Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 21:04:04 EST
From: WriterGray@aol.com
Subject: N'Sync/ End Game

Hello all, I have wanted to do this for a while and it finally came out of
my head and onto the computer screen. Originally, this was for another
story and characters I was working with in my book. But, after a long
involved process I cut this out and went another direction for them. I
would love to hear what you think of this particular piece from me so
please write to me.  Writergray@msn.com

And BTW I know this is a bit darker in some aspects than you are used to
reading from me. But in the end things will work out so read on... Please.

Disclaimer: I do not know N'Sync. I do not know if they are gay straight or
BI. I would love to meet them but I would never ask them if they are or are
not gay BI or straight. It is their business. If you are not old enough to
read this or it is illegal to read this sort of fiction where you live
leave now...


N'Sync / End Game
By Grayson S. Vellar

I must have sat there for three or fours days contemplating what to do
next. Under normal circumstances, I guess I would not have been acting like
that. However, when you loss the one you love you really loss part of
yourself as well. Me the ever under control Lance Bass, Lansten, Spike, had
lost it to a handful of rushing emotions. Me the man that had loved another
man and lost him without having the chance to face it with him. Cancer
takes the ones we love and crushes them from the inside out and I never saw
it because I was away. I was doing my job. A job that other people love me
for and I now I consider it to be my own coffin as I try to figure out what
to do with my heart since it does not exist anymore.

It wasn't like Jacob and I were inseparable or anything like that. But, I
guess what I am trying to understand in myself is that when he died why did
a part of me go with him? To most of the world, I am the same old Lance. To
the guys I am someone they hardly know and think they know so well. I am
sure they would understand and I can tell that they do care. I just can't
seem to break my thoughts about Jacob. He was my everything and more; my
sense of normalcy when the shows were finished and the lights were
dimmed. He was my reality and essence of freedom. I loved him and he was my
little undusted secret. No one had made their impression on him and the
lights had never deemed it necessary to announce his presence. I guess we
just never wanted it made it public. Being the sort of obscure one in the
group has its privileges when you don't have the press constantly looking
at you. But, then again, with Justin and Britney always in the limelight
you would be able to hide too. I am getting away from the point of all of
this I guess as I sit here contemplating my existence. I am sure you all
are wondering what I am going on about so explaining would be necessary.

Jacob had been sick for quite a while and I guess I will never know just
why he never told me how sick he truly was. They say when people know they
are going to die they try to distance themselves from the people around
them. I guess it is so as not to hurt them in the end. Little did I know
that is what he was doing when I left for the last tour dates before he
died? Of course, I speak of all of this like it was a long time ago. I
guess it is since somewhere in my mind it all seems too unreal. Those
events are a far distant past that I don't want to remember and yet I find
myself being forced to live on in them. My mind and heart won't let me
forget or let go of any it. If I remember, I live in it now, and I still
can feel the regret and fear I felt. In my heart, I knew he was sick and I
knew what it was all about that night when the phone rang. I knew because
as much as I hid myself from it with work it was there and it was not going
away. I knew...

Jacob had been home every night when I called. He always seemed calm,
collected, and very loving. I guessed at the time that it was because he
missed me, in my mind it showed me that he still loved me. He always had a
way of making me feel like I was there with him he would always tell me
what he was thinking and how his day had gone. Of course, now that I truly
know what he was going through I realize that he was lying to me, not to
lie to me but to protect me from the pain. In my heart though I wish he had
of just told me it would have made all of this mourning I have done seem
much simpler in the end. Even so as I said before part of me already knew
and I wont ever forgive myself for not staying home, for not saying
anything, for not supporting him, for not... for not. How much pain can one
person live through before a person completely cracks?

The day he died, I was at the Rockford Hyatt Regency Hotel. We had done a
show the previous evening and were to be heading back home to Florida. I
was so excited the previous night I had stayed up planning my return and
packing all of my clothes. It was funny to say the least that the other
guys laughed at my joy and my crazy packing and unpacking. But then again,
Chris was helping me and he was making the most jokes. I couldn't help but
laugh. It still seems too ironic that he was the one that morning to wake
me up with the cell phone in his hand. He had tears in his eyes as he
handed me the phone setting down on the edge of the bed next to me.
Sometimes I still feel the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I had left that very phone in Chris's room when we got back to the Hotel
after the show the night before. Chris had volunteered to help me with the
packing and we went to his room first so he could change. It still amazes
me to this day that I left it there. To most, this would seem like some
small thought but to me it is important. I never leave my phone anywhere,
and that one time when I actually needed it, I didn't have it. I still
can't laugh as hard as I had that night. All because of one stupid phone
that I couldn't bring myself to use again, I can not laugh? Without Jacob
to answer my questions, a part of my joy died with him.  I even buried that
phone with him to make sure that I never saw it again, it was just to much
to except when it came down to it. My mistake, my loss, my grief, but all
the while Chris was grieving with me and I never even knew why. We still to
this day have never talked about it in detail. Sometimes, I see him feeling
the same as I do. Sometimes, I try to reach out in some way or another to
help him through it. We support each other's emotions now. But, lately I
just feel so alone. My love is gone and I have such a wall up no one will
ever see the real me again. Inside I am dying increasingly each day. One
day my friend... friends will have to bury me too. Hopefully next to the
one, I loved.


War to a head

That phone, that damn plastic, microprocessor and batteries phone. Why
didn't I have it with me when he was still alive that night? If it had been
in sight, I might have kept him on the phone for hours in excited
conversation. I might have heard him saying I love you Lance before he
died. But no, I was to busy laughing with my friends to know that there was
something wrong with the one man that loved me. The one man that I cared so
much about that I had left him behind to die.

No! I can't think of it like that. Me, Lance Bass the most caring person
you would ever met did not leave his lover alone to go sing on tour. No, I
did not know he had all encompassing Cancer. No, if I had of known I would
not have left him. But, is there an excuse for me to tell you that the one
man who had saved my life was losing his all alone that night. No...


Justified thoughts/drifting off track

Like I said, I have given this some thought. Sometime too much thought, but
they are mine. Sure I had to give up the responsible positions and
decisions in the group. My mind is my own no one thinks for me and I think
for no one else. They all just leave you in the end anyhow, what's the
point.


Awakened by the thoughts

I started to tell you about the boxes and that night after the funeral. I
almost forgot about all of that. I was sitting in the middle of the guest
room bed looking through the boxes of stuff Jacob had packed up the week
before he died. I guess he never wanted to make me feel bad. I know by
packing it up he thought that he would be easing the pain. But the question
that remains in my mind was why had he not told me. I guess like I said
before I will never know. But there was the note. That damn note, it has
been stuck in my head since the first time I read it. I love him for it but
I also to this day hate him for it, because he never said it to me himself.

My Dear Lance,

        I know you are probably reading this sitting on the bed in the
guestroom. That's my Lance always investigating. You always were the most
intrigued man I ever met. But enough of that already. The main reason I am
writing this is to tell you although I am gone now I always loved you. I
always will in my own way. Please read this and understand this is not
goodbye. This is a beginning for both of us. You will see in time that
although I am gone now, I watch over you. Live Lance that is my one request
for you. You may not think so but it is the one way I may live.

      Living is what we always promised even on the day we that met, we
made that promise. You were sick and it was just before the show, of
course, you missed it. God knows what came over me; I was only with you and
the guys as part of the set up crew. I smile now knowing what my actions
have brought us to. I frown now wondering why it has to end this way. I
won't tell you why I didn't tell you completely about all of this. I won't
even make excuses. Just remember I loved you then and I to this day I love
you even more. We lived as we promised Lance, and we never let anything
really stand in our way.

