Date: Thu, 06 Apr 2000 21:32:53 PDT
From: Sam Dauson <sdauson@hotmail.com>
Subject: Blind Faith (Part 4)

Well, I'm back again, and I bring with me another installment. :) Not quite
as many emails this time, but by now, it doesn't really matter any more. I
think I'll be continuing this story regardless. You should still write to
me, though. :P Send any of your comments, feedback, or suggestions to
sdauson@hotmail.com. I'll keep an eye on my inbox. :)

Now remember, this story is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to
real life or any persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental. This
story is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Brian Littrell,
or any other of the Backstreet Boys. It's fan fiction, and is not based in
any sort of reality. This story appears to be written in the first person by
Brian Littrell, but in fact, this story was not written by Brian himself, or
even by anyone who knows him personally.

If you are under the age of 18, or your local laws prohibit you from reading
such material, please leave now. The same applies to anyone offended or made
uncomfortable by stories involving consensual homosexual male relationships.
Basically, if you continue reading, you are doing so on your own free will,
and I cannot and will not be held responsible for any consequences.

Authors Note: Well, this installment is a two or three days late again. I'm
sorry, but I work as fast as I can. Maybe next time I'll meet the two week
deadline. :) Anyway, this installment is a little shorter than usual, and
again, I'm sorry, but that's just the way it came out. In the future,
though, I've decided to keep most installments at around 20kb, and with a
common interval of about, note the about, two weeks. I can't seem to get
myself to write more than that per installment, and I like regularity. What
more can I say? :)

Again, before I get to the actual story, I would like to thank everyone
who's written me, (and everyone who will write to me). All of your
suggestions and comments have helped me to shape this story, and I thank you
for that. Special thanks go to Seth, who's sent more mail to me than
everyone else combined! I recommend you check out his story, 'Common
People', along with 'Studio in the Country' by Mike, and of course, 'Brian
and Me' by DLS.

That being said, on with the story...

Blind Faith
Part 4

	We sat in silence for a minute or so before I finally spoke. "That's
sweet," I said, wrapping my arms around his mid-section, feeling his warmth,
the steady rise and fall of his chest. This was definitely what I'd felt
lacking from my life earlier. I didn't know how, but I was sure of it.
Someone to hold in my arms, someone to be with. That's what I wanted, that's
what I needed.

	"How about you?" he asked with a mischievous smile, as he turned around to
face me. "Which one's your favorite?"

	I pretended to ponder the question for a moment, before finally answering.
"I'd have to say Brian too." I smiled. "I think he's drop dead gorgeous." I
looked him straight in the eye, grinning like an idiot, anticipating some
remark about how full I was of myself.

	"I'd have to agree." he said simply, still looking at me.

	The attitude in the room suddenly became a little more serious, the
sincerity of what he'd said evident. He was attracted to me, and I was
certainly attracted to him. It may sound corny, but something at that moment
told me we were meant to be together, every fiber of my being told me so.

	I simply smiled and turned my attention back to the TV, hugging Evan a
little tighter as I did so. My thoughts again turned to my inevitable
departure tomorrow. I was leaving, there was no way around that, and I was
pretty sure Evan couldn't come with me. I'd been thinking about it all day
yesterday, and remembered my little shopping trip. I'd figured we could at
least stay in touch... I didn't want to go through his parents, it might
raise some sort of suspicion, so I'd picked up a cell phone for him.

	He was still sitting next to me, his head on my shoulder, when I returned
to the present. I smiled at the television, still showing the concert from
about a year ago. It was the only time I ever managed to forget all my
problems, when I was up on stage. Whenever I was performing, nothing else
mattered, I would just let myself go. I loved doing what I did, and it was
probably the only thing that had kept me from spiralling into some sort of
depression over these past few months.

	My shoulder was starting to get a little sore, I realized. It probably
wasn't to comfortable for Evan either, all things considered. "Maybe we
should lie down," I suggested. He lifted his head. "My shoulder is kind of
getting sore." I gave him a smile.

	"Okay." He said with a smile of his own.

