Date: Mon, 12 Feb 2001 00:05:09 -0800 (PST)
From: Parlance <par_lance1@yahoo.com>
Subject: Kiss Kiss

Title: Kiss Kiss
Author: Parlance, copyright 2001
Email: par_lance1@yahoo.com
Feedback appreciated.  Flames will be used to burn
JC's latest choice in "fashion."
Website: http://www.geocities.com/par_lance1
Pairing: Joey/Lance
Classification: Dark humor.  Slashfic
Rating: PG-13 for a few naughty words and references
to pretty men who love other pretty men.

Disclaimer/Author's Notes: Wouldn't it be nice if
*Nsync really did exchange VD's with their loved ones?
 Wait that came out wrong.   Oh, well, it's fiction.

Same universe as "The Secret Marriage."

As for the Mrs. Swan reference, I'm not trying to be
offensive - I'm just relating every personal
experience I've had in Montebello.

Glossary: "Flip a bitch" is a West-Coastism for making
a U-turn.

Summary: Lance tries to surprise Joey for Valentine's
Day.  Tries to.  Obsession-compulsion is a bitch.

A shout out to Sammie, Cat and Jess for betaing.  And
to Darcy for figuring out the real inspiration behind
the story,  ;->

****************************

It was a typically sunny Angeleno winter's day.  A bit
breezier than normal.  But "breezy" in Los Angeles
meant "livable" in the rest of the country.  Lance
Bass had decided to risk being spotted and had taken
the top off his silver Prowler.  He had gone incognito
anyway, covering his eyes with his darkest shades and
covering his telltale spikes with the hood of his
sweater.  Joey had teased him earlier, saying he was
more like to be mistaken for the Unabomber than Lance
Bass.

Lance smiled as he sailed down the 101.  The guys were
recording parts of their latest album in LA, and
they'd broken for lunch.  Lance had stolen the
opportunity to be a mallrat and find Joey's
Valentine's Day gift.  It was the first Valentine's
Day they would spend together since they'd been
married the year before in Vermont.

Lance wasn't sure what he wanted to get Joey to
celebrate the holiday, though.  It wasn't Christmas
and it wasn't his birthday.  He wasn't sure what would
be appropriate without going over the top.  Or was it
okay to go over the top for one's first Valentine's?
At least they had already solidified plans.  Out of
all of LA's hotels, Joey most appreciated the rich
Hollywood history behind the Beverly Hills Hotel, and
they had agreed to spend a night cooped up within
grand old edifice, in a suite with a kitchen, where
they could cook for each other and shut out the rest
of the world for just one night.  But the hotel room
was a gift they'd chipped in for together, and Lance
had been wracking his brain to find something unique
to express his affection.

Then he'd seen Them.

The Hallmark Kiss Kiss Bears.

Hallmark had been running a commercial featuring two
guys trying to impress the same girl.  One had brought
a life-size teddy bear to her front door.  He gave it
to her and was rewarded with a warm hug.  He scoffed
at his rival, who'd only brought two little teddy
bears for his girl.  But then *that guy* presented his
bears to her and brought them together.  They attached
magnetically at the nose... just like a kiss.  One
could see only the woman's eyes above the joined
bears, but that was enough to know which of the two
suitors she'd chosen.

Lance decided he had to have a set of those bears.
Two bears to signify him and Joey.  Forever joined.
They were adorable.  And perfect.

Lance had had *Nsync's assistant, Lauren, call around
to every Hallmark store in the immediate area.  Lauren
had given Lance a dubious look when he'd asked her to
find the bears - he wasn't sure why.  But she shrugged
and made the calls anyway.

Unfortunately, everyone had the same idea.  All the
Kiss Kiss bears sold out immediately, and the factory
had no more to send.   Finally, however, Lauren was
successful with the last store she called in a suburb
of LA called Montebello.  There was one more set left,
and they would gladly hold it for Lance.

Lance pulled into the parking lot of the Montebello
Town Center.  He could have sent Lauren to get the
bears, but he wanted to hold them and see them gift
wrapped himself.  Lance smiled and whistled as he
entered the mall.  He was so excited he couldn't help
but daydream about the night ahead.

