Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000 10:03:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: Darren LeVanelle <levanelle@yahoo.com>
Subject: Everything I Said 10 - Non-Filler Edition
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10 Chapters in 10 days!!! Am I breaking a record here yet or do
I still have more to do. Anyways I hope to have this done but I'm
trying to make it as long as possible for all my hogwash the past few
days and only posting 11k long chapters. This chapter might be a
little tougher to read, but I'm working the plot development department
for some good shit to write. Actually, I just want to make you guys
suffer cause I suffer writing this. Just kidding. Anyways hope you
like the direction in this chapter. As usual, more curveballs. OK.
Legal stuff alert!!!
This is a work of fiction. I am in no way implying or stating
anything about the real life sexuality of the member of 'N Sync. This
story involves homosexuality, and male/male romance. If this type of
material offends you please leave now. Also if you are under the age
of 18, or this type of material is illegal in your state or country,
please leave too. You can check out my SlashPage at:
http://www.angelfire.com/celeb/DLeVanelle/index.html
Or e-mail me with your thoughts and opinions at:
levanelle@yahoo.com
Or you can try and catch me online through AIM. My name is
DLeVanelle. I'm always up to chatting with my fans. Hope you enjoy
the rest of the series as it continues to develop. Later! And
Godspeed.
-Darren
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EVERYTHING I SAID
- Chapter 10 -
Written by Darren LeVanelle
"Jeremy are you ok?"
I barely made out what JC was saying to me. Oh. Did I forget to
mention that I could sometimes just break down suddenly, without any
warning? Goes with the territory of being somewhat depressive I
suppose. That and it has to do a lot with my history in relationships.
I wasn't even thinking of how I felt or what I looked like, I was still
only in my boxers, since it had absolutely no bearing on anything at
the moment. All I could do was feel at that moment. And I felt like
my heart was ripped to shreds. "No. No. Don't leave me." The
memories came rushing back in uncontrollably. Like a dam had broken
and the waves were crashing in on my psyche. I couldn't take it. All
the stuff I had kept bottled inside had come to a crash within me.
"Jeremy! JEREMY!" I could hear him screaming at me, almost
sounding desperate. His voice just incited the memory of his song. I
could still hear it in my head. Without knowing it I started to mumble
the words out.
"But what...I would give, to...have a life like this..." I
sounded so stupid. Muttering and mumbling my words like a drunken
idiot. JC must have thought I was a some freak weirdo.
"What are you saying..." Ah! I knew I sounded like an idiot.
"When all the pain...is worth the price..." Damnit. It was still
coming out of me. I wasn't trying to talk; the words were still
clinging to me.
"That's the song I was singing." JC sounded really bad at this
point in my little re-tell of the story. "But how did you?"
"To fall in love...tonight." My mouth stopped moving then. About
DAMN time. I sounded so dumb and fragile.
"Oh god. Jeremy are you alright?" Yeah. In fact I can hear you
just fine. No wait. It's fading a bit now. And why can't I seem to
talk or think straight. "Jeremy? Can you hear me? Jere..." His
words faded from my ears then. I felt like so much goo in my own body.
I couldn't stand it. Then my consciousness slipped away. The last
thing I remembered was the feeling of JC's arms picking me up and his
voice echoing through my head.
"I'll take care of you Jeremy. I promise."
I was still curled up in a ball. I looked up from where I was
and saw my dorm you. I was sitting on the bed, looking out towards a
man who was heading out the door. I couldn't believe he was doing this
to me. After everything we'd been through, all the ups and downs of
our two-year relationship, he was leaving me for someone else.
"Why?" I screeched out in despair. "Why didn't you just tell me
earlier? Weren't you man enough to say you didn't love me anymore?
Don't you have any decency in that body of yours!" I was desperate. I
didn't want to lose him. We had built so much together, Ryan and I,
over the years.
"I don't think I've ever loved you Jeremy. You were my first
boyfriend. What I thought was love was just security. I felt safe
with you. I felt secure. But you will always have the first place in
my heart. You were my first. I'll always remember that."
