Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000 04:00:37 EDT
From: Dara Lynn <daralynn_writings@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boybands/ No Painless Way, chapter 2

And the ayes have it!  Okay, by popular demand, "No Painless Way" will
continue to be posted here, if all goes well. <praying fervently>
Thanks go to Aphrodite, Lissa, Jim, Neena and Joanne for their kind words
and encouragement, and also to the many who wrote to encourage me to
continue with this story. I love you guys.  Much appreciation also to David
and Nifty for graciously archiving this story and all the many others I
enjoy.
Legal stuff - None of this is real and it implies nothing.  Members of
'Nsync may be gay, which is kewl, or they're not, which is kewl.  Same deal
with BSB.  I love 'em anyway.

Plugs -  "A Tale of Two Boybands", "Nsync: Lance n JC", "Superman Can't
Fly", "Tears In your Eyes", "Remembering Petticoat Lane", "Justin's Dark
Angel", "Justin's Real World", "A Love Like This", "A Little Bit of Love",
"Finding A Belief", "By My Side", "Hey Mickey" and I better stop now...

This story in its entirety is dedicated to my friend Aphrodite for
much-appreciated friendship, incredible understanding, and her sharing her
little blond angel with me. :)


Okay, on with the story...


~ANY PATH PART TWO : NO PAINLESS WAY~

~Chapter Two~

"...At the moment two souls merge,
All the universe holds its breath in wonder."  - Rebecca Worrell


     Justin, it seemed, flew straight from the plane into his mother's arms.
  "Mom!"
     Lynn Harless held her son tightly.  "My baby.  I missed you so
much...have you grown again?!"
     Justin nodded proudly.  "Soon I'll be taller than Josh!"
     "Over my dead body!"
     Lynn greeted J.C., Lance, Chris and Joey warmly, and they each hugged
the woman who had given 'Nsync their name.  After collecting the luggage,
they made their way outside inconspicuously.
     Justin laughed.  "Mom, what's with the limo?  We spend *enough* time in
these things!"
     "Hey, between you guys and your luggage, this is the only vehicle that
could fit us all!"
     Justin spent most of the ride staring excitedly out the tinted windows.
  Orlando.  Where everything was warm and familiar.
     //Man, I missed this place.//
     Justin was a little disappointed that his step-father and brother were
away, but knew he'd get to see them during phase two of their vacation,
after the other guys split up and left to see their own families.
     //I wonder if Jonathan remembers what I look like?//
     The thought was only half a jest.  Still, Justin reminded himself, the
kid had always been very patient with his big brother's absences, especially
considering his age, which was five.  The youngest 'Nsyncer often wished he
could spend more time with his little sibling.
     //At least I can see him next week.  I owe him about fifty games of
Candyland.//
     Justin only half-listened as J.C. talked to Lynn about how the move to
Jive was going, and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  It terrified him,
the threat he'd been under from Lou Pearlman, the knowledge that any time he
could've been put on the receiving end of Lou's disgusting attentions.
     //God, poor Nick.  And he kept quiet for my sake...//
     A wave of guilt washed through Justin, and he tried to push it away.
J.C. had told him countless times that it wasn't his fault, that he
shouldn't feel bad, that they should simply be grateful to Nick, 'cause
that's all they *could* do.  Josh had grown emotional at this statement, and
said, "God knows *I* am.  If anything ever happened to you..."
     J.C. said that phrase often, but never finished it, as though such a
situation was too horrible for him to contemplate.  Justin caught J.C.'s
eye, and they exchanged smiles.
     //Works both ways, Josh, believe me.//
     The boy stopped listening completely as his mother went over the room
