Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 23:27:01 GMT
From: Jamie Mitchell <just_jamie007@hotmail.com>
Subject: Justin's Journal 2

  This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know
him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as
far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I
hope you enjoy it. Bye now.


  March 17, 1996
Things have been a little strange for the last few days. Lance and I haven't
talked about what he told me at all. I don't know for sure how he's feeling,
but somehow I think he's wishing he hadn't told me. I've been trying to act
normally around him, but it's hard to act like I don't know that he's gay. I
mean, there are a lot of things I'd like to ask him about. At the same time,
though, it makes me feel really uncomfortable because I don't want him
thinking that I'm that way too or anything. I keep thinking about how sad he
was, though, when he told me. He must be so lonely, not being able to tell
everyone about such a big part of who he is! So, anyway, I'm feeling a lot
of mixed emotions about it all. I wish I knew how Lance was feeling, and I
wish I could talk to JC about this. He's always been so easy to talk to, I
feel like I could go to him with almost any problem and he could make it
right. But not this, I promised Lance not to tell anyone. It's so confusing!
Well, at least there's plenty going on to keep my mind on other stuff. When
I'm singing I forget everything but the song and the moves and the audience.

  March 20, 1996
I finally talked to Lance today. About him being gay, I mean. I've talked to
him plenty of times since he told me, but never about it. We were alone this
afternoon for about two hours, the other guys all had things to do. I wanted
to go shopping with JC, but Lance said he was gonna stay here, so I decided
to stay, too. Here, by the way, is our new tour bus! It's nothing special,
though. When I heard we were getting one I was really excited. I pictured
something really sleek and big, but it's pretty much just a run down old
school bus fixed up a little. It's cool, though. A few of our songs are
starting to get some radio play over here now. Anyway, I finally talked to
Lance, like I said. He said he got the feeling that I was weirded out by
everything and was trying to pretend like he never told me. I guess I was
kinda acting that way. I told him how I just wasn't sure how to act around
him, that I still feel as close to him like he's my brother, but I was
worried that if I acted that way he'd get the wrong idea. He told me not to
worry about it, that he knows I'm not in love with him or anything like
that. So, it's cool. I even asked him some questions about how he could be
so sure and if most of the religions being so sure that it was a sin worried
him at all. I also asked if he'd ever dated a guy. He hasn't yet, but he
said he's in love with a guy he knows. I asked if he was ever gonna tell the
other guys and he said he will in time, that he felt less threatened telling
me because I'm the only one who's younger than him. I don't see what that
has to do with anything! I hate being the youngest, it sucks. Sometimes they
all treat me like a little baby. Well, at least JC never treats me that way.
I'm not a child, I'm 15 years old!

  April 10, 1996
Things are really going great! We're already starting to get a fan base over
here in Europe! People actually know who we are, it's so strange. We've even
got a few fans who follow us around from city to city! Chris was teasing me
today about being the group's heart throb and all the girls wanting me. I
guess there are some, sure, but I think most of them are probably into JC.
We're going to be here until the end of the month and then we're heading
back home for a month or so, to work on some new songs and take a short
break. I love it here, but I can't wait to get back home, to my own room. I
love all the guys, but we've started getting on each others nerves a lot
more lately. Nothing too serious, though. JC says it's just that we're all
in each other's faces 24/7 and that gets tiresome after awhile. Like
yesterday Chris and Joey got in a shouting match over something totally dumb
and a few days before that I was ready to kick Lance's butt for hogging the
bathroom!

  May 3, 1996
Home sweet home! It's so good to be back here in Orlando. We've only been
back since yesterday. We're not on vacation yet, though, we've got a lot of
time set up in the studio doing some recording and an insane amount of photo
shoots lined up! At first it was kind of cool, but now it's starting to get
old. They always want the same poses and shots and it's just boring. We get
a week off towards the end of this month, though, right before we head back
to Europe and start touring again. Mom isn't going to be going this time,
which will be cool. It made me feel even more like a baby, having my mother
tagging around with us everywhere. Lance's mom will be going again, though.
I don't think any of us like her very much, except Lance of course! She's
very bossy and overprotective of Lance.

  May 24, 1996
Well, we've finally got a break! The last three weeks have been very busy.
JC and Lance both went home to see their families and the rest of us are
just chilling around Orlando, doing whatever. I plan to sleep until noon
every day and then do nothing but play basketball with my friends the rest
of the day. Maybe see some movies or something. Just be a normal guy. It's
funny, I hated just being a regular kid again after MMC went off the air,
but after how much work we've been doing lately, that's all I want to be for
a little while!

  May 28, 1996
I miss the guys, especially JC. I can't wait to get back to that cramped bus
and all those cheap hotel rooms! And to singing in front of an audience. I
think that's when I'm really happiest. I've been thinking a lot about JC for
the past few days and the way I feel about him. It used to scare me a lot
that I love him, but I don't think it does any more. It's not like I'm in
love with him, I just have a very deep friendship with him, that's all. And
if Lance has known since he was 13 that he was gay, wouldn't I have known
from the same age that I was? When I was 13 I was busy kissing Britney.

