Date: Fri, 28 Jul 2000 04:13:33 EDT
From: JohnathanSwain@aol.com
Subject: Love's Greater Grace

This is a good old fashion love story there will be sex and it is Gay based
FICTION. I do not know the people portrayed in it and I probably never
will. If you're old enough to read this then so be, it read away. IF NOT
leave now or download it for later when you are old enough.

Tell me what you think johnathanswain@aol.com


Love's Greater Glance
By Jonathan Swain

     Looking back, I can see it all so clearly now. Love's greater glance
is what I like to think of it as. Sure it shows you the whole picture now
but it was not that way at the time. Trying to remember is the hardest
thing when you are at the end of the road fought for and won. You have
already traveled and the euphoria has already set in. I have learned my
lessons of not trusting. I have earned the trust of others. But, with one
blink of an eye it all can disappear if you are not true to yourself and
the ones you love. In all the happiness and sadness that a relationship can
bring I have learned so well the facts. I have learned to love weather in
good times or in bad. I have learned to hold him if he is happy or sad. I
have learned to make the choices no matter how unhappy they make me for a
short period. He is the reason I have happiness as I sit here writing this
to you now.

     Howie had made his mark he had made me believe in self-suffocation of
joy again. It was funny of all the guys in the group I would have never
guessed it would be him. I would have pegged Nick or Brain as being the Gay
ones of the groups. I would have never even made an attempt on either one
of those two in the first place. But now I know them and their individual
personalities and I am happy to say they are my friends. You see it was not
so long ago that I was the single one sitting in front of the computer
checking out the web sights and looking up photo's building shrines in
their honors. Now I am the one writing to you the builders and readers. I
get to finally tell someone how I felt and still feel to be near them and
having this close bond with him. Yes, they know I am writing this. I have
told them and they are supportive as long as I do not reveal every little
detail about them. But before we get to far into who they are perhaps you
would like to know a little about me first.

     First off, I have never written a piece of fiction or non-fiction like
this before. Take it or leave it this is my mind, trying to get the words
out to you from me. I am 23 years old living in Los Angeles California. I
am not a singer or a dancer and I consider myself good looking. And you
should know Howie does agree. He also says I am too modest but maybe just
maybe I will be able to write this out for you to get a better picture
later as I have so much to tell you. Right now, we are sitting on the Bus
yes the very same bus that carries the guys around on tour. We are sitting
here mainly because we are traveling again. Yes I said again. I am a 6 feet
tall Blond haired blue eyed and a heart full of joy if I don't say so
myself. But then again, from the look on Howie's face while he is reading
this, maybe I am not after all. Yes we are both sitting here, of course he
now gets to see my total reactions and thought about us here since he is
going to be helping me with the story. I can't wait to start writing so
here goes nothing. Or do I mean everything?

     About 9 months ago, I met them. Well, actually about 25 other people
and I met them. And unlike most fiction out there we did not immediately
hook- up. I met them. I got an autograph from Kevin first. I would have to
say he had always been the one to stir my curiosity. But today he just
didn't do it for me. I mean I walked up to the table we shook hands and he
signed nothing big. He didn't even say hello; he just signed and looked
back at the line behind me every once in a while. Actually, it was kind of
annoying. I had dedicated my life to advertising these guys on the web and
in news stories and they had not a clue or desire to even know who I was. I
bet they had even seen the Web site (Howie is shaking his head yes). But
over all none of them looked too interested in who we were standing there
making them work. I can't say as I blame them sure they love their fans but
who wants to get up early to go meet fans after they have had a late night
at a concert.

     Anyway, I stood there waiting for Kevin to finish his signing when he
suddenly looked up at me and grinned. He handed me back the CD and I head
on to the next heartthrob as I started to approach AJ, Kevin suddenly
leaned over. Now I am not one to get to overly curious but the look on AJ's
face from that moment on of signing my CD was interesting to say the
least. He was grinning from ear to ear as he handed me back the CD before I
could step over to Brain AJ leaned over to Brian and whispered
something. Now I started to get even more curious until Brian looked up at
me in confusion and then to Howie at his left side. I suddenly was even
more curious as I saw Howie jump in his seat. He was not happy as he went
to rubbing his shin and glaring at Brian. Brian stared at him for a few
moments until he made an upward head nod to direct Howie's attention
towards me. I was sure I was blushing now as I was being made a fool
of. Brian grinned at me as I stammered back and looked at Howie and then
back to Brian. I was not sure what to say or do suddenly as Nick started to
laugh at me from Howie's left-hand side. I reached out to grab the CD and
Brian slid back away from the table.