assignments, as he knew already what they were to be.  Chris, Lance and Joey
would each be in a guest room, and J.C. would be in Justin's room.  Justin
had twin beds, one of which was permanently J.C.'s - Josh spent more time at
Justin's house than at his own.  Always had.
     When they finally reached the Harless residence, Justin excused himself
for a moment and went to his bedroom, wanting to look it alone, as he always
did first thing on a break.  His gaze, as he looked upon the familiar walls,
was almost reverent.
     Justin's eyes moved around slowly, resting on the freshly-made beds,
the framed pictures, the Michael Jordan poster, the autographed photo of
Janet Jackson.  The VCR with "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" inside it it; the
"WWJD?" bracelets; his Mickey Mouse Club jacket, too small to fit him now.
A thousand simple objects that, collectively, made up his life.  A life that
had begun long before the microphone first touched his hand.
     Justin walked slowly to the large case that held his cds and, almost
hesitantly, put his hand on the cool surface.  'Nsync's album was there,
placed alphabetically like the others, as casually as if it's owner wasn't
on the cover.
     //God that is so weird...//
     Justin slumped down on his bed.  He could almost see his younger self,
like a ghost, tacking up the poster, playing the music, wearing the jacket.
And J.C. was there too, in the room where they had practiced their lines,
where they had laughed maniacally over the dumbest things.  Where they had
exchanged thousands of words - "Shut up!", "Very funny", "What does 'crunk'
mean anyway?", "Do you think we'll ever be famous someday?", "What do you
dream about?"...and "I love you".  Where J.C. had blurted out his shameful
secret, and Justin had nearly cried at the apologetic tone of his friend's
voice.
     "Josh, it's okay.  I can deal with it."
     "Justin, I don't want this to change anything."
     "It won't, I promise."
     And it hadn't, not really.  Justin had never doubted J.C.'s love for
him, any more than he could have questioned his mother's, and he resolved to
simply love his best friend back with all the strength of his innocent
heart.  And so Josh remained both his protective shadow and his partner in
crime.  The laughter, the jokes, the food-fights and the bond between them
continued.  Nothing changed, except that J.C. would sometimes look at him
with a wistful expression, mourning for the subtle cruelty Fate had mixed
into his life.  Justin seldom caught these carefully-guarded slips, but when
he did he felt a sudden rage, never at J.C. but rather at himself, and God.
A despair, like he felt now, as he lay motionless on the still-warm
blankets.
     //God, why didn't you make me gay?  Why does Josh have to suffer like
this, why do I?  Why can't I just love him like he loves me?  Why can't I
give him that?//  The boy tormented himself with a thousand words of this
sort, and still, no answer came.
     //If I were gay, it would be better.  Josh is the best guy in the world
- I *know* I'd be happy with him.  Plus he *is* kinda hot-//
     Justin shot up to a sitting position.  //Okay, where did *that* come
from?  Friends don't think that about friends.//
     Another voice, the same as Justin's own, rose up to answer.  //This
isn't the first time you've thought that.  And anyway, Josh thinks that
about *you*.//
     //Yeah, but he's gay.//
     //Maybe you are too.  Ever think of that?//
     Justin blinked with surprise.  He'd been attracted to girls, sort of,
but never as much as other guys seemed to be.  He remembered how J.C. had
used to date girls, and even seem into them, but always his eyes had
returned to Justin.  They were beautiful eyes, even when they were sad...
     //Holy shit...am I falling for my best friend?//
------------------------------------------------------------------------

