Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:32:02 -0500
From: joey miller <pandora0071@lycos.com>
Subject: 'Learning how to Fly'     Sequel, Part III

LEARNIING HOW TO FLY
The Sequel, Part III
~ Without You I'm Nothing ~

Hello all. This is it. The last part of Dragonfly, once and for all. As
always, comments, praise and criticism are appreciated and should be sent
to Pandora0071@lycos.com. Thanks.

Disclaimer: This story is purely fiction and in no way represents the true
beliefs/opinions/sexualities of the celebrities mentioned.  If you are
underage or accessing material of this kind is illegal where you live, lock
the door or butt out.

***

"I
Take the plan, spin it sideways
I
Fall
Without you I'm nothing
Without you I'm nothing
Without you I'm nothing
Take the plan, spin it sideways
Without you I'm nothing at all"

(lyrics by Placebo, `Without You I'm Nothing')


	He formed his decisions on the plane, in the short moments of
consciousness that interrupted the long procession of unsettling dreams. He
felt sick and wasn't sure if it was from the turbulence or from his guilty
conscience. Whenever he was awake he became agitated and walked up and down
the isle until he felt tired and dizzy again and returned to his seat to
fall back into restless sleep. Despite this, he wished that he could stay
on the plane forever, distant and removed from the mess he had created. He
had no solutions and he was frightened. The things that had happened in the
surreal hours between midnight and morning, and the conversation he had had
with Brian before leaving had opened his eyes about many things. He knew
that his relationship with Colin was in danger and had been so for quite a
while. But he also knew that he loved him more than anyone else in the
world. He had no idea what it would take to fix things, and he feared that
with his confessions would finish things off before they'd get the chance
to work them out. For this much was sure: he would have to tell Colin about
the last night.
	When the plane finally touched down, he felt as though he had been
painfully ripped out of a dream and pulled back into reality. Everything
seemed overly real to him, the colors blinded him, the noise of people
talking around him was deafening. His senses were so incredibly acute that
it was almost painful. He carried his bag to the exit and caught a cab
outside the airport. Once he was on his way, he fingered his pocket to get
out his cell phone, but then decided not to call Colin. He wanted to
postpone confrontation for as long as possible.

***
	When Colin woke up, he thought he was in the wrong room. Then he
realized he was only on the wrong side of the bed. Confused and puzzled, he
turned around. The other side of the bed looked rumpled and slept-in, but
was empty. As he slowly tried to collect his thoughts, memories from last
night came back disjointed and blurry, like a slide show where the slides
had been shuffled and rearranged. A scrap of paper on the nightstand caught
his eye and he fumbled for his glasses, then reached for the paper.
	Colin, I enjoyed last night and I hope it will not cause you too
much trouble. I know about your boyfriend and I probably should not have
tempted you. Take care of yourself. Heather.
	With a loud groan he pulled the blanket over his head, the note
crumbled up in his closed fist. What had he been thinking? `You weren't
thinking at all' he reminded himself and groaned again. He was dissatisfied
in his relationship, he had felt lonely and reckless and confused and yes,
he had always wanted to find out what the other side was like. But all of
this would sound ridiculous when put forward as an excuse or justification
for cheating. Nothing could excuse or justify his behaviour. He was
frightened.

***
	By the time he put his key in the lock and turned it around, he
felt dizzy and wired and he wished there was some way he could forego all
conversation and crawl straight into his bed. The cab had had to stop a
couple of feet up the street and he'd hurried back to his apartment through
the rain, his collar pulled high, his shoulders hunched. Now he was
drenched and the weight of the clammy clothes on his skin only added to the
feeling of unease that refused to leave him.
	The door opened before he had the chance to turn the knob. Colin
stood before him, his clothes rumpled, his hair messy, bags underneath his
eyes. Something was off. Nick dropped his luggage carelessly in the hallway
and hugged his boyfriend. Burying his face in Colin's shoulder, tears
stinging in his eyes. After a while he calmed down again and took a step
back. He watched as Colin took in his appearance and he knew that he looked
frightful as well. The dim light in the hallway did little to conceal his
disheveled looks. He felt bare and surreal and wet and tired and before
either of them could utter their first word, Nick picked up his bag again
and fled to the bedroom. With a few minutes delay, Colin followed.
	Nick was curled up on the still unmade bed, hugging his knees to
his chest and burying his head in the sheets. He could feel the mattress
shifting as Colin sat down and he shook his head.
	"Don't touch me, Colin." He whispered. "There are things you need
to know first." He stayed in his position because he could not stand to
look at Colin. Keeping his eyes firmly shut, he started to speak in a low
monotone.
	"Brian and I had a talk and it turns out that he was so freaked out
because I made him feel insecure when I came out. He began to question his
own sexuality and naturally felt a bit confused. It was really getting to
him. Even Leighanne began to notice that something was wrong and when he
told her she got furious and moved out. He'd never tried anything with a
guy though and still wasn't sure about anything. So when I was there we
fell asleep on the couch and when we woke up there was this chemistry
between us and before I knew what was going on we were making out." Nick
paused. Because he did not know how to go on and because he wanted to hear
a reaction from Colin. When it finally came, it was delivered in an icy
tone, made hard by barely contained anger.
	"What happened then?" Colin asked. Nick squeezed his eyes shut.
	"I went down on him." He waited for the explosion and when nothing
happened, he uncurled himself and turned around. Colin sat unmoved, his
eyes focused somewhere in outer space.
	"Please say something!" Nick begged.
	"I suppose that must have been a very convincing argument in favor
of preserving your friendship?" The tone was acrid and dripping with
sarcasm.
	"I ... dammit, Colin! It wasn't like that!"
	"Yeah, well, I don't care to know what it was like." With that he
walked out.