       Lance you need to promise me something, for you and me. You need to
find another to fill the void I am leaving behind. I know you are saying to
yourself that you won't find anyone else. But I warn you, you will, and I
do understand and I want you to love again Lance. You have so much to offer
the world with your heart. It would be selfish for me to ask you not to
show it when the time comes.

      I promised you the world and all I could give you was a sick man
dying before he even had a chance to live. I love you Lance so much it
hurts to have to leave you now. I know that you are probably blaming
yourself for not seeing it but don't. It was my choice not to tell you. And
before you start suspecting everyone around you of hiding it, they didn't
know either. Not even Chris who is my second best friend. We just started
to tell them about us. But, if you trust them you will tell them everything
now, because I think as much as we were careful they always knew. They
always knew that we loved and lived as one and we always tried to see the
best in each other. We may have never showed it to them out right but they
knew.

      Well, baby I gotta run before I start writing out our entire history
here. Besides, you're going to be coming home in a few days and I want
everything to be cleaned up before you get home. I know it's going to take
me a while to get it done so I have to go. Again I love you more than life
itself and I will always cherish you from my soul.

      Love knows no boundaries; it exists all around us. Sometimes we never
know what lies ahead, rather than accepting it, we deny ourselves the
chance. Don't do that to yourself Lance open up your heart. I am not the
only one, who will love you.

Loving you always in memories and dreams,

Jacob Alexander Moyer


I read, read, and re-read that letter crying my eyes out that night. Chris
was staying with me those first few days and he tried to comfort me but I
could only push him away. No one was going to make me forget. No one was
going to make me forgive. I hated him for leaving me. I hated him for not
telling me. I hated him for wanting me to love someone else. But so much
did I love him for trying to protect me from the suffering. So much, did I
love him for trying to help me move on? He knew I would never give up. He
still tried and I still can't understand although it makes my heart break
thinking that he loved me enough to let me go.

For a week, Chris let me cry only checking on me and making me food to
eat. The other guys stopped in to see how things were going, but Chris
would always send them away. He was protecting me from the world. I
appreciate him to this day for doing that. I guess that is why we are so
close even still. The other guys still try to understand my moments of
depression but there is always Chris. He and I have a bond now. In all my
life, I had always wanted to be this close to someone and I thought I had
found that in Jacob. For a time, I would have said that he was the only one
to understand me. But, now I now that Chris is there and we have a bond
too. I guess it's also has something to do with the fact that Chris and
Jacob were so close. I just don't want to really think that Chris is only
there because of that bond that they shared. I also in my heart and mind
know he would never do that intentionally.

I'm sitting here tonight telling you this story just after again another
show has been completed. You know even three years since it happened and I
can not get over the complex idea that somehow I want to be with him. I
knew him better than I have known anyone in my life. When he would start to
ask me something, I knew what it was going to be. Even before he asked I
had the answers. In love we lived for the moment, in death that single
moment has lived on in my mind every second of the last three years.


Finding the truth

Until much later, I really had no idea what had been going on while I was
gone. He kept it so silent. The only things I am sure of are what Edna has
said to me about those days when she was taking care of him. She talks to
me comforting me telling who he was and how much he loved me and I dream
that I was there.  She has never told me why he never truly told me that it
was happening. The truth is he was hiding something. I'm not sure what it
was but in my heart, I know there was something else, there being kept from
me.

After I had left for the tour he had hired a nurse (Edna) to take care of
him the last few days he was alive. He died with her holding his hand in my
place. She told him she would tell me everything. He made her promise not
to leave any of his loving me out when she spoke. To this day when Edna
talks about that night I still feel like I am there. I wanted to be with
him so bad, when I got home I lost my sense of being. I still have never
recovered who I am. I love him still; I miss him still; so much, so that I
forget about me.

How did we meet, I would guess your asking yourself. What's the story?
Well, I guess I should tell you since this is my story. But, be prepared
this is not so easy on me as I have never been able to get completely
through the story of us. Chris is the only one to come close out of the
guys to understanding it. He was after all Jacob's best friend.

Jacob and I had been a couple from the moment of our first meeting. We
lived as if no one else in the rest of the world existed. I had been living
his life in the lime light with nothing but fans to answer too. His friends
knew of his life. They thought everything was going to be fine. But, what
no one knew was one day my heart would be broken. Broken into so many
pieces that I still think it will never be fixed again.

Jacob had been working with the set up stage crew, while I was warming up
before a show. Arlington Texas was where it all began and the show was to
be within less than four hours. It may have not been the best beginning but
it was ours and it was what we needed to make us one.

I was sitting on the edge of a platform as the crew worked behind the
scenes making sure all final preparation had been made. I was in tears
again, and yes, I was hurting. But it was not from an emotional turmoil or
from pains of the heart. My stomach and right side hurt and it was knotting
up beyond any pain that I had ever felt in his life. It was as if my body
was turning inside out. But no on was to know there was no way I was going
to let everyone down. I had to deal with this.

Jacob was standing off stage staring at me again. Yet, at the same time, he
was just concerned. No one mentioned that I was sick. Jacob was sure no one
else knew. The show was important the guys were important. But, in Jacobs's
mind, he asked himself many a times, which was more important. He couldn't
take not saying anything any longer, especially since I was now completely
bent over in pain crying.

"Oh, God stop the pain please," I said under my breath praying and knowing
no one was there to help.

"Lance," Jacob asked approaching me from behind slowly. I did not respond
any other way other than to look up at him while still bending over at the
waist. Part of me I would assume was in shock. There I had set trying to
hide my pain and thinking no one knew. There I sat praying I could make it
though it alone.

"Lance I know you're sick. Do you need help?" Jacob asked and immediately
saw that it was true. I tried to sit up but could not. I cringed in agony
and pain from the pressure growing in my muscles.

"Help me please," I whispered through a cracking pain filled voice, while
my eyes filled with tears.

Jacob reacted immediately and bent over picking me up into his arms. He ran
to the back of the stage area heading towards the on site manager.

"Lance is sick, we need to get him to a Doctor," Jacob shouted as he
approached the man.

"Put him down this is not a time to joke," Steve Mills said while trying to
arrange for a pass-holder to get into that night's show.

"Joke! This is no joke!" Jacob screamed while running with me in his arms
towards the dressing rooms.

"Lance I am sorry I am trying to get some help," Jacob said while heading
into the dressing room.

"Guy's listen up! I am taking Lance here to the hospital. Does anyone care
enough to join us," Jacob said still holding me close. I had now wrapped my
arms completely around Jacob. He was my savior and everything was going to
change now. Someone cared enough to notice that something was wrong with
me. Someone from the outside cared enough to take care of me.

"What's going on?" Chris asked looking at Jacob as concern covered his
entire face.

"He's been sick for a couple of weeks. I actually noticed it and thought
you all knew until I saw the exercising you were all doing today. That was
enough. Look we need to get him to the hospital!" Jacob screamed causing me
to look up at him and notice the tears now forming in his eyes.

"Jacob." I whispered speaking his name for the first time. "Help me
please," I said almost pleading; my sides were on fire now as his felt a
sudden urge to sleep. Drifting off I heard Jacob screaming for me to wake
up. Jacob felt my arms go limp as he was still holding me trying to draw me
back but the balckness of the pain was drawing me in to quickly. Jacob was
just a voice talking to me in the darkness trying to tell me how he
felt. But I could no longer fight. His voice soothed me as I felt the
darkness washing me away taking me to another place and time. I dreamed of
what life would have been like. I felt it all so real and true. I felt his
love and mine intermingle making our heart one. I felt as I still feel
today. But, without him here today with me, I only feel half-alive.

The dream of the life I would lead began to fade and the light began to
wash back in. I could hear his voice again only now it was coming closer. I
felt a cold air drift across my bare shoulders as I lay flat on my back
resting comfortably. There was something familiar here something I had not
thought of before this moment. This was like when I was a child and had my
tonsils removed. I was waking up. I was safe and this was a hospital but my
eyes remain shut as I still fight to awaken from the dull hum of the
anesthesia.

