Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 10:40:14 -0700 (PDT)
From: Darren LeVanelle <levanelle@yahoo.com>
Subject: Everything I Said 13 - Non-Filler Edition

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	It's true!  I'm not dead!!!  And as much as I hated disappointing
all my hardcore fans out there I had to take some time out for me.  In
fact I was busy visiting the real life 'Jeremy', someone I dated
briefly for a while and who is the loose basis of the character in this
story, and had the chance to play catch up and have some fun!  I know
that's no excuse as I only have 12 back-to-back chapters but I figure
y'all understand.  I DO, after all, have some form of a life!  So for
those of you who were patient and understanding, thank you!  And to the
few who sent e-mails inquiring about my state of being, thank you also!
I just can't believe that we're nearing the end of this wonderful
little journey!
	I'm gonna skip the legal garbage this time.  Y'all should know it
by now and if you don't it's not my damn fault!  You guys and gals
should know the rules by now!  Oh yeah, thank you to the female readers
for sending in responses to let me know that I do have fans in the
opposite sex!  Happy readings!
	-Darren
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EVERYTHING I SAID
	- Chapter 13 -
Written by Darren LeVanelle

	Well I got the chance to run in and take a quick nap before the
show started.  And that was a very good thing, for me anyways!  I felt
a little under still due to my relapse.  The cool thing was that not
one of the guys made any inquiries, and I really appreciated that.  I
didn't want to worry any of them and, except for James, none of them
knew that I was gay.  Well go figure.  Another nice thing was that JC
walked me to my room.  He sure was being friendly a lot more recently.
I wondered what changed in this past week that turned him from the
normal 'father' of the group into someone a lot more laid back and
cool.  And YES, he is damn cute!  I think he's starting to get to me
but I can't think about that now.
	He's prolly straight, has a girlfriend, and would scream if I
turned out to be a fag also.  There are only so many outings one can
take in a single week.  Take it from me.  I know.
	In fact JC had struck up a conversation with me as we took a walk
back to my bus, which was parked WAY out in the boon docks!
	"So are you feeling better?"
	"Yeah.  I'm still a little bushed though.  But I'll be fine after
a quick little nap."
	"Cool."  He seemed a little reluctant at first after that.  We
walked for a few more minutes before he started up again.  "Can I ask
you a personal question Jeremy?"
	That got my attention in a quick New York second!  "Sure."  That
was a risky thing in a way but what's the worse thing he could ask me?
What kind of underwear do I prefer?  Boxers or briefs?
	"Actually I have two questions for you."  Well there goes more
points you've been accumulating.  "First I wanted to know where you got
the inspiration for that song you were recording?"
	Ok.  This was a little difficult for me.  If I gave him the REAL
reason behind it then I would be letting him know that I was gay.  But
then again.  Hmm.  Y'know this might work.
	"Before I answer that I have to ask you a personal question."
	"Sure."  That was easy.
	"Have you ever felt...attracted to a guy before?"  Yes I did!
Don't doubt my bitchcraft!!!
	"WHAT?!?"  Ok.  I shocked him a little too much.
	"Never mind.  You don't have to answer.  It's not that important."
Why does he always have to be so surprising?  I can't take this stuff
around here anymore!  What he said next was nothing short of baffling.
	"It's ok."  He took a deep breath as we neared the bus.  "Yes.  I
have."  He then looked over at me with those deep blue eyes and that
serious look on his face.  We got on the bus and headed back into my
room.  I suggested we talk more in there.  I didn't want anyone else
hearing this, as JC didn't seem very willing to talk about it.  At
least not at first.  He sat down on my bed and explained.
	"When I first met Justin on the set of the Mickey Mouse Club I
felt a strange thing inside about him.  We became really close friends
real fast but that didn't seem to be the end of it.  I didn't know what
it was I was feeling since I was just a kid at the time and so was he."
He gulped down, taking another long breath before he started again.
Now I wish I hadn't opened MY big mouth.  "When we finished filming the
last episode he and I were just hanging out in the wardrobe room.
Everyone else had left and we were just taking our time to say goodbye
and all.  Then I just kissed him.  Not a big kiss or a long one.  Just
something quick and sweet.  After that happened he looked at me with
this weird look on his face.  He didn't say anything for like 5 minutes
and then he suddenly started giggling."
	JC was acting so...sullen I guess.  Damn he could use a dose of
Fiona Apple right about now.
	"Before I could say anything about it he rushed up in my face
and...and..."  He paused again and then said, "And he kissed me too.
Just like I had to him.  Quick and sweet.  I still remember how I felt
right then.  Like there was something there between us that would make
me want to try something with him, a relationship or something but it
just ended up being a thing right then.  I would have tried.  I don't
deny it.  He means something to me but I'd never risk our friendship.
Besides he doesn't seem to open to the possibility anyways."  He turned
to look at me just then.  "Why do you ask?"
	"Well the inspiration for that song came from a similar
experience.  There was this guy in my school.  His name was Scott and I
had a crush on him.  It scared me.  I never felt that way about a guy
before.  We became friends and I was willing to just have that.  But we
became really GOOD friends and one day everything changed between us
when he kissed me after school.  I was shocked.  He was like the most
popular guy in school.  He had a girlfriend and all but he ended up
kissing me.  Well to make a long story short I lost my virginity to him
when I was 15.  It happened about a month after the kiss.  I didn't
know what I was or who I loved but everything with him felt so right.
A week after it happened I went over to see him and he told me to leave
and that we couldn't be friends anymore.  And that hurt me more than
anything.  I didn't care if he didn't want to be 'mine' or anything
like that.  I just wanted my friend.  I wished it could have been more
but it could never be.  Since then I try to distance myself from guys.
I don't trust them and nothing like that has happened since."  Ok I
stretched the last bit quite a lot but I had to keep my secret for the
moment.  "And he's the person I was singing to in the song.  I just
wanted to know what I did wrong.  Did I do anything wrong?  That's
something I guess I'll never find out so I got it out of my system by
singing about it."
	JC sat there and nodded after I was done.
	"You had another question?"
	"I think you already answered it."  He gave me a hug and left.
"Have a good nap.  See you at the show."

