Date: Wed, 01 Mar 2000 22:07:29 -0500
From: Rachel <rel24@drexel.edu>
Subject: Choices 19

Hey everybody! I wasn't planning on submitting anything right now, but I've
reached one of those critical points in the story. Y'all deserve to read it
now. So let me know what you think. Finally some of the past comes out.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: blah...damn I don't feel like writing this.


Chapter 19


	"I am so glad they finally left." Casey said shutting
the door behind JC and Chris. "I wanted some time alone on
this trip."

	Justin grinned and lay down on the couch. Casey put
her hands on her hips and looked down at him. "And where do
you expect me to sit if you are sprawled out on the couch?"
She asked jokingly.

	"I guess you could lay on top of me. That is if you
want to." Justin said innocently. Casey giggled and climbed
on top of him. She rested her head on his chest and wrapped
her arms around him.

	Justin kissed the top of her head. "Hey Casey, I
missed you." Justin said softly. "I missed you too Justin."
Her voice was even quieter. She nuzzled his chest softly
before looking up at him.

	"We need to talk Justin." Casey averted her eyes from
his, leaving no question what she wanted to talk about with
him.

	"I think you're right. We do need to talk." Casey sat
up, letting Justin up as well. They faced each other
sitting Indian-style on the couch.

	"We started this as friends Justin. And I love having
you as a friend. I don't want to lose that."

	Justin held up his hand. "Wait. I think we are going
the same way with this conversation."

	"Really?" Casey asked her voice filled with relief.
Justin nodded. "You're a great friend and this has been a
fun relationship, but I think we both need to move on."

	Casey threw her arms around Justin, hugging him
tightly. "I'm so glad you feel the same way. I was afraid I
was going to lose you."

	"You're not going to lose me little girl. We are
always going to be friends."

	Justin let her go and they both sat back. "So what
brought it on for you?" He asked her, curious as to why she
wanted to break it off. Casey blushed deeply. Justin knew
immediately and he was happy for her.

	He broke into a grin. "Tell me about him."

	Casey blushed deeper. "His name is Mark. I met him
when I was at Palm Beach in the beginning of the summer.
He's a waiter at a little coffee shop I would go to."

	"Have you started dating him already?" Casey shook her
head. "I explained to him that I was with someone, but it
really was more of a friendship. I wouldn't do anything
with him if I was with you."

	"Thanks, but I would have understood. We weren't in an
exclusive relationship."

	"Yeah I know, but I felt an odd loyalty to you Justin.
I didn't want to hurt you in anyway. I know she cheated on
you. I didn't want to be anything like her." Casey spit the
word 'she' out bitterly.

	Justin nodded. "I appreciate it." They were both
quiet. Justin looked up at her. "It was fun wasn't it?"

	Casey grinned. "We had our moments. I'm not going to
miss getting threatened by Britney, but I am going to miss
goofing off with you. Hell I'm just going to miss you in
general. You really are something special Justin."

	Justin shrugged. "I don't know about that. I'm just
Justin. What's special about me?" He honestly didn't think
he was that special of a person. Millions of fans would
disagree with him, but deep down inside they didn't know
him. Casey did.

	"You are sweet, funny, kind, considerate, a total
gentleman, and one of the cutest people I have ever met.
You can make me feel better just by telling me a silly
little story. Justin you are a very special person."

	Justin blushed. "You are going to make someone very
happy someday Justin. And I promise to be in the front row
at your wedding cheering the two of you on."

	Casey gave him a peck on the cheek, not moving back
this time. She hovered slightly in front of Justin's face
staring into his eyes. Justin moved his hand slowly behind
her neck, pulling her closer to him. Their lips met,
joining passionately.

	Justin slowly lay back, still kissing Casey as she lay
on top of him. He ran his hands up and down her back,
sliding his hands under her shirt, feeling her smooth skin.
Casey nibbled on his earlobe, pulling back to look into his
eyes.

	"Do you want to do this Justin?" She whispered, asking
his approval before she went any further. "Only if you want
to Casey." Justin whispered back. She nodded. "I want to."