"LIAR!" I screamed back. "If I meant something to you, you could
have at least told me you were seeing somebody else!" Ryan didn't
respond to me. I stared into his deep brown eyes and saw no trace of
the man I'd spent my life with since my senior year in high school.
They were empty, devoid of all feeling. And that's what broke my hold
on the 'bitch' side of my personality. "Oh. I get it. Was he good
Ryan?" His face twisted and snarled in my direction. "Was he such a
good fuck that you forgot to tell me? Is that it! Did he pound the
Jeremy out of you?" And then Ryan glared over at me and stomped out
the door.
"Well fine then! I don't need you! Motherfucker! I don't need
anybody! I don't need anybody!" The door had since been closed,
leaving me alone once again in my room. "You hear me Ryan! I don't
need anybody!"
I felt him shudder underneath my arms as I carried him to the
bunk area. It sounded like he was having a nightmare or something.
His head kept twitching back and forth. He mumbled every so often but
I still didn't know what he was saying.
I passed through the door and set him on the first bunk I came
to. It just happened to be mine. But so what? This guy was getting
heavy. He looked so small. I couldn't believe he weighed so much.
After I got him in the bed I ran to Lance's bunk. He was still
sleeping, curled up with a pillow in his arms. Good time to be
snuggling Lansten. Real good time.
"Lance. LANCE!" Damn he wasn't waking up. "JAMES LANCE BASS,
GET YOUR DAMN WHITE ASS OUT OF THAT BED!"
Lance shot up instantly and looked my way. "What? Huh? Where's
Jeremy?" He looked out of the bunk and around. "Did he get up
already?"
"He was up and about. I found him outside the mini-studio crying
his eyes out. He didn't hear me at all. Then he just passed out.
He's in my bunk right now. Do me a favor and keep an eye on him while
I go get some ice and tell the bus driver to stop at a hospital or to
radio an emergency paramedic. I don't know what's happening to him."
"But..." Great time to get all inquisitive on me.
"No buts Lance!" I screamed while heading over to the game room.
"Just do it!"
I ran up front and told the bus driver what was happening. He
said it would be best to radio a paramedic. He did, real quick too,
and they said they'd have somebody here in about 30 minutes. He called
the other bus and told them to stop. We pulled over to the side of the
road quickly and then I headed back to the bunk area. I hope Jeremy
was gonna be alright.
Good God he looked like hell. I sat there, holding his hand as
he stirred and spoke in his sleep.
"You hear...me Ryan?" Who was Ryan? And why was he asking about
him and sounding so mad. "I don't...need anybody!" There was so much
pain in his voice. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if
there was anything I COULD do for him. I held his hand tenderly in
mine and started to talk to him my thoughts.
"Jeremy... I just want you to know that I love you." I couldn't
believe I was saying this. "I don't know if you can hear this, but I
had to tell you before it took me over. I've never loved anyone the
way I love you." A silent tear was forming in my eyes. It slid down
my cheek as I continued. "I know you don't feel the same for me. I
know it, here." I brought my hand to my heart. "I foolishly thought I
could win you over with my charm, my looks, my heart. But I can't
change yours. Well that's fine. I can accept that." This was so
difficult. I wanted him to hear my words while he was awake. But I
couldn't. "I'd never want to lose such a wonderful friend like you've
been to me." My hand gripped on him tighter, hoping I'd get just a
response from his unconscious body. "And I'll be that friend you need.
The one you can talk to about anything. Because that's how much you
mean to me." I heard a small sound behind me and turned to see JC
standing there with a bag of ice in his hand. Behind him was Chris who
looked like he had just had a shower.
"Chris! JC!" I exclaimed in embarrassment. "How long have you
two been standing there?"
"I just got here!" Chris barked out.
"Lance..." JC stuttered out. "Lance. That was beautiful what
you just said."
Then I felt the hand in mine tighten a little as I heard Jeremy
utter one word.
"Goodbye..."
