Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 18:37:32 CST
From: Phantom Writer <phantomwriter73@hotmail.com>
Subject: Dream-of-a-Guardian-Angel-5

"Dream of a Guardian Angel: After the Dream"
By: Phantom Writer


Legal Stuff: This material is not meant to be read by anyone under 18.  If
you're offended by literature with homosexual themes, step off!  If not,
read on.  This is a work of FICTION.  Therefore, the author makes no claims
as to the sexual orientation of any member of *N Sync.  I have permission to
incorporate facts from the life of my friend and neighbor in the form of the
main character, Jase.

Side Note: Well, here's installment 5!  I PROMISE no more 'isle' instead of
'aisle.'  (See what happens when you aren't paying attention to AUTOCORRECT
settings -- SUCKS!)  Anywho, this one was difficult to write.  I hope I make
good on my work to keep improving with each installment.  Please read the
previous installments of "Dream of a Guardian Angel" before continuing any
further - it will make much more sense.  As always, for anyone who would
like to send comments or suggestions, please do so.
(phantomwriter73@hotmail.com)

Special Thanks: Jase, thanks for 'being' the fictional Jase.  You're the
best!  And for all those who e-mailed, a big THANKS for the support.

Now, without further ado...

(Previously...from "Dream of a Guardian Angel: The Truth Unfolds.")

I never knew that my outburst in the night had startled the guys upstairs
awake.  Nor did I know that they had heard me playing the piano and stood in
the doorway, silently listening and watching me in the darkness.  Only when
I heard someone sniffle did I turn to see Justin, Lance, JC, Joey and Chris
with looks of awe on their faces as tears fell downs their cheeks.  I
couldn't speak.  I simply turned away and continued playing the song.  They
could never know the meaning of sharing music with them.  I remembered my
dream of a guardian angel and knew this was meant to be.  I had found my
guardian angels.

And now, "Revelation."

I continued to play several more songs.  I don't know how long the guys just
stood there, not saying a word, but listening to every note I played.
Playing the piano had definitely calmed me, and I once again could sing
without choking back the tears.  I closed my eyes and sang.

	'Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?
	Why should my heart feel lonely, and long for heaven and home.
	When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is He,
	For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
	For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
	I sing because I'm happy, and I sing because I'm free.
	For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.'

As I finished singing my favorite hymn, I opened my eyes.  I could feel the
tears returning and I wasn't even sure why.  I turned to look at the doorway
only to find it empty.  'Where did they go?  I hope I didn't offend them by
not talking to them when they were here earlier.  Once again, Jason, you've
mess up.'  I got up from the piano and walked back into the den.  I stumbled
in the dark.  I was still not sure of my surroundings, and with the
moonlight obscured by what I assumed were curtains, I just inched my way
toward the couch.  That is when I got the shock of the century.  I sat down
right in someone's lap.

"What the...Now let me think.  Either I just copped a squat right into
someone's lap or this couch is awfully EXCITED to see me.  Let...me...think.
  If this is Justin, I know you said 'You're staying with me tonight,' but
don't be expectin' any lovin' BIG BOY!  I have a headache."  I stood up to
face the couch.  As I turned, someone switched on a lamp and I'll be damned
if I hadn't in fact sat in Justin's lap.  Justin's mouth was wide open, and
as everyone's eyes adjusted to the light, we all fell out laughing at
Justin's expression.  I sat on the floor and stared back up at Justin once
the laughter had subsided.  Justin got a big grin on his face.

"DAMN, and I even brought rubbers!"  Justin and the rest of the guys busted
out laughing.  I, on the other hand, was left with my mouth wide open in
surprise.

"That's a first!  I never thought I'd see Jase caught short on words!"  Joey
was much impressed with his observation, so I decided to send him into
another 'what did he just say?' tailspin.

"Well, I'll be a suck-egg-fool."  I said this with nothing short of a
matter-of-fact tone and waited for the fallout.

"Ah, SHIT.  There he goes again.  What'd he say?"  Joey again pulled his
'dumb and confused' face out for display.