	He pushed her back slightly. "I don't think we should.
It wouldn't be right." Casey pushed her hair behind her
ears. She nodded.

	"Maybe you're right." Casey gave Justin another kiss
before climbing off him. He shifted and she lay down next
to him, her back to his front. Justin put his arm over her
side.

	"So I guess I'm just the guy friend now." He said
jokingly.

	"At least you aren't the gay friend honey." Casey
grinned up at him. He laughed. "Yeah much to many people's
disappointment."

	"Well your hairdressing skills are fabulous, but you
can't match and lord knows you can't decorate for shit. So
I would have to say that you aren't gay Justin."

	"Well you forgot a big one."

	"What?"

	"I don't know. I seem to be attracted to women not
men. I hear that's a big thing in determining whether or
not you're gay."

	"Hmm...I suppose so." She rolled over and smiled at
him. "Are you sleepy?"

	Justin nodded. "I'm ready for bed. How about you?"
Casey nodded. She got up and held her hand out to him.
Justin took it, pausing for a moment. "Do you want the bed?
I'll sleep on the couch if you want."

	Casey laughed at him. "We've been sharing a bed off
and on since the end of December. I think we can tonight
too. Besides I would hate to put you out."

	"Okay. As long as you're comfortable with it. Let me
go hide Mr. Bunny." Justin grinned. Casey laughed again.

	"You are so silly Justin. If Mr. Bunny's not there,
who is Irving going to talk to while I sleep?"

	"You brought Irving?"

	"Of course. He's in my suitcase."



	Jean-Michel walked down the hall to Joey and JC's
room. He needed to talk to Joey about Daniel. After finding
him crying in the dressing room that one night, he had been
keeping a close eye on both him and Darren. This morning
Daniel was limping and he had a bruise on his cheek. It was
time to have someone else intervene and Joey was the only
one who could do anything. At least that's how he felt.

	He knocked on the door, waiting for someone to open
the door. JC opened it, his eyes cold and hard. He looked
at Jean-Michel with open disgust at being bothered.

	"Hello Joshua. Is Joseph here?" JC walked away from
the door, his eyes filling with tears. Jean-Michel followed
him concerned about JC.

	"Joshua? What is wrong?" Jean-Michel put his hand on
JC's shoulder, trying to get his attention. JC wrenched his
shoulder away, turning to face him his eyes blazing despite
the tears running down his cheeks.

	"He's not here Jean! So just leave. I don't know where
he is. I haven't seen him all day." JC walked away from him
again. Jean-Michel followed again, not letting one of his
best friends be alone.

	"I am not going anywhere until you talk to me Joshua."

	JC sat down on the couch and looked up at him. "Then
you might as well get comfortable because I'm not talking."

	Jean-Michel sighed and sat down next to him. He
slipped his arm over JC's shoulder and crossed his legs.

	"Do you know how many times I have thanked God for
finding James?" Jean-Michel asked him. JC shot him an angry
look. Jean ignored it and continued on.

	"Not only do I have the love of my life, but I have
four of the greatest friends I could ever ask for." JC
wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

	"It hurts me to see you so upset Joshua. I just want
to help."

	JC looked at Jean-Michel's face. He knew that he was
just being a friend, but JC couldn't talk to him. He
couldn't talk to anyone. Well he would talk to Joey about
this usually, except it was Joey who was causing the
problem.

	"It's not that I don't appreciate your concern Jean,
but I just don't want to talk about it. It's between me and
Joey."

	Jean nodded. He gave JC a kiss on the cheek. "If it is
meant to be, everything will all work out Joshua. I know
that the love is there between you both. You just have to
learn to work with the flaws."

	JC nodded. "How do you do it?"

	"I have learned to bend quite a bit. James is a tough
person to live with, as you very well know. We learned over
the years how to live with each other."

	"I can live with Joey. It's not that at all."

	"Then what is it Joshua?"

	JC's eyes filled with tears and he shook his head.
Jean hugged him closely. "You do not have to tell me. It is
okay."

	"No, I want to tell you. I can't understand why he
would love me. I don't deserve to be loved by him." JC took
a deep breathe. "I'm a horrible person Jean. Horrible."

