Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 14:46:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: Shannon S <bluewritergrl@yahoo.com>
Subject: Insomnia Chapter 3
Disclaimer: Anything mentioned in this story is complete fiction. The
sexuality of anyone in the story is not necessarily true, but just written
to entertain. If you are underage or if it is illegal to read pornographic
material where you live, please leave now. Also, if you are uncomfortable
with gay relationships, you should not read any further. For everyone else,
enjoy the show...
Chapter 3
Surprisingly enough, as soon as I got off the phone with Anna all
thoughts of Michael drifted to the back of mind. I wished they would
disappear for good, but then that must be where that old cliche comes in;
we don't always get what we wish for. Honestly just thinking of meeting up
with Joshua again later that night made me a little loopy. Not only was he
starting to erase the painful memory of an ex-lover but I was literally
acting like a school girl on prom night. That may not be exactly how you
would like to perceive me, but as I told you in the beginning I am going to
be one hundred percent honest with you, even if it means looking like an
idiot in your eyes for a moment or two.
With that said, back to the story.
I think in all of my life I've never had so much trouble picking
out something to wear. I stood in front of my duffel bag letting my fingers
slide over the one pair of ripped paint splattered jeans that I had thrown
in hastily trying not to miss my later delayed flight. They were almost
identical to the ones I was already wearing, except for a few more splashes
of red oil based paint, so it wouldn't really change my look much. The few
t-shirts I had tossed into the mix weren't helping the situation out
either. If you haven't already noticed I'm not really a fashion connoisseur
of any kind.
I had never been to a concert in my life, let alone been the
personal guest of one of the performers. I was at a loss to say the least.
After pondering clothing for quite some time, three to five
minutes; yes that's long for me. I decided to go with what I already had
on. If he had a problem with the way I dressed it probably wasn't going to
work out anyway.
As the hours crawled by I milled around my hotel room trying to
concentrate on anything but the growing anticipation in the pit of my
stomach. It wasn't butterflies per say, it felt more like a torrent of bats
running into each other in the dark enclave tearing and ripping at each
other's flesh while I paced back and forth.
I tried to sketch, tried being the operative word. My mind was a
buzz of thoughts and small scenes being played out. What was the night
supposed to mean anyway? Was it really a date, obviously not in the
traditional sense, but would it end like one? I hadn't been on one for so
long that I really was unsure what to do. It was probably like riding the
proverbial bicycle, but one was never quite sure.
The hour to leave was approaching so I decided to take a book down
to the lobby and wait for my ride. I felt strange sitting there in the
large sparkling room. The white and gray marbled floors echoed loudly under
the constant stream of young women in stiletto heels that filed in with
their fathers, or lovers it was hard to tell at times. But I guess that is
Beverly Hills, or so I'm told.
I continued to pseudo interpret my novel, which I'm not certain I
ever actually read a word of in my life or even remember the title or
premise that had made my eyes go wide with wonder and awe when I first
picked it up. Isn't it strange how something can catch your attention and
make you love it but only for a few moments before you forget you ever saw
or heard of it? I guess that is the moral of this letter in a round about
way. Please cherish things and people, to your best ability. You'll never
know when you'll make that subconscious decision to push them out of your
life forever.
At some point I finally did discard the book, as I did a lot of
things in the next few months.
I could feel my heart start to pound faster as a man in a neatly
pressed, most likely ridiculously expensive suit, made his way over to me.
"Josiah?" he asked with a much deeper voice then I had expected.
"Yes," I said standing. I guessed that was it, no turning back. I
was stepping into the unknown once again. Of course now that I look back on
it, starting out in a new country and getting into a limo for a concert
weren't even close in comparison, but you tend to overreact when you're
hyperventilating.
Whenever I was in a limo, which I could actually count the times on
one hand, it always reminded me of the first time. It was truly a magical
experience. Not only was I with the most beautiful man I had ever seen in
my life but I was also in this huge car. There were so many strange things
to explore. There was a television; I had never seen a television in a car
before. And a bar, I had my first taste of alcohol right there in that
limo. That was definitely a night of firsts though. My first kiss with a
man and the first time I ever...well you get the idea. Limos always bring
me back to a place I'll never want to forget, no matter how horrible the
next year or so was. That was my one perfect night on the town. It was the
feeling, not the company that I longed for and I was grateful for that.
