Date: Sun, 28 Sep 2003 17:01:53 EDT
From: ShadedPhoenix@aol.com
Subject: brian's seven Seas of loneliness 44

Disclaimer: the usual applies, I don't know them, I never have, likely
never will. I don't know their sexuality and if they were gay... do you
think I'd share?!? Anyhow, if you shouldn't be reading this... you
will... don't get caught. If you like it, lemme know ShadedPhoenix@aol.com,
if not lemme know why, same address.


Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
Part 44 by Jon


	The interviews were more of the same as far as things went. I mean
it may not have been me answering, and they had been doing this for ages
before I met them, but the questions never seemed to change. I could see
one or two plated questions by the management about specific details of
where things were going, and few questions directed towards Nick and how
his solo career would affect the Back Street Boys in general. But other
than that it was as ordinary as any other interview. After it was over, we
all piled back into the limo, and went back to the hotel, Brian sticking in
the limo after everyone had gone out said he had a few errands to
run. Summoning up all the professionalism I had in me, I began to sit back
into the limo. "It's ok Jon, I don't need a guard for this I am just doing
some errands and getting a few things, no huge thing."I shrugged and headed
back towards the hotel. Almost feeling brushed off... but maybe he like me
just needed the space. Besides I knew a clear dismissal when I heard one.
	Watching the limo pull off, I shook my head and turned around, and
started contemplating what I was going to do for the next three days.
Rehearsals were more or less free time for me, so I had what was left of
today off, tomorrow, and then next day I had to be around for the sound
checks and concert. Nick and Kevin looked over at me sympathy written on
their faces, and I just shrugged. Kevin suggested a movie to me with him
and Nick hoping Brian did indeed know what he was doing, and he wasn't just
thinking about himself again. "That's alright Kev, I think I'll just go
back to my room.  Who knows my next great writing could be just minutes
away, and I wouldn't want to be too drawn into a movie to get it done
right? Besides I stole enough of you and Nick's time earlier, so you guys
go do the movie thing, and have fun." With that I gave an attempt at a
smile, which failed miserably, and then headed up before they could argue
it with me, cause I knew Nick wouldn't honestly mind me being there, nor
would Kevin, but I didn't want to encroach on their time together, it was
short enough as it was.
	I headed up to my room, waved to everyone as I headed in, and
headed to the couch. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do, but I
wasn't altogether sure I felt like staying in the hotel either. I debated
writing on the balcony, and I debated going out for dinner later on that
night as well and see some of the city. Lord knows I haven't explored it
much yet. I shrugged that idea off too. I really was debating calling Kevin
and Nick and hanging around with them today, but I didn't want to intrude
onto their space more than I already had. By the time dinnertime had come,
I still hadn't figured out what I wanted to do with the day as it went
passing on by. When the phone rang it took me out of my reverie, I went
over to answer it wondering who would be calling me. "Hello Jon's room."
"Hey Jon it's Kevin, me and Nick were about to order dinner, and then do a
movie and we we're wondering if you wanted to come join us?" I had to
laugh. But since I had managed to do nothing all day I thought twice about
turning them down. "Sure why not. You sure I'm not intruding on your time
together Kev?" I could hear the smile in his voice as he answered and I
knew something was up. "Positive. Just head over when your ready the door
will be open." "OK Kev, see ya soon."
	I was still wondering what was going on when I hopped out of the
steaming shower, getting dressed for a casual dinner. I threw on some jean
shorts, and a decent tee- shirt, and then walked down the hall to Kevin's
room, seeing the door open, I walked in.  Kevin and Nick were smiling like
the cat who ate the cannery and I half wondered if I was interrupting, or
if I was being left out the loop for something. I shrugged it off, playing
with the little ring on my finger. It was the same ring I had from the
hospital, Brian had one just like it, but they never had gotten
inscribed. It was a simple band, with an eternity symbol on one end, and
then two joined hearts on the other. I had my 2 necklaces on and my watch
which was about the only jewelry I owned. To this day I still say it looked
gaudy one me, even though they weren't special looking. I was just never
into jewelry.