"Shocked, maybe.  Short on words, NEVER!  If you haven't figured it out yet,
I could talk the hind legs off a mule.  So being short on words just doesn't
fit my profile.  But now I have to ask, what in the world were y'all doing
here sitting in the dark?  I really didn't mean to wake y'all up,
especially..."

"Jase, we had only been here from the airport for about 15 minutes before
you yelled out in your sleep.  I had just gotten to the top of the stairs
after having taken your clothes off..."

"Lance!  And all this time I've been thinking Justin was the little
horn-dog!"  I said this smiling, but Lance looked pissed.  The other guys
noticed and refrained from laughing out loud.

"Damn it, Jase.  You're doing it again!  Why do you always have to turn
everything into a fuckin' joke or smart-ass comment!"  Lance looked as if he
was about to cry.  I, on the other hand, had tears falling freely down my
face and began trembling with the emotional outburst building from within.

By some miracle, I didn't go off.  I stood, walked out of the den, and
returned to the studio with the piano.  By the time I reached the piano
bench, my tears had stopped.  I was shutting down inside, my mind overloaded
with anger, confusion, guilt, and rage.  Why was it that these five young
men, people I had met less than a day ago, seemed to know me so well?  They
read me like a book, seeing the sadness behind the laughter, the pain behind
the smile.  My own family never knew the hours I cried myself to sleep
wishing I could tell them who I really was.  I spent ten years hiding behind
humor to shield myself from my family ever discovering I was gay.  And now,
someone was calling me on my actions.  I wasn't prepared to handle ten years
of emotion at this moment.  So my sub-conscience sent my mind into survival
mode - isolate the emotions and suppress them from surfacing.  I was in a
daze, never registering that JC, Justin, Lance, Joey and Chris had followed
me back into the studio.

"Please talk to us.  Don't shut us out!"  Lance began to sob.  I never even
comprehended what he said.  I was slipping away into my safe place, the
place I had spent over a week after my family's death until Leslie made me
confront my pain.  I knew I would have to tell them the whole story.
Keeping the fact that I was gay from the guys was causing my emotional
swings to decimate what little spark of joy I had left in my soul.  I
couldn't seem to break the cycle of confronting the pain and then
suppressing it.  But this was not the time.  I didn't know why, but
something inside told me tonight was not the night for my revelation.

I don't remember when or how, but the next thing I registered was sitting on
someone's bed.  I looked up to the faces surrounding me.  First, I saw JC.
His eyes were mesmerizing.  I saw in him the controlled turmoil of someone
in love with someone, but unable to acknowledge that love.  Next, I saw
Chris.  Concern and compassion showed clearly on his face.  Then I looked at
Joey.  The pain in his eyes showed understanding.  Justin's eyes were
clouded with tears, hiding the truth within.  Finally, I looked at Lance
and, as in the plane before reaching Orlando, my emotions overpowered me and
the tears began to fall endlessly.  Lance sat beside me on the bed and
pulled me into a tight embrace.  After I cried myself to sleep, Lance pulled
the covers back and put me into bed.

**While I was asleep*************

"How can Jase keep doing this to himself?  Why can't he just let everything
out?"  Lance was perplexed.

"Scoop, can't you see it in his eyes?  There is more going on than any of us
realize.  I saw it in his eyes in Dallas.  I saw it on the flight here.
Jase will tell us when the time is right.  We just have to be patient.  And
Scoop, lay off Jase about making jokes and what not.  Don't you remember him
saying that was his defense mechanism?  Until he trusts us, he will guard
himself from us.  And I think he really needs us to just be here, you know?"
  Chris shocked everyone with his perception of the situation.

"But..."

"No 'buts' Lance.  Let well enough alone.  Tomorrow after our meeting, we
can all come back here and just be with him, get to know him.  I mean SHIT,
did any of you know that he could sing and play the piano?  And did anyone
notice that Jase played and sang 'This I Promise You' and the album hasn't
even been released?  He's obviously a fan and yet he hasn't even asked us
any *N Sync questions or gotten fanatic on us or anything."  Chris had
everyone nodding in agreement.

