Date: Sun, 08 Oct 2000 00:45:00 EDT
From: Dara Lynn <daralynn_writings@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boy bands/ No Painless Way, chapter 16

Wow.  Just...wow.  This is it, the last chapter of "NPW".  I'm getting all
emotional and stuff. :)
I know any of you who've stuck with the story this far are anxious to get
reading, but first I'd like to say how much I've enjoyed writing and sharing
this story, and how happy I am that I've been able to interact with all the
sweet, brilliant people I've met here at Nifty.  And I wish to thank David
and Dennis, my dear archivers, and offer a very very heart-felt thank-you to
every person who wrote to me about "NPW".  Your feedback has been an
incredible boost to my self-esteem, and it has encouraged me to keep
writing.
At the moment I'm hard at work on a sequel, the last story of the "Any Path"
trilogy, and as soon as it's done I'll start sending it.  But I'm working on
other stuff too, so...who knows?  I won't be away long, and I can't stay
away from this place for more than a day anyways. :)
There simply isn't space or brain-power to thank EVERYONE, but please
forgive me if I single two people out...
Kevin, the writer of "Nsync: Lance n JC", for unwittingly dragging me into
the 'Nsync fandom; and Aphrodite, the author of "A Tale of Two Boybands"
(whom you might remember, as said before chapter 2, this story is dedicated
to) for being such an insightful, inspiring friend.  You two were my main
inspiration to write and I thank you so much for it.

<sigh>  Okay, I'm rambling enough.  Grab some tissues, and skip the
disclaimer (yeah, like you weren't gonna anyway). :)

DISCLAIMER:  Own?  No.  Imply?  No.  Hope?  Hmm...not telling.  And didn't I
just tell you to skip this? :)



~NO PAINLESS WAY~                by DaraLynn
Chapter 16



"If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace..."
                    - "Full of Grace", Sarah McLachlan



(one week later)