	The door slammed shut and Nick stared at it in disbelief. Rage and
fury overcame him and he grabbed a pillow and tossed it at the door, then
another one. He was about to wad up the sheet and send it flying, too, when
a crumbled up piece of paper caught his eye. He reached for it and unfolded
it. He read it once, twice, then a third time. And then he started to
laugh.

	Nick took a long, hot shower, then changed into drier
clothes. Feeling warm and altogether more human, he wandered into the
living room where Colin was hiding behind a book. He walked over and
dropped the note in his lovers lap.
	"You have some nerve, you know. Getting angry because I slept with
Brian and neglecting to tell me that you spent the night screwing some
random girl. Who is Heather, anyway?" Colin sighed.
	"She moved into the apartment above us last week."
	"Oh, right. So as a welcome gift you presented yourself?"
	"You're in no position to talk." Colin shouted.
	"Well, you ain't either!" Nick yelled back. "But at least I told
you. And it was someone I know, someone I have a history with. Not some
random hit-and-run."
	"And that makes all the difference." Nick nodded.
	"It does, dammit. I mean, here I was driving myself insane with
guilt and figure out how to tell you and you didn't even see it fit to say
something." Sighing and rubbing his temples, Colin tried to think of
something to say.
	"I wanted to forget about it, Nick."
	"Oh right, yes, I see that." Nick said in mock
understanding. "Well, there better not be something else you wanted to
forget about, or else I'll forget about this relationship."

	The last part of Nick's sentence shocked them both into
silence. They stared at each other across the room, feeling part angry and
hurt, part guilty.
	"That's what this is about, isn't?" Colin whispered. "Not Heather
or Brian or cheating, it's about us and the fact that we don't know what
`us' is anymore." Nick sank to the floor and leaned his back to the wall,
burying his head between his knees.
	The rain was drumming against the window in a steady rhythm,
interrupted every once in a while by the low rumble of thunder. The light
of the streetlamp drew patters with the raindrops on the glass, the yellow
glow breaking off into a million different angles.
	No other noise was heard as they both sat in silence, lost in their
own thoughts, unsure what to do next. When the clock struck midnight, Colin
rose and gathered his bed things, taking them to the couch. Too hurt to say
anything, Nick retreated to their bedroom. Not even bothering to undress he
lay in the darkness, staring blankly at the ceiling.  Thoughts played catch
in his mind, swirling too fast for him to keep up, much less reach some
sort of conclusion. He felt as though he was floating, completely
disconnected from himself and his life.
	The creaking of the floorboards in the hallway took him by surprise
and he sat up, staring blindly at the door, blinking. The door opened and
Colin's shadow was outlined by the light in the hallway. He remained in the
doorway.
	"Why did you do it?" He asked. His voice was husky and tainted only
by sadness.
	"We ran out of words." Was the first thing that came to Nick's
mind. It was the truth, he realized, but would he make Colin understand? No
reply came from the shadow in the doorway, and Nick continued, speaking
more to himself than Colin.
	"We didn't know how to sort things out verbally because we had lost
our connection, the bond between us. It wasn't so much sex in a physical
sense as much as a way to salvage something that we had lost somewhere
along the lines. And when we talked about it later he said he now knows
that his place is with women. He's straight. There is nothing between us
but friendship." Colin shook his head slowly. Taking his cue, Nick asked,
	"And why did you do it?" Communication was becoming easier, he
realized. This afternoon he'd felt as though he'd been treading on thin
eyes, ready to break through and fall into icy water at any second. Now the
ground was firmer again.
	"When you left I started to think about things, about the path
we've been taking lately and I grew dissatisfied and became afraid that I'd
lose you and it all seemed so vast and dangerous to me that I shut my mind
off completely. And Heather gave me this opportunity to flee into oblivion
by doing something I had never done before. It was a way to feel less
myself, or to be another version of myself. Only it didn't work. It was
more like an experiment where you mix two chemicals to see how they react
together and it is sort of interesting but ultimately not very exciting and
you don't really feel like ever doing it again. And I realized that the
part of me that's real is the part that loves you. No matter what." He fell
silent and moved towards the bed. Nick reached for Colin's hands, pulling
him close and enveloping him in his arms.
	"There are many things we need to fix." Nick whispered in his ear.
	"But I love you and I am ready and willing to work things out. "
	"Yes." Colin agreed. "It's about time we take this to the next
level."

***

THE END.
Once and for all, sadly.
Hope you enjoyed my little flight of fancy.
Check back in. Sooner or later, I'll be back with another story.
joey