Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 14:09:02 -0400
From: Kathrine <storykath@operamail.com>
Subject: How Can You Love Me, chapter six   (gay/celebrities/boybands)

Legal disclaimer: this is fiction. Not saying that NSync are gay. If you
break any laws by reading this, then don't.

Author's note: enjoy the chapter, tell me if you like it. have fun, be
good.

Chapter six: It was almost as the words lingered in the air, before JC felt
them as a soft caress right to his heart, he had never earlier felt such
joy. He had lost himself, and his heart, in the depths of Joey's eyes. It
was like a part of his heart he never knew he was missing, were added back,
making his whole being tremble in sweet pleasure.  Lovingly JC placed his
hands around Joey's face. -I love you too, Joey, he said, his voice
shivering with emotions, -you are my whole life, my reason for breathing;
for my heart to beat...

Tears were forming in JC's eyes, he didn't want Joey to see them, so he
leaned in for another kiss. His tears were tears of joy, but JC didn't want
anything to remind Joey of what were waiting for them outside their own,
private little world.  Their lips touched lightly, almost shyly. Gentle at
first, as they both savoured the feel of the other. As the kiss deepened,
both hearts reached out to the other one, feeling the instant connection.

Joey had been about as surprised as JC to hear himself say what he did. But
he couldn't help it, JC somehow had managed to break down all his defense
mechanismes with a mere touch. For so long Joey had hid all his feelings
and longings deep, deep inside, until he was sure no one could ever awaken
them and make him vulnerable again. He was still scared, and the voices
saying that this wouldn't last hadn't been quieted yet. By looking into
JC's eyes, Joey knew that JC held the key to his happiness, his chance to
get his life back on track. All he had to do was let him in, let him help
him.

Somewhere in the kiss JC could feel something new, he couldn't set his
finger on it, it wasn't anything solid. It was like watching an icicle,
slowly dripping away, releasing it's icy grip on the surface beneath. What
that once had been hard, cold and unapproachable, were changing, all it
took was warmth and time.

Change. Yes, their lives would never be the same. From now on they would
share the future, both finding security in the fact that they would not
meet tomorrow alone.  They were still in each other's arms, kissing slowly
and warmly.

At one point JC pulled away and packed the blanket better around Joey. -I
don't want you to get cold, baby, JC smiled. -And the idea of you being
naked under that thing isn't doing wonder for my sanity either. That made
Joey smile. And cuddle up tighter to JC. JC proceeded to pull the rest of
the blankets over them.

-Sleepy, honey? JC asked as Joey let himself be wrapped up in the thick
covers.  -A little, Joey had to confess, the situation was just too
cozy. -So, he said, drifting into sleep, -does this mean that you will be
my boyfriend, Josh? -Yes! JC answered and hugged him. -Good...Joey sighed
and was off to sleep again. Entangled in blankets JC laid his head down on
Joey's shoulder and closed his eyes. He couldn't help the big, joyful smile
on his face. -You make me the happiest man in the world, Joey, he thought,
then smiled again over the cheesiness of the line.

Lance finally shut down his computer. In front of him Justin were sleeping
on the couch. Chris was sitting in front of the couch. He was looking out
the window, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

-Well, Lance thought, -a few more days and I'll know if this ever works
out. I hope it does... That piece of shit will learn that he can't treat my
Joey like that and get away with it. His thoughts were interrupted by Chris
getting to his feet. -I'm going back to my room, he said. -Need
sleep. Lance took a closer look at his darkhaired friend.  -Are you going
to be okay, Chris? There might be some tension still around, but Lance
would never want to see Chris hurt either. -Yeah, Chris said with a sigh,
-I'm gonna go get some rest. I can't think straight anymore. He wandered
off, leaving Lance with a sleeping Justin.

Chris didn't feel like going back to his room. True, he was tired, but he
needed time to think most of all. He didn't consider it lying, what he had
said to Lance.  Right now he needed some time apart from all of them,
especially JC and Joey. If all had gone differently, they may have found
each other sooner and nothing would be in the way of their
happiness. Instead they were now fighting for their love to overcome all
the problems life seemed to throw at them. And Chris had his whole hand
stuck right in the wasp's nest too.

He sure had some soul-searching to do, and he needed to do it alone. Lance
would forever be his friend, but he was still a little angry with
Chris. Justin didn't understand why Chris had did what he had did, he felt
hurt by his friend. JC might say that by-gones were by-gones, but Chris
knew that he hadn't forgiven him. His love for Joey was too strong and too
intense, JC was being led by his heart in this case.

And as for Joey... Chris couldn't see how Joey could ever forgive him. He
wasn't even sure of if he wanted Joey to forgive him. If Joey forgave him
for what Chris had done to him, Chris still had to live with the knowlegde
all his life. It was better if Joey was mad at him, hated him, like he
deserved. For Joey's happiness. Chris didn't care if it meant that his best
friend would hate him for eternity. He would do anything as long as it
meant that Joey would be happy again.