     J.C. sat at the table in the spacious Harless kitchen and stared
pensively into his coffee cup.  After the large welcome-home, Mexican-style
dinner, Lynn, Chris, Joey and Lance had all gone out to get ice cream and
horror movies.  J.C. had stayed behind to do some thinking (and digesting)
and Justin had gone outside, saying that he needed air.
     //Like I need him.  Well, maybe right now he needs me too.//
     Leaving the lukewarm coffee behind, J.C. headed out the back door to
the small basketball court.  Surprisingly, Justin was not showing off his
considerable skills or attempting to dunk - instead, he was sitting gloomily
on the pavement, slowly rolling the ball between his hands.  As he looked
up, his face brightened a little.
     "Hey, Josh."  He held the ball still on the ground in front of him.
     "Hey Curly.  You okay?"
     "Uh-huh."
     J.C. plopped down in front of his friend, and placed his hands gently
over Justin's.  "What is it, Just?"
     Justin chewed his bottom lip, which he often did when he was upset or
nervous.  "I'm so confused."
     J.C. smiled sympathetically.  "About what?"
     "Everything.  Nothing.  I-I'm not sure.  It's like, I'm scared, but I
don't know why, or of what.  I love times like this - being home, and still
having you guys around.  But I keep thinking that all this is only the calm
before the storm.  It doesn't make sense."
     The two friends locked eyes, and gazed at each other in silence.
Neither knew what to say, yet nothing needed to be said.  Overwhelmed by the
weight of the forbidding feeling gnawing at him, Justin closed his eyes.
After a few seconds, he felt J.C.'s hands tightening around his.  He looked,
and saw that the older boy's expression had grown as dark and sad as his
own.
     Before he could berate himself for this change, Justin felt J.C.'s
hands gently cup his face.  A faint smile crossed J.C.'s mouth, and it grew
as the hands slowly caressed the blond boy's skin.  As Justin looked into
his friend's eyes, he saw unconditional love and unspoken understanding
glowing within them.  In spite of himself, he began to smile too.  J.C.
sighed softly, and pulled the boy into a hug.
     "It's okay, kiddo.  We all feel like that sometimes."
     Justin snuggled closer.  "Josh, how do you do that?"
     "What?"
     Justin pulled back.  "When I feel so hurt that I start to sink, you
bring me back.  It's like you go down to where I am, so I don't have to come
out alone."
     J.C. mussed the blond's short curls.  "Hey, as far as I'm concerned,
with me around you don't have to do *anything* alone.  I'll even go to the
bathroom with ya."
     Justin giggled.  "Who do you think you are - Kevin?"
     "Ah, which reminds me - I talk to Brian before dinner."
     "Yeah?  How's he enjoying the out-of-the-closet life?  And the rest of
the Backdoor...oops, I mean, *Backstreet* Boys?"
     J.C. wore his usual doofy grin.  "Brian's good.  They're all good.
Nick's getting better, he says.  He's still seeing the shrink, but he's
allowed to go to the bathroom without Kevin now.  And Brian's getting a lot
more air now that he's out of that stuffy closet."
     Justin shook his head.  "Josh...how did you know you were gay?  How do
you *know* something like that?"
     J.C. took a deep breath.  "Well, it's different for everyone.  I guess
you know when you're not attracted to girls, when your sexual fantasies are
male, or maybe when a little voice inside you won't leave you alone about
it."
     //Yeah, I think I've met that voice.  Nosy bastard.//
     "How did *you* know?"
     J.C. didn't answer.
     "Josh?"
     He met Justin's eyes, and sighed resignedly.  "I knew the moment I
first saw you."
     //So you saw the truth of yourself in me.  Then tell me, what do I see
when I look at *you*?  I see arms that have rocked me to sleep, hands that
have brushed away my tears, the face that's watched me through my every
defeat and triumph for the past six years.  But it's more, and that's what
frightens me.  I'm scared of myself, of what I feel, of what could occur if
I let this happen.  Oh, Josh, I promised you nothing would change...so why
do I feel like nothing's ever gonna be the same again?//
     He smiled weakly at J.C., trying to fake the relief he didn't feel.  "I
heard a car.  I think they're back."
     Sure enough, Chris strolled up to the court, waving cheerfully.  "C'mon
guys!  I know you're busy doin' your Vulcan mind-melds or swapping stories
from the Disney days or whatever, but we got 'The Exorcist', 'The House On
Haunted Hill', 'Halloween' and 'The Shining'.  We're gonna see if we can't
make little Lancey-poo wet his pants.  Plus, we stocked up on Death By
Chocolate, Mint Chocolate Chip and Cookie Dough ice cream.  I plan to put on
at leats twenty pounds, just to spite Darren."
     "You're an example to us all, Chris," said Justin, as J.C. helped him
up.
     "Hey, no sweat.  All I ask in return is that when you two get married,
I get to be the Maid of Honor."
     J.C. smirked, and shoved Chris toward the door.  Neither turned back to
notice the thoughtful look in Justin's troubled eyes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