The drive was short, to short for my liking but I stepped out of my
carriage and was greeted by the smiling face of the driver, whose name
alludes me at the moment, and a small two story building. The outside was
dirty and dusty, I immediately recognized this to be an area I should be
most comfortable. Every city has an art district with old antique
buildings, theatres, and music halls; apparently Los Angeles was no
different.
I walked towards the entrance to the small theatre passing a few
people standing out front laughing as wisps of smoke swirled around them.
There were no long lines or huge crowds. It was a relaxed and
calming atmosphere, something I had no idea existed in the music world of
the new millennium.
I made my way to a small woman sitting in an old movie theatre
ticket booth. It was beautifully painted a shining gold metallic, its
ornate carvings all standing out proudly to be admired. She smiled warmly
at me probably expecting me to hand her my ticket.
"My name is Josiah. I think I'm supposed to be on some list?" I
asked, hoping I was giving the correct information.
She ran her bright red finger nail along a piece of paper and then
smiled back up at me.
"There you are," she said tapping the paper for me to see. "Give
this to the man at the door and wear this around your neck to get
backstage."
She passed a ticket stub and a laminated black card attached to a
lanyard through the arch in the bottom of the glass.
"Have a wonderful time," she said as I gathered up my passes.
"Thank you," I smiled.
As I walked into the building I placed the black and red pass
around my neck and tossed my long hair back to free it from the cord. When
I looked up I was greeted by the smiling faces of every musician you could
imagine. The lobby walls were adorned with hundreds of photos ranging from
Frank Sinatra to the Beatles to Nine Inch Nails. They were all taken on the
same stage, which had not changed at all through the decades. The only
thing that progressed was the people, with a range of hip and trendy
hairstyles for their time and clothes to match. I stood there mesmerized by
the smiling faces shown under scribbled autographs. Was Joshua really in
this league? I had never thought for a moment that he was a serious
musician. I mean he was in a boy band for some time. Suddenly I realized
how silly I was being. Who was I to judge him or his music?
I shook off my holier then thou attitude and moved farther into the
building, ready to explore what lay inside. After seeing the great people
who had played there before I was actually interested in Joshua's music. I
have to admit, at first glance, I thought he was just a pretty face. I was
hoping he would prove me wrong.
The main room, which was two stories and shaped like a dome, was
just as historic and beautiful as the rest of the building. There was
standing room only on the large polished dance floor on the bottom floor
and at the top there was reserved balcony seating complete with small cafe
style tables and chairs. This room was also decorated with photographs of
years passed but all of these were shots of bands and solo artists
performing.
There was a pretty big group of people on the main floor, already
squeezed close to the stage to get as close as possible to the action. I
chose to make my way upstairs and, with a few flashes of my all access
pass, got a seat on the side right above the stage.
I looked down anticipating the main event as the opening act
finished up. Everyone clapped and screamed loudly probably more excited
about what was to come then what they had just heard.
The lights dimmed as the band made their way onto the stage. From
my vantage point I could see Joshua standing right behind the big red
velvet curtain, most likely waiting for his cue. Even from a distance and
in the lack of light he looked gorgeous. He glanced up in my general
direction and then back at the stage. I wondered if he had seen me but was
just trying to keep his focus for the task at hand. I had no idea exactly
what was going to happen and how much concentration he would need for it. I
definitely didn't want to distract him but I couldn't keep my eyes off of
his toned silhouette.
The lights on the stage brightened as the band started to play and
Joshua hopped out from behind the curtain singing to the music. His eyes
drifted back up to the balcony as he crossed the stage towards me. Our eyes
met and I couldn't help but smile. My heart felt like it was going to flip
in my chest. He smiled back at me and winked as he turned his attention
back to the writhing crowd in front of him.
