Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 14:00:54 -0700
From: Denzil Cuddy <D_Cuddy@email.msn.com>
Subject: Love and Longing  Installment two.

Hey people!  Here is part two.  I would just like to thank everyone who
sent e-mail in response to part one.  It means a LOT to me, and I really
appreciate it.  So keep sending feedback, let me know how I am doing.  On
with the show.

I do not know Nsync, or any other famous characters that may or may not
wind up in my story.  Don't sue me, I have no money.  hehe.  If you should
not read this, don't.  If you don't like homosexual themes how the hell did
you get here!?  Oh well, nuff said.  E-mail me!!


I followed Lance into his house.  I could not stop my eyes from wandering
down to his nice little bottom.  I blushed at the act of checking out one
of my best friends.  My mind was attempting to wander off on little
tangents, and I had to focus to keep from getting lost in my daydreams.
When Lance came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs I almost ran into
him.  I reached out to steady myself, and placed my hand on his shoulder.
I think he jumped a little at the contact.  He turned around to face me
with this quirky little smile playing at the corner of his lips.

"You can have the guest room, upstairs second door on the left.  The
bathroom, is right next door, and my room is just after that."  He says in
his wonderfully deep voice.  He then does that little giggle that I find so
perfect for him.  "I guess you know that though.  You have been here before
after all."

"Yeah, but it has been a while."  I say as I start to walk up the steps.
"I haven't ever spent the night, so thanks for telling me.  Oh, and thanks
for having me over, I was not looking forward to spending the night all
alone.  By the way here."  I hold out one of the two brown bags I have been
carrying.  "It's a bottle of wine for you, well for us, and a couple of
cheesy horror movies I picked up for tonight."

As he takes the bag from me his fingers brush mine.  I think they linger
for a moment longer than is really necessary.  Lance has a bit of a blush
on his smooth pale cheeks.  My heart does a little flip flop, as my mind
goes into overdrive.  I am more confused and scared than before.  Is Lance
flirting with me?

"Thanks JC, I'm sure the wine will help the evening along nicely."  His
grin is back in full force as he says this.  "You know I hate horror
movies, so you have to swear to protect me if we watch them."

His eyes are so beautiful as he says this.  The depth of the color, as
always, takes my breath away.  There is a simplicity of form about his
face, around his entire form.  It is quite striking to me, even after all
the years of knowing him.  My mind swirls with emotion and confusion.  Is
Lance flirting with me?

"Of course Lance, I will do all that I can.  We will stay up and drink the
wine and talk.  Watch the movies and just be crazy until all the monsters
go away.  I wouldn't let anything happen to you James."  I smile at him as
he smiles up at me.  I pull away and turn up the stairs.  This is driving
me insane.  I need to know the truth, but I am too afraid of what it might
be.

I feel like laughing and crying at the same time as I walk into my room.
The emotions are swirling inside of me.  I really had it bad for Lance.  He
seemed to be flirting back with me, or was I just seeing what I wanted to
see in the situation.  I didn't want to destroy the friendship, but I
wanted something more, I wanted the friendship to evolve.  I wanted him to
love me, the way that I was beginning to realize that I loved him.

I pulled off my socks and shoes and took a moment to look at myself in the
mirror.  I smiled at myself, and pushed the hair back off of my forehead.
My nose it too big.  That is all I can think as I look in the mirror.  My
anxiety doubles as I can not see how someone as wonderful as Lance could be
interested in someone with such an ugly nose.  Everyone has something they
hat about themselves.  Some feature or characteristic that is really not
bad at all, but that sticks out in their minds like some hideous
monstrosity of nature.  My nose is like that to me.

I finally stop worrying and head back down the stairs.  Lance is sitting on
the huge light brown over stuffed leather sofa.  He looks so relaxed, like
some add you would see in a furniture magazine.  I plop down on the
opposite end of the sofa.

"I was wondering if you got lost up there or what.  What took you so long?"
He asks as he flips through the channels on the television in front of us.

"Oh, you know.  I had to admire my room, and then I had to stare at myself
in the mirror for a few minutes.  I guess all the publicity about my good
looks is finally going to my head."  I smile as a blush creeps onto my
cheeks.

"Oh, is that all.  That is why I have so many mirrors in the house, can't
get enough of myself."  Lance says as he picks up the phone.  "So, you like
supreme pizzas right?"  He asks as he dials the phone.

"Yep, everything but anchovies.  Oh, and get some breadsticks with sauce.
Love those things!"  I say as I pull my feet up behind me.  The only way to
sit on a couch.  "Lance, I'm going to fix something to drink.  Do you want
anything?"  I say as I stand.

Lance holds his hand up in a waiting gesture.  I stand and stare down at
his soft blond hair as he finishes the order and stands up.

"Cool, I have Dr. Pepper, and I went out and bought some Diet Coke, cause I
know how much you like it."  He says as we walk to the kitchen.

"Thanks man, that is so cool of you.  You didn't have to do that."

"I know I didn't have to.  I wanted you to have a good time, and it wasn't
that big of a deal.  Besides I have grown rather fond of diet coke myself.
Thanks to you, of course."

