Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 20:43:23 GMT From: Purple Raven <purpleraven81@hotmail.com> Subject: If you knew 10 Hi all.. sorry that it took so long.. Raven.. If you knew Ten Raven Well the usual disclaimers all apply here... so apply them..... This fiction. That means IT IS NOT REAL... Notes... Will not be as drawn out.. or pushed like last time... I will try to fix the feel of it... ****************8 AJ stopped in the hall of Howie's house, he was alone and missing Brian, he wanted to hold him at night but he couldn't. Howie watched as his friend dealt with the pain and realized he couldn't help. "I can do this, I can not hurt him." AJ said out of the blue. "AJ he knows that." "I know, I really do, but I want to hit things when I see how sad he is, how withdrawn he is." "So tell him that, let him help you get over it." "I will when I can deal with the pain that's going to cross his face." "AJ you need to sleep." "You need to too." "I will." Howie replied as he turned to his room, "are you coming?" "No, I'm going to sit outside for a while." "Are you sure?" 'Yeah go to sleep." AJ motioned him away. Justin sat beside the love of his young life, she was the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen, and he couldn't have her, she was the girl of one of his best friends. "Justin can I tell you something?" "Sure what?" "He doesn't respond to me, he shies away from me." '"How?" "When I go to kiss him, he doesn't respond." 'Chris would never do that, he loves you." "I don't think he does anymore." "Dani, of course he does, he always has, he fought Lou to keep you." "I know, Justin we spend more time with each other than Chris and I do anymore." "That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you." "Are you sure, he seems to avoid me, especially when JC is around." "Dani you can't think that he has a thing for JC, come on he's straight, straighter than me." "I just have this feeling." Dani replied as she climbed to her feet; needing to move around, find some balance in her self. "Justin if I'm right I don't think that I could run FuMan anymore." "You are wrong. Ask him." "I can't." Dani replied her voice quivering as she turned to look at him, he was such a wonderful friend, but she knew that it wasn't fair to dump this on him. "I'm sorry Justin." "For?" "Dumping this on you, you are friends, and I shouldn't involve you." 'Dani I'm your friend as well, Chris would understand." "I hope so, I don't think that I could get through this with out you." "Dani that means a lot to me, I hope that you know that you can always rely on me." Justin stood and pulled her into his arms, letting her find comfort from him. Chris watched them from the window, he hoped that she would find a man that would treat her right, and he knew that Justin would. She deserved someone like him. Chris knew in his heart that he was bi, and that he needed to find that part of himself before he would be completely happy, he only hoped that she would understand, and that she would have a friend like Justin to get her through it, that pain that he was going to cause her. He did love her, but it wasn't enough anymore. He walked to his car, and drove to JC's he needed to see the object of his affection. JC sat alone in his house; he knew that he was going to be a father, Howie was sure of it, it scared him that he had screwed up his life so much, and that he was well the reason for Howie losing the love of his life. It hurt even more that he wasn't going to be the one to replace him. He was startled by the door bell, yet he knew that he had to answer it, Justin was coming by tonight after he finished visiting his friend, he was being secretive so much that JC needed to know, he was afraid that he was going to make the same mistake that he made. "Chris?" 'Hey, did I come at a bad time?" 'No, come in." JC stepped back letting him into his house. He wasn't sure why Chris was there, they were never really that close so it was a surprise that he would visit. "JC can I tell you something?" 'Sure," JC motioned for him to sit and talk. Chris couldn't the extra energy in his system was not helping matters but he knew that he needed the extra boost to tell him what was in his heart. "Chris are you okay?" "Yeah why?" 'You seem a little jumpy, more so than usual." "Do I? Sorry.' He shrugged, "JC I love you." "What?" 'I LOVE YOU." Chris replied before he launched himself at JC kissing him like no tomorrow. JC pushed him off. "What the hell are you thinking you love Dani." "No I love you." 'Chris you are obviously drunk if you think that you love me, you are not Bi, you like girls." 'So does that mean that I can't love you?" 'Yes." 'Why?" 'Chris..." 'JC I love that you sleep all the time, I love that you write little poems in your head." Chris tried to get through to him. "No Chris you love Dani." JC stood and paced around the room. "You don't find me attractive do you?" Chris asked. JC stopped and stared at him, he looked scared, even when all the shit with Lou was going on he never looked scared. "Chris you are sick, I will not answer that." 'Why?" 