There was something about the way he moved and gyrated back and
forth across the stage that made me want him so bad. It wasn't purely a
sexual feeling, although there was a lot of that racing through my veins at
the time. I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to hold him and kiss him
and love him forever; make him feel safer and more loved then he has ever
felt in his entire life. Honestly, I wanted him to do the same to me. As I
spent more time watching him it was less about having a possible one night
stand and more about having a possible relationship. I never thought I
could feel that way again. But there I was sitting in a dark ancient
theatre in the middle of Los Angeles and I was falling in love with a man I
had just met the night before.
When that realization hit me I didn't know what to do. I wanted to
cry, jump for joy, and run down there and kiss him all at the same time. It
took all of my effort to keep myself planted in my seat. I had to keep
telling myself to keep a clear head. I knew it wasn't going to do any good,
but I needed my brain to take control of my heart for a little while so I
wouldn't get hurt again. I couldn't deal with that. Not that soon.
I studied every one of Joshua's movements as he talked animatedly
to the crowd between songs. His words were so soft and light compared to
his singing voice which was more powerful than I thought anyone's voice
could be. His ballads were filled with so much love and heartache at the
same time, which made me long to hear more of them. I wanted him to sing me
to sleep every night.
The lights on the stage went out again. I missed his last words
while I was day dreaming about lazy Sunday mornings lying in bed with his
lips whispering soft songs into my ear.
The performance had gone as quickly as it had come. It felt like I
had been watching him for only a few moments when he was suddenly snatched
away from me.
As the house lights went on and the concert goers began to slowly
file out of the venue, I wondered what my next move should be. As I
pondered the question there was suddenly pressure on my shoulder which
startled me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see Joshua clad in a
baseball cap pulled low over his eyes, but still wearing his performance
clothes, standing by my side.
He smiled down at me, "Come backstage with me?"
I nodded and followed his lead down the stairs.
"How did you like the show?" he asked as we brushed passed the
stage crew and a few guys I recognized as members of the band.
"It was wonderful," I said not able to contain my enjoyment. I just
couldn't stop smiling.
He glanced up at me, squinting slightly like he usually did and
then smiled as well. "Glad you enjoyed it."
"You have a beautiful voice," I said letting it slip from my lips
before I could stop the gushing.
"Thank you," he said quietly, this time without meeting my eyes as
we turned down a hallway. He opened a door with his name printed in neat
letters and let me pass him.
I walked into the small room and was surprised that it looked
exactly like the dressing rooms on television. There was a large vanity set
up to one side with large light bulbs surrounding the mirror. He even had a
few vases filled with red roses scattered around the room to finish off the
effect. I sat down on the soft blue couch against the wall as he took a
seat across from me in one of the arm chairs.
"What did you want to do tonight?" he asked taking off his hat and
running his fingers through his thick hair. "Are you hungry?"
"Yeah I haven't eaten since breakfast."
"Really? Me neither. Where did you want to go?"
"You can pick. I don't know the area very well."
"Actually I'm pretty beat. After performing I never want to be
around people."
"Oh," I said wondering why he would invite me out if he didn't want
to do anything.
"Why don't we go back to the hotel and just order room service or
something? Maybe watch a movie?" he asked hopefully.
"Sounds perfect," I said finally leaning back into the sofa. I had
been so nervous and kind of tense when we were first in the room alone
together. Now I was more relaxed but just being in his presence was making
me want to be closer to him.
"We can go now," he said standing. "I'll shower at the hotel."
Just the thought of him taking a nice hot steamy shower was enough
to get me moving. As the limo driver took us back to our home away from
home I looked at him closely. He had been talking about anything and
everything but the concert since we left his dressing room. Actually I
didn't even recall saying two words. All I could think about was how great
his performance had been. I had so many questions and so many comments
about it but there was nowhere in the conversation to segway into anything
I wanted to say so I just let him talk.
I could tell he was fairly comfortable with me by the way he
laughed. But like me it still took his body a little while to relax. The
limo came to a stop at a red light as he finished with his explanation of
why his hotel room was going to be so messy. His muscles loosened up as he
leaned back against the cool leather seat.