	As I got into the room Kevin was ordering what sounded like enough
food to feed an army. "Is this a whole group affair cause that sounds like
enough food for everyone."  Kevin shook his head at me. "No but the last
part dessert is going to come up after the movie is over, I just wanted to
put the order in so all I had to do was call down and have it delivered." I
nodded, it seemed sensible. As dinner came and went, we were discussing
general topics. The tour, how Nick's recording was going and the like. They
had ordered a pay per view movie on the TV nothing to spectacular. But once
it and dessert was over they both started yawning. "I think I'll excuse
myself here so you two can get some rest."  I smiled and waved. "Night
Jon." They both said in unison. Which was kind of odd...  they were
thinking alike. If Nick got that bushy eyebrow thing going on, I was going
to run and hide forever. In any case, I walked back to my room figuring I'd
just get to bed myself and then make plans for tomorrow as things came.
	As I walked into my room, I immediately knew something was off. I
heard soft music playing; only I didn't put anything into the cd player to
leave on when I came back. Flipping on my light expecting to have to fend
something, or someone off, I saw Brian sitting at the table by the player
waiting for me with a smile on his face. He was dressed in nice dressy
shirt, red satin button up with a pair of Dockers on. The only thing
spoiling the dress up game was a lack of shoes and sock, which matched me
since I tried going without socks and shoes when I was trying to be
comfortable. I noticed him starting to light a bunch of candles and even an
incent. One of my favorites no less and I think he knew that. There were
white rose petals on the bed, and a dozen white roses in a vase on the
table. He held one in his hand, and approached me slowly handing me the
rose when he was close enough and then embraced me in a hug. I could hear
the whisper as he spoke so softly in my ear. "I'm sorry if I ever made you
feel unwanted or pushed aside. You have been the most important thing in my
life since you entered it, and remain so. Sometimes I am foolish and
uncaring, and I am sorry. I wish I knew better words to say it
sometimes. I'm also sorry I took you and what you've done, what you
constantly do for me for granted. I know you had dinner already, I asked
Kevin to get you out of your room so I could set this up otherwise I'd have
had a candle lit dinner here as well.  But I figured instead of that we
could absorb the atmosphere and talk." He led me by one hand to the bed,
and gently sat down; easing me down with him so we were sitting so close
our legs were touching.
	He pulled out a box with a bow on it. "Open it up Jon." He had the
cutest smile on when he said this, so I went ahead and opened the box up
which revealed two more boxes inside. The larger box had the number one on
it, the little one the number two on it. So figuring that was a hint to
open up the bigger box first. Opening it up, I saw a watch. A much more
expensive watch than the rubber 5 dollar watch that I wore. I closed my
eyes and shook my head. "Brian, when I said I wanted you to invest in me, I
didn't mean like this. I don't like flashy things, they look gaudy on
me. And I don't want you to try and buy me into your life Brian, I wanted
you to show me I already had a place there that I had earned, and that you
wanted me to be there as well." I handed him the box with the watch as well
as the smaller unopened box back. I didn't even want to know what was in
it, no doubt more jewelry though. "Jon I didn't buy it because it was
expensive, truth be told it was on sale, and when I saw it, it looked like
something you would like. It's just silver, durable, and nice. It reminded
me of you when I saw it. Durable, nice, functional.  Something that wasn't
all glitter and gold. It wasn't what I went out to get, but it was what I
saw when I was looking for what I wanted. You never read the back of
it. This isn't an attempt to win you back, this was something I thought you
could use, and would like. Please read the back of it." I picked the watch
back up, and he was right, it was solid, and very serviceable. It was
beautiful as it was simple. It was something I could see myself wearing and
using daily, and yet fit in at a dressed up affair as well. And on the back
I saw the symbol of infinity taking up half the back and smiled, then
looked closer to see the writing. As I was reading it he too whispered what
it said. "Of all the gifts you've given me, the thing I cherished most was
the time you gave me." I smiled at him.  Perhaps he had finally found the
way to prove to me he wanted me around. And he did it with not the watch
but the simple inscription he had placed on it. I looked over to him. "I
don't know what to say Brian...thank-you." He motioned over to the other
box. And I slowly opened it, it was a small box, likely a necklace to go
with the watch, or a ring. I opened it up expecting something gold and
glittery and gaudy. I was surprised when I saw a silver ring, worked in
Celtic Knots, all around to the top, and at the top of the band where the
knot work stopped was the sign of infinity (for reference its like a
sideways 8) inside one of the circles was a ruby, my birthstone, the other
his. He took it out the box, and slipped it onto my left ring finger. "This
is what I went to find. Not specifically, I was looking for a ring, but
when I saw this, I knew it was meant to be, and it was meant for you. For
us. What I'm trying to say is, the only way I could find inside myself to