     I quickly retrieved my CD and made my way towards the main entrance to
the room I just couldn't take it anymore. As the CD landed in the trash
can, I heard a gasp come from the teenage girls standing in line. Here all
this time I had love them for their music and all the information I had
collected on them. Unfortunately, the fact was they were just like everyone
else I had included in my life, hurtful and mean. I stood there with the
door still held half opened in my hand taking one last glance at the
astonished looks on their faces. It was something that would stay with me
for a lifetime. I couldn't get the look on Howie's face out of my head as I
rushed across the hall to sound studio 12. I had been here before, I had
grown here, and this was my second home.

     As a child, I had spent a lot of time here this was the studio my
father had worked in for many years. Of course, it wasn't so long ago that
I had actually worked here myself. It was my first job in fact. But after
my father passed on, I had not wanted to assume his role any longer. My
parents had me late in life to begin with. I had only taken the job to gain
a common interest with my father in the first place. My Mother had passed
on several years back when I had been away on vacation with friends. My
father didn't have the heart to pull me from the trip. Instead he let me be
and we held the Funeral the day after I returned. She had been cremated so
over all there was no need for a rush. He just waited until all was settled
and his son could be with him.

     This was his studio when he was here; it had recently been rebuilt,
with my designs. Only now, it was modern and new, unlike my father who had
now passed on like some many of the aspects of this very room. I found
myself in a state of confusion and madness as I made my way to the control
booth. My father and I had spent a lot of time in here. It was here he
found out about me being gay, we had been working on sound bits for a local
radio station in this tiny room. In the old days, he would have never
continued to talk to me even if he was my father and I was his son. It was
unheard of; it wasn't normal for his generation, it didn't exist. Of
course, that was all an exaggerated cliche. I would have hidden away with
an entire generation of homosexuals that would never have flaunted it.  Yes
they existed but to him it would have still not been acceptable.

"I'm sorry I turned out this way Dad.  Don't know what to do. I guess I
will never be happy," I said as I cried over Frank a young man I had fallen
for and had been torn away from when he moved away.

"Son, one day you will fall in love. One day it will be there true and
clear. But, promise me one thing you will be careful for your own sake. I
want you to be happy, but I want you alive too." My father had shocked me
as he always did in my life. His compassion I would never forget. His love
I would never replace. He was my father and my most cherished possession.

     I sat alone in the dark for quite some time I had not even taken into
the fact that this stage may actually be serving some sort of a purpose
today. It had already been two hours since the incident when I looked at
the note board setting just to the right of the main control panel. Just as
I picked it up the door to the booth opened and closed quickly. Some one
had entered my serene world. My tears had all been dried and my eyes had
already turned back to their normal state of being. My hurt had subsided by
my taking my father's chair hours ago. My emotions had now come back to
being under control.

"Excuse me sir but you a re not supposed to be in here. If you do not leave
we will have you removed from the premise," I heard a familiar voice say as
I turned to face Mark.

"Mark, I have been sitting here for over two hours and you are going to
tell me to leave. It's nice to see you again too," I said as I turned
around in the console chair for him to see me.

"Jon is that you," he asked.

"None other my friend. How are you," I asked.

"Good except for this recording we are going to be doing," he said taking a
seat next to me.

"Yeah, I figured you guys would be doing some work here today," I laughed
out as I handed him the notes still unread.

"Jon your 25 years old why would you want to see these guys sing. I mean
your not some teenager anymore," he said as I cringed. My father's friend
had no idea why I was truly here. I suddenly thought I had better cover up
my interests.

"Besides none of them are gay anyhow. And if they were, I would have a
better chance then you. I am the better looking one of the two of us," Mark
said throwing me off guard before I knew it.

"You are not! But, with the way they made fun of me earlier you would have
a better chance," I said trailing off remembering what had happened
earlier.

"What do you mean. Are we talking about the same group of guys here? Hell I
was only joking I had no idea you were gay," his words rang through me like
a bad note in a symphony.

