Date: Sun, 23 Jul 2000 15:55:09 CDT
From: David D <djackson41@hotmail.com>
Subject: fear-of-falling-4

   Hey, look, I'm sorry alright.  I know it's been a long time, but it's
finally here.  Thanks for all the colorful e-mail.  I look forward to
hearing from you guys some more.  Tell me what you think of this new
installment.  I know a few of you will. :-)  Oh, and thanks to my girl
Colleen author of "tears in your eyes."

  Now, time for the disclaimer.  Don't read this if you're not allowed and
this is only fiction.  I repeat this is ONLY FICTION.  Thanks and continue
to e-mail your very welcomed comments.


Chapter 5

    ~Should I go in or should I take the bitch's way out and wait until they
leave?  But that could take awhile and I don't want to worry Joe.~  I opted
to take the back door to by me a little more time.  ~If I was going to
confront them all, I might as well be clean and fully dressed.~  I ran to
the back door and opened it.  No one was in the kitchen, so I took the
kitchen stairs up to my room.  I closed the door.  I entered the house
undetected and was safe for now.  I removed my clothes and took a shower.
Joey let me borrow his radio and I listened to Janet Jackson's "the Velvet
Rope" album.  This CD has always helped me through some really sad times.  I
took a long hot shower to prolong my agony.  I turned off the water and
opened the shower door.

"Oh, shit," I yelled, "you fucking scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry," replied Joey sitting on the basin.

"Yeah whatever, you just wanted to see me naked," I said hoping to make him
laugh.  It didn't work.

"Could you hand me a towel," I asked in defeat.  He handed me a towel and
returned to the sink basin.

"Look, John.  You mean so much to me, you're my brother as far as I'm
concerned, you know?" he stated calmly.  I smiled as I finished drying
myself off.  "These guys have become very close to me too over the past few
years.  What happened last night was bad.  I know Chris said some things
that were fuckin' dumb.  I just hope you can find it in your heart to
forgive him.  I want all the people I care about to be friends."

"Yeah, sure.  It's not like he's the first person to hate me for no reason,"
I chuckled as I stared off in space remembering all the teasing and laughter
I went through as a kid.

"He doesn't hate you," Joey sighed as he came over to hug me.  It was a good
thing I was dry because he pulled me tight.  "Look, I'll let you get dressed
and when  you come down I'll let you and Chris make-up."

"How did they get here so early?" I wondered aloud.

"They all came over last night and we talked about what happened," he said.
"I knocked on your door last night, but either you didn't want to talk or
you were asleep because you didn't answer."

"I wouldn't have wanted to talk even if I had heard you," I said.

"Look, I know what Chris said was fucked up..." he began.

"It has little to do with what Chris said," I interrupted. "The fact of the
matter is that when Chris was insulting me, no one decided to help me out."
Joey looked at me for a while and smiled.

"That's where you're wrong," he said in an even tone, "I seem to remember a
Mr. Chasez trying to help you out.  But besides that, they hardly know you.
They've known Chris a lot longer than they've known you.  I'm not trying to
make excuses for them, but you have to see it from their perspective."  ~I
hate it when he's right.  The jack-ass.  I'm just overreacting on that
part.~  Joey turned around and went downstairs.  But before he got there he
turned and yelled for me to hurry up.

"Yeah, sure," I said.  I hurriedly dressed and was ready to go.  ~It was now
or never~  I said to myself as I stood at the top of the stairs.  ~Why the
fuck am I so damn upset?~  I made my way down the very short staircase to
walk through the hallway to the den.  As I entered the room, smiles that
were previously being shared retreated to thin lines across faces.  ~Oh,
that was very welcoming.~

"I hope I didn't interrupt anything," I said out loud looking at the wall in
front of me.

"No, not at all," replied Justin.  There was a slight pause as the tension
grew thick in the air.  I sighed as I stood in the doorway looking like an
idiot.  I definitely felt like running like hell at that moment.