"Please Lance wake up for me. I don't think I can deal with all of this
without you," Jacob said holding my hand. "Look I never tell anyone
anything about me for fear of losing them. I know you I know what you are
about. I respect you and ...  and," Jacob tried to tell me the important
things as I willed myself awake in the hospital room squeezing his hand. "I
love you Lance come back to me please. I know you don't know me and I want
to let you in," Jacob continued, as he rested his head on the bed next to
our hands still not noticing the gentle pressure I was giving his hand. He
loved me already. My heart filled with hope as I heard the words and I
believed him.

"Jacob, I know you do," I whispered in the strongest voice I could
muster. "Can we." I paused trying to not think about it or judge it. This
was his honest love for me. And I was not going to fight it. "I'm not
leaving you," I said more awake now.

My appendix had been a problem before we had left on the tour. No one knew;
no one was to know. Jacob saw the signs, the one person farthest from
everyone else's mind to knowing us knew. He watched over me for several
months. He wanted to make sure I was okay without asking. He never wanted
to tell me that he was watching me before. He never thought I would accept
his prying caring eyes taking their care of me, looking out for me.

I had seen him around. I didn't know him; that was true. But, for some
reason, I had always wanted to know him and there was no time before. It
took drama and a lot of pain but we were finally there. I don't really know
what would have happened otherwise. After all, it was Jacob's hand and
voice I had woken up too.  Caressing tears fell from Jacob's eyes as he
looked up to the dazed expression on my face.

"I love you too," I said as the realization hit me that this was real and
he was the one. There was no doubts left as I looked into his eyes.

"Drugs are talking now, I can see it on your face," Jacob said smiling
seeing me smiling at him.

"Nope, and you can do away with the corny jokes," I said smiling broadly.

"God I love to see that smile," Jacob said reaching up and brushing his
fingers along my jaw line. I couldn't help it as I instinctively leaned
into the touch.


Making a decision

I take another drink from the champagne glass vicariously hanging in my
hand. It was the last bottle from our planned wedding. It's time to end
this mind game that I have been playing on myself. I am celebrating my own
letting go tonight. Yet, in my heart I know I will never be able to
completely move on.  I just have to shake this utterly morbid shell of
self-destruction.

"This is about moving forwards finally, that was what this celebration was
about." I say to no one in particular. It's not like anyone other than you
are here right now.

As the last drops of sweet nectar runs down the rim of the glass and slide
down my throat I begin to sob harder. My hand drops to the side of the
barstool. I had drug it out here to perch on and stare out at the city
lights below. This was the same suite, the same room the same damn Hotel
where I got the call. My entire sense of healing glared through my heart. I
cry my crowded tears that now sting my cheeks. I don't feel it but the
glass is to fall. It is to shatter, as I can no longer hold onto it any
longer.


Mind games

After we met, it was not until much later that Jacob got sick. Cancer had
set in quick on his young body. I was all he had left by the time he had
finished pushing everyone away.  I was the only person who could really
talk to him, and I didn't know what was going on. He never told me the
truth, he never lied either, I just never asked. We never talked to each
other about how bad it really was. I knew and he knew but we never spoke of
the devastation. I guess that when I think about it I didn't want to know
the extent of his disease.

Later all the Doctors, Nurses, and Lawyers all wanted to get a piece of
Jacob Alexander Moyer. I was the barrier they all had to climb through and
after all was said and done Jacobs money was split between all of them. I
had nothing left of the man I loved other than the cardboard boxes and that
damn letter he left behind. Everything else was now gone except Edna. For a
time, I didn't want to see her either. She had taken my place and in my
heart broken state, she was an enemy.

In mid-air the glass flips seemingly rushing towards a terrible destiny. It
was like I had felt; I felt his life had slipped by me. My one chance to be
free and love had now gone and been shattered and destroyed. The glass now
reaches the same conclusion as it slips past the bottom rung of the stool
unstopped. Nothing in its path, it crashes and shatters into a million
little pieces and shards of glass.

"Enemy." I whisper as I look out over the vast lights of this gray city.

She in truth was far from an enemy. She had been there that night to hear
his last words. She had been there to comfort him from pains I was only
slightly aware of. She had taken my place. But she was no enemy to me, she
was my bridge to that night. She had all the answers that I never wanted to
completely hear. Never wanting to completely hear them had led me to an
understanding over all. He never wanted me to know because he never wanted
me to hurt. But, for me all I had done until now was wallow in the pain of
not knowing, when all I had to do was ask...


Chris's Dreams/Hearing the truth

Chris paced the floor in the adjoining living room to the room he and Lance
were sharing. Everyone was worried but no one was reacting quite this
insanely. They all had managed to place a distance between Lance and
themselves in these moments when thing were not all right. It was the
distance they had all shared; that was until Chris's turn to share a room
with him came up. For the last three months, they had stopped rotating the
responsibility of the position. But not one of the others seemed to react
the same way as Chris. Not one of the others had the secrets he held. Not
one of the other friends understood the hurt or pain. Chris knew it and
felt it along with Lance. He knew because he was in a similar situation.

'I love him I know I do. But, he is in there crying over his lost love. His
one empowering love, and yet he left so long ago. He loves him still and he
says nothing to us. Here I am pacing the floor, loving him; still what does
this make me?' Chris thought still trying to make it all stop in his
mind. He had held Lance in the night. He had encouraged him to live his
life. He had tried to be the best friend he could with out letting on that
anything was changing in his mind for him. But, this was not the first
time. This was not the initial time he had made himself not believe in the
love he had.

All while Chris paces Joey sets staring at him wondering 'When is he going
to come out with it. We all know.'

Joey's keen eyes followed Chris through the room. He had finally had enough
of this game. He had finally had enough of watching Chris ruin his own
chances. "Why don't you just tell him Christopher?" Joey asked drawing
Chris out of his thoughts hearing his full name.

"Tell him what?" Chris asked hoping that Joey was not aware of his
thoughts.

"Come on! I have known you both for so long. Do you really believe I can't
see it? I can see it in your eyes every time he's near you and the old
Lance is back. I know you Chris, and I know Lance. Go in there and tell
him," Joey said almost pleading as he leaned forwards in his seat. Chris
didn't move Joey knew he was in shock by the expression on his face. It was
a time for action. He took the deck of card had had been shuffling and
smacked them down on the coffee table with a loud slap. "Fine if your not
going to tell him then I will. It's time someone took some action," Joey
said still not standing up yet.

"I can't," Chris said in a dejected tone of voice as he threw himself down
into a chair. "I promised Jacob out of respect for their relationship I
would never tell him. I promised," Chris said tears streaming down his
face.

"You can and he needs to hear it from you. It has been too long for you not
to tell him now," Joey said as they heard the glass shatter on the deck in
the next room.


Chris's POV

My mind was racing as I heard the shattering glass. Joey looked up at me
with fright and anxiety in his eyes urging me to go in and stop what ever
was happening. I knew what I had to do. I knew what I had to say. But, I
was not sure it was going to be the right time. Hell, if you think about
it, time was something Lance was living out of. He was no longer living in
the moment. No, he was living in a past. A past I did not want to compete
with. But I had to, and I had to do it now or loss him forever. I was sure
of it, more sure that I had ever been before.

I rushed to the bedroom door drawing it open wide. To my surprise, I did
not see Lance anywhere. My first thought was that sound. That crying out,
crashing, shattering sound both Joey and I had heard. It had come from in
here. In this room, that Lance and I had shared. This was the room his past
had once shared a memory or two of Jacob. That may seem so long ago to all
of us but now all Lance did was think of that past and living in it.