"Let's get to bed.  It's nearly three in the morning and we have to be at
the meeting at 10AM sharp.  Justin, I'll take the couch down stairs and you
can take my bed, Ok?"  JC was already heading for the door when Justin
spoke.

"No, I think I'll stay in here.  My bed's a King Size, so there's plenty of
room."  JC looked at Justin in shock, but could see Justin was determined.

Joey and Chris followed JC out of Justin's room, but Lance just sat down
next to me on the bed.

"Curly, do you mind if I stay in here too?  I want to be here if Jase has
another nightmare.  It's all my fault..." Lance began to cry again.

"Scoop, it's nobody's fault.  You just want to help, but if Jase isn't ready
for your help, you have to wait.  And, I don't mind if you stay in here with
Jase and me.  You'd do the same for me!"  Justin sat beside Lance and put
his arm around Lance's shoulder.  Lance laid his head on Justin's arm.
Little did either Justin or Lance know, but JC was standing in the doorway
seeing the entire scene.  Tears came to JC's eyes as he quietly went back to
his room and cried himself to sleep.

"Pick a side, I've gotta piss."  Justin left the room as Lance took off his
clothes.  He left only his boxers on and climbed into bed.  Justin returned
wearing only silk boxers.

"Scoop, you ready for lights out?"

"I'm ready.  Let's get some sleep.  Don't forget to set your alarm though.
We can't miss the meeting tomorrow."

Justin set his alarm, climbed into bed and got comfortable.  He was almost
asleep when he heard Lance begin to lightly snore.  Justin smiled as he
slipped off to sleep.

**When I woke up*************

My eyes slowly opened yet again to unfamiliar surroundings.  I stretched and
sat up.  'How in the hell did I get in here?  The last thing I remember...oh
great, yet another emotional episode.  These guys are gonna think I'm
crazy!'  I got up and saw a note taped to the door of whoever's bedroom.

'Jase,

We had to go to a meeting and didn't want to wake you.  Make yourself at
home.  If the phone rings, you can answer it; it should be my mom.  I called
her this morning and told her you were my guest for as long as you're in
Orlando.  She will be home tomorrow and is dying to meet you.

We should be back around 1PM and the guys and I were thinking about maybe
ordering pizza or something, we're not sure.

Hope you slept well.  Lance and I weren't too sure with all the gropin' you
did last night!

Justin

I had to read the last sentence again.  'GROPIN?  What the hell is he
talking about?  Oh, I bet the little shit is trying to get back at me for
yesterday's antics.  He'll think 'GROPIN' when he gets back here this
afternoon.'

It was 10:30AM, so I found my way downstairs and finally located my duffel
bag.  I grabbed a change of clothes and headed for the bathroom I had
discovered on my way downstairs.  After a good, hot shower, I got dressed,
returned downstairs and grabbed the envelope from the attorneys.  I read
through the documents and grabbed my cell phone.

'Hey Gary...I'm doin' as well as can be expected.  Listen, I'm gonna need
you to take care of some things for me while I'm out of
town...Orlando...yesterday.  I'll be back the end of next weekend, but I
need these things taken care of ASAP...I'll send you everything I have
Overnight Express and then call me on my cell...Thanks, I appreciate you
lookin' at this for me.'

Gary had been my lawyer since I started working in Dallas three years ago.
I wanted to make sure my legal matters were taken care of properly, and he
was the best.  I decided to call Leslie and let her know I had taken her
advice and left Dallas.  Unfortunately, I got her voice mail.  I decided to
find the kitchen and get some coffee.  Then I thought back to the note
Justin had left.  Maybe I should cook something up for lunch as a way of
saying 'Thank You' to the guys.  They had put up with a lot of my shit.

I found the kitchen, looked through the pantry and fridge, and decided to
make some of my famous Chicken Alfredo from scratch.  The only thing missing
was the fresh pasta, but dried pasta would have to do.  I got the sauce
going and was about to prepare the chicken when the phone rang.