	The concert went fine as expected.  I really enjoyed hearing JC
branch out in to new territory when he covered The Cranberries song.
It made me feel a lot more hopeful for these five guys in the future.
What a shock!  In the span of a week I went from being totally against
even getting to know any of them to finding out one of them is gay,
another has become a good friend and is bi, another one is a bitch who
does have his sweet side moments, another loves writing and science
fiction as much as I do, and the last is one of the most passionate
guys I have ever met who has, or had, a crush on one of his band mates.
Incredible.  Incredible I say!
	I wasn't exactly looking forward to the two days on the bus
again.  But we were gonna be in San Diego soon and actually be in a
hotel!  That meant a real shower!  A real bed!  Ah.  The lives of the
glamorous and those that work for them is not at all what it's cracked
up to be.
	When I got to the bus I noticed that all my stuff was gone.  I
looked around the whole damned thing and found nothing that was mine.
When Amanda, the tour coordinator, showed up she asked what I was
doing.
	"I'm looking for my shit!"  I was obviously pissed at the time.
	Must've been on the rag today.  Remind me to take my Midol.
	"Didn't they tell you?" She asked as if *I* was the retarded one.
	"Didn't who tell me what?"
	"The guys.  You're riding with them till we get to California."
Well thanks a lot for letting me know guys.  I felt like an idiot as I
walked over to the other bus and hopped on board.  I strolled on in to
the game room, it needs a better title, and spoke my mind.
	"Well thanks a lot for letting me know guys!"  Yes.  It was a
repetitive statement but I can't keep my thoughts bottled up all the
time.
	"Sorry."  Lance started up.  "But Joey and JC wanted to shock you
a little."
	"Yeah.  Me and JC decided that you should ride with us from now
on."
	"Why's that?"  I peered around over at Chris and Justin who both
didn't seem to mind that this whole thing was happening.
	"Because...well I can't speak for everyone but considering
everything that's happened over these past few days you've kind of
become one of the family." JC said out loud while Justin got up and
walked my way.  Damn.  Is he an Internet whore or what?  And I thought
I was bad.  "And I'm not just saying that.  I think each of us respects
you more than what we lead on."
	"I didn't mean to be such a dick to you."  Justin said when he
reached me.
	"Yes you did."  Chris, always trying to liven things up.
	"Shut up Chris."
	"Bitch!"
	"Like I said, I didn't mean to be so bad.  I'm just a little
overprotective of my friends.  After all," he spread his arms out to
the other guys, "This IS my family now.  And I wasn't so sure about you
at first.  But I think it's cool now."
	"I really appreciate that Justin."  He walked closer over to me
and gave me a hug.  Yeah.  This was definitely strange.  After we
wrapped things up with the little family get together and all, the bus
was already out of the Tucson city limits and we were on our way to
good old California, my home state.

