Date: Sat, 4 Nov 2000 19:14:11 -0800 (PST)
From: NCfan <ngclle@yahoo.com>
Subject: boy-bands/calming waters 5

Disclaimer: This story is pure fiction.  I don't know any of the BSB.  This
is NOT TRUE.  For those under age 18, please don't read on. I don't know
the sexualities of Nick and Kevin from the BSB.

Also, it's about time I made a list of my faves.  Of course, this isn't all
of my faves, but these are the ones I remember now at the top of my head:
Open Arms, Little White Lies, Any Path, Loving Nick, The Photograph, Mile
High Meeting, Nick and the Altos, Four Doors, Perfect Couple, Because I
Love You, First Anniversary.  I know there are at least three more, but
after working for 16 hours straight, I don't think I can recall them.

************************

Nick gazed out from the restaurant that overlooked the beach, his eyes full
of wonder.  The restaurant was exquisite and the ambience soothing.  Nick
looked across to see his father staring at him.

Nick smiled shyly at his father for the second time that day.  "What made
you come all the way from California?" he began.  He wasn't too curious
though.  Nothing his father did ever made sense to him.  But he did it out
of reverence.  Funny.  He sometimes didn't think that his father deserved
his respect, but he did it anyways, mainly because the man had given him a
home when he was a child.

"Can't I just visit you?  You know, father and son bonding?" Randy answered
his son's question.  "I know, you find it odd, but . . . "

Nick quickly interrupted.  "I don't question it.  I was just . . . um
. . . surprised."  Nick stared at his plate, suddenly feeling bad for
doubting his father's presence.  "I guess I'm just dazed.  Things have been
pretty weird all week." Nick's voice was barely a whisper.

"Tell me about it," Randy said in a coaxing tone.

Nick gulped.  "Well, I've been having trouble sleeping lately.  I've been
having some dreams . . . about . . . well, my childhood.  I see all those
men and I feel, I don't know. . . sort of cheap."

Randy looked at Nick with a stern face.  "Now, Nick, we've gone through
this.  We've had rough times.  It wasn't your fault.  It wasn't my fault.
We needed money.  What you did was good.  You were able to help me out and
support our family.  I mean, we're the men in the house.  We had to be the
ones to provide for the family.  You don't have to feel bad because we were
working to feed the family, right . . . son?" Randy smiled at Nick.

Nick smiled weakly.  "I'm not doubting it.  I guess, I've been reflecting
lately and feel less worthy.  I've been having problems dealing with
. . . um . . . relationships lately and I guess it's because I feel like I
sometimes don't deserve other people's love, mainly because I don't think
the love that I have to offer is, well, chaste enough."

"Now, son, what has brought all this reflection?  What happened?" Randy
pried.  This was getting more difficult than he thought.  He tried to
maintain a concerned look.  Funny how young minds worked.  Whenever they
craved love, they would be so blind to everything else.

"Well, I . . . about three days ago . . . umm . . . someone asked me out,"
Nick wavered.

"Would that someone be Justin?" Randy smiled slyly at Nick.

Nick looked at him in shock.  "Uh, yes."  Nick's eyes widened in confusion.

"Well, I have a knack for those things you know." Randy winked.  "So what
did you say to him?"

"I. . . uh . . . told him that I wasn't ready because of what happened in
the past," Nick replied honestly.

"You know why you said that Nick?" Randy asked.

Nick shook his head.  "Maybe I'm not sure of myself.  I feel like I don't
deserve anybody."  Nick's blue eyes were slightly moist.  He looked down at
his plate.  "I need more time, I guess."

"No Nick.  The thing is, you don't like Justin.  That's why you're not
ready.  If you liked someone, you wouldn't hesitate like that."

"But I also did that to Lance," Nick suddenly blurted out.

Randy looked at Nick in surprise.  "Lance asked you out, too?"

Nick turned his head to avert Randy's piercing eyes.  "He . . . he kinda
asked me out."

"And did you say yes?" Randy's voice was anxious, and suddenly, Nick felt
weird confiding in his father.  Something about the man didn't sound right.

"Uh, I . . . " Nick didn't know what to say.  The way his father talked was
not so fatherly at all.  It was as if his father wanted him to say no.

Randy pressed on.  "Did you say yes?"

"Um, I said no," Nick finally answered, flustered.  "I didn't think I was
ready for him."

"Good," Randy responded to Nick's surprise.  "I mean, you shouldn't rush
into things that need time."