"Who said anything about being?" His face showed the hurt of my lie half
told. "Oh Fuck it! Your right I am, but that is not common knowledge." I
said with a look of sternness to show him not to say anything to anyone.

"I understand. Look I thought you knew me well enough. I mean sure, I don't
go telling other people about myself a lot of the time. But, you on the
other hand you tell no one. I bet, you were scarred there for a second."
Mark said half laughing out the words as he finished his sentence. "Before
your dad left us here he and I talked about it. If you use him for example,
you should tell everyone."

"Ok look, so I don't go around advertising, but." I found myself being cut
off by Howie walking into the studio below with the other guys following
close behind.

"I'll be right back I need to meet the troops," Mark said, dashing out of
the booth.

     I watched out of the tented windows as Mark approached the guys. No
one bothered to look at the booth at all as I stood just inside. I noticed
a concerned look on Howie's face as he held my CD in his hands. The others
just looked at him in dismay as each felt for him in some way or
another. The concern was evident of friends. I sometimes wished in my life
to have people to care for me like this.

"Hey guys what's up?" Mark said as he approached them all.

     No answer came as he continued to walk towards them. Howie stood
motionless as I watched him hand the CD to Mark. Mark was confused at first
until he noticed my name on the inside cover. I had written it there when I
took it too a club one night. I had wanted to get it back and I aimed to
let the DJ know it was mine even if it meant letting him know it belonged
to a guy.

"What's this?" Mark asked.

"Mark we have known each other what five maybe six years now. Trust has
never been issues with you so I am going to just say it. That CD belongs to
a guy we offended. All because we thought Howie over there would find him
um..." Nick stammered out and then stopped as Howie glared at him.

"Find him what?" Mark asked calmly.

"Found him." Kevin corrected him.

"Found him what? If this is the same person I know.." Howie who was now in
tears cut off Mark.

"Look they all laughed at him and I never had a chance to meet him. He
threw the CD away as he ran out of the studio," Howie answered and rushed
across the room to the sound booth entrance.

"Attractive." Kevin answered in a heavy sigh.

     Howie was heading right into the room where I stood watching the
others still below. With tears in my eyes, I stood my ground hoping Mark
would call him back. I was sorely disappointed, as Mark didn't. Kevin
slowly began to follow Howie as Mark immediately put his hand up telling
him no.

"Just let him have some time to himself guys I've been there I know what
it's like. It may be a lonely life we lead, but... Look it's our choice and
sometimes life takes a turn we do or do not like."

"Wait, you don't mean your." Brain stopped himself from asking but not soon
enough.

"Yes I am Brian, why are you interested?" Mark asked him jokingly.

"I just never thought of you as being." Brain stopped. "We really need to
stop this before I embarrass myself," Brain said just as Howie opened the
door and saw me standing there.

     Two men caught in the moment of fear was all we felt as we each stared
at one another each with our own tears. I stood shaking half because my
fears had been met. The other half because here and now stood my destiny
and I had no where to hide. Howie became frightened as he slowly closed the
door and tried to compose himself. I was in awe of him, as I cold not
speak. Was he like me or not, I did not know. But, in my mind it did not
matter as I had been pushed away already. Why was he so upset about pushing
me away?

'Perhaps it was not him who pushed you away ' a voice answered inside my
head. I looked over into the studio and watched Mark explaining the days
work to the others as Howie now began to approach me. I looked back just in
time to catch his eyes now only a few feet away. Mark no longer held the CD
in his hand's I could not see it below. Here was Howie and in his hand, the
CD resided again.

"You left this back in the room." Howie said and paused as a tear trailed
down my cheek. "I never thought I would actually get to hand it back to you
though," Howie said looking down at it.

"I never thought you would want to. I mean with the laughter that came out
of all the others and the way." I said trying to hold back a fresh wave of
tears. I turned away.

"You have to understand they have been making fun of me for so long it was
just funny. Today of all days they finally saw the one person to make me
happy and he was standing in front of me. I was so preoccupied and had no
idea you were right there. They weren't laughing at you, they were laughing
at me." Howie said not stepping away as I felt him only inches behind me. I
began to turn gathering my thoughts as I spoke.

"They saw the one person to make you happy? I was standing in front of
you." I said as I made eye contact. There was no turning back this was it
if we were to be he would have to let me know now or never.

"Yes the one to make me happy was standing there. You were standing right
there the whole time," Howie said as he handed me the CD.