His wandering had taken him to the roof. Over him blinked a billion stars,
like they had always done. The air was sharp and cold, making his body
shiver. The wind came in gentle blows, each one leaving a freezing mark
over his skin. It was winter-time, where ever they was.

Now Chris could imagine snow covering all the roofs below him, pure white
covering everything. Like a dampening blanket to cover all sounds, hiding
everything.  He was beginning to feel dizzy. He was so sick of all the
hiding, and he was aching inside by the pain that came when the secrets
were revealed.

Chris was angry, more angry that he had ever been, and he was
heartbroken. In his mind the monsters of guilt and regret were staring him
right in the eye.  Clenching his eyes shut, Chris tried to rid himself of
every feeling. It didn't succeed, instead the feeling of tears had his
bottom lip quievering. An agonized scream tore the air as Chris fell to his
knees, pounding his fists against the cold concrete.

He was breathing hard, the coldness under his hands began to creep into his
heart.  -I might have fucked up in the past, Chris thought as his mind
started to calm down, -I sure as hell won't again. If I can't help Joey
now, I'll take away the root of his troubles, of all our
troubles... Feeling calm and collected now, Chris pushed himself to his
feet. He would talk to Lance in the morning. If he wasn't all that wrong
his little, sweet blonde friend had something nasty planned for a certain
someone, and Chris liked the idea of that.

JC had gone to sleep rather quickly, and he didn't notice that Joey woke up
after just some hours of sleep. The way JC had his arms around him and his
head on his shoulder had Joey feeling warm and loved. They weren't even
apart in sleep.

The room was dark, every detail was fuzzy. The only thing to be heard,
besides their breathing, was the wind outside, sweeping the walls of the
hotel. But it was warm in their bed, and Joey was relaxed by JC's
presence. He had come to love him so much, so much that he wondered if it
had always been there. How else had he been able to give himself so freely
to him, how was it that everything that pained him became better when JC
held him?

Joey was still scared of letting himself love someone again, and terrified
of letting someone love him back. His experience with what had been called
love had nearly cost him his life, JC didn't know how close Joey had come
to ending it all. Maybe he would tell JC one day. It had only been that one
time, but Joey was still shivering inside of how much he had wanted it
then, how easy and right it had all seemed.

The morning had been bright. He was sitting on his bed, his body ached
everywhere.  Dried blood was on the sheets and on his skin. Joey was crying
without a sound.  He hated himself for it, but crying always seemed to
lessen the pain a little.  Looking up and seeing the knife that Jim had
left, had him thinking the one thing his boyfriend had left him with. -You
are worthless, why don't you spare me the trouble and just go ahead and
kill yourself? If you have the guts...

Just reaching for the knife had Joey in so much pain that he nearly
screamed.  But he determintly locked his fingers around it, dragging it
closer. The blade was matted by blood, Jim knew just how much to cut to
make the wound bleed freely, but not as much that it would ruin the
game. -I can't take this anymore, Joey thought.  This was the only way he
knew how to escape. The sun reflected itself on the knife, Joey's hand
shook as he lifted it.

Fascinated he watched the blade coming to rest on his wrist, just a little
pressure brought on the familiar sensation of pain. A little more pressure
and he was rewarded by the sight of blood. -Just a little more, Joey
thought, -and it will all be over... He was smiling without knowing
it. -And Jim said I wouldn't have the guts...

The grip around the knife was firmer now, the action more determined. -So
much blood, he thought almost amused. -How are they ever going to get the
sheets clean again? He still couldn't bring himself to make the final cut,
just let the blade dig into his wrist, causing more and more drops of blood
to cover his skin. One of them ran over the side and onto his thigh, in a
tingling rush.

His face had a look of concentration again as Joey lifted the knife
again. The pain as the tip of the knife cut into his skin wasn't as bad as
he thought it would be, he smiled again at the knowlegde that it would soon
be over. He was a heartbeat away from letting the rest of the knife follow
just as deeply when a sound startled him.

For the first time did Joey actually see what he was doing. His upturned
wrist was covered in small cuts and a lot of blood. The knife was still
embedded in his skin, starting that deep cut that would drain all his blood
from his body. Slowly he removed the knife, still fascinated by the flow of
blood. It was like he was hypnotized by it.

He was lifting the knife again when the sound came back.  -Joey, darling?
his mother called. -Are you up yet, dear? There's a phonecall for you, I
think it's Jim.

Now there was a scared expression on Joey's face. Even if Jim were only
talking to him over the phone, Joey still felt like he was too close. Like
he could reach out and touch him, hurting him again. -I'll take it in here,
mum, he answered, amazed over how normal his voice sounded.