     It was dark, dark like the inside of something hollow, like a place
that isn't meant to be seen.  Justin stared fearfully into the void around
him, afraid to stay still, afraid to move.  It seemed to him that hushed
whispers echoed in the emptiness, and strange hands grabbed at him from all
directions.  He tried to pull away, but the fingers clutched at him harder.
A low chuckling was heard and-
     Justin woke up, screaming a name as naturally as a young child cries
for his mommy.  "JOSH!!!!"
     It seemed hardly an instant beofre J.C. was awake, out of bed and
pulling Justin into his arms.  "Sssh, it's okay baby, it was just a bad
dream..."
     "Don't let them touch me," the boy whimpered softly.
     J.C. rocked him gently.  "Them?  Them who?"
     "The hands...they keep grabbing me..."
     //Damn, this is probably about that shithead Lou.  Justin's fear was
bound to come out in some way.//
     "It's okay, baby, you're with me.  You're safe."
     Justin clung tighter to him, and J.C. couldn't help but smile at the
feel of his angel in his arms.  After several minutes, the boy stopped
trembling, and his breathing relaxed.
     "Are you okay, Curly?"
     Justin pulled back a little, so he could see J.C.'s face.  "I don't
know *how* I feel, Josh.  About...about you, I mean."
     "We're best friends, Just.  We have that love between us.  It's enough
for me."  //Liar.//
     "Josh...the thing is...I'm not sure if it's enough for *me*."
     Time froze, and the silence was enough to hear every clock stop.  J.C.
gazed at Justin intently, half in hope and half in disbelief, as the blue
orbs he looked into stared back.
     "Justin...what are you saying?"
     "Josh, I think...what you feel for me, I'm feeling back."
     The answering voice nearly broke with emotion.  "Justin, are you sure?
I know you're upset and shaken up right now, you may not mean what you're
saying..."
     "I *mean* that I'm feeling something between us I don't really
understand, but I *want* to.  I want to, but I don't know how."
     J.C. searched the boy's eyes, as though looking for permission, for
assurance that this was okay.  He must've found what he was looking for.
     Justin smiled, and closed his eyes.  J.C. put one hand gently under his
best friend's chin, lifting his face, and slid the other arm loosely around
him.  Then he leaned in, and their lips met.  All doubt melted away as the
same thought rang in both heads.
     //This is right...I'm home...I'm whole...//
     The kiss was hesitant at first, neither one forcing, neither one
yielding, just an intimate touch.  After a few moments, Justin opened his
mouth in invitation, and J.C. slowly slid his tongue inside.  He probed
carefully, tasting the sweetness of the younger boy's mouth.  The feel of
Justin in his arms was almost maddening, and J.C. had to fight to keep from
pushing further.
     //Control yourself!  We have to take this slow!//
     Justin pulled back and smiled shyly.  J.C. looked at him, both thrilled
and dumbfounded by what had happened.
     "Was-was that okay, Just?"
     "More than okay.  It was...right."
     J.C. stroked the silky curls.  "Justin...are you really feeling this
for me?"
     The boy's eyes glowed, burning like twin fires.  "It's...it's so
amazing.  Is this love?  I never thought it would feel like this."
     Josh chuckled.  "Well, you changed my world with just one kiss."
     "Did I really?  Josh, I want this, I want to be with you more than
anything, I know that now, but I'm scared..."
     J.C. wrapped his arms around his angel and held him close.  "It's all
right, baby.  We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?"
     Justin smiled, wiping away a few tears.  "Okay."
     He laid his head back down on the pillows and blinked sleepily.  J.C.
kissed him again, and clasped the smaller hands in his own.  As Justin
drifted back to sleep, Josh sang softly, in joy, in praise, in gratitude for
dreams come true.
     "'How can it be that right here with me
       There's an angel
       It's a miracle...'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

     In the dim light of a nondescript hotel room, the man with the dark
glasses answered his cell phone, privately dreading the voice on the other
line.
     "Hello?"
     "It's not done."  The voice was maddeningly calm.
     "Not yet.  You understand, the boy is never alone-"
     "I *understand* that you are feeling some doubts about this assignment,
Korman.  I do not like that."
     "No sir!" the observer stammered.  "I accepted this job, and I will do
it."
     The caller's tone remained smooth and unchanged.  "Your partners are
standing by to proceed - they are waiting for you to set the plan in motion.
  You remember all the details?"
     "Yes, sir."  And a good thing too; his boss was not the sort of person
it was safe to contradict.
     "Good.  You will acquire the boy tomorrow.  *Whatever* you have to do,
understand?"
     "Yes, sir."
     The caller hung up without another word.  The observer dropped his
phone, letting it hit the floor with a dull thud.  He rested his head in his
hands, a man lost in that secret place where despair feeds on hope.  For a
moment only, he allowed himself to feel.
     //That poor child...//


~to be continued~
Lyrics from "God Must Have Spent..." - not mine.
Comments welcome at DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com.