School was school. Normal thing for me. But since I had moved
out of the dorms at UC Chico, I felt a lot better. The room just
reminded me too much of Ryan and that feeling of being unwanted and
unloved. I moved into an apartment nearby about two weeks later and
things slowly turned back to normal. About a month after that I met
Philip. We hit it off real well and ended up talking to each other all
night. It was great. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep
in touch. He called me the next night. We went out to dinner then a
walk down to the park, and somehow ended up kissing each other in one
of those classic movie scenes when the actors just stare into each
others eyes, and lean in so slowly. It was rather romantic and it
touched me deeply.
We started dating and about a month later I moved him in. We had
a great relationship. One small difference in this one. I was waiting
till I really knew that he loved me and that I loved him before we'd
have sex. Of course one night he was just too cute, with his short
brown hair and bright green eyes, his body gleaming in the moonlight as
he sat down on the couch cause he couldn't sleep that night. I went
over to him and hugged him, telling him I was sorry. He said it was
ok. He understood what was getting to him. He said he felt he didn't
deserve me. I decided then to show part of myself to him by slithering
his boxers off and blowing him on the sofa. He was so cute and sweet.
The whole thing was exactly as I wanted it to be. After I finished on
him he threw me onto the couch and returned the favor. That had to be
the best blowjob I had ever received. We cuddled in bed together a lot
that night and we ended up not getting to sleep until 6 in the morning
cause he had to roam his body with my tongue and touch and caress me.
I missed school the whole next day.
We were together for almost eight months. I was coming home
feeling so happy that the spring semester was almost over. I had my
last final in a week and then vacation time, which meant boyfriend
time. I unlocked the door to our place and screamed his name out. I
didn't get a response. I looked around and noticed an envelope on the
coffee table. It had my name written on it...in Philip's handwriting.
Dear Jeremy,
I know we've been together a long time. It's been almost eight
months now. All I have to say is that I love you. Maybe not the way
you feel about me, but it's how I feel. These past few weeks have
taught me a lot about patience with your busy schedule and all. But I
can't stay here with you anymore because, quite frankly, I don't
deserve you.
You've been everything to me. You've supported me financially
when I needed it, lent me your ear when I needed to talk, and you've
been more of a friend than anyone I've ever known. To put your fears
at ease I can say this to you. No, I'm not seeing anyone else and I
have never been unfaithful to you. You mean too much to me to for me
to do that. But I don't give you even a tenth of what you give me. I
know we've talked about it before but you've never really heard what
I've said. I love you. I always will. But I can't be the one for
you. You are a very special person to me with a very special gift with
your words and your music. All I seem to be, in my own mind, is
somebody who latches on to you cause no one has been this nice to me
ever and I'm taking advantage of you. You don't need me. You need
that person who connects with you. You need that love you sing about
that only happens in your dreams. I can't give that to you.
I will always be your friend. I left my cell number on the
bottom of this letter. Call me sometime. I'm staying at a friends
house for a few weeks till I can get my own apartment. As soon as I
get settled I'll give you a call and let you know the address and
number. We aren't over as friends. I still want you to be a part of
my life. I just want you to find that special someone I know you're
still looking for.
Love Always,
Philip
P.S. There is a CD in the player. Just press play. Thanks to you I
know this song. And unfortunately, I also know what it means now.
I ran over to the CD player and pressed the button. Yep. I knew
this song.
'Wish I could be the one'
'The one who could give you love'
'The kind of love you really need'
'Wish I could say to you'
'That I'll always stay with you'
'But baby that's not me'
'You need someone'
'Willing to give their heart and soul to you'
'Promise you forever'
'Baby that's something I can't do'
'Oh I could say that I'll be all you need'
'But that would be a lie'
'I know I'd only hurt you'
'I know I'd only make you cry'
'I'm not the one you're needing'
'I love you, goodbye'
I rocked myself back in forth on the sofa, letting the tears
streak down my face. He was right, about everything, and that's what
hurt the most.