"Um... John?  Can I talk to you?" asked Chris.  ~Oh, so you're willing to
embarrass me in front of your friends, but you want to apologize in
private?~  I just smiled and agreed.  I looked at Joey, with my "this is not
starting well" look.  He just shook his head and begged me with his eyes to
be nice.  I followed Chris into the kitchen and sat on the island as he
stood in front of the sink with his back to me.

"Look, I just wanted to apologize to you for last night," he said as he
turned around to look me in the eyes.  I wanted to say something, but I
sensed he wasn't finished so I let him continue on.  "What I said to you,
and the way I said those things was completely out of  line, and there is no
excuse for it.  I acted like a total asshole and you didn't deserve it at
all.  You did me a huge favor and I reward your friendship with shit.  I
hope you can forgive me."

     I just sat there and looked at him for a while.  I was glad he decided
not to beat around the bush.  That apology was honest and straight to the
point.  I smiled at him which made him smile in return.

"It's alright," I finally answered, "I forgive you, I can imagine what it
looked like from your perspective so I'm going to cut you some slack and
clear the slate.  Is that cool wit you?"  I extended my hand.  He smiled and
walked over to me and shook it.

"I understand why Joey likes you so much," he began, "thanks for being so
cool.  I really appreciate it."

"No, thank you, I know how it is to apologize to someone.  Especially to a
stranger."

"Not a stranger anymore," he smiled.  I smiled and got down from the island.

"I'm hungry," I said.

"Yeah, me too," he agreed, " let's see what Joey's got in the fridge."  We
walked over to the ice box and looked in.  Nothing.  Well... actually,
nothing that we wanted to eat at that time.  I looked into the freezer and
found some ice cream sandwiches.

"Here let's have this," I said.

"It's 10 o'clock in the morning," he said.

"Your point," I asked waving the ice cream in front of him.

"You're right let's eat," he said as he grabbed for the bar.  We spent the
next fifteen minutes devouring Joey's ice cream.  We ate until there was
only one ice cream sandwich left.  As we finished our ice cream Chris looked
in the box and pulled it out.

"I don't think so, chum," I smiled at him.

"Oh, really?" he started, "it seems to me that I got it.  What you gonna do
now, kid?"  I grabbed for the ice cream and he pulled it away.

"I'm going to get it," I chuckled.

"Bring it on, son," he laughed back.  I jumped him.  I brought him down to
the floor and we began wrestling right there in Joey's kitchen.  As we
wrestled I guess we got a little noisy, because Joey came into the kitchen
to check on us.  He walked over to us and looked down with an angry stare.

"What the hell is going on here?" he asked, "you two better stop fighting
each other.  Don't make me come down there, you guys look like dumbasses."
I looked over at Chris who looked back at me and smiled.

"I don't know," I began, "should we?"  I asked him.  He got this knowing
look on his face and he nodded his agreement.  I nodded back at him and said
"Now."  Chris and I each grabbed one of Joey's arms and brought him down to
the floor.  Then Chris unwrapped the ice cream and we smeared it all over
his face.  Joey got this look in his eyes that I've only seen twice before.
Once when his dad accidentally ran over his bike, and the next when this
bully hit me in the nose at school.  I knew it meant to get as far away from
him as possible.

"Um... Chris?" I nervously asked.

"Yeah?" He responded not seeing the look on Joey's face.

"RUN!!" I yelped just before Joey pushed us off him.  Chris and I cut out of
the kitchen so fast we created a sonic boom right there.   We ran down the
hallway and into the den where we were met by confused looks from the rest
of the guys.

"What's going on you guys?  Did you make up?" JC asked.

"No talk, must run." Chris heaved.  Chris' comment was met with confusion
from the rest of the guys until Joey bounded into the den, face covered in
ice cream looking like he was going to kill somebody.  Chris and I went out
the front door and into the front yard.  Joey came to the door as soon as I
jumped down from the porch.  Chris and I ran on the lawn trying to escape
from a very pissed off Joey.