"As long as I have you here, I won't need this," I said pointing to my
heart. I suddenly realized how corny this sounded but I didn't care. "You
must know the real thing can never be compared to the plastic this is made
of," I said, tossing the CD onto the recording console.

"I take it I am forgiven then?" Howie asked.

"Not yet, but if you keep staring at me you will be," I replied. There was
a round of applause and laughter from below us in the recording area.

"Can they hear us?" Howie asked.

"They can if I hit the Mic button with a certain CD," I said as I pointed
to the upturned switch.

"Ok so now they have more to laugh at us about," Howie said.

"Us?" I innocently asked.

"Yes us," he paused. "Us that is if you would not mind us getting to know
one another and making it work out to be us."

"I wouldn't mind that at all, but you must know this is not something I had
planned on happening today. I just wanted to get to meet you, not date
you. I never would have thought about you seriously as being the gay one. I
would have suspected." I paused and leaned forwards into the interior
Mic. "To be honest I would have thought Nick and Brian were the buddies of
the group. If you know what I mean," just then Brian and Nick made a run
towards the door to the room.

"Now you've done it!" Howie shouted as he braced himself against the door
blocking their entrance.

"Let them in they deserve it after the way they acted earlier," I said as I
noticed AJ bent over at the waist laughing.

"They may have deserved it but you should have locked the door first,"
Howie said turning the lock. "Now lets get back to knowing each other,"
Howie said walking back over to face me.

     My tears were now dry and so were his as he approached me and stood
just inches away. I could feel his breath on my cheek as he turned his eyes
down into the studio to see what was happening down there. I reached
forwards to touch him to make sure he was real. My hand made contact with
his tee shirt and my body rushed with the heat of the moment.

"Lust, love or a one night stand?" Howie asked.

"Hopefully love but it is to soon to tell. Maybe ask me again latter when I
have had time to see just who this gorgeous man is on the inside," I said,
point at his chest while he turned three shades of red. More clapping lit
the air from below.

"Normally I hate an audience when I am falling for someone. But, if this is
the price I have to pay to have you then so be it," I leaned forwards and
kissed him gently on the lips as the redness faded and the shock was
setting in.

"I bet you do that to all the guys," Howie commented as we broke apart.

"What?" I asked.

"Make them feel so good inside. So good that they could die right at a
moment just like this." he turned off the microphone. "and never live
another lonely second," he replied.

"But to be able to relive this moment over and over again in my mind with
you would mean the joy of knowing I accomplished the one thing I set out to
do. That of course being making you happy even if it was only for this one
moment at least I did what made me happy too," I said as I heard a light
knocking on the door. "Of course making you happy makes me happy," I said
as I pecked his soft lips again and pulled away to take my beating from
Brian and Nick.

     As I opened the door to my surprise, I found none other than Mark
standing there grinning from ear to ear. I looked past him over his
shoulder to see Kevin Richardson standing there with the same grin on his
face. I was suddenly becoming aware of the ramifications all of this was
going to have. I was going to be involved with one of the Backstreet
Boy's. My head began to swim as I turned to face Howie again. Only this
time when I looked at him no longer was he one of the Boy's (one of my
idols) he was a man a very attractive man. 'You lucky bastard' I heard a
voice say in my head. I looked back to Mark who was now clearing his
throat.

"So, Kevin I would like for you to meet Donny Mallincourt," Mark said as he
pushed past me and left me to face Kevin. I was extremely nervous as he
came forwards followed by the rest of the guys.

"Actually Don is better than Donny. Mark has known me for too long he
thinks of me as a kid still," I half wittingly replied. Kevin reached out
his hand to shake it as I felt as close presence behind me.

"Nice to meet you Don," Kevin said shaking my hand in a firm grip. As I
stood there blocked from behind by Howie AJ stepped forwards.

"No hard feeling's about earlier I hope?" He asked as he shook my hand
next. Brian and Nick stood close to one another in the small corridor
waiting their turn.

"None yet. But, with the way I acted I am surprised you guys would want to
meet me?" I asked and AJ gave me a funny look. Howie held the CD up over my
shoulder and AJ gave me a funny grin.

"I've heard better music myself those guys could use better management, if
you know what I mean," AJ said pointing to Kevin.

"Ouch, I bet they would hate to hear that you guys aren't even fans," I
said.