'Chris come on you are the straightest one of us, Dani and you have been together from the beginning." 'So that means that I can't fall for an attractive person who sings with a voice that sends the female and the male population into orbit?' 'Yes if that person is a guy." 'JC look at me, look at my eyes you know me well enough to know that I am telling you the truth." "I don't think that I do anymore." JC walked away, leaving him there alone. "No you don't, you are not walking away from me, we are not done." "Chris yes we are." "NO we aren't." Chris yelled back, he as fuming, and well aroused. He wanted to kiss him and lick him all over. Instead of thinking he acted a concept that was almost par for the course with him. He pulled JC around and grabbed his hand, placing it against him. "You do this to me." He whispered before he reached up and pulled his head down for a lip crushing kiss; JC pushed him away he was still shocked that Chris would do that, make him touch him in that intimate way. "Chris why?" "I love you." Chris whispered as he realized he may have ruined any chance with the love of the rest of his life. 'Chris leave." JC pointed to the door. "Where should I go?" 'Home to Dani, tell her that you love her, and that you will always love her." 'I don't thought at least not that way." "GO!" Chris walked away, his heart on the verge of shattering. "I do love you." He whispered as he closed the door behind him. JC sank to the floor as he heard the door close, his life just got more complicated, and all he wanted to do was disappear. He couldn't though he had to go on tour and that meant seeing both Howie and Chris everyday. **************88 Nick watched as Kevin slept cuddled to the pillow, snuggling to his scent, it was strange usually he was the one to sleep late and here was the responsible one sleeping late. "Kev." He shook him. "Go away, sleeping." He mumbled, the light striking his eyes brought him fully awake. "You will die, slowly." "We have an hour to pack and hit the studio, we are leaving for the cabin remember?" 'No." 'It was Jive's idea they wanted us to live in a small space to see how we would handle it, they told us at the meeting in May." "That was four months ago, we can't go, AJ and Brian are fighting and well I still wouldn't put it past Howie to kill JC." "We have to we all agreed. In fact Brian and AJ are ready to go, they are all packed Bri is picking us up in fifty minutes." "Chandra okayed this?" 'Yeah she did AJ called this morning after my run." 'You run?" "I have to loss the weight some how." 'You are not over weight." "Kev, lets not argue I promise to listen to you if you think I am over doing it." "Sounds good. Shower with me?" 'Not enough time." "Please I've been a good boy." "That's my line." Nick chuckled pulling back the covers and helping him out of bed, "go" he pushed him to the shower. They arrived in one piece a feat that is amazing as they took two extra cars. "You have two weeks to deal with what ever problems there are and then you are on the road." Stacey the tour manager said as she left them that day, alone taking their keys with them. "We are alone for the next two weeks, so people find your rooms and let's get settled." Kevin yelled above the chatter. "Oh he's so controlled." Justin laughed, "Not in bed." Nick whispered getting looks from Joey and Lance as they over heard him. " I really didn't need the image of Kevin as a bottom." Lance nudged Nick, causing him to laugh catching Kevin's attention. "Problems honey?" "Nope just thought of something funny." Nick replied counting the beams of the roof. "Oh well then you will have to tell me latter," Kevin replied as he threw his lover his bag, and pointed in the direction of their room. Nick smiled and led the way he just might get lucky. AJ looked at Brian and wished that he could go and ask him to be his roomie, but he wasn't ready for that. Howie watched them stare at each other across the room each afraid to take that next step, "You have a roomie?" JC's voice broke into his thoughts. "Yeah AJ." 'Why?" "Things are not going well, they are taking a break at least from living with each other." 'Joey and Lance did the same I lived with Joey for a while he was scared that he was going to make Lance not love him like.." 'I believed I did with Michael." Joey said as he joined them. "I'll talk to Brian if you want?" "You would?" 'Yeah I would, I want them to be happy and I still feel bad about freaking him out like that." 'He needs it, Kevin has Nicky and we have never been that close." Howie replied as AJ walked up, " I miss him." "Tell him and then hug him and let him hold you." Joey replied, AJ looked up and smiled he liked that idea. He walked across the room and wrapped his arms around Brian, startling him. "No let go I'll behave." He began to babble, AJ jumped as though he had been shot, and ran, he had to get away. Lance saw the whole thing and ran after him, while Joey walked over to the now huddled Brian. "Bri?" He announced his presence, kneeling before him, "Wanna talk?" 