   I was in front of Chris and we headed down to the end of the yard.  We
almost made it, but Chris tripped on the hose which I narrowly escaped.  I
tried to turn around and help him, but Joey was on him like funk to a skunk.
  Joey grabbed the hose and turned it on Chris.  He drenched Chris really
badly.  By this time the rest of the guys came out on the porch to see what
was going on and they started laughing really hard.  I stopped running and
started laughing too.  I was laughing so hard I didn't see Joey get up and
start heading towards me.

"Uh, oh," I said to myself as I finally saw Joey come close.  There was no
time to turn and run as Joey rushed me, so I decided to turn his momentum
against him.  As he reached me, I grabbed his shoulders and fell to the
ground and rolled backwards.  I then put my feet underneath Joey and pushed
up.  I flipped him over onto his back.  He just lay there for a moment
stunned by the unexpected move.  I got up and straddled his stomach looking
down at him, he just started laughing.

"Where'd you learn how to do that?" he asked after his laughter died down.

"Terrence was a Judo Sensei," I smiled down at him.

"Terrence?  You mean the one who..." he started.

"Yep, the same," I interrupted as JC and Justin came over to us snickering
at Joe.

"Looks like you got knocked the fuck out," Justin laughed.  I couldn't help
it, I started cracking up so hard I fell off Joey.  He just hit me on the
arm and started laughing too.  Chris came over and stood behind JC.  JC
didn't know he was there until it was too late.

"Come 'ere baby and give me some shuga," Chris said as he began hugging JC
really tight.

"Dumb-ass," was all JC could say.  When Chris let go both he and JC were so
wet they were dripping.  I was having a good time just sitting on the lawn
with some friends until my training took hold of my thoughts.

"You know," I began, "you guys should get in the house and dry off.  I know
it's summer here, but you can still catch cold."

"I would believe him if I were ya'll," Joey said.  The guys obliged.  We all
returned into the house.  JC and Chris went to put their clothes in the
dryer and Joey went to wash his face.  I sat in the den with Justin and
Lance flipping through channels on TV.  We would talk about whatever came on
the boob-tube.  We decided to turn to Mtv to watch a re-run of The Real
World.  I don't care much for this show.  The people are always freaks and
they are so juvenile it should be called the Rugrats.

"Hey, guys.  What are we watching," JC asked as he came into the room and
sat down next to me and Justin.  He was wearing Joey's clothes which were
really big on him.  I snickered at his appearance along with Justin.
"Shut-up," JC said to the both of us.

"The Real World," I answered his question.

"Ugh," he breathed, "I hate this show."  I sort of smiled and nodded my head
in agreement.  We watched it and it seemed like hours before it was finally
over.  Nobody made a move to change the channel, when a rarity ocurred for
Mtv music videos came on, and guess what started them off,  "It's Gonna Be
Me."  The guys sort of laughed, but I didn't really see it as I was
beginning to doze off.

(   The rain was coming down hard as I entered the church.  It had started
earlier in the morning just as I had gotten up, alone.  I wondered where
James was this early in the morning.  I got up and walked downstairs and
into the kitchen.  He usually would make us breakfast whenever he got up
early, which was not often.  I breathed a sigh of frustration as I grabbed a
peach and looked for a note.  Nothing.  ~He probably went out to get
breakfast for us.~  I decided to wash the dishes from last night.  ~Odd,
there is only one plate and glass here.  Oh well, he probably washed his
already.~  I started humming to myself as I washed the dishes, thinking of
the things we could do together today.  After I finished, I had settled on
staying in and watching a movie as it rained outside.  I smiled to myself as
I thought of us just holding each other all day.  I loved it when he held
me.  He made me feel loved, protected, happy, safe, strong, all at once.  I
decided to see if the living room needed the once over too.  I walked into
the living room to find his clothes packed into a box and a black suit
laying over the sofa.