-This isn't the way to get out, he thought and looked down at the knife in
his hand. At the mention of Jim's name, his hold of it had changed. Now he
was holding it like he was ready to stab someone else, to protect himself.

After he had taken a deep breath, Joey picked up the phone. His parents
didn't know that Jim had been with Joey that night, Jim usually preferred
spending the night where they couldn't be heard. Making Joey scream was
what Jim enjoyed most, and he knew that Joey would do everything he could
to hold it in when someone were close enough to hear. Much less fun that
way, but it did make Joey easier to handle as he was terrified of his
parents, or anyone, finding out.

Joey didn't have to speak, Jim knew that he would answer the phone. -Having
a good morning, Joey? Jim teased. -I myself am a little tired. You always
make me spend all my strength on you, you're just too irresistible...

Tears were making their slow way down Joey's cheeks and he closed his eyes.
-I can't do this anymore, he whispered. -I won't do this anymore. -Are you
crying, Joey? Jim's voice was getting harder. -Now what have I told you
about that?  His words made Joey cringe, but there was a little part of him
that refused to give up.  -Do you know what you almost had me doing this
morning, Jim? he accused his boyfriend. -I nearly cut my wrists open, with
the same knife you used on me last night...I nearly fucking killed myself!

-You lack the courage to go through with it, Jim said calmly as if Joey had
said something about the nice weather outside. -Face it, Joey, you are
nothing without me.  -No, Joey answered, he had no idea where he took the
courage from. -I'm nothing with you. I'm leaving you, Jim. I don't want you
near me ever again.

Jim's voice was like a snake, sliding through the grass. Docile, but also
deadly, threathening. -You are mine, Joey, you belong to me. I won't let
you leave me, you need me to teach you not to be bad. -I don't want you in
my life, Joey said, his voice just barely got the words through. -I will be
forced to punish you, Jim said, the little trace of arousal in his voice
made Joey surer of himself. He had to stop this now, he couldn't bear
another moment with Jim. Than he would rather die.

-I'm not coming, Jim, he said. -We're through, I can't be with you anymore.
-You can't do this to me! Jim screamed. -You never loved me, you lied to
me!  You lied all the time, you fucking bastard!

Joey put the phone down, he was crying too much to talk. -Yeah, I loved
you, Jim, he thought. -But you ruined it, along with everything else you
touched... He put the phone back on the receiver, wishing it would be as
easy to be over Jim as it had been to end the phonecall.

Exhausted Joey laid back on his bed. Had he done the right thing? What if
Jim was right, that he did need him to not be bad? But he couldn't take the
pain anymore, that he felt dirty all the time. Jim had said that he was the
only one who loved him, that he was the only one who would bother to. Were
there no one else there for him now?

-I'll never love someone again, Joey thought. -And no one will love me.
Joey knew he had meant his promise to himself at that moment. But he
couldn't deny himself the bliss of loving JC, even if it meant pain
afterwards. Was it possible that someone could love him too, love him for
real?

It was so confusing, Joey was scared of letting JC love him, but he was
even more scared of loosing JC's love. That was why he couldn't run away
this time.  He had to see this one through.

After a while he felt his body grow heavy with the need to sleep again, the
last thing he felt was JC moving a little in his sleep, tightening his grip
on Joey

Lance and Justin were alone. Lance was standing by the sofa, looking down
on Justin.  It was getting really late, Lance decided to wake Justin. The
couch wasn't comfortable enough to sleep on.

-Justin? he said softly. -Justin, you need to get to bed. His only response
was Justin turning on his stomach, hiding his face. -Come on, curly, Lance
said with a smile. -You can't sleep on this couch, it isn't even long
enough for you! -Go away, Lance, Justin mumbled. -No, on second
thought... Sleepily Justin looked up. -Can I stay with you tonight, Lance?
I don't want to be alone.

Justin looked unsure and scared, what had happened in the last days had him
feeling the need for someone to be near him, to share the worries. -Of
course you can, Lance told him. -The bed's big enough for the both of
us. He smiled again. -As long as you don't snore, Just... -I'm not the one
who snores! Justin played along. -You're the only human jetcraft I know of,
Lance! -We'll see, was all Lance said. -Or we'll hear...  Now go and get
ready, little one... -I'm not little! Justin grumbled as he left to get
ready for the night.

Lance was already in bed when he came back, smiling at Justin. This wasn't
the teasing smile he had gotten earlier. Lance knew exactly how Justin
felt, he shared the feeling.  They both got comfortable, and Lance turned
off the lights. Then Lance heard Justin say his name. -Lance, would you
hold me? Justin asked in a thin voice.  -Please?

Lance wrapped his arms around him, pulling Justin into a close
hug. -Thanks, Justin whispered, leaning onto Lance and closed his
eyes. -You're welcome, Lance whispered back, sensing Justin snuggle up
closely to him and enjoyed the feeling.