	"You are not horrible Joshua. Do not ever say that
about yourself." Jean held his chin and looked him in the
eye. JC shook his head, refusing to believe him.

	"Why are you horrible Joshua?"

	"I'm dirty."

	Jean was confused. What was Joshua talking about?
"Dirty? What do you mean by that?"

	"He beat me. Something must be wrong with me if he
beat me."

	"Joey? Joey beat you?"

	JC shook his head, still crying. "Not Joey. Greg.
Years ago."

	Jean hugged him tightly. "That was not your fault.
Greg was the person at fault."

	"But I didn't stop him. And he only hit me when I did
something wrong."

	"What did you do wrong to make him hit you?"

	"I would forget to make dinner or I would get home
late from work. He always had a good reason."

	"Those are not good reasons Joshua. There is no reason
good enough to hit anyone. Especially if you love them."

	JC buried his head in Jean's shoulder. "Have you told
Joey about this?" JC shook his head. "I haven't told
anyone."

	"You need to tell Joseph about this. Make him
understand what is happening."

	"No. I can't tell him. He'll leave me if he knows what
I did."

	"Joseph will not leave you because of this. He will
not leave you at all."

	There was a noise at the door and it opened a moment
later. JC wiped his eyes quickly. Joey walked in and put
down his bag by the door.

	"Hey guys. What's up?" Joey grinned at the two of
them. JC got up and walked into the bedroom, leaving Joey
and Jean-Michel alone.

	Joey threw up his arms. "I'm so sick of this Jean. He
never gives me a chance anymore. He just walks away. He
promised me that he wouldn't push me away and that's what
he's doing."

	Jean-Michel stood up. "Maybe you should talk to him
before getting mad."

	"I try to talk to him. He just gives me a smart-ass
comment and walks away. I love him Jean. I've never loved
anyone like I love him. I don't want to lose him."

	Jean-Michel hugged Joey softly. "He does not want to
lose you either."

	Joey nodded. "What brought you over here? You usually
just don't drop by without a reason."

	Jean-Michel shook his head. "Do not worry about it. I
came to ask you a favor, but you need to concentrate on
your own life. I will take care of it."

	"No Jean. What do you need?" Joey protested. Jean
sighed.

	"It is Daniel. I am very worried about him. I found
him crying in the dressing room a few weeks ago. Since then
I have been keeping a close eye on him and Darren. This
morning he was limping and had a bruise on his cheek. I
think Darren is beating him."

	Joey sighed and sat down. "I didn't want any
confirmation of my suspicions. I thought that from the very
beginning. I'll try and talk to him about it."

	"Joey I do not think you should anymore. Take care of
Josh first. Leave Daniel to me."

	"I'll talk to him Jean. Josh and I will be fine. I
want to help Daniel anyway. I just have to get him talking
to me."

	Jean-Michel wished he had never said anything about
Daniel. After listening to JC's story, he knew that Joey
needed to deal with that, not with Daniel. But he wouldn't
listen.

	"I'll talk to him tomorrow. I'm pretty tired Jean."
Joey said hoping he would get the hint.

	Jean nodded. "I will talk to you tomorrow Joseph." His
voice was filled with regret. He had just made a big
mistake.

	Joey walked into the bedroom and stripped down to his
boxers. JC was already in bed, his back to Joey. Joey
slipped under the covers and snuggled up to JC. He spooned
him, resting his hand on JC's hip.

	"I love you Josh." There was no answer. He sighed
heavily. "I love you too Joey." He could barely make out
JC's whisper. He hugged him closer, kissing the back of his
neck softly.

	"Good night my love."


	Chris rubbed Danielle's back softly as she threw up
again. They had been up for about 5 minutes before she had
gotten sick this time. She was suffering from morning
sickness that didn't seem to understand that all day and
night did not count as the morning.

	Danielle leaned back, sitting on the ground. She wiped
her mouth with the back of her hand and looked up at Chris.
Her face was chalk white and she was sweating.

	"I'm sorry." She said softly. Chris shook his head.
"Don't be. You can't help it."