Lance pours us each a tall glass of diet coke.  I swear diet coke is more
addictive than cigarettes and probably most drugs.  There is just something
perfect about it.  No calories, and a simple but robust taste.  I go
through withdraws if I don't have my fix on a regular basis.  I smile as I
take a long cold drink.

We spend a few minutes sitting and talking.  Lance and I have so much in
common it is amazing.  It is nice to just chat with him without the other
guys around, or a mob of fans.  It is nice to be relaxed in his house, just
hanging together.  The doorbell chimes and Lance jumps up to go get the
pizza.  I walk over and take the box from him and let him carry the pizza
sticks.

We grab a couple of slices each and start the first movie.  It is an old
movie, really cheesy, and fantastic.  It is called Night of the Demons.  I
love these kinds of movies, Lance does too, but he gets a little jumpy
afterwards.

"Oh, man!"  Lance says as one of the characters puts her hands in the fire.
Lance makes this weird little face and slides down the couch next to me.
"Dude, this movie is crazy!  I love it, but I am not sitting way down there
by myself."

"Oh, poor little Lancey poo."  I say as I slide my arms around his
shoulders.  To my surprise he snuggles back and sighs in contentment.  My
heart jumps with joy.

"You know Josh we are going to have to do this more often.  I don't mind
watching horror movies when you are around."  Lance says idly as some one
is decapitated on the television screen.  We both chuckle at the incredibly
bad special effects.

"You know, I love watching horror movies with you Lance."  I say as I give
him a little squeeze.  "You don't get all screamy and excited like the
other guys.  You are just cool."

"Josh, why didn't you go with the others tonight?"  He says as he sits up
and looks at me.  He has a serious intent look on his face.

"I don't like going out all the time.  Don't get me wrong, it's fun on
occasion, but they do far too often."  I see a bit of a smile on his face.
"Besides, I would much rather be here with you.  I enjoy a little down
time.  It's nice to relax with someone you care about."

Lance has this big smile on his face now.  Did I just tell Lance I cared
about him?  I gulp down my fear at this realization.  I blush a bit and
then decide to charge on ahead.

"Lance, I think it is time to open that bottle of wine."  I say as we both
stand and walk to the kitchen.

Lance grabs a couple of glasses out of the cabinet and I open the bottle.
We then make our way back to the couch and I fill each of the glasses up.
I notice Lance is sitting rather close to me.  I can feel the heat of his
body, as we both sip the wine.

"Lance, why did you invite me over tonight?"  After I ask this Lance takes
a large drink of his wine.  He is flushed already, I realize I am too.
Neither Lance nor I are big drinkers so it doesn't take long to feel the
affects.

"Well, I didn't want to be alone."  He says as he smiles and looks down at
his hands.  "I wanted to spend some time with you Josh.  We always chat
when we are together as a group, but I never get to see you one on one.  I
want you Josh, I mean...um, that is I want to get to know you."

The room is full of tension.  I can feel it and I know Lance can feel it.
I don't know what to say or do next.  I feel torn in so many different
directions.  I want to just watch the movie.  I also want to just tell
Lance the truth.  Silence, that is what is ringing in my ears, just
strained silence.  Suddenly there is a scream from the television.  We both
jump at the sudden sound, and start laughing.  We laugh like mad men for a
moment, and then I put my hand on Lances shoulder.  He looks at me and the
laughter dies in both of our throats.

"Lance, I have to tell you something."  I say, as I feel the tension
renewing itself.

"What is it Josh?"  His eyes sparkle as he looks at me with concern and
compassion etched on every centimeter of his face.

"Lance, please don't hat me.  I just have to tell you before I drive myself
crazy with doubt and question that I can't answer."  I look down at the
floor after I say this last part.

Lance places his finger under my chin.  His hand is so warm, and I just
thrill at this simple touch.  He raises my head so that we are staring into
each others eyes.  God, I love his eyes.

"Josh, I could never ever hate you.  Don't ever doubt the strength of our
friendship.  Tell me so that I can help you Josh."  His eyes are a little
misty.

"Lance, I'm...I'm not sure how to say this.  I guess the best way is to
just blurt it out like pulling off a band-aid.  Just get it over with."  I
stop as I realize that I am babbling.  "Lance, I'm gay."

His mouth drops open a little at the shock of the news.  He stares at me
and I can not take it.  I feel the tears sliding down my face.  I jump up
and run up the stairs.  I will not lose control in front of someone.  I
knew it would be a shock, I don't know what I was expecting but silence was
not it.  I was prepared for anything else, buttressed up for any other
response.  The silent shock was overpowering though.

I slammed the door to my room, as I try to catch my breath.  I have to get
out of here.  I can go back to Justin's house, I can't stay here.  Not with
Lance hating me downstairs.  Well, I don't actually think he hates me, but
I can't stand to be here.  I feel so exposed.  I have revealed a part of
myself that is usually hidden, kept deep inside of me.  I feel like
screaming. The knocking on my door causes me to jump.

"Josh, can I come in?"  It is, of course, Lance.  I look at the door and
wish he would just go away.

"Yeah, it's your house."  I finally say, when I realize he is not going to
just go away.

