Date: Fri, 14 Nov 2003 11:50:22 -0800 (PST) From: Michael Bryan <mzbryan2003@yahoo.com> Subject: JC and the Actor (Chapter 23) JC and the Actor, Chapter 23, Copyright 2003 ---------- The following story is entirely a work of fiction. It is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality or the personal lives of the members of NSYNC, or any other celebrities mentioned. If you are underage, or if it is illegal to read sexually explicit gay material where you live, don't read this. I meant to say this at the beginning of Chapter 22, but I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who wrote in response to Chapters 20 and 21. I received more responses to those two chapters than all of the previous ones, and I am grateful that so many of you have started to really care about these characters. Also, if I have forgotten to write back to anyone, I apologize. Feel free to write again and tell me that I suck. Thanks again and keep the comments coming. mzbryan2003@yahoo.com ---------- Chapter 23 Bobby smiled and moved as though he was going to hug me. I stepped backward, watching his cheerful expression dissolve. "I'm sorry," he said, not really sure what to do with his hands. "I just had to see you. I had to see you with my own eyes." "I thought everyone had left," I said. I wanted to keep the conversation as impersonal as possible. The water from JC's shower sounded like a monsoon in my ears. "They did," he said. "But I stayed. I've been here the whole time." "How did you get up here?" The question sounded harsher than I meant it to be. "I mean, with security and all downstairs." "Oh," he laughed quietly. "I'm really wealthy." I smiled at him and once again saw that sparkle in his eyes. "Look," he said. "I didn't come here to cause a problem. I just wanted to see that you were ok. I've been so worried." "You came to see me at the hospital didn't you?" That voice I had heard suddenly had a face. "How did you know that?" he asked, his eyes widening. "You were in a coma." "I heard some things," I said, already regretting that I had said anything. An embarrassed look covered Bobby's face as he searched for something to say. "I only came when I saw that JC had left. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, Nate." "I appreciate that Bobby, and I'm sorry that this all turned into such a mess." I was sorry for everything. It wasn't Bobby's fault that I was a cheap slut. He was just going after what he wanted. I looked toward the bathroom door, my anxiety increasing. "I've missed hanging out with you," he said. "I haven't been doing much of anything since you got sick." "Neither have I," I smirked. His expression turned serious. "Do you think your getting sick was nature's way of saying that what we did was wrong?" I couldn't believe he was bringing it up. I didn't want to talk about it. Not now. "I don't think nature cares all that much about a couple of gay guys in the African jungle," I said. "Good," he smiled. "Because I don't regret a second of it." "Bobby." I didn't like where this was going. "Nate, I loved being with you and I still want to be with you." His voice was becoming emotional. "Bobby, JC is in the bathroom." "I know, and I'll leave, but, but I want you to know that nothing has changed on my end. You can take all the time you need to decide. I'll wait." He suddenly looked much younger than I had remembered him. "Bobby, you really don't know me." "I know that I felt like dying when I thought you were. I know I couldn't imagine never seeing you again." He looked at me for a moment, not saying anything. "You're so beautiful and talented, Nate," he then said. "Just being around you feels like an important experience." It was perhaps the worst time for one of the best compliments I had ever received. "Bobby, it's not going to work." "Maybe not now," he said, his voice filled with hope. "But after some time has passed and after you have had time to think and talk to JC." "Bobby, I don't love you." I should have been nicer, but I was in survival mode. If I wanted to keep JC, I had to get rid of Bobby. Bobby looked down at the ground, not knowing what else to say. "Bobby, I love JC. He's who I want to spend my life with. I'm sorry if I hurt you and I hope you can believe that. I admire you in so many ways and really think you're a great person, but..." "Stop," he interrupted, a tear falling down from his cheek. A few weeks ago I would have wanted to wipe it away. Now, I honestly just wanted him to leave. "Nate, can't you just take some time?" "I know what I want, Bobby. I don't want to tie you up any longer than I already have. You're too wonderful for that." "But if he wasn't here you would feel differently." He wiped at the tears on his face. I heard the water