I struggled with the door catching my hand on the knob before it tightly
shut. I managed to see him sitting on a barstool on the balcony. There were
shards of glass glistening in the light. I could see what had happened
now. He had let it go. He had sent the glass to the ground. He was half
slumped over the balcony rail now and beginning to stand. My heart was
racing as the words came out of my mouth.


Game over

I look out at the lights remembering the last few points before drawing my
closure. Justin later at the Hospital after my appendix ruptured stayed by
my side and explained how things had gone.  The guys had been forced to go
on with the show. Their hearts weren't in it but the crowd never figured it
out. I was missed of course, but no one made mention of it did they. I
watched the news report, all the news ever said was the concert was great,
and the guys did one of the best shows this small town had ever seen. The
only other odd thing was that Chris had walked off during the encore.

Chris was the first one to make it to the hospital. He also was the first
of the four remaining members to leave the venue that evening. He actually
walked off half way through the encore to head out to the limousine waiting
for their departure. He came immediately to see me leaving the other
behind. When he arrived, he sat with Jacob staring at me. The intensity in
his eyes told me there was more behind this man than I had ever known. But,
what that was I was not prepared to believe or understand that night.


When the rest of the guys finally made it to the hospital Chris pulled
Jacob out of the room to take him out for some air. The truth is I think he
was trying to just get clear of the stares from the rest of the guys. He
had stranded them at the venue leaving as soon as he was inside the
confines of the limousine. The guys seemed unaffected by the whole thing
over all and I asked what was going on with Chris. No one wanted to answer
however, Justine of course told me what he thought. "Chris loves you and he
has never shown it." The others were in shock but we never mentioned
it. They never said a word during the entire exchange.  I still wonder
where Justine would have gotten that idea. Chris had never acted like he
has feelings for me. I must admit though, at one point I gave it a lot of
thought and brushed it away because Jacob was the one I loved as far as I
was concerned. Chris had never made any moves or acted like he was in love
with me. He was just Chris.

I shook myself back to the present only to slip back to the past. That
night the night... the call had come in. That night when I didn't have my
phone, Chris sat there watching over me as I heard the words. We had
finally all gone to sleep after I had fidgeted all night trying to prepare
for going home. I was going to see him again. I was going to be home
soon. It wasn't even night anymore when Chris brought me the phone. It was
early in the morning. It was so early in fact, that the sun was barely too
rise.

"Is this Lance I am speaking to?" A woman voiced asked. It wouldn't be
until much later that I would learn this woman's name to be Edna. This
unearthly, hesitant voice that was calling me to tell me that Jacob was
dead. I looked over the city again seeing the same things I had seen that
morning when I stared out the window in disbelief. Only now mostly black
with night's embrace as I realized it was the negative of that day that
made me see things this way.

"I have some bad new for you and I wish it was not necessary to tell you
this way," she said stopping and I knew. "Lance are you still there?" She
asked and I realized that I must have gone quiet. The tears would not fall
until I knew for sure. The pain would be willed away until she said the
words. I almost hung up right them trying to keep it from happening.

"Yes," I said as the first part of 3 days worth of tear began to fall. I
knew.

"Lance as you know Jacob was sick.. He.. He passed away this evening and
I." She burst into tears and my world faded as I did the same. Chris
wrapped me in his arms holding me close rocking me; that's how I was
told. That's' how I found myself without love in this world when it took a
miracle that I had found it to begin with.

I didn't move immediately when the glass shattered around his bare feet. I
couldn't move if I did, I would be cut for sure. However, you have to
realize with everything that has happened since he died. I really don't
care about anything and nothing really matters when I do. I honestly really
don't care; I can't feel now. My heart has been so cold and alone. Truly
all I have wanted is nothing more than to stop this nightmarish dream I
began living when Jacob came into my life. Now that he is gone where do I
live. There is nothing left... I wonder sometimes if I am actually still
lying in the hospital dreaming that dream and this is the end just before
life begins again with Jacob and I just starting out. Would I do it all
over again knowing that this is where it will end up? Yes, I would and I
see the light of my situation. If I truly could wake myself up from the
nightmare I would be all right and the beginning would be there. I would be
happy again right?

"Lance stop!"

There was a rustling behind me as I stepped up to the balcony edge. I
didn't feel the small bits of glass that attempted to cut through the soles
of my feet. I didn't feel Chris approaching. It was all crashing down
around me. It was all a haze and I was to jump into it to make it all
end. The beginning was just in sight. It all makes sense now. I am dreaming
and Jacob is still sitting next to my bed back in the time when we
began. He loves me I know he does. Who else would take such action to save
the most unrecognized member of N'Sync?

Chris is screaming at me as he sees what I am about to do. No one came to
aid him; no one can. Chris had locked the door accidentally as he entered
the room. It was just he and I to clear the deadly fog.

Joey had not followed Chris he had decided that we had to handle our hearts
alone. He would be there for us, but right now, it was to be our
decision. Not once did he hear the screaming Chris was doing. There was a
sort of calm about the room as he watched television.


Final battle

"Lance please I have loved you for so long. Let me help you please?" Chris
pleaded trying to get me to stop as he began to make his way through the
glass. He had no shoes on and he had no care to worry about it at the
time. If he were to have lost me, he would not have another reason to
care. It would have been another person that had loved and lost. It would
have repeated over again with another life shattered. I heard the words and
my world stopped.

"Give me a chance please. I have loved you since before he came into your
life. I told him so. But I also knew that you would never love me then,"
Chris said taking another step forwards glass slipping by his feet
vicariously missing his flesh. "That night at the hospital when he saved
you. I saw him confess to you how he felt. I was the one who wanted too. I
was the one who told him how I felt about you. He said he would never hurt
you. He said, he wanted more than anything to love you... You were so
happy. I couldn't tell you. And now.." Chris went on but a whispering took
over my ears as I heard what was said before and understood. Justine's
truth finally sank in and all this time Chris only stayed by me out of
pity.

"Go away Chris. You have no idea what it's like to be me," I said
determined and not stepping down.

"Please hear me out Lance. I know I have never told you but you need too."

"No I don't! I have lived the last three years waiting for someone to tell
me why! Tell me why I had to live alone all of this time without hope in my
heart! Tell me why when I find hope it is ripped away from me! Tell me
why!.. I loved him and no one will ever understand what it is like to be
loved like that back. To have the one person who knows you and loves you
die without warning. Without justice, without anything to hold you
together. If it had have been one of you then I would have had him to help
me through it!"

"I have tried to be there for you! You push me away! You hold me back! When
all I want to do is care for you, comfort you, and I never asked for
anything more," Chris said attempting to take a step forwards.

"You loved me secretly! I have known the entire time! I don't want to hurt
you like I have been hurt Chris. I never want you to have to feel this way
about me and then lose me. I never want anyone to feel this way again," I
said the words and stretched my arms out wide. He was looking down now as
he realized what I was about to do. If I had jumped it would have been to
stop the emotions that I was doomed to feel. I would no longer have to keep
being alone to protect the ones I love or myself. This nightmare was to end
and I would finally be awake and living again.

"Love knows no boundaries, it exists all around us. Sometimes we never know
what lies ahead, rather than accepting it, we deny ourselves the chance,"
Jacob repeated in my mind. But, it was not as if I was hearing it in my
head. I could feel Jacob standing next to me and hear his words ringing in
my ears. "Yes, I knew. Yes, it's real. Undying love, forever and a day, if
you consider two years forever and a day. That was us Lance and here he is
wanting to give you more than I ever could. This is only the beginning,"
Jacob said as I felt myself being pushed away from the balcony edge and
fall.

"For so long I have waited to tell you. I was scared that you would shut me
out. I want you in my life as more than what we have already." I fell
landing in Chris's awaiting arms in a sudden rush as a gust of wind on a
calm night blew me back.