prove to you I was invested into this relationship is to ask you something
I've been trying to find the words for sometime now. I want you to be mine
forever. I want to marry you. I want to know when I wake up in the
morning's its going to be you I see first thing, because its you I look for
first thing. I know when I go to sleep at night, you're the last thing on
my mind, and I want you to be the last thing I see each night to send me
off where ever it is one goes when they start to dream. Also I wanted to
give you something to look at, something to feel, so when you need a hug,
and I can't be there to give it to you, for whatever reason, you can feel
this, and see this, and know I do love you. In case I don't say it when you
need to know it, I'm saying it now, and this ring will keep on saying it
each time you touch it. That there is only you for me in this life, and I
want to see you through whatever the future holds. I want to be the one
thing in your life that never leaves, that you can always turn to, and I
want to know that when I face the ages of this life, I will be facing them
with you. So in short, I'm asking you, will you marry me, will you share
this life with me. Will you walk down the path of tomorrow knowing I love
you more than my life itself, and will you walk down the paths of this
lifetime with me, will you share forever with me?"
	What do you say to a speech like that? To the man whose asking you
to share the rest of his life. Did I dare say yes... Did I dare say no? I
looked into his eyes looking for something, I wasn't even sure what. My
mind was telling me he was being sincere, my instincts were saying he was
honest, but I was looking for something in his eyes. A hesitation, some
indication that this was something he was doing not because he wanted to
but because he was afraid of losing me. Looking into his eyes I saw nothing
except love, and hope. After a few minutes of my looking, his eyes took on
a worried look and I could hear him about to talk... so I put my hand on
his thigh and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He gave me a look of
understanding, and I took a deep breath. "I'm not going to say no Brian." I
could see the light in his eyes start to blaze when I said that. "I'm going
to say not right away. We still have a lot we need to talk out. More if you
add in the idea of getting married." I smiled at him. "So yes I will walk
with you to eternity, but I want to wait a bit and not rush into a ceremony
tomorrow. Or... two ceremonies, cause lord knows we both have different
ways of handling religious things, and different things that are important
in each one, and somehow I don't think we could honor both our traditions
fairly and honestly in one ceremony. Plus we need to start thinking date,
where as it's the beginning of august, invitations will need to go out to
your family and friends. Telling your family and friends. Plans for where
to have this, when to have this, who to tell, who not to tell. Are you
planning on coming out before or after this, where things are going to go
from there? Where are we going to live since we both have houses half way
across the country from each other." He put a finger onto my lips
effectively cutting me off. "We'll figure it all out Jon, I promise we
will. This wasn't a decision I made over night, I had been thinking about
it for sometime. And we can wait to work out the logistics of it all for
now. I'm content to know that you're accepting my proposal. You are
accepting right?" I nodded my head to him and smiled, an honest to goodness
full smile. "That's the smile I've been missing this week. I can't see how
you can't tell the difference, we all sure can."
	"Do Kevin and Nick know, or were they just distracting me for you
because you told them you wanted a romantic dinner?" He shook his head
"Nope, I can keep secrets even from my best friend and cousin when I want
to." He started to chuckle because out of all of them, Brian would be the
last one I would think could keep a secret. Especially from Nick or
Kevin. My body was tingling. I asked him to invest in me, and show me he
cared, I couldn't ask for him to come forth with something to state how he
felt better than that. So I smiled at him. "What happens now?" "I think now
we get either my stuff in here, or your stuff into my room, because my bed
has been awful empty without you in it to keep me warm and safe at
night. Before that though, I'd like to just sit here with you, listen to
the music, and just enjoy the atmosphere, and maybe get a dance from you. I
don't think in all the time I've known you we've ever shared a dance." I
shook my head agreeing we had never had a dance together. "Yup, that would
be because I can barely dance. I can't dance at all to fast music, but this
slow music I am sure I can dance to. I went to enough weddings as a kid it
should come back to me." He stood up from the bed, and offered me his hand
as he bowed like an old fashioned gentleman. Taking his hand, as I got up I
smiled to Brian. Putting one hand on his waist, the other hand I
interlinked with his, fingers interlocking with his fingers as we slow
danced to the music that was playing. Closing my eyes, I let the beat of
the music enter me, swaying with it letting my body move of its own
accord. Not thinking for once, just feeling. Letting the music, and Brian
guide me to where they would. There was no need to analyze this, no need to
think about it. The only things that existed were me, Brian, the music, and
the room. Eventually I was wondering if even the room existed as I felt
like I was floating on the air itself.
