Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 00:41:25 +0000
From: Erika Anderson <eriker@earthlink.net>
Subject: boy-bands/front-row-1

Standard disclaimers apply here...This is a work of fiction and not
meant to imply anything about the Backstreet Boys.

There is no sex in this story...sorry.

I want to thank Gene and Ash for encouraging me...and just generally
being wonderful.  Any comments can be sent to Kameko1@excite.com

Thanks for reading,
Eriker




************************************************************************

The Front Row
by Eriker


I'm mad at myself for spending so much time
With you and your jeckel and hyde-ness
I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist
You laughed a wicked laugh and said
"Come here let me clip your wings"
				-Alanis Morrisette





								8/15/01

Dear Kevin,

	This is awkward...I feel like I should be addressing this to Mr.
Richardson. Why is that? This is supposed to be the easiest way to
express my feelings, right? No face to face crap...you always find a way
to make me not be able to talk to you...but writing to you makes me feel
like we aren't speaking at all. Are we? You sure as hell won't talk to
me about this. I don't even really know how to start this. Right now I
am running on pure emotions and I'm jumping right in. Who am I
kidding?....either I won't send this or you will just pitch it now... so
let's get all this on the table

	Professional boundaries....you always spout that crap to me.  "We can't
be involved because we have professional boundaries that need to be
respected." You are wrong...I can love you. I can work with you and love
you too. Who the hell are you to tell me that I don't love you anyway? I
am an adult. ADULT. I have been through more hell in the past few years
than you can imagine...or maybe you can. You were there with me, always
observing me and watching me fuck up. You let me make my own
mistakes....you knew I wouldn't listen and let me do it on my own. That
is one reason I feel like this about you. You respected me enough to let
me live and grow up...the way I needed to experience it. I was in pain
and you were there and strong, supporting but not controlling. I came
through it, not with flying colors maybe, but with a me I can live with.
Therapy works....never let it be said that I didn't benefit immensely
from my `time out'. So, my question is, why are you doing this to me
now? I am healthy again....yeah it is a struggle that I will be fighting
the rest of my life. It is a fight I have to live with and I want to
live now at least. I want to live with you.  So why, on this the easiest
to admit of all my secrets, are you fighting me? I love you. I love all
that you are.

	I know I have changed in the last year. After I got out ..I had to
relearn how to exist in a healthy and non self-destructive way. I guess
some would call it growing up...I see it as regrowing up. I chose to
step out of childhood and into an adult world when I was still really
young. Some would say I did it before I was fully conscious of my choice
and it's ramifications. Yeah..I did but I have paid for my choice...and
remade it. I am still here.

	That one night...the night we decided to hang out....before you started
this ridiculous boundaries shit.  Yes...okay..yes I had an agenda. Yes I
wanted to see if what I felt growing between us the last few months was
real.  So after a little laughing and talking and being us...really
being us for once...I kissed you. I knew I was going to do it when you
walked in the door. That's one reason you're mad at me...you feel like I
played you that night. Maybe I did but here and now I am admitting that
I did it because I knew you wouldn't. I think I have wanted that for
longer than I have been conscious of wanting it. You are amazing and
always have been to me. It all changed after I got out though. For the
first time in my life things are REAL to me....you are real to me. No
one is a super hero...you aren't an object to worship. You are a
man....and you make big-assed mistakes sometimes...just like I do. I
guess I don't need to tell you that I think this is one of those times.

	You know how you are treating me don't you? You are treating me like I
am a teenie girl in `love' with you. You are treating me like I am in
the damn front row at one of our shows with a "Boink Me Kevin!" sign.  I
am not repeating the obvious..the whole adult spiel but I will say that
I WILL NOT LET YOU PAT ME ON THE HEAD AND KISS MY HAND AND WALK AWAY. I
love you...I have seen you close up...I know you and I have for a long
time. I know Kevin Scott Richardson...the bastard who screams at Brian
over nothing,  the jerk who wakes me up every morning at seven am, the
kid who plays ball with us and the guy worries about whether he is
really too old to be doing this anymore. I love all of them...I also
love the cool and collected "Big Brother" Backstreet Boy....the image
you send, that you say is all pretend, I love that too. That is a piece
of who you are too. Considering that that is the only side you have let
me see for the past two weeks, I suppose it is a good thing I love that
too.

	I kissed you and you ran... I didn't see you for a good week after
that. But I finally caught up and I told you that I thought you were
wrong. What did you do...you tried to tell me that what I felt wasn't
real. It wasn't "No I don't love you." What I got from you was "You need
to rethink all this...I don't think you know what you are saying" You
know what that sounds like to me, Kev? Sounds like I'm not the only one
who needs some therapy. Why can't I love you? Why can't you even try
this? Why can't you admit it too? Why do you believe yourself unlovable?
Why can't you be happy too? And....why the hell am I sitting here,
pissed as all hell, and writing this out to you? You are three doors
down from me.....this is so stupid. Unfortunately that isn't going to
change...I can't go over and discuss this with you...like adults
do....you have cut off that avenue for me. So I'm reduced to passing
notes to you. Anyway...onto the next point....

	You are gay. You know that, your family knows that, and we have always
known that. I have always wondered why you still go back to Kentucky.
You had a hell of a time there the last few years....are you going back
just so you can remember what hell was like or to try to put it all to
rest? I don't get it and I know you wouldn't answer me if I were to
ask.  And why are you insisting that Brian is a factor in our
relationship? He is my friend, yeah, but we aren't nearly as close as we
used to be when I was a kid. Brian didn't deal with my little mistake
last year very well and he is still in denial I think. We can't talk
about it at all...I stopped trying. Is that part of the problem? You
know I was approaching this thinking he would be happy for both of us. I
mean...if we were together we would both presumably be wondrously happy.
(You can deny that but I know it is true.) But that is it, isn't
it?...you aren't upset about telling Bri you are dating me `cause I am a
guy and suddenly the whole gay thing would be far too real for him. You
are upset about telling him you are with a basket-case like me. Reformed
basket-case maybe but still...shit...why hadn't I realized that before
now. I swear Kevin....if that is the reason you are wary of telling
Brian... You can really keep running. I won't take that shit from
anyone. I have problems..yes...we all do.  I have survived...I am living
a mostly happy life. I am okay. I live with what I did, with what
happened, everyday.  Right now I'm thinking *that* isn't what is going
on because it can't be.  I love you too much to believe that of you. I
don't know...but Brian has no real place in our relationship. He does as
a family member but you don't owe him anything. He is your cousin and
friend. That is all. He can either be happy for you or not...and knowing
Bri I think he will be happy for you.

	I can't do this anymore. I am writing this to you as a last ditch
effort here. I have tried, non-stop, to talk to you about this for two
weeks. I have been on edge for longer about it. I know that isn't very
long...but I can't live month to month anymore. My life is day to day. I
take care of me from day to day....that is all I can do. That is really
all any of us can do. I am emotionally wrung out right now. I feel lost
and I am starting to get scared....so this has to stop. I need to let go
of this. You are everything I ever wanted...We could be so beautiful.
There is a connection between us that I have never felt with anyone
else. Never. But I can't sit here and waste away waiting for you to get
your head out of your ass.... I can live without you.  I have lived
alone for a very long time. So here you go Kevin....this is all in your
lap now, isn't it? Is that bad of me? I love you. I know you love me
too. Figure out what you want to have in this world. This is the last I
will say about it....


						    Love forever and always,

								Nick


I'm mad at myself for spending so much time
With you and your jeckel and hyde-ness
I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist
You laughed a wicked laugh and said
"Come here let me clip your wings"
				-Alanis Morrisette

<finis>