"Shut up Chris and get us back inside," I said weeping wrapping my arms
around his neck.


Worried friends/Quiet Talk

Joey's Point of View

Jacob was the kind of guy that everyone loves. You know what I mean; the
good hearted happy to be around you sort of person. To be honest, it got
annoying after a while. I guess the only reason I am telling you this is
because I kind of wished I were more like him. None of us knew him really
except for Lance.  And as you already know so far, he really knew him, how
do I put this... Well.

They loved each other, we all saw it, and it was beautiful to see. Being a
straight single guy like myself I am sure you are wondering how I would
know what beautiful is in a gay relationship. But to be honest there is no
need to wonder. Being a good person, being of good heart, being a human
being without judgment; except from me, this all allows me see the
beauty. Besides all that, the love they shared made me want the same things
with a woman. Honest love is hard to find, but honest, passionate, romantic
love is harder to find. To keep it for a while is a blessing to loss it is
a life of blindness.

They met they fell in love and they stayed together for a little over two
years. When I look back on it now I can say it was the happiest I have ever
seen Lance. But since Jacob passed away, I can tell you that it is the
saddest I have ever seen Lance. Sometimes, I wonder if he will bounce
back. Sometimes, I see it in his eyes. He is trying to fit in and be one of
us again I see it there, and I wonder if I see it only because Chris is
standing there.

That brings me to the next question you're probably asking. What do I think
of Lance and Chris being a couple? Well the truth is I hope they do become
a couple. The one person who knows Lance better than Lance does or Jacob
did, has always been Chris. When no one can get Lance moving, Chris makes
it happen. I can't really explain it. I guess you just have to see them
together.

Lance smiles and Chris's face lights up. Chris also gets down sometimes and
thinks none of us notice. I see Lance noticing; I see him actually start
the act like he is unhappy and Chris suddenly comes to his rescue. That's
when Lance smiles and that's when Chris lights up. It makes weird sense and
at times, I think `man they got it bad'. But, you've got to realize when
one person knows how to make another happy and neither of the two wants to
admit it there comes a time when it is necessary to just keep your mouth
shut. I also know, when one is dying inside and has no more light other
than that one person and doesn't see that, actions speak louder than words.

Clear the clouds away, take the cobwebs down it is time to let the light in
and see what you are missing. Someday, I'll tell them both what I
know. Chris now knows that I see the way he loves him. Hopefully by me
telling him to open his mouth, he will also open his eyes. Once he sees
what he has, he will charge it, grasp it, and never let it go. Lance will
cling to Chris for life. They'll make it. They are meant to be together
without the boundaries.

JC's POV

I guess I never considered taking Lance under my wing after Jacob passed. I
can't say why really. I mean we are friends and I do care what happens to
Lance. Jacob meant a lot to Lance and I guess I sort of should be thanking
both of them for making me see that being who I am was okay. I just never
had a chance really. When I had finally decided to make it official, they
announced their relationship and soon after Jacob told Chris about their
engagement. Lance told us small things eventually. But still there was no
inclusion of us in their relationship.

It was one of those moments; you know the moment when you wish you were
someone else, wishing to be them. It was also one of those moment, that I
was thankful it wasn't me as well. I mean think about it. If you were going
to get married to someone everyone knows (which is how it usually happens)
and everyone still has to keep it a secret, what would you wish more than
anything? You would wish to be able to tell the world. True love makes you
happy and you automatically want to share that with the world. But in the
world we all live in that is impossible. Jacob understood this from the
beginning. Lance was the one questioning his place. I guess in a way that
made me feel threatened.

Lance and Jacob had decided on their date for the wedding itself. It was
cool to watch them have their little secret. Although most of us had
figured out what their welcome home party was really about, and no one said
a word. We didn't want to blow the surprise. But, all good surprises
require a degree of silence and they were trying. However, their fight on
the last night of that short tour never would allow them that
secrecy. That's when I changed my mind about telling everyone.

"Jacob I know you don't want to tell everyone but at least let's talk about
it," Lance pleaded with Jacob.

"Lance, I won't do this. I won't argue with you over your career. We agreed
not to tell anyone outside of the group." Jacob was finished with this
conversation he rushed out of the room they shared only to run head long
into Justin standing on the other side of the door.

"Jacob if you leave there will be no wedding!"

"What!" Jacob spun around where he stood with a shocked Justin standing
right next to him.

"Wedding?" Justin asked as Chris, Joey and I walked into the main room from
the hallway we had been standing in. We had heard the whole
conversation. Jacob walked back into the bedroom shutting the door with a
slam.

"Now you listen to me Lance! I don't want us to fight over this. We talked
about this already.."

"No! You talked about this and this is my life too! I want to tell everyone
how I feel about you Jacob. I am not the most popular of the guys in the
group the fans will be okay. The life we lead will be better by telling
everyone Jacob. We need to be us. That is how we will survive. By hiding
who we are we only ask that the press dig deeper into our lives," Lance
said and I remember commenting that day to the guys.

"He does have a point guys." However, no one seemed to agree. I guess when
I looked at all of them at that point I knew I could never tell them the
truth about me.

It's funny to think now that I was so willing to tell them after Lance came
out. But, after that fight and seeing what it was going to do to all of us
I just couldn't.  I guess now seemed like the right time. We had all
finally come to terms with who each of us was. Of course, that's minus the
one fact about me of course. I don't hide who I really am and I never have
confirmed or denied it to them because it just has not come up. But given
the chance I would tell them.

True my stress has been high lately. I'm watching my best friends go
through hell over a guy that died three years ago. I am watching my life
before me and I don't know how to stop it from ending up that way. Most gay
couples don't last, it's a fact and I want my life to be better than
that. Sure right now, I play around, nothing serious, but I still find
comfort when I need it. If the right one is out there, I will be waiting
for him. Then there is Justin, if he was only, but that was a stupid
thought all together. We have been friends for so long it will never
happen. He doesn't even know all the fact about me being gay. If he did
though I think he would take it well.


Tension among us

"What the hell is happening in there?" Justin asked as he looked at his
watch. He was late for meeting up with Britney again.

"They're talking. I told you that," Joey said. He had actually managed to
get the door open about an hour or so ago. It shocked both Chris and Lance
who were propped up on the bed talking holding each other. But when they
realized it was just Joey checking up everything was fine. He grinned and
pulled his red head back to the other side of the door quietly.

"What you have failed to tell us is why all the drama Joey," JC said
sitting smoking a cigarette in the corner of the room. He had picked up the
habit just days ago but it was really getting on everyone's nerves so far.

"They're talking JC that's all. There has been a lot going on with Lance we
all know that. When Chris is ready to talk to you about what has been
bothering." Joey didn't get a chance to answer completely; he was in shock
at what had come out of JC's mouth.

"So he finally told Lance I take it? I guess I will finally have another
two people coming to the clubs with me?" JC said smiling like a cat that
ate a canary.

"And what clubs would that be?" Justin asked.

"Gay specific," JC exhaling smoke directly towards Justin continuing the
smiling.

'I guess the secret is out now. I should feel like a damn idiot for saying
it that way. But, the truth is I am tired of hiding it and look of on
Justin's face is classic. He has that quirky little grin on his face. I
recognize it as the one he gets after he talks to Britney on the phone. He
is giving it too me.' JC thinks as he stares at Justine.

"Maybe we should just watch a movie and wait guys it could be a while,"
Joey says coming to rescue.



LB CK

We made it inside the room with no scars to show. Neither of us noticed the
glass still lying where it had shattered. Chris was only worried about me
and I was for once feeling content in the arms of a man who truly cared.

"We talked about another man loving me and how he sometimes was jealous of
you. He never told me who and I always suspected it was you, but Chris you
never said anything," I said laying down on the bed holding to Chris as if
it was the only thing I needed in this life.