	I remember seeing the first rays of light coming in through the
balcony at some point when I opened my eyes. I could have sworn we had only
danced to 2 songs, but apparently we had been dancing for hours, without
even music. Just the rhythm of our hearts to guide us. Seeing the daylight
breaking through, I guided Brian to the balcony, and into a chair, me
sitting next to him so we could watch the rest of the sunrise. I always did
love watching the sunrise and sunset. Somehow it was when I felt most at
peace, and most in awe of the world. Knowing things were waking up with the
sun, and going to bed with it, and some things waking up with the moon, and
also going to bed with it. Seeing the coming of the god in the sunrise, and
his going in the sunset. The coming of the goddess as the moonrises, and
her leaving with the sunset. Welcoming and fare welling each at the
appropriate times. "It's a new day and no mistakes yet." I smiled
remembering when I had first heard that said to me. Brian just looked over
at me. "It's a new day hun, and no mistakes, no broken promises yet. We all
get the new day, and its up to us to make it a good one." I left off the
kindred spirit part cause I wasn't sure he'd grasp it, or want to grasp
it. "And where did that come from?" I just smiled up to him.  "Some good
advice I was told by a very beautiful bag woman a long time ago. During one
of my many walks. One you seemed so sure I was never coming back from. I
also remember that day when I came to your bunk, and asked if there was
room for two you said yes if Jon was here, but he wasn't so no and leave
you alone. Ironic no? Considering you were telling me I wasn't there." He
raised his brow. "Ironic is one word for it I suppose. We really have had
an odd time of it all haven't we?" I nodded. "Likely cause were not
"normal" and so the "normal" rules apply less to us. I know I personally
gave up normalcy ages ago and have no intention of going back to it. I will
say this though, I've had more than enough of hospitals if they can be
avoided in the future." "Yeah I second that motion and hereby carry
it. Hospital trips that are avoidable are hereby to be avoided." Brian
always being the funny man even slapped his hand down like a gavel.
"You've run into some interesting people Jon. I'll never understand how you
meet these people in the middle of nowhere. I mean you go on an all night
walk and meet a bag lady with inspiration. You've met people in so many
different places, and the odds of you meeting them were so slim. Chance
meetings left and right. I'll never understand it."  "Brian think of it
this way, you can call them chance meetings, you can label it fate, you can
say they were put into my path for a reason. Some might even say it was the
goddess taking a mortal form to talk to me. No matter how you slice it,
I've learned from them.  I've learned to trust things that are totally
random. Like tonight, if I had ever suspected you would be here tonight,
and proposing to me no less, I can't say with a clear conscious I would
have left Nick and Kevin's room when I did. Part of the reason I trust this
so much is it's randomness." "Well whatever the reason that you trusted it,
and accepted, I don't care. Because you accepted. I thought you might turn
me down at first, but I was hoping with everything in me you wouldn't. You
were staring into my eyes for so long I wasn't sure if you were trying to
find some way to tell me no and make it not sound so hurtful, or if you
were looking through me for something." At this I had to smile. "I was
looking for something and its what I didn't find that made all the
difference. I was looking for doubt, hesitation; something to tell me it
wasn't what you truly wanted. I was looking to make sure you weren't doing
this for complacency, or out of a fear of losing me. All I wanted the other
day when I said show me you loved me, was for you to show me. The candles,
soft music, tonight minus the proposal would have done it." He gave me a
blank look. "Really is it too late to take the proposal back?" Now if he
hadn't stuck his tongue out at me, and his face broke into laughter, I
wouldn't have been sure if he was kidding or not. "Do you want to take it
back?" All he did was shake his head no, and proceed to kiss me. One of
those kisses where everything becomes a blur. The only thing you can see is
his face, the only thing you can feel are his lips. When the whole world
seems to just go away, and time seems to stop, yet speed up all at once. It
was a mind numbing experience that everyone should have at least 3 times a
day.
