Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 19:58:34 EDT
From: That's The Way I Like It <bsb_stories@hotmail.com>
Subject: gay/celebrity/boy-bands/changes/  Changes 37-38

I know, it's been forever.  It's been so long that I am actually
going to do a little capsule summary before this chapter - cheesy,
but I'm afraid it's probably necessary.

As always, please do not read this if you have some kind of a
problem with gay sex.  This is just fantasy and has nothing to
do with the real-life people used as characters in the story.

Previously in CHANGES:
The Backstreet Boys have been apart for nearly a year and
come back together for an ill-fated tour of Europe in the
fall of 2001.  Internal tensions and jealousies rip the
group apart, until Howie finally decides to quit the
Backstreet Boys.  The remaining tour dates are cancelled
and the remaining members are left trying to put the
pieces back together.  Brian and Nick gave their on again
and off again relationship another try during the tour,
but that too fell apart, and now Nick and Kevin are in
and out of a tumultous affair.  In the last chapter,
Howie agreed to come back into the fold, and Kevin went
to California to try and get Nick to return to Florida.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

Time heals all wounds, Howie thought to himself before retiring to
bed.  A.J. and Dani kept saying that at dinner, almost as though
they were trying to convince themselves of it.  It just didn't seem
to apply to Howie's life.  Maria was already sleeping, curled up on
her side with some feather pillows around the pronounced curves of
her body.  Howie sat down gingerly on the bed, making his movements
as small as possible, and studied his wife.  She stirred up emotions
in him he didn't know that he could have, and Howie wasn't sure
whether or not he liked it.  When they'd met, he had been at the peak
of his pride.  She fed into his vanity and seemed like a perfect
match for the glamourous life he wanted to have.  But the more he was
around her, the more Maria brought out his jealousy, his insecurity,
and his anger.  Maybe they rushed into getting married.  Howie knew
things weren't right as soon as he met Maria's family.  Why didn't
I pay more attention to those feelings in the pit of my stomach?

It seemed like such a frivolous detail at the time.  Maria's family
was from Costa Rica and they all spoke Spanish with each other.
Whenever Howie opened his mouth around them, he felt self-conscious
since he hadn't been raised to speak Spanish at home, as though he
were only pretending to be Latino, and somehow this was much worse
than just being pure white and Anglo from the start.  Howie's family
in Puerto Rico had always embraced him with open arms, but they were
much different people.  Maria's family was part of the upper class in
a poor country, and they simply didn't treat people the same way.
So before he knew it, Howie was showering everybody with money.  He'd
always wanted people to like him, and being wealthy was the quickest
and easiest way to accomplish this.  The more he did it, the less he
felt that anybody really liked him at all.  And before he knew it,
Howie had changed from the pragmatist and peace-maker of the
Backstreet Boys to the angriest provocateur of them all.  His
feelings of manipulation and betrayal ran deep.  Howie ran his hand
over his wife's soft shoulders, wishing that they would wake up
together and just be a young married couple, deeply in love, excited
about their unborn child.  Instead, Howie found himself wondering if
the child was just another way of Maria raising her price tag, just
another toy in this game with her, and then he hated himself for
having those heartless feelings about an innocent baby, his own flesh
and blood.  He got out of bed and crept silently downstairs to have a
drink.  It would be another sleepless night.

It was several hours earlier in California, and the late fall weather
had brought out strong gusts of wind blowing off the Pacific ocean,
rattling the Spanish blinds of the beach front house Kevin had rented
out and swirling sand up in his eyes as he walked down to the water.
His quick phone conversation with Brian had made it painfully clear
that nobody trusted his motives in this whole endeavour.  Or at least,
that was Brian's point of view as the betrayed cousin and ex-lover...
Nick was sitting on a sodden looking, sand-covered blanket, and
frowned when Kevin sat beside him, irritated that his peace was being
disturbed.  "Aren't you cold?" Kevin asked, picking up the nearly
empty bottle of brandy Nick had with him and taking a swig from it.
"Nah, I feel just fine," the blonde replied.  The wind was whipping
his hair around his face.  He'd smoothed it back when it was wet,
but it was getting a natural blow drying, and little strands of it
were determined to snap into his eyes.  Now that Kevin had mentioned
it, Nick was getting a chill, and he gathered together his bare arms
and legs and hugged them all close to his body.  "Did you close the
door when you went outside?" Nick asked.  "What?"  "I mean because of
Frankie.  She might go outside and get lost or something."  Kevin
rolled his eyes and finished off the last of the liquor.  "The cat
is fine," Kevin said.  "We need to talk, though."  "About what?" Nick
said absently, staring hard at the waves, waiting for the crests to
form, sensing the power of the water's weight when it came crashing
down on top of itself.  He felt like taking another swim.

