Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 22:50:12 GMT
From: Jamie Mitchell <just_jamie007@hotmail.com>
Subject: Justin's Journal 6

  This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know
him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as
far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I
hope you enjoy it. Bye.



   December 25, 1996
This has been an amazing day. Probably the best Christmas I've ever had.
Being here with my family means even more to me now than it ever has before
because I've spent so much of the past year away from them. The only thing
that could have made the day any better was being with the guys, but they
were all with their own families. I wish I could have seen JC's face when he
opened my gift. Not that I got him anything really special, but he's always
so cute when he opens gifts. He gets this look of anticipation that lights
up his entire face. I miss him already and he hasn't even been gone for a
whole week. I love him so much. But today has been great even with JC gone.
And he did call to wish us a happy Christmas this morning. All the guys did,
in fact. I really feel a thousand tons lighter today, though, because of
what I decided yesterday. I'm a little nervous about telling the guys, but
mostly I just feel like for the first time in a long time there isn't this
dark cloud hanging over my head. It's the best gift I got today, even if it
was from me!

   December 28, 1996
JC got back today. I missed him a lot, even if he was only gone for a few
days! Still, the hug he gave me when we picked him up at the airport was
almost worth it. Every time he touches me, whether it's a punch on the arm
or draping his arm around my shoulder for a minute for a photo shoot I feel
kind of fluttery inside. I think that must be a part of what love is. Every
time he walks into a room this thrill tingles it's way up my spine, even if
he's just been gone for two minutes. I like feeling that way, even if it
can't ever be anything more. We've always been really close and I don't want
that to ever change. I kind of feel bad that I'm going to tell Lance I'm gay
first and not JC. I mean, I've know JC for so long and he's my best friend.
Don't I kind of owe it to him that he be the first to know? But at the same
time, I'm sort of scared that telling JC will change things between us. I
know that it won't, not really, but the fear is still there. At least with
Lance I'll know that he knows exactly what I'm going through. I just hope
that he doesn't think that just because I'm gay there's any chance for him
and I. JC means too much to me, I don't want to be with anyone else. Well,
I've got a few days to think it over before Lance gets back. In the
meantime, JC and I are going to hang out tomorrow, maybe go to the movies or
shoot hoops. Just the two of us. I can't wait!

   December 30, 1996
I realized something yesterday. I've been so busy with Nsync and so worried
about all the feelings I was denying to myself that I really haven't been
having any fun! I'm a teenager, life is supposed to be fun right now. It was
yesterday for the first time in a long while. JC woke me up early (taking
his life into his own hands, by the way, because I'm not a fun person when I
first wake up!) and then we went to the mall and spent some money. I got a
few new pairs of sneakers and a gold chain for myself that looked pretty
good on me. JC teased me about my growing collection of course! All he
bought were a few new t-shirts, but they looked really good on him. But
everything does, I think! After the mall we saw a movie. I love seeing funny
movies with him because he's just got one of those laughs that make everyone
else around him want to laugh, too. That and he always gets too much pop
corn for one person and ends up asking me to share it with him, so sometimes
our hands touch when we reach for some at the same time. After the movie we
came back here and played some b ball for about an hour. It was pretty hot
out by that time, so we went for a swim. I see JC without a shirt on all the
time, but it's not a sight that ever gets boing! I think the swimming was my
favorite part of the day. He's so cute when he tries to sneak up on me
underwater and grab my legs to pull me under! It was the best day I've had
in so long, and not only because I got to be with JC. It was nice to just
have fun for a change. I need to do that more often. Well, tomorrow is the
day. Lance is flying back. I'm getting more and more nervous about telling
him I'm gay.