"I never told you because I never wanted to hurt you. Jacob and I were
friends. Almost better friends in ways than I have been to the rest of the
guys. Lance you have always been the one. I just thought that if I aid it
out loud you would never except me. I just knew because you love him still
and you always will. I don't want you to feel like you have to love me. I
don't want you to think that after tonight you need to, just because I am
here. I honestly love you Lance and I want you to feel that loving honesty
for me too. But, I will understand if you don't." I cut Chris off then, I
had to tell him the whole truth.

"Tonight, I heard him Chris. He told me so long ago. I never knew it was
you. I do love you Chris. The last three months have been the best. The
nights when you are awake and watching over me, you always think, I am
asleep. What you don't know is that I am lying there wondering why you care
so much. I was hoping in the back of my mind that it could be. I was just
not willing to make the moves for fear of losing everything else this heart
of mine still feels... Those nights I realized honestly, that I do love you
more than I should. Not more than I should but more than I wanted to admit
before now," I said looking up from where his head was resting against
Chris's chest.

"Death has a way of showing us what others mean to us. To bad most of the
time, we never really say what we mean until it is to late. I had to make
myself tell you how I feel tonight Lance. It hurts me to think that I may
have lost you and never had the chance. God why did I hold out so long,"
Chris said looking away from me.

"Because you cared for both of us Chris. He was your best friend when he
was here. I guess that is why we never got together. Well, that and the
fact that I am still in love with his memory," I said trying to get him to
look at me as he still looked away towards the balcony.

"I promised him because he was the right one for you. I just never expected
him to go like he did. When you told me, I couldn't believe he was
gone. Edna had already told me when she called so that I would know what
was going on. But, it seemed so much more real coming from you and I just
wanted to die along with him. Have I ever told you what we said to each
other at the hospital that day," Chris said looking at me as I went off
into my own dreamland.

"It was the only way I could feel close to you at times. What I mean it
most of the time I would catch you during the day when you would be
thinking about him and what it all meant. I have to admit that when you
weren't thinking like that I saw the old Lance that I had originally fallen
in love with. Those times made me miss you but they also made me want to
love you even more. It was hard, it always has been and I know Lance and I
know I should have told you sooner. But like I said, I was scared. I told
him I would respect what you two had. I told him I would never tell you. I
didn't think you would ever feel the same way I do," Chris said looking
down into my green eyes.

"I do, I always have. But I also felt like no one would ever love me that
way again. He was a special person in a lot of way. I mean you know that
story. You know we were together. You know he was my first. The cancer set
in so fast. I lost him with no control or say over my life and the
happiness he brought to it. He was just gone and I was alone," I said
leaning hard into Chris's chest as a fresh wave of tears flowed from my
eyes.

"You were never alone Lance. And if I have anything to do with it you wont
be alone again," Chris reaching down pulling me to face him again. "I love
you, I know what it feels like to tell you, now I want to show you," Chris
said and I was caught by surprise. In my mind in the past, I had heard him
say those words to me in that dream. That wonderful dream that I had let
slip out of my life for so long. We were staring at one another. I edged
forwards drawing our faces closer to one another.

"I love you too Chris," I said and gently kissed Chris's lips making all my
fears began to wash away.


The past revisited

Jacob and Chris had been gone for about an hour now. Justin had already
told me about everything and I was in a confused state of mind. But, as
soon as they walked back in and Chris pushed Jacob towards the hospital bed
I knew that Justin was wrong. I just knew.

"Hey your still awake. Your even smiling," Jacob said grabbing my hand.

"I have a lot to smile about," I replied looking over at Chris seeing he
was smiling too. I thought he was just happy for me.

"Well, I know a secret your going to love," Jacob said his face falling a
little.

"Really what's that?" I asked hesitantly.

Chris stepped forwards and placed a hand on Jacob's shoulder to stop him
from saying what he had too. But for some reason Jacob just smiled and
kissed the end of my nose. Silence filled the room as I realized I had
never before let anyone know that I was gay. I looked up at JC first, his
faced showed me that it was okay his eyes were fine with what just happen
and he was smiling from ear to ear.

"You know I have something to say to all of you," I said half wishing this
moment had never come. The other half of me was glad however that it was
Jacob causing it.

"You can't already be pregnant can you," Joey said smiling at me.

"If I was I am sure that would make Jacob think twice about being with me,"
I responded only to find Jacob profusely shaking his head no.

"So is it answer number 1 or answer number 2. We always wanted to ask but
you know you're our Lance and you have to have privacy too," Justin said
smiling.

"I'm hoping for number 1," JC said not realizing what he was saying until
it was too late.

"JC according to our conversation earlier that would make him gay," Justine
said flatly.

Everyone was now looking at JC. I was relieved and pissed at the same
time. Here all this time I had wanted to tell the guys the truth and there
was no place for me to tell them. JC had just brought me out to everyone
and no one had figured it out.

"Yes," JC said in an even tone and all eyes turned back to me. I was trying
not to laugh as I looked up at Jacob and ignored everyone else. I reached
up with my right hand drawing him near as we kissed mouth to mouth tongue
to tongue in front of everyone then I answered the question as we started
to pull away.

"Thank God you're here and not a woman," I said and Jacob laughed so hard
he collapsed on top of me causing me pain but I held it back. Jacob climbed
up and crawled in the bed. I was laughing as I came out of my reverie with
Chris sitting next to me on the bed still.

Although it seemed like it was happening over again in my mind it had been
long ago. Chris was looking at me smiling as I giggled seeing him.

"It has been so long since you have actually smiled Lance. It's nice to see
it," Chris said and I sank back inside a little trying not to let it show.

"Oh Lance I shouldn't have said that I'm sorry baby let me make it up to
you. I was just about to tell you what we had talked about that day."


Chris's POV

Lance is upset again. Man I have to think fast. Why do I always think of
just the wrong thing to say to him? It has been what three years since
Jacob passed away? But, I can remember him like it was yesterday. He was
always the one person on the stage crew that I connected with. None of the
guys in the group knew but I had already met him before all of this
began. I begin to tell Lance the story and he sets up listening intently.

It was about 4 months or so before Lance had his little accident. I was
hanging out with Jacob, Dan, and Jordan backstage before our New Hampshire
show. It's funny now that I think about it. I had been talking to Jacob
about how I was infatuated with a guy I knew and how close I had come on so
many occasions to telling him. I even told him it would ruin our friendship
and how I was concerned with loosing him. It never occurred to me to tell
him it was actually Lance.

Later I learned he thought I was talking about Dan Michaelson, I laughed
when he told me. Of course, that was at the Hospital that day. Part of me
was mad because I always thought he knew it was Lance. Dan of course was my
type too. But, I hardly knew Dan. I only went backstage to hang out with
Jacob. He was always friendly and personable and man I would have even
loved to date him now that I think about. The truth is I went to the
Hospital early for two reasons. One I wanted to check on Lance, my
Lance. Two, I wanted to confront the thieve that was stealing his heart
from me. I wanted to confront Jacob, when I got there seeing them so close
I could not do what I had pictured myself doing it. I sank inside myself
realizing that Lance was smiling and happy with this person that I thought
had stolen his heart from me. Somehow, deep inside I honestly knew he had
never stolen him from me. Lance never knew about me to begin with and Jacob
was not the type to steal his heart from me. He would have rather given up
and he tried to.

Justin and the others arrived shortly there after giving me the coldest
look I have ever experienced in my life. I had left them all alone without
a word never once telling them where I was going or why. I had never
mentioned to any of them that I was in love with our friend Lance. I just
wanted to get to the Hospital so I left them behind and now was my time to
be given the group cold stare all except Lance and Jacob.