"Well, everybody wants to know when you are going to be ready to go
back to Florida.  I mean, this is a lovely vacation and all, but we
have serious business to attend to."  Nick just stared at the ocean.
"I talked to Brian about it today," Kevin continued.  He saw Nick
flush a bit and almost cringe when he said that name.  Kevin stopped
cold, sickened at heart.  "Brian," he repeated, and Nick dropped his
head down, burying his face in between his arms, resting it on his
knees.  "You still love him, don't you," Kevin said.  Nick suddenly
shot his head up and stared him in the face.  "I will always love
Brian," he said defiantly.  "If he would take me back..."  His voice
lost its certainty.  "He's not taking you back," Kevin replied.  "He
found somebody else.  Remember?"  "I know, I fucked up," Nick said
quietly.  "You don't have any feelings for me at all, do you?" Kevin
asked.  He was trying desperately to crush the emotions rising up
inside him, but despite himself, there were tears in his eyes.  If
Nick couldn't love him, nobody could.  Nick had seen something in
him nobody else had.  "How can you ask me that?" Nick cried out
angrily, and he shoved Kevin hard.  "Why are you torturing me
talking about Brian?  You know I still love him!"  "You self-centered
piece of shit," Kevin said heatedly, "I come all the fucking way out
here, you won't talk to me, you won't even sleep with me, and now
you're giving me this?  Where do you get off?"  He shoved Nick back.
"You called me," Nick said tearfully, "you wanted to be with me!"
"I was being nice," Kevin said.  "Well fuck you, I'm through with
being nice."  He got up to walk back to the house.  "Where are you
going?"  "I'm leaving your sorry fat ass here on the beach," Kevin
said.  "You can take care of yourself for once."  He stormed up to
the house, slammed the door, and then locked it.

"Baby, what are you thinkin' about?"  Brian's soft voice rang out in
the dimly lit back den, where he and Misha had been watching a movie
on television.  "The usual," Misha replied with a little smile,
loving the feeling of Brian's hand toying with his spiky hair and
massaging his scalp.  "Where do we go from here."  "I used to sing a
song with that title, you know," Brian said with a twinkle in his
eyes, and he sang the refrain for his lover.  "It just seems like
once Nick gets back, you guys will be so busy, working on the new
album and all."  "We do have studio time still booked," Brian nodded.
"But that doesn't mean I'll be there 24 hours a day."  "I know.  But
I can't just give up my business in New York, either."  "Well, when
were you planning on going back?"  "I told you, this coming Monday.
I have things to do.  I can't just let things sit forever.  I might
be freelance, but I still have inventory and orders to go through."
"Hey, I understand, you don't have to lay out every little last
detail for me," Brian said with a strained sort of affection.  "I
was just hoping you could stay longer."  "I won't lie to you, Bri,
it's wonderful out here with you.  But part of me feels like this is
a daydream, and I need to get back to reality."  "What is that
supposed to mean?" Brian asked.  Misha didn't reply at first and
Brian kissed him firmly on the lips, drawing back and looking him
right in the eyes.  "This is real, Mish.  It does not get any more
real than this."  Misha dropped his head, unwilling to share all of
his doubts with Brian.  "Yeah, we don't know exactly what is going
to happen," Brian continued, "but life is like that.  You have to
go with the flow a little.  Right?  Yes, my career is a lot more
crazy than most people's.  But you want to be with me - don't you?"
When Misha stayed silent, Brian drew away from him with a prolongued
sigh.  "You really make me mad sometimes," Brian said.  "You know
that?"