'I hope someday you can'
'Find someway to understand'
'I'm only doing this for you'
'I don't really wanna go'
'But deep in my heart I know'
'This is the kindest thing to do'
'You'll find someone'
'Who'll be the one that I could never be'
'Who'll give you something better'
'Than the love you'd find with me'
'Oh I could say that I'll be all you need'
'But that would be a lie'
'I know I'd only hurt you'
'I know I'd only make you cry'
'I'm not the one you're needing'
'I love you, goodbye'
Why was I losing him? Why couldn't it be enough to be able to
share the moments? Why was I SO STUPID?
'Leaving someone'
'When you love someone'
'Is the hardest thing to do'
'When you love someone as much as I love you'
'Oh I don't wanna leave you'
'Baby it tears me up inside'
'But I'll never be the one you're needing'
'I love you, goodbye'
I heard the phone ring and picked it up. "Hello!?" I said half
in tears still.
"I do love you." The voice responded on the phone. "I always
will."
I sobbed into the phone, overcome with my own grief. "I love you
too Philip. I do." I continued to sob on the couch when I heard the
door open and Philip stood before with his cell phone in his hand. He
walked over to me and gave me a hug. I wept into his arms and just let
everything out.
"I know. In my heart I've always known. But we can still be
friends. I can't push you away. But I can't stay either." He looked
down at me as I still cried into his form. But he didn't leave until I
was all right and asleep in my bed.
'Baby it's never gonna work out'
'I love you, goodbye...'
Well I started to walk down the hallway after I noticed the bus
stopped moving. I bumped into Justin on the way down the hall.
"Is it just me Joe or did we like stop moving?" he asked in his
normal blond-power tone of voice.
"You must be a blond. If not I'll get you some more color to
cover your new growth."
"I thought the only color you had was that magenta shit you put
in your hair!" Very funny Justin. Remind me to laugh.
"At least my shit isn't tired and out of date. Guys bleaching
their hair was a 98 kind of thing if I remember correctly." He glared
harshly at me. Good. It worked. "Anyways we're going down this way
to the driver to see what's up." As I said that we rounded the corner
and saw Chris and JC hovering over Lance. Lance was holding someone's
hand in JC's bunk and then I just started to lose it.
"What the hell is going on?" I looked into Lance's blank face and
didn't even get a little of a response. I looked to see who's hand it
was and my head snapped back when I saw him. "What happened to Jere?
What the FUCK happened???"
"Calm down Joey. You're not making it any better." JC was being
the cool and calm one as usual. I was just going whack. I looked down
at Jeremy, tossing and turning back and forth in the bunk bed and I
started to break down. He looked like total shit. He was sweating a
lot and saying things. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out
what it was. "What he saying Lance?"
"The last thing he said was..." Lance's voice trailed off. He
almost sounded afraid to say what he had heard.
"Well?" I questioned again.
"I love you." He paused momentarily and continued the phrase.
"Goodbye."
"Oh hell no!" I sat down beside him and just started to ramble
off. "You better not be dying on me dude. Like before I met you I was
always totally confused about what I was feeling all the time. You
can't die yet. I haven't had the nice long chat I was gonna have with
you." I looked up at the guys, looking at me with questions lingering
on their lips. Each of them were just a little too kind to ask at such
a moment. I guess they knew the two of us were getting close. "I
didn't want Lance boy here to have the distinction of being the only
guy to come out to you first." Lance's head twisted suddenly in my
direction. I felt ashamed for not telling them this before.
"But since we don't know how you're doing I'll say it here in
front of everyone. All of you deserve to know."
"What the hell?" Justin muttered out quickly.
"Guys," I turned to Jeremy and held his hand, "Jeremy. I think
I'm bi. Actually I know I'm bi." I heard Justin gasp and Lance placed
a hand on my shoulder in comfort. "I just wish you could hear that
right now."
"Get out!" I managed to get out. It figures that I'd fall in
love with someone who didn't understand the word LOVE. It carried a
certain level of respect that this guy didn't seem to understand. "I
said we're through. What part of that don't you understand?"
"If I go," he stated while picking his stuff up and getting ready
to leave MY apartment, "I am NEVER coming back. You realize that."
"Perfectly. I'm not going to spar with you verbally anymore.
You can have all your own opinions and all your own ideas all you want.