     Joshua Scott Chasez squinted weakly.  The corridor of the private
hospital, a shiny, clean white, was too bright for his sore eyes.  He rubbed
them harshly, and put his attention back on the door before him as he
thought about the last week.
     The kidnapping case was solved, closed.  Jared Hawke, two others of
Colin Elwood's security, Elwood himself, and who knew how many others...they
were all dead.
     Timothy Korman was in jail, and his wife and daughter were starting a
new life under new names, waiting for him.  Perhaps, after all this, they
would find peace, and forgiveness.
     The large 'Nsync family was trying to pick up the shattered pieces of
the happy lives they'd once known.  One life in particular.
     Justin...Justin simply wasn't *there*.  According to the many doctors
and therapists brought in, the rape physically had done little real damage.
But emotionally, he was frozen.  Trauma had caused him to retreat deep into
his mind.  He didn't speak, and hardly moved at all.  The doctors said
Justin possibly could hear them, but he wouldn't come out.  Coming out meant
facing and working through the pain he'd hidden to avoid.  It could happen
any time...or maybe never.
     The family tried to remain hopeful.  'Nsync, the bodyguards, the
Harlesses and the Timberlakes were all still in Orlando, and they were with
Justin every day.
     Despite their busy schedule, the Backstreet Boys had skipped a
rehearsal to drop in and see Justin.  Four had gone in, and Brian remained
outside, trying to comfort J.C.  After a few minutes Brian wondered how *he*
would react if he lost Nick this way, and so instead of speaking empty
words, sat mutely next to J.C.  That had helped J.C. more, simply knowing
that his friend was there for him.
     J.C. had spoken to Nick, hoping to get his input on Justin's condition.
     "It's something I think I came close to," the youngest Backstreet Boy
had said.  "Sometimes it seemed like the only way out.  Justin was even more
trapped than I was.  But I don't think he's gone forever, J.C.  He retreated
to save his sanity.  I don't think he would have done that if he intended to
leave us."
     "So what can I do?"
     "I'm not sure there *is* anything.  *He* has to make the choice.  We
can't go in and get him.  It's up to Justin."
     J.C. shook his thoughts away as the door he stared at opened and Lynn
shut it behind her.  The fake smile plastered to her face fell away, and she
cried in J.C.'s arms.
     "He'll come back, Lynn.  We can't give up."
     She nodded, wiping her eyes.
     "I know, Joshua.  I'd just...I'd give anything to have my baby back..."
     He hugged her again.  "I know.  I'm gonna go back in, okay?"
     "Okay.  Remember what Dr. Rand said.  Act casual and happy."
     J.C. nodded glumly, trying to perk up as he had countless times over
the past week.  Dr. Rand had said that a cheerful atmosphere would be more
likely to draw Justin out.
     As Lynn headed down the hallway, J.C. gripped the doorknob, turning it
slowly.
     //Fuck it.  I've been lying to him with a fake smile nearly every
second we've been together.  I'm not doing it anymore.  If he knows how much
I'm hurting, maybe he'll come back to us.  To me.//
     J.C. walked into the sun-lit room.  Justin was sitting Indian-style on
the bed, frowning vacantly into space.  Dressed in his usual baby blue, he
looked like the old Justin.  But his dull eyes told a different story.
     J.C. sat gently in front of his love, and took the limp hands.
     "Hi, Justin."
     He kissed the top of the boy's head, breathing in the damp scent of the
freshly-washed curls.
     "Just, I know the docs said we should act happy around you, and that's
what I've bee trying to do, but that's not how I feel.  You know me...if I
don't have you smiling at me, giggling, just being you, part of me is
missing.  The best part.  But Lance thinks I have the best chance of getting
you back, so I'm gonna say what's in my heart, as well as I can.
     "Justin, the day we met, something...something *changed* in me.
Suddenly I had a reason to keep getting up in the morning, keep smiling,
keep breathing.  You were so young and small, but inside you I could see
this strength, this incredible spirit, and at that moment I knew why I was
born.  I gave you my heart then, and I gave it gladly, even though I thought
you'd never look at me the same way, and you've cared for it so well.  Now I
have *your* heart, but the rest of you is gone, and I don't know what to
do."
     J.C. clutched the pliant hands firmly, entwining the fingers in his
own.  Tears rushed past his cheeks as he gazed into the unfocused blue eyes.
     "Curly, I have great friends, and a loving family.  I have my music and
people around the world who care about me.  But..." he began to sob, "...if
I don't have you *none* of that matters.  Just, we understand eachother like
no one else could, we always have.  Baby, *please* don't leave me.  God, I
can't be more alone than I already am..."
     The older man wept brokenly, his head bent downwards.
     Something faint stirred in the vacant eyes.
     //Josh.  Josh is crying.//
     The limp fingers moved weakly, slightly squeezing the hands that held
them.
     J.C. looked up, his face glowing with sudden hope.
     "Justin, tell me what I can do to bring you back.  Tell me where you
are!"
     A memory rose in J.C.'s mind, of a time when life still had
possibility.
     ~How do you do that, Josh?~
     ~What?~
     ~When I feel so hurt that I start to sink, you bring me back.  It's
like you go down to where I am, so I don't have to come out alone.~
     J.C.'s eyes widened.
     ~It's like you go down to where I am, so I don't have to come out
alone.~
     "You're *not* alone, Justin.  Not ever."
     J.C. locked eyes with the withdrawn teenager.  Slowly, the older man's
face copied the boy's morose frown, and he let himself sink into the sadness
he felt.  Not a sound troubled the pair as J.C. searched his love's eyes for
the other half of himself.
     Deep in the fragile shell he wore, Justin was awakening.
     //Josh?//
     Justin began to push upward, wincing at the nearly-forgotten pain that
pricked at him.  It would take time and courage to work through, but the boy
realized that he *could* get past all that, as the being he loved more than
anything called to him.
     "Justin, come back to me.  Don't make me live without you.  You're safe
now, you're with me..."
     It was like swimming upward through murky water, clouded with all the
troubles life had to offer.  But one thought kept Justin pushing, forcing
his way back up.
     //Josh.  I can't hide anymore.  Josh needs me, and I need him.  He's
worth it all, worth everything I've gone through and everything to come.//
     The smaller hands squeezed J.C.'s again, a bit harder this time.
     "That's it, baby.  You're not alone, I'm right here.  Come back or
somehow I'm going down there.  I'm not losing you, not now, not ever.  I
love you."
     The soulful blue eyes came alive as Justin broke the surface.  The soft
voice was the sweetest music J.C. had ever heard.
     "I love you too, Josh."
     "Justin!"
     The older man sobbed with relief as he took the teenager into his arms.
  Justin hugged him back, and for perhaps the first time they wept together.
     J.C. moaned with joy at the life tingling in the beautiful creature he
held, the fulfillment of every wish in his heart.  He sobbed what might have
been a thank-you as Justin's arms tightened around him.
     //God, I never knew how *empty* my heart was, until he filled it.//
     A shocked gasp from the doorway startled the soulmates apart, and they
looked over.
     Lynn Harless stood there, hands against her mouth, her face glowing
with the wonder a miracle brings.
     Justin, still weak but recalled to life, met his mother halfway,
laughing with joy and weeping at memory, both at the same time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
~EPILOGUE - A FEW MONTHS LATER~


