Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 19:24:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: Luna <bandaidstuckonme@yahoo.com>
Subject: Free

Free:
A Short Story
By Luna

Disclaimer: I don't know NSYNC or any members of
their group.. any truth in this is merely coincedence..
but since its fiction its HIGHLY unlikely..
I don't mean to imply anything about the members of NSYNC
nor do I wish any of them harm.
(blah blah blah yakkity schmakitty)
don't read this if you're underage or its illegal.
(I hate writing disclaimers)

Note:
Congrats to all the winners in the BBSA's.
I *love* feedback *hint*
bandaidstuckonme@yahoo.com
Thanks to Matt for being an awesome beta-reader.


On with it already, right? LOL.
here you go.


A whisper. "Can I kiss you?"

A sigh. "No." The pain begins- the body's mutiny.
My whole being wanted that kiss. I wanted to kiss
him senseless.

A groan. "Why not?"

"Because." A cop-out answer.

"Cuz why?" His accent poking through his voice.

I sighed. "Because then I'll have to kiss you
back. And then after that I'll have to deal with
all these feelings. I don't want to deal with them,
Just. I love you but, now isn't time for a relationship."

Eyes roll- a fucking interview answer! "Then when?"

"When?"

"Yes, Lance. When? When the hell do we get to deal
then?"

A sigh. Resignation. It's too hard. "I don't know."

Tears..and a pair of wet pillowcases.

***

Don't touch. Don't touch.

It was my new mantra. I wanted to
break it so badly.

Don't touch.

But his curls were so touchable. They
begged to be touched and pulled, and tested.

Don't touch.

He'd crawled into my bed an hour before
and fallen asleep almost instantly. He didn't
say anything, he didn't talk, he just laid
down, snuggling into the covers and went to
sleep. He was a confusing guy.

I wasn't going to sleep with him there, I knew.
I loved him, wanted him- but I couldn't have
him... not now.

Justin asked me that all the time now. He'd
asked me when for the first time almost a
year ago and since then he asked about once
a month when I thought it'd be time for an
us. I wondered if he had as much trouble
keeping his hands off of me as much as I
did keeping my hands off of him.

Justin rolled over in his sleep, cuddling his
face into the pillow, revealing the creases
that were now pressed into his face. I got
up and walked into the bathroom, flicking
the light.

I blinked back tears at the hard florescent
light and washed my face with cold water.
I knew I was going to have horrible bags
under my eyes in the morning from this.

I walked out, flicking the light off and
crawled into the bed, my entire body now
tingling from the sheer proximity of his
body.

Don't touch.

"Lance-" a sleepy voice was asking me in
the dark.

"Hmm?"

"Where'd ya go?"

"Bathroom."

"Hold me, Lance." Pause. "Please."

"I can't Justin. We've discussed this before."

Justin rolled over to look Lance in the eyes,
despite the darkness. "I can't wait much longer,
Lance. It hurts, Lance. Literally."

"It's not that I don't want to-" I stuttered out.
I was on the verge of tears myself. I wanted to
run screaming to Johnny right there and tell him
and management and the entire world that I was
in love with Justin Timberlake and I didn't care
what they thought, that we were going to be happy-
but that wasn't to be.

"Then-"

"Justin- its just that... I just- we'd have so
much to deal with- maybe when this gig is up-
when we've all had our fifteen minutes-"

Justin nodded and sniffled. "I know...."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too."

"I hate this."

"Me too."

Justin stook a shuddering breath and I could
see a few tears running down his cheeks.

Don't touch.

I want to!

Don't touch!

I pulled him into my arms, offering what comfort
I could, hoping I could control myself-

Don't kiss him!

I want to.. but I know.

It was kinda funny how my inner demons or whoever
it was that seemed to argue against me sounded
eerily like Johnny. I held him tight to my chest.
"Sleep, Justin. The sooner you sleep the sooner
tomorrow comes.. and then another tomorrow and
many more- and some day it'll be our day."

I heard Justin whispering quietly a small prayer
to God or whoever he thought was listening-
"Soon, please, soon."

***

We never saw it coming- instead we woke up to
it like the sunrise. It was over.

"Lance, wake up." I woke to hearing this repeated
over and over, a voice, familiar but choked, tired
and scared.

It's distress called to me. I took the frightened
man into my arms, holding him close like I had so
many other times to comfort when I knew that I was
the only way to that peace. I rocked him in my arms
holding him close. "Justin-what's wrong, baby?"