	"Where are the girls at?"

	"Daniel is watching them. I grabbed him as he was
walking down the hall."

	Danielle nodded her eyes closing. "I'm so tired
Chris."

	"Why don't you lay down? I'll pack everything up. We
have to get on the bus in an hour."

	Danielle groaned. "I don't want to get back on the
bus. I'm going to throw up the whole time."

	Chris smoothed her hair back. "Maybe you won't this
time."

	Tears began to fill Danielle's blue eyes. "I want to
go home Chris. I need to go home. I want my mother."

	Chris kissed her forehead. "Okay. We'll go home in a
few days. I promise."

	Danielle shook her head. "No you can't go. You have to
stay. Promise me you won't leave."

	Chris sighed. "I won't leave now. But after this tour
that's another story."

	Danielle looked up at him, unsure of what he was
saying. Chris nodded. "I can't stand not being with you and
the girls. Especially now with another baby on the way. I
think it's time to grow up and stop being Chris Kirkpatrick
and just be Chris."

	"Chris you can't. You love this."

	Chris looked around the small bathroom, taking in the
cold, sterile surroundings so unlike the warm bathrooms in
his own house.

	"I want to be home. Besides wouldn't you like to get
back to work? I know how much you miss teaching."

	Danielle nodded. "Do we have to talk about this now?
I'm too nauseous to make a real decision."

	Chris kissed her nose. "Let's get you into bed then.
We'll talk more when you're feeling better."

	Chris lifted his girlfriend and carried her into the
bedroom. Danielle didn't protest, resting her head on
Chris' shoulder. Already this pregnancy was much worse then
anything she had experienced while carrying the twins.

	Chris rested her carefully on the bed. He was worried
about her. As much as he wanted Danielle and the girls to
stay with him, this was too much for her. She had lost
weight the past two weeks since the vomiting had started.
Food just made her ill.

	He began to pack up the girls' toys and clothes
slowly, watching Danielle sleep. She looked so exhausted.
Chris just wanted to make it all go away.


	Daniel sat on the floor of Lance and Jean-Michel's
room, playing quietly with the girls. He had been walking
down the hall to breakfast when Chris had grabbed him. He
was happy to take the girls for a bit.

	No one was very talkative this morning, choosing to
eat breakfast in silence. Justin and Casey hadn't made an
appearance yet. Daniel had told them that Chris and
Danielle probably weren't joining them this morning.

	Darren had been glaring at Daniel over his coffee,
hoping no one would notice the bruise under Daniel's eye.
So far no one had seemed to notice.

	Joey picked at his eggs, looking over at JC every few
moments. JC was holding his coffee mug staring into space.
Since waking up this morning the two of them had spoken
about two words to each other.

	Jean-Michel watched the both of them with concern.
Every so often he would look over at Daniel as well, hoping
the bruise under his eyes was not what he thought it was.
Lance noticed this, but was too tired to try to figure out
why the room was filled with such tension.

	Ameena tapped Lance's shoulder trying to get his
attention. Lance smiled sleepily at her, glad that she had
finally stopped isolating herself from all of them. She had
been on tour with them the whole time but she had been
reluctant to join them. Finally Jean-Michel had convinced
her that she was always welcome.

	"Morning Ameena."

	"Morning Lance. I have a few questions for you."

	Lance groaned inwardly. Ameena was always too awake in
the morning, not matter how late she was up the night
before. She said once you had a baby sleep takes on a whole
new meaning. Lance just didn't believe her.

	"Let me grab some more coffee. Then we can talk."
Lance got up and walked over to the coffee pot.

	Justin and Casey came in laughing. They were both in
their pajamas and Justin was giving her a piggyback ride.

	"Good morning everyone!" Justin said happily. Everyone
exchanged glances except for Darren and Daniel. Justin was
never this awake in the morning unless....

	"Did you get laid last night Justin?" JC asked him.
Both Casey and Justin burst out laughing.

	"Actually no. Casey and I broke up last night." Gasps
were heard across the room from everyone but Darren who
just watched coolly.