I was still looking at him intently, thoughts spinning through my
head like usual. He glanced up at me, silence clinging to the inside of the
large car. Ours eyes locked, which wasn't but so hard since we were sitting
fairly close to each other even though there was ample room. My eyes slid
down to his full pink lips. They shined in the gentle glow of the lights
surrounding us over head. I could almost feel heat radiating off of them as
our faces got closer. I closed my eyes, praying I still knew what I was
doing, when the side door opened. We both jerked away from each other as
the street lights splashed over us.
Joshua quickly exited the limo, gave the driver a tip and a thank
you, and headed towards the lobby doors. I followed him, wondering if we
would ever get back the moment we had just lost. He opened the door, again
letting me pass first, and we made our way through the lobby.
As we walked the winding rose adorned pathway to his room I took in
a deep breath of crisp night air.
He looked at me, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I said smiling down at him. "Just breathing."
He laughed as he unlocked his door, "That's good to hear."
"Do you have anymore shows in Los Angeles?" I asked as we entered.
"No that was my last one," he said flipping on a few lights and
then taking a seat next to me on the couch. "Why?"
"I was just wondering. Where are you going next?"
"Back home. This was just sort of a one time thing. I guess my real
tour will be starting sometime next summer."
"I'd like to see one of your other shows sometime. I really enjoyed
this one."
"Really?" he asked tilting his head to the side as he looked deep
into my eyes.
"Yes of course, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."
"I was really scared," he said quietly.
"Of what?"
He shrugged, "What if no one had liked me by myself?"
"But they did," I said placing my hand over his. "They loved you."
"Thank you," he said squeezing it. "I'm glad you were there. It
really helped."
"Did it?" I asked laughing.
"Yeah, whenever I felt nervous I looked up at you. Just having you
there made me feel more comfortable. I almost felt like I didn't care what
other people thought, as long as you were having a good time."
"Well I had a great time. And everyone else did too. I couldn't
even tell you were nervous. You looked like you belonged up there and you
sounded like it too. When I told you earlier that you have a beautiful
voice I wasn't just being nice."
"I wasn't sure."
"I meant it. I think you have a great solo career ahead of you."
"Thanks," he said squeezing my hand again. "You have no idea what
that means to me to hear you say that. I was actually trying to avoid the
whole talking about the show thing, if you didn't notice."
"Why?"
"I just...I don't know, I guess I think a lot of your opinion. That
might sound weird since we've only known each other like a day but I was
scared you would just be polite but secretly hate it."
"You're crazy," I said simply.
He laughed, "Yeah I am about this. I mean, singing is my life. It's
all I've really known and this just feels like such a big leap to me. I
just wanted you to like it."
"Well I loved it."
"Good because if you didn't I'd have to kill you," he said winking
at me. "Now that all of that is taken care of, what are we having for
dinner? I'm starved."
"Your choice."
"I'm not even sure what you like. Hamburgers?"
"I'm a vegetarian," I said almost apologetically for some
reason. I've always had a hard time shooting down one of Joshua's
suggestions.
"That doesn't sound like a good fit then. How long?"
"How long for what?" I asked shaking away the thoughts that flew
into my mind as I stared at the curve of his lower back as he reached for
the room service menu.
"Being a vegetarian," he said flipping through it slowly.
"Oh," I said thinking a second, "about sixteen years I guess."
"Really?" he asked looking up from the red velvet covered
menu. "How old are you?"
"Twenty six. You?"
"Twenty four. You haven't eaten meat since you were ten?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"My mom. She was a huge activist of every kind so it just sort of
came with the territory."
As you may have already guessed I wasn't exactly telling him the
whole story, which hopefully by the time you read this letter I would have
had the nerve to fill you in on. But, it isn't really the type of story you
just blurt out on a whim. I figured it would just take time to be able to
tell him something that personal, it always did.