to the shower stop and told Bobby he had to go. "Wait," he said, fishing into his pockets and pulling out a piece of paper. "This is my number at the hotel I'm staying at. Please take it, just in case you change your mind." I didn't have time to tell him that I didn't want it, so I took the paper and watched his sad face as I closed the door. I put the paper in the pocket to my pajama pants and headed away from the door as JC stepped out of the bathroom, a towel loosely hanging from his thin hips. "Was someone just here?" he asked, drying his hair with a smaller towel that he was holding. His beautiful jawline and cheekbones were visible once again. "No," I said, padding across the room, hopping back into bed and flipping on the TV. He picked out a pair of boxers and came over to sit next to me on the bed. Almost immediately I leaned over and kissed his left cheek, then his chin, then his right cheek. I loved the structure of his face and loved feeling its smoothness against me once again. Why did everything have to get so complicated? Now I was feeling guilty for what I had done to Bobby, as well as JC. JC had thought of no one but me the whole time I was sick. It was unfair of me to be thinking of anyone else but him. I started kissing him more and more, hoping that maybe I could get him so addicted to me that even if I told him about Bobby, he wouldn't be able to leave. I could tell he hadn't expected me to be so frisky this morning, but I was feeling more like myself, at least physically, and I wanted to please him. I pulled his towel open and grasped his hardening cock. He moaned and slipped his tongue in my mouth as I felt every part of his cock, smooth as silk. I pulled my lips from his and started kissing down his chest, slipping myself off the bed until I was kneeling between his legs. On the way down I bathed his nipples with my tongue and traced all the defining parts of his six-pack. Then I pushed his legs wide apart and took his cock in my mouth. JC sighed and laid flat on his back. His ass was positioned right on the edge, giving me ample access to him. Up and down, I soaked his pole with my saliva, nibbling at it with my lips. JC laughed, asking me if I thought he had done something to deserve all this attention. I just took him deeper into my throat, giving him my answer. I started to push his legs up toward his chest until I could see his little hole, tight and flexing. I pressed my tongue against it, hearing him shriek with delight. "I'm so glad you're better," he laughed, lifting his head up, trying to see what I would do next. I raised my head and took his balls in my mouth, rolling them around in their smooth sack. Then, slowly, I lifted myself up by my arms and grabbed the television remote, turning off the TV. I looked down at JC, feeling his hands tug at my shirt. "Josh, I think I'm ready to do more." "Are you sure?" he asked, hoping it was true. "Josh, I want to be inside you." He looked at me as though he was checking for any signs of illness or exhaustion. "Ok," he said. He thought to himself for a moment. "Um, there's condoms and lube in my bag." "I see," I laughed, leaving the bed and going over to his bag. "I guess you had some definite plans for those couple days you had planned to visit me." "It's been so long," he said with mock exaggeration, pushing the back of his head into the mattress and raising his arms above his head. Seeing JC naked and reclined on a giant bed was a scene that everyone should get to witness at least one time in their life. I found the condoms, wondering what the hell I was doing. Was everything now a lie? Would it always feel like this? Seeing him lying there, I wanted him so much. More than anyone else. More than Bobby. Was it possible to just put it all behind me? I walked back over to the bed and stood between JC's long legs, pulling off my shirt and stepping out of my pajama pants. I slowly laid myself on top of him, our erections pressing together. He smelled so warm and clean. The feeling of the full body contact was amazing. I kissed his lips and wrapped my arms tight around and underneath him, wishing I could consume him. JC and I had always had our share of problems, even before I had the affair, but now it was like I could only see him as perfection, which made me feel worse and worse. I told myself not to idealize him, that it was only these recent events that had transformed us into some sort of super couple. But I couldn't listen, even to my own voice. We pressed against each other for some time, until I felt liquid on my stomach and realized JC was leaking like a faucet. He broke our embrace and stared at me, his passion increasing. "Fuck the foreplay," he said. "Just fuck me." I loved it when he was assertive, so