"Nah, they probably haven't even got time for guys like us," Brian said
reaching forwards to shake my hand. Instead of shaking my hand, he pulled
me into the stair well where he and Nick proceeded to hug me and shout into
my ears.

"So you thought we were the gay ones!" I was beginning to see the error of
my ways quickly as Brian reached down and grabbed my ass for added
measures. Nick became hysterical.

"Brian with the way you're acting maybe he was right!" Nick shouted and
dashed up the stairs running into Howie.

     Everyone was laughing as Brian let me go and quickly took to chasing
after Nick into the small booth. Howie bolted down the stairs to where I
now stood at the bottom. I wasn't trying to get away, but I was waiting for
him. I wanted to see if he would follow me. When he ran head long into me I
almost lost my footing and fell but he grabbed me and held me close to him
I was saved.

"Donny there is work to be done. If you want to stay up here with me and
direct a little your more than welcome too. You practically designed this
new set up so it would not be right for me to make you leave. Besides it
gives you a reason to be here is Dreyer comes in," Mark said into the over
head speakers.

     Dreyer was the owner of the station or at least he thought himself to
be. Of course now days the studio had been bought out by one of the
conglomerates and were only being managed by Mr. Tom Dreyer. Howie looked
at me with a puzzled look on his face and then back up to the booth. I just
shook my head yes and watched as his face lit up with happiness. I walked
over to the Mic area and nodded for Mark to start the test sequence.

"What's he doing?" Kevin asked Mark as everyone was watching me drag Howie
along with me.

"Testing the equipment of course," Mark replied.

"Isn't it usually set up with each group that comes in. You know set up
according to the voice of the person. Octaves and ranges and so on and so
forth." Nick asked showing his knowledge.

"Yes, but since Donny is here he tests it. He quit working here a couple of
months ago. But this was his baby. It is his thing, I guess it's kind of
like a good luck charm. You know how Basketball Players will not change a
pair of sock because they are afraid they will suddenly not be able to make
the three-pointer if they do. This is kind of like his pair of socks. Funny
thing is he used to only do this if he was alone in here," Mark said
drifting off into thought.

"You mean he actually used to work here and designed this studio?" AJ
asked, astonished.

"Yes, that's what I said. Funny thing is since his father passed away none
of us have heard much from him." Mark answered. Just then the track Mark
selected queued up and music began to play.  I began to sing not looking at
the booth Howie or anything as I closed my eyes and began to sing only to
find my nerves trying to ripe my heart out at the same time.

I'd walk halfway around the world For just one kiss from you Far beyond the
call of love The sun, the stars, the moon As long as your love's there to
lead me I won't loose my way believe me Even through the darkest night you
know

     Howie joined in and startled me half out of my joy and contentment. I
felt the world rush by as my heart began to sing where I had left it alone
for so long. I had kept myself at a distance for so long and today I was
growing as a person. I had learned to trust again, I let my voice slip into
the soothing sound of his words. I had been in here and done this song a
million times breaking in new equipment and setting standards for myself
never had I ever expected to sing it with him them us.

I'd go anywhere for you Anywhere you asked me to I'd do anything for you
Anything you want me to Your love as far as I can see Is all I'll ever need
There's one thing for sure I know it's true Baby, I'd go anywhere for you

"Wow, they actually sound good together," AJ said.

"Yeah they do. This is the first time I have heard Howie actually sing. I
mean really sing since we released Millennium," Brian said getting a round
of head nods everyone continued to listen. Howie led the next verse, as I
stood back and listened, tears threatening to break free. I was not going
to be a sap. I was not going to fall so fast.

I used to think that dreams were just For sentimental fools And I'd never
find someone Who'd give their love so true But I knew the very minute
Couldn't live my life without you in it And now I want the whole wide world
to know

'Too late you're falling' a voice in my head said. I joined him on the
chorus again.

I'd go anywhere for you Anywhere you asked me to I'd do anything for you
Anything you want me to Your love as far as I can see Is all I'll ever need
There's one thing for sure I know it's true Baby, I'd go anywhere for you

     I tried throughout the whole song not to look at Howie. It was
impossible now as we began the repeat of the chorus.

I'd go anywhere for you Anywhere you asked me to I'd do anything for you
Anything you want me to Your love as far as I can see Is all I'll ever
need.