	After two hours or so, things slowed down in the infamous room.
Justin had been the last to leave and that left just me, and JC who
replaced Justin on the computer.  I was sitting down on the floor,
scribbling away in my notebook that I wrote most of my lyrics in.  It
was cathartic in a way.  Considering that most of the music I wrote was
done on a computer or digitized in someway, I felt it necessary to do
things the old fashioned way when it came to writing the lyrics.
Besides I just can't write right when I'm on a computer.  I was
thinking about writing something along the lines of a Diane Warren tune
when he started to gab.
	"So are you feeling better?"  Unlike Justin, JC actually looked
up over the screen and at me when he talked.  Funny how these guys were
so different around me when it was just a one on one thing.  JC became
a little more open and not so shy like he normally was.
	"Yeah.  I still feel a little groggy but I can't sleep yet."
	"Well why not?"  Always curious aren't we?
	"I have this damn chorus running through my head."
	"Then catch it."  Trademark grin, slight look away, and then gaze
back down to the computer.  Where have I seen this before?  And why did
it seem, or feel, so familiar.
	"I would if I could stupid.  But sometimes the songs I write have
to be ready to come out.  It's a Tori thing."
	"A Tori thing?  What's that?"
	"Y'know.  Tori Amos?"  He sort of looked at me and shook his
head.  "She's this eclectic piano player that I've been listening to
for years.  Very talented.  But anyways, she believes that all of the
songs she writes are already there, just waiting to come out of her and
be performed.  To a certain extent, she and I share that ideal.  I
don't force the song to come out.  If it happens easily then I know
it's meant to be.  If I have to force it then I know it's not right."
	"Oh.  Well what have you got so far?"
	"Just a little bit of it.  A chorus and nothing else."
	"What kind of style?  Is it a pop song, dance, ballad?"
	"It feels like a ballad I think.  Not sure if it will end up that
way."
	"Can I see it?"
	"No!"  I almost screamed it out as he reached for my notebook.
"This thing is like a bible to me.  I don't let anyone read it."
	"Then can you read it to me?"
	"Well I usually sing lyrics out.  It helps me understand where I
want the song to go."
	"Well then...sing it!"  Now he was being demanding with me.  I
hate dominant guys!  So high and mighty and all.  Damn Leo's!!!
	"I don't know about that."
	"C'mon.  You have a good voice.  Just sing."
	"Alright."  I relented to him cause, quite frankly, I wasn't in
the mood to get in a brawl with anybody other than Justin.  He just
left himself wide open for it.  I let out a sigh and started to sing
out the chorus idea I had in my head.