"I think you should pick then," he said handing me the menu. "I'll
eat whatever you order."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," he said standing. "I'm going to go take a quick shower and
change."
"Okay," I said, secretly wondering if he needed any company.
While he was gone I did less looking at the menu and more going
through the living room and looking at the many framed pictures he had
scattered around. They were all pictures of the same few people; an older
couple whom I assumed were his parents, a picture of a few guys standing
around a pool table looking as though they were having a pretty good time,
and a few of a younger boy and girl probably about four or five. All of the
pictures of the guys were very casual candid shots that, to me seemed very
artistically done in their black and white formats. I picked up one and
studied the small faces staring back at me with laughter plastered on them
like masks.
It was a little odd to me seeing something like that. I never had
many friends. Okay truthfully Ahnna has been my only friend since I could
remember. I never really understood the camaraderie men could share with
each other in a non-sexual manner. It was the most foreign thing in the
world to me but I had never felt like I had been missing anything at
all. Not until that one picture. It encompassed everything I had missed out
on in my childhood. I wanted to have that tight knit bond that I saw there
in their one dimensional world.
I was startled out of my thoughts by a hand on my arm, making me
almost drop the golden framed photograph.
"You sure do have a way of sneaking up on me," I said turning to
face Joshua.
"Sorry," he said lowering his eyes to my hands that were still
grasping the picture.
My own eyes lowered to his shirtless form standing right in front
of me. His body was slight but well toned and looked rock hard. My mouth
opened slightly as my green eyes ticked down his smooth chest to his
rippled stomach. The jeans he was wearing clung to his lower body, showing
off all of the right places. I guessed I had inadvertently wandered into
the bedroom while I looked at the framed pieces of his soul.
"I was just looking around," I said handing the photo to him.
"No problem." The tone was different in his voice, softer almost,
as he sat the picture on the dresser behind him.
He looked up at me as he pushed off of the dresser, causing us to
become even closer.
My fingertips burned, I wanted to touch him so bad. I figured I
didn't have much to lose, considering the fact there was a chance we'd
probably never see each other again so I leaned down and pressed my lips
against his.
It was a soft sensual kiss, our lips sucking, our tongues melding
together. My hands finally got to rest themselves on the beautiful man
standing in front of me. I ran my fingers through his thick dark brown
hair, pulling his lips closer to mine. I wanted to taste as much of him in
my mouth as was humanly possible. His lips were so sweet I thought I would
never get enough of him.
The way his hands slowly ran up and down my back made me feel like
I could stay in his embrace forever. It was such a calming gesture when
everything else that was going on was so overwhelming.
I kissed him one last time before finally releasing his lips from
their capture.
"I came to get a shirt," he said quietly, still tight in my
embrace.
"What?" I asked, my brain unable to comprehend anything other than
the fact that he smelled so delicious.
"That's why I came out here, to get a shirt."
"Oh," I said my grip around him loosening.
"Screw it," he said kissing me. It was more eager this time. His
hands grasped my face, pulling me into him, as he led me backward.
I felt something soft hit the back of legs and we both tumbled down
to the bed. Every touch and every kiss that night was electric. I hadn't
felt that way in years. I had forgotten it could feel like that. His body
was so hot against mine, making me feel like I would burst into flames at
any moment. The funny thing was that I really could have cared less if I
had. What a way to go.
It felt like we laid there for hours making love and after looking
at the clock I hadn't been to far off in my assumption.
"You could literally go all night couldn't you," he whispered in my
ear as he took it between his teeth.
"I would try with you," I smiled.
He laughed as he rested his head on my chest. "I'm still hungry,"
he said.
"I never ordered dinner."
"I gathered as much," he said fingers up and down my chest.
"What do you propose we do?"
"A late night snack?" he asked, aqua marine eyes sparkling in the
moon light.
"I thought I already had one," I said kissing him.
"You're hilarious." He kissed me back and then reached over my body
for the phone. "What are you in the mood for?" he asked as he dialed *1 for
room service.
"You," I said kissing and sucking on his neck.
He giggled, "Be serious for one second. What about a fruit and
cheese platter?"