But you're not right all the time. I forgave everything you've ever
done wrong to me. But I will not get into these constant battles with
you. You always have to prove you're right about everything you say.
I'm tired of it and I'm tired of you Dan!" I didn't even have to think
about it. I didn't want to stay around this guy any longer. He would
be driving me insane if I wasn't there already.
"Suit yourself." Then he grabbed his crap and walked out the
door. I could hear him start his car up when I ran up to it and
knocked on the window. "What the hell do you want now?"
"The keys to the apartment. You aren't taking them with you."
"I still have stuff in there that I need to get."
"Well you'll just have to call to get it. I may want you out but
I'm not going to be a bitch about it. Hand em over."
"No. That's my shit!"
"Oh yeah!" I screamed back. "Well it's my fucking apartment so
if you don't give them back they'll be out on the sidewalk in 5
minutes!"
"I dare you." He said in a very sarcastic voice. I stomped off
into the apartment and started grabbing his things. I took his CD's
out of the case and started tossing them out the door. After that I
pulled his clothes out of the closet and tossed them out too. I was
about to grab his shit on the shelf unit too when he barged back in.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"Don't test me."
"That's my stuff you're just throwing out there."
"Then you shouldn't have been a prick when I asked for my keys
back. I'm not playing your stupid games anymore." I grabbed a hold of
a picture in a frame, to personal to relay, and was getting ready to
toss that too. "Just give me the keys I'll bring it all inside
carefully and you come get it when you're ready."
"Hell no!" He tried to grab the picture frame out of my hand but
I wouldn't let him near it. HE kept trying to force himself to it, and
I kept pushing him back but he wouldn't stop. "Give me that!"
"GIVE ME MY KEYS!" He didn't answer. He finally pushed me down
swiftly and knocked me in the face. Then I got pissed. I brought my
hand up hard and swift and knocked him in the face. That got him off
of me, and got me on my feet.
"Oh so you wanna fight now?" HE rubbed his face and tried to
look at me menacingly.
"No. I want your ass out of here before I THROW it out now!" He
rushed me and that's all it took. I took Tae Kwon Do for 6 years and I
sure as hell wasn't gonna let Dan do this at all. I kicked, then
lunged, and punched twice. I had him out the door in less than 30
seconds. Bolted the door from the inside, there was no key for that,
and quickly called the police. After I hung up the phone I saw him
crying through the window. Oh no. That wasn't gonna work this time.
"Police are on their way. This is what you get for not leaving
and being civil when you could." After he finally left, with the help
of the police, I gave Philip a call.
"Could you come over now? I really need a friend."
"Ok. First Lance comes out as a fag and now you come out as a
half-fag. Who's next?" I shot Justin a look. "Curly, do you want to
come out now about your homosexual tendencies or do we have to hear
about them later?"
"I'm NOT GAY! Shut up Chris." I snickered a bit at that.
"This isn't a time to making fun of shit guys." JC, you aren't
my mother. And if I remember correctly I left home about 10 years ago.
"We don't know what's wrong with him. This could be very serious."
"That's right." Justin was actually sticking up for the guy this
time. "Besides he's the first technician we've had without a total
attitude and I don't think any of us would like to find a replacement."
OK. That didn't sound quite so great but at least he tried.
"SHUT UP JUSTIN!" Lance screamed over at him.
"Well I'm sorry I don't share in your feelings about how much you
actually like him. I mean, c'mon. Do you even know if he's in to that
kind of stuff?" Justin on the rag, part 98, take 1.
"If Jere wasn't here looking dead right now I would so get up and
kick your ass right now." Joey was being defensive now. Could it be
he fell for the guy a little too.
"Ooh. Big words Joe."
"And I got a big punch to back it up too." I could have sworn it
was going to come to blows. But JC, like the mother hen he is
sometimes, had to break it up.
"Girls. Girls. Stop the whining, get over the ego trips and
shut up! You're not helping any so just pipe down."
"Well he doesn't have to be so fucking insensitive..." Joey
started to say.
"I don't give a damn what you have to say about..." Justin went
off like he usually does.