   January 2, 1997
It's a new year and my life is definitely changed. I'm not even sure where
to start, so much has happened. Lance flew back to Orlando on the afternoon
of New Year's Eve. I could tell right away when I saw him that something was
wrong. There were dark circles under his eyes and he was pretty pale. And
saying that about Lance is serious because he's usually pale to begin with!
I wasn't the only one who noticed, either, all the guys asked him if he was
okay. He just said it was a bad flight, though. I was going to tell him my
news as soon as we were alone, but it didn't seem like I should until I knew
if he was okay or not. I wasn't really even alone with him until later that
night anyway, when the other guys left to go out to this 18 and over dance
club for the night. Lance and I decided to ring in the new year by popping
some pop corn and watching some horror videos in my room. I kept trying to
make him laugh or at least smile, but nothing really worked. Finally I just
said that I knew something was wrong and I wasn't going to let either of us
have a moment of peace until he told me what it was. That's when he just
started sobbing. Not just crying, but actually sobbing against my shoulder.
For a long time I just sat there with my arms around him, waiting for him to
quiet down enough to talk. It really didn't seem like he was ever going to
be able to quit and I got really scared about what could have upset him that
much. Finally he was quiet but I kept my arms around him because he'd
started shaking really badly, like he was cold or maybe scared. He told me
that being home with his family had just been really hard for him because it
made him realize all over again how alone he really was. Most of his family
pretty much believe that being gay is not only a sin but just about the most
disgusting thing imaginable. They don't know that he's gay, though, and I
told him that maybe once they do know they'll be forced to change their
minds because they love him. He thinks that if they ever found out they'd
cut him out of their lives completely until he 'decided' not to be gay any
more. I have to say that from what I know about Lance's mom, he's probably
right. Open minded isn't the first word that comes to mind when I think of
Mrs. Bass! But how could anyone turn their back on someone they love? We
talked about it for a long time that night and I told him that even though
it's not even close to being the same as his real family, all four of us
guys would always be there for him. It was midnight before I knew it and I
still hadn't told Lance my own news. Then Lance did something that I didn't
expect at all. I set the my alarm for a minute before midnight so we could
do the countdown and just as the new year started, Lance kissed me. It
wasn't a full on kiss or anything too serious, he just leaned over all of a
sudden and kissed me on the cheek. I just looked at him for a few seconds,
really shocked, but he just gave me one of his shy smiles and thanked me for
being such a good friend. It was just a friendly kiss. But it was really
nice, somehow. We went back to watching the videos after that and he fell
asleep pretty quickly. I let him sleep in my bed and went and slept in JC's
since I knew he was going to crash at Chris's. Sleeping in JC's bed was
nice, though. The pillows smelled like his hair and it was like being close
to JC himself. Anyway, on new year's day I finally told Lance that I was
gay. It was really hard to say the words to someone, even Lance. We were in
my room and I kind of danced around it for a little while, trying to find a
way to say it. Finally I just told him that I had something very important
that I needed to say. Somehow that made it worse, though, because then he
was looking at me expectantly, giving me his full attention. It might have
been easier just to have blurted it out without all the build up. But there
was no going back so I just said something like "This has been really hard
for me to accept about myself, but I have now and I want all of you guys to
know. I'm gay." He didn't seem as surprised as I thought he would be. He
said he'd wondered sometimes if maybe I had feelings for JC. I didn't expect
that at all and it scared me that I might have been too obvious. Lance said
it was just little things he'd picked up on, though, nothing most people
would see. I told him that he couldn't tell anyone about that, though,
because I didn't want to freak JC out and ruin our friendship for something
that was hopeless. Lance promised that he wouldn't say a word. I was kind of
disappointed in his reaction. It was such a big step for me. I don't know
what I expected, but he acted as if I'd just told him my shoe size or
something! More on this later, though. I've been writing for too long and
I've got to get some sleep.

   January 3, 1997
Where did I leave off? Oh, New Years Day and telling Lance. I was a little
surprised at how calmly he took it but he said that the other guys would
probably be pretty surprised. I told him that I wanted to tell JC in private
first and then have a group meeting to tell Chris and Joey and discuss what
it means for the group. I was out shooting some hoops when JC got back that
afternoon. Lance said he just wanted to go and do some shopping by himself,
so I was just kind of killing time waiting for JC. Telling Lance made me
really nervous, but it couldn't even compare to telling JC. He's been my
best friend for so long and I have so many mixed feelings for him. Anyway,
he got home and went upstairs to shower and change his clothes. When he came
back down he told me about hitting the club the night before and this girl
he danced with most of the night and kissed at midnight. Chris was really
hamming it up all night, I guess, dancing with everyone in sight and just
cutting loose. Joey left pretty early in the evening with some girl. Then he
asked how my night had been. That was sort of my cue, but I was so scared to
tell him that I chickened out. I just started talking about Lance being
upset because of his family and all the time I kept thinking 'What if he
hates me? What if he feel uncomfortable around me after I tell him?' Even
though I knew deep down that he wouldn't react that way, part of me was
still very scared he might. So after we talked about Lance I started telling
lame jokes and talking about anything but what I wanted to talk about. After
awhile JC said he wanted to go up to his room and work on a new song that's
been floating around in his head. I just suddenly felt like it was then or
never. I can't change the fact that I'm gay and I'm not going to hide it
from someone who means as much to me as JC does. So I reached out and
grabbed his arm as he was getting up and pulled him back down on the sofa. I
just said "JC, there's something you have to know and I hope it doesn't
change our friendship." He just smiled and said nothing could change our
friendship, that I was like a brother to him. So I said, "JC, I'm gay." I
worried over saying those words so much, but as soon as they were out of my
mouth I just felt this huge sense of relief. JC looked truly shocked, he
just kind of stared at me for a little while with his mouth hanging open,
but then he just leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me and hugged
me. He smelled so good, like soap and shampoo from his shower, it was
amazing being in his arms for that long. When he finally pulled back he
smiled at me and touched the side of my head and told me that it didn't make
any difference at all to him that I liked guys. We talked for a long time
and I felt closer to him than I've ever felt to anyone ever. Then my mom
came home and kind of broke the spell. JC went up to work on his song and I
decided to go for a run. I got back in time to shower before dinner and it
was so cool to sit there at the table with JC and know that he knew and yet
was still treating me like he always had before. Yesterday and today have
been more vacation days for us. JC and I have hung out and everything has
been really great. I haven't seen much of Lance, he's staying over at
Chris's, which he usually does when we're here. Tomorrow we've got a studio
session and then afterwards the five of us are going to sit down and talk.
That's when I'll tell Chris and Joey. I'm really not even nervous about that
at all, I know they'll both be really cool with it, like they were with
Lance. I am kind of worried about Lance, though. It seems like he's avoiding
me, almost, since I told him I was gay. I hope it doesn't have anything to
do with the crush he had on me. I keep thinking of him kissing me on New
Year's eve and it worries me. What if he still likes me? Plus, before when
he told me he liked me he could put down my not liking him back to the fact
that I was straight. But now that he knows I'm gay, he might be taking it
more personally that I don't have those feelings back. I need to talk to him
and find out what he's feeling. I don't want to lose Lance as a friend over
this. That would be almost as bad as losing JC as a friend.


Sorry this chapter isn't very good. The next one will hopefully be better.
You can contact me at just_jamie007@hotmail.com if you'd like.