"What's going on here," I asked in a panicked voice to no one in particular.
  Then the realization of what day it was burned itself back into my head
and my heart broke, again.  He died last week.  I have successfully
forgotten everyday so far.  I got dressed in the suit and walked out to hail
a cab.

   I got to the church and walked up to the long walkway to the altar.  I
looked down at my dead lover.  I looked at his now bluish face and the image
of his dead eyes looked back at me.  If I could, I would have cried, but
there were no more tears.

   I turned to his mother, who I knew very well, and kissed her on the
cheek.  I shook James' father's hand, and hugged his brother and
sister-in-law.  They all understood how much we meant to each other.  His
dad was glad his son was happy, his mom was happy her baby was in love.  I
walked past them and headed for the door.  I couldn't stay any longer, I
felt faint.

"Where are you going?" someone called very loudly behind me.  I turned
around expecting James' father to have come up behind me.  It was not James'
father.

"Oh, Shit," I yelled out as I stood there cemented to the floor.

"You promised," he held out his hand to me.  I couldn't help it this time
the tears came in waves.
"You promised, John," he yelled again.)

"John!  John," someone was shaking me awake.  I opened my eyes to find JC,
Justin, and Lance all staring down at me.

"Can I help you?" I asked rubbing my eyes.

"You were having a bad dream, I guess," JC said.  "One minute you were
quiet, the next you said, 'Oh, shit.'"

"Sorry," I said looking at all of them and finally settling my gaze on JC.
He looked down at me with concern etched into his brow.  I blushed
involuntarily, again!!!  ~If I blush anymore, my face is going to stay that
color.~  "I just had a bad dream," I ended.

"You know, you have a gift for stating the obvious boy," JC smirked.  I
smiled meekly and looked around the room.

"Where's Joey?  I need to talk to him," I said.

"He's in the kitchen," Lance answered.

"Thanks," I said as I got off the couch and went into the kitchen.  I found
Joey and Chris talking about our friend Colleen.

"Sorry to interrupt," I excused myself, "but Joey I need to speak with you,
please."  I ended the sentence by looking at Chris who got the hint and made
himself scarce.  I went over to Joey and hugged him.

"Whoa, little brotha.  What's wrong?" he asked.

"I had another dream," I stated in a twelve year old's voice.  "Twice in one
day, that's got to be a record for me."

"What happened in these dreams?" he asked.  I told him the entire story of
both the dreams and finally relaxed after getting them off my chest.  Joey
just looked at me.  I could tell he was thinking because I could smell burnt
rubber.  ~What a minute.  That's not suppose to happen.~

"Um... Joey?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm just thinking of something to tell you but all I can say is that
you are a good person and you should just let go of the past..."

"I know but..." I interrupted.

"It wasn't your fault that James died.  Everyone dies..." he started.

"That's true but..." I tried to tell him.

"He loved you and you loved him.  Maybe you're just upset that you tried
your best and he still died," Joey said.  His last statement got my
attention.  ~I did do my best, but my best wasn't good enough.  Maybe, I do
blame myself.~  At that moment JC poked his head in the room just as I
remembered what I was going to tell Joey.

"Hey, is something burning?" JC asked.

"Son of a..." Joey screamed.  I laughed at him.  "Why didn't you tell me I
was burning the food," he huffed.

"I tried, but you weren't listening to me," I giggled.

"You could have tried harder," he groaned.  Joey picked up the pan from the
hot stove and placed it into the sink.  He started running cold water on it.

"Hey Joey," I said.

"Yeah?" he answered as he poured dishwashing liquid in the pan.

"Where's the nearest pharmacy?" I asked.

"I know where one is," JC said.

"Good.  Then you can take me there," I volunteered him, "come let's go
upstairs."

"What?  Why?" he asked softly and looking at me like I was going to take
advantage of him.  Joey turned around and smiled.