"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I have never, ever, in the entire
existence of this little family, seen JC scream at all. He was right
on the edge. And I thought Justin was the bitchiest of us. "This is
stopping right now. The paramedic should be here any minute. We need
to chill." He looked over at Justin. "Got it!" Justin nodded. Then
he looked at Joey. "Got it!" Joey nodded. "Good. If I repeat myself
one more time I will kick ass!"
"Hey." I heard Lance looking around at all of us. The worry on
his face seemed to lift a little. Man he must REALLY like him. "I
think Jeremy's coming to."
I finally opened my eyes, I think really for the first time in
what seemed like hours to the familiar site of Lance. He was looking
right into my eyes and it felt like he was holding my hand. Actually,
like he was holding both of my hands.
"Jeremy?" His voice was filled with concern. It was good to
hear a pleasant voice after all of that. "Jeremy can you hear me?"
"Yeah. I'm feeling pretty emotionally fucked right now. But I
think I'm ok." My voice sounded better than I thought it would."
"You sure." That was Joey. And apparently he was holding my
other hand.
"I think so." Just then some paramedics came rushing in. They
checked me out and then carried me to a secluded bunk near the bathroom
area that was off to the side. I asked for that. Needed the privacy
to explain. I checked out fine but they said I should get plenty of
bed rest for the next two days. Cool. But I was gonna miss the
concert that way.
About an hour later we were heading out of the side of the road.
Damn. I didn't know they were all so concerned about me. Lance
explained what he saw but couldn't offer the specifics. The last thing
I remembered was crying in the hallway outside the mini-studio. I
found it so odd. Anyways all the guys, even Justin, came by to check
up on me through the rest of the day. I still felt exhausted but I was
feeling much better. Right as about midnight rolled around I was up
and writing something in my laptop when JC knocked on the side of the
bunk and opened up the curtain.
"Hi there."
"Hey." He looked kind of embarrassed a bit.
"What's up?"
"I was just checking on you to see how you were doing."
"You're the fifth visitor in like 10 hours. I feel special all
of a sudden."
"To some of us you are."
"Yeah. I know. Lance filled me in on what he said to me while I
was knocked out. He told me about Joe to although Joe also told me
when he saw me."
"Pretty crazy day huh?"
"To say the least." He sat in silence on the bed next to me for
a while. "So what did happen? I don't remember much."
"I found you crying outside the mini-studio. You were muttering
and I couldn't make it out. Except for some of the words. They were
the ones to the song I was singing. Then you weren't responding to me
so I picked you up and carried you to the bunks. You were sweating
real bad and I figured you were having nightmares."
"Oh. I think I figured it out." I was a little giddy with
finally piecing it together. "It was that song. It like triggered
something in my memory and it was like I was reliving all the hardest
parts of my life. But this time I really understood it. Does that
make any sense?"
"If it does to you then that's all that matters." He smiled and
I smiled back.
"Thanks for helping me out. You didn't have to be so kind."
"Yes I did. Besides I'm just a nice guy." He wrapped his arms
around me tightly and gave me a huge hug. Not that 'Good to see you
buddy' masculine hug, but the personal 'I care man' hug. It was a nice
feeling. And again I was racking up too many boy-band friends than I
wanted. I suppose I'll get over it eventually.
On second thought...nope!
After he wished me goodnight I turned my evil Compaq computer off
and nestled into the bed. It felt weird without somebody else in it.
I bet Lance was sleepless right then. Just as I was about to actually
fall asleep I heard someone's, I don't know who's this time, voice from
the nearby bathroom. That little episode must have thrown off my
hearing ability.
"Why? Why did I have to fall in love?"
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TO BE CONTINUED???
OK. I got another one out quickly and guess what...it's longer this
time! Sorry. This was a really moody chapter but it all just came to
me in a fever dream type thing. Anyways, I hope everyone enjoyed this
latest installment. Big changes are gonna be happening after this so
watch out! And a note about this chapter. If you didn't cry during
the part of the story where Jeremy and Philip break up then you are
just a heartless bitch! Cause I cried when I wrote it and that says
something. O'well. Much love!
-Darren LeVanelle
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