"Hello"

"Is this Jason?"

"Yes. Is this Justin's mom?"

"How'd you know?"

"The same way you knew this was Jason.  Your son told me to answer the phone
because you would be calling."

"Well, I'm Lynn.  And listen, make yourself at home.  If you need anything,
just let Justin know.  He's a good kid.  Also, let him know I won't be back
in Orlando until next weekend.  I have to fly to Europe this afternoon.
Tell Justin I'll call him before I leave.  He may get upset because I told
him I would be there tomorrow to spend some quality time with him.  He's
been rather distant the last several months and I'm worried, but anyway.
Did you find somethin' to eat for breakfast?  Justin said you were still
asleep right before he hung up this morning."

"Well, I didn't have breakfast because I'm cooking the guys some lunch.
Quick question, do you possibly have a grill?  I'm making Chicken Alfredo
and I prefer to grill the chicken rather than bake it."

"You're cooking for the guys?  That's nice of you, but don't feel obligated
to pamper them."

"It's really just to say thank you for last night.  They really helped
me..."

"Hon, you don't have to say anything.  Justin told me about everything.  I'm
really sorry."

"Thank you." I didn't know what else to say.  "But back to the grill."

"I'm sorry, the grill's on the patio.  Well, I've got to go.  Tell the guys
hello for me and that I missed them while they were gone."

"I will.  And thank you for your hospitality.  It means more than you will
ever know."

"It's my pleasure.  Take care."

Lynn hung up the phone and I found the grill on the patio.  I fired it up
and got back to the kitchen.  I grilled the chicken and was finishing the
salad and breadsticks when the front door opened.  JC, Justin, Lance, Chris
and Joey strolled in but suddenly everyone stopped.

"Is that what I think it is?  FOOD!"  Justin lit up like a Christmas Tree.

"No, it's called LUNCH were I'm from.  FOOD is what you find in a grocery
store.  I'm just finishing up, so everyone find a seat at the table and we
can eat."  I started bringing in the trays of food.

"What's on the menu?"  Joey kept sniffing the air like a hound dog on the
trail.

"Well let's see.  I've got pasta, Alfredo sauce, grilled chicken,
breadsticks, and salad.  That gives you several combinations to mix and
match to your liking."  I finished bringing in the last items and sat down.

"Where did you order this from?"  Joey's eyes were wide with hunger as he
looked at the mounds of food on the table.

"Someone BITCH SLAP him before I pull a Justin and open a can of Whoop-ass
on him."

All five turned and looked at me in shock.

"I made this from scratch, smart-ass!  Don't tell me y'all do nothing but
eat out unless someone cooks for you!"  I couldn't believe what I was
hearing.  But then again, when would they have time to cook?

"You're shittin' me!  You made all of this?"  Chris nearly fell out of his
chair.

"Yeeesss.  I wanted to do something to show y'all I appreciate y'all putting
up with my bull shit last night.  Something to try to say 'Thank You' for
being there, even if I was a jerk."

"You weren't a jerk!  You just needed a little lovin' that's all."  Justin
popped off and I saw my opportunity.

"Oh, a little lovin'!  So that's why my ass is so sore this morning.  I take
it from your note this morning that I didn't sleep alone.  And as for you
other three, how could you leave me alone with these two walkin' hard-ons?
Do you have no love for me at all?"  I started giggling.

"Well it sure as hell wasn't my idea!"  JC looked at me coldly and continued
to fix his plate.

"Enough said, let's eat."  Lance brought the conversation to a halt, which I
appreciated.  I needed to find the right thing to say to JC to help him see
the 'light' and not feel threatened by my friendship with Justin.  I just
didn't know when the time would be right.

We ate lunch and talked little while both Joey and Justin seemed to inhale
the food while the rest of us ate leisurely.  Only after everything was
eaten did I apologize for not preparing any dessert.  Lance looked at me
with a silly grin.

"So you can cook?  Can you clean and do laundry too?"  The other guys
chuckled at his attempted joke, but I didn't take to his joke as well as I
probably should have.