  June 6, 1996
I can't believe what's going on! When we arrived in Germany there was a big
crowd of fans waiting for us at the airport! A lot of them were holding up
photos of us from some of the magazines we've posed for and they were all
screaming our names. It just blew me away! It made me feel so good. There's
no doubt in my mind that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life,
make people like this happy by singing. The past few days have been pretty
much the same, people waiting wherever we've gone, the radio stations
playing our stuff a lot more than they did when we were here before. The
other guys have all started teasing me now about being the heart throb, not
just Chris. There were a lot of girls holding up pictures of me. I guess
it's nice that so many people think I'm good looking, but hopefully they
like my singing too!

June 22, 1996
We seem to be getting more popular over here every day. It's all a little
too much to take in, really, but I love that people like our music. I'm
having so much fun, all of us are. We had lunch the other day with this
other group of guys Lou signed, the backstreet boys. They've become really
big over here, they're treated like Madonna or Michael Jordan or something.
Like stars. They seemed to be nice guys, but they were a little rude about
our music. I got the feeling that they thought we were trying to copy them
somehow. I didn't even know they existed until recently! Well, there has
been one kinda bad thing running through my mind in the past few days. I'm
starting to wonder if the guy that Lance thinks he's in love with is JC!
I've seen him give JC these looks sometimes and when he and JC are talking
he kinda lights up in a way. This thought really bothers me a lot. I mean,
it's not like I'm jealous, but if Lance does have feelings for JC he's going
to get hurt. JC isn't gay. Sometimes when I see the two of them talking it
reminds me of when JC first came to Orlando when we were just getting the
group started and he and I would stay up really late every night talking
about the future, and I get kind of pissed off at Lance. I guess if anything
I'm a little jealous that he and JC have become such close friends because
JC was my friend first. That's dumb, I know, and it makes me sound like a
stupid little kid fighting over a toy. I try not to feel that way, because
it's not like JC and I don't spend any time together. I wonder if I should
ask Lance who his mystery guy is? I wonder if I'd even want to hear the
answer?

  July 4, 1996
It's weird being over here on the 4th of July, with no fireworks displays or
bar-b-q's or anything! Speaking of weird, something happened a few days ago
that kind of scared me. We were leaving a radio station where we'd just
given an interview and this girl came running up and grabbed my arm. She was
about my age, I guess, and really pretty. She was crying really hard, there
were tears just pouring down her face and at first I thought she was hurt
and needed help or something. But then she started talking. It was kind of
hard to understand her at first, even though she was speaking English,
because her accent was so heavy, but then I realized she was saying "Justin,
I love you, I love you." I just stared at her, I didn't know what to say.
Then some of the security people at the radio station kind of pulled her off
me and we all got on the bus. Joey started to tease me, but I was so freaked
out that he stopped pretty quick when he saw that I wasn't responding.
Everyone got really quiet for the next hour while we drove on to our next
show. I just kept thinking about how hard the girl was crying and how she
said she loved me so much. How can someone I've never met be in love with
me? She doesn't even know me! All she knows is my singing voice. Maybe she's
even read about me in a magazine, but that's not really me. Up until now
I've been really happy with all the attention we've had. And I still am,
because I love to sing so much. But suddenly it seems like there are two
Justins- the real me, and this person that people think I am, that the girl
thought she was in love with. It's a very weird feeling.

  July 15, 1996
Lance just told me that he came out to JC last night. I guess I should be
happy for him, because i know that was a big step for him. I feel really
guilty about this, but instead of feeling happy for Lance I feel worried
that JC and Lance are just going to be even closer now. I'm such a terrible
friend to both of them to feel that way. Lance said JC was really cool about
it, but he didn't say much else. I still think it's JC that Lance has
feelings for. I kind of want to talk to JC about Lance being gay, now that
he knows, but I'm not sure how to bring it up. I don't even know if Lance
told him that I already know. I guess what it all comes down to is that I
consider JC my best friend and it seems like he and Lance have more in
common than he and I do, and that scares me. I don't really know why,
though.

  July 16, 1996
Well, JC & I talked about Lance today. The other guys were all asleep and we
were on the road. I was trying to do some stupid math problems that I'm
forced to do just because I have to be in school by law. I can't help
feeling it's pointless, since I already have a career, but my Mom says that
I should be prepared in case I ever don't want to be a singer, or can't be
for some reason. I guess she's got a point. Anyway, JC was just staring out
the window of the bus for a long time. Usually he's the first one asleep, so
I knew something was up and I was pretty sure he was thinking about Lance,
probably feeling as weirded out as I was right after Lance first told me.
Finally he looked over at me and started shaking his head and smiling and
said he'd never thought I could keep anything a secret for so long, with my
big mouth! So then we talked about it. He asked how I felt and I told him
that I thought of Lance like a brother, no matter what. He just kind of
nodded and started looking out the window again, so then I asked how he felt
and he just looked at me for a long time without saying anything. He finally
said that he was surprised about Lance, but he never thought there was
anything wrong with being gay. He didn't seem to want to talk much, though,
so after awhile I just went back to my math. It kind of made me feel bad, in
a way, because the two of us always talked about everything and now he knows
that I kept a secret from him for months. I hope he's not pissed at me. I
wonder if I should tell him that I think Lance likes him? I can't, though,
because it's just a guess on my part. Why does everything have to be so
confusing? Sometimes I feel angry at Lance for being gay because it seems to
make life so much more complicated.


~Okay, that's it for right now. Thanks to the people who wrote to me! I hope
the second part isn't a let down at all. Will you let me know just what you
think? You can write me at just_jamie007@hotmail.com Cya later!