	As soon as he had removed his head from my shoulder, I stood and walked
around to the side of the bed. From there, I was able to lie down stretched
out on the bed with my head comfortably supported by the two pillows. Evan
got up to do the same, but found there were no pillows left for him.

	He looked pretty helpless standing there. It seemed he found pillows as
much of a necessity as I did. Personally, I couldn't stand sleeping without
a pillow. Suddenly, the helplessness vanished, and was replaced by a devious
smile. He quickly hopped onto the bed, and moved over until he was right at
my side, at which point he put his head on my chest, using me as his human
pillow.

	"Comfortable?" I asked him.

	"Yup. You took all the pillows, so I had to find my own." He had aligned
himself so that he was lying almost parallel to me, facing the TV, which was
on commercial again at the moment. "I hope my head isn't too heavy." he said
with what I'm sure was a grin.

	I didn't say anything, but instead lightly ran my hand through his blonde,
almost golden hair. He seemed so happy, just to be in my company, and the
reverse was true as well. Despite all the doubts I'd been having, this just
seemed so right. Everything about Evan and me felt so... so natural, like
this was meant to be.

	I continued to run my hand through his hair as gently as I could as we sat
and watched the last half hour of the Backstreet Boys concert, our concert.
In a just a few hours, I'd be back with Nick, Kevin, AJ, and Howie. It had
been several days since I had seen them last, and I kinda missed 'the guys'.

	How could I just up and leave Evan, though? I'd thought about what I was
getting myself into, but what was I getting him into? I felt like I was
allowing him to get attached to me, when I know perfectly well I had to
leave in less than a day. What did that say about me, and more importantly,
where did it leave Evan?

	I didn't want to think about it at that time, even if I needed to. I was
happy, and thinking always seemed to mess that up. I stopped stroking his
head, and put my arm around Evans shoulder, across his chest. I hugged him
tightly against me. I didn't want to ever have to let him go. I knew I had
to, but that didn't at the moment. It seemed nothing else in the world did
right then, a second of complete bliss, but gone again in the blink of an
eye.

	By now, it was a little past 7 o'clock. We should have gone to get
something to eat an hour ago, but I suppose neither one of us had been
hungry enough to notice. "Evan?" I asked, wondering if he'd fallen asleep on
me for the second time in two days. Apparently, he hadn't. He sat up to look
at me with a smile. "We haven't eaten yet, you know," I said, returning his
smile. "Anywhere in particular you'd like to go?"

	"Naw... wherever is fine, Brian."

	"Mmmkay." I replied, still smiling. "I've always been partial to Taco Bell,
as a matter of fact."

	"Sounds good." he said.

	With Evan giving me superb instructions on how to get to the nearest Taco
Bell, we made the quick trip to their drive through, ordered our food, and
managed to get back to the hotel all within 20 minutes time. Fortunately,
the attendant had been some 40 something guy who wouldn't have recognized me
in a million years.

	I had ordered myself a bean burrito and a taco, and Evan got himself two
chicken soft tacos. As soon as we re-entered the room after we had returned,
we sat at the small table of the hotel room and began to eat our food. With
a heavy heart, I forced myself to speak first.

	"I have to leave tomorrow, you know..." I said. I didn't want to go into
this now, but it was something that couldn't wait till morning. I probably
should have told him even earlier. He must have known I'd have had to leave
sooner or later, but he didn't know it would have to be tomorrow.

	Evan looked down at his food. "I figured you'd have to leave soon." he
said. "I... I don't want you to go." he looked back up at me with his
beautiful blue eyes. How could I just up and leave him? How could I abandon
him?

	"I don't want to go either, Evan..." I started. "But, I have to. It's my
job."

	He just nodded, and continued eating. We ate the rest of our meal in
silence, looking up at each other every once and a while, but not saying
anything. We had finished off the last of the food about 10 minutes later.
As soon as I had finished, I got up and made my way back toward the bed. It
wasn't long before Evan joined me.

	The Backstreet Boys concert had ended, so we turned off the television. I
got into the bed and under the covers, and Evan came to rest directly to my
right. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him tight against me.
He snuggled up against my chest, his head against my heart. I could feel his
warm, shallow breath as he slowly breathed in and out.

