Date: Wed, 12 Feb 2003 23:27:04 +0200
From: Iconis Thaplayer <iconis@hotmail.com>
Subject: Irresponsible: Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Not implying anything about anyone... Don't know any of them, as
much as I'd like to... and so on.

A little late, but finally finished. I'm getting a little tired of this
begging myself, but I do need feedback. I really like writing this story but
I don't have any reason to keep posting it, if I don't know whether anyone
is reading, right?
Iconis@hotmail.com

To Katariina.


Chapter 4


	I laid awake in my bed for a long time before falling asleep, thinking
about the discussion I'd had with Chris earlier. It had left me puzzled and
even a little scared. How did Chris know about that? Had I said or done
something to make him think that I harboured some hidden feelings towards
Lance? I hadn't spoken to anyone about this, I was quite sure that I didn't
display my feelings for Lance in my actions - I treated Lance the same way I
treated all the guys, or at least I tried to. But if Chris had noticed
something, anyone could have. Chris was in no way the most perceptive of us
- Lance hadn't earned the nick name Scoop for nothing - and if he had
noticed my feelings, almost anyone could have. And if this got out, it could
only end in chaos.
	I tossed and turned, finally getting my thoughts to quiet down. I
concentrated on Chris' even breathing and those little sounds he made. Come
to think of it, they were kind of cute and relaxing. Somewhere between those
sounds and my thoughts I fell asleep.


	The next day was fully booked with interviews for every imaginable type of
media. We barely had time to have lunch before we were dragged to dance
rehearsals. Then it was time for the obligatory meet-and-greet before the
show - I've always hated them. I could take the questions - I knew the
questions and the answers by heart, they just came in a different order
every night - but the time between those questions when you had nothing to
say. I usually sat there drifting slowly to my thoughts before someone,
usually Chris, nudged me back to awareness.
	The concert was great, as usual, and when we shuffled to the bus - one
night of pure hell ahead of us - everyone was ready to crawl up in their
bunks and to never get up, again. There was some normal restlessness amongst
us so it took over an hour to things to settle down. Justin and Chris had
gone straight to bed, leaving me, Joe and Lance to sit around in the lounge.
We were trying to decide whether to watch a movie or play a game of poker or
something but a nice good conversation won over those options. Joe was
telling us baby stories - and they definitely were a better choice than an
second night of tossing and turning, alone, in my bunk. And it gave me a
chance to spend time with Lance so I could see if he was feeling better and
acting as his usual self again. If you had asked me, that was the only
reason I was hanging around him.
	Two hours after we had left for our next destination, Boston, Joey suddenly
stood up and announced he was going to bed. And there we were, Lance and I,
alone.
	Just like a hundred times before.
	And somehow, for me, everything was different.
	I never planned to fall in love with him.


	"Whatcha thinking?" Lance said softly, smiling kindly at me.
	"Just... stuff. Nothing drastic. Just feeling a little detached from my
surroundings today," I answered him truthfully, giving a small smile.
	"Yeah, I noticed."
	"Oh?"
	"Yeah. You've been deep in thought all day."
	"Well.. a lot to think about, I guess," I mumbled. I made the mistake of
looking into his eyes.
	When had all this happened? When did I start seeing Lance's eyes the way I
saw them today - open, kind, inviting, somehow infinite - and not just a
pair of friendly, if dazzling, green eyes? When did my gaze first drift
along the line of his shoulder down to the curve of his bicep, over his
chest, downwards to the small dips of his pelvic bone on his lower abdomen?
When did the curiosity in my looks turn to longing?
	I didn't remember one, exact moment. It wasn't like I fell in love with him
at first sight. I guess it had happened along those many years we'd known
each other. And then the revelation had hit me when, one late night last
May, I had watched Lance change his clothes for bed in one of those
countless hotel rooms we'd had shared. I had finally understood the depth of
my feelings for that incredible man who now sat opposite to me on the couch.
I realized why I sometimes felt those strong tinges of jealous towards Joey
when he asked Lance to room with him or why I had gotten dead scared of the
idea of Lance going to space. I was in love with him.
	"You alright?" he asked, startling me from my thoughts.
	"Umm... yeah. It's just... well... never mind. I think I'm just tired from
last night." I saw Lance blushing.
	"Yeah... um... I still am sorry for my outburst..."
	"Lance, I told you to forget about it. You aren't the first of us to break
down like that. And speaking of that, have you thought about what I said to
you the other night? About taking care of yourself and cutting down the work
load?" I perked up. My protective nature had risen when I remembered Lance's
behavior.
	"Yeah, I have. I know it sounds like a cheap excuse but there never seems
to be a good time to do that. I know, I know, but I just can't abandon my
projects all of a sudden. I have too much at stake. They are my future,"
Lance stated suddenly. I was a little frightened to hear that.
	"Wait a minute. Are you thinking..."
	"No! I didn't mean it like that. It's just that 'N Sync isn't going to be
around forever. You know that I want something to fall back on if and when
something happens to us."
	"I know. You just made it sound like... well, I don't even want to think
about it."
	"Neither do I. It's just... you know."
	"I do."