	'It doesn't matter if I'm not the one'
	'I don't care if you have to leave'
	'I just want you to know what you've become to me'
	'Can't keep this inside, but you have to see'
	'That everyday is a battle'
	'For me to find out if what you say is true'
	'Do you mean what you say when you tell me each day'
	'That you know you love me'
	'Well I think I love you too'

	JC just stood there, looking lost in thought for a moment.  He
reached over to the table and grabbed some paper and a pencil and
started to jot some stuff down.  He was writing pretty fast like he had
to get it out quickly.  After he was done he asked me something that
was another shock to my system.  He was a very well taught musician.
	"That's in the key of D that you're singing right?"
	"Yeah."  Quick study or just very informative.  "Why?"
	"Let me know what you think of this for a verse."  He cleared his
throat and went right into in before I could object.

	'I was a stranger on a winding road'
	'Looking for something'
	'You didn't know me'
	'But you passed me up along the way'
	'And made me believe in something again'

	'I was astonished by the look in you eyes'
	'Looking for romance'
	'I didn't stand a chance'
	'But you convinced me with what you'd say'
	'And made me believe in something again'

	'I didn't know that you weren't the one for me'
	'I just wanted it so bad, I could taste it'
	'Promised to give you anything and everything'
	'Had my heart in your hand and let you take it'

	'It doesn't matter if I'm not the one'
	'I don't care if you have to leave'
	'I just want you to know what you've become to me'
	'Can't keep this inside, but you have to see'
	'That everyday is a battle'
	'For me to find out if what you say is true'
	'Do you mean what you say when you tell me each day'
	'That you know you love me'
	'Well I think I love you too'

	He looked over at me and I just sat there mesmerized.  "That was
perfect."  Then I had a sudden idea enter my head.  It was kinda crazy
but it was worth a shot.  I took JC by the hand and ran down to the
mini-studio.  He was asking questions left and right but I didn't have
the time to answer them till we got there.
	After we made it inside I told him to sit on the chair by the
microphone while I took a seat in front of the keyboard.  "We are gonna
do a live demo recording.  Just for the hell of it."  I turned the
equipment on and set myself up to just do it.  JC was looking puzzled.
"What's wrong?"
	"I've never done anything like this before."  He looked so cute
when he looked all embarrassed.
	"Don't worry.  I just got an idea for the music and thought that
since this was just flowing already to just take a chance on it."  He
still looked nervous to me.  "Just listen to the piano and feel your
way through the lyrics.  We're not going for perfection here."
	"What about when we get to the second verse?  I haven't written
it yet!"
	"Just wing it.  You'll do fine."
	The good thing was that D is the key I am most comfortable
playing in.  Just so happens it's the natural key of my singing voice
since I learned how to sing belting out Journey tunes while in high
school.  The melody and harmony were at my fingertips and the music
came out easily.  JC followed my lead and sang the first part of the
song perfectly.  We then went into where the second verse would be and
he added in lyrics that were just as amazing as the ones he had written
down.

	'I was a stranger straying from my path'
	'Looking for nothing'
	'You didn't see me'
	'But you walked by me along the way'
	'Could've sworn that I recognized your face'

	'I was astonished by the smile on your lips'
	'Looking for everything'
	'I didn't bring that with me'
	'But you convinced me that I'd try someday'
	'And made me believe in my heart and my faith'

	'I didn't know that we weren't meant to be'
	'I just wanted it so much, I could feel it'
	'Promised to give you something and nothing'
	'Had me caught in your touch and had to make it'

	'It doesn't matter if I'm not the one'
	'I don't care if you have to leave'
	'I just want you to know what you've become to me'
	'Can't keep this inside, but you have to see'
	'That everyday is a battle'
	'For me to find out if what you say is true'
	'Do you mean what you say when you tell me each day'
	'That you know you love me'
	'Well I think I love you too'

	I switched into another key and gave a 2 bar instrumental so JC
could figure out what I was doing.  He caught my idea and continued to
make it up as we went along.  I too was following where he was going
and just letting this song take us where it wanted to go.

	'It doesn't matter if I can't hold you forever'
	'I won't mind if you can't stay here tonight'
	'I just want to be in your heart, us together'
	'That's where we'll never part'
	'That's where we'll always be right'

	Then I decided to switch my mic on also and harmonize with him as
best I could under the circumstances.