I got off the bed, and started getting myself prepared for something I had been aching to have for months. I pulled JC toward me so that his ass was hanging off the edge. I pushed his legs wide apart and lifted them up until he was holding his knees. His hole looked hungry, and I was about to feed it its favorite snack. I lined up my lubed cock, and started pushing into him. He cried out as he felt the head pop into him, and I asked him if it hurt. "A little," he said. "But just keep going." I did as I was told, watching his hole contract and expand around my throbbing cock, listening to him try to control his whimpers. He felt amazing. Tighter and warmer than I had remembered. I felt my pubes brush up against ass and I laid the top half of my body over the bed, supporting myself on my outstretched arms. JC slowly let go of his knees and just let his legs hang in the air as I began to pump in and out of him. "Fuck Nate, I had forgotten..." He just closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensations. My cock felt like it was on fire, and I could have cum almost immediately if I wasn't determined to give JC an incredible experience. I kissed the hollow of his throat as I slowly thrusted, feeling him begin to relax underneath me and become more vocal. I moved my hands so that they were on either side of his legs, allowing him to rest them on my broad shoulders. "Nate," he said, somewhat hesitantly. I looked down to see the ecstasy swirling in his crystal-blue eyes. "Do you think you could go faster?" I smiled and pulled my cock almost completely out of him before thrusting its full length back into him, making him squeal with delight. I was ready for more. I picked up the pace, listening to him make all sorts of different moans and groans. I moved my right hand and placed it over his cock, pushing away his two hands that were both happily pumping away at it. I stroked his long rod for a while, while pummeling his ass, watching his hands move to wipe the sweat forming on his face. My hand was soon covered in precum, and I brought it up to his face, placing my wet fingers on his lips. His mouth opened and he hungrily sucked on them, in between gritting his teeth in delight at the sensations coming from his hole. I saw his hand move to grasp his cock again and moved it out of the way, thrusting harder into him and moving forward onto the bed until we were both completely on top of it. I pushed his arms above his head, holding his hands with my own, forcing him to focus his attention solely on the pleasure caused by fucking his ass. "Oh Nate," he wailed as I fucked him harder and harder, pressing my face into his fresh from the shower armpit. I pulled at the tiny straight hairs with my teeth. "Ungh! Give it to me! Fuck me!" I jabbed at his prostate, trying to feel places of him I had never felt. Trying to make new memories. "He'll never leave me," I thought to myself. "Not after this." We fucked long, and we fucked hard. I was quickly getting tired, my chest and torso covered in a sheen of sweat that dripped onto his chest, cock and balls. JC was with me every step of the way, refusing to tire. At one point I realized we had moved clear across to the other side of the bed, his hands still pinned beneath my own. "Nate," he said after a while, his voice heavy and breathy. "Jerk me off, I have to cum." I looked at him and smiled, continuing to pump into him, not letting his hands free. "Please Nate," he begged. "Oh God, oh God." I looked down at his huge hard cock, leaking like crazy. His abdomen was all wet and his pubes were slick. "Come on, Josh. Do it!" I moaned, nearing my own climax. I had made him cum once without touching his cock, I wanted to see if I could do it again. "Nate, I don't think, I'm not, umm, ohhhhh, ohhhhh!" I started to drive my cock into him like a jackhammer, deciding ahead of time that if this didn't work, I would have to give up. JC looked like he was using all of his powers of concentration, despite having to let out a high-pitched cry every few seconds. "Oh fuck!" he finally shouted. I immediately looked down and felt his anus tighten around my cock. It caught me off guard and I started to cum hard. Just as I began, I watched a thick rope of white fluid shoot out of JC's cock landing in the valley between his taught pecs. He was cumming. He was cumming and yelling hard. I took one of my hands and squeezed his cock, feeling the remaining jets of cum blast out of him as I emptied my own load inside him. I think I would have fallen unconscious were it not for all the noise JC was making, allowing himself to enjoy one of the fullest orgasms he had probably ever had. By the end he was begging me to release his cock, it had become so sensitive he couldn't