"You learn how to do lots of things when there's no one else to do them for
you."  I stood from the table, grabbed my plate, and returned to the
kitchen.  I didn't know why I said what I said, but I regretted it already.
I returned to the dining room.

"Lance, I'm sorry I snapped at you.  I must have forgotten to take my
'Anti-Bitchy' pill this morning.  I'm just in a mood today.  I don't like
relayin' bad news."  I had intended to tell Justin that his mom wasn't
coming home tomorrow some time later, but life never seems to follow my
plans.

"What bad news?  You're not leaving are you?"  Justin was concerned and
moved toward me quickly.

"No, I'm not leaving yet, unless y'all are tired of being around an
emotional wreck.  The bad news, how can I say this.  She said you would
probably get upset."  I was thinking out loud without even realizing it.

"Let me guess.  My mom isn't coming home tomorrow.  That's typical.  Just
when I have some time off, she is away and can't even see me."  Justin
walked out of the den and toward the front door.  Obviously, this was old
news to the guys since they all just shook their heads and said nothing.

"Justin, wait!  Where are you going?"  I was lost by the whole situation.

"I just need to get some air.  I'm gonna cruise for a while."  Justin was
already walking out the door.

I grabbed the envelope I needed to send Gary and told the guys I was going
with Justin and not to worry.  I ran outside and jumped into the passenger
side of Justin's car.  He just looked at me blankly.

"If you don't mind, I would like some time alone."

"Well I do mind, and besides, if you're gonna go cruisin' around at least
you can help me take care of some important business.  You forgot I don't
have the foggiest idea where I am and couldn't even call a cab to come get
me since I don't know your address."  I chose my words and the tone of my
voice carefully.  I didn't want another Lance incident.

"Oh yah!  I forgot about that.  I'm sorry.  What do you need to do?"  Justin
had managed a little smile.

"All I need to do is go to a Post Office and then I would like to stop by a
news-stand.  I haven't seen the Journal today, so I want to pick one up."
(That's the Wall Street Journal for those who didn't know.)

"Then sit back, fasten your seatbelt, and let's jet."  Justin sped out of
the driveway and we were on our way.

I sat quietly and looked out of the window.  I knew Justin needed to think
to himself.  Justin pulled up to a Post Office and I got out without a word.
  After dropping off the legal papers for Gary, I returned to the car and
got back in.  Justin was on his cell phone.

"I'm OK!  Besides, Jase is with me and he needed to get a couple things
done.  I totally forgot we had kinda kidnapped him at the airport and then
left him alone until after noon.  Some friends we are, right?"  Justin
smiled at me as he said this.

'Friends?  They consider themselves my friends?'  I hadn't even realized
this.  It just seemed so odd, and yet so normal.  I felt I could tell these
guys anything and they would be there no matter what.  Justin startled me
when he touched my shoulder.

"Jase, you OK?"

"Yah, I was just thinking.  Anyway, who was that on the phone?"

"JC.  He was worried about me.  He's always looked out for me ever since we
were kids on MMC."  Justin started the car and we were off.

Justin took me to get a Wall Street Journal.  When we stopped, I told Justin
to circle the block and I'd be waiting when he got back.  I ran up to the
stand and damn near fell over dead.  On the cover of nearly every 'Gossip
Rag' was a picture of me with Lance's arm around me in the airport last
night.  I grabbed two or three and read the headlines.  'Gay Shocker: *N
Sync's Lance Bass Sighted with Boyfriend.'  'Mystery Solved: Lance Bass Seen
with Gay Boyfriend.'  'Who IS, Who ISN'T: Well Lance Bass IS.'  I bought the
'rags' and quickly returned to the corner.  I rolled up the magazines and
waited.  Justin drove up and I got in.

"Let's get back to your house, NOW!"  Justin was shocked, but could see I
was serious.