Nick gazed into his father's eyes and sighed.  "Yeah, I guess I'm not
ready.  I think I just need to be alone for some time."

"Yeah, Nick.  You're too young.  How old are you?  20?  You can't commit
yet.  You must give yourself some peace.  Relationships can be poison.
They drain your energy and your emotions.  I have this feeling that Lance
and Justin aren't in it for your love.  Something tells me that they're in
it for the, forgive me for saying this, 'pleasures' that you can provide
them.  I mean, look at you.  You're good-looking and all, you have to be
careful.  They could be only seeking the bodily gratifications."  Randy
explained.

Nick sighed.  "Yeah, I guess."  Finally, dinner arrived and Nick stared at
his plate, playing with his fork.  As troubling as his father's words were,
he couldn't help but feel that there was some truth to them.  Besides, what
else could he offer Justin or Lance but himself.  That made him even more
resolved to not start a relationship with either of them.  He didn't think
there was more to offer than his body.  His mind started to cloud as the
rest of the evening carried on slowly.  Thoughts of making himself worthy
in Lance's eyes were beginning to be shadowed by images of loneliness.  He
didn't want to be just a body.  He needed time to think things over.  He
needed a new beginning.  He needed to wash away the past.

Nick was so overwhelmed in his own world that he failed to notice the
little smile that formed on his father's lips.  Randy took one look at the
youth and knew that he had achieved the first step.  It wasn't too
difficult.  Nick was too naive, too trustworthy.  Sometimes, he liked that
about the boy.  Of all the people he met, Nick was definitely the purest,
no matter what happened in the past.  It wasn't his acts, but rather his
mind that was chaste, and Randy knew that no matter what he did to the boy,
Nick's heart would remain chaste.  That was why he didn't have too much
guilt doing what he did to the boy, no matter how pained Nick was
internally.  Besides, no physical harm was done.  What was there to worry
about?

*************************

"So . . . what are we here for?" Brian demanded.  He hated this beating
around the bush.  He wanted to go see Nick rather than spend his time
avoiding eye contact with Lance and Justin.

"Patience!" Lance said, agitated.  He had thought hard about what to tell
Brian.  Originally, he didn't think of including Justin in this issue, but
Justin was a close friend and would definitely vouch for his integrity.  So
there they were, Brian, Justin and Lance--all crouched in Lance's room,
each wondering where all this was heading.  There was no other way.  He had
to let Brian know about Nick's past.  He didn't know why.  It wasn't that
he wanted Brian to willingly drop out of the race, or was it?  He knew that
Brian had integrity and would probably not accept Nick's past if he were to
know.  Lance, himself could barely accept Nick's past.  But he thought
about their little sexual act and the desire welled in him again.  He
wanted Nick.  He wanted Nick desperately. Once he gained enough confidence,
he began.  "Well, I had a little talk with Nick today."

Brian and Justin perked up.  Both were equally alarmed.  Justin was more
worried whereas Brian became rather upset.

"And how did you have a private conversation with him unless you snuck
out!" Brian pressed on.

"That's not the point," Lance continued.  He had to continue.  He must
press on.  He's working for his future.  "The point is that he revealed to
me something which I think is pretty interesting."

Justin looked at Lance with a little anxiety.  "And what did he tell you?"
Justin asked eagerly.

Brian remained silent, waiting.

Now or never, Lance encouraged himself.  Be direct.  Don't stumble.  Don't
avert Brian's gaze.  "He used to be paid for sexual favors," Lance
responded slowly, enunciating each syllable.

"What?!!!" Brian instantly responded.  "You're making this up.  He's not
like that.  He doesn't do that kind of stuff."

"That's right.  I don't believe it either," Justin agreed.  "Lance, we know
that you like him, but you don't have to be that underhanded.  I'm not
going to back off because of what you just said!" Justin glared at Lance.

Lance and Brian looked at shock at Justin at what Justin just said.  Did he
just admit to loving Nick?  "Don't tell us you're also in love with . . . "

Justin gazed at them with confidence.  "Look, I know what you two have in
mind, and I just want to say that all is fair in love and war.  It seems
that all three of us have a common goal and I'll tell you guys beforehand
that I'm not backing away just because you guys are in the race.  I mean
he's not your boyfriend yet so I think that I'm just as qualified to be in
this race.  I don't have a problem, and I'm not afraid of a little
competition."