	Several seconds passed between us, in each others arms, enjoying each
others presence, without any movement from either of us before Evan finally
spoke.

	"This is pretty comfortable." Was all he said.

	"I'd have to agree." I ran my right hand up and down a small portion of his
back.

	I suppose it had been a long day for the both of us. We fell asleep in each
others arms just like that, at no later than eight o'clock. Perhaps it was
just that we were too comfortable not to sleep. The apprehension between the
two of us was gone, completely. I felt so relaxed, so at ease in his arms.
Like nothing in the world could annoy or agitate me, as if I were oblivious
to the world around me.

	I slept better that night than I had in years. Maybe it was something about
having a warm, human body next to me, but I couldn't be sure. I woke up
early to find the curtain over the large main window in the room starting to
glow with the light of the rising sun. Evan was still asleep, his head still
buried in my chest. I bent my neck and kissed the top of his head. His soft
hair tickled my lips ever so slightly.

	"Mmmm." Came the reply, a gentle sort of moan. I suppose he wasn't ready to
wake up just yet. I smiled as I set my cheek on top of his head. He caught
me a little by surprise when he spoke. "You awake, Brian?" he asked, not
moving his head. His warm breath felt good on my chest, and I realized it
was rather cold in the room.

	"Yeah, just woke up." I replied. "How long have you been up?"

	"About 15 minutes, I think." he said. He drew in a long breath, and slowly
exhaled. "What time do you have to leave?" he asked with an overtone of
disappointment in his voice.

	I felt so torn. On the one hand, here was Evan. He seemed so perfect for
me. If I ever believed that I had a destiny, I would have thought it
involved Evan. It was something about him, about who he was. He just felt so
right for me. And then there was my career. My singing was my entire life,
how could I give that up? I wanted so badly to have them both, but at the
moment, that wasn't a possibility.

	"I have to be down at the airport no later than nine, so I guess I'll have
to leave about 8:30." I said.

	He didn't respond, but instead tried to bury his head deeper into my chest.
A second later, he spoke. "I'll have to be at school before then." he
paused. "I... I'm... really going to miss you, Brian." he said with a sort
of forced calm.

	"I know, I know..." I soothed, stroking his head a little. "I'm going to
miss you too. That's why I got you something." I said smiling, as he looked
up at me. Still fully dressed, I separated myself from Evan, got up from the
bed, and went to retrieve the cell phone I'd purchased earlier.

	"This is for you," I said, returning to the bed. "So you can call me as
often as you want, and vice the other way around..." I smiled at him again.
"I know your mother wouldn't like seeing long distance after long distance
charge on the phone bill, and we wouldn't want her getting freaked out
because her son kept getting calls from some 20-something guy, now would
we?"

	All he could do was smile as I gave him the phone. He turned it over a
couple of times, looking at it in his hands, before looking back up at me
and smiling again. "You're too sweet, you know that?"

	"Yeah, I know." I said, still smiling.

	He looked it over in his hand once more before he carefully put it in his
pocket. "We've still got about 20 minutes before we have to leave," he said.
"What do you want to do with them?"

	"Well," I started to respond as I climbed back into the bed with Evan. "I
thought I'd just lay around for a while. What about you?" I turned a smile
in his direction.

	"No objections here." he said cheerfully, a change of mood evident. He had
a large smile on his face.

	We spent the rest of the morning in each others arms, enjoying the feel of
one another. Neither of us spoke, but I was pretty sure we were both
counting down the minutes until the time came when we had to leave each
other. Leaving was bad enough, but not knowing when we'd see each other
again made it all the more difficult.

	We eventually settled back into a position similar to that of the previous
night, his head resting on my chest, and my arms wrapped around his back. We
stayed that way for the last 15 minutes we had with each other. Some people
might say we wasted those minutes, but that couldn't have been farther from
the truth.

	Before what seemed like three minutes has passed, it was time for us to get
ready to leave. I ran my hand through Evan's hair in an effort to rouse him.
I don't think he'd fallen back asleep, but he certainly wasn't totally aware
and alert at the moment. He looked up at me with a faint smile on his face.
"Hi..." he said.