	The discussion pretty much died after that. It wasn't an uncomfortable
silence, more of a tired one. I stared out of the window into the darkness.
It was raining and small trickles of water ran down the glass. I glanced
over to Lance. He was doing the same thing, half sitting, half laying on the
end of the couch, his hands folded on his chest. He stifled a yawn, his nose
scrunching up adorably. He looked tired and a little lonely somehow. On a
sudden impulse I raised myself and scooted closer to Lance.
	"Make room, Scoop."
	He opened his posture and I slid my back against his chest. His legs were
on my sides and he wrapped his arms around me. It felt so good, I felt warm
and loved. And still there was a small nagging feeling of guilt in the back
of my mind, knowing that his touch was somehow stolen. But I had decided
early on to take everything I could. Because there was never going to be an
us, his touch would always remain somehow illicit.
	I amazed myself with how well I had internalized the thought that me and
Lance was never going to be. I remembered the relief and pure joy of the day
when Lance came out to us a few years back. I had loved the way all tension
and anxiety drained away from his face and finally his eyes when he
understood that his being gay didn't change one fucking thing between us
five.
	My joy had turned to sorrow when a blushing Lance introduced Kyle to us
with the words "I love him to death" a few days later. Joe, Chris and Just
had welcomed Kyle with open arms and even I noticed myself warming up to
Kyle, who was nice, polite and most definitely genuine in his love for
Lance.
	And even when a few months later, Lance came to my house with red eyes and
tear stained cheeks, sobbing in my arms, I didn't give myself permission to
go after him. He was too vulnerable, hurt, that I felt like I would be using
him if I came clean to him about my feelings. There was always a good reason
for me to keep my distance. Somewhere along the line, I saw my reasons for
the poor excuses they were - in the end, my restraint had nothing to do with
Lance and all to with me.


	"You asleep?" I heard Lance whisper near my ear.
	"No. Just... relaxed."
	"I thought you'd be sleeping by now," his low bass trembled in his chest.
	"Nah. You wanna get up? I can move if you want to."
	"No reason to do that. Don't want to get up. Too warm and comfortable."
	I smiled and felt a small blush rise up to my cheeks.
	"Me too."
	I broke our arrangement for a second and reach up to take a blanket from
under the sofa. I spread it on us and cuddled back to Lance.
	"You prompting us to sleep like this? Because that's what's gonna happen,"
I felt him chuckle under me.


	I was scared of loving Lance. We knew each other in and out, but the
thought of getting even closer, sharing *everything* him was frightening. I
wasn't sure that I could open up to him - share my feelings, thoughts, my
life with him - if you truly love someone, you have to be able to share.
Even more, I was scared of Lance's rejection. By the time things were clear
for me to make my confession, I had loved Lance for so long that the thought
of him not wanting me was so utterly crippling that I didn't get my mouth to
open when I had the chance. And the longer I procrastinated, the further I
got from sharing my feelings with Lance.
	So there I was, laying in his arms, feeling completed by his touch and
trying to get my thoughts to die down to just to enjoy the situation.
Somehow I had lived with my feelings this far. I would keep doing that as
long I'd have to. I wouldn't tell Lance anything - I wouldn't set him up for
getting hurt. I didn't want to first pull him close and then shut him out,
like I had done with everyone important in my life before. I was good at
talking about feelings, I felt things strongly and vibrantly but I didn't
know how and when to share them. It's was easier to close up, speak about
things in general and keep the distance. No one got hurt. *I* didn't get
hurt.


	"Good night, dear," I heard a soft whisper and felt a small kiss in my
hair. Lance relaxed even more under me.
	"I love you..." I murmured, feeling less than coherent. Sleep took over me
like a warm summer breeze.


	I woke up hours later when I felt someone's eyes on me. I blinked and saw
Justin standing a few feet away, an  unreadable expression on his face.
	"Good morning," I mouthed to him.
	Justin nodded and gave me a small smile.
	"Is he fully asleep?" I whispered to him as quiet as I could.
	Another nod.
	I smiled back at him.
	"He looks more relaxed than in ages," Justin whispered, grinning at me.
	"Shhh."
	"Just saying. Go back to sleep, it's too damn early for messing with your
head," Just continued smirking and walked back to his bunk. It didn't take
much for me to fall back asleep with his arms around me.


TBC...