"Let me in, Kevin," Nick sobbed, banging on the back door.  As the
effects of the alcohol began to hit him harder and the wind began to
pick up again, he huddled on the sand-covered porch, smacking his
legs occasionally when he felt a tiny spider bite him.  It was dark
by that time and there was no response from inside the house.  It
felt like the whole world hated him.  The wind was sharp and it
stabbed his side, impaling him with glinting crystals of sand.  "I'm
sorry," he cried, "please just let me come inside!"  Inside the
house, Kevin paced back and forth on the smooth floorboards.  The
wind was picking up off the water and the wooden blinds slapped
against the windows fiercely, startling the cat, who dashed under
the couch and lurked there, watching the tall brunet as he marched
in his self-imposed formation.  Why did I come out here? Kevin kept
asking himself.  What did I expect from Nick?  In a matter of
minutes, he went from hating Nick to hating himself.  It was a
typical transformation; a learned habit which was as worn-in and
comfortable as an old pair of sneakers.  I set myself up for it,
and why?  Because I'm foolish ... old and stupid ... unloveable.
Something is just wrong with me.  Kevin hugged his arms to his
body; what was so deformed inside of him that made him so
unworthy of human affection?  Was it something he was born
with, or did it become twisted as he grew up?  Kevin shuddered
slightly with painful emotion and pushed it hard and deep inside,
where nobody could see.  He went quickly to open the back door
for Nick.  But when he swung it wide, nobody was there, just a
trail of footsteps in the sand.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

"Good morning, sunshine," Dani said, kneeling on the end of
the enormous bed and picking up one lifeless foot to tickle
its underside.  "Don't," A.J. mumbled, burrowing into the
feather pillows and jerking his limb away into the safety
of his comforter.  Dani laughed; A.J. was babyish in the
mornings, unkempt looking and smelling less like his
cologne and more like his own body.  She slid up beside
him and squeezed his waist through the blanket.  "Alex,
you really do have to get up at some point.  Remember, we
are going to go over to the studio today with Howie and
Brian?"  "Mmm," A.J. mumbled sullenly, and he turned
around very carefully, face hidden, and hugged Dani to
him.  The stubble on his chin tickled and scraped lightly
over Dani's chest, and she shivered and laughed, and then
rested her chin on A.J.'s head as his warm breath sent a
variety of pleasing sensations through her body.  Dani had
her own plans for the day, but they were purposely
flexible; she really wanted to see A.J. to the studio and
be there in case something strange happened.  That would
hardly be out of the ordinary.  For all she knew, they
could arrive and find out that Howie had moved to Vietnam
and Brian had taken a vow of silence.

"Alex, I don't see you getting up and getting ready," Dani
said in a soothing voice.  She could sense by his closeness
and by his breathing that he had something else on his mind,
but she figured it was more erotic to him to take the lead,
so a double entendre was the hint she gave.  "You smell so
sweet, baby," A.J. said, looking up at her with a smile.
Sex always took his mind off any other concerns, and was one
of his preferred methods of escape.  It was especially nice
to have it in the context of a low-key relationship as he
had with Dani; this fell very much in the same pattern as
his long-term relationship with Amanda.  The only problem
there had come when she decided a friends-who-fuck role
wasn't for her any more.  A.J. was trying hard not to think
about the possibility of Dani one day making the same
demands on him.  Dani gazed into A.J.'s beautiful brown
eyes, framed by angelic lashes and full of desire.  He was
a chameleon, that was for sure.  He swept back her dark
hair and kissed her urgently, letting his cock rub up
against her thighs, sliding one hand up the back of her
underwear to cup her bare ass.  "I love you, Alex," Dani
said softly, "you make me such a happy girl."  A.J. laughed
quietly and began to nibble on her neck, loving the little
whining noises she made, the feel of her rubbery nipples,
aching to be touched, as they made contact with his bare
chest.  "I love you too baby," he said in his raspy voice,
knowing very well how much this turned her on.  Getting to
the studio that day was a definite; on time was not so sure.

