Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 12:58:46 -0400
From: Ajantis 20 <ajantis20@hotmail.com>
Subject: If I Am : 19-20

If I Am

	Thanks for all the responses! The good news is that thanks to all the
enthusiastic feedback, I've decided to continue on with this story. The bad
news is that after this instalment, I'm going to take a short break to try
and figure out exactly where the next arc of this story will go. You know,
think about how the relationship between Kevin and Alan works and how it
will develop. So, these two chapters are aimed at achieving a kind of
resolution that will also kinda set out how the story will move on from
here. As usual, feedback is always MUCH appreciated.

	Also, just wanted to give a shout out to some really good stories:
some of them included "Kevin and Justin" (can't wait for the next
posting... *hint hint*), "Forever"/"Equilibrium" (the last posting was
awesome!), and "Route 66 Rocks!" (don't let it end!)

Email : ajantis20@hotmail.com

PS DJ, there's a little bit more of Howie in this one. Satisfied? <grin>

Here goes...


Chapter 19


	I woke up to find myself staring at unfamiliar beige walls. Where
was I?  Turning to my side, I saw a stuffed polka-dotted cow. Dee. The
memories of the previous night came flooding back... the pain and heartache
was so intense that it felt like a blow to the gut, leaving me momentarily
winded and breathless.

	A door slammed. The sound of a truck pulling out of the driveway.

	I slowly dragged myself up and peeked into the deserted kitchen
room. There was a note on the kitchen counter.

"Alan,

	I had to leave for a meeting about the tour. Breakfast is in the
fridge.  Todd will be by to pick you up at 11 and show you around. See you
tonight.

									K"

	The curt, perfunctory note didn't help my dismal mood any. I wanted
to tear out my hair and beat at the walls in sheer frustration. What was
Kevin thinking? If he didn't feel anything for me, why was he still
engaging in this charade? What did the note mean? Why not just reject me
right off?  Instead, he'd left me alone to stew in my own juices till
tonight.

	An hour, a tasteless breakfast, and a hurried shower later, there
was a knock on the door. It was Todd, dressed in the kind of pressed, black
and white suit that one saw on faceless security guards and secret service
agents on TV. Which is why it seemed so incongruous that he was smiling
like a kid who'd just successfully sneaked something from the cookie jar.

	"Ready to go?"

	I glared at him suspiciously. At this point in time, a jovial,
"morning"-type person was the last thing I needed. "Sure, give me ten
minutes."

	"Okay, I'll be in the car." He smiled cheerfully and left.

	I quickly got dressed and got into the car. Todd attempted to
engage in merry banter, but my thoughts were too chaotic and jumbled to
really coherently respond, so he soon gave up and left me to stare
forlornly out the window.

	We reached the place where the tour equipment was stored and were
quickly swept into the whirlwind of activities. It turned out that Joe and
company were setting up the stage for a dry run and technical run
through. I was kept busy assimilating the overload of information as I
talked with Kristin, Joe and Josh about all the technical aspects and
logistics of the concert.  In a way, that was good, because it kept me from
dwelling too much on Kevin.

	All of a sudden, it was two in the afternoon, and Joe called for a
break.  Todd came in with meatball subs from the local Subways, but despite
the dismal breakfast, I had little appetite and listlessly picked at my
food.  Now that the frantic pace of rehearsal had abated, I found my
thoughts returning to Kevin. What had he been thinking last night? What
would he say tonight? My mind was literally caught in an ouroboros,
constantly turning Kevin's words from last night over and over in my
thoughts, but unable to make head or tails out of what he had said.

	Which is why I was glad that Todd decided to be his usual friendly
self and once again attempt to strike up a conversation.

	"So, you need anything else?"

	"Nah..." I smiled wanly. "Todd? How long have you been with the
Backstreet Boys?"

	"Shortly before they made it big in Germany. Since '95." He laughed
and wryly shook his head. "Seems like such a long time ago."

	"In showbiz terms, I guess six years is a long time ago. What were
they like then?"

	"Then?" Todd looked to the side, a distant look of recollection in
his hazel-brown eyes. "Much more... innocent, I guess. The whole thing with
Lou and having to deal with the media when they finally made it big in the
US really forced them to them grow up. Especially Howie and Kevin".

	"Howie? I thought he was the playful type?"

	"Yeah, I know the media always makes Kevin out to the big brother
of the group, but Howie was solid as a rock. He really got the guys through
some tough times, especially when Kevin couldn't handle the stress by
himself."

	"Care to elaborate?"