As soon as he stepped foot inside the mall, however,
he began to wish he'd sent his assistant ahead after
all.  No one had warned him that Montebello was
clearly a predominately Latino and Asian suburb.  Not
that there was anything *wrong* with that.  But Lance
wasn't used to being minority, and he stuck out in the
huge mall like a sore thumb.  He tightened his hood
around his head and walked a little more quickly so he
could finish his business as quickly as possible.

Lance found the Hallmark store and waited in line.
He'd become even more self-conscious because people
were staring at him, and he prayed it wasn't because
they recognized him.  He finally reached the counter
and told the woman, whose voice and mannerisms to his
amusement reminded him of Mrs. Swan on Mad TV, that he
was picking up a set of Kiss Kiss bears.

"Oh, sorry.  We sold out."

"Yes, I know.  I called ahead, and they're being held
for me.  Can you look under James?"

"Ah, James, yes."  The cashier pulled a slip from
under the counter on which someone had scribbled his
first name.  "We sell them already."

"What?  What do you mean?!"

"You see, we hold for you, but you not come quickly
enough.  A man come in and offer more than what
they're worth.  So we sell bears to him."

"Huh?!"  Lance furrowed his eyebrows.  "How can you do
that?  Besides, we- I just called this morning!  How
much more quickly did you need me to get here?!"

"Ah, yes, sorry."  The woman smiled sweetly.  "Nice
man.  He pay cash.  Much more than what they're
worth-"

"Yes, we've established that already," Lance
interrupted.  "I just drove down here from Hollywood.
What am I supposed to do now?"

"There are some other bears - they stick too.  Over
there."  Lance frowned, but walked in the direction of
the woman's pointed finger.  Sure enough, there were
more magnetic bears.  But they were not *those* bears.
 They stuck together at the paws.  Lance had seen
*that* before.  They weren't the real thing.  They
weren't Kiss Kiss bears.

Lance sighed.  It wouldn't do to make a scene.
Thoroughly annoyed, he left the store and returned to
his car, with no idea what he would buy Joey now.  He
phoned Lauren and told her what happened.  She
apologized.

"It's not your fault.  Clearly they'd taken my name
down.  Damn, if I'd known, I'd have had you offer more
than whatever this jackass offered."

 Lauren tried to lighten the mood.  "How do you know
he's a jackass?  It's the store's fault."

"He's a jackass because he stole Joey's present."
Lance answered, allowing himself a slight smile.  "Can
you call some other stores?  Maybe we can get someone
to ship out a pair."

"Sure.  Although, maybe I can think of something else
you can get him..."

"Yeah, that's Plan B.  Let's not give up on this just
yet, though."

Within 10 minutes, Lauren called Lance back.  "Okay,
if you can get to Del Amo, like *right* now, you can
get these bears they've been holding for someone who
never picked them up."

Lance burned rubber flipping a bitch on the road and
followed Lauren's instructions to Del Amo.

When he got to that Hallmark, the bears had just been
sold to someone who'd brushed past Lance as he was
leaving.  Lance cursed to himself as he left the
store.  His eye caught the store banner for the Kiss
Kiss bears and swore at that too.  Then he stopped.
His eyes trailed to a large set of bears, bears almost
as big as Lance himself, nuzzling each other at the
nose.  Lance excitedly ran back into the store.

"Those bears-" he began.  "The display bears in the
window.  Are they magnetic like the little ones?"

The cashier nodded.  "But those aren't for sale.
Those are the only ones we have."

Lance flapped his arms at his sides in frustration.
"What are you keeping them for?  The bears are sold
out."

"But that's the only Valentine's display we have. We
have to keep them until the 14th, and then we're
giving it to the employee of the month."

"Oh."  Then, remembering his experience in Montebello,
Lance had an idea.  "What if I offered you a thousand
dollars for those bears?"

The cashier raised an eyebrow.  "I don't know if we
could take any money for them, sir."

"Two thousand."

The cashier pursed her lips.  "I'd sell it to you, but
it's not up to me, and the manager's not here."

"When will she be back?"

The cashier gave him a card.  "Name's Carla.  Call
back after lunch.  I'm sure she'll work out something.
 Oh, and, can you make sure you mention my name?  We
work on commission."