"Sounds delicious," I said more concerned with how soft his back
felt against my wandering hands then the fact that I didn't eat cheese.
After he ordered, with a few interruptions from me, we continued
kissing until there was a knock at the door. I couldn't remember the last
time I made out with someone for thirty minutes straight. Kissing was
definitely becoming one of my favorite things with Joshua.
As we ate, still lying in bed together feeding each other small
pieces of food, I felt more relaxed then I had in a really long time. Oddly
enough I wasn't worried about what was to come, though. It didn't even
cross my mind that this particular encounter could be the start or the
finish of something really meaningful. I didn't think about whether he was
already involved with someone back home, or if I would ever get to meet
those two older people from the photo I assumed were his parents. I was
actually living in the present. I hadn't done that since I had first
arrived in New York, many years before. I had no regrets or second
thoughts. I slept like a baby that night.
*~*~*
I woke up slowly, basking in the feeling of warmth encircling my
body. When my eyes opened all of the memories of the night before came
flooding through my mind and I smiled. I looked down at the warm body
laying on my chest, his eyes closed, his face so peaceful. Waking up with
someone special in your arms is truly the only way to start your day.
I glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand and was surprised
to see that I had slept peacefully throughout the night. This whole
scenario was something I felt like I could get used to very quickly.
I reached for the phone, trying to move as little as possible. I
didn't want to disturb the gorgeous man nuzzled in my chest but I had to
check my messages. I had the feeling Ahnna was really worried about me, or
at the most extremely curious about where I was all night; either of which
could be detrimental when it came to her.
As I suspected there were four messages from her outlining my
thoughts exactly. I went through the first three smiling; she had such a
way with words sometimes. The fourth I figured would be like the rest and I
almost didn't bother listening to it when I heard a familiar male voice.
My eyes widened as I stared out into space blankly, letting the
words he spoke roll over me. There were so many questions running through
my mind I could barely concentrate on what he was saying. How did he know
where I was? Ahnna would have never told him. But I guessed that he was
such a powerful man that if he wanted to know something bad enough, it
would be handed to him on a silver platter within the hour.
It was odd hearing his voice in that context, not only because I
had just slept with another man and was still cuddling with him, but
because he didn't have the angry biting tone to his voice that I had become
all to use to hearing. He sounded, dare I say, almost pleasant. He wanted
me to come back to New York soon, and above all safely. I swallowed hard,
wondering what I should do. There was no doubt in my mind, or anyone else's
that knew the situation, Michael and I were still in love.
We always were but there were just so many obstacles standing in
our way, mainly his temper and ego. What if he had really changed though? I
hadn't heard him speak to me like that in, wow, since we first met I
guessed. And even then his arrogant personality shined through at some
point. Maybe it was really going to be different that time. My flight was
leaving at three that afternoon anyway. Most likely, making an earlier one
wouldn't take all that much effort.
I looked down at Joshua who had stirred slightly in his sleep. I
wondered if this whole thing had really been a one night stand. If so,
shouldn't I be the one who says good bye first? Or better yet just
disappear into the night, well the morning? It wasn't in my character at
all to do something like that. But then again I wasn't the type of person
to sleep with a guy I had only known for a day, either. I tried to
contemplate the situation as best I could with thoughts of Michael and I
being able to spend the rest of our lives together in utter happiness like
I had always planned. Being polite just wasn't out weighing that at the
time.
I quickly slipped from underneath my gorgeous companion figuring he
would be happy to see me already gone when he woke up. After all, he was a
musician and they're known for these sorts of trysts. Or at least that's
what I told myself as I dressed quickly and quietly. Oddly enough I was
able to find everything in record time, including my room key, which I took
as a sign.
I looked towards the bed one last time before slipping out of the
bedroom and then the hotel room altogether. I would probably be on a plane
back to New York before he even woke up. At the time I thought that was a
good thing. I was very naive.
**Feel free to send any comments or criticisms to Shannon S
<bluewritergrl@yahoo.com> they are very much appreciated. **