'I hurt him." He mumbled, "I never meant for him to get mad, I never meant to make him mad, I was a good boy." Joey sat beside him and let him babble, this was worse than he had ever imagined. It was all his fault, he wanted to apologize to both of them and yet he was afraid to say anything. "Joey I love him, I do." Brian whispered as though he was sharing a confidence. "I know, I'm sorry." "Why?" 'I told him to come over and hug you.' Joey replied looking at the floor anywhere other than at Brian. "You didn't know how I'd react, it's not your fault." Brian replied he wasn't mad just upset that he had hurt his love. "Tell him the truth Brian the whole truth." 'I did." 'No you haven't I didn't want to tell Lance the whole truth either but when I did I felt so much better, I was happier and felt save for once." "Really?" 'Yeah," 'How long did it take for you to tell him?" 'About five months, I was so scared that he would leave me, and I couldn't bear that, I love him to much." 'I love Alex so much that I almost forget what Tony did to me, then I remember and I hurt him because I can't tell him, I'm ashamed that I let him hurt me, that I didn't stand up for myself. Does that make sense?' 'Yeah I felt the same way, there are still days when I feel like that." "What do you do?" " Talk to Lance and let him try to help me." "Try?' 'He doesn't always have the answers, but he hold me and lets me scream and talk until I figure it out." 'Oh, I don't think that we are there yet." "Why/" 'He is so mad and angry that I'm scared that he will do something that is so like Tony and then I'll see him in his eyes." 'Have you told anyone?" 'No I can't tell Chandra because she would tell me that he has a right to know so that he can help me." 'He does have the right to try to help you, but you have to let him in, you have to make the decision to let him.' Joey replied, "You let Lance help you." 'Only after he fought for me, against myself, I lost it and he saved me, forced me to feel again." 'So you know what I am going through." "For the most part." "Joey let's go find Alex." Brian said, his voice tired and yet forceful. "Kay." Joey agreed, he only hoped that AJ wasn't to upset to be seen, that wouldn't help Brian. Lance found him down in the meadow, a half-mile away from the cabin, he was alone and hitting the air around him, he was mad, and yet he was calm. "AJ?" 'What?" he shot back, the anger in his voice barely contained. "Wanna talk?" 'About?' "Why you are so mad?" 'I can't even touch him, I touch him and it all comes back. I want to hurt him so bad I can taste it." AJ exclaimed his anger burning in his throat. "You can, you can tell him ask him why he did it." 'It's not what Brian wants." 'You need to though and he needs to know that you need the confrontation." AJ looked at Lance and smiled, he had found someone who got it, someone who had to deal with the past of his lover before they could go on. "I never got the chance and I still fought, I kept him with me so can you." Lance finished. AJ smiled, "thanks.. I needed that, some who has gone through it." Lance nodded, "Talk to me anytime... Who knows maybe Joey can help Brian." 'Is he with Brian?" 'Yeah he stayed to listen, he does that really well. Almost to well." "He laughs more." 'I know, he's more alive and I love it, I know that I have him back that we all do." Lance smiled to himself. "I think that I need to talk to Brian." "Lets go find them." Lance replied, hoping that they would meet them half way. Brian stared at AJ as he walked towards him, he was still hurt but not mad, that made him feel a little better. "Brian.. I'm sorry." "No don't I reacted badly." "I scared you, I should warn you when I come up behind you." AJ replied. "Alex you didn't mean to." "I still scared you though." "Okay we hurt each other, I'm sorry that this is taking so long." 'Don't apologize for that." "I won't" 'Brian sorry I shouldn't tell you what to do." "Alex you do it because you love me not because you want to control me." Brian said, as he realized the difference between them, why Alex had always made him feel safer than he had ever felt before. "Can you hug me?" Brian asked, stepping forward slightly, he wanted to be held. AJ opened his arms and pulled him close savoring the feel of him next to his heart. Joey and Lance left the two of them alone and wandered back to the house they needed to be alone with each other, just to be them. Kevin unpacked his bag, watching as Nick dumped his clothes all over the bed, picking up a pile and throwing it in a drawer. He chuckled as he realized his lover was still the same person he was when they met those years ago. 'What's so funny?" 'You still unpack the way that you did at twelve." 'So you still unpack like a old man." 'Old man, so that makes you jail bait." Kevin replied, "Kev?" 'What?" 'You called me jail bait," "Nick I was joking, I swear, I love you." 'I know but if anyone was to find out they would see me as jail bait." "Does it bother you?" 'Not really as I seduced you." Nick winked at him, laughing as Kevin winced; he wasn't prepared for Kevin to tackle him. The end for know... Raven... Purpleraven81@hotmail.com.