	Todd looked a little uncomfortable. "Well, I don't want to get into
too much detail, but the boys were constantly away from home touring in
Europe, and the public spotlight wasn't exactly kind to them when they
first started performing as a group. You should have seen how upset Nicky
and Brian were after some fans started putting up websites bashing their
girlfriends. There have also been intermittent rumors that one of the
Backstreet Boys is bi, but the Firm quickly steps in to quash that." A
short pause. "That's why the guys are so close to each other. They've had
to put up defenses to prevent themselves from getting hurt again. That
makes it very hard for them to open up to people right off the bat. It
takes a very long time for one of the guys to start trusting
someone. Especially Kevin."

	My curiosity was piqued. Maybe Todd could help me understand why
Kevin had acted the way he did last night. "Why Kevin?"

	"Kevin's a naturally shy and retiring person. He's only extroverted
when he's with close friends. That, and he sees himself as responsible for
the group, so he drives himself much, much harder than he does the rest of
the guys. Some times, he's so focused on his work that he doesn't notice
what's before his very own eyes. You know what I mean?"

	Joe called Todd over, who excused himself for a bit. Todd's
comments had thrown light on a part of Kevin that I had never really quite
glimpsed. It still didn't help me understand Kevin's actions from last
night, but it was certainly food for thought. I mulled over it for a bit
till a commotion from the other end of the room broke my flow of thoughts.

	The guys had arrived to familiarize themselves with the sets while
the tech crew was doing a dry run. I frowned. Kevin wasn't there. Was he
avoiding me?  Before I could ask AJ or Brian where he was, though, Josh
corralled and hustled the four remaining Boys to run through their moves on
stage.

	I sat meekly in the seats and waited for the full technical run
through to begin. Although Josh drove the guys pretty hard, he only made
them run through a couple of songs as a warm-up. It was pretty amusing,
though, the way he would admonish the guys by snapping his fingers at them,
and even funnier still, the way in which AJ and Nicky hung their heads in
shame while being chided by Josh.

	I looked around the stage. While not all the technical wizardry and
special effects were being utilized for this run-through, the whole effect
was still pretty amazing. Joe had shown me some of the crazier gizmos,
including a moving platform that would bring the guys right up to the
audience and some really rad lasers and pyrotechnics. I was tempted to
pinch myself to make sure this wasn't some demented, crazy dream that I was
in. The whole experience thus far, including the previous night with Kevin,
had been totally surreal.

	"Alan!"

	"AJ!"

	We high-fived and hugged. "How've you been?"

	"Not bad, man." He sat down and took off his sunglasses, revealing
a pair of very tired eyes. "Actually, I'm dead-exhausted. The tour was fun,
and we partied like no tomorrow, but shit, one day isn't enough to recover
from all that! And now we have to come in again. I'm just glad we don't
have to leave for another two weeks."

	I clasped his shoulder in sympathy. "I won't even pretend to
understand how exhausted you must be, but all I can say is, you've gotten
through rough patches like this before, and you'll get through this one
just the same."

	"Yeah, I guess I will."

	I gathered up my courage and asked the question that I'd been
brooding over for a while. "So, where's Kevin?"

	"Oh, he's been meeting up with the management, trying to hammer
down all the trip details. You know Kevin, he gets totally antsy unless
he's sure that everything's settled".

	AJ then turned to me and smiled wickedly. "So what's this I hear
about you calling my pad a monstrosity?"

	"Uh..." I backed away. "Now AJ, don't get mad. I was just totally
awed by your place, that's all".

	AJ's grin grew even broader and he cracked his knuckles. "I don't
know, that isn't how you described it to Nicky last night. The words
"tacky" and "obscenely gaudy" seem to come to mind."

	"Now, now, AJ, let's not jump to conclusions here."

	"Sorry, Alan, you're a friend and all, but no one insults my place
and gets away with it. I figure a noogie or two will even things out" AJ
looked like he was about to pounce, but salvation came from the unlikeliest
of places.

	Josh tapped AJ on the shoulder. "Hun, sorry to disturb your
playtime, but we should get rehearsing again. Those moves of yours on
"Shining Star" were really bad. Any guy could tell you were straight by the
way you danced on stage. So chop chop, I'll see on stage in two minutes".

	After Josh left, AJ groaned, "Josh has the worst timing in the
world. I'll get you later after this."

	It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. I couldn't
resist giving AJ a jibe as he left. "You should hurry, dear, can't keep
Josh darling waiting now, can we?" If looks could kill, AJ's glare at that
point would have left me decapitated, mangled and shish-kebabbed into a
thousand pieces.