Lance nodded absent-mindedly, not really hearing her.
He was already walking out the door, card and cell
phone in hand, calling Lauren with the details.

"Okay, this time, I'll let you get them for me.  I'll
give you my credit card, and we'll be done with this."

Later that afternoon, Lauren called Lance from Del Amo
during a break at the studio.  "They won't let me use
your credit card.  Even with the copy of your ID.
They need a note from you."

Lance rolled his eyes into the phone.  "Well, what's
the fax number?  I'll send one right now."

"Yeah, that's the thing.  They don't have a fax
machine and none of the stores around here do either.
Well, that's what they said anyway.  They don't seem
to believe that a man would give me his Platinum
American Express card and tell me to go charge a
couple of bears on it.  I think you're going to have
to come back here."

Lance quietly walked to the nearest wall and banged
his head on it.
"You okay, hon?"  Joey looked over, worried.

"I'm fine.  Ignore me."  Damn it, why couldn't this be
easy?  "Okay," he told Lauren.  "Tell them I'll be
down there later and whatever they do, *don't sell
it*!"

"Okay.  But are you *sure* you don't want me to look
for something else, Lance?  You really might want to
consider a different gift.  I've seen a lot of nice
things at the mall and you can get this all out of the
way."

Why did she keep insisting that he get something else?
 "No, not yet," he told her firmly.

That evening, Lance called the store to make sure the
bears were still there.  He braved the cut-offs and
road rage typical to rush hour traffic in Los Angeles
to pick them up.  As he got closer to the store, the
tension in his shoulders was easing as he knew he'd
finally be finished with this ordeal.

Just as Lance, entered the store, he was almost
knocked over by a taller, stockier man carrying two
large bears.  The Kiss Kiss bears were no longer in
the display.

"Hey, hey, HEY!"  Lance yelled.  "Those are *my*
bears.  I'm buying them.  They were held for me!"

The larger man looked down at Lance from behind the
massive bears and frowned.  "Don't think so, dude.  My
grandma just picked them out and they're going with
us."

Lance finally snapped.  He yelled at the clerk
helplessly watching the scene unfold.  "Are you going
to let this happen?!  I hold *you* personally
responsible!"  He turned to the man, whom he'd
silently dubbed Meathead.  "Grandma, my ass.  What are
you going to do, sell it on Ebay?"

As if on cue, a tiny elderly woman appeared from
behind her grandson.  Lance sighed.  His patience was
ebbing, but he decided to turn on the Southern charm
and appeal to the older woman.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I came by earlier today, and I
spoke with the manager.  It was already arranged.
This would mean so much to me and my hu-"  Lance
caught himself.  "Girlfriend.  She's had her mind set
on these dolls.  I can't break her heart.  Surely
there's another mall where you can find the same
ones."

The old woman gave Lance a frown similar to the one
Meathead was giving him.  "Then I suggest you go to
that other mall and get your own.  We got here first."

"I beg your pardon, ma'am, but that's not-"

"You've got some nerve, young man, trying to steal
toys from a helpless old lady.  I live on nothing but
a pension.  My pride and joy tries to make my last
days happier, and you try to deny me what little I've
got."

"No, ma'am, I didn't mean-"  Lance was now embarrassed
on top of being steamed.  She didn't look that
destitute at all.  And besides, it was *his* bears he
was stealing.  No- he wasn't stealing them at all.
Damn it.  Now she had him confused.

"If my husband were here, God bless his soul, he'd
teach you a lesson.  I don't know what's gotten into
you youth today.  Come on, Aloysius.  We need to get
home in time to catch "Wheel of Fortune."  She pushed
her grandson ahead of her.

"Aloysius," Lance muttered to himself.  "Who still
names their kid Aloysius?"  That was the last thing he
said before everything went dark.

*****************************************

Lance came to in a holding cell, under the darkening
glare of Johnny Wright.  "James Lance Bass. What were
you thinking?  Accosting an elderly woman over a
*doll*?"

"Two," Lance corrected him.  His eye stung - what was
that about?  Slowly, the memory came to him.
Apparently his voice carried louder than he'd intended
it to.  "And I didn't accost her.  Her grandson's the
one who slammed his fist in my face."