He buried his face into my neck, pressing his warm
tears against my skin.  "It's over," he whispered
quietly, against my shoulder.

What was over? Lord, please not our relationship-
anything but that, please. "Wha-"

A knock on the door interrupted us, when JC walked
inside. I went to pull away and Justin held me
tighter. As Josh got closer I saw the tears in
his eyes as well, the hurt, the fear. "What
happened?"

He sat down next to us, wrapping his arms around
us both. "Chris is gone. They had a car accident-"

Oh God. NSync was over. He was the dream weaver,
the spirit, the backbone- and he was gone.

The dream was gone.

Our spirit was broken.

I clutched the man I wanted so badly to allow
myself to love, even closer to my body, now
craving comfort as well as to comfort but
something in me knew that comfort right now
would be as slippery and elusive as a wet
bar of soap could be.

***

I stood there, staring at the freshly dug
earth.. cursing it. Why did it need to be
touched? Why? Why for my friend?

I felt a warm hand wrap around mine, and I
turned fully expecting to see Justin standing
there, as he had so many times in the last
few days, just standing close, hoping to draw
whatever comfort he could from me, as if I
had any to give. I wished I did. I wished I
could make all his tears disappear.

Instead of my precious Justin I found a tired
comforting face, wearing a lopsided smile, the
kind that happens only when you're trying to
cry through your tears- the half-hearted kind.
My mother.

I turned to her like any child would to their
mother, hoping for comfort in the arms of their
protector, care-giver, nurturer. I sobbed into
her sweater, inhaling her scent that I hadn't
smelled in _so_ long. She'd always worn White
Linen perfume for as long as I could remember
and today was no different. "Mommy-"

She wrapped her arms around me, trying to help
but she couldn't raise the dead anymore than
I could. We clung together, not caring who
watched, who photographed, who clucked their
tongues at a public display. "It'll be all right
baby, you'll see."

It wasn't going to be all right.

 I didn't want to tell her I didn't believe her
comforting lies so I simply clung to her tighter.
"Mommy..."

Justin watched from across the yard, watching our
pain- wondering if maybe someday, it'd be okay....

Someday?

***

Oh God, I feel so alone. The ache had
never gone away- not in all these years.
I missed him like I missed the ability to
smile, like I missed Chris-

I still felt as if my entire body had
been stripped of all its spirit. I remembered
back to all the times when Justin had asked me
when I thought there'd be time for him and I.
I remembered all the times I said I didn't know,
the tears, the hours spent in each others arms
pretending that it was all innocent- that we
weren't in love. The sobs that shook through
my body made the ache worse.

I reached for the phone on the nightstand and
dialed the number I'd memorized long before.

"Hello?"

His voice now calmed me, when once my voice
had calmed him- or maybe it had only calmed
the both of us. I don't know but, it felt
like a breath of fresh air and a dose of cool
water on a hot humid July day. "It's me."

"What's wrong?"

We have this ESP now. It's very frightening to
experience- to have a soul linked to yours.
"It hurts, Justin."

"I know."

"Is it safe now, Justin?" I felt like a little
child asking if it was okay to have dessert now
that I'd finished my dinner. Ironic that now
that I'm an adult myself I feel so child-like
at times when as a child I'd marveled that I
felt so adult.

He only took a heartbeat to respond. "Yes."

It was this bittersweet joy that poured through
my veins at his answer. I wanted to cry I was so
happy- finally after all these years just maybe
he and I could be happy together- I could
finally kiss him? It's funny how our tear ducts
are connected to our most extreme emotions:
fear, sadness, joy, confusion.... "I'll be there
soon."

"Kay."

I heard a click and then I turn off my phone,
grabbing my keys and heading for the car.

I drove in a haze, doing a steady five over the
speed limit the entire drive from Kissimee to
Orlando. I stood on his doorstep thirty minutes
later. I was about to ring the bell when the
door opened and Justin stood there, filling the
doorway. He'd been cute as a teen but now he
was something else altogether. He was handsome,
and sexy and dangerous looking. He had an aire
of sadness that would linger in his expression
and it threatened to lighten as I smiled up at
him. I could barely muster my voice enough to
whisper hoarsely to against his lips as they
lingered just moments from my own. "Can I kiss
you?"

"Please do."

***
it's time to be what i need to be.
you can't tell me what to do anymore.
now i'm free.
now i'm free.
***


</Free>

Except lyrics by VAST
"Free" from their new album
 Music for People in stores sept. 16.
*hint hint plug plug*


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