bare to have it touched. I crushed my body against his, kissing him hard and passionately, telling him how much I loved him. "Oh man," he said, rolling his eyes and wiping at his face with his hand. "You can do things to me with that thing that no one ever could." I smiled above him, breathing heavily, feeling slightly woozy. He looked up at me and smiled. "You can be a real animal when you want to be." I didn't know how to respond to that so I just kissed him again, realizing I was drifting off to sleep. My eyes shot open as I felt him shake me slightly, telling me that I might want to get out of him before going to sleep. I pulled out of him, rolling the condom into a tissue and tossing it onto the floor. "We'll shower again in a little bit," I said, my eyes closing once again as my head made contact with one of the pillows. I felt his back spoon against me and draped my arm over his body. I hoped there was a way for it to always be like this. ---------- I walked out of the shower to find JC dressed and happily putting things away. It was cute to see that despite all of his wealth, he still liked to take care of his own things and keep the room tidy. I watched him walk over to the side of the bed and pick up the bedclothes I had dropped there earlier in the morning. I nearly screamed when he started to fold my pajama pants. The piece of paper Bobby had given me slipped out of the pocket and fell to the floor. My heart started racing as JC bent down to pick it up. Was now the time? Should I say something? Should I try to cover it up? Without paying too much attention to it, he just placed it on the nightstand and continued to put the clothes away. I breathed a sigh of relief and headed over to my suitcase and started to get dressed. "So, how do you feel about doing a little sightseeing today?" he asked. "Um, I don't know," I said. I felt like I needed somebody else's permission to make that decision. "The nurse said that she would come with us," he said, trying to give me the assurance I needed. "And your mom seemed to think it would be a good idea for you to get out." "I she back?" I asked, wondering when this discussion had taken place. "Yeah, you were still in the shower. She thought we could take one of those day cruises down the Nile." It sounded like a great idea. "What the hell," I laughed. "I guess we'll just how it goes." "You'll be fine," he said, coming over to give me a pat on the back. He went into the bathroom and I hurried over to the nightstand, feeling very disgusted with myself for the actions I now found myself taking. I crumpled up the paper and put it into the wastebasket, under a bunch of other papers JC must have put in there. It felt deceitful and immature, but I didn't know what else to do. JC, my mom, the nurse and I all boarded the large ferry on the river. The sun was so bright that I had to wear sunglasses to keep my eyes form hurting. The weather was hot and it felt good to feel the warmth on my skin and the fresh air in my lungs. The nurse was content to stay off by herself, but between JC and my mom, I felt like I was with two watchdogs, just waiting to step in and perform some emergency procedure. I kept telling them that I was fine, though I kept having mixed feelings about enjoying their company versus my increasing desire to be left alone. I was happy to have the sunglasses on, for at least they offered a barrier to my eyes, allowing me to be alone with my thoughts. The views were amazing, but I was quick to realize that I wasn't having a good time. I was too weak, and too upset to put myself in the mindset of a tourist. I was afraid to say anything because JC seemed to really be enjoying himself. Part of me wondered if he in any way resented having to stay with me while I was sick. I wondered if it was at all possible that he did it more out of a sense of obligation. In a way, I wished it were true. JC said that he was going to go see the view from the other side of the ferry, and all at once I felt myself suddenly overcome with emotion. I grasped the railing as he left, looking out into the desert as I felt the tears start to fall down from my cheeks. "What's wrong?" my mom said, sounding very concerned. "I've messed everything up," I said, trying not to start bawling. My mom put her arm around me and asked me again. "I cheated on Josh when I was in Kenya." I expected her to loosen her grip and walk away, but she stayed as she was, though her eyes were looking more and more serious. "Oh, Nate," "I can't even understand why I did it. I don't think I have any excuse. I mean, seeing him here, being with him, I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else." "Have you told him?" she asked. "No, of course not. But I mean, it's only a matter