	I settled down to watch the fun as Josh continued to whip the guys
into shape, but bolted upright when shortly thereafter, Kevin walked onto
stage and joined in. The sight of his face, so full of warmth the previous
night, now seemed impassive and detached. It almost seemed like Kevin had
slammed down an iron wall over the windows to his soul, and all that was
left behind was a cold, unfeeling exterior. My thoughts began to darken
again, and the cheerful mood brought about by AJ's banter evaporated and
fled. I scrutinized Kevin closely, hoping that somehow I could divine from
his expressions and gestures what he was thinking, what he was feeling
right now. Unsuccessful, I began to replay the events of the previous night
in my head, reliving the shame and anguish as I tried to find some way out
of my nightmarish predicament.

	"Hey, stranger. Penny for your thoughts?"

	Surprised, I looked up. Howie had taken the seat next to mine. Lost
in my thoughts, I hadn't noticed the end of rehearsal.

	"Oh, nothing. Just thinking about stuff."

	"Anything wrong? You look kinda down."

	I was a little surprised. I hadn't expected him to ask such a
fairly intimate question, since Howie was the one Backstreet Boy that I was
the least familiar and comfortable with.

	"No offense, Howie, but I'm not sure you would understand."

	"Try me. I might surprise you."

	I glanced over at Howie, who seemed genuinely concerned, and
decided to take a gamble. After all, how could things get any worse?

	"Do you ever believe in the idea of soulmates? That out there
somewhere is a person who's just right for you, who will make your life
complete?"

	"Yeah. If you put it that way, I guess."

	I smiled wryly, and the words came tumbling out. "Well, Howie,
that's the problem. I think I might have found mine, but I'm not sure if he
feels the same way. In fact, I'm thinking that right now, he might just
want to tear my guts out."

	Howie's eyes widened as he absorbed the implications of what I'd
just said.  Then he laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Alan, I won't
pry. It's up to you to tell me who that person is when you're ready. All I
can tell you is to have faith. If you truly believe that you've found your
soulmate, then you will end up with him, whoever that person is. Just give
it some time."  He looked pensive, as if he was considering what to say
next. "Sometimes, people build up personal defenses, you know? Makes it
harder for them to get hurt. You just have to trust your judgment and wait
for that person to open up and come to terms with what is already in his
heart."

	I glanced over, touched by the sincerity in his voice. "Thanks,
Howie".

	"Don't mention it." He glanced up and chuckled. Josh was gesturing
frantically from the stage. "Gotta go, Josh can get hysterical if we don't
stick to the schedule".

	The full technical run-through began. The rehearsal was grueling,
and pretty soon the guys were all drenched with sweat. Ordinarily, I would
have been more than happy to watch five gorgeous guys get physical and
sweaty on stage, but instead, I walled away my doubts, my fears, and my
guilt, and concentrated on doing my job, conferring with Joe, Kristin and
Josh whenever the run-through ran into problems. Being
professional. Analyzing. Watching.  Critiquing. Never feeling. I couldn't
afford to do so.

	A couple of hours later, the rehearsal finally ended. The guys
climbed off the stage, exhausted. Kevin glanced at me ever so briefly, and
I felt a shock as our eyes met. Those green eyes of his were hard and
brittle as agates, but something inscrutable and undecipherable flashed
across his face for that brief instant. He pointed to his watch and mouthed
the word "six".  I averted my eyes, unable to bear the lack of emotion in
his face. By the time I had looked up again, Kevin had left the room.

	I waved to the other guys, but politely declined their invitations
to go out to dinner. It was five, and I needed to collect my thoughts
before meeting Kevin. Walking out into the brisk summer air, I looked up at
the azure blue sky and let my thoughts drift as I wandered through the
streets.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Welcome to Starbucks. What would you like this evening?"

	"Give me a hot chocolate, please."

	"Here you are, sir. That'll be three ninety-five."

	I took the cup and held it by both hands in a futile attempt to
calm my suddenly trembling hands. The clock over the counter said six
ten. Would he even come?

	"Alan."

	I spun around. There he was.

	"Hey."

	"Shall we take a walk?" My fear eased a little. A little of the
warmth and feeling had returned to his voice. His face, however, was still
impassive, and betrayed no hint of his thoughts or emotions.

	"Sure."

	We strolled out into the darkening street. The setting sun painted
everything a dusky red, and the ever-lengthening shadows lent a dreamlike
quality to the landscape. I held the cup and slowly sipped, unsure of what
to say next.

	"Alan?"

	I kept quiet.

	"First of all, I just wanted to tell you that I've been a complete
idiot..."

