Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000 07:46:26 +0100 (BST)
From: "[iso-8859-1] Lashrac" <eternal_nsync@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Destiny's Decision_Chapter 9

Disclaimer, you know the deal, no reading unless you are over the age limit
of 21 or whateva it is that your country says it is! blah blah blah! This
story does not imply that anyone ('Nsync or A1) mentioned here is gay blah
blah, or that I know any of them personally blah blah.......  I wish I did
know them though, it wouldn't be all that bad.

*SNIFF* *SNIFF* I'm in a really sad mood right now. Things between me and
Ollie haven't been really been working out, *sigh*. But I guess the show
still has to go on right? yeah i guess it does. But how much i CAN write is
hard to say, i have NO idea how long this one can be. Maybe adding Ollie
into this story was a bad idea, it makes me think of him, and right now
that's the last thing i want to do, coz it gets me all sad and i get all
emotional.  This chapter might be one with alot of emotion in it (since so
much of me goes into it), and I hope you understand how i'm feeling right
now. I guess that's pretty much all i have to say, BUT......even though I
KNOW Ollie isn't reading this, i HAVE to say it.

I love you always, I enjoyed those days you treated me as your friend, and
even if we never speak to each other again you will forever be in my
heart. If a relationship wasn't meant to be, then maybe we could've stayed
friends, but i guess it was too much for you. I'll never regret the day I
fell in love with you, and i'll never regret the fact that i can at least
say i've loved someone, even if they never loved me. You destroyed a part
of me that day, but no matter what you do I forgive you, i've lost a part
of me to you and i could never ask for it back, because it forever belongs
to you, all i asked for was to be loved in return. I guess the day has come
for me to leave, maybe not physically, but maybe its best if we go out
seperate ways, never to cross each other's paths again. I wish it never had
to come to this, but it's whats best, for both of us. I just wish i could
drop everything as easily as you have. I wish I had the strength to tell
you face to face, the strength to stare into your eyes without feeling
guilty. I wish I could do as Jason did, to confront you and open up, but I
don't have the strength to, and i'll forever crave the innocence of a
touch, the innocence of being loved, and crave most, the innocence of a
kiss.

-------------------------------
*previously on Destiny's Decision*

"Just call it ok. Talk to him and discuss everything. I'll be in my room,
tell me when you're done." With that Justin walked off, leaving Jason
behind with Ollie's number. Jason was debating over whether or not he
should call. His heart won in the end, and he picked up the phone. After a
few rings he decided that no-one was home, but just as he was about to hang
up, someone picked it up.

"Hello, Oliver speaking."

"Ollie...it's Jason."

-------------------------------

Chapter 9

"Hi, what's up?" Ollie sounded uncomfortable. But as much as Jason was?
Maybe.

"Um, I was calling about, um you know, us."

"What are you talking about Jase?"

"I've been doing alot of thinking, and things are coming back to me, things
that I don't know if I should be feeling."

"I still don't know what you're talking about."

"Damn it Ollie, do I have to be so direct in everything i say?"

Ollie snickered a little, but he knew Jason was serious and so he needed to
be as well. "No, I was just playing with ya."

"Well don't, I'm being serious here."

"For once."

"STOP IT NOW!"

"Fine, always ruin the fun in things don't you?" When Jason didn't answer,
Ollie knew he had taken it too far. "Sorry, didn't mean to be so
offensive."

"That's ok, just that...nothing."

"Do you wanna come over and talk instead? it'll be easier."

"If you don't mind..."

"It's ok."

The conversation died down from there on, Ollie told Jason his address and
the directions and they both hung up. Jason was hesistant, but he wanted to
sort things out.  He wandered up to Justin's room and found him lying on
the bed watching TV.

"Hey Just, I'm gonna head over to Ollie's place for a bit, we wanna get
some things sorted out."

"That's cool Jase, you want me to come with you?"

"Nah, I think it'll be easier if it was just me and him."

"OK, if you say so, if you need me you know where to call, ok?"

"YEP" Jason walked over and pulled Justin into a kiss before leaving for
his car. The drive took longer than expected because Jason wasn't quite
familiar with Orlando yet. When he finally found Ollie's place, memories
plagued him again. The house looked almost exactly the same as the one
Ollie used to live in. He didn't have to push the doorbell before the door
opened. Ollie stood there in a t-shirt and track-pants. The moment Jason
looked around the inside of the house, he knew that Ollie had purposely
renovated the house to look like his old one.

"Tom and them have gone to New York, they won't be back till the end of the
week."

"So it's just you and me?"

"Yep, make yourself at home."

Jason did just that, he flopped down on a sofa and waited for Ollie to sit
down. To his surprise he sat down right next to him, and suddenly he felt
uncomfortable again.

"So, what did you wanna talk about?"

"US."

"Yeah.......be more specific."

"I'm confused, about everything i'm feeling. I thought that i was over you,
I love Justin, but when i saw you today, something flared up inside
me. Something I don't know how to explain, but i KNOW i've felt it
before. I don't want to hurt Justin, I LOVE him, but then there's this
other thing, i dunno what it is. I dunno what to do." Jason looked away,
knowing that it had to do with Ollie.

"Do what your heart tells you to." Ollie looked at Jason's confused
expression.

"It's telling me to do something I KNOW is wrong." He turned his head back
to Ollie, and found himself staring into those eyes again. He could see a
sparkle in them, a glint that he didn't notice when they were at the
airport. "Ollie? are you still in love with me?"

Ollie looked away, ashamed and yet scared. "Yes, I still love you, I still
love you as much as I loved you the day you left. I never got over you, and
I don't think I ever will." A tear formed in his eye as he looked back at
Jason, who hadn't taken his eyes off him.