Baby there's one thing I know that's true.  Baby I'd go anywhere for you...
For you Yooou For you

     I saw the look in his eyes and the tears began to roll. Mark queued
the fade; we stopped singing right as the last note hung in the
air. Neither of us said a word as we headed for the sound both. As we
reached the bottom of the stairs we noticed the door still closed each of
us glanced to the other as we took the first step at the same time bumping
into one another. I began to stumble backwards as he reached out and pulled
me close to him. The warmth of his body intrigued my soul as I leaned into
him. He had a look of yearning as he leaned forwards. I began to accept the
motion as my lips brushed against his.

'Too late you've fallen' the voice in my head rang clear.

     The door to the booth swung open wide as Kevin and Mark stood starring
down at us. Neither of us looked up from our brief pecks, as there was no
pushing from either of us. I looked into Howie eyes checking to see if he
was to hesitate or if we were to continue. He simply closed his eyes and
went for the kill as his tongue entered my mouth my eyes closed to meet
him. I felt his tongue slid across mine as I reached out and entered his
mouth as well. His mouth was pure sustenance as my soul scream a cheer and
my mind raced to the finish line.

"Um, guys we may want to start actually recording soon," Marks voice
sounded in my ear. He was still standing at the top of the stairs but it
was as if he were only standing inches away. Howie and I drew back at the
same time looking into one another's eyes one last time before breaking
apart.

"Go do your work. I will be up in the booth when you're done," I said as
Howie just grinned at me.

"How cute is that!" AJ shouted as he took the first three steps in one move
and headed right for us.

     Howie punched AJ in the arm as he passed by us and ran into the
studio. I grabbed Howie's sides as he began to squirm around from the
tickling sensation. He looked at me and raised a hand up quickly as he
wagged his finger in my face telling me no. Just as he did so Nick ran up
to us and started to tickle Howie. Howie squirmed so hard he hit his head
into mine.

"Owe! Ok that's enough of that. You guys get to work before I get hurt." I
said as I started to head up the stairs only to be stopped by Kevin who
pointed back down the stairs.

"Your coming with us," Kevin said.

"What?" I asked.

"You make him happy, you make us happy. We make you happy. Got it?" Kevin
said confusing me.

"You wanted to get to know us right?" Brian asked as the two pushed me
alone down into the studio again. I just gave up and stood next to
Howie. Brain moved over next to us during the song several times bumping us
into one another. I almost laughed and that would have made a mess of the
recording. They were recording a Spanish version of "Spanish Eye's" Since I
speak no Spanish I just stood there watching as they repeatedly recorded
what sounded like the chorus. A couple of times I found myself singing
alone in English. Howie would look over at me approvingly during these
versus. As the day dragged on, I continued to learn the song and often
times translated the English into the song in just the faintest moments. I
walked back up to the sound both and Mark looked quite shocked.

"You know you really should consider taking up a career in singing right?"
Mark asked.

"I don't think so. I hate crowd I hate being in the spot light and I really
can't believe anyone would want to hear me sing." Just then Mark reached up
and hit the playback switch on the console and through out the speakers
rang the guys' voices singing in Spanish. He had mixed me in with the
English lines I had sung. I listened intently as I noticed Howie and the
others listening downstairs. I was suddenly not amused by the situation. I
wanted no part of this. I did not intend to have Howie think I met with him
just to get my start in the business.

"Turn it off!" I shouted.

"But why? It's good I swear and look at the guys' they like it." Mark
pleaded.

"Just shut it off erase it and never let anyone have a copy. Do you
understand what I am saying to you here? If this were to get out what would
the guys think then," Mark ran his hand across the console turning off the
music.

"Look Mark I know you mean well and yes it would be cool to be involved
with this. But, lets face it, to have Howie think of me as using him to get
a start is not my idea of a good relationship beginning. I want this to be
real. You know like him and I being honest with one another not him
thinking I am like some vulture out to take the spotlight. This would not
be right so I will do it on my own some other time. Not this song, not this
group, I won't do it." With that said I made my way down the stair to the
recording area where there was a silence of enormous proportions. The door
upstairs slammed shut as I knew I had just made a mess of things with Mark.