	I froze and stopped breathing for an instant. What was Kevin
saying?

	"...because I've had a crush on you for the past three months."


Chapter 20


	We turned into a deserted park, and I took the chance to sit on a
bench to try and ingest some of what Kevin had just said.

	"I'm sorry, Alan. I've had feelings for you ever since we first
met."

	"Why didn't you tell me? Even better, why didn't you tell me last
night?", I gasped incredulously, mouth agape.

	"Because I was scared shitless. Breaking up with Kari took
everything I had. I wasn't ready to open my heart again... when you told me
last night, I just panicked and stalled for time. I needed to sort out my
feelings and figure out where I really stood. Where we really stood. Then I
saw you sitting there alone at rehearsal this afternoon and realized how
much of an idiot I'd been to try and deny my own feelings. I won't make any
excuses for the way I acted... and... and I'll understand if you're angry
or don't want to see me anymore."

	I rounded on Kevin, about to lash back with an angry retort, but
stopped short when I saw him. Kevin's eyes, cold and harsh only such a
short while ago, now betrayed a naked vulnerability. His shoulders were
hunched, and he was trembling, almost afraid. My anger melted away, and I
cupped his chin and turned it around to stare into his eyes. With as much
affection as I could muster, I replied, "You silly boy. Of course I'm
annoyed with you..."  His eyes flinched in pain. "...for even thinking that
I'd given up on you!", I grinned as I pinched his cheek.

	His expression was incredulous for a moment, then gave way to a
mixture of joy and relief. Affection flooded into his eyes and he broke
into a big smile. We hugged each other, rendered wordless by the sheer
intensity of what we were feeling.

	"Kevin?"

	"Yes?"

	"I'm really tired. It's been a fairly long and draining day". I
winked at him.

	"Alright. What say we pick up some Chinese take-out on the way,
then crash on the couch and watch HBO?"

	"Sure."

	"Let's go home, Alan."

	"That sounds good. Let's go home, Kevin."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	We sat on the couch, picking at the leftovers of the Kung Pao
chicken and curried beef.

	"Mmm... That was good." I smacked my lips in pleasure to emphasis
my point.

	Kevin laughed. "You eat like a pig! Didn't your mother ever teach
you table manners?"

	I whacked him playfully in response. "Hey, hey, hey,
Mr. Richardson. You weren't exactly all that graceful yourself when you
were wolfing down the beef."

	Kevin raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Alright, truce,
truce!  Let's see what's on TV, okay?"

	The opening sequences to "The Shawshank Redemption" came on. We
quickly cleared the dishes and settled on the couch to catch the
movie. Before long, I felt Kevin's warm hand covering mine and looked over
at him. His eyes were brimming over with affection, and he gave me a shy
smile in return.

	We sat that way for what seemed like ages, clasping hands and
reveling in the sheer joy of simple physical contact. Two emotionally
scarred guys, learning how to open up and trust again. A matched
pair. Soulmates?

	I slowly shifted my weight and leaned over into Kevin's
chest. There was a soft gasp, then I felt Kevin's arm slowly coil about my
shoulder and hold me close. A warm feeling of contentment slowly blossomed
in my chest, chasing the last dregs of anguish away. Feeling secure, I
snuggled closer against Kevin and laid a hand on his chest, luxuriating in
his solid, protective presence.

	We sat there in silence, holding one another. The movie ended and
Kevin turned the TV off.

	"I've been meaning to watch that movie for a while."

	"That's the first time I've seen it."

	"You've got to be kidding me, you've never seen Shawshank?"

	"Nope. Glad that I got to watch it with you though." I looked up to
see Kevin's eyes, which were brimming with affection.

	"And I'm glad you were here to watch it with me".

	He leaned forward. Our lips touched. The world faded around us as
we kissed. The feel of his lips against mine was electrifying. Slowly,
tentatively, our tongues touched and began exploring. I felt Kevin's hand
begin to slide down my back, and I moaned softly in pleasure as I caressed
his neck. Kevin shivered and began to reach under my shirt. Then he pulled
away.

	"Kevin, what's wrong?"

	"Nothing. In fact, everything's going too well. Alan..." He took my
hands in his and held them to his chest. "I really think we should take
this slow.  This is new for both of us, and what we have here...", he
caressed my cheek as he said gently, "is too good to ruin, you know? I
really want our first time to be special". Kevin then smiled impishly. "And
if we'd gone on any further, I don't think I could have stopped myself."

	With a great deal of effort, I nodded, albeit reluctantly. "You're
right, Kevin".