	"Oh guys. I'm so sorry." Lance said to them, genuinely
upset for the two of them.

	"Why Lance? We aren't." Casey said, still smiling.
Lance was dumbfounded. He had no answer.

	"Guys...and gal. Sorry Ameena." Justin flashed a smile
at her in apology. "Casey and I discussed this. It's been
fun but we're both going to move on now. Besides we're
great friends and that's more important."

	Joey and JC looked at each other staring intently at
the other person. Was their relationship worth losing their
friendship?

	"Can we leave Josh?" Joey asked him softly. JC nodded
and stood up. He took Joey's hand and they walked out of
the room together.

	"Well at least someone is getting some this beautiful
morning." Justin grinned as he crunched on a piece of
bacon.

	"Shut up Justin." Jean-Michel said angrily shocking
everyone in the room. "You do not have a fucking clue what
is going on."


	JC sat on the bed and looked up at Joey. "Do you want
to try and talk Josh?" Joey asked, running his hand over
his short hair, feeling the bald spot under his hand.

	JC shrugged. "Are you going to lie to me again Joey?"
Joey held his tongue, knowing that JC was right.

	"I'll try not to lie Josh."

	"You'll try not to lie. Great. That makes me feel so
great about our impending conversation."

	"Oh shove it Josh. I'm so sick of your attitude. No
matter what I say you just shoot off a wise-ass comment and
that's the end of it."

	JC was quiet. He dropped his eyes to his hands. He
knew better then to fight back. "Sorry." Joey sat down on
the bed. "I thought we had gotten past this a long time
ago. We've worked on this before."

	"It's not like I plan on doing it Joey. It just
happens."

	"That's bullshit Josh. You can control it. You're not
doing it to anyone else but me, which means I must be the
problem. Tell me what I did so I can at least defend
myself."

	JC lay down, curling up into a ball. He didn't want to
talk about anything. Joey got up and began to pace.

	"I can understand why people break up with you Josh.
You're so fucking frustrating when you get like this."

	JC closed his eyes tightly, waiting for the axe to
fall. This was where whomever he was dating dropped him. He
had played this scene in the movie of his life more times
then he wanted to count. It never changed. He was ready for
Joey to do it too.

	"Well your little technique isn't going to work with
me. I love you too much. I'm not giving up on you."

	JC shot up from the bed and looked at him. "You're not
breaking up with me?" Joey's mind registered the shock in
JC's voice. Why?

	"Do you want me to?" Joey almost feared JC's answer.

	"No. It's just no one has wanted to try. Thank you."
JC stood up, wrapping his arms around Joey tightly. Joey
hugged him back.

	"I love you Joseph Anthony Fatone Jr." Joey sighed. "I
love you Joshua Scott Chasez."

	Neither moved, holding the other person tightly.

	"We still need to talk Blondie." Joey said breaking
the silence. JC pulled away.

	"I don't think that nickname applies anymore Scruffy."
He had let the blond go, returning to his natural hair
color.

	Joey grinned. "You'll always be Blondie to me, but
you're changing the subject Josh."

	JC sighed, averting his eyes again. "I'm not ready to
talk Joey. Please." He whispered softly hoping Joey
wouldn't get mad again.

	"Of course you don't want to talk. You never do
anymore."

	"I'm sorry Joey."

	Joey threw his hands up. "And there you go apologizing
again. You act like I'm going to beat you or something.
You're as bad as Daniel."

	JC flinched at Joey's words. Joey's eyes opened
widely. What was that?

	"Josh, why did you flinch just then?"

	JC shook his head. "I didn't flinch."

	"Yes you did. What was it that made you flinch? Was it
me mentioning Daniel or me drawing a comparison between the
two of you?"

	"Stop it Joey." JC's hands drew up into fists, his
body tensing for the battle.

	Joey reached over and grabbed JC's shoulder, pulling
towards him. JC jumped backwards at his touch, scrambling
back on the bed.

	Joey looked at him in surprise. "I'm not going to hurt
you Josh. Did someone hurt you?"

	JC shook his head frantically. "NO."