Brian and Lance looked shocked at Justin's speech, finally realizing how
complicated the situation was getting.  Brian was the first to respond.
"Look, Justin, I'm okay.  It's just that, I feel we're kind of pushing Nick
too hard.  I for one don't think that he's comfortable with all of us
chasing him like this.  I think we need to do things less viciously."

Lance gazed at Brian.  "I didn't think we imposed ourselves on him," he
whispered.  "I mean, all we did was show him love.  I guess, I never meant
to hurt him.  But I'm not kidding when I said that he had actually done
sexual favors.  He said that to me himself today.  If you guys don't
believe me, ask him yourself.  I just wanted to let you guys know what the
whole package is about and who you're dealing with."

Justin glanced at Lance.  "I know, Scoop.  I know you mean well.  It's just
that this little piece of information is so odd.  It's totally not Nick at
all.  I couldn't picture him like that."

Lance looked down guiltily.  Images of that day's lustful encounter
replayed in his mind.  "I never thought I could picture Nick like that, but
this morning, we . . . um . . . did it."  Lance mumbled the last words.

"You what?!!!!" Brian and Justin gazed in shock for the umpteenth time that
day.

Lance felt another surge of confidence.  "I kissed him and one thing led to
the next and he kissed me back and we just sort of went wild and did the
whole shebang," Lance said sheepishly.

Brian shook his head in wonder.  "I . . . I . . . don't know what to say.
So is he your, you know, now?"

Lance shook his head sadly.  "I guess he wasn't ready.  At least, that was
what he told me."

Brian couldn't take it anymore.  Before he heard Lance's last words, he was
out the door, back to his home where he could grieve on the sudden
revelation.  It was too much to bear.

Justin actually stayed behind to finish off the conversation with Lance.
"So are you saying that Nick is your territory and warning me and Brian not
to step on your turf?" Even though his voice was calm, his heart was
burning in pain.  Before Lance replied, he walked out the door, leaving a
guilt-stricken Lance behind.

****************

The next day was tortuous for everyone.  They were all getting ready for
the upcoming BSB/Nsync concert and all were supposed to meet at the dance
studio to start on their new routines.  All ten guys strolled into the
dance studio, putting the past few days behind them.  All were too consumed
in their own world to notice what the others were feeling or doing.

Nick was the first to arrive, hoping that the day would pass by with little
discomfort.  He still didn't know how to act around Lance.  He ached for
his love, but then, didn't feel that he was confident enough to return it.
To his dismay, Lance was the second one to arrive, and immediately upon
seeing Nick, Lance walked the other way.  Nick spent the rest of the five
minutes sitting in the corner, eyes glued to the floor.  Just when he
thought the tension was diminishing, Brian came in.  Nick smiled when he
saw Brian, but was totally crushed when Brian too gave him the cold
shoulder.  Brian didn't even answer to his greeting.

And just when Nick thought he couldn't take it anymore, Justin entered the
dance studio.  Nick quickly casted a surreptitious glance at his admirer
only to be shocked a third time by the coldness in Justin's actions.

They knew!  They had to know.  Not that Nick blamed Lance.  He was just
hurt that they were so bothered by his past, which made him so much surer
that he had nothing to offer but his body.  That thought pierced his heart
as he suddenly felt his emotions deadening.  It was a strange and scary
feeling, but the more time spent being ignored by them, the colder he felt
inside.  It was at that moment that he realized that the past was a
permanent scar.  There was nothing he could do to erase it.  There was
nothing he could do to change it.  All the things he did these past few
years--the abstinence from sex, his full concentration on music--neither
had done anything for him.

He didn't regret telling Lance.  He would probably have lived in more
discomfort not telling Lance the truth.  But his situation now hurt equally
as much.

His thoughts then drifted to Justin.  Why did things have to be so
complicated?  He couldn't return Justin's love either.  What was wrong with
him?  Why did the beings above toy with him like this?  Had Justin been as
aggressive as Lance, would he have yielded to Justin as well?  Did he
actually love Lance or was he yearning the sex more?  His mind became a
whirl of hypotheses.

Why?  Justin was equally as attractive as Lance.  He would respond to
Justin.  He knew it.  If Justin just pushed him onto the bed, he would have
yielded without a second thought.  But Justin was more thoughtful and
didn't push it.

And then there was Brian.  With Brian, everything was ambiguous.  There
would be times when Nick would notice Brian being very loving in not just a
brotherly way.  Whenever they shared a hotel room, Brian would make sure
that Nick had enough to eat.  Whenever they were done after a long concert,
Brian would always urge him to take a shower first while he himself went
out to seek food for Nick.  And whenever Nick was sick, Brian would never
leave the hotel room.  When all the other guys went out, Brian willingly
stayed at the hotel with Nick and just lounge around.