	Sitting in the coolness of the morning, the sun havening finished
coming up, I knew it was just a matter of time before the phone rang to
interrupt our time alone together. It was through no fault of his, there
were just things we needed to do. He of coarse had rehearsals today and
technically I had nothing specifically that I had to do. But I knew we had
group breakfast coming up soon. "When the phone rings, do you think we'll
get away with not answering it?" Brian shook his head. "They'd likely bang
on my door when I didn't answer and wasn't in there, they'd come to bang on
yours. Eventually they'd find a way in." My face sunk a little; I guess
trying to keep Brian to myself even if just for a night or two was a bit
too much to ask. Some days I wondered what it would be like dating a man
who worked a normal 9-5 schedule and had sick days. But may as well ask
pigs to fly, or something else as unlike because Brian was doing what he
loved and worked hard to get here. And considering I was wearing his ring,
which meant this was it for me. If he and I didn't work out for some
reason, when I said I do, that was the one time I will say it. "What's
wrong hun?" I had to smile at him; he was reading my face again. He was
getting pretty good at that. "I was just thinking what it would be like to
be with someone who worked 9-5, 5 days a week with sick days. But no, I'm
not saying you should quit, because I know this is your dream, and who
knows what will come after, or where my dreams may lead us in the future. I
was just thinking we don't have very much time to ourselves. I love the
guys, but sometimes I wish it were just you and me." He nodded. "yeah I've
daydreamed about it too. Living in a house that stays in one place, doing
the lawn, gardening, painting." I smiled. "Yeah doing the meditation room
was a blast, even if I only got to do it 1 week at a time." I playfully
glared at Brian as if it as his fault I was only home for a week every so
often. Not to mention anyone was allowed into that room while I was
painting it. It was something I wanted to do for myself by myself.  Then
again no one was really allowed in there now that it was done either. I
mean it wasn't a banning thing. It was just my space. They were more than
welcome to use it, or come see it. But it was one room in the house that
was all me and only me in it. Unless they wanted to be part of something I
was doing, be it ritual, or just watching me do a ritual they were welcome
as long as they realized certain things were to be followed, and certain
protocols to be followed in that room.  He slapped my shoulder
lightly. "Hey now, you could be living there and working a 9-5 job if you
wanted to be. I'm not dragging you across the country, you choose this gig
to be closer to me." He had on that cute puppy dog face that you couldn't
get mad at.  Well ok I could get mad at, but this time it was too
cute. "Careful, lest you be sleeping in your room alone again Miss Thang!"
He started giggling. Perhaps he thought he was being too cute. I just shook
my head at him.
	"I think we should get ready to go Bri, I'm sure someone's going to
come knocking on our door any minute now." He nodded his agreement, and
came in for one last lingering kiss. As we were kissing we didn't hear
anyone knock... which was surprising, but we also missed the door opening,
and then were separated rather rudely by 2 sets of arms. One being Nick's
and one being Kevin's. Kevin was lucky I was in a good mood because that's
a good way to lose an arm or two. I wonder if the fans would lynch me for
taking off one of Kevin's arms. I mean he can sing and dance minus one arm
right? Nick's whining voice came through my thoughts. "Come on guys, I'm
hungry and I wanna eat." I stuck my tongue out at him. You'd think he
hadn't eaten in a week. "Ok Ok lets go. You killed the moment, were
dressed, lets go." Kevin and Nick noticed we were a bit overdressed for
breakfast. "Well yeah your dressed, a little over dressed for breakfast
no?" I looked at Kevin. "Well it was what I wore for dinner we haven't gone
to sleep yet. Now shall we?"