We arrived back only about thirty minutes after we left.  I walked into the
den and didn't say a word to anyone.  I picked up my cell phone and called
Gary.  As I waited for Gary's secretary to pick up, I threw the magazines on
the coffee table near where everyone, including Justin was sitting.  I heard
several gasps.  I walked into the kitchen for some privacy so I could
instruct Gary on what I wanted.

**While in the kitchen*************

"I can't believe this!  How could they?  Why?"  Lance was close to hysterics
when Joey sat down beside him.  JC, Chris, Joey and Lance hadn't noticed the
far away look on Justin's face.  Justin began to talk to himself out loud.

"Why?  Why Lance?  He doesn't deserve this shit!  Besides I'm the one who's
gay."  Justin never realized these words had come out loud.

"WHAT!  What'd you just say?  I can't fuckin' believe this shit!"  JC never
stopped to think how easily the sound of confusion and anger in one's voice
can be hard to distinguish.  Justin began to cry hysterically.

"Can't believe WHAT!  That I'm...GAY or that your former best friend never
told you before!  I...I'm being suffocated by this goody-goody image of the
boy next door who will marry some girl and live happily ever after.  I just
can't go on.  I am who I am!  And if you and the others can't believe this,
then I QUIT!  FUCK *N SYNC, AND FUCK ALL OF YOU!"  Justin ran out of the
den.

**Coming back from the kitchen*************

I had just hung up with Gary when I heard Justin yell 'I QUIT...' and
quickly made my way toward the den.  That's when Justin ran into me, looked
into my eyes, and increased the intensity of his sobs while he ran for the
front door.  I ran after him.

"Justin, what's goin' on?"

"None of your FUCKIN' business.  You could never understand."  Justin yelled
back at me as he ran for his Benz.  I jumped in the passenger side seat
before he started the car and grabbed the keys from the ignition.

"You're not goin' anywhere until you tell me what the HELL is goin' on!"

"Watch me!"  Justin jumped out the car and ran toward the street.  He was
blinded by his tears and stopped on the opposite side of the street from his
house, stood there, and covered his face with his hands.  Justin fell to his
knees and yelled at the top of his lounges.

I started walking toward him when I heard a loud rumble from a distance.  I
turned and saw a garbage truck coming down the street.  I took off running
and was at top speed when I reached Justin.  I hooked my hands firmly under
his arms in mid-run.  The momentum of my body and the firm grip I had on
Justin was enough to throw both of us clear of the oncoming truck, which
barely missed hitting us.  I heard the squeal of the breaks on the truck as
it came to a halt some distance away.

"Are you two OK?  I didn't see that guy until right before you ran across
the street.  I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"We'll be fine, but I suggest you get back in your truck and never speak of
this again.  If you're still here when I get up, I will teach you what it
feels like to 'NOT PAY ATTENTION!"  I looked at the truck driver who quickly
ran back to the garbage truck and pulled away.  I turned my attention to
Justin.  He was white as a sheet and trembling uncontrollably.  I stood up
and made sure he wasn't injured before I scooped him up in my arms and
returned to the house.

I hadn't closed the door completely when I followed Justin out, so I kicked
it open and walked inside.  The other guys heard me enter and met me at the
bottom of the stairs.

"What happened?  We heard tires skidding just a minute ago."  Chris spoke
with fear and concern.  I didn't respond, but looked at each of them as the
tears started running down my cheeks.  The realization of what had just
happened suddenly hit me.  I continued upstairs and was glad no one
followed.

I made my way down the hall towards Justin's room.  Once inside, I sat
Justin on the edge of the bed.  I knelt in front of him and waited for him
to look at me.  Finally, Justin's eyes focused on mine.  He just stared at
me until I spoke.

"Justin, please tell me what happened.  I can't stand seeing you like this.
You've been here for me from the time we met yesterday.  Let me be here for
you.  I just need you to tell me what's up.  I can't fix it if you don't
tell me what's wrong."  I allowed my tears to flow uninterrupted.  I could
see Justin struggling with the decision to tell me or not.  Finally he
spoke.  His words were so quiet, so afraid.