"Because when you roll with me, you can't be looking like the incredible
shrinking man.  You're more my size anyway," I stated referring to his
huge-ass clothes.  He laughed and he followed me upstairs to my room.

   I went rummaging through my closet and got him a pair of jeans and a
polo.  He went into the bathroom to change and I decided to make up my bed,
just to kill time.  He emerged from the bathroom dressed in my clothes.  He
looked really... nice.

"So, how do I look?" he asked turning around.

"Umm... like you finally got some taste in clothes.  I saw those pants you
wore in your last video," I joked.

"Hey, I got taste in clothes," he protested.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, "I meant good taste."  We laughed at my comment.

"Jerk," he retorted.  I slapped him on the shoulder and we walked downstairs
to ask Justin to borrow his car.  He through JC the keys and we were on our
way.  We drove really, really fast down the street.  I have never in all my
life been so afraid of opening my eyes before.  I was grateful at that
moment for the innovative and ingenious person who created seatbelts.

"We're here," he said as we came to a drastic halt in front of the pharmacy.

"Is it safe to open my eyes now?" I asked.

"My driving is great, I don't know what the problem is," he sighed.

"Yeah, your driving is perfect," I began, "for the Daytona 500."

"Come on you pussy," he breathed getting out of the car and shutting the
door behind him.  I followed suit and walked behind him and into the store.
Before we got into the store he pulled a cap and sunglasses over his face.

"Yeah, that's real inconspicuous," I snorted, "seeing how not only is it
overcast, but you are wearing both sunglasses and a baseball cap, that's not
going to draw any attention to yourself."

"You know?  Your sarcasm isn't one of your best traits," he stated.

"So I've been told," I sighed.  We made our way back to the pharmacy counter
and I pulled out my prescription.  I handed it to the clerk who read it and
looked at me with arched eyebrows.

"Are you sure you need these, kid?" the guy asked.

"Yes, sir," I answered respectfully.  He just shook his head and told me it
would take ten minutes.  JC and I decided to look around the store.

"Hey, you hungry?" he asked.

"Well, kinda," I answered.

"We could go get something to eat after we pick up your prescription," he
said looking thoughtful for a second.  "What exactly are you getting?"

"Sleeping pills," I answered.  "They help me with my bad dreams."

"So, your dream earlier was a reoccurring thing, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's different almost every time, but it's sort of the same, too.  If
that makes ANY sense."

"It does.  What are your dreams about," he asked.

"I'll tell you that when I get to know you a little better," I said with a
smile.  I only met these guys two days ago.  I don't think I'll be telling
them any secrets just yet.  We got quiet for a moment before I was called
for my prescription.  We went back to the counter and got the pills and as
we headed out of the drug store, something caught JC's eyes.

"My girlfriend loves those," he said referring the flowers in the
refrigerator.

"Yeah these are pretty nice," I said as we went over to look at them closer.
  JC opened the refrigerator and pulled out about six long stem yellow
roses.  I looked in the refrigerator and decided to get some flowers for
Joey's crib.

"Hey, before we go out to eat, want to meet my girlfriend?" he asked in a
smiling tone.

"Sure," I smiled back.  He must really like her to be so cheesy when he
mentions her name (which is...).  "What's her name?"

"I call her Rose," he grinned.  I got the reason.  We bought our flowers, I
decided to go with lavender.  Lavender and white are a nice combination for
the house (free tip) ;-).  Anyway, we left the pharmacy and headed over to
his girlfriend's house.

"I wonder if I should call.  It's not like me to not call first," he thought
aloud.

"If she's home she's home, if she's not then no harm done right?" I said as
I drove the way to his girlfriend's house, which was not that far away
actually.  He directed me down the street and in front of a very nice
apartment building.  We got out and headed to the fourth floor.  He went up
to the middle door in the hallway and pulled out his key.

"You two must be serious.  For you to have a key, I mean," I said.  He
nodded his head and opened the door.  The apartment was decorated with
mainly roses.  Pictures and vases of roses stretched as far as the eye could
see.