of time, right? I have to tell him, right?" I wiped the tears from my face. "Nate, this is so not like you," she said. "I just don't understand." She pulled away and glared at me. "Were you careful?" she asked. "Jesus, mom," I said, not really wanting to talk about this aspect of it with her. "Yes, I mean, we didn't do that much. I wouldn't do something to put my health or Josh's health in danger." "Well, then" she started. "Well, then?" I interrupted. "You think I should just keep it a secret? Deny him the opportunity to tell me what a piece of shit I am?" "Nate," she said assertively. "I think what you did was terrible, but you're my son and your happiness is always going to be my top priority." "But I'm just like dad," I said. "No you're not," she countered. "Nate, I know who you are and I think that Josh just might as well. Just don't go and do more things you will regret." "I just can't believe I did this," I said. "Right when everything in my life was perfect." "Do you ever think that's the reason?" she said. "Sounds like a lame-ass excuse to me." "Nate, you have never settled for anything less than perfection since you were born. You've turned it into this chase, but what would you do if you ever truly achieved it?" "I'd probably screw it up, somehow." "Exactly," she said, looking as though she had wanted to say this for a long time. "Nate, if you had everything you wanted out of life, I don't think you would know what to do with yourself. I think that's why you did this." "Well what am I supposed to do with that? You think JC will understand if I give that as my reason?" "I don't know what he would say. I'm saying that if you can make peace with yourself, and realize that it's ok to sit back and enjoy what you have, then maybe you don't really have to tell him." "But mom, I've already lied to him about other stuff, too. Stuff I don't want to get into with you, but I think I've been lying from the beginning." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I did some pretty devious stuff in Los Angeles," I told her, referring to my unorthodox methods of undoing Lance's blackmail. "I thought I did it to protect Josh, but now I just think that I've been robbing him of his choices." "Nate, what more can I say? You have to do what you are ready to deal with. If you think the truth is of the utmost importance, no matter the consequences, which will probably be quite grave, then you really have to prepare yourself." "I just don't know," I said. "I just don't know." My mom saw that JC was walking back toward us and told me to pull myself together. I tried to compose myself, but while he didn't say anything, I could tell he knew something was wrong. "Should we go inside for some lunch?" he asked. He was so fair that his face and arms were already getting red from the sun. "I'll be there in a minute," I said, walking away from the two of them, needing some time alone. I walked to the back of the boat and looked out at the landscape. I found myself asking someone for forgiveness, but I'm not sure who. "I'm not a bad person," I said to myself, trying to believe it was true. If I didn't love him so much, why would I feel as bad as I did? My mom had made some good points. JC and I had not even expressed the mildest annoyance with each other since I took him to New Hampshire. It was all fun and romance. It was all perfect. I remembered a weekend a few months ago when I had joined JC on tour. We had just had sex, and he was in the shower getting ready for that night's concert. I don't even remember what city it was, but I remember the smell of the sheets, and the smell of him on me. I was thinking, "This is it. This is how it is always going to be." It was a feeling of total contentment, but it was quickly followed by a gnawing feeling in my stomach that I chose not to deal with. Now, staring across the Nile, I knew what that feeling was. It was the feeling of fear. Fear that there was nothing else to look forward to. Fear that there would be no more surprises. Bobby had become my escape. A way to keep life exciting. I had convinced myself that I had deep feelings for him in order to keep things complicated, the way I liked them to be. It was too bold a move, because I knew that JC would never stay with someone who couldn't be faithful. It was the reason he had ended all of his previous relationships. "Josh," I said out loud to myself. He didn't even know that I had lost him. I walked inside the cabin and found JC and my mom sitting at a table, happily chatting away. When JC caught saw me, his face turned serious and he asked me if I was ok. I sat down, not even sure I could look him in the eye. "Josh," I began after a few moments. "There's something I have to tell you." To be continued