"That's all i needed to know." Jason acted upon what his heart told him, he
placed his hand on Ollie's cheek, the feeling was as it was 3 years ago, "I
think i still love you, but i'm also in love with Justin."

Ollie moved his hand up and placed it on Jason's, it was still as smooth
and soft as it was the first time he touched it. "Then stay with Justin, I
can see he loves you, and you love him."

"But I don't want to lose you either."

"You won't lose me, I'll always be here," Ollie placed his hand on Jason's
chest where his heart was, "and we'll always remember each other."

"But I don't want you to be only in my heart, I want you to be here, WITH
me."

"Don't say that Jason, you're just confused, you love Justin, not me."

"I LOVE you and Justin, but i just feel that little bit more when I'm with
you."

"It's been along time Jason, we're not the same people anymore, and I'm
sure Justin can make you more happy than I ever could."

"You were my first love, he was my first boy-friend. Yes he fills the void
that's in me, but he can't fill it ALL up, YOU, can. Yes I feel safe and
loved when i'm in his arms, but with you it feels as though i could give up
the world."

"But how will Justin feel? Did you think of his feelings if you break up
with him, he'll feel as though he was only a substitute, he'll be heart
broken."

"I know, and that's why I'm confused, I dunno what to do."

Ollie pulled Jason into his arms, and once again a wave of sadness swept
over him. How he wanted to be able to just hold Jason and not feel sad
because he knew that it wouldn't be returned.  Jason willingly let Ollie
hold him, he felt safe and loved. He fit perfectly into the crook of
Ollie's neck, and he was the perfect height for him to rest his head on
Ollie's shoulder. All the confusion seemed to be swept away by the simple
embrace, and everything seemed back to normal. Jason knew that he was in
too much of an emotional state to drive, and hesistantly asked Ollie if he
could stay for the night.

"Ollie? can I stay here tonight?" He remained on Ollie's shoulder.

"Of course you can, you're welcome to stay whenever you want, for as long
as you want."

"Thanx...I want to stay like this forever, it feels so right." Suddenly
Jason felt a wave of sleepiness fall upon him.

"I wish we could as well...Jason?" He got no reply, and when he looked down
at Jason, he saw he was alseep, "Oh well." He carried Jason, in his arms,
up to his own room and placed him in his bed. He had pulled the covers up
and was about to leave when he felt Jason grab his hand.

"Yes?"

"Can you stay with me? I don't want you to leave."

"Fine." Jason quickly skidded to the otherside of the bed, letting Ollie
get in.

"Thanx." He hesistantly snuggled up to Ollie, and waited for a response.
When he didn't do anything, Jason decided that he didn't mind, and quickly
fell asleep resting on Ollie's chest.

Ollie looked down at the young man infront of him. He could remember 3
years ago they were just energetic teenagers, and although they still were
teenagers, they had matured a great deal.  Ollie remembered that night on
Jason's birthday, the last birthday celebration before he left.

**FLASHBACK**

Jason had invited a group of friends over to his place for his birthday.
They were all worn out, and headed off to sleep, Ollie was to stay in
Jason's room with him, the others paired up for the 2 guest rooms. Jason
was dead tired and had fallen asleep almost instantyl. Ollie was tired, but
he couldn't sleep, all he could think about was Jason. After a while, when
he knew that Jason was completely asleep, he got up and silently walked
over to Jason.  He took in every detail of Jason's sleeping face, how
peaceful he looked, how carefree it was. He leant in and placed his lips on
Jason's. He quickly pulled away and slipped back into bed, scared that
Jason might have woken up. But nothing ever happened and he fell asleep,
Jason never knew and probably never would.

**END FLASHBACK**

Ollie felt tears escape his eyes and down his face. He could remember that
night clearly, that night he first kissed Jason. Ever since that day he
longed for another kiss, although he did, each time it brought pain instead
of happiness. The feeling of having Jason so close was unbelievable. He
felt complete at the present moment, and he never wished to let go, but he
knew that when he woke up the next morning, Jason would be gone, he
would've gone back to Justin, and they would never see each other again.

Ollie began singing, something he rarely did, he sung softly, beautifully
and all in a whisper.

'I've never felt this way before.
'L'ost I was in a maze of lies,
'O'nly you brought the thruth.
'V'ast distances we have crossed,
'E'ternally seeking for you my Angel

'U'nderstand how i've been feeling,
'M'y sprit has never been so bright
'Y' can't you stand beside me?

'A'ngel, you are my light and soul,
'N'ever will I feel the same without you,
'G'od has destined for us to be apart,
'E'ternal loneliness is my fate.
'L'onging for your return to me.

'I've never felt this way before.
'L'ost I was in a maze of lies,
'O'nly you brought the thruth.
'V'ast distances I have crossed,
'E'ternally seeking for
'U', my Angel

'A'nother cannot fill this gap.
'L'ost forever you are to me.
'W'herever you go doesn't matter
'A's long as our love lasts,
'Y'ou will always be my Angel
'S'hining upon me

'You are my angel' - written by me, Lashrac

-----------------------------

Well, there you have it, a VERY short chapter. SORRY! but i just couldn't
write anymore. If i did then i probably would've broken down, thinking
about Ollie is too much as it is, let alone having him so 'good' in this
story. BTW, that song that Ollie sings (just above all this B.S im writing
now) 'You are my angel' was written by me. Those are lyrics, but i don't
have any time to find someone to write the music for it. coz if i could, i
would honestly make it into a REAL song. For those that didn't notice, read
the first letter of each line in teh song. if u read downwards then it
should say something.

and until next time, have fun! i know i won't be, so i hope you do
instead!!!  next chapter may take a bit of time, coz im not really in teh
mood to write another chapter yet.  maybe in a week or so!