"Well, that's not the story they're telling.  Someone
found your wallet and clearly they've got the
proverbial case of dollar signs in their eyes.  But
you're lucky.  They're not going to press charges."

"Good, they shouldn't-"

"PROVIDED," Johnny interrupted, "you sign some
autographs for their family."

"What?!  I'm not going to give them autographs.  They
stole my dolls, gave *me* the black eye, and now I
have to kiss their asses too?"

"Look, Lance.  You don't need a reputation for beating
up on old ladies.  Or getting beaten up by old ladies,
however they'd decide to spin the story.  Sign a few
autographs, and we'll be done with this."

Lance sighed.  Then he brightened.  "Did they specify
*how* I'm supposed to sign them?"

Johnny shrugged.  "Well, no."

Lance grinned evilly to himself.  He'll sign his name,
alright.  Along with a few other choice words.

The next day, Lance went into the studio with his
newly-acquired swollen eye.  Neither he nor Johnny
would answer any of the worried inquiries about it.
Finally, the others, even Joey, left Lance to his
obviously foul mood.

Johnny implored Lance, just like Lauren, to forget
about the bears and get Joey a box of chocolates or
something, because Lord knows he'd appreciate them
just as much if not more.  But now Lance was on a
mission.  He could feel the Taurean stubbornness
rising within him.  Somehow since the fracas from the
night before, he'd managed to convince himself that
the harder he worked to get those damn bears, the more
Joey deserved him. A line from an Offspring song ran
through his head, "The more you suffer, the more it
shows you really care."

A rational voice inside Lance's head was telling him
that the blow to his head had obviously made him
delirious, but he slapped down the thought.  He
couldn't give up.  He was officially obsessed with
those Kiss Kiss bears and we would have them at
whatever cost.

For the next two days, Lance searched on the internet
and called and every Hallmark store in the Southland
looking for those dang bears.  Even while he was
recording, he was thinking about the list of stores
he'd printed off his laptop and had meticulously
ticked off one by one.

He had almost gotten another pair earlier that week,
but he'd gotten into a skirmish with another man
trying to buy them for his girlfriend.  They ended up
ripping one of the bears apart in a tug of war and
paying for them anyway.  The manager offered to let
either of them take the bears home if they wanted to
have them patched up.  Lance politely declined.  These
bears had to be flawless.

Everywhere he looked Lance saw Kiss Kiss bears.  They
kept running the commercial even though they were sold
out.  He was being mocked, he was sure of it.  He saw
people with wrapped boxes in their hands, imagining
they held stuffed magnetic bears for some other
person's loved one, and not his.   He swore that the
store owners were purposely withholding those dolls
from him.  They'd all conspired to keep the first
Valentine's Day with his love from being a joyous
occasion.

He even dreamt about bears.  He dreamt about finding
them, but then opening the box on Valentine's Day and
finding magnetic toads instead.  He dreamt that he
couldn't find any and Joey was disappointed with his
lack of ingenuity.  He dreamt of being suffocated by
an avalanche of bears.  Each day grew closer to
February 14, Lance grew more frantic.   Other people
were going to get exactly what they wanted for
Valentine's Day.  What about his Joey?

Meanwhile, Lance was not being nice to those around
him.  He yelled at Lauren for suggesting *again* that
he get something else.  He caught himself snarling at
his bandmates when they asked him how he was doing or
tried to get him to pay attention to the songs they
were recording.

"Dude, I'll be glad when you stop PMS'ing," Justin
muttered at him.  Chris rolled his eyes and JC swatted
the younger man on the back of the head.   Lance
muttered an apology, saying he was stressed out over
prepping for "On the Line."  It was true, sort of.  By
then he had managed to relate even the upcoming movie
to his Valentine's woes.  What if Joey got him
something spectacular and his present didn't match up?
 What if Joey became disappointed or hurt?  What if
that caused tension between them?  What if Joey left
him for a more caring model?  What if Lance died
penniless and 50 pounds overweight with no one to love
him just like Stuart Smalley?

Maybe he *should* stop worrying and just get Joey that
cute pair of Superman boxers he'd seen at Hot Topic.
After all, it was the thought that counted.  Lance
shook his head.  No.  Bears.  That was the solution.
The answer to life was in those Kiss Kiss bears.