Kevin was deep in an anxiety dream, running through corridors
to find somebody he couldn't find, checking doors which were
all locked, and feeling all the time that somebody was behind
him, about to catch up to him, about to put their hand on his
shoulder, a door creaked open... He jerked awake with the
sound and it took him a minute to realise that it was actually
a seagull's cry; he had fallen asleep outside on the sand,
and his skin and hair were paying a bitter price, dried out
by the salt air and rough to the touch.  Kevin stood up with
a groan and shook some of the sand out of his hair and clothes;
Nick was lying on his side, still sleeping, one hand gripping
on to a clump of dirt as he dreamt.  Kevin shook him gently,
and Nick rolled over with a very confused expression on his
face.  "Kev... where-wha...?"  He squinted into the sun and
sat up.  Kevin came and sat beside him and they both stared
out at the water.  "Funny," Kevin said.  "What?"  Nick asked
dully, without looking at him.  "You would think sleeping on
the beach is romantic, and refreshing ... I feel like I
slept on gravel and like I'm about to shed all of my skin
off my body."  Nick just stared at Kevin quizzically.  The
tall man's dark brown hair was sticking up in parts, dirty
and bedraggled.  His five o'clock shadow was pronounced and
his off-white shirt had only spent one night in the wild,
but was already well past its prime.  Nick began to laugh,
and quickly he was laughing so hard that he had to cover
his face and look away before his stomach started to ache.

"It's not that funny," Kevin said, poking Nick in the side.
"Wait 'til you see what you look like."  "You look like a
hobo," Nick squeaked out, still doubled over with laughter.
"You look like an after school special," Kevin shot back,
and he tackled Nick and rolled him over onto his back.
They wrestled around for a few minutes and then lay there
amused by their mutual ridiculousness.  "I think I'm going
to go pee in the ocean," Nick said finally, trying to get
a reaction out of Kevin.  "Savage," Kevin replied evenly,
wanting Nick to be the first to laugh again.  "Man-beast."
This worked; and Nick's face lit up as he let out a loud,
insane sounding bray of laughter.  When he stopped, Kevin
was still lying on him, gazing at him, and Nick wrapped his
arms around Kevin and hugged him.  He didn't really know
what to say, and so he just stared into Kevin's green eyes,
which seemed to dance around an entire circuit of feelings.
"I'm so sorry about last night," Kevin said finally.  "That
was really immature of me, shutting you out last night."
"No," Nick said quickly, "I shouldn't have said that to
you."  Said what, Kevin wondered, but he didn't really
want to know, so he just smoothed back a stray lock of
Nick's blonde hair.  "I really do care about you," Kevin
said.  "Can't we start over?"  Nick blinked away tears
and nodded.  "Should we try to have sex in the ocean?"
Kevin said dryly, raising one eyebrow.  Nick laughed
again, and squeezed Kevin's hand.  "Let's just go inside,"
he said.

Brian walked briskly into the recording studio, in the
company of his bodyguard, and nodded cordially at the
two secretaries who peered up over their partitions to
watch him go by.  He felt very unsettled and he just wanted
to get back to work.  A little time in the studio was just
what the doctor ordered.  He was the first to arrive, and
he began to tinker with an acoustic guitar which he'd
asked for, tuning it while his thoughts swam around his
mind.  What was it that Misha was looking for in life?  It
certainly didn't seem to be a partner.  He couldn't give
anything up, could he?  He couldn't sacrifice his
precious individuality.  Brian frowned at the guitar and
wound the string he was working on tighter.  Sure, it was
a lot to ask for, and maybe Misha just didn't think Brian
was worth it.  It's not like it's nothing for me, either,
Brian told himself.  I mean, just being in a gay
relationship is a huge complication in my life.  Then his
conscience told him that wasn't exactly Misha's fault.
I just don't know what to do now, Brian said to himself,
pressing the belly of the guitar up to his ear as he
lightly strummed an F chord; sounded good.  Do I kill
myself trying to make this relationship work?  Do I let
it go?  If Misha is gone, that means what to me?  No
distraction from ... Nick ... but Misha isn't only a
distraction ... right?