"I...I slipped up and let the guys know that...that...Jase, I'm gay."
Justin closed his eyes.  I stood in front of Justin, hooked my hands under
his arms and pulled him into a standing position.  I hugged him warmly, and
with compassion.

"Oh, Just.  I guess they didn't take it too well?  I'm so sorry.  But can
you give them a chance to understand?"

"I can't!  I blew up at them and quit the group.  *N Sync is no more.  It's
my fault.  And now, this ought to at least give the tabloids some truth to
print."  Justin crumbled in my arms as he was wracked with sobs of despair
and pain.

I scooped him up in my arms again and positioned him on the bed.  I sat
beside him and stroked his hair as he cried himself to sleep.  After about 5
minutes, I pulled off Justin's shoes and covered him with a blanket before
leaving to go back downstairs.  I was running hot as I approached the den.
I wasn't sure what to expect, but what I found was not it.  As I walked into
the room, I found Chris hugging Joey and crying.  Lance sat on the couch by
JC, who was sobbing loudly.

"So I can assume you know what this all means?"  I had worded my question
carefully, but the response wasn't what I expected.

"YES! *N SYNC IS FINISHED!  BETWEEN THE TABLOIDS AND JUSTIN QUITTING, IT'S
ALL OVER!"  JC was hysterical, but that's when I went off.

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T GO THERE!  Y'all are sitting in here crying over the fact
that your careers are in jeopardy, while Justin is in shock upstairs after
nearly being killed after y'all kicked him to the curb?  Tell me when the
importance of friendship was replaced with your selfish goals.  DAMN!"

"That's not how it happened.  You're not being fair!"  Joey spoke with a
hint of anger in his voice.

"Then tell me what the FUCK happened to make Justin break into a million
pieces.  He's utterly devastated!"  I was calming down a bit, realizing I
truly didn't know the whole story.

"Well, when you left to talk to this Gary person, all of us were in shock
over the magazine articles, but Justin was in a daze.  He was speaking to
himself, but out loud.  Justin said...something that he had been keeping
from us.  We were in shock and couldn't believe what we had heard.  JC,
isn't that what you said 'I can't fuckin' believe this shit.'  Then Justin
just went off, we never got to say a word.  It all happened to fast.  So I
don't think you have the right..." Joey was about to lecture me when I cut
him off.

"Oh, but I think I do.  Justin told me he was gay, so what.  Did any of you
stop and think before you said something to him?  You have no idea what it
would be like to tell the ones you love that you are gay and all they say is
what JC said.  How could y'all be so thoughtless."  I could feel my emotions
taking control.  I was on the brink when JC spoke, his tears having stopped.

"We...I know.  I wasn't thinking.  I was in shock.  Oh GOD, WHAT HAVE I
DONE?"  JC began to cry again.

"What you have done is let a very hard situation get out of hand.  Justin
has obviously been having a hard time with realizing he's gay.  Lynn told me
he hasn't been himself for months.  Granted, I don't know him that well, but
I know he thinks a great deal of each of you.  Your opinion of him is sacred
to him, and to have something he never meant to say out loud get the
response it did, I understand why he thinks his life is over.  You've got to
fix this.  Fix this while you can, before it's too late."  I started crying
when I said my last statement and ran back to my salvation: the piano.

**Back in the den*************

"I can't believe we've been so dumb!  Not just with the way we have reacted
to Justin's news, but with Jase.  I think I know now."  Chris had calmed
down and was staring at the floor as he spoke.

"What are you talking about?"  Lance asked between sniffs.

"Don't y'all ever listen.  Jase has given us so many clues.  We've just
never put it all together.  Think about it.  Remember back on the plane when
he finally told us his family had been killed.  Don't any of you remember
that he said it was his fault?  Then think of what he just said.  Jase told
us to fix this before it was too late.  That's it!"  Chris hadn't noticed
the confused look on JC, Lance and Joey's faces.

"Just tell us, because I don't get were you're going with this."  Joey was
confused with the implications of Chris's analysis.