"Earth to Lance.  You missed your cue," came the
producers' voice over the headphones.

"Sorry."  Lance concentrated on the job at hand and
tabled all thoughts of bears, magnetic or otherwise.
For the time being.

*****************************************

Finally, the Sunday before Valentine's Day, Lance
found a store in Bakersfield, a little podunk in the
armpit of California almost 200 miles outside of Los
Angeles that still had the display bears.  Lance
jumped in his car that morning, intent on buying those
bears if he had to stalk someone and kill him.  Lance
made the trip in record time, acquiring three speeding
tickets in the process.  By then the CHP had him on
alert.  But he didn't care.  He was nearing the end of
his quest, and that's all that mattered.

Lance screeched into the parking lot of the
Bakersfield mall.  He walked past into the Sears, past
the men's clothing, past the jewelry section, past the
makeup counter, past the woman who spritzed cologne in
his face, and into the mall.  He saw nothing and no
one except for that yellow Gold Crown Hallmark sign at
the other side of the building.

Lance stomped into the Hallmark, and, not even
realizing that he had shoved a woman aside,
triumphantly plopped $5000 in hundred dollar bills on
the counter.

"$5000 in CASH!"  Lance shouted at the top of his
lungs.  "CASH!  Not a credit card.  No assistant to
deal with anymore of this bullcrap.  You see those
bears?  I'm taking them home.  Right NOW.  No one is
going to stop me.  I don't care if those bears have
been dragged through the mud and only have one eye
left.  They're *mine* and I'M TAKING THEM HOME!!"  And
with that, Lance stepped into the display window
himself and stumbled out of the Hallmark with the two
enormous bears in tow.  "MINE!"

The manager, the cashiers and the rest of the patrons,
watched in stunned silence.

"Dude, what was that?" someone said.

"You know those rich folks.  A little on the eccentric
side."

"S'all right with me," said the manager, counting the
bills.  "No one wanted them.  I would have given them
to him for free."

*****************************************
Valentine's night, Lance and Joey had just finished
feeding each other dessert and champagne in their
suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel.  They wrapped their
arms around each other and kissed.  It was finally
time to open each other's gifts.

"I want to open yours first."  Lance said.  His heart
was beating so fast.  He couldn't wait to see the
delight in Joey's eyes.  He loved the way his eyes
became crescent moons when he was happy.

"Okay.  Here."

It was a medium sized box.  Lance shook it, smiling.

"Aw, just go ahead and open it."  Joey told him,
impatiently, but still smiling.

Lance tore at the ornately decorated box.  Was it
clothes?  Sex toys?  That seemed like a Joey gift.
Whatever, he knew he'd love it.  It was awfully light.
 Maybe there was a box within a box - maybe it was
jewelry.  But he already had a commitment ring.  The
box was finally open, and Lance tossed wads of tissue
paper out of the box and revealed Joey's present.
Lance's smile froze.

In the box were two Kiss Kiss bears.  The little ones.


Joey excitedly reached into the box and raised the two
bears to Lance's eye level and brought them together,
just like in the commercial.

"See?  It's the Kiss Kiss bears - haven't you seen
them?  I thought you'd like them.  I saw that
commercial and thought of you immediately.  And you
wouldn't believe the hell I went through trying to
find them.  They're sold out everywhere!  I had Lauren
call every mall in Southern California and finally she
ended up finding the last pair in Montebello!  Can you
believe that?!  I think I was the only white person
within a 10-mile radius.  I paid a ton for them.  But
it's all worth it to see the look in your eyes.
Lauren's so good at keeping a secret."  Joey chuckled
and placed the bears back in the box.  "So, come on.
I wanna open your gift now.  What'd you get me?  Hon,
what's wrong?"

Lance only gritted his teeth in response.  February
14th would be a certain assistant's last day on Earth.
 And Fatone was going to be spending the rest of his
life, if not the rest of eternity, making this one up
to him.

FINIS

=====
Lance Bass: "Can we edit this so it looks like I'm smart?"
Jay Leno: "I don't think we can do that much editing."

"Yea, verily, this sucks." - Christopher in "Idle Pleasures"

Parlance's *NSYNC Fan Fiction:
http://www.geocities.com/par_lance1