	We all headed into the main room and started to eat. I was sitting
close to Brian, which considering the last few days got me odd looks from
everyone save Nick and Kevin and Brian. Gracie just gave me a look as if to
ask if things were all right. I nodded my affirmation, and she went back to
eating. As I was picking up the eggs with the fork, Gracie looked on my
hand. "New ring Jon? I don't remember seeing that one before. It looks
really neat. Can I see it?" I passed my hand over the table smiling. She
knew all my jewelry cause let's face it, I wore all I owned, and it was
very little. As she was looking at it in awe, she realized what hand it was
on and gasped. "Hey! You got this on the wrong finger Jon." Gwen was
looking at the ring too when I answered Gracie. "Why I think it looks kind
of good on that finger don't you?" Gwen looked up at me. "Yeah it looks
good there, but maybe you should put it on the other hand. On that hand and
finger, it looks like your getting married or something." Kevin and Nick
dropped their forks their mouths hanging open. Realization had obviously
just dawned on those two. "Well for the clueless, I am aware of that
fact. And it looks like it should. I am getting married." I smiled at Gwen
and Gracie, who were now doing a rather good imitation of a fish, their
mouths opening and closing as they were trying to form a thought or a
word. AJ and Howie came over to take a look at the ring. AJ lifting me out
the chair in a hug. For such a little guy he had some strength to
him. "Congrats you two." He smiled swinging me around, then Howie came in
for the more subtle approach, and just gave me a normal hug, and
congratulated me and Brian. AJ giving Brian much the same treatment I
got. I was shocked he had proposed, I wasn't exactly all that.
	Kevin could always be counted on to be the business one. "Ok guys
off to rehearsals, is it safe to assume your joining us with Gracie and
Gwen Jon?" I shook my head no, and watched Brian's face drop a bit. "I have
a few errands I wanna do today Kevin, maybe see if I can find a decent new
age store and get some supplies. If e were in Mass, or in a non-moving
environment for a week, I could order online, get a great price and fabu
selection, but since we're neither, I need to get things as I can. Though
Brian I wanna have a talk with you tonight so if you wouldn't mind not
doing the club thing after rehearsals it would be appreciated." Howie just
"ohhhhhhhed" at Brian, and AJ being AJ had to pipe in. "I'm sure its
talking he wants to do." Which earned him a rather nice painful punch in
the arm from me with a narrowed eyed look. He rubbed his arm and complained
about a bruise, and I just leveled my eyes at him, making it clear I would
not now, nor likely ever put up with that phrasing. Joking or not. Ok,
maybe not ever... but for the time being, sex insinuations were a "no no",
and I was making sure he got that emphatically.
	I smiled watching the guys and girls head off into the limos to the
hall where the guys were performing later that night. I was a bit sad to
leave Brian knowing he was hoping I'd join them today at rehearsals but I
figured if I showed up and surprised him later it would be worth it, I too
had some things I wanted to get done. I made a phone call to a friend back
in Mass. Well not a friend of mine, but a family friend. He was a jeweler
and long ago I had a piece commissioned, which I let him keep there on
display till I needed it. It was an incredible piece, and I had long ago
paid it off, and so I had him send it through the over night delivery to
me. I gave him my credit card info to pay for the shipping, and then hung
up smiling. I knew it was the perfect time, and he'd since made several
pieces that were similar, but the piece he was sending me was a 1 of a
kind. I made sure it had the right stone setting, which he agreed to swap
out for no extra charge since the stone originally in it was a bit more
expensive and he said I'd have it by 11am tomorrow morning. Then I called
the front desk saying I was expecting a package tomorrow early afternoon,
and that I would go down to pick it up, no need to call saying I had
received a package. They agreed and then I was off in the rental car to go
about and get some of my errands done. I went through the city, a bit
disappointed they had no real new-age stores in the city itself, nor in the
state. But I found some random stores, and between them found some of the
candles, incents, and other little things I needed. Lets face it, when you
needed certain items; there were only certain places to get them. I made a
mental note that the first new-age store I found on our travels, I would go
in and get the things I needed, and if nothing came in a few weeks, I'd
order online and have it shipped to my home where my friend and neighbor
would put it inside with my other piles of mail.
	After getting back to the hotel, putting things away it was about
lunch time, so I headed off to the hall to see everyone there and sit down
with them for lunch and maybe sit and chat for a bit. I never understood
how the girls could go to all the rehearsals, all the concerts, and never
tire of them. But that's their thing I suppose. Idly I wondered how much
they were watching and how much they were distracting.


And there is the end of yet another chapter. And quick to huh, I'd like to
thank those who have emailed me, its kinda nice to know someones been
reading this, not to mention someone since when the story first started
some 4 odd years ago.