Howie came into the still-darkened studio and saw Brian
picking out a few notes on an acoustic guitar, obviously
deep in thought.  Somehow, it was all Howie could do to
move toward him and say hello; he felt guilty and
unprepared for the emotional intensity of working on
writing music together.  He didn't realise that guilt was
the pervasive emotion Brian was feeling at that time.
Brian had just come to the conclusion that the reasons
he had to even consider giving up on his relationship
with Misha was all too similar to the reason he had for
ending his relationship with Nick.  It's too difficult;
I can't do it any more.  What is wrong with me, Brian
asked himself.  Do I not have enough love in my heart?
I left behind the love of my life, because I couldn't
give him such a simple thing?  I wasn't even willing to
try when the going got tough, and here I am again,
discarding another wonderful man I have had the privilege
of being with.  Brian berated himself silently, letting his
fingers pluck at the high thin strings and force themselves
down over the frets of the guitar, yielding painful red
ridges in his fingertips.  It was regret and guilt which
seemed to dominate all of his bandmates' mental
landscapes.  A.J. came into the studio still seeming to
cringe under the weight of his perceived failings; his
untimely and egotistical decisions which almost cost him
his nearly lifelong friendship with Howie D.  And try as
hard as he might, there was also that regret in his heart
for Amanda, and guilt that he might be treating Dani in
precisely the same manner.

Kevin sat on the edge of the bed, freshly showered and
wearing a loosely fitting robe.  He sipped a cup of hot
coffee and waited for Nick to join him; it had been too
long since they had made love, and Kevin wanted everything
to be perfect this time.  It shouldn't be an expression
of anger, or even of uncontrolled passion; Kevin wanted
to be good to Nick, and prove to himself as well that
he had his emotions under control, and his heart in the
right place.  "Nick, are you almost done in there?"  The
water was still running and Kevin heard some noises as
Nick shuffled around.  "Just a minute," Nick called back,
and Kevin set down his cup and rested his hands on either
side of his body, scanning his set of long, lean bare legs.
Last night was a painful memory, but Kevin felt as though
they had reached a crucial juncture in their relationship.
Perhaps they had crossed their proverbial Rubicon and now,
something real and beautiful could grow out of the sensual
appetite they had for one another.  While Kevin day-dreamed,
Nick tried to quiet his nerves, staring at himself in the
mirror.  His last night in Florida haunted him; his complete
sexual surrender, at the hands of strangers, had gone too
far into the darkest part of his psyche, and Nick was afraid
of what would happen the next time he had sex.  His physical
complaints had gone, for the most part, but Nick still felt
unsure of his mental state.  However, he felt obligated to
Kevin, and knew at some level that refusing him again might
leave him totally alone.  So Nick fed himself cocaine, by
large spoonfuls, hoping that the cold, numbing high would
cure everything that ailed him.

"You feel better now?" Kevin was asking, wrapping his arms
around him.  Nick's heart pounded in his chest and he gasped
for air, soaring inside, feeling himself running away from
his insecurities with the giant strides of an Olympic
champion.  "Yes, much," Nick said quickly, running a hand
through Kevin's still-damp hair.  "I want you so much ..."
He lost himself in kisses.  Kevin's lips were firm but
yielded tenderly to Nick's every advance; Kevin's tongue was
delicious, toying with his own, licking around Nick's lips
and flicking out to tease his ears and neck.  Nick was lying
in the comfortable bed, his eyes shut, letting Kevin kiss
his chest and stomach, playing with Kevin's hair, trembling
all over ... he ran further and further away, transported,
feeling blessed, like a light was shining on him and he was
special.  Wonderful.  Deserving of pleasure ... or even of
worship, such as Kevin was giving him ... "You are beautiful,
Nicky," Kevin was saying, still kissing Nick's soft chest,
taking in the scent of the soap which had just washed him
clean and soft again, moisturising his parched flesh.  "I
love you, Kevin," Nick said dreamily, "I love you so much..."
Kevin paused in his ministrations; his heart seemed to catch
in his throat and he looked at Nick sadly.  "You don't mean
it," Kevin said, looking at his lover's flushed face and
glazed expression.  He knew Nick was out of his mind.  But
Kevin held Nick closely and kissed the blonde on the neck,
and then he whispered to him, "I'll tell you a secret,
though, Nicky.  I wish you did."