	Joey climbed onto the bed and JC scrambled backwards
again. Joey held his hands up.

	"Just stay still Josh. Let me touch you."

	JC shook his head, letting his body relax to take the
blows easier. If he was tense it hurt more. JC had figured
that out a long time ago.

	Joey watched as a change came over Josh's body as he
moved closer to him. He seemed to just give up.

	"Josh if someone hurt you in the past please tell me.
I'm not going to hurt you."

	JC bit his lip, nodding his head slowly.

	"Who was it?" His voice shook with fear. JC shook his
head, not moving, his body tensing like a coil again.

	"Please Josh. Tell me." Joey gently stroked JC's
cheek, trying to get him to open up.

	"Greg." JC whispered. Joey couldn't hear him and he
leaned in closer. "Who?"

	"Greg. It was Greg."

	It all fell into place. Greg had been with Josh for
about six months while they were recording No Strings
Attached. They had been inseparable and Josh had been
constantly trying to please him. After they had broken up
Josh had become very cynical and distant. They had just
attributed Josh's withdrawal to the fact that Lance started
dating Jean-Michel and Britney and Justin had gotten
closer. His string of bad relationships started soon
afterwards.

	Whenever they fought, Josh always became very humble
and apologized a lot. He could never meet Joey's eyes when
they were arguing.

	Joey wrapped his arms around JC who still hadn't
moved. He was stiff in Joey's arms. Joey didn't let him go,
letting JC know that he was there.

	"I'm so sorry I never noticed. I'm so sorry." Joey
murmured to him as he held him.

	JC was numb. He didn't know how it happened but
suddenly Joey knew his secret. He just wanted to run away.
Joey was not going to want to love him now.

	"Let go of me." JC said forcefully. He wanted to
scream he felt so trapped.

	Joey let go of JC, trying to hold back the tears that
were threatening. JC looked at him in disbelief.

	"Why are you crying?"

	"Because I love you and I can't stand the idea of you
being hurt. I wish I had known."

	"Stop it! Just stop it! It was my fault!" JC stood up,
running his hand through his hair.

	"I made him do it! Don't you understand. I drove him
to hit me. He had no choice."

	Joey was dumbfounded. He couldn't believe how confused
JC was about this. He had never seen a patient so convinced
it was their fault so many years later. And it was someone
he loved.

	Joey opened his mouth but JC cut him off. "Don't say
anything! I don't want you to fucking analyze me. Forget
your degree. Forget your training! Just don't."

	"I am not a patient or a case study! I am your
boyfriend!"

	JC sat down in a chair. "I don't want you to tell me
not to feel this way." JC closed his eyes, fighting his
emotions.

	"You have no idea how I feel." He whispered, his body
drained of all energy.

	Joey got up and walked over to the man he loved. JC
looked like death warmed over. His face had lost all color
and his eyes were listless. He didn't even acknowledge
Joey's approach this time.

	Joey knelt down and took JC's hand in his own. He
pressed it against his cheek. JC looked down at Joey. He
barely recognized him sitting there.

	JC's mind was a blur. His eyes lost focus and he let
himself go.

	There had been a time when he was happy. Nothing had
hurt him and his life was what he wanted. 'Nsync was at a
point in their lives where they had never been closer. They
were fighting for their careers, for their music, and for
their freedom.

	He wished he could go back and make those choices
again. The choice to invite Greg home that one night. The
choice to not fight back the first time he called him
stupid. And the choice to cover up the bruises.

	JC couldn't go back. All that was left was moving
forward. He squeezed the hand in his own, feeling the flesh
and bone. Joey's hand. Joey was with him. Joey wasn't
leaving him.

	The guilt flashed up again and he tried to pull away
from Joey. Tightly Joey held him, not letting the inner
struggle in JC pull him away.

	JC battled Joey's tight grip as he tried to get away
from the feelings of guilt and shame that rose up inside
him. It had been so easy to bury these feelings before Joey
knew.

	Now they had to face the truth. They had to face JC's
past.




---Email me and let me know what you think.

Survey results:

	The winner by far was Jean-Michel
	followed by Chris and then Joey and JC.