"Rose?" he called out.  No answer.  He walked over to the bedroom and tried
to peek his head through, when someone stuck their head out of the door.  I
beautiful girl came out of the room as close to the door as her frame would
let her.  She was dressed in some clothes that looked like she just fell out
of bed and put on anything she could find.  Her hair was a tousled like she
had been working out for hours.

"JC!!" she practically yelled.  "Hey honey, why didn't you call before you
came over?  And who's your friend?"  She said as she leaned over for a quick
kiss.

"This is Joey's best friend John.  We're just hanging out about to go to out
to eat.  Wanna come, sweetie?"

"Hi John!  And no, I can't go out tonight, I got a ton of work to do, so
yeah, um... maybe next time," she stammered.  She talked so fast that I
could barely understand her.  She was fidgeting and looked very anxious.  I
had seen this behavior before.  The hurriedly put on clothes, the disheveled
hair, the worried anxious look about her.  Uh oh.

"JC," I began, "maybe we should leave, so we can let her get back to work."

"What?  No, come on Rosie, we'll have you back at an early time.  I just
want you to get to know my new friend."  My stomach hurt.  I did not want to
be there when he found out.  It's so embarrassing.

"No, I got this physics assignment to do and I got an Advanced Calculus test
to study for, maybe next time, Josh," she stumbled out.

"That's no problem," I said, "I'll be here for three months so I can meet
you later on.  I know what it's like to have to do all that studying."  I
tried my best to convince him to leave.  And it worked.

"Ok, then.  I'll call you later, babe," he said as he bent down to kiss her.
  ~Whew.~  I was thrilled that we were home free, I even waved by to the
little heifer.  He was almost to me when, CRASH.  Some sort of glass broke
in the bedroom.  ~Damn, Damn, Damn!!!~  He turned around to face Rose, her
face went white as snow.

"What was that?" he asked.

"The lamp probably fell," she said.

"Well, here, since you don't have any shoes on I'll go and clean it up," he
smiled.

"No, no.  I mean, I can clean it up," she got in front of the door to block
it.  I watched as the scene was coming extremely close to unfolding.  I knew
it was coming.  I didn't want to see this guy hurt he is my friend and it's
not cool.  I tried to think of something, but something told me not to get
involved.

"Are you sure?" he asked again.  She shook her head and he turned around to
leave.  "OK, see ya later, sweetie."  ~Whew.~ I thought again.  We are
finally home free.  The next thing to happen was the sound a chair makes as
it is being dragged across the floor.  And guess where it came from.
~D'oh!!!~  I threw my hands up involuntarily.  Whoever was in there was the
dumbest mother fucker in the world.

"Wha... what was that?" he asked tensing up.  He didn't even wait for a
reply, he pushed past her and opened the door.  He found some guy in the
room trying desperately to get dressed.  I stood well enough away as I saw
JC just stand there looking at the guy.  He turned around and looked at his
girlfriend, tears were streaming down her face.

"Josh, I am so sorry," she bawled.

"Yeah, whatever," he yelled.  I was feeling very uncomfortable at this time.
  JC just looked at her and she cried.  I could tell he was hurt at what he
just discovered and the fact that the woman he loved as crying.  I bet he
was torn between trying to comfort her or trying to make her suffer.  I
thought it probably was best to leave.  I coughed into my hand to make my
presence known.  They both looked at me.

"Um... JC," I began, "maybe, maybe we should get out of here."  I guess he
wanted to say something before he left.  And that he did.  I never thought
this guy, who seems to be very level-headed, could say some of the things he
did.  I was impressed and anxious at the same time.  I quickly went over to
him and put my hand on his shoulder.  It helped to calm him down a little.
By this time, Rose was crying hysterically.  I pulled on him.  I thought
that he would resist, but he didn't.  I pulled him the whole way out of the
building and into the car.  I drove us back to Joey's in silence.  ~Maybe we
should have called first.~