The door sings open and there stands Lance.  I can not help but wince and
look away as I think of how I have exposed myself.  I am supposed to be
strong and I can not be.  I look down at the bed, but I feel him walk over
and sit down beside me.

"I don't hate you Josh."  He says as he rubs his hand up and down my back.
It's so soothing.  "It just caught me by surprise.  It's amazing how you
can wish and fantasize about something for so long, and then when it
finally happens you are just completely unprepared for it."

My head jerks up as he says this.  There are tears in his perfect eyes now.
He is completely flushed, and his lips are trembling.  My heart is beating
so fast, I imagine it is going to go bursting from my chest in a moment.  I
stare at him.

"Lance, do you mean that you are um..."  I can not bring myself to complete
the question.  There is too much hope in me.  If I finish the question and
he gives the wrong answer I know that it will crush me.  I stare at him,
and wait for him to either bring my dreams to life, or crush me with the
truth.

"Yeah, Josh, I'm gay.  What's more I have had a crush on you for the
longest time."  He hastily wipes the tears from his face.  What a sight we
make, both sitting here crying and red faced.  "I know that you could not
possibly reciprocate my feelings, but I had to tell you after you told me."
He is staring at me intently, I feel trapped by those eyes.  "Say something
Josh!"

I lean forward, it feels like everything is going in slow motion.  My lips
touch his and my heart jumps.  My mind swirls, and my soul rejoices.  I
feel on fire, as if someone has just flipped the switch to turn me on.  As
if my life is just now beginning.

Lance's arms are around me, and mine are around him.  The taste and texture
of his lips, his tongue are just amazing.  I have found the love I have
been in so much need for.  Lance pulls away and it takes a moment for me to
open my eyes.  When I finally do, Lance is smiling at me with such force it
takes my breath away all over again.

"Am I dreaming?"  Lance finally asks as he holds his hand to his lips.

"No, you are not dreaming.  I think we have each just now woken up.  That
kiss was the most real think I have felt in the longest time."  I say as I
reach out and take his free hand in my own.  His fingers twine with mine,
and my heart jumps again.

"Josh, thank you.  Thank you for taking the chance and opening up to me
first.  I don't think I would have had the courage to do it.  Thank you for
bridging the gap that separated us."  Lance stand and I stand with him.  I
pull him into a hug.  There is no kiss this time, just a simple wonderful
hug.  "Josh, don't be mad, I enjoyed the kiss and all, and I want to kiss
you again, but I don't want to go any further just yet.  Is that o.k.?"
Lance asks as he grabs my shoulders and pushes me back so he can stare in
my eyes.

"That is fine Lance.  To be honest I don't think I am ready for anything
more just yet, but soon.  I will wait for you though."  I say as I smile at
him.

"Yeah, I think it will be soon, but we need to talk, and go out on a date
first." He says as we walk down the stairs to the living room.

I sit on the couch with my legs sprawled out in front of me, and Lance sits
between my legs and leans back against my chest.  I feel so at peace.  It
is hard to remember that just a few moments ago I wanted to go running from
the house.  Just a few moments ago I felt so vulnerable, and now I feel so
safe and content.  For the first time in a long time I feel at home in my
own skin.  I kiss the top of Lances head and he giggles.

"How long have you known JC?"  He asks after a moment.

"How long have I known that I was gay, or how long have I been falling for
you?"  I ask back.  I pick up my cup and take a drink of the wine.  Lance
takes the cup from me and takes a drink himself.

"Both, I guess."  He says as he sits the cup down on the coffee table.

"Well, I have always known that I was gay.  At first I just knew something
was different between me and my friends at school.  Then I noticed that I
liked to look at the guys.  While they were asking girls out, I wanted to
just hang with my buddies.  I realized I was gay around 12 or 13, and
started the Disney club thing shortly after.  I never had time to worry
about it until I met you.  Then I could not help but think about it.  I
finally realized how lonely I was when I met someone I wanted to be with."
I reach for the cup of wine and finish it off.  "What about you?"  I ask as
I wipe the excess moisture from my lips.

"Pretty much the same, well except for the Mickey Mouse Club bit.  I was so
lonely that I just sealed myself off from everyone.  My work and my family
became the most important things to me.  I think that is why I never really
got close to the other guys.  I couldn't, it hurt too much to see them,
when I wanted to be like them so much."  Lance sits up and grabs the bottle
of wine.  He takes a slug straight from the bottle and leans back into me.
"It hurts to talk about it."

"I know me too.  I think it is good that we share it with each other
though.  I know that you understand me and that I understand you.  I threw
myself into the work and so did you.  There is a reason they think of us as
the responsible ones.  Now, at least, we can be responsible together."  I
say as I take the bottle from him and take a swig myself.

We talk for most of the night.  Reliving old pains, and memories.  We
finish off the bottle of wine, and watch the other movie.  I don't know
when but I noticed that Lance had dozed off.  I kissed the top of his head
and let my own eye lids close.  We just barely missed the first rays of the
sun hitting the windows.


Well, that is the end of part two, write me and let me know what you think.
Was it a bit too cheesy, was it any good??  Let me know people!  Thanks.
DC