Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001 12:53:24 -0500
From: Ariane Lowe <asurvivor@hotmail.com>
Subject: His Inner Struggle

Disclaimer:  I do NOT, and probably never will, know the boys personally
nor do I know anyone affiliated with them.  This story is a work of
FICTION, I do not mean to imply anything about the Backstreet Boys or
anyone affiliated w/ them, this is purely a product of my twisted lil'
imagination  This story will contain SLASH in later chapters so if you
are under 18 or are offended by male/male relationships, PLEASE leave or
stop reading this RIGHT now.  Ok, now that I have preached, lol.

Copyright:  OK guys, I shouldn't have to say this but I know nowadays you
sometimes do...  This is a work of MY imagination, I, and only, I wrote
this story so PLEASE DON'T steal it!  Ok, that's that, so on to the
story....

A Backstreet Diary:  His Inner Struggle

~*~Part One~*~

      AJ looked around uncomfortably at all the guys.  They were sitting
in the hotel restaurant, everyone except AJ eating breakfast.

      "So, uh, Kev, what's on today's' agenda?"  AJ inquired.

      "Well, first is breakfast," said Kevin pointedly.

      "Uh-huh, I obviously know that," said AJ hoping Kevin wasn't going
to say any thing more.

      "As in get some and eat, NOW," Kevin said giving AJ a stern, don't
you dare contradict me look.

      "I, um, I'm not all that hungry, Kev," said AJ.  He hated when they
actually had the time to sit down and eat together. Lately more often
then not it usually ended up in a big scene.  Kev or one of the guys
would harass him about not eating and then he would end up storming off.
Sometimes he'd eat just to appease them but today he was not in an
appeasing mood.

      "Why is that, AJ?  Why is it that you're never hungry?  Huh? I
never see you eat anymore.  In fact when was the last time you did eat?"
Kevin asked heatedly.

      "Kev, could we not have this discussion right now?"  AJ asked
rubbing his forehead.

      "No, AJ we can't not have this conversation.  I want ANSWERS, AJ.
What is going on with you?"  Kevin demanded.

      "There's nothing going on, O.K. Kev?  Let's just drop this," AJ
said heatedly.  He wasn't in the mood to deal with Kevin's shit today.

      "That's funny AJ.  You never want to talk about it right now.  Why
don't you just enlighten us on what the hell's going on with you lately.
You don't eat, you don't talk to any of us, and you don't do anything
except work out and avoid us all, AJ.  So what the hell is going on?"
Kevin said his voice rising in anger.

      "Why don't you just shut up and mind your own business, Kevin!!"
AJ exclaimed storming out of the room and up to his hotel room.  He knew
that someone would come get him when it was time for the photo shoot.

      Flopping onto his bed AJ closed his eyes sighing.  Kevin could
really drive a person crazy sometimes.  Yeah, maybe Kevin had "AJ's best
interest at heart" but AJ just wished that he'd butt out of his life!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~*~Part Two~*~

      "AJ, sweetie, you in there?"  Brian asked quietly as he knocked on
the door to AJ's hotel room.  AJ sighed getting up he walked to the door
and opened it for Brian, walking back over and lying down on his bed
again.  The room was spinning and he was beyond dizzy.

       AJ stood making it to the bathroom and sat on the floor as the
room spun out of control, his whole body trembling as everything went
black.  When AJ opened his eyes he weakly got to his feet searching in
his medicine cabinet he found the bottle labeled Tylenol and took out
several of the pills, they were really diet pills but the last time Kevin
had caught him taking diet pills he had freaked and made a big scene so
AJ had just thrown that batch out and then when Kev wasn't around he'd
bought more and put them in the Tylenol bottle so no one knew he had
them.  He figured if he took some diet pills that would make the
dizziness go away.

      He walked back out to his room, pale and feeling totally drained of
any energy he had.  "Did you want something Bri?" AJ asked quietly.

      "Ummm, Kevin sent me up to tell you it's time for the photo shoot.
Are you OK? You look a little pale." Brian questioned.

      "I'm fine, just a little touch of the flu," AJ lied, he stood
following Brian downstairs. He was greeted by a glare from Kevin but then
a look of concern crossed Kevin's' face.  "AJ, you OK man?"

      "What do you care?  All you wanna do is get on my case," AJ
muttered.  "And to answer your question, I'm fine.  I just have a slight
case of the flu, OK?  Can we just get this over with?"

       The group headed out of the hotel to the tour bus and were taken
to a nearby photography studio.  The rest of the day was spent taking
pictures.  At 5 o'clock they were finally released in time to get ready
for their 8 o'clock concert.  They where back in Orlando and this was the
tail end of their latest tour.  They would have a couple months to
themselves before they had to go back to the studio to record their next
album, which was tentatively named "Millennium" in celebration of the
inevitable year 2000.

      They rode to the venue in silence, everything was still a little
uncomfortable from the big blow-up that had occurred between AJ and
Kevin.  Neither of them seemed to have any intention of apologizing to
one another and they sat opposite each other at the table shooting
daggers at the other.  They arrived at the venue and everyone headed to
there separate dressing rooms to get ready for the show.  AJ pulled the
diet pills out of his bag taking a couple handfuls of the pills and
willing the dizziness to stop.

      AJ had almost made it through the rehearsal, though the dizziness
refused to cease and he felt like his heart was about to pound out of his
chest.  He suddenly fell to the floor clutching his chest in pain, hot
tears streaming down his cheeks.  Everyone quickly walked over to him.

      "AJ sweetheart, what's going on?" Brian questioned.

      "Nothing, I'm fine.  Just a little pain." AJ gasped through the
pain.

      "Try and take some deep breaths AJ," Kevin said.  After about 5
minutes AJ finally was able to get up off the floor.  Standing weakly,
Nick helped him to his dressing room.

      "AJ, what was that all about?" Nick inquired.  "What just happened
out there?"

      "Nothing Nick," AJ pulled the bottle out of his bag, taking a few
more of the diet pills, hoping they would help him get through the
performance.

      "What the hell, AJ?!?"  Nick exclaimed getting a glance of the
pills.  "Are you still taking those diet pills?  Is that what made you
collapse?!?"

      "Mind your own fucking business, Nicky.  Unless you want Kevin to
find out about your little steroid addiction,"  AJ threatened whirling on
the younger boy.  Nick bit his lip.

      "You know I don't do those anymore, AJ!" he protested.

      "I don't give a damn Nick.  Besides you know damn well Kev would
believe me if I told him you still did.  It would be real simple for a
bottle of them to pop up in your dressing room or somewhere, Nick," AJ
said menacingly, knowing he was going to regret saying these things to
one of his best friends.

      "Fine AJ, let's just get back out there, everyone's waiting for
us," Nick said his tone stone cold.  He turned and walked back out onto
the stage.  AJ sighed following the younger man.

      Five minutes later the curtain rose and they began with their first
song, an upbeat version of "Everybody."  AJ glanced out at the audience,
their faces blurring together and their screams growing further away as
he collapsed, unconscious onto the stage.