I looked over to the two of them now as the guys all stood near the foot of
the bed leaving me alone. Jacob let go of Lances hand immediately as JC
came up next to him and apologized for the way he had been brushed off by
our on site management. Jacob sighed heavily. He explained that it was not
our faults that management was only protecting the show. I remember
laughing to myself thinking that it was no longer about us, it was now only
about the show.

I immediately could see that the guys were not going to give me a break
when they would not even acknowledge me. My heart sank as they all stood
there not looking at me once. 'If they only knew' was all I kept
thinking. I looked over at the uneasiness in Lance's eyes as they all
crowded around him. Jacob even looked out of place. I decided it was time
to talk to him. Not yell, not confront just talk to him.

"Jacob you want to come with me, I need to breathe," I said and saw him
smile over at me while no one other than Lance reacted. Lance actually
looked hurt by my leaving, but it was necessary.


The world outside

"Britney, look like I said I'm sorry," Justin said into the phone as JC sat
listening to his friend apologizing for the fifth or sixth time. "Women!"
Justin shouted as he slammed the receiver down on the phone.

"Troubles in paradise," JC asked smiling.

Joey was asleep on the couch again. Lately he had been doing this a
lot. Staying up late watching television in the main room or the suite
while the others stayed up in their rooms. Tonight was no different and JC
knew it.

"So, Justin you look like you could use a little TLC," JC asked seductively
with a grin.

"You wish! Besides what makes you think I would want to kiss an ashtray?"
Justin asked taking yet again another pot shot at JC's new habit. Of
course, in the back of his mind JC did have sort of a sexy aura about him
with that damned thing hanging out of his mouth. It made him have a kind of
a James Dean look.

"I see your point," JC said crushing his fresh pack in his hand. "I better
go brush my teeth," JC said standing up, but before he left the room, he
had one final thing to say. "Will that make you happier," JC asked stopping
and winking at Justin.

"Yes, it would. But then again I don't know what your up too," Justin said.

"Just trying to make you happy Justy," JC said stressing the pet name
Britney had given him on the MMC.

It sounded much different coming from JC, almost seductive. There was an
inclination in his head to push the throws of their friendship to a new
level. He was suddenly confused and happy at the same time. It was not like
he had not given the thought to experimenting on JC before. But, what if he
didn't like it what if.

Justin had no time to answer the question as JC was now done and heading
right for him. Joey was safely asleep on the couch and there was nothing to
stop it unless he didn't want it to happen now.

"Ready," JC asked and all Justin could do was look at him with a dumb
founded smile on his face. JC looked at him all the while smiling and
leaned forwards. Justin grabbed the back of JC head and pulled him in tight
pressing their lips together. This was their decisive moment; this was
their moment for Joey to wake up.

"Guys, what the hell is going on?" Joey said calmly.

Justin and JC pulled apart looking at one another first and them turning to
Joey. Justin was the first person to speak as the two of them looked at him
with smiles plastered across their faces.

"JC quite smoking," Justin said turning back to kiss JC softly.

"No, you missed the point Justin," Joey replied.

"No I didn't," Justin said pointing at JC's protruding dick.

"Okay, so you're turned on by the kiss but are you telling me
you're... um." Joey paused not wanting to ask the question. "Never mind,"
Joey said rolling over facing the back of the couch hoping to doze off
again.

"Well, yes I am turned on by the kiss. But this is JC, he is you know,"
Justin said making a waving motion as he gestured to JC.

"No Really! Forget I woke up guys," Joey said not turning back to look at
them.


Lance's Point of View

The truth is Jacob had told me most of what Chris is saying to me now.

"Jacob you want to come with me, I need to breathe," Chris said and Jacob
smiled over at him. In some way, I was actually hurt by their leaving, but
it was necessary. I was confused enough here, one of my best friends was
taking the man I now had found in my heart. That very same man was running
out the door with my best friend. What was a guy supposed to think. Then
Chris went on to do the one thing that I smile about every time I hear this
story.

They had made it to the cafeteria before Chris began his speech. Jacob told
me one that this was the whole reason he found Chris so endearing.

"Jacob, love him for him not for the group. Don't let anything stop that
love. In your mind, nothing else should be important. Now there is
something you need to know before I take you back in there. You and I are
friends and I know that you can keep a secret but this is something I have
to say." Chris paused looking for the words and Jacob knew what he was
going to say.

"You love him too! Oh my God. Chris I never.. I thought you were talking
about Dan... I won't pursue this I never realized."

"Jacob he loves you not me. Keep my secret for me and everyone will be
safer that way please. They don't even know that I am gay," Chris said.

'No," Jacob replied.

"What?"

"I can't."

"You will"

"I wont, you love him as much as I do and there is no way that I should be
involved with him now that I know," Jacob paused. "You always talked to me
about the guy and your thoughts of how you felt about him and I should have
known."

"That's why you have to keep it a secret. You saw his face he is so happy
and confusing the two of and making a decision about the two of us is not
right. I will step down. You two belong together and that is final. I will
deny this and no one will know. I promise you that I will never tell him as
long as you two are in love," Chris said standing up to walk back to the
hospital room.

"Don't I have a say in this?" Jacob asked.

"No" Chris replied with his classical stubbornness. Jacob and Chris were
inseparable as friends with the rest of us now. No more would they hide
their friendship.

That night when they came back to the room and Chris stood back giving
Jacob room to come to me I almost cried. The funny thing is I think I knew
then that Chris had feelings for me. But admitting that when Jacob was
standing right there was something I was not willing to look at until
now. I mean Jacob a man I was immediately attracted to, Chris the man I had
always known and never gotten a straight idea on weather, or not he would
or would not come to me when I needed him. The truth was Jacob seemed to be
the one choice and I would not change that now. Especially now that Chris
and I are so much closer. My insanity will be here for a while to come I
can feel that. But his arms have found me and made me relax falling in love
with him increasingly with every second now that he hold me in love and
contentment.



Love held true

"Should we tell everyone else our little discovery," Chris asked, thinking
that the guys were still waiting.

"I guess so Chris," I said still lying with my head on his chest.

"Lance if you really don't want to that's okay. I understand that this is
between us and all but, I have to tell you something too. Joey well.. Joey
kind of figured me out and I bet if our other friends are as smart as, I
think they are. They probably already have it figure out," Chris said and
immediate regretted telling me as I lifted myself up and headed immediately
to the door.

As I opened the door, I was greeted with a sight I never expected to see. I
stood motionless and looked back over my shoulder to see Chris approaching
me from behind. As Chris reached the door, he saw exactly what had stopped
me from going any further. I reached back and pulled Chris close to me
leaned back for support.

Justin and JC never noticed the audience that now was watching. They
weren't having sex yet but if they continued, they would be soon. Justine
was on top and grinding heavily into JC as they continued to make out.

"Should we, tell them now" Chris whispered into my ear.

"No! We're to busy. Happy for you! But, we are busy as you can see." Justin
replied.

"Touchy, touchy," I said pushing Chris back into the room.

"Well, that is interesting," Chris said setting back down on the bed.

"Yes, it was," I said taking a close look at Chris.

"What better way to spend my evening," I said pushing him firmly down onto
the bed as I straddled him.

Chris and I rolled over on the bed as our lips met igniting the mood. All
the years of friendship and closeness had a new meaning at this moment as
Chris unbuttoned my shirt. JC not knowing they could be heard moaned out
Justin's name just down the hall. Chris began to kiss down my neck while
running his hands freely over my chest. The taste of sweet seat rolled
gleefully across his tongue as he licked down leading his mouth to its next
challenge.

"Chris, oh god." I moaned out unsuccessfully stopping myself from
announcing our moment to our friends.

"Yes love," Chris asked as he fingered the button on my pants with one hand
and gently messaged my cock through my zipper with his other hand.

"I love you," I said sending Chris into a happy touching moments as he
hands grazed my heavy balls and ran back the shaft of my cock.