'It doesn't matter if I'm not the one'
	'I don't care if you have to leave'
	'I just want you to know what you've become to me'
	'Can't keep this inside, but you have to see'
	'That everyday is a battle'
	'For me to find out if what you say is true'
	'Do you mean what you say when you tell me each day'
	'That you know you love me'
	'Well I think I love you too'

	I slowed down my playing and JC acted like a seasoned
professional, taking every hint that I gave him with the music.  No
run-throughs or rehearsals.  This was music in its purest form and I
loved it.  I stopped my singing and let JC take the chorus out to the
end.

	'And I know that you love me'
	'Cause I've fallen in love...with you'

	"That was fucking awesome!" I exclaimed immediately turning off
the multi-track recorder.
	"You really think so?"  He was actually questioning the beautiful
take we had just finished.
	"Hell YEAH!  That was just perfect!  My dad would be so proud of
me right now."  I looked over at him with a faint glimmer in my eyes.
God what an interesting guy he was turning out to be.  "And I could
just imagine what your mom and dad would say if they ever heard this
and realized it was a one take!"  JC blushed as I said that.  So cute!
So I placed a hand on his shoulder and said without thinking, "For what
it's worth I'm proud of you.  I've never met anyone who's been anywhere
near as passionate with a song like you are.  That was just music.  Not
pop music, not boy-band music, but just music.  And it touched me very
deeply."
	"You're not gonna lapse into a temporary coma again are you?" I
snapped my head back when he first said that.  Then I saw him start to
chuckle and I realized that he was joking with me.  I grabbed him into
a friendly hug and held him for a while.  He felt so good in my arms.
As I pulled away he just stared at me with his eyes, right into mine,
and I was doing the same.  It felt like I was looking at Philip, all
over again, and that's when I realized why he seemed so familiar.
Philip and JC were very close in the looks department and that might
explain this attraction I seemed to have for him.
	Then the unspeakable happened!  Not quite unspeakable since I am
talking about it right now.  JC let his head drift towards me and I
could see his lips starting to part as he came closer to mine.  I froze
in a panic-like state.  Sure I would LIKE to kiss him but is that what
I really wanted?  Is that what he wanted?  Well just as JC was about to
make contact with me he stopped himself and pulled slowly away.
	"I'm sorry.  I can't believe I was about to do that?"  He looked
down at the floor and kept his eyes closed, looking very guilt-stricken
or something along those lines.
	I placed my hand under his chin and pulled his face back up so
that he could look at me.  "Would it have been so bad?"
	His eyes fluttered open.  "Yes.  You work for me.  That and I
don't thin it would be such a great idea to have another male crush.  I
mean I am a pop star and all but...I just don't think that that's me.
No offense Jeremy.  I like you.  I like you a lot.  But I can't have
something like this leaking out into the media.  I mean, I trust you
but it's not only my career on the line.  Besides I hardly know you."
	I felt a little disappointed, and ecstatic at the same time.
Dreams are dreams and meant to be crushed I suppose.  "But one kiss
wouldn't be so bad would it?  I mean, just one little kiss."
	"Do you want me to kiss you?"
	"I think so."
	"That's not a good answer."  He looked very serious this time as
he leaned in closer towards me.  "Do you truly want me to kiss you?"
	"Yes."  I said softly.  "I do."
	He leaned in quickly at me right then and...

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TO BE CONTINUED???

A little longer for my delayed absence from Nifty and my SlashPage.
Sorry but I did need the time and now I have more enthusiasm!  Hooray
for me!  Anyways, the next installment, Chapter 14, will be the last
one before 'Everything I Said-Finale' so you better be ready and
waiting!  Thanks again to all my wonderful readers!  I LOVE YOU ALL!
This is always about you guys!  Anyways (I say that WAY too much) have
fun reading!  WooHoo!
	-Darren
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