     I saw tears in Howie's eyes as I approached him. I felt bad for
stopping the recording but I knew it was for the best. Mark began to play
the edited version of the song with just the guys singing and Howie stopped
crying. He glanced over to me as I heard the phone ringing in the both. It
was not coming from the booth doorway it was shut. It was coming from the
surrounding speakers. They had heard everything I had said upstairs. I was
embarrassed beyond words. I wanted to run and hide. I started to walk out
of the room but stopped myself as I felt a presence behind me.

"No one has ever cared that much about what I thought before now. I would
hate to think you would be so embarrassed about something like this. It was
sweet and endearing like I want things to be with us. I want to keep it
real," Howie said as he wrapped his arms around me from behind. I was so
upset and happy at the same time I just sighed with relief trying to hold
it all in.

"Lust, love or a one night stand?" Howie asked.

'You've fallen' my father's voice rang clear in my head.

"Love so far as I can tell, but is it to fast you think?" I asked.

"No, if it's real it's true. I believe that," Howie responded pulling me
tighter to him.

"So you're falling in love with me too?" I asked.

"Yes, enough so to do something that's for your own good. You go up there,
tell him your sorry, and make it clear that he is not to erase that copy. I
want it for us," Howie said turning me around in his arms and kissing my
sadness away.

"Please don't let go Howie, this is to good to be true," I said.

"Too good for me is what you are, true is the amount of happiness I feel
with you," Howie replied as he let me go and pointed towards the booth. I
headed towards the stairwell to make my apologies. I was not sure exactly
how I was going to do that but I made my way up anyhow. I could hear a
small amount of talking coming form the recording floor but not enough to
make out what was being said. The door was locked as I tried to turn the
knob. Mark had locked the door but he forgot one thing if I wanted in I
would get in. As an honor to my father, the same locks had been used as
were here before he left. I reached into my pocket to pull out my keys to
the door only to have Mark open it and reach out his hand to me.

"You are a lot like your father you know that. Howie, well, he is a lot
like the influence your mother had. I bet he tames that demon of hot
headedness you have inside. Your forgiven as far as the recording goes I
already got rid of it. I erased it as soon as you walked out. I understand
what it means to you to have your privacy. I understand what he means to
you and loosing him over some petty desire to make a career for yourself
would be wrong. Love him but give him time to get to know you too," I was
loosing it quickly as my emotions were being spurned again. "Now they have
to leave to a appearance on The Tonight Show, are you going with them or
not?  If you are you better be ready to leave town from there, they have to
get on the road," Mark said as he let go of my hand and turned to walk back
into the studio.

"Give them this to take to Leno tonight it is important that they do the
song the way it is on there, I know it will be lip-sync. But for that show
that is what Leno wants. Of course, they will be doing one live
number. But, I have no say either way. I am telling you this because their
management person flaked. They are on their own tonight," Mark said as
Kevin walked up the stairs to join us.

"I take it that means we have to get going and I am in charge again," Kevin
asked.

"Yep," Mark replied. "That's the tape you guys need," Mark said pointing to
the tape in my hand.

"Great, Thank you so much Mark we have to get going then it is already 3:00
and we should have had a representative from the label there by 12:00. We
better be on our way. Donny if your coming with us you have to go with us
now," Kevin said shaking Mark hand and rushing back down the stairs.

I wanted to say something to him anything but nothing came to mind that
sounded right. How could I ever thank him for helping me with my problem?
What would have been right? I had no idea what to say.

"Just go. You being happy for once and making the right moves for you are
important. He will make you happy. Just give him a chance," Mark said
hugging me close before pushing me towards the stairs. I rushed back down
to meet Howie at the bottom who waved back up at Mark.

     We rushed across town in the limousine provided by the label. No one
knew where the guys were apparently as there were no fans still present at
the station. I assumed they all thought they left out a back door or
something after this morning signing. Kevin remained on the phone with the
label the entire time on the way over to NBC studios. Howie and I cuddled
up on the seat next to him as AJ Brain and Nick sat across from us. Brian
and Nick each huddled together reading some letter they had acquired from a
fan mail group. AJ remained quiet starring out the window as if in deep
thought. Soon enough we reached the studious and made our way inside.

"Hello, gentlemen I am Mr. Jack Wryling. I will be helping you prepare for
tonight's show. Your label has not sent over a replacement to help
here. Your band has set up as scheduled and the rest of your staff is in
here," Jack pointed us toward the green room where the door stood
shut. Kevin had a puzzled look on his face as we approached the door.

