONNA
FUCKIN' KILL YOU! I'M GONNA TEAR YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!"
Mad with rage, he ran at his best friend's attacker. Tad managed to
shove him back, though he was surprised by the smaller man's strength.
He smirked at Brian. "What's wrong, not willing to share your pretty
fuck-toy? He wanted it, you know -"
Brian's fist flew with a power it had never before known, hitting Tad's
jaw with a sickening 'crack'. The assailant fell heavily to the floor, one
hand against his jaw, his eyes bulging with shock.
The 'polite' Backstreet Boy stared down at the stranger with a
frightening coldness. Jake's arms alone kept Brian from murder.
"Get out. NOW. If I ever see you again I will KILL you."
Brian's words could not be doubted. Tad stood and half-ran,
half-stumbled out of the room. The elder Backstreet Boy yanked his arms
away from Jake and ran to Nick, kneeling cautiously before him.
The blond singer was huddled against the wall. His knees were clasped
to his chest and his head rested on them, hiding his face. Nick was shaking
and quietly sobbing, repeatedly moaning something that sounded like "Why?"
Brian gently lifted the tear-stained face.
"Frack? It's okay, you're safe now." Brian felt himself choking up as
he peered into Nick's glistening blue orbs.
//That look. Oh god, that look...the same one I saw in his eyes when
he told me about Lou...//
Brian wrapped his arms around his best friend and rocked him soothingly
as he cried. "It's okay, Nicky. I'm here."
//Like those video games he loves, where as soon as you beat one
monster another is thrown at you. No, less fair even than that. Nick
hasn't gotten over what Lou did to him, and now this? WHY, God? Why, in
your fucking infinite wisdom did you make monsters that hurt your most
gentle and perfect creations?! And why can't I seem to protect him? Why?//
Brian ran a hand over the gleaming blond hair. "I'm sorry about the
monsters, Nicky, I'm so sorry..." he muttered, not seeming to realize he was
speaking out loud.
Jake watched all this, too stunned to even wonder about Brian's words.
A thousand thoughts and emotions flooded his brain, but he sat motionless
and silent on the tiled floor.
He had long thought about Brian's dilemma, even scorned him for giving
his heart so readily to a boy, hardly more than a child, who was thought to
be incapable of returning those feelings. Unbeknownst to
Jake, he was pondering many of the same questions as Brian - why this
friendly young man attracted the lewd attentions that he did, why such
joy-bringing beings were made so unhappy by a world in awe of them.
Justin Timberlake's kidnapping and now this? Jake had never met Nick in
person, and knew Brian too well to think of the blond as the saint his best
friend made him out to be. But if Brian loved him, he must be
special. Jake's eyes didn't move from the two singers huddled together
before him as he wiped away a tear.
//I've seen people I love waste away to death before my eyes, victims
of disease and pain,// he thought. //I've seen hate and cruelty and
prejudice in so many forms without weeping at all, because I believed that
kind of strength was worth having. I had to be strong, because we are *so*
frail. It is so horribly easy to shatter us, as though we're only tarnished
mirrors in which our lives reflect. I learned that life is pain and trial
more than anything, accepted it long ago...
//So why am I crying *now*?//
No words of explanation came. The only sound was the broken sobbing of
a victim, one of far too many.
~to be continued~
Feedback is not necessary to keep this story coming, but if you want to do
it send it here: DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com :)