"I love you too Lance," Chris said lowering his head and brushing his lips
along my now bulging head.

"Oh!" I moaned out again sending the sound echoing meeting JC's own moans
of ecstasy half way across the suite.

"Lance could you keep it down Justine and I are trying to show each other
what TLC really is," JC shouted as we tried to ignore him.

"Baby, could you let up for a second," I said and just as Chris followed
orders, I pressed him hard into the bed where I quickly stripped him of his
pants.

"Time for my treat," I knew I wanted this more than anything now. I was
never so sure of anything in my life. I gingerly ran my tongue along
Chris's shaft while rolling the drooping nuts around in the palm of my
hand. Chris gently ran his fingers through my now flattened hair. He had
fallen for this Lance. The regular Lance away from the camera's and
lights. Chris had always known this guy. He had loved me so long for me and
never before had we been able to show each other. I wanted to show him now
that I understood and there would never be a moment when we would not be
together but it was too soon for anything else.

"I love you Chris"

" I love you too Lance" Chris said pulling me to him into an embrace. My
mind leapt to thinking only of him and I. He was the one that I needed to
make me sane. He was all there was anymore. I do truly love him.

And again the words came to mind that finally set me free from the
nightmare cage of the past.

'Love knows no boundaries, it exists all around us. Sometimes we never know
what lies ahead, rather than accepting it, we deny ourselves the chance.'

'Undying love? Forever and a day?' I asked myself realizing that he was
always there. Tears ran down my soft pale cheeks as I continued staring
into Chris's eyes He was crying now, as we didn't move it was about us
now. It was all about the future.  I leaned in kissing him gently before I
tried to explain what was happening to me.

"No more boundaries Chris. I love you," I said.

"Promise?" Chris asked leaning forwards and kissing me back.

"Yes," I replied, as his entire face was bright and hopeful.

"I love you too Lance. Always," Chris said and we fell asleep for the first
time as lovers in one another's arms.

The End






Special Bonus

Justin and I had made it to the room removing our clothes as we lay on the
bad holding one another making out. He was so beautiful, just as I have
always pictured him and just as I had always wanted him. I had never told
him before now. I had never thought that he would accept me this way
before. But, here we were after I have actually made a stupid one liner
joke. I expected him to flip me off and here he is the one and only Justin
that I have always secretly wanted in one fashion or another. Of course,
until now, I had been cynical about this happening and I would have never
put positive thought into it. But I love him.

I trailed my tongue down his body tasting every inch of him along the
way. There is the dick I had always imagined wrapping my lips around. There
it is with its balls hangings tightly at its shaft. The taste of his flesh
fills my mouth and nose as I swallow him to the hilt. His pubs tickle my
nose as I realize I have him resting tightly in my throat he moans in
pleasure, as I want him more now. I want all of him Even if for one night I
want this to be everything he thinks and dreams of sex to be in the
future. I want him to compare everyone else too.

"Justin will you." I was suddenly bashful and not sure I could ask what I
wanted. Instead I slid my way up his body and kissed him deeply.

The longer we kissed the more my courage grew. "Will you make love to me?"
I finally asked the one question I had always wished to have the chance to
utter. Finally, with it past my lips and the look in Justin's eyes I knew
it was something I should have done long ago. This was right. Why I had not
seen it before was far and distant to me now. Justin had always loved me
and I knew it now. I could see all the signs that had been there. There was
always Justin. He was the one to support me all the while I had tried to
push it out of my mind. He knew and had always played the Britney card to
keep it under wraps.

"Yes, Joshua. I love you," Justin said and thought for a moment of what to
do next. He was far less experienced than I. Justin knew it would make very
little difference as he continued to rub and caress my skin.

"How about I show you first," I said seeing the uneasiness in his eyes and
realizing the answer that I needed to see was there as he nodded with a
sheepish grin.

I completely crouched over Justin now lowering myself onto the rock hard
shaft trying to see how far I could go. My judgment was very good as I
slowed myself down only feeling the faintest moments of pain. I let my ass
relax further holding completely still until I was a little more
comfortable. It had been quite some time and I could see the intense look
of awe in Justin's eyes as the feeling of tight warmth over took
him. Feeling Justin inside me sent shivers of pleasure through his own
body. Although I was only half way down there was so much more pleasure in
my mind. Far more in fact than I had ever-expected his love to feel like. I
began to slide further down almost completely resting against Justin's now
rigid body.

"God, Justin you feel so go inside of me." I said loudly as he shushed me
placing a finger to my lips.

Instead of replying Justin sat partially up and kissed me as I leaned
forwards to meet him. As if on cue, he began to move his hips in slow
motion thrusting the rest of the way in causing a whimper in pleasure. Our
mouths remained closed locked together as we embraced holding on in the
motions of pleasure and most certain ecstasy. Justin began to withdraw,
while I slightly lifted myself up the stiff rod. He immediately tightened
up his muscles when I began to slide back down the shaft making him go
deeper hitting the right spot sending electric shock waves throughout my
own body.

I felt Justine's balls slap against my ass as I moved up and down the shaft
in a bouncing motion sending Justin closer to the edge. He threw his head
back drawing away from the kiss and leaving my mouth to moan. I was running
out of breath; my body was reacting as if there was none like this for
it. I felt my heart race as the pleasure began to build inside of me as my
legs became weak and my arms grew tired.

"Oh, God," Justin moaned into our mouths as we connected kissing again. I
rested completely on Justin again I pushed him back onto the bed.

"I want this Justin," I said lifting myself up and slamming back down
repeatedly sending the two of us into a sweat filled dream. Just when
Justin was ready to completely loss control I pulled completely off of him
and lay out on the bed face down resting my head on my crossed arms.

"Now Justin!" I shouted wanting him in me again. I needed him inside me
again, it was not just a necessity now it was a yearning unquenchable
desire. Justin obliged me quickly slipping on top of me slipping his rock
hard cock to the hilt into my ass with one full thrust.

Soon he was moving again thrusting hard as the hour rolled by. I moaned and
whimpered in pleasure, and ecstasy. Chris, Lance and Joey could no longer
be heard as Justin began to pant and groan in pleasure. The pressure was
building again deep inside as I felt my body closing in on the verge of
explosion.

I pushed up on all four and then leaned back to rest against the still
thrusting Justin. He too was on the verge of coming for the last few
moments. I knew it would be soon as he pounded my ass with slight
hesitations as he drove deep into me.

"Come one baby that's it. You're hitting the spot right there.." I let out
one final moan as my cock let loss ropes of cum. Justin felt my ass tighten
as he began to pull out and thrust in to me last time. His hips came to a
dead stop as his cock was buried deep inside me. Spent and exhausted his
body gave forth the final blow of energy it had as his seed deeply found it
way into me, sending the two of us panting crashing onto the bed.

"I.. Love.. you.. JC" Justin said sending my heart home as he finally said
the words I longed to hear.

" I .. Love. you.. too.. Justin" I panted letting a single tear stroll down
my cheek telling me this was real even if only for now.

"No more Britney JC. I love you," Justin said hugging me tightly from
behind still lying on my back.

"I love you too. But, I thought you two were a sure thing?" I asked leaned
my head back kissing the side of his face.

"Yes, at one time. But using her as I have is never going to make my love
for you disappear." Justin replied as his entire face was bright and
hopeful.

"I love you too. I always have I just never thought you would return that
love," I said.

Justin gently pulled out of me and I rolled over on my side to face him. We
lay silently staring into one another's eyes in my bed both no doubts still
wondering where our lives had come too. We did not say another word as we
fell asleep for the first time as lovers in one another's arms.

The Bonus End.


So what do you think?
Would you like to see more from me about N'Sync?
How about the next and final installment for this called "Letters"
Writergray@aol.com
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