"Staff?" I heard Nick ask.

"Staff," I heard Brian reply flatly.

     As we stepped inside Nick was tackled to the couch nearest the door. A
young girl just shorter than Nick, proceeded to kiss him deeply. Soon
enough he was groaning and the two went to grinding on the couch with all
of us watching. None of us moved as Kevin cleared his throat several
times. Fatima the choreographer for the group sat quietly watching as I
stood half dazed by the sudden changes in attitude in the group. Tension
grew as the two continued to make out on the couch.

"Damn Mandy I told you to act like you belong here. I never told you to act
like you were his oxygen," Fatima said, as Mandy did not take notice.

"Nick's long lost girlfriend," Howie said pulling me in the direction of
Fatima.

"Fatima I would like you to meet," Howie was cut off suddenly by Fatima.

"Your oxygen supply," she smartly replied.

"Yes," Brian laughed out walking up.

     Fatima had no look of shock on her face as she reached out to take a
handshake from me. I was taken back by the leisure attitude. But, I decided
not to question it at this point. They all seemed so close. I would have to
say that they were a family and no secrets were left to be let out of the
bag.

"You have this look of shock on your face. I would guess your not used to
all this yet?" Fatima asked.

"No not really. You all just seem so close and secure in the way you deal
with one another. It is just so unusual to me. I rarely see it in this
business. It takes some getting used to I guess," I replied.

"We need to practice guys and there are a lot of things to do before we go
over. Donny if you are to be part of this family then you better come out
and see what it's all about," Kevin said opening the door for everyone to
come out. "Oh Fatima we need to go over "Spanish Eye's" there are some
changes to go over." Kevin said as he headed out into the hallways with all
of us following close behind.

"So, when do we meet Jay," Brian asked giving us a funny grin almost
looking like Jay himself.

"Latter on this afternoon. We start taping around 5:00 our time so this can
go on air on the East Coast on time," Jack said, while rejoining us in the
hall two doors down.

"Who are those people over there?" Nick said pointing to a group of 15
people standing off to the side in one of the eves to the studio.

"Tour group. Vacationers mostly. They won't most likely be at the show
tonight. Our tours come through about one every 15 to 20 minutes. They're
free to the public," Jack replied matter a factly.

"Cool," Nick replied looking at the main stage area. There were several
people running around in circles trying to find things to do trying to look
busy. Everything was set up for the show all that was left apparently was
the practice and the preparation for the Boy's performance.

"All of you will be coming out of this entrance here that we are walking
though after your songs you will be ushered towards the couch. Jay will
call your name and you will be invited to sit and answer some
questions. The usual stuff really as this was all set up by your label. If
there is anything else asked it would be spur of the moment kind of
stuff. It makes it look more natural if Jay has some leeway with his
interview. As you know," Jack said looking back at me. I just shrugged it
off as a man not knowing who he truly was dealing with.

"Ok here you are, you have thirty minutes to practice before we have to
clear the set. At that time, the audience will start to come in and be
warmed up with the help of the band and the audiences warm up guy. So get
busy guys and try not to take to long otherwise they will be getting an
early performance of your singing," with that said Jack walked out the
opposite side of the stage area and left us all standing there.

"Why do I feel like this is unorganized," I asked.

"It wouldn't be if Steve had of shown up like he was supposed to," Kevin
said looking at Fatima who just grinned from ear to ear.

"Steve and Fatima used to date until he suddenly had a wife. A pregnant
wife none the less," AJ said into my ear. I just looked at Howie who shook
his head in agreement.

"Ok, everyone we are going to practice 'Larger Than Life' first since it is
the first song. After that it will be the new version of 'Spanish Eyes' and
then Brian will do 'That's What She Said' to close us out after the
interview. No big changes so there should be no surprises over all," Kevin
said as he walked to the stage manager and handed him the tape.

Soon enough the guys had practiced 'Larger Than Life' twice and were ready
to practice 'Spanish Eyes'. The music began and I almost fell off the stool
I was sitting on next to Fatima. She had been directing the dance
corrections and had not even noticed my sudden change of posture. The song
was not right. Kevin immediately took notice as did Howie as he was
grinning form ear to ear. My voice was still mixed into the first three
lines of the song.

TBC!

Let me know what you think so far johnathanswain@aol.com