	"Call me Kev."

	I smiled. "I agree with you, Kev We should take this slow. But that
doesn't mean we can't cuddle, right?"

	Kevin grinned and held me close.

	"Or be physically playful?" I grinned as I tweaked his nipple.

	Kevin shuddered, then bonked me on the head. "That was naughty!
You're such a slut!"

	I gave him a defiant grin. "So? Whatcha gonna do about it?"

	One massive tickle fight later, we were collapsed on Kevin's bed,
and I was slowly caressing Kevin's chest as I lay on top of him.

	"So what other nicknames do the guys have for you?"

	"Well, there's "Mr.Body Beautiful", which you already know, and
then there's "Train"..."

	"Wait. How did that one come about?"

	"Well, it's kind of embarrassing."

	"Spill the beans, Mr.Richardson."

	"Okay. The first time we were performing in West Germany, I ended
up boarding the wrong train and got so totally lost that I ended up across
the border in East Germany. After that, anytime I got too worked up about
the other guys goofing off and became too harsh a disciplinarian, they
yelled "train" to remind me that even I goof up sometimes. After a while,
everyone just got used to calling me "Train"..."

	"Hee hee. That's a good one. Any others?"

	"Alright, my turn. What's the one thing you hate to eat the most?"

	"Broccoli."

	"No way."

	"I'm not kidding. Those things look leprous. NEVER, ever bring one
near me or I'll be forced to beat you silly."

	"Point taken. Note to self, never bring broccoli near Alan. Could
cause temper tantrums."

	I slapped his chest in pique. "You're silly."

	"Ow. You throw a mean slap." Kevin broke into a grin and nuzzled my
cheek.

	We lay there in silence for a while longer.

	"Kev?"

	"Yeah?"

	"So how does this work?"

	"You mean us?"

	"I mean us. On tour. In front of the entire guys. In front of
people like Todd. Like Kristin. And management."

	Kevin looked into my eyes, and whispered. "Al, let's just take
things one step at a time, okay? It took us long enough to find each
other."

	"Sorry. I guess I'm just the type of person who needs to plan
ahead, who needs to know how things are going to turn out four months down
the road. I don't commit myself easily, and it'd be nice to know that I'm
not putting time and energy into something that isn't going to last."

	Kevin squeezed me tightly in response. "Al, I know. I'm that way
too. And we will figure it out somehow, okay? What we have here is too
wonderful to throw away, no matter what stands in our way. I promise you
that it will last, and that we'll tell some of the guys soon, but right
now, I just want to enjoy the moment...Just trust me."

	"Okay." I lay on his chest, quietly drawing reassurance and
strength from his sturdy presence.

	"Kev? I think I should go to my room now."

	Kevin shifted from under me and sat up. "Why?"

	I got up and kissed him on the cheek. "Because a lot of things have
happened tonight. You. Me. Us. I think we need a little time apart tonight
to sleep and try to adjust to what's changed. I want to take it slow too,
and I want our first night sleeping together should be special. Besides, we
have a long day tomorrow, and if we slept in your bed tonight, I'm afraid
neither of us would be very awake tomorrow."

	Kevin reluctantly conceded the point. "Alright, but you have to
kiss me first." He grabbed my waist and we kissed passionately. I giggled
as he let me go. "What's so funny?"

	I tweaked his goatee. "I didn't quite realize how much facial hair
could get up your nose till I met you."

	He smacked me on the bottom with a pillow, which elicited a started
squawk from my end. "Get going, you tease. Don't make me throw you out."

	"Your wish is my command, oh mighty Kevin!" I grinned and was
rewarded with a smack on the face from the pillow before I hugged him one
more time. On the way out to the door, I turned around. "Kev?"

	"Yeah?"

	I took the chance to once more fix the image of his wonderful face
in my memory.

	"Good night, and thank you."

	"Thank you, and good night." The beauty of his smile engraved
itself on my heart.

	I stripped and collapsed on my bed. The whole day had definitely
been one roller-coaster experience. Kevin had re-awakened emotions in me
that I had discarded and left for dead five months ago. So many things
stood in our way, but it didn't matter. On the other side of the wall lay
someone whom I cared a great deal about, and who cared very much about
me. I felt a sense of completeness, as if someone had found the other piece
of my soul. For the first time in months, I drifted off to sleep without
the fear that HE would appear in my nightmares.

	That night, I dreamed of Kevin instead.


To be continued.

Well, that's it! The end of one story arc. I'm taking a week to plot out
the next arc, which will take place during the tour itself. Let me know
what you think!

Ajantis