"Guys, I think Jase came out to his family and it didn't go well.  And for
some reason, he blames himself for not settling things with his family
before the accident.  He's probably been so guarded around us because he
feels the same would happen with us.  And since we didn't really do a hot
job with Justin, I think he may never trust us now.  We have to fix this."
Chris stood and turned to make sure the rest of the guys were following him.

**At the piano*************

I had started playing from the time I sat down.  What no one knew was Justin
had woke up when he heard me playing the piano directly below his bedroom.
He was at the top of the stairs when Chris, JC, Joey and Lance left the den
to come see me in the studio.  Justin walked to the end of the hallway and
stood out of sight near the door. I was trying to shut out everything around
me and get myself back in check.  I nearly had a heart attack when a hand
touched me.

"We are going to go tell Justin how sorry we are and how much we all love
him, gay or not.  We screwed up big time, but we can't let this all end
because of our stupidity.  You were right.  We are going to fix this.  But
first, do you want to talk about what's been REALLY bothering you?"  Chris
had taken a seat next to me on the piano bench and put his arm around my
shoulders.

"What's really bothering me is how easy it is to say the wrong thing when
your intentions are pure and true, and yet you end up hurting the ones you
love."  I didn't care if they understood what I meant.  I wasn't ready to do
what had now become my most dreaded nightmare; telling the guys I was gay
and having them dismiss me like my family had.

"Jase, I think what is really bothering you is your fear of how we might
react if we knew...if we knew you were...gay."  Chris felt me tense up under
his arm.  I had to tell them the WHOLE truth, not just what I wanted them to
hear.  I spoke with no emotion, no feeling.  My vulnerability was evident in
my voice.

"As I told you, my family was killed in a tragic accident almost two weeks
ago.  But I'm the reason they were even out on that highway. (Tears began to
fall)  Two weeks ago today, I had been at a family function and had decided
to tell my family I was...I am GAY.  Needless to say, my family reacted
badly to my revelation.  I was in shock and caught an early flight back to
Dallas.  My family dismissed me and told all my friends and extended family
about their 'deviant' son.  I don't know the full details, but my parents
obviously needed to get away from the situation and went to my brother's
place outside of San Antonio the same day I flew to Dallas.  The following
evening, around 9PM, I got a phone call from the Department of Public Safety
informing me that my family had been in an accident just north of San
Antonio.  I couldn't speak, and the officer just offered his condolences.  I
finally ask who had passed away, and the officer paused.  That's when he
told me.  DON'T Y'ALL UNDERSTAND!  If I hadn't told them I was gay, they
would never have been driving on that highway, a highway where a 18-wheeler
was out on the road with a drunk driver behind the wheel.  My family's dead
now and I will NEVER get a chance to see if they could learn to accept me.
I wasn't even allowed to attend the funerals!  NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND!  OH
GOD, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?  PLEASE, SOMEONE TELL ME WHY!!!"  I
walked over to the window looking out into the back yard and fell to my
knees as I let it ALL out.  There were no more secrets, no more untold
tragedies.  Justin shocked everyone when he entered the room and walked over
to me trembling, with tears clouding his eyes.

"I...I can't tell you why, Jase.  I don't even have answers for my own
questions, but hear me when I say this. (Justin had to pause to find the
words.)  From the time I met you, I knew there was something unique,
something special about you.  You've saved my life, literally.  But I'm not
the only one who feels this way. (Justin looked up to JC, Lance, Joey and
Chris.)  These guys feel the same way I do about you.  Don't ask me why, but
we all love you, no matter if you're gay or not.  And I know now that they
love me too.  Guys, can you ever forgive me?  I never meant to hide being
gay from you.  I was just so afraid that the public would find out and y'all
would blame me for ruining *N Sync.  I...I'm just so confused."  Justin
began to sob.

I stood and turned to him.  I hugged him and we both began to cry on each
other's shoulder.  Before long, Justin and I were enveloped in a group hug.
JC, Joey, Chris and Lance hugged us for what seemed like an eternity.

TBC...

Well, Jase is 'out.' What's next?  We'll see!