	I took my hand and brushed it along his jaw line. "It's time, babe." I gave
him a similar smile in return.

	He sighed, and his smile slowly faded. "I don't want to have to let you
go." he replied. He grabbed me tight around my upper body, resting his head
on me again.

	"I don't want you to let me go..." I started. "But I can't stay, and you
can't leave. That leaves just one course of action. You know that, don't
you?"

	He nodded against my chest, before drawing in another long breath. He
separated himself from me and slowly stood from the bed. He stood in that
position for several seconds, looking at me with a concerned expression. I
couldn't tell what exactly he was thinking. I really couldn't read him that
well, I realized.

	It was starting to freak me out a little, to be honest. I got myself off
the bed and came around to stand next to him. He was still looking at the
bed, seemingly in deep thought. I came up behind him, putting my hands
around his waist, and began kissing his neck ever so lightly from behind.

	He turned himself around in my arms to face me, and we found ourselves nose
to nose with each other. I could feel his warm breath on my face as we stood
for a moment, doing nothing but looking into each others eyes. I leaned
forward, and took his mouth into mine. It was the most passionate kiss the
two of us had shared up until that point in time. It was like nothing I'd
ever felt before with anyone.

	I pulled myself back and looked Evan in the face. He was so adorable, so
young. I felt like I was abandoning him, like I was leaving some helpless
puppy all alone. How could he be only 17? Maybe it wasn't that I doubted he
was 17, but that I doubted I could fall in love with a 17 year old. I'd told
my self earlier that I could, I remembered. It was the truth, wasn't it?

	"We should probably get going," he said, taking a step away from me, his
eyes down cast. "We're going to be late."

	I took a step toward him, compensating for the one he'd just taken, and
grabbed him into a hug. "I'm going to miss you so much." I whispered into
his ear. How could I have met him just two days ago? I mean, I was near
tears over leaving this boy. My life was so much more complicated now, I
realized. What kind of problems were going to come of this? More
importantly, how would I handle them?

	"I know," he said. He seemed to be crying by now. "I'm going to miss you
too."

	We left it on that note. I had never really gotten a chance to unpack my
things, so there wasn't much left to do before I was ready to leave. Evan
went into the bathroom to change into clean clothes for the new school day.
As soon as he was done, we left the room, and went down to the lobby to
check out. Still in silence, we got in my car and headed in the direction of
his high school.

	We hadn't said anything to each other since we left the hotel room, we
didn't need to. Evan eventually broke the silence as we neared Belburly
High. "Good bye, Brian." He gave my right shoulder a squeeze.

	"You had better call me." I said with a grin. "You've still got my cell
number, right?"

	"Of course," he said.

	"I'm going to stop here, is that okay?" I asked. I came to a stop a block
away from his school. A building full of hundreds of teenage girls wasn't
something I wanted to be anywhere near. I turned to find him smiling at me.

	"Afraid you'll be recognized?" he asked me with a grin.

	"Maybe," I said. "And I'm sure you'd be harassed to no end by everyone
wanting to know why you were given a ride to school by a Backstreet Boy."

	"I suppose you're right. This is fine, Brian." he smiled at me again.

	I took a second to look him over one last time before I drove away. "Good
bye, Evan." I finally said.

	He smiled, and with that, he opened the car door and stepped out, and
proceeded to walk in the direction of his school. He turned back once to
smile at me again, before I pulled away, heading in the direction of the
local airport.

---

Alright, I got it done! I've decided to level off these installments at
about 20kb, as it seems to be pretty appropriate. Sorry if they're not long
enough for some of you, but that's just the way I write. :) As always, send
any and all (emphasis on the all) comments, suggestions, or anything else
regarding this story to sdauson@hotmail.com.

Okay, let me just say, I know this installment is really, really late, and I
apologize. There's not much I can say in my own defense except that I seem
to be becoming progressively lazier. I've never really been good with
deadlines, though, so I suppose it's not that much of a shock. :) Anyway,
I'm still going to try and promise 2 weeks until the next installment, but
don't go making any bets on it. :)

That's all for now, everyone. Laterz, :)

Sam