     The day was sunny, and the flawless azure sky painted Justin's favorite
color.  In the peaceful silence of the cemetery, two pairs of sneakers
shuffled side by side through the leafy grass.  The blond and his
brown-haired companion held hands as they wove deftly, like the dancers they
were, through the solemn markers.
     The older man seemed uneasy.  "Justin, baby, are you sure you wanna do
this?"
     The angelic-looking, curly-haired blond smiled, as brightly as he had
before the shadow had touched him.
     "Yes, Josh.  I'm okay.  And Dr. Gorman said that if I feel ready to do
this, I should.  It will help give me a sense of closure."
     J.C. grinned at the younger man's expression, and at the mention of his
love's therapist, somewhat new to Orlando but no novice at helping troubled
young pop singers.  As always, he couldn't say no to Justin, especially not
today - with the teenager's hand in his and the sweet scent of lilies
hanging in the air.
     "Okay."
     Bees buzzed soothingly in the glittering air, and far off somewhere,
birds chirped as if in response.  J.C. grinned absurdly, thinking that they
might be discussing the two humans intruding on the hallowed ground that
idyllic afternoon.  Or perhaps the weather, or some other meaningless thing.
     Justin led his boyfriend to their destination, a new-looking white
tombstone that read 'Richard M. Crandall, 1964-1998, May He Rest In Peace'.
Wilted violets lay on the packed dirt in front of the stone, still fragrant
in the gentle breeze.
     Justin reverently laid the bouquet of lilies he carried down, and spoke
clearly.
     "Rick, I can never repay what you tried to do for me.  But I'll never
forget it, or you.  I know God's forgiven you, and we *will* meet again,
just like you hoped, in Heaven."
     J.C. spoke up, gazing first at the grave, then up at the boundless blue
sky.
     "That goes for me too.  Thank you, Rick, for trying to help my angel
when I wasn't there.  While you rest and forget grief, I'll protect him
always, until we join you up there and I can thank you in person."
     Justin squeezed J.C.'s hand, and slowly moved over to another stone
that caught his eye.  J.C. followed, and his eyes widened with alarm.  He
tried to pull Justin back as he read the name on the ornate marker - 'Colin
R. Elwood'.
     "Just, don't."
     J.C. glared angrily at the spot.  Only the angel beside him and the
memory of pain in Elwood's eyes kept J.C. from spitting on the dirt, or
worse.
     "Josh, it's okay.  I just want to say something."
     Justin's eyes blinked with salty tears, and he trembled a little in his
boyfriend's loving embrace.
     Addressing the tomb of his rapist, Justin whispered, "I hope you find
your Holy Grail."
     He snuggled against J.C.  "I've already found mine," the boy murmured.
     J.C. sighed with pleasure against the warm weight of his love.  He
lifted Justin's face, and their lips met.  The kiss was gentle, intimate,
the touching of two souls brought, at last, together, where they belonged.
     As the two walked back to the waiting limo and their bodyguards, Justin
giggled contentedly.  The sound combined with the birds' songs and the bees'
humming to make a different music, a melody of all that's good about being
alive.


                       ~FIN~    (for now)


AUTHOR'S NOTE:  For those of you unhappy about having missed the healing
process and everything between the epilogue and the part before it, fear
not.  The next story begins about 2 weeks after Justin is recovered, and
we'll get to see him and Josh building their new relationship.  And to the
BSB fans - I didn't forget them, they'll be around too!
Also, I'm presently working on a series called "Interludes", which are short
stories, vignettes I guess, that take place in between "Any Path" and "No
Painless Way".  I do plan to send them to Nifty, so keep an eye out for 'em!

Thank you for reading.  Comments (no flames) and questions are welcome at
DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com
Till then...bye bye bye!!! :)