And there were littler things.  Brian would pay attention to the littlest
of things.  Like whenever Nick wanted something to drink, Brian would buy
him his favorite Barg's Root Beer rather than Sprecher's.  Brian knew those
little things that no one else, including his mother, knew.

The way Brian acted was so warm and cozy, as if they were a couple.  And
there was that one time when Brian was murmuring "Nick" in his sleep.

But if Brian liked him, why come, after so many opportunities, he did not
approach Nick and profess his love.  Justin did it.  Lance did it.  But why
did Brian not?  Brian knew he was gay.  In fact, he tried at length to
verify that, Nick thought, slightly amused.  But why go through all that
trouble to bring Nick out of the closet and then not take the next step and
ask him out?

Everything was getting too complicated.  The past week was too good to be
true, he thought dejectedly as he casted a few more glances in their
direction only to see the three of them talking merrily to the other band
members.

To his relief, he heard his cell phone go off, breaking him away from his
painful thoughts.  "Yes, Nick speaking?" he answered.

"Hi son!" his father's cheerful voice rang through.

"Hi dad.  What's up?" Nick replied, happy that someone wanted to talk to
him.

"Are you free tonight?" Randy asked Nick enthusiastically.

Nick had to think.  Usually, the guys would want to go out and eat dinner
together after a long day's work at the dance studio, but judging from the
others' indifference to him, they might appreciate it better if he hadn't
gone.  Besides, he had a reason.  It's not every day that his father is in
town.  In fact, his father was the only one that never visited him these
past six years.

"Yes, I'm free."

"Good.  I was thinking if you wanted to go out with me.  You know, more
father and son bonding.  What do you say?"

"I'd love to."

"All right then.  When you're done, give me a call and I'll pick you up,
okay?"

"Actually," Nick replied, "I brought my car here.  Why don't I pick you
up."

"No. No," his father insisted.  "You should rest.  We'll leave your car
there and I'll find some way to pick you up, okay?"

"But you don't have a car," Nick reasoned.

"I'll find one.  Bye son." Randy hung up before Nick had the chance to
react.  Nick sighed.  Just like his father to take things into his own
hands again.  Not once had he given Nick the choice.  He turned off his
cell phone and placed it into his sports bag.  He then took off his sweat
shirt and headed towards the center of the studio where Fatima was getting
ready.

He tried to brush away the sadness and get through the day.  It wasn't so
hard.  He had so many days in his childhood where he just zoned out and let
others did as they wished to him.  Now was no different.  All he needed was
to zone out the other guys' attitudes towards him.

To his relief, practice went by swiftly.  He was making less mistakes than
usual, and he found it easier to focus on just the routine.  Fatima spent
less time on him than on the others, which was a good sign.  By the end of
the day, all the guys hit the shower except Nick.  Even though he was
successful at ignoring everything that went on, he became more conscious
about himself.  He didn't want to shower among all the others even though
they had separate stalls.  He felt so dirty.

While they went ahead and showered and made plans for the night, he called
his father to let him know that he was ready, but that he needed to go home
to shower.  To his dismay, his father would have none of it.  "Nick, you
stay there and shower.  I already have everything planned.  Everything is
set.  All you need to do is clean up and dress in something nice and we're
all set to go, okay?"

Finally, too tired to argue, Nick relinquished.  "Okay," he whispered.  His
father then hung up the phone.  Nick sighed and gathered his clothes and
towel and headed for the shower, only to see the other guys head out of the
shower, eagerly discussing about that night.

"Hey, Nick," AJ yelled.  "We're going to eat and then head off to the clubs
tonight."

Nick smiled at AJ.  "Sorry, Aje, but my father's in town and I just wanted
to spend some time with him."  All the while Nick said this, he didn't dare
look at Lance, Brian or Justin.  He was afraid to see the disgust in their
eyes.

The other guys began filing past him, obviously buying into his excuse.  He
continued into the locker room when he felt an arm tug on his.  He looked
around to see Kevin.  "Be careful then, Nick," Kevin whispered into his
ears.  "You look a little pale.  Get some rest tonight, okay?  You'll need
it for tomorrow." With that, Kevin winked at him and released his arm.
Nick smiled, despite himself.

He was so busy focusing on getting into the locker room that he failed to
notice Brian, Lance and Justin all staring at him, each consumed in their
own worlds.